As we jump into election overdrive…
As we jump into election overdrive here in the U.S. I’d like to remind everyone of the rule about keeping politics off of the site. That includes the blog and the forum. Because some people are trying to sidestep their way into political discussion, the rules are going to be a bit more strict for a little while.
For the record, any post on this site that mentions the words election, vote, Obama, Biden, McCain, Palin, republican, or democrat will likely get the person moderated on the blog and has a very strong possibility of getting the person banned on the forum. Those aren’t the only things to not talk about though, use your common sense. We are here to talk about adoption and China and raising our children. We are not here for political debate.
I’m not telling anyone how to think about the candidates. As much as I’d like to have this wide audience to try to sway to my way of thinking, that’s not the point of the site so I’m keeping my opinions to myself. I’m keeping my mouth shut because the discord it would cause has no place here. Some would agree with me, some would disagree, and there would be hurt feelings and anger and… it’s not what this site is about. I’m not keeping my mouth shut (or rather, fingers restrained) because I have no opinions, you all know me better than that. I have lots of opinions. But, we are here to talk about adoption and traveling and raising our children, that is what brings us together. There is no need to bring subjects in that will just pull us apart.
If I can keep my political opinions to myself then I expect everyone else can do so as well.
Some examples of recent discussions that are no more: bringing up what it might mean to have someone in the White House with an internationally adopted child (or a VP with a special needs child); what today’s attitudes on unwed mothers are; how the media treats female vs male candidates; how annoying it is to live in a swing state; what one of the potential first ladies wore last night. Those kinds of discussions may not seem terribly partisan, but the ones that were allowed to continue headed in that direction and the ones that were stopped early I’m sure would have headed that way before long. I’m using these examples here to help you understand that we don’t want anything political at all on the site, not even the stuff that slides in through the side door. The mods and I are going to be kind of touchy about anything that even remotely brings up politics at least until the election is over and probably a short time after. If you wonder if it’s political or not then just leave it alone because it probably is. And, if you see something political that makes you itch to respond with an agreement or an opposing view then instead of responding use the “Report this post” feature so a mod can handle it. Please.
There aren’t going to be many warnings given, just bans. If it’s your first ban on the forum then it will be a seven day ban, if not then look through the forum rules to see what the length of your next ban will be. And remember that you need to email me when your time is up so I can turn the ban off. I don’t keep track of your time, you’ll need to do that.
If something comes up that directly impacts adoption or international adoption or the right to become president or something else that might directly affect our children then let me bring it up so we can talk about it, okay? If a candidate comes out saying they think IA is wrong and should be stopped then yeah, we’ll talk about that. Or if a candidate comes out saying they want to make it so that anyone, even those not born in the U.S., can be president, then we’ll talk about that as well. I don’t foresee anything like that happening though, so my guess is that we aren’t going to be talking about the candidates.
At some point after the election is over we will return to enforcing the rules in the normal way. Probably a few weeks afterwards, but it depends on the climate at the time and whether there are recounts and hanging chads and… well, I’ll let everyone know when we go back to the normal rules. I think that once election fever is over we can probably have a calm discussion that is relevant to the parenting portion of our site about some of these things, but it does not appear to be possible in the current environment.
If you need a reminder of the rules I suggest you check out the following links:
Blog Rules for Commenting
Blog FAQ
Forum Rules
Forum FAQ
One final note: I’ve seen a few political ads show up. I’m not putting them there and you should not assume they reflect my political views. You should also not assume they are fair game to talk about.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Canadians are in overdrive now too for the same reason. We’ll just finish up before our friends to the south.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I agree. We need to support each other. We all have one important thing in common, we love our kids and want them home. I can’t wait until Oct. Hoping for progress. LID 1-07
September 8th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
September 8th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I agree with you 100%. We’re here to support each other on our Adoptions/China & Children. LID 8-8-06
September 8th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Any plans to post a similar statement on the forum, not everyone reads the blog……………………….
September 8th, 2008 at 10:17 am
I should of said reminder, the rules have always been there.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Thanks!
September 8th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Well all, I guess this is the end of the road for our family. I have only ever posted one other comment to this site but it has been my life line for the past several years!! We have been at our adoption for more than four years now starting in South Korea and lots of road blocks.(you can all empathize I know) My hubby at long last said “I am done” We were in the thick of updating everything for the 100th time! We are LID 3/23/06 We are OH SO CLOSE but we are military and he is gone within the US at the moment but then heading to the sandbox. We are preparing to be without him for the next two years roughly. So now we are at a loss wondering if this was God’s plan for our family. Only time will tell. My heart grieves at the thought of making this decision as I never EVER thought it would be one we would have to make. My husband and I have always been on the same page but now he feels as though the timing isn’t right anymore. My own mother is saying the same very thing as well!! Any thoughts or advice from you all would be very comforting in this trying time. I feel like our exciting, journey may be coming to a very disappointing end…
September 8th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Just love you, RQ. You have such a tough job being our mommy sometimes! <3
September 8th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Good rule!
September 8th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Hang in there dvszymanski! Perhaps something else is coming around the corner for you…
Not sure where to post this, but I happened to run across an article on the main Yahoo page that said just one earthquake orphan (a boy) has been adopted so far. Here’s the link…
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080908/ap_on_re_as/china_quake_orphan
KrissyJ
September 8th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Thank you RQ! I have mighty strong opinions myself and I dreaded to see things come to blows on this site.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
To Dvszymanski…My husband and I are in the same boat. We are now both in therapy to help us mend our broken hearts. We are both infertile and do not have any children. When we finally looked over our options, we decided to choose adoption and chose China Adoption. Our agency representative said 9-12 months. Our LID is 1/22/07, needless to say at current pace we are projected for the year 2013.
I am tired. I am getting near the end of my emotional rope and chose to go to therapy as I am at the point of ‘being done”. We have turned in our application for SN. We were going NSN in hopes to get twins. I take anti-anxiety meds and thus under new guidelines unable to adopt again. We were never against SN and so we have done so. I have my heart on a little one and it is a long shot. I prayed that if it was meant to be she will be ours if not I am done. I can not hold on any longer. The vision is fading quickly.
I will be 40 in January and I have spent most of my 30′s chasing this dream. In a few months I will know more and I have told my husband I will give it until January 2009, but no news I am backing out. It just sucks! I will need to find other ways to fulfill my nuturing needs.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Dvszymanski, is it possible to put your paperwork on hold for a bit? I know it sounds crazy to want to wait longer, but if your dossier is held for a little then maybe the timing will work out for you – maybe it can coincide with when your husband’s tour is over . Good luck and peace to you whatever you decide.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I really feel bad for all of you abandonning the program. Big hugs to you all. I think a lot of people are holdin’ out until beginning of 2009 …
R.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
DebL,
your post made me cry. We are in the same boat too. LID 1-07. Went through infertility for yrs, and were told a one yr. wait. I know exactly how you feel. It helps me to know there are others out there too. I am glad you are waiting until January to make such a big decision. Things might get better by Oct./Nov. I think everyone has to make their own decision on the emotional toll this takes. We are taking classes in Nov. to adopt an older child or sibling group. Many children are legally free for adoption. This is a different process than foster care or a legal risk placement(the parental rights are not terminated yet, and a birth parent or family member can take them back.) Just an option to consider. You probably would need to finish therapy and stop taking the anxiety meds. to adopt here in the U.S. but I am really not sure. I know you have to be off meds. for 2 yrs. for China. I wish you the very best of luck. I think all people should be able to be parents when the desire is sooo great.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
RayRDT…I think the program in many ways abandoned us. Not sure if it is the same for domestic adoption, but international adoption the only business that a prospective parent has no power. You can complain to your agency, to your government to the host government, but if you do you may pay for it in the end. Not to mention the emotional ‘hit’ you take w/ every dangle of a rumor or any hint of a change. It is almost a form of emotional torture.
September 8th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
dvszymanski and debt, I feel for you. We have been trying to adopt, with many roadblocks, for 10 years. Domestic, foster, and now international. This is our last hope. I am 46 and I know we probably won’t get our child until I am at least 47 and my husband 56. All I can say is hang in there. We have thought about jumping ship many times. We even wrote a letter but never sent it to our agency. IT just seems like every time we think about getting out, something happens to encourage us to stay in.
Perhaps sn is the way to go. Not all medical issues are serious. But is does take some serious thought. It’s not for us because we are older and we just feel that we couldn’t handle a potentially serious medical issue but for a younger couple (I now consider 40 younger….) It may be an option. But you guys have to decide. Don’t let anyone pressure you. IT’s your lives.
Dvszymanksi, maybe after your husband gets back, the international adoption situation will be better? Just trying to give you some hope in a seemingly hopeless situation.
DBT, therapy is a good idea. It’s such an emotional time. It’s good to have someone help you sort everything out.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
September 8th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Thank you. I am so relieved to be reminded of this. Just today I read something about a retiring store clerk that was popular with both sides when they came through our state, and she said something like, just remember that we are all friends and this shouldn’t come between reasonable people.
I actually got on today to see if you had posted anything about a Yahoo! article I read. It says that one orphan has been adopted since the quakes-a 10 year old boy-and that 88 children were deemed eligible for adoption while the rest have gone to live with relatives.
September 8th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I agree with you DebL :-(
R.
September 8th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
To the many parents and parents to be:
This journey started as an exciting one for many of us!! The journey continues…and continues… way beyond what any of us expected. I have said it many times that this web site has been a life line for many of us and continues to be…even after the journey. For all those parents to be…hang in there. Really think things through before letting go of China….thinking of you all as this is not an easy decision to make.
Signed with hope for all..
September 8th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Thanks RQ – but I am afraid someone will get banned for asking their friends in the forum to “vote” in a poll about what they should name their daughter!!! LOL
:-p
September 8th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
dvszymanski,
My husband and I are in the same boat, kind of. He is in the sandbox for the 3rd time now, due to come home in January. We are LID 3/1/06. We have planned for me to travel alone twice now with two deployments happening when we thought we would be traveling. Now it looks like he’ll actually make it back home before we get our referral or at least before we travel! So many ups and downs during this roller coaster ride over the last 3 years, but we are hanging in there. We are updating for the third time — thankfully we paid for our first “extension” so at least we’re able to squeak in under the old rules and not have to worry about all our times living overseas.
I just believe that our daughter (who will most likely be our only child) is in China and I don’t want to give up on her or us! For us, it’s been such a long and hard road that I just can’t imagine giving up now, but I know everyone has to decide for themselves. I feel for you, and want you to know you’ll be in our prayers to make the decision that is right for your family.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
DebL,
Forty sounds so young to me! I hate to see you give up. I can’t speak to the mental torture except to say you could mentally put it aside as if you had physically done so, then you would still be surprised with a referral someday. If necessary, write that letter to your agency asking that your dossier be pulled, then don’t mail it.
I remember a Dear Abby or Ann Landers column when someone said she wanted to go to law school but would be 40 when she got out three years later. The response? How old will you be in three years if you DON’T go to law school? Yes, time marches on, but if you want it, stick with it. Even if you wait six years for your baby, you’ll still be younger than I am, and I’m considering another adoption.
I can’t tell you if it’s emotionally worth it during the wait, but it sure is at the end! If you can make peace with no children for the rest of your life, then try to make peace with it for a couple more years first.
Sorry if I’m being too intrusive. It is your decision, afterall, but I would like to encourage you not to give up on your dream if age is what is concerning you. And if thinking about the wait is hard, thinking about the alternative would seem much tougher to me.
You sound like you have a lot to offer a child, and I hope you get that chance!
September 8th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
DebL – my DH was 42 when we finally traveled to China for our sweet DD and he thinks his life is in full force and is full of energy to be a great dad to her. He would tell you that 40 is really just a number – and our DD is our first after being married 12 years. Good luck to you.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Dear waitingforlaurali
We are so much in the same boat as you and your DH. We are exactly the same age….and we are hesitant about special needs for the same reasons. This will be our first child. (well, DH has two grown, but I have none) We are in Atlanta, where are you?
Susan
Atlanta
September 9th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Prayter: We are in Vermont. It’s so nice to hear from other couples who are in our age bracket. So often it seems that everyone is younger than us.
When is your LID?
September 9th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Prayter and waitingforlaurali –
We too are in your age range. What a way to go into our middle years! We have our two beautiful DDs home (in Feb 04 and Jan 08) and are moving in fast forward. Life is much different (and for the most part better) than when it was just the two of us.
Remember that going NSN has no guarantees too. We were not expecting (or prepared?) for a child with a SN, and that’s what happened with our second NSN DD. We have found that life goes on, and we continue to adjust our lives to meet our children’s needs.
All the best.
GD
September 9th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Grasshopperdreams, wow, this is great! We should form our own support group! Over 40 parents.
I should mention that we do not have children. This will be our first. Totally different lifestyle awaiting us!
Yes, I agree that you take your chances in any international program, sn or nsn but the chances in the nsn program are lower for adopting a child who may have severe special needs. The translation from Chinese to American is not always accurate and when you are dealing with a child who already has sn, this can be even more risky.
However, I totally agree that just because a child has special medical needs, this does not have to be the focus of their and your lives. I’ve heard some wonderful stories from parents who have adopted sn children. So I would encourage people to go that route but just be prepared. You may not get all the information and you may not be prepared to handle a potentially life-long medical issue.
Anyway, that’s my two cents. Glad to know our little over 40 group is out there!
September 9th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
The age does not have anything to do with my current situation. I guess when you have chased something for 10 years and then to think it is very possible that the wait will be another 4 years or longer, there comes a time where you just can’t live in limbo. Than you start to question if you were meant to be a mom….maybe this is wishful thinking. Emotionally I don’t know if I have it in me to continue to wait years. I also don’t have the stamina to go into another direction….I am just tired.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
While we seem to be on the subject of age, I’m just wondering what the average age is of those of us on this list. When I first signed on with China, I was under the impression that prospective China parents tended to be “older”. When I recently complained to my social worker that I’m getting old waiting this long (I’m 43!), she said that she has another client who is 48, and that I’m about average for the China program. Incidentally, my husband is 44, almost 45. We originally requested an infant, but with the wait going on and on, it looks like we’ll both be over 44/45 when it goes thru. Does anyone know if we’ll automatically get a toddler then? Do they “grandfather” people in since the wait has increased so much? Do any of you know of people who’ve gotten an infant when one or both parents are over 45? Don’t get me wrong, I will be happy with a toddler too, but I admit to being a bit angry that we might be forced into changing our plans for an infant because the wait got so long. Had the wait remained relatively stable, we would’ve both been under 44 when the adoption was completed. Sorry, just rambling on. This wait is just gets to me sometimes, and it can make me very crabby!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
We were 41 & 39 when logged in and 43 & 41 when we went to China. Hang in there you older parents! We were the youngest in our group – I’m not kidding.
Here’s what I do – I dye my hair with a great stylist. You are as old as you feel, believe me – having a two year old will keep you busy and young.
Our DD was 18 months at Family day. I went through a split second moment the day we got the call when I learned we were not getting an infant. But, we got the exact child we were meant to have. I’d adopt another toddler in a heartbeat.
We will consider domestic foster/adopt for our second adoption because IA seems so unstable and we don’t trust what the agencies are saying anymore. Sorry.
Too bad we don’t talk about foster/adopt more. People really defend IA and China especially. But after China we realize that their are lots of ways to build a family. And you don’t get scrutinized for your meds or financial status in the foster/adopt system. There are so many kids that need homes and it may seem daunting, but forever families are built this way. And, you get to be someone special for a child in need if the situation is temporary.
Good Luck to everyone… don’t give up your dream of having a family.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
The ages of parents and referred childen are a guideline, not set in stone. A child’s age is also influence by the size of your agency’s referral group, the available children at referral time, and your traits used by the matchers to match you to your child (pictures, birth dates, etc.)
I was 46 and DH 53 when we received our referral for an 8 month old girl in November 2007. Younger parents in our group were matched with older children. I believe we were matched with this child because her birthday is one day before DH’s; DH thinks that is ridiculous. We will never really know…
GD
September 12th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Our LID is 10/7/06 and we are waiting to adopt our second baby girl from China. Our daughter is now eight and a half and was 12 months old when we adopted her in February 2001. I was 52 at the time and my husband was 36. I have two grown sons from a prior marriage, but my husband has no other children and was never married before.
We certainly didn’t anticipate this long a wait for daughter number 2, but daughter number 1 REALLY wants a little sister. We haven’t pulled the plug yet, but I do sometimes wonder if we should, given that I’ll be 60 and my husband will be 44 in 2009.
By the way, I don’t look my age and having a young child really does keep you young. We have requested an infant again and our agency tells us that my age does not necessarily mean that we will be given a toddler. We’ll see; I’ll be happy either way.
My daughter is the most wonderful girl in the world. It’s so amazing that you can go across the globe and be given the PERFECT child for your family.
I’d encourage those of you who are thinking of backing out, to just try to relax and enjoy your life as it is right now. When your referral time is near, you can always back out then if that seems like the right thing to do at that point in your life.
Take care,
SL
September 29th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
My comment is totally unrelated to the original comment – I am responding to the folks who have been waiting way, way too long to hold their child in their arms. Your posts brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know if this will encourage or discourage you, but I want to tell you what happened to us — and to give a long-overdue thanks to RQ in the process. We were almost ready to submit our China dossier in the fall of 2005 after about a year of work on it, when we got wind of the lengthening delays — a friend who had just rec’d her referral actually turned us on to RQ’s site! — and we reluctantly decided to change country programs. We felt — as some have noted here — that we were almost leaving a family member behind. We grieved. Our agency (about whom we have NO complaints) recommended at the time that we either try their Vietnam or Korea programs and also consider a Waiting Child. (Who knew at the time the changes that would come in the Vietnam program, but that’s another story…) Long story short, we traveled to India to pick up our beautiful daughter earlier this year (she was a year and half old at the time). She was meant to be ours, and it was a winding, improbable road that brought her home to us. We can’t imagine life without her. We would love to adopt again, and again, and again, but we are having the same mental/emotional process that many of you describe. How many years would it take? What would that wait do to our family? What would the age diff be between our youngest (she is now 2-1/2) and a new child by the time we finally brought him/her home? How old would we be, and at what point do you say that having a(nother) child just wasn’t meant to be? We aren’t ready to stop, but we can see that point from here. I pray that the folks with the power see the light and remove the roadblocks…ojala…