Book Review: Must Read Attachment books
I believe all three of these books are an important part of understanding attachment in a way that helps us to foster attachment and to recognize red flags for what they are instead of trying to explain them away.
I cannot stress enough how important I believe these three books are. I will be talking about the sensory books later and those sensory books can probably wait to be read “if you actually need them”. But the attachment books can not wait to be read “if you need them”. These attachment books should be considered a “must read” before you get your child. You need to understand what is in these books when your child is placed in your arms.
Understand that these books often give worst case scenarios that can seem pretty scary, but that even if your child exhibits only one tenth of those examples you still need to understand what went wrong in brain development to cause these behaviors and what to do in order to help your child move in the direction of healthy attachment.
In our house I”m the reader. RK doesn’t really sit down and read books like I do. So we talk about a book as I’m reading it, and I can say “here, you need to read this chapter”, and he will. And that works well for us, especially since we both traveled. When I saw a red flag I told him it was a red flag and why I believed it to be a red flag and he pretty much took my word for it and my memory of what we should do. However, had we been one of those families where he traveled and I stayed home then I’d have probably insisted that he read the books himself.
What I’m trying to say is that in my opinion at least one person who travels should have read these books shortly before you travel so they are still fresh in your mind.
And then once you are home I think reading through them again after four or five months home can also be an eye opening experience.
Most people (including me at one time) think that you only need the Toddler Adoption Book if you are adopting an older child. When we adopted GlitterGirl (who was very very young at adoption) I read Attaching in Adoption but did not read Toddler Adoption. Jump forward many years and the weekend after we got our referral for TwinkleToes I ordered the Toddler Adoption book and as soon as it arrived I dove into it. As I was reading it I realized there were some things in this book that would have greatly helped us to deal with GlitterGirl’s anxious attachment. This book is a wealth of information and practical ideas even if you are referred a very young baby.
Let me say this one more time: These books should be read before you travel. Attachment is more quickly formed during periods of stress. Those first weeks with your baby or child are incredibly stressful. You can either help form attachment during that time, or you can cause damage to any future attachment that might occur. And this is not something that is intuitive, some attachment activities are counter-intuitive until you understand the reason for them. For some kids, to get them to attach in a healthy way, you literally have to rewire their brain. You can’t do that just by loving them with all of your heart. It helps, but that alone won’t do it. So arm yourself with knowledge before you go. I have never met anyone who read attachment books before traveling who later said it was a waste of time. I’ve met families who have children with no major attachment issues, but even those families say that reading about attachment helped them in those first days and weeks.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Thank you RQ. I’ve seen these books and filed away that I should read them at some point, but having such an avid reader tell me that it is something that I absolutley need to do…. I’m going to order from Amazon ASAP, even though we are quite a while from our referral.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Thank you RQ for emphasizing the importance of these books and reading them beforehand. Several people in our travel group should have read them prior to travel. Their behavior toward their child had me very concerned. At one point, I wanted to shake one of the parents due to their response (or rather, lack of response) toward their child. They were focusing on getting their child to smile, when in reality there were much more important things for them to focus on with their child. It truly was disturbing.
I also love Toddler Adoption and Attaching in Adoption. In fact, I copied several pages from Attaching Adoption (the tools/techniques/signs pages) and took them with us to give us ideas on how to help facilitate attachment. We have had no problems, but I sure was glad I had them with me to be able to “assess” what we needed to be doing while in China.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:28 am
RQ - Thank you so much! We have been looking for some good books to read. We have a few our agency suggested, but it’s always nice to get referrals from BTDT parents.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
We read those books before our adoption and I would highly recommend them, especially owning a personal copy of Adoption Parenting- it is a life long resource. Another place to read or download great articles is http://www.emkpress.com/ugdownload.html (EMK Press- Parent Resources section)
June 24th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I would also add “The Connected Child” By Dr. Karen Purvis.
It is a small book but poweful book!
June 24th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Attaching in Adoption was our “bible” for the first 6 months home. I liked how easy it was to have the check lists to quickly assess where we were at and where we needed to be heading.
Toddler Adoption was a good read and had some good information as well. I had MIL read that before going with us to China.
I haven’t read Nurturing Adoptions but heard it’s a good read as well.
Rhonda
June 24th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I have the first two books and have been waiting for summer to enroll in classes with Adoption Learning Partners (they are on-line courses). Here is a very link to their site: http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/
Classes include:
- Conspicuous Families
- Let’s Talk Adoption
- The Journey of Attachment
- Finding the Missing Pieces
- Adopting the Older Child
- Medical Issues
- With Eyes Wide Open
- Child’s Best Advocate
- Lifebooks
- Adoption Tax Credit
- Foster Family to Forever
June 24th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I agree…all 3 were read before we travelled. I took Toddler Adoption and Attaching in Adoption with us and re-read part of each while in China. Our son was so atypical (in the way that he was the non-grieving, sleep through the night, easy going kid) that we haven’t really needed to go to extremes, but it helped more than I can express, just to have a “primer” with these books. We’ve applied so much of what we learned in those two books since coming home 7 months ago and I can’t imagine having NOT read at least Toddler Adoption before meeting our son.
I have to say that I have the Adoption Parenting Toolkit, but don’t like it much. I should give it another look just in case I’m ready to absorb it now.
I also highly recommend The Waiting Child. Even for NSN families, I think it is a great book for understanding the environment all of our kids come from (even the littles or those in foster care).
June 25th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I will pick these up right away! Thanks RQ for your suggestions and everyone else, too. Does anyone have any suggestions for grandparents to read? My mom and dad may need something to help them out when they have our children with them, such as attaching themselves to an adoptive grandchild and how to handle questions/comments from strangers, etc.
LID 1/25/06!!!