Book Review: Attachment Books
When we adopted GlitterGirl I read Attaching in Adoption. I do not believe that was enough. I believe it is a very important book, but I don’t believe it is the only book you need to read.
The weekend after we got our referral for TwinkleToes I ordered the Toddler Adoption book, and as soon as it arrived I dove into it. As I was reading it I realized there were some things in this book that would have greatly helped us to deal with GlitterGirl’s anxious attachment. GlitterGirl was very very young when she was placed in our arms and I did not think this book applied to us. I was wrong. This book is a wealth of information and practical ideas even if you are referred a very young baby.
I have not read the entire Toolbox book, but I’ve spent an hour going through it and hitting the spots that I think pertain to my girls. I will at some point likely read through the majority of it, but the point here is that the way the book is layed out allows you to go straight to the parts you need at the moment without having to read the entire book. I debated about listing this book since I haven’t read the whole thing, but the parts I’ve read have been very helpful so I am including it.
I believe all three books are an important part of understanding attachment in a way that helps us to foster attachment and to recognize red flags for what they are instead of trying to explain them away.
I cannot stress enough how important I believe these three books are. I will be talking about the sensory books later in the week and those sensory books can probably wait to be read “if you actually need them”. But the attachment books can not wait to be read “if you need them”. These attachment books should be considered a “must read” before you get your child.
Understand that the first two often give worst case scenarios that can seem pretty scary, but that even if your child exhibits only one tenth of those examples you still need to understand what went wrong in brain development to cause these behaviors and what to do in order to help your child move in the direction of healthy attachment.
In our house I”m the reader. RK doesn’t really sit down and read books like I do. So we talk about a book as I’m reading it, and I can say “here, you need to read this chapter”, and he will. And that works well for us, especially since we both traveled. When I saw a red flag I told him it was a red flag and why I believed it to be a red flag and he pretty much took my word for it and my memory of what we should do. However, had we been one of those families where he traveled and I stayed home then I’d have probably insisted that he read the books himself.
What I’m trying to say is that in my opinion at least one person who travels should have read these books shortly before you travel so they are still fresh in your mind.
And then once you are home I think reading through them again after four or five months home can also be an eye opening experience.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:59 am
RQ, you hit on the three best books ever! I read lots of books before adopting our 14 month old, but didn’t get Toddler Adoption until we expected our 23 month old…and HOW I wish I had had it prior to our first adoption. It is absolutely pertinent to adopting a baby. I was amazed at all the “red flags” I saw in hindsight! This is the one book I always recommend to parents anticipating their first adoption. It’s a must.
I, too, recently bought Adoption Parenting, because I believe we’re never too informed to stop learning. And like you, I’ve perused it but not read it thoroughly yet. I cannot believe how much information is there! It’s a treasure trove. I’m really looking forward to having the time to sit down and digest as much as I can.
Thank you for sharing these books with everyone.
August 15th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Thank you so much for these book lists! Can you please put them all together in one link on the sidebar so as time marches on, we can have easy access to a complete listing? Our own RQ Library of sorts. It’d be a huge service for those of us with many months still ahead and the newer folks to the site. More time to read!
August 15th, 2007 at 10:24 am
RQ – thank you for all of your reviews this week. So far, all but one of the books are already on our shelves, waiting for one of us (or in a few cases, both of us) to read them. I have a question about the attachment books (those we haven’t started reading…we’re still at least a year away, so lots of time!). I want to get a book or two for my parents and in-laws to help them understand that we will be parenting our daughter differently than if she were a bio daughter (for example, no time-outs). Do you recommend a book for grandparents-to-be? Would one of the attachment books do the trick? THANK YOU for all that you do for us and the entire adoption community!
August 15th, 2007 at 10:25 am
RQ, I love the book reviews. Please keep them coming.
I read “Attaching in Adoption” and “Toddler Adoption” 2 years ago. I guess I should re-read them quickly. I’ll put that high on my list.
I’ll also take a look at “Adoption Parenting”.
Thanks again.
FTJ
LID 11/23/2005
August 15th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Thanks so much for posting these. I read Attaching in Addoption and Toddler adoption a few years ago when I adopted my first DD. I think I will be re-reading them over the next few weeks. Thanks again for EVERYTHING.
CTG
November 23, 2005 LID..Thankfully NEXT.
August 15th, 2007 at 10:35 am
I am so glad that you talk about attachment. I am SHOCKED at friends I have that have adopted from China who know NOTHING about it. Our agency is wonderful and really made us aware that this is an area that we need to study and learn about. I am SO glad that we did!!
I also learned a TON from http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php and http://www.attach-china.org/
His,
Mrs. U
LID 9-12-05
referral 1-4-07
“Gotcha” Day 2-25-07 for Elizabeth
http://www.makingahouseahome.blogspot.com
August 15th, 2007 at 10:56 am
I agree about reading these before you go. I read them way back when we were supposed to travel in 10 months from LID. I will re-read them when they start the referrals for the month before ours.
Thanks RQ for you time and effort in making this information available.
B
4/19/06
August 15th, 2007 at 11:02 am
As an adopting grandparent, I have always intended to read books about attachment issues since I will be the caregiver when my DD returns to work. Thanks so much RQ for the list of helpful books.
August 15th, 2007 at 11:15 am
RQ,
You made an interesting point that it’s best for some of this information to be fresh in your mind when you travel – which makes complete sense and brings me to a question.
When we began our paperwork, I blew through a list of recommeded books from our SW (and then some) – I didn’t stop until I got to post-adoption blues which seemed very premature (especially given the growing wait times).
Now we’ve officially switched to the VN program and expect a referral by the end of 2008, what do you suggest for reading between now and then and from that list what books would you delay reading.
Is there also a list of books that you recommend reading after travel (if that’s possible with a new baby/toddler in the house).
I guess what I’m really hoping for is your complete list of recommended reading. If this already exists on the site, my apologies.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Good to know!!!
I started Attaching in Adoption and put it aside because referral wait just keeps streaching out…………
I too did think I would wait to see how old our daughter is at referral before deciding to read Toddler Adoption. I guess I need to rethink that.
I have been going back and forth on ordering Adoption Parenting. I think I will go ahead and order it so I will have it on hand when I am ready to read it.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
I already read Adoption parenting (toolbox) and it is very interesting. I got Attaching in adoption but I have not began to read it yet. It seems more general than Adoption parenting. I will try the other one also because I have a long wait ahead of me (LID march 2007) !
I also think it is very important to read about attachment for our child in order to help them and understand them.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Has anyone listened to the CD’s? My DH is not a reader and we are going on a long road trip and I may have better luck getting him involved with the CD’s.
Thanks RQ for all your analysis and honesty in preparing all of us for our little one’s!
August 15th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Thank you for highlighting the need for adoptive parents to do some research before a child comes into their lives. As an info junkie (information is power!) and of the personality type of preparing for the worse (and anything better is gravy), I have quite an extensive collection of adoptive reading material. All the books you have reviewed to date are in my library, have been read and refered to many times during our journey to our first daughter and will be reread in the months to come in preparation for the home coming of our second child.
IMO, if you are only going to read one adoption related book, add “Raising Adopted Children” by Lois Ruskai Melina to your library. Melina touches on all adoption issues – a great resource.
FCM
August 15th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
These are 3 of my top 5! I like the format of Adoption Parenting Toolbox, and although I haven’t had to apply any of this information yet, Toddler Adoption has already been very helpful. Thank you for these great suggestions, RQ! Unlike RK, my husband won’t read a word of any of these books (if they had color pictures and talked about scuba diving, he might), so I made some summary cards that we can take to China. When we’re on the plane, or he starts to feel clueless, he can pull out the cards.
August 15th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
My adoption practitoner recommended Toddler Adoption, which I have read, as well as a number of others. I did like it and found it useful, but would say I did find it discouraging as well, particularly the beginning chapters. I found the information useful, but the tone a little negative -until I read some of it aloud to my dh who pointed out “that is a toddler thing, not necessarily just an adopted toddler thing.” Which is true – we noticed some of the behaviours attributed as unique to adopted children are present in our very emotionally healthy bio son. I just wanted to note that whether you are having a baby or adopting one, books are very helpful but can bombard you with information that can scare you (pregnancy books are terrifying in some of their details). In all things, research and reading are extremely helpful but at the end of the day, as a parent, common sense prevails, as does talking to your family and spouse. Just my experience.
August 15th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Also, two great interracial adoption books for children are Horace by Holly Keller (about a little spotted leopard who is upset that he has spots and his parents are striped) and A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza. Everyone might know of these already, but in case they are new to someone else – both are popular bedtime stories in our house.
August 15th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
SKS-
Post-adoption books? Try fiction and fantasy just to escape!
Okay, joking aside, I read “Different Children, Different Needs” by Dr. Charles Boyd; “The New Strong-Willed Child” by James Dobson; and “Delight in Your Child’s Design” by Laurie Winslow Sargent. (FYI, these are Christian books, but useful for all parents).
As you can guess, my son is a more difficult child to parent. Or maybe I should say I am having difficulty parenting him. He tends not to bring out he best in me. But in any case, I found reading general parenting books more helpful than focusing just on the adoption aspect. I continue to use the adoption related books, but many parenting books offer options to childrearing issues that I wasn’t taught growing up. It’s allowed me to experiment, for lack of a better word, in order to determine what works best for me and my children.
But you really need to do some pleasure reading, too. So grab someting you enjoy from the library and don’t even go near the parenting section…sometimes we all need a break!
P&J
August 15th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Hi WaitingForRebecca,
As a parent of both birth and adopted children, I think you are right that many things in the Toddler Adoption book are typical toddler stuff. The difference can be in the intensity or frequency of the behaviour in an adopted child.
What a birth child might try once, an adopted child might do over and over again, neglect can effect cause and effect thinking and impulse control. [An excellent book that explains this much better than I can is The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland.]
Or if a birth child is insecure starting nursery (think you call it daycare in the US?) the ‘cure’ could be to work up slowly to leaving them for a full day. But for an adopted child this might not be enough – they have known loss already, they _know_ deep deep down that mum doesn’t always come back! So they might need to not be placed in a nursery and need a lot more time with their new parents, so they can learn that they are safe and these parents aren’t going to leave/be taken away.
The behaviours can be very similar in adopted and birth children, but the reason behind them can be different and can need a different way of dealing with.
Best wishes
Gertiesquidge
UK DTC 10th August 2007
http://offtochinaoneday.blogspot.com/
August 15th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Thanks very much for the thoughtful research and insights you share here, RQ. I love your candor also. I don’t have any of these books and as we are expecting a VN referral next month, really need to prepare as fully as possible–especially as our daughter, now 4 1/2, will probably have adjustment issues also.
Thank you for empowering us with knowledge. Your site is a wonderful service to so many.
August 16th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Hi gertissquidge – good points, thanks for your insight. I will keep that in mind when I am doing my reading and education. It makes sense, and validates our decision that I will stay home with the children for the first year, at least, after we adopt.
August 16th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
also to add to the List is Holly van Gulden’s books The Dance of Attachment (Self published)and Real Parents Real Children both also explore parenting through strong attachment! I saw her recently in New Zealand and if any of you ever get to see her speak she is amazing! well worth it even though at times what she has to say can be unpleasant! She is a been there done that woman who practises what she preaches! I want to hear to talk again and again!
20 questions is another great book to read and I would recommend you read that one every couple of years again !
Just my very early morning ravings from down under!
Any news on the next batch of referrals! DTC dec 19 2005 and waiting! for number 3 child!
August 16th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Thanks, RQ! I just went on-line and purchased them today! Seeing as I have all this free time … :-)
August 16th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
I read the first two of those books and found the both alarming. After reading these reviews, i’m definitely going to pick them up again – and that third one. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with a husband that doesn’t read. I’m going to try the RQ trick of reading one chapter at a time. Just got the new Michael Ondaatje book from our library though so the adoption reading is going on hold…