I don’t see any harm in reading the books(as parents we should be open to the possibility that our children may have these feelings but please do not assume that all the children feel this way.

Our family has always looked at adoption as the way our family was built (like birth or marriage) that it is normal and not a disability. Adoption is not what defines us.

Of course, we all look at the world from different angles.

That should have been “deal with” not “tell with”

The author herself is adopted and is now in her 50’s. The list of 20 items is discussed in the context of her experiences and others who have sought out counseling to deal with issues relating to their adoption. So the list is not just made up out of thin air but are the real issues that real people have experienced. That being said these people are both from a different time in adoption and because they are those that felt a need to seek out help they are probably also a minority of adopted children.

The value in this book I think is that it is a reminder of the fact that we can’t be complacent about the role their adoption story can play in their lives. I personally don’t expect my daughter to have to tell with very many of these issues, but I feel better prepared to chart my way through this journey knowing the possibilities.

I hated this book (but respect that others will not agree with me). It seemed to be saying that all adopted children will never get over being adopted and they are doomed to a life of disappointment and there is no hope. I totally disagree - every child goes through periods of feeling badly about themselves and their situation (adopted or not). While our childrens’ concerns may be different from other children, being adopted is not a disability that is insurmountable. Maybe years ago when being adopted was not discussed and children were not told - perhaps then many adoptees were lead to believe that adoption was something shameful or somehow their fault. But not anymore. I believe that my daughter will have to deal with issues that her other non adopted friends don’t have to deal with. But I refuse to believe that being adopted is a life sentence to misery. And that is what I took away from this book.

Remember with this, all adoption and all parenting reading/research, each child and family is different and that factors into how applicable the advice is. Read this and become aware of possiblilities, just don’t assume that these things are true for every adopted child.

I recommend Talking to Young Children about Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher as a very informative book that is a lot less distressing and equally insightful.

Thanks for reviewing the sibling rivalry book, too, I think it will help with our two older, bio boys.

I know family can be the worst to deal with - but the bottom line is that your daughter needs you to do exactly what you are doing! Good job!

And they are BABIES! 8 months with you is nothing, and I read somewhere along the line that when we adopt our children, we have to take care of them as though they were newborn — in the sense of bonding issues…and of course that led to sleeping, crying at night, food, etc. But I was super sensitive to that with our dd#1, and I’m so glad I was - I didn’t leave her much at all for the first year except with a nanny that came to our house, and now 3 years later, our daughter is so confident and strong, and just gets flustered when I don’t leave her — “are you still here?”, she asks…haha

Our children are unique and different than babies home from the womb — and I’m glad you are sensitive to that.

Bringing this back to the book - isn’t that what it’s about - reading, learning, and taking what works for you and your family, and then discarding the rest?!
Christy :)

It sounds like you are doing the best thing for your daughter. It could be so unsettling and scary for her to be on a plane again and then if you left her with strangers it could be even more frightening for her. Although she could cope just fine with it, you just dont’ know and for me it wouldn’t be worth taking a chance on. You sound like a very sensitive mum and its a pity your sister can’t be similarly sensitive toward your daughter’s situation. You could try asking her how her children might feel if they had gone through similar experiences to your daughter? This helped a little with my sister - asking her how would her kids feel to lose everyone and everything familiar to them as a little baby, and then again as a toddler.

For our Littly it helped that we took pictures of our home with us that he could look at, and talked about ‘when we all go home again’ so that he knew this wasn’t another permanent move, and that he wasn’t losing anyone.

I hope you have a great visit with your family and that your daughter copes with everything.

Best wishes
Gertiesquidge
DTC 10th August 2007
http://offtochinaoneday.blogspot.com/