How far would you go?
I mentioned yesterday that a book I was reading, Made to be Broken by Kelley Armstrong, had veered off into adoption nightmare hell.
Let me say now that I’m going to post spoilers to the book in order to discuss it. This isn’t a review, it’s a discussion. If you intend to read the book and don’t want to read spoilers you should stop reading now.
Still with me? Good.
At the time I posted yesterday it looked like an adoption agency had fallen off the ethics bandwagon about as bad as one would think possible. What would that be? How about killing young mothers and then selling their babies. Young women on the fringe of society, without a family around to ask questions, or in a situation where a disappearance would automatically label them as a teen runaway.
As it turns out, a prospective adoptive couple came up with the idea and found someone at the adoption agency willing to help them with the paperwork once they had “done the deed”, so to speak. The couple hired a hitman, they didn’t actually get literal blood on their own hands, of course. This is Mr. and Mrs. Yuppie, living in a McMansion and driving large SUV’s. Of course they hired that part out. They also pulled several other couples wanting children into the plan, plus they “made a few babies available” (read that, killed moms and stole their babies) for the man at the agency to “sell” a few babies to people who came in but who had some blemish in their history that would make it hard for them to adopt legally (like a DUI five years ago, or drug abuse, or failure to pay child support to their first wife). The couples managed to finance the babies they personally “adopted” by selling the other babies to couples who had no idea the birthmoms had been killed by a hitman.
I said the original couple came up with the idea, but in the end, I think it might have been the wife who cooked it up and her husband and the other couples just followed her ideas. The things she spewed at the end, just before Nadia put a bullet in her to permanently shut her up, were sick. But it’s things I’ve heard here, about how teenage mothers don’t appreciate their babies, don’t give them what they need, don’t deserve their babies. That she (the woman murdering the moms and stealing their babies) could provide so much more for them, and would love and value her child (the one she’d gotten by hiring someone to kill the mom) as no one ever would. That she could give her a stable home… and I was glad to hear Nadia speak up that the “stable” part was in question. The response was “you’re one to talk, you kill people for a living!”. And Nadia said, “Yeah, but at least I know I’m not fit to raise a child.”
First off, I’m way too close to this subject to be reading about it like this. Second, there were too many things that the “evil couple” said that I’ve heard almost word for word here, by commenters and by people on the forum. Now, I’m not saying that anyone here would go so far as to hire a hitman to kill a mom so they could steal the baby. And I’m not even sure how that would work legally. The author didn’t explain that. We just know that the man at the adoption agency provided papers to show the adoption was legal and the two adults were the legal parents of the child. Apparently the paperwork was fine for things like school and doctors, but the parents seemed to know the papers they had would not be good enough if law enforcement started digging around. Which means that once they all had their babies they had to kill the guy at the agency, too. That way if any questions came up later it could all be blamed on the guy at the agency, and the parents would just be innocent parents who adopted in good faith and didn’t know about anything illegal. And by then the children would have been with them for years and years, and, well, no one would take their children from them at that point. With no evidence that the parents had any knowledge of wrongdoing, why would they separate parent and child?
This was a fictional book, I know that. But it really got to me. I grieve for my daughters, that they lost their original families, and that it is my job to help them with their grief. Just the idea that someone would kill the original family… makes my heart hurt. Makes me sick to my stomach.
We’ve got a teenage mother in our extended family and sometimes I think that those kids would be so much better off with adoptive parents somewhere. I look at the four year old and see a future thug. He’s four and he’s not being socialized at all. He talks like a thug, walks like a thug, and he’s already wearing a size 7. My guess is that he will physically beat his mom up before he’s 10 or 12 and he will end up in a foster situation somewhere, or in some kind of home for criminal children. She doesn’t even try to control him now, how is she going to have a hope of controlling him as a teen? And the baby, well, she’s still an infant and fun to play with, but I ache for her, too.
But you know what? I think that if anyone tries to find a legal reason to take the kids from her then we are headed down a very slippery slope. One that I don’t want to get anywhere near. Parents should be required to appropriately feed and clothe their children, and they should not be allowed to abuse them, and they should be required to either homeschool them in such a way they can pass tests for each grade level, or they should be required to get them to school every day. But more than that? No, I think government is already too involved in our lives.
Anyway, the point is that I understand the irritation with teen moms who aren’t being good moms to their babies. But to plot to kill them, and then to convince yourself that you’re the good guy because you’re saving the babies by doing it? It’s just sick.
I don’t really have a way to wrap this post up all pretty. I hoped I would work this out in my head by blogging about it. But I’m just going round and round with it.
I am thankful that at the end of the book all of the babies either ended up with family members who wanted them (like an aunt or grandfather), or went to adoptive parents who had cleared all of the legal hurdles and could legally adopt them.
In case you’re interested, here are the two Nadia Stafford books.
1. Exit Strategy
2. Made to Be Broken
Also, I reviewed Exit Strategy here. If you want to read Made to be Broken you really need to read Exit Strategy first or there is much that won’t make sense.
February 28th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Comments, such as what you have mentioned, about who would make “better” parents, well that is what has pretty much turned us off from adoption. I believe (strongly) that children are best parented in their family of origin. I know that it is not always possible for this case, and I understand that, but not a single person, no matter how much money they have, how much they can offer a child in “material” things (I include education here) is not entitled to anyone else’s child. Period. I still hope someday to adopt, but I really do question some people’s motives in adoption.
February 28th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I (strongly) disagree, Morgaine.
It’s not about who has more money. It’s about who can raise the child in a safe and loving environment. Abuse and neglect come in all forms and all socio-economical classes. IF the child is being abused or neglected, AND other family do not step in to raise the child-That child DESERVES to be with someone else. It’s not a matter of entitlement for the b-parents or for the a-parents. It’s absolutely a matter of entitlement for the child to be given the best opportunity to be protected, safe, loved, and (if finances allow) educated properly.
February 28th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I want to make a clarification.
I only disagree with the argument that the child is best suited in the first family of origin-IF that child is not being taken care of properly. Otherwise, if someone is poor and that is the sole purpose of removing the child-then I agree. Being poor should have no bearing on a parent’s qualifications to raise a child.
February 28th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
No matter how bad a job we think a teenage mum is doing, I don’t think any sane, rational, reasonable person would ever even entertain the idea of killing them!
I do not agree that kids are always best raised in their birth families, I absolutely agree that lack of financial means is not a reason to think that kids are better off being adopted or fostered. But lack of care is, and in some cases, supporting the parents and retraining them is all that is required, but in some cases, things never improve, and in those cases, especially where there are issues of severe neglect and abuse, the kids are absolutely better off if they can be placed in loving foster or adoptive families on a pernanent basis. The problem IMO being that the mentality of many child welfare workers (at least in Australia, can’t speak for elsewhere) is so ingrained in the “better off with birth families” mentality, that they forget that what they should be thinking about is what is best for this particular child, in their particular circumstances, which may or may not be to remain with the birth family. Just as I am not entitled to someone elses child, nor is a birth parent entitled to consistently ignore or abuse the rights of their child without appropriate consequences, in some cases it may be criminal penalty, in others it may be modifying or forefeiting their parental privilleges.
It is always a hard call, especially within your own family, and I have had to counsel one of my neices about her concerns for her sister’s children, who are not fed properly, who aren’t growing and meeting milestones, who have had signs of abuse when they visist her, the eldest of who is 4 and has already lost all his teeth from rotting out due to all the junk food he eats and not receiving proper dental care. In the end, she decided to make a report about her sister as she decided that she couldn’t live with herself if her sister snapped (she had indicated to her that she felt that she could harm herself or the kids in her state of mind) and did something dreadful. This is not an easy call for a 21 year old to make, but in my opinon she did the right thing, as her sister is old enough to make her own choices in life, but the kids aren’t so someone has to look out for them!
I should add that maybe my opinion is coloured by the dreadful things I have read and seen, as my area of postgrad study interest is Child Protection Law, so maybe I am just a bit more jaded on the subject than most.
February 28th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Check out the movie Gone Baby Gone.
Very interesting and 100% in this vein! My DH and I had an initial disagreement about the outcome, but with very little discussion he came to my POV. It is well worth watching.
March 1st, 2009 at 12:37 am
Gone Baby Gone was interesting. Didn’t see it coming. I was oddly torn. I am assuming this book is fiction?
March 1st, 2009 at 12:42 am
I never post, but felt I needed to chime in here. I understand that this is a work of fiction, but I want to make sure that teen parents do not get placed in a tiny little box where everyone assumes they can not care for or truly love their children.
I was a teen mom. I endured the stares and stereotypes. I know what his teachers were thinking when I showed up to Open House. I have no regrets that I had my son when I did, even though it was not easy. Raising a child is not easy for any parent. As a teen mom, I moved out on my own with NO money, put myself through college and raised my son to be companionate and well-behaved. He is now an honor student in HS and has never even had a detention. He was nine when I had my bio daughter and 14 when we brought home our sn daughter from China. He is a constant joy in my life, my inspiration in everything I do.
I share this because I do not believe that I am the exception. There are many other young mothers that raise healthy happy responsible children. I’m not promoting teen parenting (it is not an easy route to raise a child with no money and a certain stereotype), but I think we should be careful not to judge or assume.
BTW – I will not be reading that work of fiction.
March 1st, 2009 at 8:46 am
I haven’t read the kind of comments to which RQ refers so I’m little confused by the hubbub. Havent’ read Made To Be Broken but read Gone Baby Gone last week – didn’t know it was a movie. Raised some interesting points in my mind got me thinking.
March 1st, 2009 at 9:30 am
Before the Hunan “scandal” and Guatemala closing, I truly did not think much about the potential abuses in adoption. I truly did not think they existed. I thought, adoption is a logical solution for a common human condition of children who needed loving families, and families who need them to love. I still believe that most of the time this is the case. When I am reminded about the abuses that could occur, I take comfort knowing two governments and many individuals are involved in my adoption process to help insure that those abuses have not occurred. I also would like to believe that is one reason why the wait has gotten so long . . . call me an optimist.
March 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
dreamingof3 – point taken, and you’ll be happy to hear that the dead mom who kicks off Nadia’s investigation was a teen mom who fiercely loved her child and gave her everything she could. She did not take her baby for granted, and she did not go have fun at the expense of her child. Her world revolved around her daughter. She didn’t have many resources available (old crib, rusty stroller, only a few articles of clothing, etc.). But even though she was barely literate she still tried to read parenting magazines she filched from the doctor’s offices, she truly did the best she was capable of doing. She really loved her daughter. It did not sound like the same could be said of the other mothers, though.
free2hope – this story is more about what can go wrong with a private adoption, I think. It’s about couples with blemishes on their records so they can’t legally adopt in the normal channels, but who have enough money to find another way. Nadia at one point talks about how there are more parents wanting babies than there are available babies, and how that kind of imbalance always creates a black market.
There are a lot of children on this planet who need parents. And I, too, am glad that there are government agencies putting rules in place and requiring a paper trial be kept so that those parents who want to adopt with our morals and ethics intact can do so. Children should never be “sold”, and without government agencies watching closely, I’m afraid that is exactly what would be happening.
March 1st, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Dreaming03 definitely agree. I have known throughout my life quite a few teen mums/moms because of what I was involved in. Only a small percentage of these Mums were what I would describe as unfit, and in these cases the baby/child would of been better off being raised in a loving, caring, nurturing family. Although, I would never even contemplate being a teen mother at the age of 17 and I took precauctions to make sure that never happened, I have to say that ALL the teen mothers in my family have raised amazing children. My dh’s mother was married at 16 and had him when she was 17. She raised loving, caring, nurturing, compassionate children with her 19 year old husband LOL. My nephew was a single parent at 18. So many people were trying to get him to relinquish his daughter, and luckily he had a very supportive judge. At that time fathers didn’t have many rights. She is now 15 and an honor roll student. The thought of someone else raising her just sends shivers up and down her spine.
My niece had her first daughter at age 17 and her second at 19 and she is an amazing mother. While having a child at a very young age is very challenging, and you may not be in the best financial situation with support and love it can be done. There are many ‘older’ mothers out there, who in my opinion should never of adopted or had children.
Black market adoption has always been around, and still is, there are quite a few adoptees who were ‘black market babies’ looking for their biological family. Some babies/children were actually taken away from their parents because their parents were poor. Nobody has the right to another womans baby. It is simple as that.
If a child is a true orphan, and there isn’t anyone in their biological family or any citizen/s of their country to care for them, then IA is a wonderful way for that child to have a home and a family of their own.