Comments on: Book Review: Attachment Books

By: kentuckymama2b

kentuckymama2b — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 23:46:48 +0000

I read the first two of those books and found the both alarming. After reading these reviews, i’m definitely going to pick them up again - and that third one. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with a husband that doesn’t read. I’m going to try the RQ trick of reading one chapter at a time. Just got the new Michael Ondaatje book from our library though so the adoption reading is going on hold…

By: patienceisavirtue

patienceisavirtue — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 20:24:30 +0000

Thanks, RQ! I just went on-line and purchased them today! Seeing as I have all this free time … :-)

By: mummatomany

mummatomany — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 17:48:19 +0000

also to add to the List is Holly van Gulden’s books The Dance of Attachment (Self published)and Real Parents Real Children both also explore parenting through strong attachment! I saw her recently in New Zealand and if any of you ever get to see her speak she is amazing! well worth it even though at times what she has to say can be unpleasant! She is a been there done that woman who practises what she preaches! I want to hear to talk again and again!

20 questions is another great book to read and I would recommend you read that one every couple of years again !
Just my very early morning ravings from down under!
Any news on the next batch of referrals! DTC dec 19 2005 and waiting! for number 3 child!

By: WaitingForRebecca

WaitingForRebecca — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 12:47:59 +0000

Hi gertissquidge - good points, thanks for your insight. I will keep that in mind when I am doing my reading and education. It makes sense, and validates our decision that I will stay home with the children for the first year, at least, after we adopt.

By: wyofamily

wyofamily — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 22:04:22 +0000

Thanks very much for the thoughtful research and insights you share here, RQ. I love your candor also. I don’t have any of these books and as we are expecting a VN referral next month, really need to prepare as fully as possible–especially as our daughter, now 4 1/2, will probably have adjustment issues also.

Thank you for empowering us with knowledge. Your site is a wonderful service to so many.

By: gertiesquidge

gertiesquidge — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 21:57:53 +0000

Hi WaitingForRebecca,

As a parent of both birth and adopted children, I think you are right that many things in the Toddler Adoption book are typical toddler stuff. The difference can be in the intensity or frequency of the behaviour in an adopted child.

What a birth child might try once, an adopted child might do over and over again, neglect can effect cause and effect thinking and impulse control. [An excellent book that explains this much better than I can is The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland.]

Or if a birth child is insecure starting nursery (think you call it daycare in the US?) the ‘cure’ could be to work up slowly to leaving them for a full day. But for an adopted child this might not be enough - they have known loss already, they _know_ deep deep down that mum doesn’t always come back! So they might need to not be placed in a nursery and need a lot more time with their new parents, so they can learn that they are safe and these parents aren’t going to leave/be taken away.

The behaviours can be very similar in adopted and birth children, but the reason behind them can be different and can need a different way of dealing with.

Best wishes
Gertiesquidge
UK DTC 10th August 2007
http://offtochinaoneday.blogspot.com/

By: petnjay

petnjay — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 18:54:38 +0000

SKS-
Post-adoption books? Try fiction and fantasy just to escape!

Okay, joking aside, I read “Different Children, Different Needs” by Dr. Charles Boyd; “The New Strong-Willed Child” by James Dobson; and “Delight in Your Child’s Design” by Laurie Winslow Sargent. (FYI, these are Christian books, but useful for all parents).

As you can guess, my son is a more difficult child to parent. Or maybe I should say I am having difficulty parenting him. He tends not to bring out he best in me. But in any case, I found reading general parenting books more helpful than focusing just on the adoption aspect. I continue to use the adoption related books, but many parenting books offer options to childrearing issues that I wasn’t taught growing up. It’s allowed me to experiment, for lack of a better word, in order to determine what works best for me and my children.

But you really need to do some pleasure reading, too. So grab someting you enjoy from the library and don’t even go near the parenting section…sometimes we all need a break!

P&J

By: WaitingForRebecca

WaitingForRebecca — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 18:38:26 +0000

Also, two great interracial adoption books for children are Horace by Holly Keller (about a little spotted leopard who is upset that he has spots and his parents are striped) and A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza. Everyone might know of these already, but in case they are new to someone else - both are popular bedtime stories in our house.

By: WaitingForRebecca

WaitingForRebecca — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 18:17:00 +0000

My adoption practitoner recommended Toddler Adoption, which I have read, as well as a number of others. I did like it and found it useful, but would say I did find it discouraging as well, particularly the beginning chapters. I found the information useful, but the tone a little negative -until I read some of it aloud to my dh who pointed out “that is a toddler thing, not necessarily just an adopted toddler thing.” Which is true - we noticed some of the behaviours attributed as unique to adopted children are present in our very emotionally healthy bio son. I just wanted to note that whether you are having a baby or adopting one, books are very helpful but can bombard you with information that can scare you (pregnancy books are terrifying in some of their details). In all things, research and reading are extremely helpful but at the end of the day, as a parent, common sense prevails, as does talking to your family and spouse. Just my experience.

By: lovemybulldog

lovemybulldog — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 17:19:16 +0000

These are 3 of my top 5! I like the format of Adoption Parenting Toolbox, and although I haven’t had to apply any of this information yet, Toddler Adoption has already been very helpful. Thank you for these great suggestions, RQ! Unlike RK, my husband won’t read a word of any of these books (if they had color pictures and talked about scuba diving, he might), so I made some summary cards that we can take to China. When we’re on the plane, or he starts to feel clueless, he can pull out the cards.