A Rambling Post
Three years ago we were waiting for our I-171H. Everything was done, we were just waiting on the &%$&* USCIS Office to get us that final piece of paper. They, of course, took much longer than they should have.
Mainly I guess I’m just being sentimental. It’s been three years since we were on the back end of the paperchase, and almost a year and a half since we traveled to get TwinkleToes. It breaks my heart that, at the current rate, there will be people who will still be waiting three years after their paperchase.
I watched my girls dance along with Hi5 this morning. TwinkleToes is quite good at following along with the moves. She can’t sing along yet, but she sure can dance with them. I know of a dance studio in the area that has an excellent preschool program and I’m thinking of signing her up in the fall. She’s young, but she has an aptitude for it. And, as I said, they have a great preschool program. The focus is on having fun, not being good. I’ve noticed though, that their little preschoolers are actually pretty good. GlitterGirl wouldn’t have been able to handle it at three, but I think it will be good for TwinkleToes.
I am so glad that my girls are so close. They are farther apart in years than I think siblings usually are, but somehow it works out. I can see each girl’s individual talents beginning to come out. GlitterGirl has noticed it, too. There are a few things that TwinkleToes is almost as good at as she is and GG thinks that is just wrong. I’ve explained that everyone has their talents, things that come easy for them. She’s working through that. She thinks she’s supposed to be better than her sister at everything.
I haven’t had to travel much for work since we returned home, but that’s starting to change a little. I guess they figure they’ve given me enough time. And, theoretically they are right, but being away from my girls, even for a day or two, is excruciating. Who knew that two small people could wedge themselves so fiercely into my heart?
There isn’t really a point to this post. I guess the point could be that the wait sucks and that even a year and a half after you are home you remember the pain of it. Or it could just be a rambling post.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Doesn’t sound like rambling at all, more like a proud mom. We are LID 3/1/06 and are in the process of a new I-600A, background checks, homestudy update, etc. for the 3rd time and could possibly be in the running of waiting 3 years. I am trying to stay optomistic as we can almost see the end in sight. It will all be worth it.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Our agency would say at meetings how people always forget the wait once their child comes home. When I talked to people after we got home, I told the truth – no, I didn’t forget the wait. The wait is definitely worth it but there’s no way getting around the fact that it sucks.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Doesn’t sound like rambling to me either, just the truth. Being home with your child does not cause you to develop amnesia re the simple fact that the wait sucks. I’m still holding out hope that there will be some breakthrough in the not-too-distant future that will whittle the wait down to some more humane timeframe.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Waiting is the hardest part (isn’t there a song about that?) Anyway, what I love (and need to hear) from people who have been through this is that the waiting although not forgotten was worth it. For my 14 and 11 year old this summer, they have had to wait in line for some of their favorite roller coaster and movies, but I have noticed that the waiting builds up their excitement (and tests their commitment) but in the end when they talk of the experience they spend 95% of their time talking about the actual ride, or the movie and only mention briefly the wait (but in a boastful way). I hope that it will be like that for us in this wait. We are in a hot noisy line with lots of other sweaty people, but we get to see the excitement on the faces of those coming home and hear their wonderful stories, only to think, soon it will be my turn!
July 18th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Charlotte loves Hi-5. too. Every weekday morning (when we have to go to work), she gets up and says “milk?” then “Hi-5?” and watches her fave show while I get ready for work – which does involve sitting next to her and enjoying it with her, too. I love when she tries to dance along to it. Looking at her makes me feel so calm and relieved, but it is also a reminder of those who are waiting for these moments – the little moments that make this all so amazing. Like today when I said “have I told you yet today how much I love you?” and she said “I love you!” with a big grin. It will happen for those of you still waiting. I am sorry that it will take so long for many of you – truly sorry. My heart aches for those of you in this ridiculously long line. We waited 21 months and that was almost unbearable, and now that seems like such a short time in the grand scheme. I will never forget the wait – it was a huge part of my life for such a long time – and I will not forget those of you waiting (which is why I still hang out on RQ!)
:)
Tracy
July 18th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Thanks for sharing RQ. I agree the wait does not really ever fade from your memory. However, when I look into the faces of my children, I know every second and minute was worth it. I wish I could erase the pain of this..but there are some things that never go away.
I share the same wish as CWS..I really, really hope that the wait stabilizes soon.
CTG
July 18th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I think it used to be true that you forgot the wait. Back when the wait was a year or so, maybe. This time, there’s no way I’ll forget. In February it will be 3 years from when we started. And no, there’s no way I’m going to forget what we’re going through this time. It’s been one of the most difficult periods of my life.
July 18th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
It is hard to believe that my husband and I are just starting this long wait.We are waiting for our I800A approval. We are aware of the wait and although we aren’t glad about it, we have braced ourselves for it. This is our first adoption and will be our first child. Even though the wait is long my hearts yearns for this child that I haven’t even met. The wait will have to be worth it.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I’ll never forget the wait, she has been home 9 months now it’s still very fresh in our minds…………….
July 18th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
We’ve been home 1.5 years, and I still sometimes find myself think’n about the long, long journey to our DD. I know that with the wait came the child that was meant for us….so I would not change a thing. But, it’s hard to believe at times that the waiting, yearning…excruiating at times is over and a full LIFE as a Mom & Dad to a precocious, joyful, always smiling little one has begun. YEA!
Something I struggle with now is hoping/trying to get “it” right… My Mom was/is a GREAT MOM….a WARRIOR MOM! I just hope that I can replicate even in a small way all that she has given to me and my siblings. And BTW, she’s also a terrifc GRANDMOTHER!!!!! DD is “pal’n around” with her today!
Sending patience and tenacity to all in line….hand in there…..it is so WORTH IT!
DD – Forever Family Dec. 18, 2006
July 18th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
We too will not forget the wait (and being on hold) for two years. The impacts and consequences have faded somewhat in the last six months. My frustration and anger over the wait has been replaced with love for my daughter and thankfulness that she is home.
We will also not forget those still waiting and how this impacts them.
K.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I was just lying down with our Mia for nap time, watching her breath, looking at her beautiful skin, hair, her precious straight eye lids. How horrible is this wait! It makes me furious. There is no reason for it! We have our precious girl, but I am heartbroken for all you who are suffering. I just pray you’ll find sweet relief soon. Thank you RQ for keeping this site in proper perspective for all of us.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I think the hardest part of the wait for me was the unknown. My wait tripled from when I was logged in. I really think that I could have dealt with it if I had just known. Add to that, the almost daily inquiries from people about any new information. (As if, after waiting so long, I would have kept it a private affair… yeah..RIGHT!!!)
At a local FCC board meeting we learned about a family that was just DTC. Most of us were shocked, given the wait. I actually quipped that they were actually still in high school but would met the 30 YO requirement by the time they got their referral.
I really don’t know how I would deal with the current wait. I know for me, there were times, I just needed to shut down emotionally and “step away form the computer”. Other times, I felt like nobody else could fully understand what I was feeling other than my fellow PAPs here in RQ-ville.
We do what we have to do to survive the wait. It is worth it in the end… but it sure does suck at times on the journey to finally get there.
As EJsMom2Be said, “I know that with the wait came the child that was meant for us….so I would not change a thing.” Ditto.
Laureen
http://www.babysites.com/sites/laureenmary
July 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I just don’t even think about the fact that we’re doing a China adoption anymore. Yes, we are still “in line” and will stay in line but with a LID of 4/23/07, I don’t think we’ll travel for YEARS…I think we’ll be lucky to get our baby girl in 2013! We’re doing an interim adoption (Thank goodness for that option!). We’ve put all our focus and attenion on that. In the meantime, I try not to look at all the cute, pink, little girl things I bought nearly two years ago when we began the China paperchase…it’s too depressing. I can’t imagine ever forgetting this wait for our China baby…
July 18th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
We’ve been home for 3 years. Did I forget the wait? Well, it was only 7 months, so I don’t remember pining away too bad. I remember relief–after 4 years of fertility treatments and one failed domestic adoption, once we were DTC we felt like we finally had a sure thing–and at that time we did! 7 months really wasn’t long. BUT–I will never forget THIS wait. We’re logged in April of 2007. Honestly, we might not make it through this wait at all. We’ve discussed dropping out and our SW and agency have convinced us to keep on waiting for now. If we do get through it–we will NEVER forget THIS wait!
July 18th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Our wait time started at 5-7 months and ended at 14 months in late 2006. In the time between 7 and 14 months my mother bugged me every day about why wasn’t I calling the Chinese embassy? why wasn’t I busting down the doors of my agency? I give all of you credit for enduring so long. We couldn’t have waited this long.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Just having someone acknowledge the Wait means a ton to us. They don’t have to say a lot. We’re not expecting that. It’s just having them “understand”, no matter how little, a part of what we are experiencing.
I know everyone has their own trials in life. I hope we’ll be better at recognizing and appreciating the mountains and valleys others are going through in their life journey as a result of our own…
peace
fm
LID 1-27-06
http://www.alyzabethan.blogspot.com
July 18th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
My agency has confirmed that China has finished review of February at least for my agency.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
RQ, thanks for your candor about how the wait has and still does have a place in your thoughts, and to all those in RQ-ville who have shared the same. Your acknowledgement means the world to us!
asiwait, I really liked your analogy about waiting in line for a roller coaster…
We’ve certainly had to be creative in coming up with ways to survive this wait and stay sane. That might make for an interesting topic of conversation while we wait (there’s that word again!) for the next rumours to arrive…
July 19th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Just wanted to share this article, posted today:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080719/ap_on_re_as/china_the_shutdown
It is about Beijing shutting down to reduce pollution before the Olympics. It includes information about Beijing businesses and governments being asked to reduce hours worked.
July 19th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Thanks for the post. I’m so tired of hearing that “once the child is in your arms you will forget the wait”. Coming up on our two year LID anniversary with no end of the wait in sight, I can only echo your sentiments. The wait is wretched for everyone. I’m also tired of hearing that we should “just” switch to special needs and we deserve to wait since we aren’t switching. Switching is not an option for us with our agency. I guess I’m rambling too!
July 19th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
We came home 2 weeks ago and I can tell you the following:
1. you do NOT forget the wait..I am rather bitter about it and trying to get over it. Our child was languishing in an orphanage while we waited for paperwork to come through. We ended up with EXACTLY the child we should have in this family and love her dearly. I am bitter because of her developmental delays. We could have seen less delay in her growth (maybe.) I am trying to look forward. Maybe I am still in shock over the addition of a new family member and I’m trying hard to purge the bitterness over the process.
2. it is DEFINITELY worth the wait if you can stand it. Your heart melts when they smile and hurts when they cry. I now have two little Chinese girls. When our new little 2.5 year old saw all her clothes and shoes in her own room she almost fell over from grinning so big. When she went to the grocery store and saw all the food she seemed amazed. I think she likes it here and someday I hope we can talk about it all. She is very mechanical and inquisitive so I know she’ll catch up to her age group. But…I am glad the wait is done, over, and kaput. It was draining, sad and created a horrible, unspoken, invisible impact on the day-to-day quality of my marriage.
July 19th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Three years ago, on July 18, 2005 we met our precious little one (we had a wonderful day of remembering and celebrating yesterday). The wait for us was a little over six months and 18 months start to finish for us. I know from experience that this wait ends but our daughter wants her sibling and regularly says that China is taking too long. That’s the hardest part of all.
July 20th, 2008 at 10:50 am
portlandval, I still deal with some anger over the fact that TT languished in an orphanage while we sat here waiting for her. Nothing anyone can do about it, and I know I’d be better off to be able to get past the anger, but I haven’t really figured out how to do that just yet.
When we bought TT that first pair of shoes, it was likely the first ‘new’ thing she’d ever had. She loved those shoes. They were special to her in a way that can probably only happen for someone who has never had anything to really call their own.
And the idea that there was enough food she could eat anytime she wanted, and as much as she wanted. It was (and still is) heartbreaking. We still have to have food available for her pretty much all the time. Even if it’s just a bowl of cereal in a see through container with a sealed top on it sitting out so she can see it, she needs the assurance of food close by. We can be in the car and she’ll suddenly start crying that she’s hungry. I keep tiny boxes of raisins in my purse so I have something to give her. If she discovers there is no food handy she panics. It’s better than it was, but it’s still there. Sometimes we go a week that food isn’t so important, and then it all comes back and she must have food in sight at all times or she freaks.
No child should feel that way. Ever. And the fact that if they’d let us adopt her a year earlier then maybe today she wouldn’t have what is probably a horrible memory of starving. Yeah. I’m angry about that. She’s my daughter, and someone caused pain to my child. There is probably no way around my not being angry on some level.
July 20th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I’m glad we have a place like this to share what we are feeling. No explaining. No apologizing. Just expressing what’s on our mind, what’s in our heart.
I will never travel with my little one without having a clear container of cheerios and a box of raisins after reading this…
peace
fm
1-27-06
http://www.alyzabethan.blogspot.com
July 21st, 2008 at 5:19 pm
As some of you know I had to take a break from the chat groups, but this topic caught my eye. I am so grateful to hear so many of you admit that this is hard. I too get tired of hearing folks say it is worth it. I don’t deny that it is, but I am glad to hear so many express the struggle.
My DH and I are debating on whether we stay the course. Our LID is 1/22/07 and I too believe that it will be around the year 2013. I have already told my husband that I will not wait and will move on. We will give it until January 2009 to see if the Olympics have any impact on the wait; if it does not than we will go without having children.
Ten years of infertility and chasing a dream is long and then to throw another 4+ more years from now. Kudos to those who don’t mind being parents for the first time in their mid to late forties, but I don’t have that stamina.