I was an experienced, stay-at-home, educated, affectionate parent, well-versed in attachment issues before I went to China (late 2003).

My 10-month old daughter was emotionally and physically abused, as were the other children adopted from her orphanage. The journey of the past 3.5 years has been incredibly isolating, difficult and painful.

When you see someone on the boards “wishing their life back” and expressing a sense that their new daughter seems to “hate” them, don’t immediately assume they aren’t well-read on attachment issues, or that they had “unreal” expectations.

Think of it this way: it’s like saying to someone from New Orleans, “Well, didn’t you read the brochure on hurricanes?” Not much help when it happens to you, and your household is turned upside-down. Until you have to live with an emotionally disturbed child 24/7, you can’t possibly know what it is like.

Instead, please lend a kind ear and refer a struggling parent to groups that specialize in adopted & foster children with problems: most states have programs and counselors standing by. People who have parented children from abused homes “get it” . . . often in ways that (sadly) the Adopt China communities do not.

Many times parents with problem children from China are treated like social pariahs . . . Chinese adoption agencies will provide minimum support, but they are businesses and problem cases are a liability for them.

Some of these little girls are coming out of China having undergone tremendous suffering and neglect. They can heal, but it takes time and inordinate amounts of patience, mercy, energy, ingenuity and courage. (Often with little support and understanding from others).

At that time, everybody online seemed to present this fluffy version of the adoption experience. Romantic China, Instant bonding, sleeping through the night, went right back to work with no problems…yadda.

Now, my immediate thought upon finding this was, hmmn…that doesn’t sound right. Why all these warnings if no-one has admitted any of this happening to them?
Even our agency, who DID provide a wealth of reading to help prepare us, tried to soften the harsh reality of the days to come.

Anticipating trouble, as I am prone to do, I tried to prepare for any and all of the documented issues. I EXPECTED it to be a rough ride.
I planned to stay home with her, to commit every hour I had. Good thing. If I had other plans, I would have had to change them.

I think what threw me was the Jekyll/Hyde behavior, a switch thrown so quickly and erratically that I could not find a set amount of triggers - I couldn’t KNOW what it was that was going to change her from a sweet smile to a screaming rage.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again - I had the fear that she was in some manner bi-polar.
She would one minute cling to me as if her life depended on it and then soon after strike me hard enough to shed blood or bruise.

She bit, she scratched, she punched.

This tiny, 16 month old baby…weighed as much as her age.
I was so afraid for her. And felt so helpless.

She would throw herself against any hard object without wincing, harm herself in some act of frustration and a minute later be laughing at me.
It was just so extreme and I was heartbroken by my frustration.
And then we had those many happy moments - she was from the beginning seemingly cheerful as long as I was right there where she needed me to be.

Her terrors were almost every night and she woke every few hours when she wasn’t waking every few minutes. It took an hour to get her to sleep, holding her close until she quit fighting physically and mentally…

I slept with her on the floor because the crib terrified her and I was afraid she’d roll off the futon I had planned to sleep on in her room.

She would not allow me to leave the room without her and I had to carry her everywhere. I planned to do that anyway, for bonding purposes, but when I found I could not cook dinner, do the laundry, use the bathroom…never mind taking a shower…because it wasn’t even at first a ‘must see you’ thing - it was MUST BE ON YOU always…a few months later it was more visual, like a 3 foot range of allowance, which still hampered any ‘normal’ activity.

No matter how often you tell yourself that it could be like this, when it happens you will find yourself not as prepared as you wish you could be.

It does not help when friends tell you you need a break (CAN’T TAKE ONE, not in the job description) and family doesn’t understand how taxing the responsibility can become (trying to follow the professional recommendations and common sense both). It often seemed like the information I had shared with them was never processed - they questioned why my daughter was ‘allowed’ to behave this way, why she had these issues and why I was letting it happen - but never listened.

I was determined, no matter how miserable I felt from lack of rest (3-4 hours of broken sleep in each 24 hour period for one solid year), constant contact and no babysitters…no day care…no time away from her E.V.E.R., that I would get through this. I was exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally. Auto-pilot kept me going.

I did it. I made it. She made it. It is almost 2 years now that we have been together. She no longer tries to hurt me or herself. She has starting sleeping through the night with fewer disturbances. I can cook dinner. I can take a shower. The bathroom…well…she still has to come in, but now I can ask her to give me a minute and I’ll get just that before she returns…which is better than having her climb all over me and cry as I sit there (believe me).

We hold each other now not out of panic but of love.

And the biggest event to have happened since the adoption in May 2005?
I went out alone (for a few hours) for the first time since April 2005. And my daughter said it was “OK, Mama!”.

What I’m trying to convey is that there is only so much you can prepare for, but do not for a minute think it won’t happen to you. My story is so mild, just a ripple compared to what I was later able to find as nightmarish examples of severe attachment disorders.

We took our 4 year old bio child with us to China when we adopted our 6 year old daughter. It was the best thing we’ve ever done and we have no regrets.

For 2 weeks they were *both* the center of our universe. Together. And our new child, Lydia, felt more spoiled than she ever has before, due to the fact that there was *only* one other child there. It was perfectly “fair”, seeing that we were a family of 4 in China and are a family of 4 in the US.

We would not have taken our bio child if only one parent was traveling. It would have been way too difficult for one parent to handle IF one child was acting up. But, with both parents there, if one child was misbehaving and needed to stay in for a quiet time, the other parent could still take the other child out.

I guess it just sounds so much like you’re writing that additional children should NEVER be taken, and I’m saying that it can work, without losing control of your children or making the newcomer feel left out.

1) The first time, it was all about your child and their needs. When you take additional children, you will have to divert some of that energy you have away from your new child to attend to your other child(ren). It’s not fair to the new child. They should be the center of your universe for two weeks.

2) It’s your job to facilitate the transition, not your children’s. I don’t know how many posts I’ve read of people that insist their children helped with that transition. What they are saying to the new child is that you don’t run the family, you are not in control and they can turn to other family members for comfort before turning to you. That might work while they are young but I’d hate to be around for the teen years when you are trying to assert your authority.

3) You new child might exhibit some pretty extreme behaviors. Your children might not understand these behaviors and could come to resent the new child, especially if you get one that is abusive to you or them. Wouldn’t you like some time to address those behaviors or have someone in the US help explain things to your child so they can know what to expect?

4) You are going to a country with a ONE CHILD POLICY. That is how most of these children came to be in an orphange/foster home. Imagine how the citizens of China feel when foreigners show up with X number of biological and adopted children in tow. You can say you don’t care but eventually the CCAA might have to react to the pressures of the citizens that feel too many children are being taken out of their country. How do you know that one of the citizens in the street wasn’t forced to give up their child? How would you feel?

5) Most professionals do not think it is a good idea to take a young child back too soon. All that hard work you have done to help your child adjust to their new life can come undone in 2 weeks. You will have a new child with issues and will most likely find yourself addressing issues with your first child(ren) that you thought had been resolved.

Just my thoughts…

I wish you a safe and speedy trip!

We ARE taking her with us ;)

Take care ;)

Good to know we are not over-reacting ;)

Now to figure out how to pack for TWO toddlers :)

Take care!

Our daughter is doing very well, and the statement about children with survival instincts to act all happy and bubbly , this concept had crossed my mind. So when she has just now started to toss food ‘overboard’ occasionally or tease us by repeatedly attempting to reprogram the color and contrast settings on the big screen tv (she has developed a mischevious grin), I think this is a good thing, in that she feels secure enough to do so without fear or worry. She does still fret when I walk out of the room, however, just today, I said I will be right back, just getting my coffee or whatever, she nodded yes, and resumed playing or bopping to barney.

Incidently, or not so, Mary was from a HTS sponsored SWI (YiYang).

we consider ourselves blessed and fortunate indeed that she appears to have been well cared for.

June