I agree with the suggests that keeps blog comments off and responses in the private forum. I know as an AP, I need to hear the voices and options of adult adoptees, whatever they have to say within RQs rules, more than they need to hear from me.

I want to listen and learn, not justify my actions and beliefs.

If the comments are turned off it would be fine with me. IMHO, the discussion should then be moved to the private forum. The blog stays cleaner and there’s no disjointed discussion from blog to forum, blah, blah… not that I’d tell you what to do, RQ : ^ ”

Thanks for every moment you spend with your community.
M…

Finding a way for the adult adoptees to be heard is tricky…even on the forum it is clear that APs don’t want to open their hearts and listen to hard words from adoptees. Gosh knows I’ve felt that backlash, and when my comments have been mild they have been ignored.
This is partly why adult adoptees have that reputation for being angry - but is not always about being angry about our adoption, it is often being angry about not being heard.

And Cathy is very correct in noticing that adult adoptees can often be hurt by listening to APs…I’ve expressed that on the forum and was given a harsh spanking for it. And I’d also expressed it previously on a more private thread…commenting that when PAPs talk about being jealous of pregnant women or avoiding friends and family who are pregnant…well, as an adoptee I hear that as confirmation that biology IS most important and that adoption IS second best (otherwise why would you care if someone else got pregnant? why would it matter? are you really not over the dream of a genetically related child?) I get that there is more to the pregnancy issue than that - but I hear such things through my filter as an adoptee. I think more parents need to know how we adoptees process our lives and experiences - and the parents need to suck it up and put away their defensiveness. JUST LISTEN.
(nobody ever said having children would be easy - this is one of the not so easy parts….)

I might suggest shutting off the comments for the adult adoptee posts….just let the bloggers share their thoughts and let the APs sit with it for some time. (Really, why do people have to constantly ‘comment’ about things anyhow?)Perhaps a commentless post would provide a good exercise in simple listening. And if people feel the need to comment, well , start a topic on the forum…that seems fair enough.

However, I did once read a blog called “Twice the Rice” and it really opened my eyes to a perspective I hadn’t thought of before. This woman especially had a strong feeling against using that China “ultrasound” picture that so many people use on their adoption blogs. After reading that, I decided against using that in my adoption posts/announcements. So I believe that other perspectives, no matter how difficult to swallow, is really good. I want to prevent anything I can from negatively affecting my daughter and be prepared to help her through her losses that I cannot prevent or change..

I would also be interested in hearing from adoptees about their preference of a name. I’ve heard many scenarios about Chinese/Korean adults not being believed that they are who they are because their last name is not Chinese/Korean. I’ve wondered if we should keep the Chinese name as a middle name just so that they have some identity that a school teacher, doctor’s office, etc. would realize when they call the name that they are looking for an Asian rather than looking right over their head to the white people in the room.

If things get too harsh for to take, we can always just log off, right?

Thanks for listening,
LID 1/25/06!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, Tarnish - to detract from or spoil. That’s what it would do for me IF someone came on here without the guidelines/rules that we have to follow and began to discuss their experiences. It wouldn’t ruin this RQ blog for me, it would just detract from it a little.

I don’t know why I disagree with it so much, maybe it’s that I’ve grown to enjoy my time in this community and I don’t want it tarnished. I realize that adopting our daughter will not be a “bed of roses” the entire time, but I believe their will be more good times than bad! I’m not against learning what adoptees go through, but I’d rather read it from an adoption book with several viewpoints and research than from one or two people who might have had it rough while growing up and are ready to tell the world about it.

I would just be careful RQ. You have created an awesome community here and I would hate to see it harmed because of something like this. In the end I think you’ll make the best decision for this board, whatever that might be.

Thanks,
Matt