Adult Adoptee Writings – The Conclusion
I’ll start things with a few links I have that didn’t make it into any of the previous posts on the subject:
Renaming as cultural erasure
The Angelina bashing didn’t do much for me, but once you get to the meat of what she’s saying, it’s something I’ve heard before from lots of other adoptees. And this isn’t the only article about her name she’s written, here is another one. I’ve said before that my daughters came to me with only a few things: their name, their birthday, the clothes they were wearing. I didn’t feel I had the right to take any of those things from them. I know a lot of families feel a birthday is wrong and attempt to get it changed to accurately show the child’s age, but whether it is right or wrong, it was given to them before I came along and it’s not something I would feel I had a right to change (yeah, if there was evidence it was years off then I might try to change the year, but I would leave the day the same). Same with their name, it’s not something I felt I had a right to take away. Many adoptees have this thing where they say “also known as”, and when I see some of them write about it, it tears my heart out. My girls have their original name within their current legal name, they aren’t “also known as”, they are “known as”. And while GG rarely uses her Chinese name (and used my middle name for a short time when she didn’t want a Chinese name), she chose to use a part of the Chinese portion of her name when deciding on an email address to use. She’s proud of her whole name now, even if she does think her sister has a better Chinese name. (Hey, that one is not my fault. :)
Twenty-Three Things This Korean-Adoptee Thought About as a Child
Someone pointed to this in the comments the other day and I made a note since I felt it should go in an article.
My Life After Adoption
And finally, a story of an adult adoptee who became a birthmother. We talk about the Triad, this gives two sides of it, and I felt it worth pointing to.
And now for some of my thoughts. The purpose of the series was to give everyone a different perspective, the perspective of the adopted child. I have barely scratched the surface of what is out there, and I did not touch any of the really rough stuff. I did not point to any of the truly angry vitriol that is out there. Part of me thinks I should have, if you never ride in coach you don’t appreciate first class, right? And if you don’t read the truly angry writings then you’ll think the writings that are just talking about it are angry. But, I don’t think there is that much to learn from the acidic stuff at this point. I think I showed the perspective(s) I was hoping to show with the blogs and articles I’ve pointed to.
Finally, I want to give an example that is happening in our home right now. I would not talk about this kind of thing if I weren’t anonymous, but since no one knows who GlitterGirl is in real life, I can.
One recent morning as I was helping GG with her hair (I don’t let her handle the curling iron yet) she claimed I was hurting her and burst into tears. I immediately realized this wasn’t about hair, so I pulled her into my lap and asked her what was wrong. She was crying so hard she could barely breathe, much less talk. I handed TT off to RK with instructions of what she was to wear that day, and then took GG to my bed and held her until she stopped crying enough to talk. She told me she had a bad dream, I encouraged her to talk to me about it. She said she dreamed that the police came and took her and TT away.
You need a bit of history here. Two pieces, actually. The first is that GG often brings things to me in the guise of a “bad dream”. This way she gets to talk about what is troubling her without actually owning it. I’m okay with that and I play along. The second piece of information you need is that there has recently been a news story that GG saw while at my parent’s house. In this news story there was a lot of coverage of a big police bust on a criminal ring. When the bust happened there were children present and the news coverage showed the kids (from the back) being put in a police car to keep them safe until they could get them to a social worker somewhere. My mom told me at the time it bothered GG, and that my mom tried to explain what had happened, and she said she emphasized that the kids weren’t in trouble and they would be okay.
So when GG first came to me with the “bad dream” I handled it from the perspective of explaining why police might take kids from their parents. I explained the type of abuse that usually had to happen, and then I explained about endangering their kids by doing illegal things around them. I also pointed out that since both parents were going to jail, the police couldn’t leave the kids there by themselves, they had to find someone else to take care of them. I assured her the police can’t take kids away from parents who take care of their kids (and who can stay out of jail), and that she and her sister are taken care of really well by society’s standards, and the police could not take her or her sister from us (or take us from them, either). I spoke with the idea in the back of my mind that this might be an adoption thing, but I didn’t want to take it there without knowing for sure. I didn’t want to make it about adoption when I had evidence it wasn’t about adoption, it was just a kid who saw something on the news and needed some assurance it couldn’t happen to her.
A few days later we had a repeat of the tears in the morning and the same bad dream. I decided then that this might be an adoption thing and I should address it as such. So on top of a quick review of why the police might take kids from their parents, and assurances they couldn’t take her or her sister, I told her that sometimes kids who were adopted worry about that kind of thing more than kids who weren’t adopted, and we talked a little about why that might be. About how kids who were adopted know that once upon a time they didn’t have parents to call their own, they didn’t have people who loved them more than anything in the world to take care of them. That for some reason their birth family couldn’t take care of them and they ended up in an orphanage. And that, for those kids, since it’s already happened once, the possibility of it happening again probably seems a little more real than it might to someone who has always been safe in the arms of people who love them so very very much. So then we talked about how her brain might understand that we are her family now and she’s pretty much stuck with us forever, but that maybe her heart isn’t convinced that she’s always going to have family to take care of her. At this point she started crying again, and I realized I’d hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, the best advice I could come up with at that point was that her head’s got it right and we need to figure out a way to convince her heart.
My point here is that I argued with myself about whether to take this off into the realm of adoption. I knew there was a possibility this was adoption related, but I also realized there was a possibility it had nothing to do with being adopted, that she saw it on TV and was concerned. I didn’t want to make it about adoption if it wasn’t, it felt like borrowing trouble. But I’ve read enough from adult adoptees that I realized when she brought it up again that I had to take the chance and address it from that perspective. There’s that word again – perspective. Without the perspective I gained from reading what adult adoptees have to say, I would not have handled it this way. I would not have wanted to acknowledge that she felt that way without her first telling me she did. I would not have wanted to take the chance on planting an idea that wasn’t already there. Kid are suggestible and you have to be careful what you suggest. But once I acknowledged it, I knew I had been right to do so.
She lost a family once and she’s afraid of it happening again.
If I hadn’t acknowledged it, she’d be alone with that thought, thinking no one understood.
And that is what this series has been about. Not about thinking “you’re darned if you and and you’re darned if you don’t”. Not about making you feel bad for adopting (or wanting to adopt). It’s about showing you a perspective different from your own so that hopefully someday you can understand something from your child’s perspective that you otherwise may not have.
I thank all of the adult adoptees who checked in with us and made their own comments here on the site. Your blogs and articles and comments were and are much appreciated.
Writings of Adult Adoptees Series
1. The Writings of Adult Adoptees – Tai Dong Huai
2. Adult Adoptee Book Recommendations
3. Adult Adoptee Articles from InformedAdoption.com
4. Adult Adoptee Writings from Anti Racist Parent
5. Adult Adoptee Blogs – Harlow’s Monkey
6. More from Adult Adoptees – Adoption Survivor
7. Adult Adoptee Writings – Going back
8. Adult Adoptees – The Men
9. Adult Adoptee Writings – The Conclusion
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
I posted this comment on another thread, but I don’t think anyone’s reading it anymore, so I’ll repeat it here! My daughter just turned three and I had been reading these conversations and these blogs and thinking that it was hard to reconcile some of the feelings expressed by the adult adoptees with my happy, bubbly, little girl who (for now) seems to have such a complete sense of belonging in our family. Then, tonight, my daughter asked to look at her life book. We read the page about her birth mother and she asked “where is the picture of her?” I explained to her that we don’t have a picture of her birth mother and her little face crumbled and she said, near tears, “I don’t even have a picture of her!” Had I not been reading these blogs this week, I may have tried to minimize her sorrow or “make it better.” Instead, I tried to empathize as best I could, and acknowledged her feelings and her loss. It brought home to me the DEPTH of her loss, which she is apparently already starting to process, at three.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
I too feel there is much to be learned from those who walked my daughters walked. Some good bad, some not. But any road map is better than none at all.
I also am quite capable of not making it all about adoption.
My girl is only 3 but even sleeping stuff and seperation. First I focus on “typical” and then take it up a level.
Sometimes it has been typical and sometimes it has needed to go up a level. Nice to have the perspective to deal. I can only imagine it gets harder, so more important to have the perspective.
What is the saying. When you know better you do better.
Hope GG finds a way, to get her heart to believe…………..But I am sure she is in good hands.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
Oh and once again, thanks for the legwork on some valuable perspectives……………….
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I saw a speaker once who was a school SW and he had been adopted as a child.
He said we worry a lot if something is typical kid stuff or adoption-related and the majority of time the answer is both.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
RQ – are you children’s legal first names their Chinese names?
DH and I were planning on using DD’s chinese name as a middle name….
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
RQ,
You’re totally not alone. My daughter does the same thing. OFTEN. I have concluded that she’s more sensitive than others to all kinds of things partly due to her adoption but also since she remembers her life before she became my daughter. Most times she’s the typical american kid but there’s a depth to her (thanks for using that word lovemygirls!) emotions that goes way beyond her age. She has a past that has affected her outlook on things and I cannot change that past but only help her thru the current and prepare her for the future. We are handling things as we go along, always alert to the context of the underlying reason for the question. With her, almost always there’s a connection to adoption/family/heritage.
She has already expressed the desire to change her appearance so that she can look like me because I am her mom. She’s grappling with the concepts of her being Chinese and me being caucasian, She’s acutely aware she’s often the only asian in a classroom, that the others are not like her, She doesnt understand if she’s chinese why we arent living in China; struggling with the idea that she didnt grow in my tummy but someone else’s and where is that person? who is she? what does she look like? And Why? how? and you can read the turmoil on her face as she tries to understand. It’s gut wrenching….and its happened at an age thats years younger than I was expecting.
I suspect for our family these conversations surrounding adoption will continue and evolve for the rest of our lifetime. So thank you for posting this series of posts. They have been both educational and informative, challenging and re-affirming at the same time.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Noendinsight – Their Chinese names are incorporated into their new legal names.
The names they are called in everyday life are American names. After reading things written by not just international adoptees but also first generation Chinese who grew up with a Chinese name as well as those who grew up with an American name, we decided the name our girls would be called, the one used by friends and family and teachers and classmates, by would be an American name.
That being the case, they hear their Chinese names still. One of my girls was called by the name they gave her, another was called by a nickname based on the name they gave her. They both still hear these names on a pretty regular basis. Kind of another term of affection – hard to explain, but we’ve made it work.
And, of course, when they are in trouble they get to hear all of their names from beginning to end. GG once told me she knows how much trouble she’s in by how many names I use at once.
They associate themselves with all of their names. I did my best to give new without taking away the old. I’ll leave it up to them to decide if we succeeded or not.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I just read the naming story. I agree. After you get through all the anger issues there is really important issues to consider. And perhaps one of the FIRST issues we as PAPs face. Many of us name our children long before we travel or even get a referral.
Important stuff to consider, and the long term affects.
I’m also glad she indicates that this is her perspective not THE right or correct perspective. I know one adult adoptee who has the exact opposite perspective.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Thanks RQ.
I’ve heard of adult adoptees who will not ever use their Korean names, while others legally change them and drop their American names.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I have a friend who adopted 2 DD’s from China give me one bit of advice about our upcoming adoption – “Keep her original name, it can be her middle name, but keep it.” Her DD, now almost 13, got very upset that a newly adopted baby in their community was renamed something entirely new, dropping her Chinese name. She asked her mom why the parents would do that, saying “don’t they know how special that is?”
Moonpie
3/21/06
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Our daughter has two middle names, Xiu, her Chinese name that was used in the orphanage, and May, a family middle name. She hears her Chinese name daily, because her nickname has become Shae Xiu May Xiu! She can’t ever decide to drop her Chinese middle name, because then her name would be Shae May and that just sounds dumb! It won’t hurt our feelings if she decides to drop the “May” name someday. We just stuck it in there because her sisters (bio) have family middle names and we didn’t want her to feel left out. I do think it’s important that she continue to hear her Chinese name and she knows that the nannies called her “Xiu Xiu.”
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
In the second link about names – the author seems to be suggesting that we shouldn’t use our surname because it does not sound Asian (based on the fact that she had to deal with questions about having a Swedish last name when she looked Asian). I actually am not opposed to using my child’s Asian last name as her actual last name here. But will it be confusing to her? Will she think I didn’t really feel she is part of our family?
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
RQ – I have a comment about your feeling that a parent should never change the child’s birthdate. You might feel differently if your child remembered her abandonment – this makes for a very difficult and unhappy birthday every year (abandonment date = orphanage-assigned birthdate). We elected to change the day and year (it was off 2+ years) – of course we still acknowledge “finding day” – but that has a very different tone than “birthday”. Our DD’s birthday is now the day she was “born” into our family – a much happier day for her. Every family’s circumstance is unique.
February 3rd, 2009 at 3:01 pm
We sent in our daughter’s full name to our adoption agency last week that name will go on the papers we get when we leave China. We decided to give her bolth the name we had been calling her all these years Norah Grace and keep her Chinese name as her middle name. She is almost four and may not want to be called Norah, or she may be excited about it now, but want to use her Chinese name when she get older. It is hers to use as she decides. P.S. We travel next mouth to get Norah.
Glen
http://2china4norah.blogspot.com
February 3rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
It is common to many faiths to take on a new name as a symbol of change. I cannot think of more change than international adoption.
Possibly these children would look upon the name change differently if this symbolic value was explained, rather than them coming up with their own reasons why it shouldn’t have been done.
The bulk of the China adoptees are girls and most likely will “lose” the last names from their adoptive parents if they get married. Any child that cares enough about losing their Chinese name, should be able to understand this as well with and explanation & discussion.
February 3rd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Well, as an adoptee it was important for me to keep even the last name that adopted parents gave me. I kept my maiden name because it was another connection to my adoptive family-it was important for me to have some sort of connection after I was married. So I completely understand why kids would treasure their Chinese names. My kids’ Chinese names are their middle names and we use them often.
February 3rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
We have struggled with the naming discussion ourselves. We have decided to translate her name, and then give her a name that means that in English (ex: if her name means bird, then we’ll name her Ava).
In terms of last name… our last name is Chinese, VERY Chinese, and I am white. I CONSTANTLY deal with suprised looks when my name is called and people are shocked when they see a white woman stand up. And you know what, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It took a while to get used to, and I am still adjusting, but I love having my hubby’s name.
Like other posts have, I am sure your child will love having your last name – whether it’s Asian or Swedish, because it means they are a member of the family.
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I gave my DD the same name as my Step-grandmother (my grandfather’s second wife) with whom I had a very special relationship. The name had meaning in terms of my family about family not having to be about biological ties. I also kept her two names given by the orphanage. In the first few months i used her Chinese names all the time in every way I knew she may have been called i.e. full 2 names in Mandarin and in Cantonese, and the diminutives. She didn’t seem to be at all interested or responsive to any of the names. So I began using the name I had given her more and more. However at the same time I was frequently patting myself and saying “Mummy” and she would seem to copy me. Then one day she patted my arm and said “Mamma” and then patted herself and said the word I had thought was “Mummy” more carefully and I realized that what she was actually saying was “Mei Mei” – When I realized and repeated it back to her she smiled the hugest smile of relief. She was 10 months when I adopted her and had been living with a wonderful foster family who had an older daughter so naturally she had bee called Mei Mei. She was about 14 months when I finally twigged to what she had been trying to tell me. I think it is the name that gives her the greatest sense of continuity and is definetly the name she wishes to be called. 6 years later she is now known everywhere as Mei Mei and I am going to take steps to have that name included legally as her name as well.
She is not at all interested in the name i gave her at this stage, and her Chinese names are talked about frequently but not really used.
I tell this story to remind people to listen to hear what your child might be calling themselves, even the babies. I understand the wish to give your child a name that brings them into the family as part of your attachment process and for some that may be the most appropriate thing to do but in our case I feel our attachment has greatly deepened by my respecting her wish to keep this name as hers.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:11 pm
RQ your experience with your daughter closely mirrors what happened this week with my six year old daughter. She was crying in her bed at 1AM and I went in to comfort her. It was the soulful crying, so deep and so despondent. She said she had a nightmare about Mommy and Daddy. I said it was just a dream and comforted her until she fell asleep again. But, the next day I asked if she remembered the nightmare.
She said that she had a dream that a lady was carrying her away from her family FOREVER AND EVER. The “forever” part just gripped my heart with sadness. She said that in this dream she knew she would never see us again. I explained that we would never leave her and that she was a part of us. She changed the subject as I probed for more conversation so I let it drop.
I wonder about preverbal memories. I wonder about whether there is a part of her brain that sees the earliest of her experiences in China and now interprets it with current characters….meaning us her adoptive family. I do not discount that she is processing loss and I appreciate your approach in discussing it very much. It is a mourning process I think. Thank you for your series RQ. We need to see this loss from many perspectives to help our daughters in their sadness and conflict about it.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I’ve reread some of these blogs and am getting the feeling that this really has little to with name changing, and wonder how helpful the stories actually are to PAPs. Obliviously they are unhappy people, but if it was not the name change, it surely would be something else they would be complaining about. This is very obvious by the lack of perspective in these writings.
As someone who grew up with an “ethnic” name, I do know there is value in choosing a common name. There are other benefits from renaming a child as well. Should we negate these based on there writings?
I do believe there is value for these people in writing blogs and working through their issues, but I question their validity as guides for us.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 pm
“It’s about showing you a perspective different from your own so that hopefully someday you can understand something from your child’s perspective that you otherwise may not have.”
Precisely.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Iggy… that is only true *if* the bloggers have the same perspective as your child.
Anecdotal evidence shows me that these bloggers are in the minority. Making decisions based on their views, instead of the many who didn’t mind a name change, may cause APs to make poorly informed decisions. This important point seems to be missing in many of these blog discussions. I, like most here, seek out as much information as I can for my future child. As a clinician though, I am troubled by making decisions based on exceptions over the norm. That being said, of course I will take what I’ve read, but will keep things in perspective.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:28 am
We kept our son’s first and middle name…we did give him an american first name. I struggled over this for a long time as to which name should go first. I totally get that his name may one day become more to him than a name…
A lot of thought…A LOT of thought went into the name we chose for him…my husband is the one who really fought for the name and I just had a hard time with it…it is not a common name…but is was my grandfathers. My grandfather was the most amazing man I knew…just one of those men you read about…all around just good, decent, kind, warm, hardworking, big family guy…and my father followed in his footsteps.
I decided to go with name not for what is sounded like or if it was cool or not…I gave him the name because of what it means to us…
I realize and appreciate the importance of the name is birthmother gave to him…I LOVE IT!!! I love saying it, I love writing it, I love what it means, and it suits him. I hope he realizes that we didn’t want to take away from what was given to him or lesson its importance… I hope one day he will be able to appreciate that both of his moms gave him beautiful meaningful names…
February 4th, 2009 at 10:04 am
We had originally planned to give our daughter two middle names. One we chose, and her Chinese name. As soon as we learned her name, we dropped our chosen name and kept hers only. All three initials formed an unfortunate word, and we didn’t think she’d need that burden. Her Chinese name is XiaoSheng, but she was called Sheng Sheng. I don’t know if it never sounded right to her, but she has never responded to being called that. She took to her American name right away. Even so, I don’t regret keeping her Chinese name. She had so little, I couldn’t imagine taking more away from her.
Ji In always had such interesting things to say. I’m sorry that she isn’t as vocal as before. She could be harsh, but there was always something of value in what she wrote.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:41 am
p12: “Iggy… that is only true *if* the bloggers have the same perspective as your child.”
But none of us know 100% what our child thinks or feels, either. I can’t think of any child that states every single thought and feeling they have ever had about their adoption out loud – can you?
That’s not to say the blogs are the end-all-and-be-all. It just means we should be careful not to assume that just because the kids haven’t explicitly stated anything that it means they aren’t thinking about it…
“Anecdotal evidence shows me that these bloggers are in the minority.”
Just because someone feels a loss doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve been blogging about it.
There are THOUSANDS of Koreans who have returned to Korea to search or make lives there. Not all of them necessarily blogged about those plans or the disconnected or the loss, though. Does that still mean they are in the minority?
February 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am
There are also other APs who have claimed, “I’ve spoken to x number of other adoptees and they’ve never claimed to have felt a loss.”
That could be true. I’d take their word for it. But in general, even those who DO feel loss likely would not stand up in public and say how unethical adoption can be, or how they feel the loss from their original family, or whatever. Why? Because no one wants to hear that.
If you were to ask anyone that knows me in real life, they’d tell you that I think adoption is wonderful, because that is the facade I present all the time.
It’s not true, either. But a lot of people would *think* that I think it’s true.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Iggy – Exactly, we will never know 100%, and that is why it concerns me that people are making decisions based on what a minority of adoptees write, instead of the majority.
It was discussed in the other threads that people blog for a reason …and that reason is to show their displeasure. Few, people take the time and make the effort to write about things that don’t trouble them. This is seen all-over-the-net regardless of subject.
As for Koreans returning back to Korea for good, yes they are in the minority…pure numbers show this.
Finally, if anyone does not think international adopting is ethical, they in no way should be in the process. I for one, feel *circumstances* are sad, but the process is ethical, and the concept is wonderful!
February 4th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Oh, and I forgot to mention that I do not take Koreans visiting their birthplace to mean the same thing as moving back there permanently.
I would think literally millions of naturalized citizens make trips back to their birthplaces for visits, I know my wife and I do.
These trips actually make us appreciate more what we have in the USA!
February 4th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
From this months “Adoptive Families”
What’s in a Name?
For a child who joins his family with his own history, his own culture—his own name—the story’s rarely rooted in the pages of a baby names book. AF readers share how they made the naming decision.
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=709
February 4th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
p12: “As for Koreans returning back to Korea for good, yes they are in the minority…pure numbers show this.”
I’ll take your word for it – if you have a link to recent statistics done by a professional investigator.
“Finally, if anyone does not think international adopting is ethical, they in no way should be in the process.”
It depends on what one defines as “ethical.” There really is no way to guarantee if a child “ethically” landed in an orphanage unless the birthparents have been personally spoken to. No one knows if they were even the ones to abandon their children TO be taken to the orphanages. It’s an approximate guess, and it’s likely true, but that doesn’t mean it is, or that some sort of coercion or governmental pressure was not involved.
There are probably Korean adoptees out there who have questioned the ethics of adoption, yet still go ahead to adopt because they see it as being a necessary solution while the economical standards are being worked on to improve or decrease international adoption.
“Oh, and I forgot to mention that I do not take Koreans visiting their birthplace to mean the same thing as moving back there permanently.”
I agree with you on this one.
“Exactly, we will never know 100%, and that is why it concerns me that people are making decisions based on what a minority of adoptees write, instead of the majority.”
I don’t think that anyone would be so naive as to take everything that a bunch of transracial adoptees write as truth. I do not think most of them have claimed that their experience suit all adoptees – many of them have disclaimers saying these experiences are their own. Then there are those who claim all adoptees feel a loss, which I believe just isn’t true for some adoptees.
It may end up being truth for the future generations, but for now, it just remains food for thought.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I would love it if you would add a link to these writings on the side of your blog under important posts.
That way I, and others, will be able to find these writings easily again when we want to re-read them.
Thank you for posting them!
-Jello
February 4th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
There is an entry for Series Listings under important posts – click it and you’ll find links to the CNY series as well as this one.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Hi ,
I just wanted to share the three posts I wrote on my blog about naming in case people wanted yet one more thought.
I actually legally changed my name to incorporate my birth name when I turned 35 as a gift to myself. I kept the first name my adoptive parents gave me as my legal first name, but professionally I go by my Korean name. My adoptive parents now call me by my Korean name, even though I told them they didn’t have to.
My posts are:
http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2006/05/the_name_game.html
http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2006/05/the_name_game_p_1.html
http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2006/05/the_name_game_p.html
Jae Ran
February 11th, 2009 at 10:13 am
RQ, Do you know of any adult adoptees who were SN when adopted, and have written of their experience? I am wondering how the knowledge of being SN might affect their feelings about abandonment by birthparents and other related issues. Any info would be appreciated, I haven’t seen it covered anywhere but you have done more reading than I have. Thanks.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I’m sorry espirer, I remember reading something on a private board a long time ago from someone who was adopted as a SN baby, but I don’t recall seeing anything on a public blog.
What I remember most was that she fought with the whole “gratitude” thing on a whole different level.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am
The Hard Stuff
Recently at the dinner table, out of the blue my daughter, age seven, asked her dad and I “Do you think that my birth mother even remembers what I look like?” As a parent, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I turned her to and said “How could anyone forget a face a like yours?’ I smiled and hugged her. Inside I cried for her.
As parents we want only good things for our children. We want their lives to be smooth and pain free. Actually we want them to have some struggles to build character and all. No parent would ever want their child to feel forgotten or unwanted. That is just too painful.
I once read that adoption is the only relationship that begins with a loss. Birth parents lose the opportunity to parent a child. The child loses the genetic connection to another human being or set of human beings. Many adoptive parents come to adoption with their own lost dreams. Throughout our parenting journey most adoptive parents struggle at times and ask ourselves. “Will I have all of the answer to her questions?” “Am I prepared to help my child deal with their feelings about their adoption?” “Can I deal with the hard stuff?” Most of us feel inadequate at times.
So how do we prepare ourselves to deal with the hard stuff, the painful questions, the grief that raises its head from time to time. I think the first step is acceptance. As adoptive parents, we signed up for this! It is important that we convey to our children that we can tolerate their feelings of ambivalence, anger, and hurt. If we do not give them that message, they will not come to us with their concerns. When we decided to become parents through adoption, we signed up for the joys and sadness, the smiles and the tears. As adoptive parents, we are charged with answering their questions to the best of our abilities, telling them their adoption story over and over and most importantly hearing their thoughts. At times we will be asked to sit with them in their sadness. Thankfully we are not required to fix it. All they ask of us is that we understand and join them in their attempts to make sense of it all.