AKSC, obviously you have your child. Good for you. But do you realy think its appropriate to attack others on this site who although their postings may be seen as derogatory, seem to come from a lack of understanding rather han any intentional maliousness.

WHY DIDN’T YOU ADOPT FROM FOSTER CARE? You seem to feel very strong about it; and your only considering it now because the wait is too long in China for baby #2.

Let me tell you why we didn’t choose foster care. We have no children and are in our early 30s. When we first learned of our infertility, foster care was our first choice. However at our very first meeting we were told that our state’s foster care system is NOT an adoption agency and that our whole goal as foster parents is to “foster” reuniting the child with their birth parent. So we said no; we wanted a child of our own.

We went to a US agency to adopt, cost was the same as international; except that we were told we would have to accept an open adoption should we want to receive a referral; again we said we wanted a child that ours with no questions. Then we meet a couple at a bbq with a child from China who highly recommended the agency we chose. Again; we asked about older children and children with special needs. Our social work suggested that due to our age and our lack of experience raising children we would be better suited to NSN.

My husband and I tried to do the right thing, the socially consious thing and perhaps even the liberal guilt thing. Do we have a baby, no. And frankly the reason I stay off this site is because I have come to accept that we might never receive a child from China; but I check back occassionally to see if anything has changed.

The only thing that has changed as of late is that those already with children seem to be on a high horse regarding what is wrong or right to say. They couldn’t care less that some of us are basically financially drained (we have lost $8k to this fiasco-not refundable-just gone) or that we are emotionally fragile.

Do I think my agency lied-yes. Do I think China lied-yes. I don’t know what you call it but when both the agency and CCAA officials continue to make public statements that adoptions will continue (if your willing to wait) and that they are “very concerned” about the increasing times, but still accept applications regardless of the ever increasing concerns. Yes, I call that lying.

China uses the IA community to fund charities that support the orphanages; orphanages that now are mainly adopting children out domestically. Does China stop accepting international applications? Does China stop asking Americans for aid for fresh water aid? For supplies? To rebuild after the earthquake? NO-they use IA to keep the money coming. Money that goes to a widely aknowledged corrupt system.

So AKSC do you really think its fair that you defend China and the broken IA system while bashing other prospective PAPs-all the while bouncing your child on your knee. SHOW SOME COMPASSION!!!-Having a child, adopted or otherwise does not give you the right to dictate to others what or how they should feel, it also doesn’t give you the right to tell people to try someplace else-you certainly didn’t until now.

The comment: “Why is a SN 9 year-old from China so much more appealing than a child who needs a home here in the U.S.?” That is a pretty sick comment from you! Why not a 9-year old from China? She will be a blessing to any family! It is not about appeal, it is about wanting a child, a family. Just like any other human being-wether that comes by way of pregnancy, adoption, in-vitro or foster care. Playing into your way of thinking perpetuates the system in China. Of course, for you it is easy to say all that you said now that you are a mom and home from China! Try remembering what your wait was like. I am not sure not everyday was perfect for you and that you were never not frustrated!

As for the comment you made: “…some neurotic place where people go to pieces because they don’t get what they want when they want it.” I have never viewed this adoption about me! I am in in for the long haul-my comment was related to a sign about the SN child as it is a big decision-obviously because of her, not me! Adopting is about human love, family, compassion, etc. etc. It really has nothing to do with China-I would be happy with any child which is why we are open to other countries, foster care and SN. You make it sound like I am some freak who wants a doll! I do not even like dolls to be honest! To even suggest that is disgusting! You are making some horrible accusations about me and you read ONE post. Give me a break!

I will leave you with a quote:

‘All the Children who are held and loved will know how to love others…Spread these virtues in the world. Nothing more need be done.’ Meng Zi, 300BC

If only you could understand it…..

Congrats again to all who received your match! Enjoy every moment of the journey!

I had a really hard day and needed a safe place to vent. I have always thanked RQ for a place to do that or to share information or to say congrats! Why are you still on RQ if you are no longer adopting from China anyway? I have read hundreds of posts on here and on other blogs and I think yours is the rudest I have ever read. You know nothing about me, my education, my travels, my agency or my life. I am well educated, well traveled, kind, compassionate and this is my first child. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful, loving family and I have no other motive for adopting from China-I do not think anyone does and I think it is weird for you to even suggest that. I am also adopted so I know another side of it.

We started the process in 2005 (after infertility too although we were always going to adopt!)-our SW “forgot” to send in her paperwork so we did not get logged in until 2006. We did NOT sign a “contract” with our agency. In our paperwork and verbally at our orientation, we were told “6-9 months-12 at the longest.” Yes, back then, I was naive, I really believed that I would have a child within a year. Our agency NEVER talked or wrote about the wait time increasing or decreasing-in fact, I am the one who wrote them to say it is time to make some changes on their website and orientation because it was misleading. So, then, it was to be spring 07, then late fall. Then, in Jan. 2008 I talked to our director and was told yes, we would have a match in 2008. Now, it looks like 2009. I will wait ten years if I have to-I am committed to the journey and the child that I am blessed to recieve! It does not mean that I have to pretend that it is not difficult and painful somedays. It is not about what I want-I never said that. In fact, if you read some of my other posts, I have talked about the kids, the earthquake, the country. I have said this before: China does not owe me a thing, but they do owe those children the opportunity to be adopted, wether that be by me or someone in China or someone in the UK. No child in any country should be in an orphange. There are other options such as the way Korea does it-foster care rather than orphanages.

In regards to your comment about adopting in the US-you have no idea how much time I spent researching agencies in the US and in other countries! China is where we, just like you, felt our hearts were!!! Why did you “choose” China? Have you adopted in the US? Do you know what state I live in? No, you do not! We were denied foster care about 6 months ago because of our China adoption! They viewed it as a complication and many states are now changing foster care guidelines/reccomendations to always reunite the family…..no matter what the biological parents have done to have had their children removed from their home. As someone who is adopted by an amazing family, I find this absurd. It is never about the child, it is always about something else! That was my point.

We have tried several times to adopt a “SN” child but by the time we do our paperwork, etc. we are never first in line (as our agency phrases it!). We love China and the people but we do not agree with the way the government is “doing” things…..it does not mean we are ignorant or the Ugly American! I have several friends who have adopted at least one child from China and a few in the last year & they were blessed to see orphanges and I am pretty sure they are not lying to me about seeing many children.

Waitingforlaurali, lizyrose and findinghope-Thank you for being non-judgementa, kind and having some class when you post. You are going to be great moms!

I don’t get it. Please…let’s be kind! This is no time to be spitting out vicious words at others….

The feeling that your “child is missing” may be genuinely felt, but that will not make your wait any shorter or easier. There are a number of posts in the talk and discussion boards that talk about the denial of reality with regard to the changes in the program. The signs have been out there. All this public heartache is not going to change a thing. We waited almost 4 times the wait that we were told to expect when we signed up - and we were waiting for our first child after years of infertility. I know all about the personal grief of waiting, and I also hoped that we could adopt a second child from China so that our daughter could have a sibling with a similar life story. But the fact remains - this is never going to happen. We just need to be open to new possibilities now if we want to build our family. The child in your heart is really in your head. And, as soon as people get over this fact, the sooner people will go on with their lives. Whether they choose to wait it out or move on to some other way of building a family.

It’s not a matter of giving up on some idea of a child. It’s just not going to be a reality for people unless they wait a VERY LONG time.

And now other programs are already impacted from the surge of people scrambling to get into other programs. After this experience, I will not take any agencies words at face value. There are no guarantees with international adoption.

Why is a SN 9 year-old from China so much more appealing than a child who needs a home here in the U.S. ? I just don’t get it. And foster adopt programs are practically no cost. In fact, most states provide a monthly stipend for the child until they turn 18. Foster adoption might be a challenging track for some but it does lead to forever families. Switching programs is an option. I know people who are switching right now because they are not insane enough to wait 4-5 more years - sitting by crying every month while 3-5 LIDs go by. This is crazy!

There are thousands of families that started programs in Vietnam and Guatemala that will never see their adoptions go through. I just don’t see this kinds of public discourse about these other programs or countries.

There are other options out there for people who have open minds and open hearts about adopting children. But it might involve letting go of one dream to make room for another.

I wish the best to all of those who can wait it out. It’s certainly worth it.

Like I said, this journey is taking its toll on all of us. And for some, the slowdown does feel like the end of the world. Heartache is a very personal thing, and some may feel it a lot harder than others. I try very hard to have compassion for those who are feeling it the hardest these days because I know that I, too, have my hard days.

I’ve been blessed with one precious child from China, and I so badly want her little sister home with us. While my heartache isn’t the same as someone waiting for their first, there’s still a sadness, a hole in your heart, when one of your children is missing. And switching programs isn’t always an option, especially when you already feel your child in your heart. It’s hard to turn away and go elsewhere when you feel this little person asking you not to give up on her.

My hope is that the poster somehow finds a sense of peace that he or she could probably really use right now.

When did it become O.K. for us waiting parents to vent our feelings in such a thoughtless, judgmental way about China? Does our pain make it O.K to vent such horrible feelings and make highly derogatory accusations about our children’s birth county, its people and its culture? When did the Chinese become the evil THEY?

cachinadoll is an adult and she may well possibly raise an adopted child from China someday. I think we all need to raise the bar here on these types of discussions. It makes little difference whether cachinadoll meant to be offensive or not. Ignorance is ignorance. And, I’m not all that sure that many potential adoptive parents are able to see beyond their own grief to fully grasp the changes that are happening in China.

China is a sovereign nation with the right to run any type of adoption program it wants to. It is not an endless baby factory for people who want to “love their children.” Why the allure of Chinese children? Why not this obsession with adopting in the U.S. or elsewhere?

cachinadoll’s longin name reveals a lot. We need to examine this china doll fixation. Some people have unrealistic fantasies about raising these kids. These children are paraded out in blogs and put on display as objects for us to lure at and covet. Like some magical transformation will happen in our lives once we have one of our own.

Look, I am the adoptive mother of a Chinese child that I love more than anything in this world. I had dreams of adopting another child so that our DD could have a sibling. But we are changing our plans, obviously.

cachinadoll has NO excuse for the feelings she expressed in her post and I urge the moderators here to watch this kind of thing because it reflects very poorly on Americans and adoptive parents in general.

This site has been an enormous resource. Let’s not let it descend into some neurotic place where people go to pieces because they don’t get what they want when they want it. We are talking about real children and real lives. If people want to adopt children and be parents, they’ll have to deal with their loss and find another way to become parents or wait it out. There are other options besides China. So many people already have kids - I find it really hard to hear these people complain. I feel very bad for the people that our waiting for their first child.

This is the real world and not some Chinese baby blog wonderland. Get a handle on your grief and think about all the people in China who lost their only children in the earthquake. There is great suffering in this world and most Americans have no clue how most of the world lives. The China program slowdown is not the end of the world.