Racism and International Adoption
Let’s put this on its own thread and really talk about it.
As we’ve been discussing in the comments to the previous post, there are people out there who feel that those who adopt from China are racist. They say that we’d rather fly to another country to adopt a Chinese baby than adopt an AA baby from our own country. The whole Paula Zahn fiasco was in part about that very thing, Roland Martin basically called everyone who’d adopted internationally a racist for not adopting the black kids here in the U.S. The irony here is that we all saw Roland Martin as being a racist, but that’s a whole ‘nother discussion.
I know that for most of us this “racist” argument is absolutely not true. We all have our reasons for “why China”, and for the vast majority of us I’m betting that this has nothing to do with it. I do believe that there is probably a small percentage that do feel that way, and who do choose China because they do not want a black or even biracial child. I also believe that these people have no clue that by the time their kids hit the 5th grade they’ll realize that being a female of Chinese heritage who is living in America comes with just as many stereotypes as being an African American. And if they happen to be attractive as well, there are even more stereotypes to deal with.
Personally, most of the non-Caucasians I’ve met seem to see me as not-racist when they realize that my children are a different race than I am. I can see a difference in the way (for instance) some black people respond to me at a first meeting when I have my kids vs when I do not. It’s kind of like, when it is just me they are meeting, they don’t know my feelings about race so they are more careful with me, they are cautious, I can feel a bit of a wall. But, when I’ve got my kids with me it must tell them that I’m capable of seeing people and not stereotypes, and they just seem to interact differently right from the start. I put this out there because I want to make the point that most people seem to have the opposite viewpoint of those like Roland Martin, who believe that we are racist because we have Chinese kids instead of black kids. In my experience, most see us as people who don’t see race as all that important.
As for why we chose China, the truth for most of us is that we had some formula that consisted of open vs closed, permanence of the adoption, age at adoption, health status (which includes the possibility of things like FAS and prenatal drug exposure), our own feelings about various races, total cost involved (no, we aren’t buying babies, but cost of fees and travel is a factor for those of us who aren’t really really rich), and total risk.
Many who go the international route do so because we are afraid of the domestic route. We’re afraid of having children we’ve grown to love in the deepest manner we can imagine ripped from us by a legal system that still gives preference to blood relation.
And once we decide to adopt internationally instead of domestically, we then look at all of the programs and decide which is the best fit for our family. For those who go the international route and who aren’t comfortable with a non-Caucasian child there were/are only a few options outside of a domestic adoption. For those who are comfortable adopting from a different race, there are more options.
For me, personally, race did not play into my decisions. If we were just now getting started we’d likely go to Ethiopia, as I believe that of the available options at this point in time, that one would fit our family the best. But, when we got started, China was the best option for our family. And that’s where we went. And I’m obviously madly in love with my girls.
Luckily, most people do not view us as racist for “going overseas instead of adopting a black baby”. But there are people out there with exactly that opinion, and I think we are all wise to understand why they feel this way, because if we don’t understand where they are coming from we can’t begin to educate them as to why they are wrong. How do we educate them? My standard answer for those who’ve made this accusation is to explain why we did not choose domestic, how the laws in the U.S. must change before I’d personally feel comfortable giving 100% of my emotions to a child adopted domestically. That I could never have given myself over 100% to a child that I was afraid could one day be taken from me. I’m not strong enough emotionally to do that. For me, it was necessary to go overseas to adopt. I don’t know that I could fight a bio family if I felt the bio family could give the child a good home, it wouldn’t be right to the child to either fight or not fight. If I gave up easily, the child would think I abandoned them. If I fought, the child would likely someday think I tried to keep them from their “real” family. A lose/lose situation. I could not emotionally deal with even a percent of a percent of a chance of that happening. For me, domestic just wasn’t an option. So far, everyone I’ve explained that to, got it. Well, except for Roland Martin, and he’s too married to his opinion (and ego) to even consider anyone else’s opinion.
For those who weren’t around for the Paula Zahn fiasco, here are transcripts from the show that started it all (starts about 2/3rds of the way through)
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0701/05/pzn.01.html
Here is an excerpt of what got us so upset:
ZAHN: You understand this better than anybody. Why don’t we see more Americans adopting black foster children?
MARTIN: That’s my point. What’s the big deal with Chinese children? Why the infatuation?
ZAHN: You think it’s something with the color of their skin? Is that what you’re driving at?
MARTIN: Maybe they think they can adopt a smart kid that is going to grow up to be a doctor? I don’t know. They need to realize that’s called training, not just inherent, it will happen when they’re born.
Angel, help me out.
MALDONADO: Absolutely. This is something I’ve been looking into for a long time. Americans have this love affair with girls from China. There is this belief, this perception, irrational as it might be that if you adopt a little girl from China, she’s going to be intelligent, she’s going to be more lovable.
MARTIN: Like the porcelain doll.
MALDONADO: We definitely see that idea of the beautiful Chinese little girl, as compared to do, they really want to adopt a black boy.
It got worse, but you get the idea.
Here are the relevant posts and discussion we had here, as you can see, it went on for some time, with Paula Zahn coming back to the story two more times:
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/05/how-to-write-paula-zahn/
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/06/so-much-for-believing-cnn/
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/06/getting-organized/
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/06/advertisers/
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/08/paula-zahn-tonight/
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/08/what-did-yall-think/
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/11/paula-zhan-again/
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/01/12/cnn-tas-sn-forms-review-room/
November 19th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Excellent post. This one would be my suggestion for the “Hall of Fame” if you decide to go forward with it.
SIS
November 19th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
This is a very interesting post to show up at this time for us! We have been considering adopting an African American child due to the loooooooong wait that keeps getting longer with China. What holds us back isn’t race, any more than it was race that sent us to China, but the very real fear of a disrupted adoption. We’ve had to failed tries domestically–although those were through “friends of the family”. But it was enough to make us gun shy. We are LID 3-22-06 and know it will happen with China…but are so worried something else will come along and delay things further!! We thought this time last year we’d be home, and now we’re hoping and praying this time next year we will be. The othe aspect was, the China adoption community as a HUGE cultural support system. Even in the rural area we live. A challenge we have to consider is, is there the same support for African American babies where they can stay connected to their culture as well? I think it is going to be a challenge…no matter WHAT race your child is from. Any input on this would be greatly appreciated! Thanks ahead of time. Thanks RQ..it is interesting to see the different perspective of how other races react to you when they see you with the girls. I never thought about that nor has anyone mentioned that before! It’s good to know.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Very thoughtful post, RQ. Thanks!!!
November 19th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Thanks for the excellent post. I find ignorant comments to be really upsetting, and I thought that was a very insightful summary of the issue. Personally, race is a non-factor for me, China was just the right program. However, I recognize some people may not be comfortable with a multi-racial family. Does that make them racist? I don’t know, I don’t question others, and I just don’t think it’s right to question someone’s personal family choices. I think we all need to build our families in ways we feel comfortable. I honestly hate defending my choice to adopt.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
I did not read all the Paula Zhan Show and I do not get CNN, perhaps some other can fill me in.
What I want to know, is , did any of the speakers talk about the AA Social Workers and their stance about white parents adopting black babies/children?
Aside from the concerns about progressing through a domestic adoption and then the birth mother changing her mind, there are some very vocal groups in this country who are very much against AA babies/children being adopted by non AA parents.
This also played into our decision-making. DH and I are a stepfamily. IMO, a birthmother wouldn’t look at our portfolio and think, “OOHHHHHH, a stepfamily! I want them to parent my baby.”
There is more of a demand for parents who will adopt AA or biracial babies and we did consider it. We still may for our second adoption. Our big concerns are 1) the heartache involved if the birthmother changes her mind; 2) How long will we have to wait. There is no timeline to follow with domestic adoption; and 3) social repercussions our child may face from others who do not agree with AA children being raised by white parents.
Perhaps I am misinformed, but this seems to be a bigger social issue with very vocal AA groups being against it than there are vocal Asian-American groups being against white parents adopting Asian babies.
My next question is, if AA groups or others do want to see more adoptions of AA babies/kids then why don’t the work harder at establishing support groups for these families and the adopted kids. Asian groups have done this. Where I live a local college has a group of students from China who act as mentors for young girls that were adopted from China.
Where are these types of support? I would think it would be easier to establish this type of support for AA adopted kids than Chinese adopted kids. Yet, I haven’t heard of any.
I find it irritating.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
You know the funny thing is most of these people who shout racism, have never adopted a foster care child themselves. If they feel that stronly about it then they should go for it.
Jen Talley
LID 12-12-05
November 19th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Given the amount of racism that still exists in our country today, I think there is some truth to this, but not to the degree expressed by Martin. I also think RQ’s factors weigh heavily for lots of people as well.
What amazes me even more is the subtle racism I hear about China from a small but significant minority of parents of adopted Chinese children. I’ve seen it in person, on this site (from commenters, not from RQ), and in other online adoptive communities. There are a number of parents out there who see themselves as the Great White Hope rescuing a little girl from barbaric and backwards China.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
“We’re afraid of having children we’ve grown to love in the deepest manner we can imagine ripped from us by a legal system that still gives preference to blood relation.”
Nail on the head.
We never had ANY intention of domestic adoption ourselves, and we came to China only after finding out that Japan rarely has adoptions domestically, let alone internationally.
Racism has nothing to do with it, it’s all about parental rights and the “stability” of the program. Too bad that “stability” has us pondering quitting the program now…but that is another story for another topic.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
What next, will I have to explain to strangers why I chose a spouse of a particular race?
I find a certain level of beggars shouldn’t be choosers hidden in such comments. Who I marry & who I adopt are no different. Are these choices based on some sort of racism…possibly. I believe everyone is racist to some degree. But in the end, it is nobodys business.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
Can you believe all that Paula Zhan stuff was almost a whole year ago?
Thanks for the post, RQ, and continuing to put such important issues out there.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
my wife and I are a bi-racial family. Early on we decidded to go for China because of the challenges with open adoption here in the states. As we have been waiting we were twice called to see if we would take a child here in our state, we’re told we’re the only AA, Caucasion couple in adoptin mode n our state. The first was a birth mother due to give birth in two weeks, She was notsure who the father was but was perrty sure it was Bi-racial. Well we pondered, and asked for more info. Birthing cost , some living expenes, she would like either a meeting once a year or a progress report. Three days later the birth mother changed her mind and kept the baby. Another time a family had just had their 7th child and decided that they could not afford it. The couple wanted a bi-racial household thinking it would be an advantage to the child , who was not I’m told, The mother did not want to meet us or see more than the usual profile. The father wanted to meet us before, This couple was waaay too close to where we lived and after the first time we decided that we should back away because it felt like this ws another couple that could change theur mind even after the fact. We visited about 5 or six agencys before we chose one. Of those five only one asked us what we wanted as upposed to going right to the bi card. Health, money, though that’s catching up, a close adoption , all the things you all know brought us to China, though if we knew how long it was going to take we might have gone Africa or tried for a closed domestic. Our families are both fairly liberal, and haveing been a mixed couple in New England we get our occasional slights. But Nobody has the right to decide what is right or wrong about us or our decisions. So wit the whole Paula Zahan thing and all the other stuff out there we just consider peoples ignorance their problem not ours. If somebody reacts that strongly with no point of refferance, then I recomend some therapy. FYI CNN .com has a story of race incidents numbers on there spot today. m
November 19th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
There were so many factors that played into us selecting China. I would love–more than anything–to adopt a mixed race child through domestic adoption. And maybe one day we will. But, I have seen (and researched) the decades of AA social workers speaking out AGAINST placing an AA child in a family of another race. I find this very frustrating. Thankfully, our agency does encourage families who desire to adopt a child of another race domestically. In fact, they also provide a monthly support group for families who have done so.
But beyond what I (and DH) would like to do, we realized in the midst of considering SN China adoption that the decision isn’t entire up to us. We realized that our parents may not be so accepting of a child who “doesn’t look normal”. While I believe my mom would be supportive of us adopting an AA child, my dad & ILs would not be so supportive. Yes, absolutely, what we do is our business, HOWEVER, we came to the conclusion that we had to ensure our child had our families’ support in addition to ours. To not be accepted outside of the family is one thing, but for our child to not have a safe circle of love and support within our family, I simply could not do. Our child needs to have that circle of safeness, love and support. We just didn’t feel like our extended family–at this time–could provide that. My ILs are in their mid-70s…it’s a product of their upraising. I see that, and while they have never come right out and said they wouldn’t be accepting, I just sense they wouldn’t. It’s not that they are racist, it’s about differences. They have never had a relationship with an AA person–someone who is different. They have a family in their neighborhood who have a daughter from China, and thus they have experienced what that looks like, so they can be accepting of it. I very much expected them to not be supportive of our adoption, but they surprised me. It’s hard to explain without sounding horrible or making them sound horrible. And maybe once we have had our daughter home for some time, they will be more open, I don’t know. But at this point, China was the best option for our family.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
I remember watching the Paula Zahn round table and feeling my blood boil. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did…and then some. Not that I expect everyone to understand ‘Why China’, but I would like it if people could respect my choice (and my right to make it) even if they don’t agree with it.
We chose China for specific reasons (ie., predictibility - don’t snicker at that - hindsight is always 20/20). ;)
Even with the seemingly never-ending wait - prospective referral in 2010 - we would still go ahead with it.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
We have friends who adopted both domestically (first) and then internationally. With the domestic adoption, our friends went through a horrific 4 months of wondering whether the baby they loved would be taken from them. Because they were doing an open adoption, the birth parents’ friends and family had the opportunity to spend time with the baby. They were afraid of retribution if they said “no” to the birth relatives, but were also afraid that the more time the friends and family spent with the baby, they would convince the birth parents to change their minds. One of our friends (the dad) lost over 30 pounds and barely slept a wink during those 4 months. And our friends were “lucky.” At the end of those heart-wrenching months, they were legally the parents to a wonderful baby. Others are not as fortunate, and they have to look elsewhere for the child that is in their hearts. Needless to say, when they decided to adopt a second child, they just couldn’t take the emotional roller coaster that they experienced with their domestic adoption, and they opted to adopt from Guatamala.
They love both of their children equally, even though they are from different countries with different backgrounds.
Their decision to go international had nothing to do with race and everything to do with the laws associated with domestic adoption.
Before people start making assumptions about the motivation of an international adoption, maybe they need to respectfully ask a few questions. The reasons people give for not adopting children born in the U.S. might surprise them! Perhaps it is their own assumptions about race (which they assume everyone shares…) that are getting in the way of solving the problem of U.S. children without forever families. They don’t see the problem for what it is. The problem is not with the adoptive parents, but with the domestic adoption system.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Ok well I have no real facts to support my feelings on this, but I do think that many people are way more comfortable with the idea of adopting an asian child than a “black” child.
I am not sure that these people are necessarily racist though although some are I am sure. I don’t know what to call it. For me personally, I think it would be easier to be an asian/white family where we are than a black/white family. Christy Canuck made this very point in the forum today with respect to the differing reactions they get from people now that they have switched from China to Ethiopia.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Interesting.
I had never considered any area to adopt from but China -ever since I heard a discussion on the effects of the one child policy on young girls. This was a long standing interest on my part.
My husband is a school teacher and really wanted to start with AA children or maybe biracial as he has enjoyed working with these groups very much in his job.
(Just for fun . . . my Mom looked at me and asked why we weren’t going to adopt American Indian kids, as her best friend adopted 5 - that was her view of it. She has of course not kept up and did not realize the First Nations don’t look very favorably at adopting outside their culture now - she just saw that as a need to be filled. I am part Cherokee, so I have considered looking at tribal affiliation, but my Dad not only had no interest, he would not have been pleased at all)
It was not until I got more into the adoption world that I realized there was some very stong opposition to white families adopting black children. The gist of it seems to be “you white families will never understand what happened to us and so you can never properly prepare and support a black child to an adulthood where they will have to deal with being racially different than the majority”.
Well, OK, all other things being equal it would probably be best for any child to grow up in their own family, and if not there own then a family with similar background.
This is true for our Chinese daughters and sons as well.
Unfortunately all other things are NOT equal. I firmly believe that one of the most basic needs a child has is at least one adult dedicated to helping them navigate the long tough road from infancy to young adulthood. We all need that person who will stand behind us and help us make sense and order of our world and tell us that we are unique and special and loved.
Everything after that is gravy - nice to have, but not required for proper development as a person or to go on and have a successful and happy adulthood.
Unfortunately these very basic things are what institutions lack, and what the US foster system actually destroys.
So if the best options are not available to the child - e.g. their own family ready willing and able to take care of them, then placing them with a family who can provide that basic required foundation is a good thing. At that level it is not important what color the parent and child are. What matters is the proper care for the child and fit for the family.
And dare I say it - it is possible that along with losing a family of the same origin there is a possible gain in joing a family of many origins. Many things in life are like that - losses and gains from the same action. We are always balancing the good and bads of most major decisions in our life. It would be better to have your first family ready willing and able to raise you, but is it BAD that another family with a different background steps in to fill that role when needed. I don’t think it is a bad thing, I think that is a good thing. My child will have a different experience of life being raised in this family, but I will do my darndest to see that it is not a BAD experience.
I will say we were delighted and astonished to find out how much support we could get from FCC and our local Chinese Community. We were not expecting that, but boy am I relieved that the support is available.
I don’t know if we will adopt AA or biracial next, we are rapidly aging out of every option. But if we do it will be because I fervently believe we will be providing that child the best opportunity to go on to a successful life. The heck with the opinion of some social workers!
November 19th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
I know this post isn’t completely about this but I want to add that, no matter which side you are on, the foster care system is broken, broken, BROKEN!! Whether you are a foster parent who has fostered a child for YEARS and then a relative comes “out of the woodwork” and you lose the child or you’re a relative that came forward IMMEDIATELY and have to spend tens of thousands of dollars and months and months and months to get the child out of the foster care system, the whole system is BROKEN!! So when people offer up this “why don’t you adopt a black kid” rhetoric, it speaks not only to their own racism but to their ignorance as well.
It is not easy to adopt a child, period. Domestic, private, agency, international, foster - it is a long, arduous journey and I venture to say the people shouting and yelling the loudest are the ones who haven’t walked ten feet in our shoes.
Ok, and is it “just me” or is there something bizarre and insidious about “black kids” and their adoption (or lack there of) being offered up as the barometer of racism?
November 19th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
I’ll be honest. I wasn’t prepared to take on the issues of a domestic adoption.
One, I don’t think I could survive having my daughter taken from me to be returned to her birth parents. Two, my bio wouldn’t post well on a website pleading with a birth mother to choose me. Who would choose a single woman with a librarian’s income? And three, it was a very real possibility that I would be raising a baby with crack addiction, fetal alcohol syndrom, bipolar disorder or a miriad of other issues that plague a good number of babies hitting our country’s foster care system. Some people may look down on me for this, but I honestly did not want to willingly take that on.
People can say what they want. They can think what they want. And it really doesn’t matter. We are building our families as we see fit, and the only people we need to please are our children.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
It was simple for us. We were told that we could not adopt
AA children because we were caucasion. This was through he state. We did not want to adopt an infant. Our agency who did domestic adoptions said to adopt AA is difficult because their birthmothers only wanted AA families.
We adopted from Haiti. Our dd was 2years 3 months old
when we came home with her. The best thing that we ever did. While we were waiting, we got a call from our
agency we used for our dd (domestic and IA) that if we
wanted would we be interested in adopting an AA baby boy.
She said the birthmother wanted them to find a family.
We declined because we were waiting for our dd, and only
one at a time for me LOL. I have had nothing but positive
responses from AA’s in my neighborhood, but CPS, and SW
do not share their positive view. I have many online friends
that have adopted from Ethiopia and their children are
absolutely gorgeous.
We chose China because we wanted a girl, sister for our
dd. Haiti was not an option for us, we did not want to go through all that again. Instead we looked on the WC’s listings of different agencies and found our wonderful ds.
He could of been black, brown, pink or green. It didn’t matter, we knew he was meant to be with us.
My neighbor is AA and she said African Americans rarely adopt. However, I do know of 3 AA that have adopted from
China, one recently nearly didn’t bring her dd home. I know
one AA lady adopted a little girl from India.
It is extremely difficult to adopt in the US, there are too
many inconsistencies with everything.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
I have found that usually when people ask me “why China”, it’s 95% of the time their own biases, more than anything, that cause them to ask the question.
We’ve had so many people in my IL’s side of the family blurt out “why not Russia” as soon as we told them about the adoption. Yeah, that doesn’t scream…why not a white kid, huh?
What I find curious is the “non-nasty” racism, for lack of a better term - every person who’s told me that of course my daughter will be cute, that she’ll be smart, that she’ll be good at music…that of course she’ll be better off in this country than evil communist China. But if someone told them a negative stereotype about an AA person, they would probably look at them and say “That’s not very nice”, but they are judging just the same…
There’s pretty Chinese people and regular Chinese people…smart and dumb, rich and poor, nice and mean, musically inclined, or two left thumbs at a keyboard.
The DA world here in this country is so messed up, it’s not even funny. And as to “rating” which race is more acceptable - if my family can’t accept whatever race we choose, then, well, they aren’t the kind of souls that I want to call family.
Usually if people ask me, I treat it more as their own hangups, then the idea that I have to explain myself to someone.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
HI BELLA’S MOM, VERY WELL SAID. IAM LID9-16-06 AND STILL HAVE A LOT OF HOPE ON A REFERRAL IN 2008.
November 19th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
As most with APs, we researched all our options before we selected a program to go with. We received the brochure from our local county explaining adoption from the foster care program. I recall reading this about a darling little girl, “should be only child in the home and there should be no small petsâ€. The information I read from them said in so many words, to think carefully about proceeding, that adopting these children was not something to do out of charity or moral beliefs. These children are complex and often greatly damaged you need to go in with you eyes wide open and if you read between the lines, have a degree in child psychology.
Next, we looked at adopting an infant through our agencies in country program. My DH and I spoke with four different families all of whom had negative experiences. One family fixed up their baby room first for a girl, than for a boy, than decided to switch to IA when both had fallen through due to the birth mom reconsidering. Another couple I spoke with sat in the hospital, after the birth of the child who was to be their son, listening to the Birth moms SW tell her ” she didn’t need to do this†and explaining all her options. The Adoptive Moms SW was not allowed in the room. They did not take that baby home. It took this family three try’s before they where successful adopting a child in country. Also, our agency told us it could take anywhere from a month to 5 years to be selected from their list. We would create a page about ourselves and put it in their book for the Birth Moms to look through. The agency told us there where 5 families for every potential child. We are older and we didn’t have time to wait for five years for what may or may not happen. Granted, we are now waiting a looong time but we had no idea of the wait when we started. We choose China because at the time it was steady reliable program and a child was at the end of the wait. We also would have adopted from Ethiopia if we had known the wait would be 3+ years.
Another thing with Adoption in the US, correct me if I am wrong, but not all children in the system are available to you. Aren’t you limited to the resources your agency works with? So your local county might not work with your agency they might require their own application process etc etc. I don’t know though, because for the reasons above we did not go that route.
November 19th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
As LilyBeth said, the BROKEN foster care system was the primary reason we did not choose to adopt domestically. I work in the mental health field and I’ve seen so many kids bounced around from foster care home to foster care home (often with great families, whom I greatly respect) then they end up back with their bio parents, things don’t go well, so they’re removed again…it goes on and on. So, by the time a child is available for adoption, he or she may have very serious attachment issues, as well as pre-natal alcohol and/or drug exposure. Also, where we live, many, many of the children in foster care are Native American and as mentioned by others, the tribes want NA kids placed with NA families. I don’t think adoption from the foster care system is actually as easy as some people make it sound. As it stands, we brought home our daughter over a year ago and we know without a doubt that the China program was absolutely the perfect one for our family.
November 19th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
My husband and I chose China because of family considerations; his aunt and uncle adopted from Jiangxi back in 1995.
After deciding to adopt,China was our natural choice. It will be wonderful for his cousin (now 12) to have someone else in our family who shares her background. She will also be a wonderful mentor and jie jie of sorts for her new baby cousin.
In addition, I am a caucasian female; LingWan is my Chinese name bestowed by my amazing Chinese teacher.
LID 12-14-05
November 19th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
One of the CNN panelist was Seton Hall Law Professor, Solangel Madonado. Unlike Roland Martin, Professor Maidonado probably does have some understanding of international and US domestic adoption. Here is a quote from an abstract of one of her papers: ” The racial hierarchy in the adoption market places white children at the top, African-American children at the bottom, and children of other races in between, thereby possibly rendering children from Asia or Latin America more desirable to adoptive parents than African-American children. Drawing on the rich literature on cognitive bias, Professor Maldonado debunks the myths about domestic and international adoptions and shows that racial preferences, even if unconscious, play a role in many Americans’ decisions to adopt internationally.”
RQ, I’d encourage you to invite her here as a guest blogger, so she can clarify her position and we can better understand it and perhaps challenge it.
November 19th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Years of infertility. We just want a baby. Not a baby that someone can see on the 6 O’clock news being ripped from our arms. Our decisions had NOTHING to do with race.
November 19th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
RQ & jjnanj nailed it on the head for us.
We asked about Domestic adoption but once we heard that the birth mom could change her mind (simply put) we decided that route was not for us.
We had heard alot of positives about the China program, also. The agency we chose is also very reputable, too.
Thank you for the eloquent post, RQ.
Lisa.
LID: 12.20.06
November 19th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
On the news a week or so ago, they said that something like 52% of domestic adoptions are interrupted by the birth mother. Those odds are not worth the gamble!!!!
November 19th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Race had nothing to do with our decision to adopt from China and Vietnam. In fact, I think an adoption from Ethiopia is in the cards for us some day. RQ expressed the reservations about domestic adoption very well. For us, that’s the issue. I also have the same concerns about my ability to handle the emotional aspects that come with the uncertainties of domestic adoption (I mean, after years of infertility, the last thing we want to go through is a failed adoption). If we ever did become comfortable with domestic adoption, we’d happily embrace and love a child of ANY race. We would NOT specify any race preferences. I think people like those featured on the CNN segment are insecure themselves and take it out on others. Their opinions are so uneducated, I’m not sure if I want to laugh or cry…
November 19th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Funny thing- I work with people who, in my office, at least half are AA, and many of them do not think I should be adopting a child OTHER THAN WHITE. For them, it’s “wrong” to be adopting out of my own race. Period.
The rest of the people I work with…AA or White, think I’m a saint for adopting any child whatsoever. I really wish I could just be viewed as a mom…Nothing more, nothing less.
OT- I also find it odd that there are no college scholarships for minorities, if the child is Asian. Even though Chinese Americans were used to build the rail roads, and “kept” as slave labor, and Japanese Americans were segregated and put in to camps during WW2, there are no minority scholarships for Asians, as there are for AA’s or Hispanics. I guess that just shows that most Americans do not view Asians as a minority, even though they are more a minority than Hispanics or AA’s in the US…either that, or Asians do not blame their present circumstances on their ancestors past. Or a combo of both. Does a race (on the whole) need to be needy to be included as a racial minority?
November 19th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Windthrow is right, we definitely encountered many, many more completely boneheaded comments about our Ethiopian adoption than we ever did about our Chinese adoption. We were pretty floored by the extent of it all actually since we live in the most multicultural city in the world. Probably the most hurtful experiences took place at a dinner party and were dished out by a number of people with graduate degrees (Jackie, if you’re reading this thread, it actually happened in your ‘hood… I can definitely tell you whose children you shouldn’t be hanging out with).
DH and I hadn’t buried our heads in the sand. We had thought, read and talked A LOT about transracial adoption. It was the places where, and the people who, we’ve encountered what is clearly racism that has been the surprise. It is the fact that this has come from pretty liberal people who seem to live self-examined lives that has taken us aback.
But I’m glad we’ve experienced this. It’s given us a bit more insight into white privilege and ingrained racism. And I’m glad we’ve had a taste of it before our daughter has arrived home. It gives us a better sense of what she will face in her life and we are doing our best to educate ourselves even more in order to help her develop a strong self-identity.
November 19th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
I think we have to raise our kids with the resources (psychological and otherwise) to deal with racism because they are definitely going to be confronted with it. Perhaps not constantly, but it is definitely going to be there. Not that there is any perfect way of dealing with racism especially when it occurs in forms more diverse than we can even imagine. But we have to raise strong kids to the extent that we can. I think giving them the opportunity to know other internationally adopted and transracially adopted kids should be helpful.
November 19th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Roland Martin is an idiot; I refuse to dignify his comments with a response. LID 19 Dec 05–Almost there!!
November 19th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Lookingtochina, I just want to echo everything you said.
Bottom line, I don’t think a person can ever look at another person’s choices and make a qualitative judgment about what’s motivating that person to make those choices. For outsiders to view us in the IA community and say, “Oh, they’re doing this because they are (fill in the blank)” makes no sense because they don’t know us and haven’t taken the time to listen to our side of the story. It’s arrogant to assume that you can understand another person’s motives.
Another bottom line: The foster care and DA programs in this country are broken, and sadly, many potential domestic adoptive parents have been driven away by the problems–us included.
November 19th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
I had thought about adoption for many years before I started the process. In the back of my head there was always the story a couple who were friends of my mom. They had lost their only child in a drunk driving accident and they decided to become foster parents. They contacted a very well respected, well known agency on Long Island . The agency placed a little African American boy with this couple. They fell completely in love with this little guy and contacted the agency to adopt him. The agency said that’s terrific. Two weeks after they contacted the agency the social worker showed up at their door with no warning saying that a relative had come forward and wanted to raise John. They later found out that a relative hadn’t come forward, it was all a lie. That little guy was placed back in the foster care system. The agency was okay with foster parents who were a different race but wouldn’t allow an african american child to be adopted by a white couple. In the back of my mind I always have that story and although I hate to say it a part of what drew me to China was the idea that the adoption is final in China.
November 19th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Frannysmom said: I think we have to raise our kids with the resources (psychological and otherwise) to deal with racism because they are definitely going to be confronted with it.
I know it. My girl is so sensative. I am dreading it. She will be so crushed. Any idea of how to prepare her for it?
November 19th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
I have to add this comment even though it may not be popular.
Racism is systemic. What this means is that it’s ingrained and an inherent feature of our societies and the people found within them. It’s not something that we necessarily choose to engage or participate in … rather, racism is a part of everyone whether or not we choose to name it - itself a privilege.
Awhile back I came across this blog post that I think might add substantially to increasing our understanding of the subtleties of racism
http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/weblog/racism/index.html
It’s a long read but an important one for any adoptive parent.
November 19th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
wewait-I agree that racism is systemic and deeply embedded in the fabric of many societies (unfortunately!). But I always worry that saying that it’s systemic (or as you say, that it’s not something we necessarily choose but is a part of everyone) makes it sound like individuals are powerless to rid their perspectives of racism…it sounds like we’re all doomed to be racists, no matter how our perspectives may change or evolve over time. Maybe I’m too much of an optimist but I’d like to think that one can achieve a perspective that is not racist. It’s probably a deeply philosophical discussion about whether someone can be truly color blind but I’d like to think it’s possible…otherwise, what a sad world we have…
btw, thanks for the link to the blog. I look forward to reading the perspectives offered there.
November 19th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
the State social worker I met the first time for adoption
discouraged me telling me that it would be impossible for me
to adopt a baby, if I wanted an infant i should adopt internationally,why don’t you be a foster parent?
the thought of having a child then people coming over and taking my baby away…i’m not too sure if i’d be that free to
make an emotional investment like that.
being Born in Mexico people can’t say anything that I don’t know about racism.
I am one selfish woman that wants to nuture a baby.
i have my reasons for choosing China.
when a lady in her 80’s on the news was asked something about happenings in her neighborhood: at night I come home,
close the door and let the world continiue to turn!
I thought to myself :this old lady knows best!
people are entitled to their opinion and I will make sure my
child is raised to know the good , the bad , the ugly and
let her have her own choice in this crazy world of ours,
and be happy to know that at the end of the day she has a home that she can close the doors and get good night sleep
with her Mexicaneese mom!
as for everyhing else let the world keep turning!
=) =D
November 19th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
I’m sure that some people would find our thought process racist. I don’t really care!
We chose international adoption over domestic for logistical reasons - process, reliability, potential for disruption, closed vs open. Any “race” can be had in international adoption, so that really wasn’t an issue.
We weren’t really comfortable with the places from which we could get a baby which “looked like us”.
So we were left with were were going to adopt internationally and the child would be a different race. At that point, “logistics” still had some bearing (as I really was bothered by how in some countries you go and see the child and then LEAVE THEM THERE and go home!! I didn’t think I could do that.)
But the main reason we chose China is that there IS a very strong Chinese-American population where we live (north of Los Angeles). We have Chinese and Chinese-American friends. We are comfortable with the culture and raising a child to appreciate both cultures. We have the local FCC. We felt a *Chinese-American child* - given where we live, what we do for a living, the support of our community, etc - would be more comfortable and have more role models and more support than a child of a different race.
We felt like our situation specifically had something to offer a child adopted from China. We did not feel like a child of another race would have the same advantages.
So does that make us racist?
November 19th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Why no scholarships for Asian Americans? As an Asian American (half) I can tell you it is because we are told that Asians are OVER represented in every aspect of higher education. Asian families worship higher education and promote it as one of the only ways to get ahead in this society.
November 19th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Just an aside but my wife is a dark skinned Filipina and I am white. Turns out our adopted daughter is a light skinned Chinese girl with big almond shaped eyes. We have not had a single person ask us if she is adopted. In fact some people are surprised she is not our birth daughter.
November 19th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
I am a social worker (ducking). I work with pregnant women in all stages of pregnancy. I work with women who are victims of domestic violence, pregnant by their abuser, I work with pregnant teens. I work with women deciding what to do (place for adoption, abortion if option, parenting) 9 of 10 times, patients who say they will place for adoption end up changing their minds, even with ongoing counseling, in spite of difficult circumstances. I have had to, in my job, remove a child from the arms of her crying, upset, mother and place the baby with children’s services (which was better yes but…) My patients are all races in the rainbow. I went into adoption knowing what domestic adoption held. DH and I strongly considered it, (it took us three years from the first info session to when we were DTC) we previously lived in a much more liberal state and my old boss had adopted from foster care and had a wonderful experience. We looked, we pondered, we spoke to adoptive parents, we looked at international adoption. We did not care if our child was black, blue, white, or purple, we wanted to be parents. We did not want to be held hostage by a family who did not want the child to be adopted out, we did not want someone showing up years later saying they lied on the birth certificate about the FOB (father of baby) We did not want that. We knowing chose international adoption and then chose China. We knowingly chose the unkowns, which our family will have to deal with at some point.
Off to shop for Thanksgiving.
JEBMBC
waiting for DD#2
November 19th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
I am a music teacher. My husband is a basketball coach. We chose to adopt a little girl from China. I have heard so many times how “appropriate” that I chose a Chinese child, since she will undoubtedly be a great musician. Had we adopted an AA baby boy - what do you think we would have heard? I can only hope and pray that my Chinese daughter grows up to be a basketball star - maybe that will stop some of the stupid comments!
November 19th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
With a LID of March 15, 2006, my husband and I decided to adopt an African American baby during the wait. We originally went with China because it seemed safe; we were worried about the suspense and rejection cycle that domestic adoption seemed to breed. However, each state has its own adoption laws, and in our state (Indiana), our baby boy was ours once the mother signed the papers. It was over. For good. Now that I watch my son and his birthmother interact, I am very sad for my daughter from China. She will never have that same chance, and it makes me already ache for her. Domestic adoption gets a faulty rap in the country, and I believed every bad story and every risk story before we jumped in. The African American adoption community is very different, and the stories of risk and babies being returned simply are not as prevalant. We had our son in two months, and there was even a baby before that just left at the hospital, papers already signed. So, if you’re thinking of adopting an African American child, a lot of the scary domestic adoption horror cases don’t apply. Just my two cents.
November 19th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
I tried to adopt a baby(newborn) here in the USA. The mother had the baby, we signed the paper work, I was a Dad for a day, then the next day she changed her mind, I had to give her back. Worst day of my life.
Now in 8 days I’m going to China to get my baby boy.
November 19th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Whenever I hear judgement about IA, I respond with the same message: Would you ever think to apply that same judgement to someone choosing to have a child by way of pregnancy? Would you ever judge a pregnant non-AA woman as racist for neglecting the thousands of AA children in America who don’t have mothers and fathers? Would you ever accuse any pregnant woman of neglecting her duty as an American by selfishly wanting a child related by blood, rather than adopting domestically? Bottom line: Adoption is not charity. And it’s not buying an American-made vs. foreign car. It’s as deeply personal as decisions get. And unless someone comments in a genuinely caring way, I don’t even like to dignify it with an explanation of our process. I prefer to shame them for judging me! : )
November 19th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
dmp, I am so sorry for your loss. Your situation is exactly the reason why I never for a second considered domestic adoption.
Congratulations on becoming a PERMANENT Dad in 8 days!
Erica
November 19th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
wewait — Thanks so much for your post. I should have qualified what I said to say that we weren’t surprised that left-leaning, uber-educated people would harbour some racist attitudes, but what surprised us is that they would so casually and unthinkingly say things that were so hurtful.
Part of our thinking process has been thinking about where we ourselves fall down. Thinking about attitudes that we ourselves have. Just because we’re adopting a child from Ethiopia doesn’t give us some special racism “get out of jail free card”.
I do indeed think that systemic racism exists. I don’t think that by saying it, it means that we can’t change some of our own attitudes, lilysmom2be. I think some good hard thinking about issues of race is a really good first step though. But I know I can never have the life experience of a person of colour to back up my opinions with and for that reason, I can never totally understand racism and white privilege.
November 19th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
RQ, with regard to your suggested argument for international vs. US domestic adoption (Chinese vs. AA), how would you respond to the counter argument that the actual occurence of post placement revocations is actually statistically rare? If I understand you correctly, you’re saying you would not feel comfortable giving 100% of your emotions to a child adopted domestically due to the risk of post placement revocation, but the chances of losing a child to accident or disease are greater than the chances of losing a child to post placement revocation.
November 19th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
I have also had the experience of feeling a greater openness towards myself and my husband by AA persons. I find this to be one of the least expected and most enjoyable discoveries (involving people’s reactions) connected to adopting our daughter and waiting daughter from China!
babysister
November 19th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
I went into international adoption for all the reasons that have been articulated by other posters. Basically, I was not comfortable with the risks of domestic adoption.
Once I decided to go international, I sorted through the decisions as an individual. After all, everyone is different.
I started out three years ago by enrolling in a Russia adoption program. Because I have a bio child (then 5, now nearly 8) I felt it would be a little easier on us, a little more seamless, if there wasn’t a visible difference between family members. As time went on, however, the latter consideration became much less important to me.
What considerations DID matter? One was gender. I really WANTED a boy, but gradually began to feel another girl would be much easier for our family, because I have a daughter and am a single mother. Eventually, I pulled out the Russia program because of several reasons:
a) a requirement that we travel “blind” (no info whatsoever on the child, which I found scary)
b) the realization that we would absolutely be expected to have a boy, and that might be pretty hard for us
c) expense, which has grown to $30-40k
d) political uncertainty seemed to be destabilizing the program.
After 18 months of thinking and researching, my heart led me to China. I considered literally every option, but I felt China was for us for many reasons.
a) Large local Asian population, so there would be many role models.
b) I have personal adult friends who are Chinese.
c) I know many people who have adopted from China.
d) more manageable costs, and the ability to spread them out a little more (I wasn’t figuring on FOUR YEARS,though!!!)
e) My daughter, for whatever reason, has long been enamored of everything Chinese.
Since I made the decision to adopt from China, our local elementary school has launched a Mandarin-language program for grades 1-6. That really made me feel like I had made the right choice.
I have an uncle who is biracial (African-American/Caucasian) and his kids have also married others of mixed ancestry, and a cousin who was adopted from Vietnam, so I really don’t feel any discomfort on the racial front.
My bottom line on this thread is: Judge Not.
November 19th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
We decided to adopt from China because there are thousands of children without homes and some are dying waiting. Abandonment is devastating. In the US, couples are competing for the birth moms attention. There are so many who want to adopt with limited amount of babies. We felt there are so many babies that need a home in China that race never came into play.
November 19th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Wewait- you are completely right, IMHO. Racsim is embedded in American society and while maybe we don’t have the obvious KKK cross burning type of racism that we did, we still have the lock your door when an AA youth walks by, passed over for a job, didn’t get the apartment type of racism. I have taught anti-racism/diversity education for over 10 years and these are the 2 analogies I like to use to try to get people to understand. One is that racsim is like smog. You didn’t create the smog, but you are breathing it every day so like it or not, you are getting the pollution in you. It is unavoidable- by nature of living in a racist society you are internalizing racist beliefs. That doesn’t mean you have to accept it and do nothing to change it. Which leads to the other analogy. Imagine you are on a moving walkway towards “racism” There will be the active racists who will be walking along the pathway to get to the end faster. If you do nothing you will be carried to racism by the walkway (society) whether you wanted to go or not. You must turn around and walk to other way and do it at a pace faster than the walkway is moving to avoid ending up in racism. In other words you must be ACTIVELY anti-racist. It is not enough to just not engage in prejudicial acts or to be color blind. You must actively fight the stereotypes. Every white American should read Peggy MacIntosh’s article about White Wewait- you are completely right, IMHO. Racsim is embedded in American society and while maybe we don’t have the obvious KKK cross burning type of racism that we did, we still have the lock your door when an AA youth walks by, passed over for a job, didn’t get the apartment type of racism. I have taught anti-racism/diversity education for over 10 years and these are the 2 analogies I like to use to try to get people to understand. One is that racism is like smog. You didn’t create the smog, but you are breathing it every day so like it or not, you are getting the pollution in you. It is unavoidable- by nature of living in a racist society you are internalizing racist beliefs. However, that doesn’t mean you have to accept it and do nothing to change it. Which leads to the other analogy. Imagine you are on a moving walkway towards “racism” There will be the active racists who will be walking along the pathway to get to the end faster. If you do nothing you will be carried to racism by the walkway (society) whether you wanted to go or not. You must turn around and walk to other way and do it at a pace faster than the walkway is moving to avoid ending up in racism. In other words you must be ACTIVELY anti-racist. It is not enough to just not engage in prejudicial acts or to be color blind. Every white American should read Peggy MacIntosh’s article about White Privilege. It is not an easy read for White Americans of good conscience- it is hare to realize that we get certain privileges and benefits based solely on our race. We did not ask for them, or earn them and we may not even want them- but we have them. And racism in America is based on a color scale and the darker you are the more racism you will experience. There is a huge difference between raising a Black child and an Asian child in the US. I highly recommend anyone thinking of adopting AA read “Loving Across the Color Line†to get an idea of the racism that AA individuals experience on a daily basis. If you are White, until you love someone AA, I don’t think that you can conceptualize how insidious and prevalent racism still is in society. Does that mean it can’t or won’t change? Time will tell- I personally hope for a better world for both my Chinese daughter as well as for the Ethiopian daughter I am paperchasing. I hope this makes sense- this is an issue I am passionate about and I am having a hard time getting all my thoughts out here in a coherent fashion.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:34 am
This just another slap from people who judge our decisions without any information. Living in Canada I have experienced similar types of comments in regards to “why wouldn’t you adopt a native indian baby”, with equally crass comments like they are a dime a dozen. So I inform them that our provincial government will not place an aboriginal/native american baby into a causasion home. Based on their experiences there have been too many issues so they don’t do it. I can’t judge their policies, they are what they are and I have to live by them. I usually get a stunned answer like, “oh” followed by the unresearched rant about how many “unwanted” aboriginal babies there are.
As for an african american baby, we looked into it, and it’s prohibatively costly and uncertain for us in our part of Canada.
I find it distasteful that people feel they have a right to jump to conclusions on how we will be building our family. I think most here would agree that this is not the easy way for sure. I know our journey (like many others) started with the heartbreaking trek through the land of infertility. Although we have tons to offer a child, we were not prepared to enter into an arena of competition for a baby, only to go through more possible heartache. So for us we needed some thing we could be relatively certain would happen. I know now that in IA nothing is certain, until you are home with your baby.
It’s these types of garbage media stories that scare me, because no one knows what the impact could be on future IA.
November 20th, 2007 at 3:14 am
I was raised in a multiracial family, Three bio sibs and 2 brothers who are black and South American Indian/Spanish. My two sister and I all have an adopted son and daughters from China. I can’t speak for my sisters but my husband and I choose China because it was relatively easy and because of the good health of the children, not because we don’t like certain other races…Personally I don’t respect those racists who say such things and so I don’t much care what they think.
November 20th, 2007 at 8:27 am
The one question and comment that bothers me almost as much as “when are you getting the baby” is “why not adopt a child from the United States?” then they continue to say… “There is plenty kids and babies here that need a home.” I have the same feelings as Rumor Queen. My heart could not handle biological parents taking the child that I fell in love with the moment I saw the child or the child’s picture.
November 20th, 2007 at 8:40 am
Hikinglorax — Thank you for your great post — I think you definitely covered off an issue that you are passionate about in a very coherent fashion.
Thanks as well for sharing those analogies and book references.
Christy
November 20th, 2007 at 9:15 am
My cousins were foster parents to a newborn African-American boy. When he hadn’t been adopted 7 months later the social workers/agency wanted to move him to another foster home because they felt my cousins and the baby were all getting “too attached” to each other. My cousins said they wanted to adopt him and they were told they couldn’t because they were white. At this point they had to sue and it cost them a fortune and countless sleepless nights. In the end, the judge decided that their son was theirs and they have raised him with love and have gone on to adopt 2 more AA children. I knew I could never go through something like this. I also wrote a paper in college about China’s one child policy and ever since then I had been drawn to the children of China and I felt I would adopt from there one day. She is home now and definitely our daughter in every way. It is nobody’s business how we came about our decision, but sometimes I do feel I have to explain ourselves. I hate that I feel that way. Having said this…most people we meet are so excited and supportive. It is very rare that someone is nasty. Plus, all of those times were before she was home. So far, no one has been ugly enough to say anything to us about her since she has been home. I pity the person who does. They may get quite an earful!
November 20th, 2007 at 9:50 am
May’s Mom -
I know what you mean. We want to protect our children from any kind of hurt or riticule that others may bestow on them. But, let’s face it, we can’t.
All kids, or adults for that matter, are going to have something that people can criticize, question or disagree with. I believe that it’s our role as parents to teach our kids that it’s okay, that others can criticize, question and disagree with them all day long, and it doesn’t matter. What matters is how they feel about themselves, what their core is made of and what they know to be true. It also helps to have a sense of humor. As I tell my daughter, if the worst thing people can come up with about you is a stereotype that you’re good at math (which, ironically, she is), you’re actually doing pretty good.
Just remember, all kids have something. If it’s not their race, it’s their weight, height, color of their hair or whatever that makes them different, and the other kids WILL call them on it. Just teach her to believe in herself, surround herself with people who love and respect her, and the other stuff really won’t matter as much.
November 20th, 2007 at 10:29 am
The Roland Martins of the world can, as far as I’m concerned, stick it where the sun don’t shine. Most of the “Why not foster care?” questions I get are from people who aren’t overtly racist. They are just confused, especially when they see all the pain I go through with this endless China adoption. I wrote this for people who want the “whole story” of why we didn’t adopt from foster care:
http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22095/37590-adopting-foster-care-harder
Patti
Celia: First Birthday Today!
LID: 3/21/06
November 20th, 2007 at 11:07 am
My daughter Lourdes has been home for 2 months. I’ve been shocked at the kind of reactions we’re getting. The “you are saints” reaction I expected, and I gloss over that when it comes up. I don’t deny it vociferously, because I do feel that that world would be a better place if more orphans were adopted, so I’m not going to downplay the virtue of adoption. But people are a little shocked at her appearance, in this non-asian area. I get many comments about her nose (non-existent), her eyes (very slanted and deeply imbedded), her face being flat. Yes, she looks very different from caucasians. Several comments from little children “what’s wrong with the baby’s eyes?”
And then the good student comments, good musician, etc. A lot to live up to for my little Luli.
And I think all of us need to be aware that affirmative action works out to discrimination against Asians, and our children will suffer for it. To get into many colleges, and Asian has to do several times better on tests than a black applicant and significantly better than hispanics and whites. So racism cuts both ways, even for races viewed positively, like Asians. (as a hispanic, affirmative action worked great for me. )
November 20th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Outstanding article, Pattighez! I’m going to keep it, and recommend it to my friends.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
I agree with all the other posters!!!! I wasn’t going to
post this here, but in the forum!!! But it’s just fitting
My DH, DD and I are having to spend Thanksgiving
elsewhere because of my Sister N Laws Father has
made some of the most horrifying comments to us!
1) She doesn’t look Chinese are you sure they gave
You a Chinese baby? I am sure she is Korean
2) Why would you want to adopt a Chi– from
China When you can get a healthy Russian
Baby?
3) My Sister N Law’ Sister was asked in front
of DH when are you going to have a baby
If I want one I will go buy one!!!!
4) Before we left for China the SIL Dad came up
to me and said trying to be funny in a Chinese
type voice ” Oh you speak a Chinese ”
5) At their home for SIL Mother birthday he said
In front of the crowd, did you go in to a room
and just pick her out?? DH said to him this was
Not a pet store situation!!!
I am very sad that my DD first Thanksgiving cannot
be spent with my family because, these ignorant people
were invited last year!!!! I love my little girl so much
And this is just killing me, that I have to worry about
People like this and now Xmas is comming. We have
already told my folks that we will not be around them
for Xmas. Everyone in my family is trying to please my
Brother’s family, but DH and I have decided to take a
stance!!!!!
P.S. I had a friend who adopted from the US
And had her baby home for a few months and
then the birth-Father came in the picture and
their Son went to him!!!!
I am so honored that China gives us all the opportunity
To bring home a child that fits so wonderfully into our
Family’s.
RQ, Thanks for putting this out there!!!!!!!
Have a wonderful Holiday!!!!
LBIN
November 20th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
RQ is right, and very thoughtful in her discussion of the issues–especially on the difficulties in adopting domestically.
However, I have to say from looking at the transcript that I don’t think Martin and Maldonado are too far off base either.
The “China Doll” stereotype does exist, both in our community and outside as well. I’m sure that everyone here has experienced it, whether they realize it or not. Is it a motivating factor in our decisions to adopt? Anyone who reflexively says no way is suspect, I would think.
Perhaps CNN would have been better served if they had a parent with a Chinese daughter on to either rebut these points or confirm that bigotry exists for all skin colors.
We should be a little more thoughtful and introspective in our responses and not just kneecap anyone who talks about race just because our toes got stepped on.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Klotzian wrote:
>
As the mom of a 7-year old Chinese son, who is as far from the China Doll stereotype as it’s possible to get, I can safely say that the China Doll stereotype was *not* a motivating factor in our decision to adopt our son. For us, it was the travel emails (this was in the days before blogs) from family friend/single Dad who adopted his infant *son* from China in 1996.
UUMom
November 20th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
You hit the nail on the head for me. After a short time of infertility, 1.5 years, I didn’t even want to consider adoption. That’s because all I really knew was domestic adoption. We even had friends who went through DA with an AA and the mom changed her mind. Fortunatly for them they ended up with the baby with a lot of pain in the mean time. Then I found out about China where if you qualify, you will come home with a baby. That had me sold.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
ok, uumom, makes a good point. Folks who adopted Chinese boys didn’t buy into the China Doll stereotype.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
What turned me off to domestic adoption was when I casually looked on some web sites and saw hundreds and hundreds of parent profiles, each one pleading almost, trying to convince an unknown reader that they were the best parents to parent their baby. It was so heart-wrenching. I felt like I was in some sort of competition.
I know I can be a good parent. I don’t need someone else’s confirmation of it.
We never seriously looked into domestic adoption.
Hubby and I have been married a long time and just haven’t had kids yet. But in the meantime, we want to be the proud parents of a child who would’ve been the creation of both of us (Caucasian, Filipino and Chinese). It’s that simple. That’s our reason.
If anyone doesn’t agree with our decisions, who gives a flip?
That being said, people who choose to adopt no matter from where don’t have to explain their decisions to anyone. Children need love no matter what color their skin happens to be.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Hi LADYBUGINNEBRASKA, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE UPSET AT THOSE IGNORANT PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY. TELL THEM ALL WERE TO GO AND LOOK INTO DOMESTIC ADOPTION AND ALL THE PROBLEMS WITH IT. I BET NONE OF YOUR SIL’S FAMILY GOES TO CHURCH. ITS THOSE PEOPLE THAT NEED A GOOD TALKING TO. DON’T PUT UP WITH IT.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
I don’t think we are “kneecapping” anyone for talking about race. What got me lathered up is once again for the billionth time being put in the position to have to defend China adoption as a valid way to build a family.
Martin’s quote: “What is the infatuation by Americans and other foreigners when it comes to adopting Chinese children? That is a real issue there, and why do we avoid other children and not just — children who are here in America, who are looking for homes, and who just like Chinese orphans want a nice place to live.”
As someone who tried to adopt from the foster care system and was shut out, this comment chapped my hide to say the least. I am not “infatuated” with Chinese children. I saw China as a program that would let me be a mother.
Patti
Celia (adopted domestically/privately and turning one TODAY!)
LID: 3/21/06
November 20th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Hey PETERK-
Please no comments about church-going, or the lack therein. That really isn’t relevant to the subject at hand.
UUMom
November 20th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
ladybuginnebraska - I hope taking a year off will send a strong message and force them to think.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
When my ds had his surgery in October, our dd went with us to support her brother. His surgeon is South American and does wonderful repair work on children all over the world. I was talking with one of the doctors, he is Chinese, and he said stereotyping really bothers him. He said most of the physicians and surgeons in the hospital we went to were African or African American, and from other countries. He said that just because you are Asian doesn’t automatically make you a genius. I think some people do have the perception that Asian girls are quiet
and ’sweet’. Believe me, my Asian family have very strong women and some of them have caused their parents to go grey very early LOL My cousin is adopted from Vietnam,
my god daughter is from China (and she is no shrinking violet).
I was told by a Chinese lady that I am lucky my ds doesn’t have those ’squinty’ eyes because they are not desirable.
Can you believe that? She said after his nose was corrected (which it was in China, excellent job) he will be
acceptable. He now has a perfect nose, however, I preferred his old nose because it was him, now he looks
different, we are getting use to it. So there is racism everywhere, even within. My stepfamily are Asian, and are
extremely racist amongst their own kind, and do not like
overweight Americans.
November 20th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
hi uumom,sorry , i just got too upset and forgot the rules about religion. i will not mention it again.
November 20th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
klotzian,
I have to disagree with you - I do think they were way off base. Martin professed to ignorance about adoption in general and then proceeded to make the most heinous accusations against those who adopt internationally (specifically, from China). He held preconceived notions with no interest in any discussion that might differ. The followup interview was even worse as he tried to provide some trumped-up justification for his statements (apparently studying at the Bill Clinton School of Equivocating). Maldonado was little better and I am quite suspect of her research. I’ve found that more often than not the “experts” brought in by the networks are so far removed from real life as to be little more than “actors”.
To be honest, I’m a offended by your implication that because adopting a Chinese girl (a boy would totally exonerate me) and being angered by their idiocy makes me some sort of closet biggot just trying to hide my own hate filled heart. We, just like the vast majority of APs, spent a great deal of time soul searching to determine the best path for us and I can assure you that our daughter’s race had nothing to do with the decision.
November 20th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
I think the racism issue is more about ignorance of how adoption works both internationally and domestically. Although the majority of people who know of our adoption plans are very supportive there are the occasional rude comments. I often think about printing up business cards that explain the misconceptions about adoption that prevail:
Misconception number 1: There are thousands of healthy infants, toddlers or small children available for adoption through the state or foster care programs. Actually each state varies, but my husband and I breifly looked into adoption through foster care and found two issues.
~The first being that the programs intention is to reunite foster children with their birth families, not to create adoptive families. Most children are not legally free for adoption as the program always tries to place the child back with the birth mother or relative. As the problems that put the child in care in the first place are often multi generational; the child begins a long dance of in and out of foster care for many years before becoming adoptable.
~Secondly there are lots of foster families looking to adopt; if you think the line for China is long take a look at the foster families wating for young children to become adoptable. Sadly of the chldren who were adoptable many of them had been in and out of foster care the majotity of their lives and most were teenagers. Even sadder were the children with crimnal records for sexual abuse and violence. For people who ask me about this I often ask them to look into the program for themselves, to view the photo listings of availble children and get back to me. I wish healthy AA infants were readily availble; as my DH would say “we would be first in line to take one”
Misconception number two: If American couples would just adopt domestically; American babies would not be found in dumpsters. Unfortunately most babies that are abandoned this way are from mothers who conceled their pregnancy or were in deep denial about it, more states are creating “safe drop sites” to curb this issue. Furthermore our country pays lip service to how “tough” it is to be a single parent and then encourages young woman to keep their babies by romanticising single motherhood in the media. Eventually reality sets in and woman and their children become vulnerable to boyfriends and poverty. I wish we encouraged more mothers that adoption is just as noble as raising the child by yourself; a lot of young woman are not ready for paranthood but for some reason giving the child up to an adoptive family that is; rarely seems to be considered
Misconception number three: Adoptive families can choose to adopt from any country they wish and choose Asian babies for racial reasons. This is the biggest issue, families ae not only limted to those countries who choose to aprticipate in IA but also have to meet those countries requirements. We had basically three choices when we started Russia (horror stories of corruption and ill children), Guatemala (horror stories of corruption and stolen children) or China (happy stories of sucessful adoptions); our descision seemed obvious. Now that Ethiopia seems to have a stable program and Vietnam as well; we are looking at those countries for an intermin adoption. Health and age of the children were are biggest considerations; race was discussed later as in “how do we deal with ignorant people” and “how do we protect are child’s feelings” after we submitted the application. In the Paula Zahn fiasco one of the commenattors mentions that American aren’t rushing off to adopt Iraqi children; does he know about some program no one else is aware of? He also says no one wants to adopt latino children; really? I thought they closed Guatemala down in part do to too many children being adopted to Americans. (see even “news reporters” are ignorant as to how IA works)
Misconception number four: Domestic adoption is cheaper than International; sure if you are sucessful ythe first time. 68% percent of the time the birthmohter changes her mind and is under no obligation to repay housing and medical costs provided to her during her pregnancy. This has even lead to birthmothers stringing along several couples with no intention of giving the child up. Furthermore, there is such a demand for adoptable children that it has become a marketplace of parents “selling” themselves in order to be chosen.
With the latest statistics showing 1 in 6 couples having fertility issues; I wonder how long these misconceptions will continue as more couples turn to adoption to start families. And how long before adoptive parents have enough of a political voice to challenge America’s broken foster care and adoption system.
November 20th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
ARW- I just wanted to mention that some fears are irrational.
You wrote “how would you respond to the counter argument that the actual occurence of post placement revocations is actually statistically rare?”
I feel the same way as others who have posted about becoming parents to then have the child taken away. It may not happen to often, but it happens and it was not a chance I was willing to take.
I’ll offer an anology that fits my life. I know that there is more probable to get into a car accident than to be in an airplane crash, yet I can not explain that to my stomach when I’m flying anywhere:-)
November 20th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
RQ,
I hate to change the subject on this all important topic, but have you heard anything about September 06 getting out of review????????? This is killing me!!!! It’s been 55 days now that we’ve been in review.
Thanks,
Matt
November 20th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Thank you, Rumor Queen, for your excellent post. My husband and I first looked into domestic adoption but since we wanted an older child, we decided that the American system is not the one for us–too many placements and removals and follow-up placements, too many people involved in our family after adoption, no possibility of a preschool aged child since we work, and too much risk involved in losing the child–so we looked for a stable program where the children receive a quality of care that will increase our chances for bonding. Choosing China did not have to do with Chinese children being “cute”, because there was a lot of soul-searching about whether or not we could bond with a child not of our race, and what would happen the first time our child faced racism, which I am certain (100% certain) that he/she will face.
Thank you again.
November 20th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
My favorite friends and family comments…
My dad last Thanksgiving- “If I buy half of Claire, can I keep her half the time?”
My dad last Christmas- Talking to my daughter (bio) about a toy made in China- “Maybe Claire’s mommy made that.”
A friend- I hope she’s not recalled because she’s covered in lead paint.
A Sunday School class member about a SN child we were considering- How can you choose for your child to have a hole in his heart? (I’m almost certain we did not choose the hole in his heart. I’m pretty sure he was going to have that whether we adopted him or not. He actually went to another really awesome family FYI, ASD and all.)
With friends and family like these, who needs enemies?
As a side, my dad will love this baby more than anything once she’s home. He just says moronic things some times.
November 20th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Did not adopt domestically because we were concerned we would be viewed as too old by the birthmom; became clear to us early on that the birthmom’s rights are given more consideration than the adoptive parent’s rights (and perhaps the child’s); didn’t want open adoption or semi-open adoption. But more than anything, we looked internationally at the same time as we looked domestically and both of our hearts were drawn to China over U.S. Sometimes you can’t explain things…you just follow your heart. That is always my answer when asked. But I might add that I don’t feel I need to explain to anyone “why China” any more than any parent should have to explain “why didn’t you adopt?”
November 20th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
firsttimemomlongtimewait… 68% percent of the time the birth mother changes her mind?
November 20th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
In addition to the stupidity we’ve all been discussing, I have been struck by the assumptions and generalizations many people make about adoption (the most common I’ve encountered being that we had fertility issues - i.e. that adoption must be a last resort). I believe there are as many reasons people choose to adopt and where they choose to adopt from as there are people adopting. In fact, I’d like to add to RQs original post, where she said, “the truth for most of us is that we had some formula that consisted of open vs closed, permanence of the adoption, age at adoption, health status (which includes the possibility of things like FAS and prenatal drug exposure), our own feelings about various races, total cost involved (no, we aren’t buying babies, but cost of fees and travel is a factor for those of us who aren’t really really rich), and total risk.”
I am not a religious person, but one thing my faith-based adoption agency said that resounded with me is that you should go with your calling. For me, I didn’t choose China, it chose me. Many years ago, before I was married, before I thought about having children, before there was even a China IA program. When I met my husband almost 20 years ago, I told him I wanted to adopt a girl from China someday. I/we never considered adopting from anywhere else. Never researched or even considered adopting a white child, a black child, a boy, or domestic or other international adoption of any kind. Had we not adopted a girl from China, we would not have adopted at all.
Bottom line for me… in a world where an ever-increasing carbon-producing population chases ever-shrinking resources, the balance of humanity gets closer to restoration every time a loving family adopts rather than produces a child. No matter where a child comes from or what his/her race might be.
One last thought… I am Jewish. My husband is Catholic. Certain aspects of my family’s life would certainly have been easier had I married a “nice Jewish boy.” And I have to acknowledge that things would have been even tougher had I married outside my race. I don’t think that makes me a racist - just perhaps too lazy to want to overcome more prejudice and cultural differences than we already face in a multi-denominational, multi-racial family. With a blond-haired, blue-eyed bio son and our adopted Chinese daughter, we deal with staring and assumptions wherever we go. It’s not easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It works for us. Find what works for you.
November 20th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Hikinglorax - I’m with ChristyCanuck here … you make some great comments and offer some very useful analogies.
lilysmom2b - I agree with you that if we actively resist racial stereotypes (and we have been given a unique opportunity as we negotiate multi-racial families) then we can work to changing dominant, stereotypical ideas about all races.
We’d also probably do well to remember that ‘White’ brings with it all sorts of privileges as you mention Hikinglorax. Perhaps it would be useful to talk about these …
November 20th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
I feel the need to weigh in for the very first time — thanks for the opportunity to speak out about this, RQ.
My husband and I have an LID of 6/23/06. We decided back in the spring that we would become foster parents while we wait for our daughter, and we also decided we would adopt the child(ren) we foster if given the opportunity. We finished up everything we needed to do on our end back in June to become licensed foster parents, and nearly 6 months later we still have not received our license from the county. I can’t tell you how many things we’ve been told that have turned out to be inaccurate and how many times we’ve been disappointed. We’re beginning to feel that if we can’t even rely on a system that desperately needs more foster families to license us (it seems we’ve literally been lost by the paperwork process), how can we rely on this system to take care of the interests of a single child.
Just last night I learned that a couple in our county had a child taken from them that they had been fostering for the last year. The court decided to return the child to the birth mother, who abandoned him in a restaurant bathroom a year ago when he was just a newborn. What’s worse is that this isn’t the first time she’s done this. Several years ago she also abandoned her twins, who were later adopted. Again, how can we trust this system?
We so wanted to believe in and support the foster care system. We knew the risks involved - of coming to love a child that might return to the birth family, of being ridiculed by people opposed to Caucasians adopting biracial and African American children, of parenting a child addicted to drugs at birth, and so many other unknowns. Despite all of this, we believed in the rewards of fostering and the possibility of bringing our first child home forever - and we were excited about the possibility of celebrating more racial and cultural diversity in our family. We even supported the notion that a child should be reunited with the birth family if the family was doing everything they could to bring their child back home….but for a mother who has a history of abandoning children to be reunited with a child she doesn’t even know and who doesn’t know her is beyond my comprehension.
At this point, we are completely on the fence about whether to proceed with fostering - we are desperately ready to become parents, yet we are so afra