Sibling stuff
I’ve talked before about my favorite parenting book, Siblings Without Rivalry
And that makes perfect sense. I completely agree with the authors.
But in real life? It’s hard.
One of my girls excels at anything logic based. She tests well above the genius level in that area. But that daughter can’t draw or paint or do anything creative. Well, she can, but she’s not doing it anywhere near what is expected at her age.
And the other daughter? Is slightly behind where she should be on logic based stuff, but can draw and paint and create at what is expected three or four years beyond her age.
TwinkleToes hasn’t picked up on this yet. But Glittergirl realizes that there is something that she’s not very good at, and that her little sister can do it almost as good as she can.
And, beyond that, TT is definitely better at memorizing things on the fly than GG is. When I’m drilling GG on things during the morning car ride (we do this on test days) and she’s stumped and TT pipes up with the answer? It really (really, really) bothers Glittergirl. That one we’ve actually dealt with another way, and I’ll talk about that in another post (has to do with auditory vs visual learning).
But, back to the natural talent stuff, what I’ve done for now is against what the Siblings Without Rivalry
And when family members try to define them I speak up and say “They are both smart, and they are both creative. Some things may come easier than other things, but there is no reason they both can’t be both things.
Some days I’m sure I’m screwing them up. But, I’m doing the best I can, and I have to hope that will be enough.
November 17th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
RQ, I think we always worry that we will screw up our kids. I can definitely empathize with you. I have 2 boys, 11 and 13. My older son is brilliant but really has to struggle to get good grades because he also has to deal with ADD. His brilliance doesn’t come through with tests, but, for example, he figured out the food chain and verbalized it beautifully at 2 (and declared himself a vegetarian). But things seem to come easier for my younger son – he whips through homework, gets the same grades as his older brother with little effort and is the star athlete. To add insult to injury – this summer he passed his older brother in height and shoe size. Sigh. It has been a challenge to keep the rivalry to a low roar. However, I have used a similar explanation to your comments to GG when talking with both of them. People do have different talents and choose to focus on some more than others. It’s our choices, talent and determination that make us unique. It seems to have helped a bit here too…. good luck!
November 17th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Okay, so now I’m going to order the book. I’ve been talking about it for two years and although we don’t have a sibling yet, I’m intrigued. Thanks for sharing your experiences and insights.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Thanks RQ!
We were always defined by what we could not do in our house. “She’s the bad speller.” “She can’t draw.” “She can’t hit a baseball.” Etc.
It always made me very uncomfortable to try anything new, because I was afraid to be the “One who can’t do X.” It wasn’t until I was an adult and had a friend ask me why didn’t I do “Y”. I answered “Well I probably won’t be able to do it.” The friend just gave me a weird look and talked me into trying. Turns out…I excell at it!
RQ, Thanks again, a whole bunch, for posting that info. I have sworn that I will do my best not to define my child by what she can or can’t do.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I think that’s the best take to have, RQ. Young kids are so smart and literal it would be foolish to ignore there are very real differences in natural talent and abilities… but like you said, that doesn’t mean someone can’t do something they don’t have a natural gift in… it means they have to work harder at it!
November 18th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I think love and caring goes a long way. Daily I see kids who are mistreated or neglected. Yesterday, a former 8th grade grad came in with her new 4 pound early term baby…all smelling of smoke. No doubt they love the new bundle, but the way we would hope? I don’t know. What I do know after 24 years in education, dealing with parents, social workers and specialists, there are no sure fire answers. Providing a safe, nurturing, and stimulating environment if a great beginning. Sounds like you are doing an wonderful job with your girls!
November 18th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I don’t mean to hijack the post, but this is an article that has stats on the number of adoptions. 2008 China adoptions come in at 3909, down from a peak of 7906 in 2005. (Not sure what the fiscal year is – maybe ending October?)
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hpcgfbD11-q-IduwC31ZJH6O0FrgD94GUUKG0
November 18th, 2008 at 10:05 am
This isn’t related to this post, but it’s important enough I wanted to put it here rather than just in the forum.
Adoption – Statistics
All statistics given correspond with the U.S. Government fiscal year, which begins on October 1 and ends on September 30. For example: Adoption statistics for 2008 = Number of adoptions from October 1, 2007 – September 30, 2008.
Detailed Adoption Information From China To The United State:
The Total Adoptions from CHINA from 1998 to 2008 is: 60236
Fiscal Year Total Adoptions
1998 4243
1999 4108
2000 5058
2001 4705
2002 4677
2003 6857
2004 7038
2005 7903
2006 6492
2007 5453
2008 3254
remove spaces:
www. adoption . state. gov/ news/ StarCountryData .php?country = China
adoption .state. gov/ news / world_map. html
November 18th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
RQ, I love how you work things out. I also think there is a difference between defining someone by what they do and acknowledging that some people may excel at some (or many) things, while others need to work harder. We are all more than our particular talents and skills. I think you are really on to something when you encourage your children to participate in things that might not be their strongest talents. It builds character, and makes people much more interesting.
November 18th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
There’s actually a lot of creativity in logic, it’s just different than the creativity in drawing, painting, etc. And there is a lot of logic in drawing, painting, etc but it’s expression in that medium is different than in others.
Perhaps rather than talk to your girls about who they are (smart, creative, etc.) you can talk about how they express these aspects differently. I think maybe that is what the book is trying to get at.
Michael Jordan was a fantastic basketball player so it would be easy to say at his core he is a superior athlete. But when he tried to express it in baseball that excellence didn’t come through as well as it did in basketball. His athleticism was designed to be expressed in basketball. He is a superior athlete and was “good” at baseball. He was great at basketball. Being less great at baseball didn’t make him not a great athlete.
I think the point is to try to open our minds to the possibilities of what we CAN do if we don’t label ourselves or our kids. If I tell myself I’m not athletic, then maybe I end up sloppy in all my physical expressions. If I tell myself I express physical discipline and skills in other areas like eating right, weeding, even being able to sit at a computer all day, then I end up with a more positive view of myself as a whole.
Just some randome thoughts anyway. Good topic.