And now it is July
I haven’t decided on a theme for this month. Last month was Book Review month, and I figure that in August we can talk about how the media is handling the Olympics. And maybe even talk about the games some.
But what about July?
The next few days will likely have posts about rumors. At least I hope we start getting some decent rumors.
And then we’ll have a few days of Babies! posts and then analysis to do. But then what?
Someone had mentioned guest bloggers a while back. I have considered asking some of the adult adoptees who blog, to see if they would be interested in visiting us and talking to us. Kind of a “if you had a chance to talk to us, a chance to have at least some of us actually listen without getting defensive, what would you say?” kind of thing.
But before I invite anyone to do that, I kind of want to know that you, my readers, would follow basic manners in the comments. Especially rule number one: Be Nice. And most especially since I may not put that same rule on them… I mean, I’ll expect them to use some basic manners, but some of them get their point across rather harshly at times, and I’m not sure it would be my place to try tone that down.
So, what do you think? Hearing what some of them have to say is often not easy. But I think it is important to listen and understand without judging and without getting defensive. Back when I first started reading what some adult adoptees had to say, when I first joined IAT, there were times I felt that I’d just been punched in the gut. But listening to and talking with the adult adoptees helped me see everything from a different perspective, a different viewpoint. It broadened my horizons. And I now realize that they needed broadening.
So, to the wonderful little community we’ve formed — do you want your horizons broadened? Sometimes it can be a bit painful.
And honestly, I don’t know if any of them will want to do it, anyway. But if they do, are ya’ll up to it? Listening with an open mind and open heart?
July 1st, 2008 at 9:59 pm
YES, YES, YES!!
July 1st, 2008 at 10:03 pm
RQ, I think yours is a brilliant idea. You’re right, we have to be ready for anything, and that may be easier if we realize that each experience is very individual and may be coloured by an adoption experience from a time when much less was known about parenting and international adoption. It would be such a unique learning opportunity.
Thanks RQ, for all you do.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I think an honest, albeit harsh, response should be allowed also as long as it is in the vein of honest discussion and is not a personal attack on the guest or another poster. It would make for thought provoking reading and would present all sides of the issue. It would have to be set at a limit of no personal attacks but everything else goes IMHO
AW
July 1st, 2008 at 10:09 pm
YES! YES! YES!
I think that that would be absolutely wonderful.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Hey a little dose of reality is good for the soul ! Parenting an adopted child isn’t always a bed of roses…….. gee, I wish that I could say something regarding parenting from experience……… and not just hearsay…….. :) Just passed our 28 month lid-versary……. excuuuuuse me, still getting over the shock, THAT WE’RE STILL WAITING….
Actually, I’m pretty good about this, I’ve finally settled in.
Figure it’s now coming sooner, than later, and there is SO MUCH TO DO !!!!! VBG
Truely, this sounds like a great plan…….
July 1st, 2008 at 10:34 pm
I think this is a good idea and will help us all learn something.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I am up for it, what a great idea.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Great idea RQ….Like Pink Punch says, I am up for it too
July 1st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
What a fantastic idea…..I’ll be nice!!!!
July 1st, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Yes!!! It may be hard but important to hear. Great idea and I hope we get some wonderful, thought provoking posts. Thanks RQ!!!
July 1st, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Well here is my .02. I like the idea of the topic but I do not agree with exempting or lessening the rule of being nice for the guest. Certainly people can get their point, their pain their perspective and opinions across while still being nice and respectful. I welcome all honest and painful discussions as long as they are nice and respectful. The adoption triad is emotional for all. Discussing perspectives is healthy and I think it could be helpful when kept in a respectful manner. I would not want to engage in dialogue and would be turned off if it became an angry and hostile conversation and critical of one part of the triad. Just my .02.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I think it would make for some very informative & educational reading….and certainly, we as recipients should extend the common courtesy of being non-judgemental and kind since we have not been in their shoes. In the same vein, a guest blogger should be truthful but tactful in what they share.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:19 pm
I think it is a wonderful idea. Hey, I’m up for anything that will keep my mind off this wait.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:20 pm
I think this is not only a wonderful idea but a healthy one for all of us who are adopting transracially. As a single white AP, I feel like my daughter already has three strikes against her…(and she is not even out of Pull-ups yet!: She is adopted, she is of a different race than her mother, she is being raised without a father.
WHile I’d like to think that my love, research and determination to overcome these odds will be enough.. but I am not naive as to think this is even a possibility. With each of these, comes a LOT of baggage. I think a discussion of this nature would be very eye-opening and most informative for all of us.
Thanks for even considering it!
Laureen
http://www.babysites.com/sites/laureenmary
July 1st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
I think this is a great idea. I am an adult adoptee, biological mother and adoptive mother and would be happy to contribute to these discussions although I am not an offical blogger.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Yes, this is a great idea.
Go for it.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:23 am
I’d love to hear it. Even though it was long ago, I remember the young adult in my agency’s education film who commented that she would have rather grown up in an orphanage in her home country than in a family in this country. I remember it so clearly because it was such an eye-opener. We can never get complacent and think “my child will be okay with this,” “this parenting situation will never happen to me.” I’m sure willing to be open-minded and to listen, so I can avoid that blind complacency. Thanks, RQ.
~Stacy
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:00 am
I think it is a great idea - even if only one or two decided to give it a go and be guests on this blog it would be a positive thing. The dialogue would be very challenging but I’m sure all in this community would try to be nice and considerate. Who knows? Maybe if the adult adoptee guests felt they were helping us understand how they feel and improving communication in a positive way we could have a special blog page for this permanently. You don’t know where this could lead until you try!
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:27 am
I think having adult adoptees as guest bloggers is a fantastic idea. The truth isn’t always pretty or easy to hear, but as adoptive parents, I think we can all benefit from hearing their perspectives.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:48 am
GO FOR IT RQ!!!…..this is a basically a well-behaved and mature community….I believe we can handle it!!!….thanks…mew
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:05 am
Personally, I think this is a wonderful idea. I would love to hear the views of adult adoptees. It would help us to know what to look forward to when our little ones are growing up. Can’t wait till I have a chance to put it all to good use! COME ON REFERRALS!!!
~~ Jodi ~~ http://www.jodiandtomshaw.com
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:43 am
This is a great idea. It would be great to hear their views and thoughts even if eye-opening. I would welcome this opportunity and I have no doubt everyone will be nice.
Now come on news about referrals and LOAs!
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:08 am
I would love to hear from the adult adoptees. As a parent who is just about to bring a 7 yr. old home, I’ve wrestled with the fact that she may not be as excited to leave everything she’s ever known, as we are to bring her into our family. We need all the education we can possibly get as to how to relate to what our daughter will be facing for the rest of her life.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 am
Good idea. I would love to listen what an adult adoptee has to say and would certainly participate with an open mind. Anything we hear could make us be better adoptive parents.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:30 am
I think this sounds like a good idea. I am constantly amazed at what I have already learned from my 6 year old from China about adoption. I can only imagine what I may learn from an adult. I’d love to hear their point of view! (And we can ask questions too, right?)
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:53 am
A organization in Norway confirm that the cut-off will be 25. January 2006
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:57 am
Great, great idea. I am listening, er, reading.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:15 am
I welcome open and honest discussion but agree with another member that the rules of polite discussion should still apply.
We may all think that we’re polite, but I had a woman from this list write to my blog after the Babies! post in June, block her email so that I couldn’t respond, and suggest that I should be happy with my grandson and not seek an orphan when there are plenty of PAPs out there waiting. I deleted her comment, of course, because it showed her ignorance-our adoption began long before our daughter was even married, let alone pregnant-and there aren’t all kinds of people out there looking for 3-5 year olds, especially boys.
So even our polite group are not that polite at times. I don’t want to hide from the realities of my new child’s background or feelings, but I don’t want to be bashed by a stranger either.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:36 am
I think this is a great idea. YES! YES! YES!
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 am
I think this would be great (if the adult adoptees would want to participate here)!
They have been my best source of learning and my compass as to which direction to take in our adoption journey!
I also feel strongly that we need to just remain quiet and just listen. All too often we a-parents get defensive and it taints the way we interpret their messages. They are the ones that are living the life as an adoptee. Listening is good!
Glad to see you are on IAT RQ. It sure is a priceless forum filled with incredible people!
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
I also think it’s a great idea! I think we get so wrapped up in how long the wait is and how badly we want to bring our children home, that we sometimes lose sight of how all this affects the children. We can learn from these adult adoptees, respect and appreciate their honesty, and try to do our best to prepare our children for a life filled with love and support but also loss and challenges we will never fully understand. I’m ready to hear what they have to say!
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Well I hate to be the fly in the ointment, BUT….. I’m not sure if it’s a great idea. If it is allowed then I would agree with jaclyn’s post above about definately setting guidelines/rules for the blogger.
I don’t know why I disagree with it so much, maybe it’s that I’ve grown to enjoy my time in this community and I don’t want it tarnished. I realize that adopting our daughter will not be a “bed of roses” the entire time, but I believe their will be more good times than bad! I’m not against learning what adoptees go through, but I’d rather read it from an adoption book with several viewpoints and research than from one or two people who might have had it rough while growing up and are ready to tell the world about it.
I would just be careful RQ. You have created an awesome community here and I would hate to see it harmed because of something like this. In the end I think you’ll make the best decision for this board, whatever that might be.
Thanks,
Matt
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
“tarnished… be careful… harmed”?
Wow Matt, I would use the words enlightened, enriched, prepared.
Adult adoptees have the insight that we need to understand adoption in order to move forward with our adoptions in a way that is healthy.
I agree with RQ that it can be a painful journey to listen and learn from AA’s however it is also one that pays off deeply and I am soooo grateful that the AA’s still take the time to share their words and experiences! I would bet that it can be quite painful for them to listen to us at the best of times!!
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:03 am
Well Cathy, that’s why you get to have your own opinion, right? Maybe it would be enlightening or enriching, but I’d rather get the information from someone who can present the AA from several different perspectives. I’m just afraid, based on previous other touchy subjects, that if you invited someone to speak on behalf of the AA’s and you didn’t have any guidelines for them and they do begin to get harsh with some of their comments then yes it could get ugly.
My DW and I have no children as of yet, we are waiting for our LID of 9/20/06 to get here in a hurry. So maybe it’s my fault for not wanting to read comments on this blog from an AA that might start getting into harsh examples of how they were raised, etc… when I don’t even have a child yet!!
And yes, Tarnish - to detract from or spoil. That’s what it would do for me IF someone came on here without the guidelines/rules that we have to follow and began to discuss their experiences. It wouldn’t ruin this RQ blog for me, it would just detract from it a little.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
I have mixed emotions. I’m about to get my referral any day, and ideas which are negative may be hard medicine for me to take right now. I don’t want my joy squelched; not right now anyway.
However, I did once read a blog called “Twice the Rice” and it really opened my eyes to a perspective I hadn’t thought of before. This woman especially had a strong feeling against using that China “ultrasound” picture that so many people use on their adoption blogs. After reading that, I decided against using that in my adoption posts/announcements. So I believe that other perspectives, no matter how difficult to swallow, is really good. I want to prevent anything I can from negatively affecting my daughter and be prepared to help her through her losses that I cannot prevent or change..
I would also be interested in hearing from adoptees about their preference of a name. I’ve heard many scenarios about Chinese/Korean adults not being believed that they are who they are because their last name is not Chinese/Korean. I’ve wondered if we should keep the Chinese name as a middle name just so that they have some identity that a school teacher, doctor’s office, etc. would realize when they call the name that they are looking for an Asian rather than looking right over their head to the white people in the room.
If things get too harsh for to take, we can always just log off, right?
Thanks for listening,
LID 1/25/06!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I think it is a fantastic idea, RQ! Of course, we all know that our children won’t be little for long and WILL grow up and become adult adoptees. Adult adoptee thoughts and blogs are out there - it is just that many (not all, but many) APs choose not to listen to them. Bringing their voices here would be terrific.
Though even the most moderate of adult adoptee bloggers are likely to say something that strikes APs the wrong way.
Finding a way for the adult adoptees to be heard is tricky…even on the forum it is clear that APs don’t want to open their hearts and listen to hard words from adoptees. Gosh knows I’ve felt that backlash, and when my comments have been mild they have been ignored.
This is partly why adult adoptees have that reputation for being angry - but is not always about being angry about our adoption, it is often being angry about not being heard.
And Cathy is very correct in noticing that adult adoptees can often be hurt by listening to APs…I’ve expressed that on the forum and was given a harsh spanking for it. And I’d also expressed it previously on a more private thread…commenting that when PAPs talk about being jealous of pregnant women or avoiding friends and family who are pregnant…well, as an adoptee I hear that as confirmation that biology IS most important and that adoption IS second best (otherwise why would you care if someone else got pregnant? why would it matter? are you really not over the dream of a genetically related child?) I get that there is more to the pregnancy issue than that - but I hear such things through my filter as an adoptee. I think more parents need to know how we adoptees process our lives and experiences - and the parents need to suck it up and put away their defensiveness. JUST LISTEN.
(nobody ever said having children would be easy - this is one of the not so easy parts….)
I might suggest shutting off the comments for the adult adoptee posts….just let the bloggers share their thoughts and let the APs sit with it for some time. (Really, why do people have to constantly ‘comment’ about things anyhow?)Perhaps a commentless post would provide a good exercise in simple listening. And if people feel the need to comment, well , start a topic on the forum…that seems fair enough.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I love this idea!!! Let’s do it!!! I look forward to hearing everything!
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:01 pm
As a person who has never had the opportunity to speak with an adult who was adopted from China, reading the words of an adoptee means a lot to me. I expect some bias - it’s a different perspective than mine. Thicker skin has been my current concern. Help me grow some. Help me learn what hurts so I can help my child avoid it. Help me learn what works so I can help my child experience it.
If the comments are turned off it would be fine with me. IMHO, the discussion should then be moved to the private forum. The blog stays cleaner and there’s no disjointed discussion from blog to forum, blah, blah… not that I’d tell you what to do, RQ : ^ ”
Thanks for every moment you spend with your community.
M…
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I think we need more book reviews of vampire serials.
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:34 pm
This is a great idea.
I agree with the suggests that keeps blog comments off and responses in the private forum. I know as an AP, I need to hear the voices and options of adult adoptees, whatever they have to say within RQs rules, more than they need to hear from me.
I want to listen and learn, not justify my actions and beliefs.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I’m an adult adoptee, a bio mom and an adoptive mom….this would definitely interest me. I would love it if you could find some adult adoptees who can share both positives AND negatives. I know even among those of us who are adopted domestically, we can share vastly different viewpoints on our experiences. It seems easy to find those who want to vent their negatives….and we can always learn something from those. But, I know some adult adoptees from Vietnam from the early 70’s who genuinely are so positive and share their memories of when they flew to the US, not knowing where they were going….eating fried chicken for the first time, etc. Maybe they were very sheltered, maybe they are the “exception to the rule”….I don’t know. But we can also learn from the positive things their parents did for them to have this kind of story too. So, I would be interested as long as it is a well-rounded forum of adult adoptees. Thanks for all you do bring to light here on the RQ.