Anger
I’ve talked about this before: Who to be angry at. I made a comment yesterday that has me thinking about that. Who is my anger at?
The answer is that I’m not angry at anyone in particular. I suppose if I have to name my anger, it’s toward a system that allows children to languish in substandard care while parents who have jumped through every hoop imaginable to prove they are worthy sit waiting to adopt them. I realize that not all of the babies are in substandard care, but mine was.
But, that same system made the adoption possible. So, it’s kind of a confusing anger.
In the end, the peace I’ve made with myself is that I don’t wish revenge or retribution on anyone. My hope is that for anyone out there who has knowingly contributed to this mess, that they at some point in their life learn exactly what it is that they have done. Not just in their head, but in their heart. I’m not going to sit in judgment of them, but it is my hope that someday they understand enough of what they have done to sit in judgment of themselves.
As for what I’ll do: I’ll love my girls with all my heart. My anger belongs to me, and I’ll do my best to not hand it off to them. Someday TwinkleToes may need to know it is there, but that day is a long way away. And maybe she’ll never need to know about it. I’ll have to play that one by ear and see what the future holds. Maybe she’ll have only positive feelings about her time in China and her adoption, and maybe she will never need to know I was angry on her behalf. But maybe she’ll have her own feelings of anger and will need to know that others who love her feel the same way and have learned to deal with the anger without letting it take over.
For now, it’s my job to teach her to be proud of the country of her birth. And, I’m not mad at China in general, that’s not where my anger is aimed. My anger is aimed at individuals who may have made choices that have kept babies in orphanages when they could have been with families.
And it isn’t an all encompassing anger. So, I guess I have dealt with it, probably as well as it will ever be dealt with. Like I said, someone caused pain to my child. Possibly long lasting stuff that won’t ever go away, she’ll just have to figure out how to live her life around it. The mama bear in me can’t help but react to that.
And I guess I’m talking about it because I see others out there dealing with similar feelings. I had none of these feelings after adopting GlitterGirl. I wish I could feel the same warm fuzzies now as I did after GG’s adoption. But, I don’t, and denial of my feelings won’t make them go away. I think the best way to deal with them is to accept them, embrace them, and then focus on the good stuff as much as possible. And when the feelings of anger come up, I don’t just shoo them away. I accept them, but I don’t let them take over.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:49 am
I have a LID of 4/07 and started to redo my paperwork and I can’t really express to anyone in my life how incredibly sad and angry I am. People keep asking me if I have any news about my baby and I keep saying it will be a few more years. One of my brothers actually asked me if I was sure I hadn’t been scammed by the adoption agency. I am a 45 year old single woman. This is it, this is my one chance to become a mother and I feel as if this will never happen. I sort of feel that I have pinned my hopes on a dream that is never going to come true. I have been researching different medical conditions because I am adopting a waiting child but even that would be at least another 18 months according to my agency on top of the time that I have already waited. I killed myself to get my dossier done in time for the May 1st deadline before singles were eliminated from consideration and now I just keep getting older and older and I remain childless. I am so sad and angry and I don’t think people understand.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:04 am
longislander…there are no words…I am so sorry. Your time will come, but I know it does not make the waiting any easier NOW.
RQ..thank you for continuing this site and sharing.
CTG
July 21st, 2008 at 8:28 am
longislander-
Don’t give up. I, too, am 45, single, and got in just under the wire (Feb 07). I have it a little easier in that this is my second adoption. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like going through all of this for your first and only child. I definitely feel for you.
But I have this feeling in my heart that just keeps getting stronger and stronger that a baby does, in fact, wait at the end of all this. And my gutt instinct says that the wait won’t be as long as we’re anticipating. Try to remember that timeframes, circumstances, etc., of international adoption change everyday; and what looks really bad right now may look quite differently a couple months from now.
I, too, am keeping my eye on the Waiting Children list and starting the coursework for older child adoption. I think it’s important to keep your heart and mind open to different possibilities. Open as many doors as you can and your child WILL eventually be waiting at one of them.
Hang in there.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:03 am
It’s very hard not to give up. Here too 45 years old – but life keeps me going, it’s easy being I already have an 8 yr old (his birthday’s today). I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s very frustrating as we approach our 2nd yr of waiting. I keep telling myself that things have to get better. The thing that gets me through this wait with family and friends asking have you heard anything is to tell them I haven’t heard anything but it won’t be till 2010..I know that sounds so far away, but at least they won’t keep asking me it can drive you nuts. I want to thank RQ for all she does in keeping me informed. All I can say is hang in there.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:27 am
Longislander..it must be the morning for 45yrs olds…You must not give up….your baby awaits you..she may not even be born, but..this is just some odd time in all of our lives that is really testing our patience….I don’t know why we have all been put to this test….one day we know the answer…you have to trust time….lets look forward..chin up…..if you were at my home…I’d put on the water for a cup of tea…everything seems better after a spot of tea…Marlene..
July 21st, 2008 at 9:27 am
I had some anger when we adopted our 2nd daughter. She was 11 months old when we adopted her, and she couldn’t crawl or roll over. She could barely sit up and would topple over like a rag doll.
And the sad thing is that her orphanage is part of the Half The Sky grandma program. I thought she would have been more developed. My daughter was the oldest child in our travel group, and the most malnourished. The doctors in China told us it appeared she had cerebal palsy, it was that bad.
We’ve been home for almost a year and a half and still have food issues. She hoards food and will keep a bite of food in her mouth for 10 minutes at a time, refusing to swallow it.
I don’t understand why she had to languish in an orphanage for almost a year. She is the daughter we were meant to have, but it breaks my heart to think that with our LID of 9/29/05 and her birthday of 4/25/06, we spent so much time waiting before she was even born.
I’ve learned to let go of a lot of the anger, but some days are worse than others.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:49 am
I just went for a walk to clear my head and came back and read my post. I left something out. It should say I am thinking about adopting a waiting child. Sorry
July 21st, 2008 at 10:14 am
I really have not had any anger since being home. I was not angry before either. I was extremely frustrated. It was depressing and very frustrating just not knowing where this was taking us.
now that we are home, I have a sense of peace about the whole thing. I feel like “OK, one more child has made it through the system for a chance at a family”
I understand the pain and frustration that folks are going through. I would have to be pretty callous to not feel it having lived through it and also through my moderation of this site. I have to say though, I never really felt angry.
I do feel very very sad for the decisions that some folks will have to make, or have made for them, during this wait. that is very sad.
AW
July 21st, 2008 at 10:17 am
I don’t have my child yet so the only anger I have right now is directed at how long it is taking me to get her!!! But I have to say, in defense of my daughter’s homeland, I have to feel they are doing the best they know how. You can’t fault them for that.
I watched a documentary on China’s stolen children the other night. Made in 2008, by the way. And it brought to my realization how different the United States is from China. So when I think about China’s history and how far they have come and how different our cultures are, it brings to focus how rediculous and self-centered my anger is. Those people do not want their country to be like this. Did you know that in China a couple can’t get a marriage license until the woman is 20 and the man is 22? And they can’t get a birth permit until they are married.
The documentary I watched showed a couple younger than the 20/22 age to get married who were pregnant. They couldn’t get a birth permit so they had to pay the tax. They couldn’t afford the tax so they had to sell their child. (which actually is no different than a birthmother being paid to give her child to an adoption agent in the US — it just sounds worse) It was heartbreaking to watch. The couple really loved this little girl but had to sell her because of china’s one-child policy. So the people of china are just as angry but their hands are tied until the (communist) government decides to lift the one child policy. And here we sit being angry because it is taking too long to get our children. Imagine being the lady in the documentary I watched! Changed my whole outlook.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:29 am
China and the people in China who care for and dare I say it, sometimes love our babies before we do, care for their children.
If they didn’t, one, adoption wouldn’t be necessary as there are (horrible) ways to eliminate a problem that contributes to a population problem and two, one has to believe that [almost] every individual is doing their best to care for babies and make certain they find their way to a loving, caring home.
I believe it’s a conspiracy of love that bring the babies to their families and it starts with their birth families and the risks that they willingly take to ensure their child will be cared for forever.
When people say negative things about China and too often in front of my 4 year old daughter, I always nicely respond that people in China love their babies because they do something very few in the Western world can understand to insure they will have a better life. When people do say something negative, I believe they are trying to offer comfort for the long wait. I am at peace with the wait because it comes down to “acceptance” and they “cycle of nature.” I believe the cycle will reflect that things change and the waiting will speed up.
Are there developmental delays in babies even in the best of SWIs? Yes. When one considers that one care taker has probably no less than 5 babies in her care, naturally, no matter how much she would like to feed, nurture and hold them all at one time, it is not possible. But it is amazing how their little hearts are not delayed. Some have attachment challenges more than others but in my experience, I’ve only heard and known of how sweetly these babies are willing to bond with their new parents.
I believe it to my soul that China is an amazing place. How could I ever have anger for a place that gave me the honor and privilege of my daughter.
Yes, I too and getting older and the age difference is not what we “planned” on when we started this second process, but this comes down to faith. Faith in where your heart and soul leads you.
We are committed to China and we didn’t choose China the first or second time because it was the quickest, cheapest of easiest way to adopt. We did it because we knew in our hearts this is where our children were.
Signed a person who simply can’t feel anger…maybe frustration at times … but now anger.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:44 am
Anger is not really the word for me. I guess it would be flabbergasted and disappointed.
I am shocked that an entire program can be marketed in such a way as to lure people in with promises of ethical and transparent adoptions. Amazed that for some reason China’s IA program is one that few are willing to openly talk about and governments are resistant to challenge or hold accountable to the rules of the Hague agreement.
I am deeply disappointed in myself for being so truly naïve and believing all that was put forward as truth. I am perplexed that this program can still sustain life after so many revelations.
A child should not have to endure months of deprivation with long lasting effects and yet they continue to leave orphanages in this state. A-parents join private forums and whisper about these taboo issues all too often because speaking of neglect and deprivation is not always a welcomed topic.
RQ, do you truly feel kids are being held back in China due to political reasons or do you feel there are not enough NSN children to fulfill the demand for AYAP NSN females?
I don’t know what to think anymore. There are days that I wonder whether it is another facade or whether there simply are no more kids languishing unless they are already in the IA line.
Either way, the system is not set up to support the complex issues that IA from China offers and therefore rather than channel my frustrations where I can’t change things (China) I will work towards a resolve where things can be changed.
More transparency and accountability by speaking out about the many realities of IA.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:13 am
My first daughter came home in pretty much the same condition as Sophie_mom’s daughter. She was 9 months old, had very little muscle development, an advanced stage sinus infection and was seemingly malnurished (we also still have food issues at 6 years old.) BUT, and this is a big BUT, it was also very obvious that this baby was loved by someone. She grieved terribly, bonded very quickly with me and seemed very accustomed to hugs, kisses and being sung to. She was a very loving baby (and still a very loving child). Someone taught her that.
And I guess that’s what got me passed the anger. I truly believe that someone was doing the best they could. Someone loved her. They perhaps didn’t have the means to tend to her properly (we even have evidence that she was being nursed), but they loved her. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
My biggest fear is that my second child won’t have that, that no one will be loving her while she waits for us. We can help her mend from any physical deprivation. Just PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let someone be loving her.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I recently learned that our son, waiting now for over 18 months for his Forever Family, is falling off the growth charts dramatically and has had his cleft lip surgery. Our dossier went to China in MAY. WHY does it take so long to review these things and find us acceptable parents for him? We had to pass review after review in our own country, we had to get immigration approval, we were fingerprinted THREE times (and that is not even RE fingerprinting they were all separate). Our son is NOT doing great in the orphanage. At fourteen months old, he could not sit by himself, could not crawl. At 18 months old he is barely 18 lbs and has grown barely over 2 inches in the last 9 months of his life.
I simply cannot comprehend a system that would rather have kids wait and wait, have them have SURGERIES without a family to love and support and comfort them, while dossiers gather dust in stacks for month after month waiting for someone to get around to reviewing them. Surely just saving the cost of his surgery (nevermind the extra months of food/board/care) would have paid the wages for another dossier reviewer (or two or three) to get MANY kids home to be cared for?
I would love to know who makes these decisions; who is responsible for the needless languishing these kids do in orphanages while the CCAA crawls along at a snail’s pace. In what universe does this system make sense? It doesn’t even make FINANCIAL sense…
Kate
July 21st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I was really angry with the wait that went from 6-8 months to two years, although that has faded with time. I am still angry about my NSN DD’s undiagnosed SN. I keep asking myself why no one noticed and wonder how it will impact her life. On the other hand, if someone had noticed, she wouldn’t be our DD.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Oh Dear where to start, my first daughter through this program just turned 9 months old before we left china. She was loved. she was already at the 9 month milestones and continued to thrive. She has an amazing facility for words and concepts. She is the only kid in her preschool class who can do the very challenging monkey bars (save one boy 6 months older than her and as tall as a mountain). She came from a small orphange, a clean one and the only information I got from the assistant director on adoption day was that she was “spoiled” by her nanny.
And I wish all the children could of/have that kind of attention and love. And now we just accepted a referral for a daughter who will be almost 19 months when we bring her home. From her orphange yahoo group I have learned that there have been babies with a younger date of birth that were adopted from there over 6 months ago. I don’t know why they would by pass one child up to paper ready younger ones. Don’t they all need a mother’s love.
She will be the oldest child in our travel group (from the same orphange) by months. I wonder what she thinks about when other cribmates or stroller mates go away and don’t come back. She is old enough to miss friends. She is old enough not to understand why a favorite nanny is there one day but on vacation for two weeks.
And I don’t know what we will find when she is put in our arms. But I know that she will be loved. I know that our first priority as a family will be to have her bond to us. To start from the begining “mama ai baobao.”
And I know (even if no adoption agency will aknowledge it) that my child’s age (even completely healthy) raised in an institution for as long as she has been quailifies her as special needs. (I have read/reading RQ’s toddler adoption book by Mary Hopkins-Best).
I just pray and hope other children can come home sooner to their waiting mothers and fathers. I don’t know if what I have is Anger. Thankfulness. Sadness. Hope. Joy. But I think I have all of these.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
“RQ, do you truly feel kids are being held back in China due to political reasons or do you feel there are not enough NSN children to fulfill the demand for AYAP NSN females?”
I am not RQ, but I think it depends on how you define “political reasons.”
China (or any other country) is under no obligation to fulfill the demand the for AYAP NSN females, whether there are literally enough children to meet the demand or not. These are their children to care for and allow to be adopted to foreigners or not, as THEY choose.
Does that make it a political reason? That some officials may say, okay, so many NSN females and such a percent SN every month (or year, or whatever)? Is that a political reason? Or perhaps just the decision of the country as is the right of any nation?
My opinion (not that you asked me ) is that China keeps answering this question in the same way -that there are not enough NSN children *paper-ready* and yet folks continually insist they’re lying. I don’t think they are – but even if they ARE lying… what difference does it make? It is, and always has been, China’s choice as to how many children they let be adopted internationally our of their country.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I certainly feel for all you who are LID and are waiting much. much, much longer than anyone imagined.
As my name implies, I have adopted twice – once from Russia and once from China. My two experiences were similar timewise. However, I do appreciate that most of the wait is “frontloaded” with the China program.
My heart breaks for many trying to complete a Russian adoption. As you probably know, you get matched, wait to take trip one to meet the child and wait again for trip two. The wait between trips can be almost a year! Imagine having met your child and then have to wait and wait for months to go to go court. It’s ridiculous to wait when the child is already identified.
If parents are available, then these children should be in homes ASAP. To dole them out slowly to keep fueling the machine is unconscientiable to me.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
My daughter was 9 months old and had obviously never been held. Her nannies in the picture seem affectionate, but there were a lot of babies in that room.
I get angry too. When I think of how little her life was worth, to be left on the street at 4 days old. It’s a miracle she’s alive, and that she survived the orphanage and is now part of a family that adores her. Every thing was against her.
I get mad at the system that created this. The one-child policy, it’s draconian enforcement, those that profit in the trafficking of babies, those that raise the fines so that babies can’t stay with their parents, the culture in China that undervalues girl babies. When I hear people say that ugly girl babies, you can’t even give them away there, I get angry (this was said by the trafficker in the documentary). My little girl wasn’t very pretty by Chinese standards, I’m pretty sure. What kind of a way is that to judge a human being’s worth?
I get very angry when people shrug and say, “well, they have that policy in China because there are SO MANY of them.” As though that could justify the lack of respect for a little girl’s life and future.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
From time to time I have to deal with this anger. I look at my kids, great kids, happy kids. But one of them will have to deal with the fact that he spend more then two years of his life with mentally handicapped kids. This made his life full of unexpected sounds. When I close my eyes I can still here these kids screeming and crying, hitting each other in the SWI. He is home now for 6 years and still sleeps with his door open.
Due to understimulation, lack of attention and love his brain did not develope as it should have.This child is such a sweet child, clever too, but learning and concentrating is a strugle.
My anger is not in the fact that he has these disabilities. My anger is in the fact that he was not born that way but made that way. And yes, he was also in a HTS centre.
He is the love of my life and I feel very blessed to be his mom. One day we will go back. I love china, I’m looking forward to visit the orphanages of my kids. Most of my kids were very well taken care of, they were loved.
But visiting his orphanage, seeing the people involved…I will have to take a deep breath:(
July 21st, 2008 at 3:52 pm
My oldest daughter was well fed, well cared for, and more than just a little bit spoiled during her 10 months in the SWI. She came to me as a healthy, happy, adorable baby. How lucky she was.
Her little sister spent 16 months at her SWI. She was obviously loved. You could tell right away that someone had taught her to give kisses and snuggle her head on your shoulder while she sleeps. The pictures that I got back on the camera I sent showed her with a woman who obviously adored her – you can see the love in her eyes. However, she came from a poor SWI – way up in the mountains where it isn’t easy to get food shipped in and even harder to grow it on the side of the mountain (although that’s what people there do). My baby was hungry. Starving. Malnourished. Pitifully thin. I truly believe that the SWI did everything they could for her. When I asked the director what I could give them as a gift, all she wanted was formula to feed the babies. Not a washing machine or an air conditioner, food. She didn’t say they needed clothes, or diapers, or toys. No, just food for the babies. That’s what makes me angry. Hungry babies. Babies whose little brains are being denied nutrients because there is no money for formula so they get watered down milk. CCAA members make “meet and greet” visits to the US while babies go hungry. That’s what makes me angry. Billions of yuan spent to make Beijing’s skies blue for the Olympics while babies go hungry. SWI Directors taking adoptive parents out to eat lavish meals while babies go hungry. Yeah, I’m still a little angry about that.
OBaby YBaby
July 21st, 2008 at 3:53 pm
You ask if there is “anger”, sure there is “anger”. I am angry that in Jan of 06 we were told the estimate would be about 12 to 16 months from contract to coming home from China.
So here we are 29 months later, and in month 22 of LID ( 10/13/06) and there is no end in sight. In fact the light at the end of the tunnel is only further away. I have developed a sincere anger and dislike for the addoption program in China.
I feel someday some one will have to answer for there actions. Why are kids being left with out parents when there are parents waiting to hold there child.
What hurts the most is this. When we started the program I just turned 39 and my wife was 35. We figured to get a child around 12 months old. When and if we get a child we should be about 44 and 40, but the child will still be about a year old. That is 5 less years we will have with this child. 5 years we cant get back.
Also for those out there who claim they “know how we feel”. Well let me tell you all something. YOU DONT. You know why, because the wait just keeps getting longer. We have another 3 years estimate to wait. The ones logged in after us will have to wait longer and longer, So no one knows how the next group feels because the next group is waiting even longer.
Thank you for letting me vent.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I feel anger as well, anger that sometime bubble up. Our daughter was 18 months when we got her and very undernourished. When we got her she had the same weight as in her medical exam 5 month earlier, 15,4 lbs. In our care she soon gained 7 lbs. Today she is a short but normal weight girl, always ready to smile and with a strong will, a little picky with food but she still never ever says no to a bottle of formula. We have a lovely girl but I never feel any gratitude to the orphanage. She might have been given some affection, she is one of those pretty children, but well cared for – I´m sorry to have to say NO!!!
Why did she have to stay at the orphanage for 18 months? A couple of month more might have killed her.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Like AW’s post, I was never angry through our second adoption; I wasn’t angry about the care our daughter received or the wait to meet her. Its not that I cannot be angry, but becoming a parent is a miracle whether you become a parent biologically or through adoption. I simply cannot become angry because I’m waiting for this miracle to happen. I become frustrated, distracted and disappointed while waiting. Of course I wish many things had been different for my daughters before we met them, but I’m not mad at anyone because of their circumstances. In fact, I’m gratefull to everyone who cared for our daughters and who helped to cause these two miracles to enter our lives. And I agree with Sherry, it has always been China’s choice to allow international adoption as it should be.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Sherry in VT, I hear what you are saying and I know that sentiment has been expressed many times on this site. Yes, they are China’s children. But that doesn’t mean that the decisions China makes are in the best interest of the children. And just as we have the right to criticize our own government when they do things we find harmful to its citizens, I think we have the right, and even the moral obligation, to speak up when we disagree with their policies.
Just to point out how this works when we turn the mirror back on America…When a social services agency fails to provide decent foster care homes or train its social workers to properly take care of the foster children in its care, we don’t just say “well, that’s the state’s children and they can do what they like for those kids.” Or at least I don’t say that. I say, “Wow, that’s a tragedy and travesty and those kids deserve better; the people in charge of that agency need to be replaced. What can I do or who can I vote for that will change those policies?” I don’t know why we have to give a free pass to the Chinese government when we wouldn’t do the same for our own, even.
Furthermore, it DOES make a difference if they are lying. It makes a difference to those children who sit waiting. RQ didn’t start this topic by saying that babies should be referred faster just to fill adoptive parents’ desires – she was regretting the extra time her daughter spent in an orphanage, due only to bureaucracy.
I am reading “Silent Tears” right now and I can tell you that there is no way to excuse some of the policies towards SN kids at the orphanage in that book. China’s kids or not, they deserve better.
Obviously, we can’t do much to change the CCAA’s policies, but I think it is perfectly reasonable to object to them. Bear in mind that some of us are objecting on behalf of the kids (not just ourselves), who have no other advocates.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Sherry, I have to disagree with you completely. What about the rights of the child? Children have rights to be fed, cared for, and to have a family. I believe this is an international human right, regardless of ethnicity, nationality, religion, or country of origin. Hopefully, someday the U.N. will recognize this right of the child.
I have been waiting two years for our child. We could provide a wonderful home for a child who is languishing in an orphanage. How it can be a government’s right to prevent an innocent child from having a home is beyond me.
We adopted our 2nd child from Russia last summer. She was two years and eight months. She lived in a baby home her whole life for no reason at all, other than the fact that they never bothered to place her. Is it shameful? Yes. Are the citizens of Russia embarrassed? You bet. The system there failed her dramatically. She literally slipped through the cracks.
Is she the right child for us? Yes. Did the caretakers at the baby home care for her well? Yes, as well as they could under poor circumstances. Was she starving? No. I think she was well fed. Was she developmentally behind? Yes, and she still is, although she is catching up. Did they love her? Maybe, but not the way a parent does.
I am grateful for her, and in my heart I tell her that she was loved and was waiting for her family to find her.
I just pray that many other children that are waiting can come home to their families a lot quicker than she did.
MaryPat
LID 9/06 and still waiting
July 21st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I was never angry but then I didn’t do the referral route.
I was frustrated with my first adoption. However, to me,
I was well aware of the slow down back in 2005 because our agency told us that is what will be happening. I agree with Sherry, it has been repeated in so many different ways with regards to the NSN’s children available it is like talking to a brick wall. It is not up to anyone to decide what China does, will do, hasn’t done, should of done.
Quite simply it is none of our business. These children are made available to us for IA through China and if they so choose they can slow it down, end it or change it.
However, agencies are the ones that I would be angry at.
I have been to many websites, and they are not truthful in the wait times, and some are just plain out deceitful.
I also believe that agencies shouldn’t be accepting applications unless PAP’s are fully aware of the long wait.
CCAA doesn’t care how many dossiers that they receive they just add them to their pile. I do believe that in the end of these long waits that people who are logged in will receive a referral. I think that people without children should be considered first. I know others don’t. I already have 2 children through adoption and I know what it is like not to have any children. If I was unable to adopt or build my family through adoption then I still would of lived my life and it still would of been filled with great things. It would of been just different. I just accept things, and whatever will be will be.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Is it anger or just total frustration?
Spending nearly all of my 30s and now into my 40s making sure not to get pregnant or else adoption would not happen – our country will not let your adoption proceed if y ou get pregnant.
No concurrent options allowed here where others can.
And now pushing the end of my fertile time in life still waiting for CCAA to give some sort of update on when likely to receive a likely referral.
Falling head over heals with so many cuties you see others come along and adopt within months not many years in other countries.
Wondering if you should just look into other options although you keep thinking your wait is just about there – again with no CCAA update other than ‘those who wait will be rewarded’ – whatever that means.
Knowing if your file had been sent a few months earlier you would be home already.
Seeing others with quicker options and other country options that we don’t have.
Wondering if you have spent 10 years of your life just dreaming / thinking /reasearching / hoping to adopt and that it could have been spent more productively elsewhere.
Seeing conservative government officials give people advice that you know will mean the PAPs may never become parents due to ageing out.
Not seeing CCAA give other countries any options to take a quicker route for their more difficult to place children.
CCAA seemingly giving preference to USA adoptions and certain agencies.
The uncertainty of if / when the SWI fees will go up.
Listening to friends say ‘maybe one more year’ and knowing that ball of string just keeps rolling and after so many years it is still 1 more year. And not really knowing believing it yourself anymore.
Frustration of having to be financial viable i.e. planning and working, before being even being approved to adopt and send file, and then sit back and what others have to fund raise quick to do multiple adoptions within months.
Trying to tell others new to look elsewhere when they are not realising how long they are likely to wait – or if with some mysterious magic wand referrals increase after the fee increase.
Agency officials telling people unrealistic wait times – although they seem more realistic of late.
But truly thankful for the most beautiful princess in the world.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:44 pm
We have been home with our cleft SN child for almost 3 months. She is almost 15 months old. Although I felt her orphanage was clean in their standards and that she was given some attention, it makes me angry that she too was hungry. She was in a program that had a 3-4 child to 1 nanny. They took time with her as an infant to feed, but not later on. Their only concern, for this beautiful 15 lb, 12 mos. old baby was “we feel she will do well if you can feed her”. And feed her we have. The little sweetheart has gained 4 lbs since we had her and grown 2 inches. It was never a struggle to feed her, although she came to us only on formula and we introduced her to baby food. They just needed to take some time instead of hanging a bottle in her crib and letting her drink only until she was satisfied. All of the babies, SN or NSN, need our loving homes. If you have a referral…..go as quickly as you can to get them. Don’t wait until you can save more money or that it is a better time in fall, etc… I only say this as that was our thoughts at referral time and thank goodness things didn’t work out on what timeline we would have liked. It is truly amazing what our love does for these children and how they catch up to children, their own age, who weren’t institutionalized and are growing/learning in a normal time frame.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:23 pm
A few more frustrations:
- telling work you are likely to need to take leave, taking on extra responsibility and still uncertain as to when.
- trying to keep a bank of annual leave when you really need a break from it all.
- needing to move house due to lack of space, but not doing so, so it is possible to spend months at home with the new one to allow them to bond and settle and cover medical expenses.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Waiting for years. Regarding your statement of
“CCAA seemingly giving preference to USA adoptions and certain agencies.”
I’m new to this China Adoption adventure what special preference are us from the USA getting? I thought we all had to wait in the enternal line. Please do not read any tone in this question it is just a question.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:06 pm
our matti girl – no anger felt.
CCAA does not allow WC programs with those countries that have govt agencies. So even if you are open to a SN child all along the process you still need to first be approved, then send file and wait to be allocated. And CCAA is not giving a likely timeframe on current wait times.
We are not given any access to the shared WC list or individual lists despite people willing to take these children.
We have families with SNs or NSNs (either), variety of ages/sex logged in the NSN queue who have to wait the NSNS wait for likely a SN child.
We saw singles when eligible in the States take a number and then get their dossiers together whereas here they needed to be approved first before sending file.
We see our referrals are often for older children and many more boys.
We see people referred perhaps repaired SNs (spina bifida, extra fingers etc) children that had to wait the normal NSN queue that were totally not expecting it – OK we see that in the States but perhaps higher here given we don’t have a WC option.
We see people financially short of funds able to return to China to adopt a WC with waived/reduced agency fees and then fund raise to help cover it because they did numerous adoptions within the past 2 years.
We have often seen agencies in the States with a CCAA contact person able to get inside information. In the past we even saw then request specific children to be matched to certain files or sent to certain WC lists and often they were.
OK we just all need to move to the States.. greencard anyone??
July 21st, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Sorry for singles I meant waiting to send your file – all people had to have their dossier complete before sending it.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Thanks Waitingforyears. I had no idea. Thanks for the explanations. Oh by the way your more than welcome to move here.:) Texas is Great!
July 21st, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Rosie I feel that the statement you have made was not a good one. ” When I think of how little her life was worth, to be left on the street at 4 days old.”
Do you really believe that her REAL mother wanted to have to abondon her child? She had to do this because of China’s one child policy.
We are not better then they are to be able to raise their daughters and sons. We are grated a privilage to be able to care for them.
I do understand that the wait is long and I know that I have a long time of waiting ahead. I too am tired of the wait but do understand that their is a beautiful (probably not even born yet or maybe is) baby girl waiting for us on the other side of the world.
I will be honour to raise a child and will hope that the mother can feel it in her heart to know that us as family will love and raise her flesh in blood as our own.
We had been told by our agency that the wait would be 30-33 months, but we see that as untrue for now. Hopefully it will someday speed up. Fingers crossed.
Littleperson647
LID 11-23-07
July 21st, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I know this will not be a popular sentiment, but I am not angry at the CCAA. I can understand why RQ is angry and others that have posted why they are angry. I totally get it. I am sad that my five year old had to be in an SWI for the first year of her life. However, at the same time, I am entirely grateful to the CCAA for uniting me with my two youngest children. I know this is easy for me to say as my DDs were both clearly well taken care of and developmentally on target at adoption. But, it still bothers me that they both had to wait so long to be united with their family. It seems so unfair for any child to wait as long as twinkletoes did….this of course bothers me the most. However, I just cannot lay this completely on the doorstep of the CCAA. For me, there are many issues in other countries that do not support IA that are to blame for this as well. Consider people like waitingforyears who live in countries where the CCAA does not allow WC and where the country she lives in does not change its own laws to facilitate WC adoption (I did not know this either) or those countries who will not allow concurrent adoptions. How on earth is that a child friendly policy? So to me the problem is not just with the CCAA or with the chinese government, the problems with IA are also within the governments in the countries that we live in that do not support a structure that faciliates IA. Homestudies that can take more than 6 months to complete, renewal of paperwork that is expensive and stressful with short durations of re-approval, rigidity regarding concurrent adoptions (the CCAA appears more flexible about this than many countries) all make me really upset and I think also contribute to children languishing in orphanages. And yes, I agree spending an inordinate amount of money on the Olympics at a time when a child goes hungry makes me really unhappy too!! And like AW, I feel so sad for the families still waiting. Its so hard.
Respectfully CTG
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:36 am
dear cab21404 I too am very frustrated with the whole china adoption our lid is 10-11-06 and we too were told that it would take no longer than a year to get our referral. Well here we are almost two years into it with absolutely NO IDEA when to expect our referral. We have heard from our agency numerous times that things will speed up…… well it hasn’t happened yet…. in fact things are slowing down more and more and with the olympics on the way who knows what is to come. We have tried to be patient but it has become unbearable, it sounds like it is your first child, it is our first child too. We are looking into other options out there… we just completed our training to foster-to-adopt in our state and hope that we can have a child in our arms soon. It is just sad that they keep taking people’s money and not telling the truth on what is really going on with the China Adoption program. We should be getting our referrals at the same time, or around the same time we wish you both the best and as frustrating as this has been just hang in there.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:04 am
I have been reading these posts and thinking about this subject before responding. We are still waiting for our four year old NSN son-we got a referral in June but he lives in Beijing so we still have to wait to go and get him. I don’t know what we will find, but I feel no anger even after waiting three years for him. I feel sad for a number of people, most of all our son, but not angry. How can I when I watch American children and the way that they are treated by our system?
An American child can be abused or neglected for five years until they get to school and their kindergarten teacher observes something not quite right. Then they report it, and there is an investigation. The first one probably isn’t conclusive. So it goes on. A year or two later, if the child’s family hasn’t moved, another report is filed, and another investigation that finds evidence of a problem. So social services are offered. A year or two later, if the family hasn’t moved, they fail to achieve results. So the child is removed from the home. They go to an emergency foster home for a couple of days, then to a longer term one before possibly an even longer term situation. In the meantime, their parents are in court to get them back or in counseling to learn parenting skills. A year or two later the child is returned to them. A year or two later evidence shows the same problems as before. The child is removed, goes to an emergency placement, etc. So here we have a child whose life has been filled with abuse and/or neglect and has lived with it for several years and is now so old and problematic that no one wants to adopt him/her. They live with such uncertainty that they suffer from depression, anxiety, learning disabilities, etc., and as a result they live with medications and counseling and continued uncertainty. If they have siblings, they may not be with them.
Now we can adopt them, but our legal system is weighted so heavily on the side of blood relatives that you can adopt this child and love this child and still lose this child to a belated challenge by a blood relative, and even if that doesn’t happen, you might be required to take them to visit relatives who, while important to the child, also failed to protect this child.
Preference will also be given to adoptive parents who can stay at home-important, since the child will have so many needs, but not necessarily possible for the average family.
So we have two very different systems and neither of them is best for the child, but I know which one makes me more angry.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:10 am
We started our China journey in September of 2006.
I am LID of Feb 24th/07. We had our dossier done much before this but Christmas came and went and got in the way of much of our paperwork (not to mention endless gov’t setbacks). When I first joined this group I felt almost embarrassed to post anything for fear of being too “new” in the line. As time rolls on I feel more and more confident that I have something to contribute also. I feel very badly for the countries that cannot do concurrent adoptions, we chose to adopt from Ethiopia also and now have a beautiful 9 month old boy. This adoption did not come without and hardships either including one lost referral for a 3 year old boy that will always be burned into my heart and mind. Our baby boy came with twelve fingers, it is called polydacltyle and it is very common actually I would hardly call that a “special need”. Everyone here deserves their child and every child deserves parents that love them and want them. I still hope and pray every day that our China adoption is not just a dream never to be realized. If I were to be angry at anyone I wouldn’t even know who that should be. Instead, I just hope and pray the seemingly endless wait will end and we will meet our baby.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:26 am
I can’t even feel anger anymore….I’m too exhausted from everything I read, hear and see about China’s one child policy. I have to say this has been the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime.
2qts4me — I agree with you. We are all “trapped” by our agencies.
The standard response from our agency is typically “we can’t speculate on anything” — but what they CAN do, and have been quite successful at is to continue to TAKE people’s emotions, applications and money for a long, long ride. We often look up these international/chinese adoption websites to see if any of them are saying what’s going on with the wait — and we’ve yet to come across any of them being completely honest. I often ask my DH why these agencies don’t stop taking applications for China adoptions? Our best guess is that then their money train would end. We are “older” parents waiting in the never ending que as well — have no children of our own yet — and have felt very mislead by the entire system. Someone mentioned earlier that our country will not let the adoption proceed if they get pregnant. WHY IN THE WORLD NOT? If this is true, and my apologies for not knowing as it doesn’t apply to our specific situation…then our country doesn’t really sound any better than China? Whenever we ask our agency any questions — we are abruptly brushed off. We have looked into other adoption programs and no one will allow for concurrent adoptions. In fact, we have friends in the middle of a domestic adoption and they are also in the situation where there are more prospective parents than babies (Anglo babies, I believe). Hhhhmmmm….something just seems wrong with this process. And this process won’t change unless we insist that it does.
My DH and I wouldn’t be surprised if the China program completely shut down in a few years — which will have meant that we’ve waited and paid financially for nothing. The upside hopefully will be that the “wealthier” Chinese families become, the more they might be able to give these sweet Chinese babies homes where they can grow up and bond with their own culture. I’m all fine with this…but I am not fine with MY life being on hold for some “unknown” reason. Note to Agencies/US Gov: be respectful of us who are playing by the rules and help us get through this process a little easier.
The most confusing issue for us is that we have been told that China will never stop adopting their children out because it’s too big of a money maker for them. But apparently not big enough to deal with the dossier backlog.
And yes, we were mesmerized by the China’s Stolen Children documentary that aired on HBO a couple of nights ago…to think that sonograms have helped China abort an estimated 40,000,000+ little girls since they started using that technology. THIS type of information continues to keep us mentally exhausted and frustrated.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:39 am
We feel very blessed and grateful to have our first daughter. She’s the sunshine in our lives :-) She was very well taken care of in China. And we can’t wait to be blessed a 2nd time (LID Dec. 2006) ! I do feel very sad about the wait (especially my daughter who can’t wait to meet her little sister Emily).
I really hope it won’t go farther than end of 2009 …
R.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:28 am
Since adopting my 2nd, I’ve been dealing with similarly intense emotions, but different ones. My dd was nearly two and had been with a foster family since she was about 3 months old. It was really clear to us that the family would have kept her if there were any way they could have. Their grief was heartbreaking and seeing it ranks right up there with my father’s death in terms of intense experiences of my life. Although they say now that they have seen how well she is doing with us that they are happy about where she is, I struggle with very intense feelings of guilt. Guilt that we get to hold her close and watch her get bigger and stronger everyday. The more powerfully we bond with her and she too us, the more I feel that guilt. This is a strange and unfamiliar experience to me and I wish there were more discussion here of this issue, but maybe my feelings are unusual.
By the way, our dd did suffer delays (though probably not serious) even though she was obviously entirely well cared for. Sometimes delays happen even with the best of care.
I can imagine that I also would feel angry if my dd had suffered from neglect. I might wonder though how much I don’t know about the reasons why, the situation that is so far removed from my own.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:32 am
deegee said: ” Someone mentioned earlier that our country will not let the adoption proceed if they get pregnant. WHY IN THE WORLD NOT?”
They are from a country other than the U.S.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:37 am
Waitingforyears_
I, for one, am guilty of forgetting at times the multinational group that we are here. Thank you for reminding us Americans that, as frustrating as it is for us, many of you from other countries, deal with far more frustrating aspects of this adoption roller coaster.
Forgive us our ethnocentricity.
Laureen
http://www.babysites.com/sites/laureenmary
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:09 am
Also in countries where you can only work through the goverment agency, it can takes a very long time to get your dossier to china in the first place. Here in the Uk, from the inital phone call to DTC it took us 18 months. This is pretty normal and some people wait longer! I sometimes read your comments about getting your documents to china in 6 months and think wow wouldn’t that be nice, it would mean that we would have a DTC of Aug 06 instead of Aug 07… what a nice wish….