Uncle Mike
Uncle Mike behaved himself. Completely behaved himself. I would go so far as to say he was on his best behavior. Actually, I didn’t realize he was capable of behaving this good, so he was on something better than his best behavior.
I think that he realized this was another chance, and one he wasn’t likely to get again should he screw up. He hasn’t seen GlitterGirl in at least five or six years and has never seen TwinkleToes, because we’ve managed to go out of town and be otherwise occupied when he came to town. I think he realized that he was lucky to get another chance and that he shouldn’t poke and prod just to see what he could get away with.
A fun time was had by all. Seriously, it was good.
That being said, I do not regret staying away from him for so long, as I think we had to do that in order to convince him that his (former) behavior was not acceptable and that he could easily be kept from our lives for good. My mom tried to make me feel bad for having stayed away from him, since he was behaving so well. I was supposed to believe he’d have behaved like this all along and I was wrong for staying away (I’d created all those “hard feelings” for nothing, etc). I let her know that he was only behaving because we had stayed away from him for so long and she really didn’t want to have that argument with me, especially not when everyone was getting along so well. And, miracle of miracles, she shut her mouth and walked away and didn’t bring it up again. (Seriously, you have no idea how big of a deal that is. She’s usually like a pit bull: once she decides to have an argument you either have it out with her or get in your car and leave before she has a chance to drag you into it. Either she is finally growing up, or she’ll bring it up later when everyone isn’t around. I’m hoping for option A, but betting on option B.)
I realize that just because Uncle Mike behaved this trip, there is no guarantee of future good behavior. I will always be present when he’s around the girls, this isn’t going to change that. And I have to admit that knowing they left town early this morning and are gone for at least another year is reason for me to give a huge sigh of relief. But I am pleased with the way this trip, this visit, worked out.
(If this post does not make sense to you, you might want to read this one.)
June 14th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Congrats, RQ! I’ve been wondering how this would play out, and I am so glad, for the sake of your daughters, that everything went smoothly!
June 14th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Glad things went well. You can’t chose your family unfortunately…but you can chose how you handle being with them. Had the same kind of weekend with a family relative this weekend too. Let us just say “Auntie Mike” has a history of the same kind of approaches in life as your Uncle Mike. Thankfully things went well too..though I have to say when she gets on the plane this pm, I will be relieved….LOL…and RQ you are so right..my mom doesn’t see anything wrong with my ” Auntie Mike’s approach either….she just doesn’t see it. What can you do?
June 14th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Congrats RQ! I’m happy for you and your family. There was an “Uncle Mike” here too, but there was no way to stop the behavior. The problem didn’t end until this (very old!) man passed away, and that sure wasn’t a happy ending. Though I knew what you seem to know too, that real change wasn’t possible, I couldn’t help wishing and hoping. Sad. Anyway, I hope what you experienced is a new trend! Maybe not real deep change, but hopefully a new behavior on the surface, which is a big step too!
June 14th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
This week I was wondering how this was going to work out, RQ. I am relieved and happy for you and your girls that this visit worked out. Perhaps one of the following circumstances is true:
1. he was on medication finally
2. he finally learned there are consequences for bad behavior
3. he is afraid of you because you call him on his worst traits and force him to look at himself.
I’m hoping for number 3 because then he won’t misbehave in the future. I needed a happy ending to this story…thanks for bringing us in on this wonderful outcome!
June 14th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I am so happy for you and your family, that your uncle allowed everyone to have a good visit. I am guessing that Uncle Mike has learned a long-overdue lesson in respecting boundaries, and like most children he may need a bit of a reminder in the future. But you earned the right to enjoy your family, and I am glad that your perserverance paid off.
June 14th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I was just thinking about how things went with Uncle and decided to click.
Glad things went well.
June 14th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Hooray! I am so relieved all went well for your family. People like your Uncle Mike (and I am sure we all have someone like that in our lives), should always be treated with care when we are compelled to be around them….like fire. If you stop paying attention, you could get burned.
Hopefully this event helped him too.
I am also very glad for you that it will be another year until you have to be on such high alert.
besos
ziegsm
June 14th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
What a relief! So glad for you! I was wondering how it was all going. Hopefully he has learned his lesson.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:45 am
Well done (on the earlier occation, only read that story now) – I think you’ve made the right choices in dealing with your uncle! It made me think about our families, or especially our mothers – i know they will not have this kind of comments towards our child when he or she finally arrives, but thay have the same way of leaving you feel guilty without being direct enough for us to be able to talk back with getiing the “uncle Mike”-response (now you’re being sensitive, overreacting etc). Or – they talk us down in a way that is hard to get to, as they are our mothers…oh yes, family is great fun – and having these two mothers who are both like this in their own different ways, makes the two of us really look forward to getting our child and having to face our own relationship with them – not! Oh well, I think it will be much easier to face them on behalf of our child than on behalf of ourselves, but of course that will trigger the same kind of response that you get (remember how old we are, it could be the last time..etc)! Oh well…time somebody faces their own bad behaviour, maybe? :-)
Good for you he lives far away – I’m glad you don’t have to face this too often!!
June 15th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I hope Uncle Mike got a lot of positive reinforcement from your entire family so he left feeling good and realizing he’ll get more attention and have more fun with his new attitude!
I had an uncle who used to fake heart attacks at Christmas if he wasn’t getting enough attention and it would scare the kids. It got to the point we would just keep eating and say “someone call an ambulance.” Guests would be mortified at our behavior and we’d say “don’t worry about it, he’ll be fine.”
Someone always went to the hospital with him and they always sent him home a few hours later saying “there’s nothing wrong with him….”
Finally one Christmas his son made a toast and said “Please God, let my father put off his heart attack until we’ve all finished our meal.”
He passed away about five years ago – from something OTHER than a heart attack.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:17 am
If Uncle Mike just left, then this was a very long visit. Bravo, RQ. Sure, it’d be nice if he learned something from it, but he probably didn’t. He’ll just be careful around you and your family and be a pain to others.
Yes, Hebbalille, the passive-aggressive stuff is the worst. They never want to take responsibility for what they say.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
RQ, I am so glad!
June 16th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Just to let you know. I have a co-worker like that.
One day we got into an argument because she said that an adopted child is not as important as a natural born child. I blew up and it got VERY ugly. To the point where we both could have lost our job.
I also have a brother that keeps asking me why I adopted from China when there are so many kids here that need adopted. I can never see what difference it is to him. He didn’t do the adoption. With my brother, I no longer see him, but that also has other issues.
I hope that your uncle continues to watch his tongue and I can’t blame you at all for protecting your daughters from such stupidity.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am
You handled that really well. I have some obnoxious distant relatives too and I’ve always spoken my mind with them. People like that know what they are doing. I’m so sorry you did not get the support from your mom, she should back you up. If you ever need an ally, just invite me to the party, I’ll back you up!!! Obnoxious relatives, look out!!!!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:47 am
I am so glad your visit with him went way better then expected! And even more glad that the girls didn’t have to deal with any of his immature antics! Now you can relax for another year!
Hope you’re having a wonderful week!