Book Review: Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew
The first thing that you need to know is that not all “adopted kids” agree with these 20 things. Read through the reviews at Amazon and one adult adoptee will say they never felt any of that and another will say this book was the first book they read that showed in print “many of the feelings of loss and abandonment being given up created in me“.
I feel the book is an important read because it is vital that we understand the issues and think them through. But at the same time I think it is important for parents to realize that their child may only agree with 5 or 10 or 15 of these things, and we get to figure out which 5 or 10 or 15, without even knowing how many we are guessing about.
This is not a book to read when you are down in the dumps. This book focuses on the hard stuff and not the good stuff, and that’s never an easy thing. You need to be in a nice analytical place in order to appreciate the message of the book. It can be very hard to read, but I think that if we can read it with an open mind we will be better parents.
Here is a sampling of some of the 20 things. They are discussed in detail in the book, of course.
- I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.
- I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from Adoption Loss, of which I need not be ashamed.
- If I don’t grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered.
- My Unresolved grief may surface in anger toward you.
- I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family.
- I am afraid I was ‘given away’ by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame.
- I am afraid you will abandon me.
- Please don’t say I look or act like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences.
- Please respect my privacy about my adoption. Don’t tell other people without my consent.
- Birthdays may be difficult for me.
I do not agree with all of these statements. For instance, I believe that at this point in time GlitterGirl wants me to compare the two of us. I’m sure that at some future point I’ll need to lay off of that, but I’m taking her lead right now, which is in comparing the two of us for things we have in common.
Also, regarding “I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from Adoption Loss, of which I need not be ashamed.” I am not going to teach my children they have “special needs arising from adoption loss”. We will talk about what they lost and how they feel about that, and I will make sure they know it is nothing to be ashamed of, but they get to decide if they have special needs that come from this loss, or not.
But, again, I think this book has great value. I believe it makes us AP’s think in a way we haven’t thought before. It forces us to view things from our children’s point of view in a way that most of us probably have not. I believe that the act of thoughtfully arguing with ourselves for or against the statements one by one makes us really think about the matter.
My views about the book have changed a great deal since I first read it while waiting for GG’s referral. I’m sure my views will change even more as my girls continue to grow.
August 13th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Good book overall. I too disagree with some things but it at least is a dialogue that makes you think … which is usually a good thing.
My adopted dd is African American and I’m blonde with freckles. One day, at age 4, she commented on how our skin is the same color. Clearly taken aback, I asked the great Mommy question of, “What do you mean?” and she pointed to her skin and then to my freckes and said I had “teeny circles of brown skin”. My face glowed and beamed, my heart swelled.
Now if only she’ll want to be like me at age 14! LOL (Insert tongue-in-cheek smiley here)
Beth
August 14th, 2007 at 12:09 am
I understand the author was adopted herself but did she do research for the opinions expressed in this book or is it all her personal opinions? Is she a child psychologist or adoption expert? I tend to think of books like these as “inspirational essays”, not really cound advice. If she had interviewed thousands of adopted children then used sound research techniues to back up her assertions I would buy this book. Otherwise, it is ancedotal. But boy, she sure is making some good money off of it.
August 14th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Like the book reviews RQ!
I read this book as soon as we were LID. Time to read it again. With any book you’ve got to take some and leave some and I agree it’s definitely worth the read…
twOH
11-17-05
DOR 8-3
August 14th, 2007 at 2:31 am
Thanks for bringing this one out RQ.
I read this before we went to get our dd#1 and it was disturbing, thought provoking, distressing, informative and well written.
I discussed it with several friends who are adults (adopted), as well as my sis-in-law, a social worker, and the consensus was that it should be required reading for adoptive parents - although not all of each issue applied.
I’m glad I read it and will probably keep pulling it out for reference as our daughters grow. They do have a different experience than I do, and I want to do all I can to understand how they might be feeling.
I’m ordering the other book on rivalry tonight! Can’t wait to read it…sounds like good info!
Thanks!
August 14th, 2007 at 2:47 am
I havent read this book in quite a while, but I agree with RQ it is a good one to read. I too didn’t agree with everything. She gets about a bit “out there” when it comes to how and when adopted children experience loss and how they are impacted psychologically. Even going back to the impact of a mothers feelings about her child when they are still in the womb.
I take the list as 20 things that others have experienced and my daughter may experience some of these things as well and it is best to be prepared.
I also think it is important to remember that there is no black and white here. For example the term “special need” can mean such a range of things. Just needing a parent willing to talk about adoption loss might be considered a special need by some.
August 14th, 2007 at 3:41 am
As a mother of four, two of which came at the age of three I especially appreciated the part of the book that dealt with grief. My one son sometimes gets very quiet and sad and when I ask him what is wrong he will tell me he misses the kids in the orphanage. I have always taken the time to think what an extraordinary trust these children have put in us to walk them away from the only life they have known, and often wonder as an adult if I could have that much courage. I don’t think so. What an awesome gift they have given me.
August 14th, 2007 at 7:22 am
thanks RQ. I just bought this bookand look forward to the whole family reading it, not just me.
August 14th, 2007 at 7:24 am
I read this from our library. It was thought-provoking and worth the read, but I also agree that you have to sift it through your own perspective and experience.
August 14th, 2007 at 8:19 am
I started to read this book a year ago when we decided that we wanted to adopt…it freaked me out a little bit and I had to put it down.
I now know more than I did back then about adoption and issues that your children may face so I feel that I’m able to read the book from cover to cover now where as I couldn’t back then.
August 14th, 2007 at 8:21 am
My sister worked a lot with counselors on adoption because she had two older adopted kids. Every now and then she drops an interesting tidbit of what they told her that rings quite true. Your comments about this book reminded me of one. A counselor told my sister that until they’re teenagers kids want to be like you and you emphasize how you’re the same. So if you have dark hair, you say, “see we both have dark hair!” Once they hit the teen years (or close to it), they want to be different and then you emphasize the differences.
I really have to catch up on my reading. Or maybe I’ll just read your book reviews :)
Doctor H
August 14th, 2007 at 8:49 am
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve had a few people mention it before, but haven’t read it yet. I guess I need to get it now!! :)
His,
Mrs. U
LID 9-12-05
referral 1-4-07
“Gotcha” Day 2-25-07 for Elizabeth
http://www.makingahouseahome.blogspot.com
August 14th, 2007 at 9:40 am
I know you guys don’t know me, but I have been following RQ for a year - we went to China in Nov, our daughter is now 19 months old…anyway, I was given this book by our agency to read, and I read it as we waited for our referral. Mind you, I have 2 boys that were adopted from Russia several years ago and are now both 9. So, as the mom of a bit older IA kids, I did not care for this book. Both of my boys have sensory issues, (one quite severe) stemming largely from minimal contact before adoption at 9 and 10 months. Anyway, this book to me, seemed to label them as ADOPTED kids, not just kids. I know, I know, all of our kiddos are adopted, but somehow this book did just not set well with me. I am glad to see that others have found it helpful. I would have been happy to let you have mind, but alas, I sold it at my garage sale for a quarter. That and the other “adoption-type books”. (please be nice to me, it’s just my opinion, and I respect everyone elses) :)
August 14th, 2007 at 9:47 am
I have this book and it did make me think. I remember thinking that not each scenario would apply to everyone. I think it will be a good read again once we are home with our daughter. It will probably be one of those books that I reread many times over the years. I think I may take away something different from it each time I read it- depending where we are in our life and what situations we find ourselves in. I would also recommend it.
LID 5/06
August 14th, 2007 at 10:53 am
I am adopted and did not like this book, BUT I did purchase it for my DH to read as he usually has a rose colored glasses approach to adoption. It really helped him but ONLY because he was so far to the other extreme. I too felt it did too much to single out the kids as ADOPTED, and not as kids. I only agreed with about 10% of what she said-but I know that I was very lucky that I have had a smooth adoption experience with my adoption and also the adoption of my daughter. I think it is good for people to read but not to think that all adopted kids will have all these issues.
August 14th, 2007 at 11:01 am
intl_baby3:
Am not sure I understand your perspective. As you say our children are adopted, and while many of them will have no issues, many will. Even with your own children they havent reached an age where they might be dealing with some of the issues raised in the book. Do you not think it is valuable to at least know about these things? Or are you saying that you disagree that some adopted children will have these issues.
Just trying to understand your perspective here.
August 14th, 2007 at 11:58 am
No, I would be foolish to think that some adopted kids will not have any of these issues, or other issues, for that matter. It’s just that many biological kids have sensory issues, etc… and I think that this book seems to put the emphasis on that these issues are BECAUSE the kids are adopted. I am speaking from the mouth of a mom of a kid with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome, and some SERIOUS sensory issues. So I am not speaking from just feelings, but rather what is really happening in my house. I do not like to have the viewpoint that my kids have these issues BECAUSE they are adopted (although, certainly that is the reason why) but simply that they have these issues and others, and they are my children and we deal with them, without looking for an “excuse” or a place to put the blame. (please don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying that any of you do that, I am just saying that I don’t…..:) )
Ok, so I think that I am rambling here, I was just chiming in to the book review discussion, to give my thoughts on the book. I am sure that there will be those that loved the book, and those that did not like the book. I simply am one that did not.
August 14th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
I actually thought it may be a good idea to send this list to others in my family. Unfortunately, because my daughter is so exhuberant and so social with my family, they tend to dismiss any issues she may have about being abandoned and tell me that I am over-reacting. They think she is so adjusted, which she is, but they minimalize the fact that she has been through a lot and make me feel stupid for worrying about her. For example, i am about to visit my sister and don’t want to leave her alone with their baby-sitter to go out to dinner as we will not be in a familiar place. My sister is giving me a really hard time about this, and I’m sick of having to explain to her that it has only been 8 months since she has been home, and she is not ready for that. I’d love to get opinions on how to handle relatives like this!
August 14th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Thanks for taking the time to respond intl_baby3. And thanks for adding your viewpoint.
August 14th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Hi Lauriesue,
We’ve had this experience with our Littly, I just can’t get my mum to understand he has different needs to his similar aged cousins. She keeps saying “All kids do/are like that” and I can’t get through to her that, yes all kids do that, but not to the same degree or for the same reasons as Littly does. He has been with us 3 years this week, and we are still struggling to get mum to understand, so in my case there doesn’t seem to be any way to explain, to someone that has never experienced it. Sorry to be negative, but stick to your guns - you know your daughter best and what she can and can’t handle. If other people don’t understand that is their problem - stay strong for you daughter :-)
Good luck (and if you find out how to explain to people, let me know)
Love
Gertiesquidge
DTC 10th August 2007
http://offtochinaoneday.blogspot.com/
August 14th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
As a social scientist, I am a little persnickety about books. I think this is kind of a stupid book and agree with RQ’s description of its flaws. But I am glad I read it anyway. As easy as it is for me to dismiss the book for its problems, when I talk to adoptive parents who haven’t read it or anything like it, it seems worthwhile to me. I don’t think you need to buy it and study it all that carefully. But it is worth a brief read and the ideas are worth considering. For example, I have friends who believe that they should never bring up anything about their child’s adoption, that they should leave it entirely up to the child to ask and trust that the child will ask “when they are ready” (in one case I know, the parent is following the advice of a relative who is an adoptee). This book (and others) make the case for parents not always leaving it to the child to bring things up.
August 14th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
I would like to recommend the book “Adoption Nation” as an excellent “adoption culture read”… I read it as I was beginning the preparation for our “paper chase” and after reading it I felt more “centered in the language and cultural attitudes” of adoption. I can’t recommend it enough. I also loved the movie “Together” a Chinese foreign language film.
August 14th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I thought the book was quiet thought provoking. I can certainly see why these children feel the way they do. I was a very shy, sad child-and can see how having any knowledge about having birthparents could spur resentment and anger towards the people that actually raise you and discipline you. But that was my personality to be self-centered and angry at the world all my life…I was not adopted.
My Dh was adopted as an infant and hated this book. He said it was very stereotypical of what people think adoptees go thru. He NEVER went through any of them-the friends he had that were adopted NEVER went through any of them either. He felt the author deliberately found the most angry and non-adjusted kids for this book (probably like she was at that age) to make it look like it was the normal thing for most.
I think we watch too many movies of adoptees who feel victimized by the fact that they were adopted, which makes it seem not the “perfect” way to build a family. And then there are the ever present hateful remarks of kids telling other kids they were “adopted” to mean not wanted and less normal. This way of thinking becomes ingrained until we actually know of how great adoption really is.
He had awesome loving parents who told him from a baby up about his adoption…he is greatful for them. And he knows what they went through in order to adopt him-he celebrates his birthday’s and adoption day’s every year with them. He tells them how much he is thankful to have them!
He said that any child who says their parents are not their “real” parents probably did not have the best home life with them.
It’s all about parenting folks…not what “experts” scare us to death with about what could happen! Talk to adult adoptees about the quality of life and happiness they have about being adopted. Sometimes the happy stuff never gets talked about-it’s always the issues and troubles. Don’t put your lives on hold and your kids in a plastic bubble! Just let them be kids and you be loving parents there to help when they NEED it.
NOW-that said Dh and I know that our daughters situation will be totally different from his…so we do have to be prepared just not dwell day and night on it all.
August 14th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I had many profound “ah-ha!” moments when I read this book, having been raised by a father who was adopted at 4 years of age by parents who didn’t mention it again until he was 18. Like LaurieSue, I want to buy this for my family because I think they could potentially better understand my father and what our daughter to be will likely go through. My dad is 65 years of age (today in fact!) and he is still affected by many of the issues presented in this book (like he hates his birthday!). I believe recognizing that a higher than average occurrence of certain traits/issues are often present in children who are adopted is a great way of becoming prepared to recognize and deal with the issues as they come up. Like many of you out there, I know first hand that monsters hide in the dark–we won’t be celebrating my father’s birthday today.
Jett B.
August 14th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Yes, I don’t think it is a matter of looking at our kids as “adopted” and stereotyping them, but instead recognizing and being sensitive to their particular issues. For example, the last time my child was on a plane was 8 months ago when I took her away from the orphanage in China. That’s about how long she was in the orphanage when she was abandoned at 17 months. Now I am taking her on a plane to visit my sister, and I have to be sensitive to the idea that even subconsiously she could be thinking that she is now up for another transfer or new life situation. That is why I told my sister I can’t leave her alone with her kids because she may not understand. I’d rather over-react and be protective than ignore what she could be feeling. When I told her we were going to be sleeping at my sister’s, she got very upset. This is very difficult stuff, so it’s good to be aware of what can potentially upset them, right?
August 14th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Hi Lauriesue,
It sounds like you are doing the best thing for your daughter. It could be so unsettling and scary for her to be on a plane again and then if you left her with strangers it could be even more frightening for her. Although she could cope just fine with it, you just dont’ know and for me it wouldn’t be worth taking a chance on. You sound like a very sensitive mum and its a pity your sister can’t be similarly sensitive toward your daughter’s situation. You could try asking her how her children might feel if they had gone through similar experiences to your daughter? This helped a little with my sister - asking her how would her kids feel to lose everyone and everything familiar to them as a little baby, and then again as a toddler.
For our Littly it helped that we took pictures of our home with us that he could look at, and talked about ‘when we all go home again’ so that he knew this wasn’t another permanent move, and that he wasn’t losing anyone.
I hope you have a great visit with your family and that your daughter copes with everything.
Best wishes
Gertiesquidge
DTC 10th August 2007
http://offtochinaoneday.blogspot.com/
August 14th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Lauriesue,
You stand firm for what is best for you and your daughter! I applaud you for recognizing the needs of your daughter - it’s your responsibilty to be her champion right now, and if that means your sister doesn’t “get it” - then that’s your sister’s issue.
I know family can be the worst to deal with - but the bottom line is that your daughter needs you to do exactly what you are doing! Good job!
And they are BABIES! 8 months with you is nothing, and I read somewhere along the line that when we adopt our children, we have to take care of them as though they were newborn — in the sense of bonding issues…and of course that led to sleeping, crying at night, food, etc. But I was super sensitive to that with our dd#1, and I’m so glad I was - I didn’t leave her much at all for the first year except with a nanny that came to our house, and now 3 years later, our daughter is so confident and strong, and just gets flustered when I don’t leave her — “are you still here?”, she asks…haha
Our children are unique and different than babies home from the womb — and I’m glad you are sensitive to that.
Bringing this back to the book - isn’t that what it’s about - reading, learning, and taking what works for you and your family, and then discarding the rest?!
Christy :)
August 15th, 2007 at 1:31 am
This is indeed a good book. You were brave, RQ, for reading it before adoption. :) When I read it, it made me really think of my stepdaughter, who felt totally abandoned by her own mother when her parents divorced. This book is all about dealing with abandonment issues.
Thanks for reviewing the sibling rivalry book, too, I think it will help with our two older, bio boys.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:31 am
I agree with RQ review of this book. You do have to be in the right frame of mind to read it and digest the information. You also have to remember where this woman was coming from and how ‘hidden’ her adoption was from her. One of the main points I got from this book was how important it was to discuss it factually with our children from day one.
Remember with this, all adoption and all parenting reading/research, each child and family is different and that factors into how applicable the advice is. Read this and become aware of possiblilities, just don’t assume that these things are true for every adopted child.
I recommend Talking to Young Children about Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher as a very informative book that is a lot less distressing and equally insightful.
August 15th, 2007 at 10:21 am
I have not read the book…but when we were in the process of exploring adoption I saw the book at Barnes and Nobles and sat down in a chair and started to flip through it. My DH came by and I had tears in my eyes and he is like “what is wrong with you?” I told him that I was scared to death to adopt…I didn’t want to continue the hurt for them.
DH said, “if they are never adopted the hurt will still be there. We have to do our very best to fulfill their needs and love them…and respect their feelings.”
He did not want me to get the book….of course now I think I can read it with different eyes….and I think I should.
Thanks for reminding me about the book.
~Linda
August 15th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I hated this book (but respect that others will not agree with me). It seemed to be saying that all adopted children will never get over being adopted and they are doomed to a life of disappointment and there is no hope. I totally disagree - every child goes through periods of feeling badly about themselves and their situation (adopted or not). While our childrens’ concerns may be different from other children, being adopted is not a disability that is insurmountable. Maybe years ago when being adopted was not discussed and children were not told. But not anymore. I believe that my daughter will have to deal with issues that her other non adopted friends don’t have to deal with. But I refuse to believe that being adopted is a life sentence to misery. And that is what I took away from this book.
August 15th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Noticed an error in my post - should have proof read. Below is the correction:
I hated this book (but respect that others will not agree with me). It seemed to be saying that all adopted children will never get over being adopted and they are doomed to a life of disappointment and there is no hope. I totally disagree - every child goes through periods of feeling badly about themselves and their situation (adopted or not). While our childrens’ concerns may be different from other children, being adopted is not a disability that is insurmountable. Maybe years ago when being adopted was not discussed and children were not told - perhaps then many adoptees were lead to believe that adoption was something shameful or somehow their fault. But not anymore. I believe that my daughter will have to deal with issues that her other non adopted friends don’t have to deal with. But I refuse to believe that being adopted is a life sentence to misery. And that is what I took away from this book.
August 15th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Just thought it might be helpful for those trying to decide whether to take this book on to add a few comments.
The author herself is adopted and is now in her 50’s. The list of 20 items is discussed in the context of her experiences and others who have sought out counseling to deal with issues relating to their adoption. So the list is not just made up out of thin air but are the real issues that real people have experienced. That being said these people are both from a different time in adoption and because they are those that felt a need to seek out help they are probably also a minority of adopted children.
The value in this book I think is that it is a reminder of the fact that we can’t be complacent about the role their adoption story can play in their lives. I personally don’t expect my daughter to have to tell with very many of these issues, but I feel better prepared to chart my way through this journey knowing the possibilities.
August 15th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Need an edit command here too.
That should have been “deal with” not “tell with”
August 17th, 2007 at 9:32 am
I have not read this book, but as an adoptee and parent of children who were adopted children; the excepts I have read over the years hurt and offended me.
I don’t see any harm in reading the books(as parents we should be open to the possibility that our children may have these feelings but please do not assume that all the children feel this way.
Our family has always looked at adoption as the way our family was built (like birth or marriage) that it is normal and not a disability. Adoption is not what defines us.
Of course, we all look at the world from different angles.