Awesome post, covering so many aspects of this awkward, difficult and painful subject. Well done!!

Alyson
DOR 4/9/07

julie
10/27

We got home, waited a month then had her evaluated through our state’s early intervention program. She required physical, occupational, and developmental therapies for 9 months. We came home on March 1, and she took her first steps on the 4th of July at 15 mos. She learned how to sign, and started signing/speaking 3-word sentences at 14 months. The therapists were WONDERFUL and I’m so thankful for that experience–they showed us how to help her, and the therapies felt more like a fun playdate than work.

Fast-forward to today, she is 6 years old and scored the highest of 77 kids on the kindergarten entrance exam last fall. She is consistently the highest scoring reading and math student in all 3 kindergarten classes (the teachers tell me all this because they know she had a different start than the other kids and they secretly marvel at her). She was selected with a handful of other students for our governor’s reading program. She was named Spotlight Dancer for the month of March at her dance studio. She just brought home a gymnastics class award.

All this to say, we have an amazing daughter, and we owe so much to those EI therapists–there are certainly sad adoption stories, but for so many babies, their delays can be conquered with therapies. We grew very close to her therapists and still regularly send pictures and letters.

By the way, nowadays it seems like 1) I can’t get her to quit dancing/running/jumping long enough to listen to me and 2) she is a real motor mouth and won’t be quiet long enough to listen to me!

I think it is important for the CCAA to recognize that *perhaps* they should consider a standard in paperwork and harmonious period timeframes throughout China. ( Am I not walking on eggshells enough suggesting this? ) Why not standardize all of the processes and paperwork? This would also eliminate the dependence on your guide, in case you get stuck with a DICK like I did. Adoption is already enough of a crap shoot for us PAP’s. Perhaps they should help make it less of one—-in at least this one respect.

I also have gotten about 100+ emails from people who have disrupted in China due to undisclosed health conditions at referral. Therefore, I believe that this happens much more than we *are told* by the agencies. When I was in China, I was told it never had happened before, which made me feel so, so awful.

On that note, I’d also like to see the stats on the # of kids coming home from China in the last 2-3 years who have been diagnosed with a PDD or RAD. I have received dozens of emails regarding this as well. How many times are we told “the kids catch up”. Well, do they have stats on that? (I’m not saying there is any control over a later RAD diagnoses by China or the agencies, but I think it is very, very important info, again, to make informed decisions about where to adopt from). RAD or PTSD (from abuse) *can be* horrid. I got an email from a therapist who told of a child diagnosed with RAD, adopted at 14 months, who mutilated and killed a rabbit at THREE among other things. I don’t know if this child was from China or not.

Maybe I’m just a party pooper, (I’ll take that label), but I cannot imagine for the life of me, what harm *complete disclosure* from agencies or the CCAA would cause.

I believe it is time to make the agencies accountable for the good and bad. I, for one, would like to see stats on the number of disruptions in country and the number of referrals to the families post-disruption, along with the *known* number of kids diagnosed once home with RAD or other serious developmental issues.

I also agree that many of the brochures and DVD’s, etc., are very misleading. Some are down and out lies.This should stop. We, as AP’s should demand that agencies are held accountable for misleading information.

I remember in the beginning of both of our adoptions being so. bloody. scared. of being rejected, or being referred a sick kid (somehow intentionally) if I spoke out or “rippled the waters”, and I know many, many of you expressed the same fears. Unbased, of course, but many of us are very fearful that speaking up will somehow cause all adoptions to stop, or piss off the CCAA, etc.

That is one of the reasons many of us keep quiet.

I also believe (and know) that many agencies use this fear to “silence” the community. They tell you not to read boards, (RQ for one) and not to listen to any dissent.

Hmmm. I for one, think this is a big problem. Are we so stupid as PAP’s that we can’t make our own decisions and form our own opinions? PLEASE.

It’s time we turn the tables, and take control of the pre-travel process, instead of the agencies who are profiting from our money and our ignorance (at times). I’m not saying all agencies are like this… I LOVED my Guat agency. They were straight-forward and really out for the children. You could see it in everything they did…however, we *all* know, that it isn’t all red threads and “miracles”.

And maybe that is where the State Dept/US govt. steps in. They have been so helpful to me and my family upon our return.

I’m so glad people are talking about this. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. I could care less what people think of my decision. Just knowing that (you and I) have perhaps armed PAPs with info to possibly prevent what happened to me happening to them is worth every crappy comment I’ve gotten.

One other thing… many people have brought up the idea of a “gut feeling” or “sense” when you think something is wrong with your child. I couldn’t agree more. As a second time adoptive mom, too, I was prepared for the normal delays… and had to rely on my gut to tell me… that combined with a doctor’s confirmation… well, you know the story. I think your gut is an ever important guide. Listen to it….

And as far as M., as many have asked me via email (as I closed down comments). I don’t know. Sadly. I begged the CCAA to list her as SN, they told *me* no, as you all know. Now how much *my agency* went to bat for her… I have no idea. I hope they did with every grain of my being.

Sorry this is so long… again, I hijacked your blog. Sorry!

Thanks again, Jen

We didn’t call our child by her American name once she was referred, we only used her Chinese name. We were clear with our daughter that she wasn’t [American name] yet because we had not adopted her yet. We were very clear with her that until we had adopted her, she was not her little sister yet.

I know it doesn’t happen very often, but I felt I needed to make that distinction to help her deal with things if there was a problem.

But, I guess I’m chiming in to say that I wish I would’ve seen postings like this one prior to our travel…although scary and unpleasant…it is the REAL world. In reflection, I was in a fairlytale world and not prepared emotionally or otherwise for things to go in another direction.

Thanks again RQ for taking on an unpleasant and difficult subject and sharing your own experiences for the benefit of the RQ community!!!!!

And a quick comment on the facilitator’s role, ours was AMAZING! I have said many times since our return, that we did not know how great our agency was - until we were in China. One of the families in our group woke up in the middle of the night (I think our 2nd night w/our DD’s) to a very high fever and terrified baby. The family phoned our facilitator, she met them at the elevator in 5 mins., rushed them to the hospital where the baby was seen almost immediately, treated with medication and they were back at the hotel in 1 hour… Fortunately, this was an infection and nothing serious, but when you are in a foreign country, where you don’t speak the language, don’t even know where the hospital is….having a facilitator take charge is paramount.

Lastly, I would not have even known about this happening had the family not shared their experience w/us…our facilitator did not share the story. Our facilitator was so kind, considerate, prompt, efficient, concerned and genuinely CARED about the children!!!! I truly believe that she would’ve advocated for the families in our group had that been necessary…