Several Things… errr Items
First, the Scruggs family was denied a Visa to bring their daughter home. I’m still looking for something we as a community can do to make sure this doesn’t continue to happen. We need to either find a way for our children to get a clean bill of health before we travel, or we need to find a way to get rid of testing. I don’t see any middle ground there, it seems to me that it needs to be one or the other. It is not reasonable to be allowed to adopt a child that may not be able to come home with us – the health stuff should be sorted out before adoption, not after. Maybe someone else can come up with another possibility? I’m not trying to limit options, I’m just trying to point out what I think they are. We’re still at the brainstorming stage, so ideas are welcome.
If done correctly, then I believe the Foreign Adopted Children Equality Act has the possibility of taking the CDC’s control of our children away. The two bills were introduced by Representative Diane Watson and Senator Mary Landrieu. I think that at this point, anyone who is represented by either of these women should make sure that both lawmakers are aware of this issue with the Scruggs family as well as the issue of the forced immunizations all-at-once before travel, and should politely ask if this bill could be worded in a way so that the CDC no longer has this kind of authority over our children. It should be pointed out that a natural born child born on foreign soil would not have to submit to TB testing or extra immunizations before being allowed to come home. (If you’d like to read the text of the bills you can go to http://thomas.loc.gov/ and search on “Foreign Adopted Children Equality Act”.) I do not believe this is a quick fix, it’s not likely to happen next week, or next month, or possibly even this year. It’s kind of a small bill though and won’t need funding if enacted, so…. maybe.
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Next, a comment about the comments on yesterday’s post. Our social worker had to talk to GlitterGirl every time we did a home study or a home study update, and she asked her about how she felt about being a big sister, if she wanted a little sister or maybe a little brother, etc. There was no way to not talk to GG about it. Perhaps a younger child might forget after a few weeks or months, but GG did not. If you’ve got a younger child, and/or if your social worker doesn’t have to talk to them, then I completely agree it’s best to not make a big deal of it until it is close. We did not have that option.
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And last but certainly not least – I’m told the new Waiting Child list came out Wednesday night. I will put together a new When post when I get a chance, but fair warning it may be Sunday evening before I get a chance. We’re having a slumber party this weekend, kind of a back-to-school bash sort of thing. Wish us luck.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:06 am
We are having our first update done today and we had to have a new SW do this for us as our original SW retired. So with our agency they only want our local police check and our medicals redone. But this new SW wants to see everything from the homestudy(understand taht) and all of the original reference letters and such. Our original SW will not give anything up as she says everything is private and that he should understand this. I really don’t know what he is going to say. I do have the original HS in hand and can hand him that. Hoping he does not get to upset..
Littleperson647
11-23-2007—611 jellybeans in a jar..
August 7th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Regarding HS and the kids:
DD#1 is too little to really understand what is going on with a new adoption. Before we realized how quickly this adoption would be occuring we talked to our SW regarding our concern of telling my step kids about the adoption and then having another long wait. It was really hard on them the first time around– especially my stepdaughter.
We have shared custody of my stepkids– they are with us 7 days out of every 14-days so it is truly shared custody.
Our SW agreed. She did see the stepkids during one of the visits but did not talk about an upcoming adoption. She said that was fine to do it that way.
Perhaps she was more lenient about it because they do not live with us full time, although it practically is full time.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Since almost no health care professional in the US believes any medical report done overseas by overseas health care workers I don’t think testing and such is the way to go before travel.
Leaving your child in a country where your child got TB in the first place seems a ridiculous thing to ask parents.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:48 am
We asked our SW not to talk about it with him until closer to the adoption. We said we will tell him our paperwork is in and that why we get visits and do fingerprinting to keep file current in case there is a baby who needs a family. We asked not to get into the whole “how do you feel about getting a brother or sister” until we are closer. But we all know we are far out so it’s easier to agree. We aren’t keeping it secret, just not encouraging conversation.
He doesn’t understand anything yet. Just upset at the extra times we have to press the smoke detectors when SW visit.
Kristine
August 7th, 2009 at 11:53 am
I think the current situation with the Scrugg family is heart breaking and since they can show the child has responded to treatment and is not contagious at this time I do think she should be allowed to go home with her family (masked).
I am the mother of 2 IA children-one of whom came home with an undisclosed SN-so I understand IA and SN’s. Saying that, I think the responsibility lies with the American agencies to have chest x-rays (at an approved facility) within 30 days of travel. I think it could be worked out with the orphanges (if the agency paid for all expenses) since it does not benefit anyone to be in the position this poor family is in. As AP we pay tens of thousands of dollars for these agencies to facilitate our adoptions and to me these children should be tested to ensure they are free for travel. Would I want my child to have to stay in the country if they tested +….no way and I hope they can come to an agreement with the CDC so children can come home as long as parents are aware of the risks to those around them and take the necessary precautions.
I know this isn’t going to be popular and I feel for this family in China and no one would want to be put in that position. But I am a firm believer that these are our children (while in China and not just once we hit American soil) and I do not think they should leave that child back in China. I understand it would be horribly difficult (esp. being a 2 income family) but I wonder if they had brought their 6 year old son to China with them and for some reason he was denied entry back into the US would they find a foster family for him and say “we’ll be back for you when you are able to travel” or would they move heaven and earth to stay in the country until he could travel. This little girl is every bit their child as their son is and should not be left behind if at all humanly possible (IMO).
August 7th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I think it is great that families are working with their social workers to be sensitive to the emotions of the children already in the home because of the very long wait……as with most things, it doesn’t hurt to ask if considerations can be made. My guess with lots of people who had LIDs in 2005 and 2006 is that the loooooong wait was not as expected and so the decision to talk to children in the home was based upon the idea of a 6 month to 18 month wait……not 3 years plus. long go, my social worker didn’t talk to my daughter #1, but she had seen her off and on for the 3 years between her adoption and the process for daughter #2.
Regarding the TB testing……..I bow to those who are currently in the process to tell me what to do and who to talk to in order to stop the anguish that the Scruggs family is experiencing. Deep down though, I have my doubts that much will change….big bureaucracy combined with the threat of spreading communicable diseases in this era of swine flu………I think it will be very difficult to budge them because everyone will be over the top careful. Hopefully there can be a lab identified in China that the CDC will trust so the children can be tested before the adoption.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
First I’d like to say how much I feel for this family who have been referred a visa for their child. I do so home that this is only a temporary situation. I am not American so apart from “signing the petition” I am not in a position to help but wish I could. Its my worst nightmare situation – it would be everybody’s.
As for telling or not telling children. While I understand people’s desire to protect their children I want to give another perspective. I am a child therapist and actually feel that children need to hear the truth.I think it is one of the most important aspects in particular of adoptive parenting to build trust by telling the truth in all things. If we don’t tell children the facts on everything then how can they believe us for the really important things. Just because children are children doesn’t mean they are stupid or unable to deal with frustration and disappointment. In the application process stage for DD# 2 I told DD#1 that we were sending this letter to maybe get a little sister – she didn’t seem the least bit interested aged about 3 at the time. It was at the point I was approved when she was 3.5 yrs – the envelope on the front door step as we arrived home with some friends and I let out a “YEAH!” and explained it to my friends, that DD#1 was immediately on alert. Again I downplayed it and talked about “Maybe”. That night at dinner she announced to my mother (who I had not been telling because up until that point my mother had been telling me I couldn’t/ shouldn’t do it) that we she was getting a baby sister from China. It was a perfect example of how its best to tell no-one or everyone because you can’t control other people and what they might say. My mother BTW way did a complete 180′ and was very supportive although sadly she died last year and won’t get to meet DD#2. To continue the story – it was at the point the file was finally being batched (I had to wait another year because I am single) My daughter, now aged 4.5 yrs pulled me up when I said something about “my file” – “Its not YOUR file Mummy – Its OUR file”. She is now 7 – she has been waiting more than half her life. When I express any dissapointment with the wait it is she who says the stay positive comments. I couldn’t have kept it from her. If at some point we had had to give up then I know it would have been very hard but she would have been part of that. So many children have grown up under the cloud of parental sadnesses but weren’t told the truth. Children pick up on these things. Not knowing the truth leaves people/ children only with their fantasies about what might be the problem. so much better to know the facts and deal with that.
LID 3/23/06 NEXT!!
August 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I can’t disagree more about agencies needing to be responsible to get them tested and compliant. They are never guardians like in a US DA adoption. Only a few provinces would there be authorized and acceptable medical staff to oversea testing anyway. You can’t just take the child to nearest China hospital and have the test done and results accepted.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I read all the threads about the Scruggs family and signed the petitions. My heart breaks for them and their little girl.
To those of you saying you would never leave your child in China if faced with this situation, I hope you never face that problem. However, if this had happened when I traveled I would have had the same problem. Face it folks, some of us just plain don’t have the resources to stay even 24 hrs later than planned! You know it could be that she works for insurance coverage for the family and his check covers everything else. What if they lose their insurance, or their primary income? Many of us exhaust all our resources just getting our child home. In most cases it all works out fine but this is an unusual situation.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
For what it’s worth, we were LID 4/17/06 and dropped out of the wait last December. Our daughter knew what we were doing mainly from hearing us talk about it so much with others. We tried to be careful at first, but once it was out, we didn’t think it mattered. Our daughter will be 6 this December. While we feel very comfortable with our decision, due to our age and the increasing difference in age there would be with our daughter and a new little one, it is hard when she brings it up periodically. Yesterday she asked what happened to her, who else had gotten her. I had to explain that she may not even have been born yet, that she wasn’t actually a baby there in China yet. When she is even older, I know it will make more sense to her, and I hope she will understand. We look at this like what we went through with all the infertility procedures. We gave it our best try, and are content knowing that.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I am distraught for the family who must leave their daughter in China. I do not believe waiting parents have a clear idea of what this might mean for their future travel. Regardless of how we might feel about the new U.S. laws, the Scruggs case is simply chilling. Why?
We adopted a SN child last year and let’s charitably say that her medical report was “incomplete.” Due to numerous societal issues, and a desire to be sure the child gets to a home, I believe the medical reports are not reliable in any way, shape or form. This means, you will travel will little likelihood of knowing what awaits you. I mean this to be true for NSN and SN programs, it doesn’t matter. Perhaps travel insurance will help on a surface level(?) As a policy I think they should change the law.
Test and treat in new home country. If the CDC is concerned about the plane environment then the child should start medication in China, be allowed on a plane with precautions to be further tested and treated in their new family’s country. Precautions would include masking. I do not understand the basis for this law given that thousands and thousands of babies have traveled by commercial jets with no known spread of disease. The law clearly discriminates against international families and a child who is on medication and properly masked should be allowed to enter as any American would be under similar circumstances. Or, do away with testing. Plain. Simple. I fear for all families soon to travel and my heart is breaking for the Scruggs.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Here’s what seems a little weird. I did first an internet news search of Scruggs, then Scruggs+ adoption and I got one hit — an article by Cathy Doheny about the family’s situation on the online journal, The Examiner. Then I just did a Google search and while there were a lot of hits, a cursory glance suggested none of them related to this family {except some blog posting that refers to reading about the issue here}. Literally nothing at all came up on Bing.com. Pretty much the same thing on Yahoo although I see Cathy Doheny also twittered about the situation.
Maybe we’re missing the obvious. Just because the China adoption community seems clued in, that doesn’t mean the larger international adoption community is and certainly I’m betting people in general don’t know. Maybe the key is to get the story out there. Contact columnists, news organizations, etc. Maybe if more people are aware, there would be a bigger push to help the family or at least more people trying to think of ways to help them.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
OK, what I am about to say is going to be unpopular, but I have a slightly different POV from many. Five and a half years ago, my 22 month old son was diagnosed with a rare cancer and I had to take leave from work for months, and my husband and I basically did nothing except switch off between hospital and our then-3 year old older son. I barely worked at all for the next two years, but gradually came back to my career. But we survived, both financially, careerwise, and with both kids. Now over five years later, I have a longterm perspective on this, that almost anything could pop up that will force you to do things you never imagined in terms of your job and your living situation.
The reason I went into this story is to explain my POV. I think one of the Scruggses should stay in China, and take FMLA. Their older child could come to China and stay with that parent too. It may seem like a terrible financial burden (and I understand – I was petrified about our finances too), but they will get through it. And the payoff – a securely bonded and attached and healthy child – will be worth it.
I think all adoptive parents, in the face of this rule as well as other unforeseen cirucumstances, should mentally make a plan for the contingency of having to stay longer in China. It is just part and parcel of the uncertainty of adopting internationally. Remember, unforeseen circumstances could happen even with bio children. As parents, we just have to live with that.
And I do agree that the law is unfair and should be overturned. Unfortunately, the CDC is so concerned about tuberculosis that they already have other overaggressive policies, so I suspect that may not happen.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Tracy AP, you voiced an opinion that I agreed with but was too scared to write myself. No way, no how could I leave my child over there. I’d check out of the White Swan and find something cheaper. I’d borrow money from friends or relatives. I’d try to get donations from the public. I’d send my husband home to watch my son. Think of how terrified this child, who has already begun attaching to her parents, is going to feel returning to an orphanage. I totally agree that they would not leave their son behind in China if he got sick over there.
I think perhaps a job of agencies is to warn people to have extra funds on hand and emergency plans in case situations arise. There have been other parents who have had to stay in China longer because their children have ended up in the hospital, etc. Things happen and you have to be prepared.
For those of you who have children living at home (bio or adopted), would you leave them in China if they got sick over there due to financial reasons?
August 7th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Until you have been in this family’s shoes, I don’t think it is appropriate to express an opion on their decisions. These are complex and stressful decisions to make.
I understand because our DD’s visa was initially denied (along with everyone in our and another travel group) because of the chickenpox. We were looking at possibly three extra weeks in county right before the bad weather and Chinese New Year in 2008. We had to decide whether have part of our family travel home or all to stay together. We were also dealing with a sick and homesick older child who had lost 10%+ of her body weight during the trip. Our travel companions left on schedule, and we were allowed to travel a day later (with 24 hours to leave the country after a clean exam.) We were lucky.
I hope a solution is reached before this happens to more families.
K.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Still, no one has answered my question. Would you leave your bio or adopted child who has been residing in your home over in China? If you had a four-year-old bio child who had been living in your home since birth, would you leave them behind in an orphanage in China?
August 7th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Get real.
Many would return without a job, and health insurance for themselves and the rest of their families.
A terrible & difficult decision to make, I would never judge them.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
sticks dweller it seems you are looking for some kind of medal for something you *would do* …the real world if more than a bit different.
Good grief, who reads this story and sees it as a chance to judge someone without all the facts?!
August 7th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
To those of you who criticize the family for leaving their child behind, I must remind you that we don’t know that they are going to do that. Yes, they said they would, but maybe they have had to say so for tactical reasons? Maybe they won’t. We’ll see, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Plan B involves one of them staying for a while, and I can think of good reasons to not tell beforehand.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
OK, I just saw them leaving her, through a video downloaded from their site. I don’t even know how I could see the whole thing. I will not add to their pain by saying anything more. It was devastating.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Sticks, are you trying to show that the rules are different for biological kids than for adopted immigrant kids? If so, yes, we do realize this and how it is unjust.
The part of your questions that would make it a non-issue is the ‘residing/living in your home.’ If the kids were already in our home, there would be no question since they’d already be home. But I may be off-base as to what you’re trying to say.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Given a similar situation, we would unfortunately have to do the same.
Why? None of you business!
What a horrible and difficult decision this family had to make.
I’ve me enough good people in the China adoption community to comfortably give this family the benefit of doubt.
This must be devastating to all parties involved.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
OK, I just watched the video, and my feeling is that the family is making a big mistake and letting their anger at the admittedly dumb bureaucracy get in the way. When they finally can bring that little girl home, they are going to have major work in rebuilding trust. I really think they needed to take a deep breath and tried to find a way for someone to stay with that child.
My daughter has been home 2 years, and it has taken those 2 years to really establish a level of trust and attachment. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if we had shown up, promised her a family and then disappeared again. To a child that age, even a week is an eternity. She will certainly think she has been abandoned again. How will she trust them in the future?
August 7th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
OK. This is called parenting. And part of parenting is that you never, never, NEVER leave your child for any reason whatsoever. Parenting is not optional. You don’t get to get out of it when times are tough. How many families have had their savings drained because a child was diagnosed with cancer or some other terminal illness? If you’ve got to live with that child in a cardboard box and love her with all your heart, it would be better for her than to be yanked from her parents whom she loves and placed back in an orphanage.
Some things are more important than your job, your insurance, your house, your car- you name it. People raised children for thousands of years without these things.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Just one other thing I don’t get. Wasn’t this family planning on having one of the parents take FMLA leave to get the child settled in anyway? Don’t most families do that? We did – it was part of our financial planning for the adoption – and I can’t imagine doing otherwise. So, if they had already budgeted for the FMLA leave like most families, couldn’t they just use it for the time in China? That is 12 weeks – maybe not enough, but at least part of the time. And then, begging a boss for more leave can work wonders…
August 7th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
there is a bit of a double standard being applied- on the one hand the family (and adoption community) is taking the stand that this regulation is unfair to adopted children — the blog post states that this standard would not apply to a ‘natural born’ child of American parents. On the other hand- if you were traveling in China with your child and there were some terrible accident and your child couldn’t travel home for weeks or months you wouldn’t have the option of leaving them in China– no matter what the consequences might be to your family. You can’t have it both ways.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
sticks dweller – easy for you to say, considering you DIDN’T have to make that decision. I know, I know … but you *would* have. Sorry, but there is a world of difference between you and them. Real life just isn’t so back & white.
I’m done talking “fantasy”.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I cannot imagine a situation where I would ever leave my daughter behind.
I would give up anything willingly not to do so. I wouldn’t care what the consequences were. There is no situation I can imagine that would compel me to leave her behind. Ever. For any reason.
The Scruggs can — they are living it.
Are we a community or a judge/jury? If we are the former, please sign me up to do whatever. I am willing. I want to help. But I will not be the judge. I will not condemn them and I don’t want to add to their pain. I’m sure I don’t want to know the hell they are living. I want to help get them out of their hell.
So. What do we do now? Do we start writing our senators? Our newspapers? We need to mobilize.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
What about: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/ ? There’s a fax number, too. RQ, please make a recommendation.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
OK I just watched that video. I really don’t see how people are criticizing that family. They need the Mom’s income to pay the mortgage. It is easy to say you would lose your home but really, would you? If the insurance the family has is tied into the Mom’s job, would they even be qualified to bring her home? I thought that was a USCIS requirement. I have 3 other kids at home; I could not leave them for 6 months. We need to give this family our support, not our criticism. That family left their heart in China and that will be one long ride home. I am just sick for them. For us it would not be the money as I am already a stay at home parent. However, I do not have the resources to care for my other 3 children for 6 months. I wish the family whatever peace they can find because it will be little for the next 6 months I am sure.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I whole-heartedly agree with you momto4hopefully !!
August 7th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Parenting is also about sacrifice. Sometimes that sacrifice is having to be separated.
Many parents are separated from their children while they work to support the family while the child is away from them to have treatment. Think of the programs to bring children to the US for treatment from other countries. Those kids are often fostered by strangers for a time.
Think of the families that travel to St Jude’s or Mayo Clinic in another state so their child can have experimental therapy. But it’s got to paid somehow, or rather their mortgage/travel costs to the treatment center… Maybe one parent goes or some other grown up in their family while mom and/or dad are forced to remain at home with their jobs.
There is another child they already left for several weeks at home. This is Sophie’s choice for pity sakes.
A child already in the home adopted or bio injured abroad would be brought home by a medical plane covered under travel insurance.
They will let you keep a child who was born to you or whose adoption is final even if your home is a cardboard box. If they loose their jobs and/or their house they would/might be denied a VISA for financial reasons. Would they still have the net worth? Would they still make the proper income of X% above the poverty line? Would they have to extend and do another I600A or I800A in the time they are abroad but even if not they ask you there is anything different on your financials, employment status, etc… while you are there. We needed a new HS over there cause I quit to stay home before travelling. It said so in my original HS I would stay but not most recent the addendum which just listed my job and income. So a new addendum was written and sent over. So they could let the job go, move their stuff into a storage bin and buy a cardboard box, but then that wouldn’t get her home… Family you say. They would all need clearances… you get the idea. They also need to prove they have insurance for her. Loss of job, loss of insurance. Hopefully if they do government health care they will cover adoptees from overseas and not deny them a VISA for not having insurance automatically by their being immigrants. $#*@($
What about a single parent? This could happen to a single parent just as easily as a two parent family. Singles are still getting referrals. Surely no one would argue that they could let their job go for 6 months+.
I wish the consulate could have found the family housing (for free and living expenses covered), the bank would let their mortgage payments be suspended for the time they must remain, all their utilities, car payments, insurance payments and jobs be secure until they were all clear to come home. Oh, and someone flying their child whose home for free to China. And then somehow get the older child into an English school for free so they are able to meet all their responsibilities to both children. And any medical care all of them should need covered.
Or they could just let the child, who is no threat because of age and/or treatment already received, come home.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
I feel sorry for the child and only the child. She is the victim here. I think the parents need to weigh their priorities. You’re talking about a mortgage. They live in Alexandria, Virginia. It’s no secret that homes in D.C. suburbs are some of the most expensive in the nation. I’d be willing to bet they’re paying for a $500K plus home. Our friends lived comfortably in a small town in the midwest. They had a large three bedroom ranch home with a finished basement on a large lot. Total cost: $180K. Then they moved to a D.C. suburb. They had masters degrees and excellent jobs with the Dept. of Energy and the only thing they could afford in D.C. was a $400K townhouse. Two bedrooms, no yard. They did not live extravagantly. The wife told us it cost $60 for a haircut. They got haircuts here for $14. They stayed for a year and a half before moving to AZ. The wife said living in the D.C. area drained their savings to the point where they don’t know how they will send their daughter to college.
Maybe these parents need to sit down and reexamine what it is they are working to pay for? The D.C. lifestyle?
Really, think about it- What is the worst thing that could happen to these people? Do you really think they’d end up on the street? Come on.
I am criticizing them as I would criticize any parent who abandoned their child. If my next door neighbors gave up their four-year-old son, I’d criticize them, too. They have messed her up for life. If they ever get her back again, she is going to have attachment issues like you can’t believe. She is going to continue to get sicker living in an orphanage.
You may accuse me of being heartless. Anyone who gives up a child and anyone who thinks giving up a child is the right thing to do is heartless.
August 8th, 2009 at 12:03 am
“Anyone who gives up a child and anyone who thinks giving up a child is the right thing to do is heartless.” This is an adoption site.
They aren’t giving her up. They are being separate from her until she can get into the US.
We are all adopting children who have been placed for adoption or abandoned (because of no legal way to place for adoption). I think you’ll find many here not so hard on birth parents who don’t raise their children. When you criticize the parent you criticize the child and make them feel less than.
If your neighbors couldn’t handle parenting that child and found that child a proper family then I would encourage them. There is nothing wrong with making an adoption plan.
Are you upset with the family “because they must be rich”? You know I’m sure they have McDonalds in Alexandria and the DC area. Someone has to work there. Those folks have to live close by. I’m sure there are all income types who live in the 100 mile radius. If it happened to someone living in Omaha, Nebraska or Boise, Idaho would you feel differently? Are there different rules for different income groups?
August 8th, 2009 at 12:57 am
I feel for this family and don’t for one second think it was an easy decision they had to make. But they are not birth parents making the decision to place a child for adoption-they are abandoning their daughter because the situation is not financially easy for them.
I think the point many of us are trying to make is this little girl is their child and you don’t leave your children behind. They most likely would not have left their birth son behind so why is it acceptable for them to leave this little girl behind? And why do so many people here who are adopting or have adopted think it’s OK to just leave this child? I really don’t get that-I think so many feel they aren’t really “your” children until you hit US soil-until then if they aren’t what you expected or things don’t go right then you still have the chance to change your mind or come back when the circumstances are better.
I personally think they should do whatever it takes for one of them to stay there. If they have to downgrade their house in the long run-it’s just a house and doesn’t compare to a child. These are tough economic times and I wouldn’t want anyone to lose a job-but FMLA protects their job for 12 weeks (assuming they qualify for it). I would have way more empathy for them if they had done everything they could-stayed the entire FLMA time or whatever.
I’m sorry, leaving your child behind should never be an option. You don’t get to do it here in the US and you shouldn’t get to do it in China or any other country. What would we be saying if someone from Germany or some other country came here to the States and their child -for whatever reason -was not allowed to travel home with them so they dropped her off at a local police station with a note saying they would come to get her when she could travel or tried to put her in the foster care system because they “had to get home”. People would be crucifying them and saying they don’t deserve to have children. This is no different IMO.
August 8th, 2009 at 1:23 am
They’ve written on their blog that they need both incomes to maintain what they have. If they do live in the DC area, yes, it’s expensive and understandable that they need both.
Where did anyone get the idea that Harper’s in an orphanage? She’s staying with an American expat family.
Harper is their daughter; the adoption is final and not in question. The issue is immigration. Hopefully it won’t take 6 months to clear her.
Like Momto4 wrote, let’s find ways to give support and not criticism. And find ways to prevent this from happening again.
August 8th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Which child do they leave for 6 months? The adopted child whose at home for several weeks already without them, or the adopted China who can’t get into the US?
I’d be thrilled if a person dropped off a child at a local police station or other safe place. Yes, you can leave your child behind even here. Illegal immigrants who are deported do so all the time. I think they shouldn’t cause family is more important than citizenship and in most cases they can be together in the country of parental origin.
There is a limit to a VISA on the side of the US family. I sure didn’t get a 6 month VISA when I went on my adoption trip. Most people don’t vacation for 6 months plus.
She is not a threat to public safety.
August 8th, 2009 at 1:44 am
How do we know they have not looked at all their options? How do we know they have a half a million dollar home? I personally don’t see them as abandoning her. I also do think this is different for a bio child. Bio children are not half a world away and then all of a sudden can’t come home. Do you have bio and adopted children? IMO you can’t compare this situation. A bio parent would not have a child in another country that could not come home. Are there any circumstances that would ever come close to having a bio child in this situation? There may be, I just can’t think of any. Those of you who have other children, how would you choose? Stay with one and leave the other(s) at home? Do you all have people who could care for your other child(ren) for 6 months and the financial resources to stay in China and possibly not pay half your bills for half a year. Plus the Mom would not be guaranteed her job after that length of time. I have to say I am surprised how hard some people are being on this family. Unless you have watched that video and see the heartbreak on that Dad’s face, I think it is hard to say they are not doing the best they can under the conditions they have been given
August 8th, 2009 at 1:46 am
I don’t get all the “giving her up” and “leaving her behind” comments. They didn’t disrupt the adoption?? They are coming back to get her ASAP.
If they come back to the U.S., they can better advocate for the waiver that they need from State/DHS. That might be faster than waiting around in China to meet the CDC requirements.
August 8th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Purple Monkey-
That is a point I had not even considered. My first stop would be at the CDC office. I would sit on that little bench outside that guys office until he agreed to see me.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:58 am
We live in NYC, one of the most expensive places in the country, and we largely do need my income. However, when my kid got sick and was in treatment for 2.5 long years, I took piles and piles of leave from my job and barely worked at all for one year. Yes, it hit us financially, especially as we were also facing 80K in uncovered expenses (even though we had insurance but thats a whole ‘nother story). We didn’t even think about it – we just jumped off the cliff. It was my son, after all. And we discovered that bosses and companies can be very understanding when needed.
So why doesn’t this family use all their FMLA leave? Why not one parent in the US and the other in China – that way neither child is separated? Or send the older child to China too. Or simply stay another week and try to think through options.
When we travelled, I always had at the back of my mind that something like this could happen. We brought our older kids with us, andI had my FMLA leave all set up. I think everyone needs to have a contingency plan in place.
August 8th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I would have found a way for one of us to stay, while the other went home to our other child, as well. It would have been very hard, but we’d have found a way even if it meant going into credit card dept to pay the bills and then getting a second mortgage to pay the credit cards once everything was resolved. But, I don’t know the specifics of this family’s situation, so I’m trying not to judge.
As of now it appears a non-profit is working to help them, and that they have asked people to not contact anyone on their behalf. There is even the suggestion that the CDC might be punishing the family and making things harder for them because the public contacted them on behalf of the family. If that is true then whoever is making decisions at CDC needs to not be in that position anymore. But we’ll worry about that after the family is home with their daughter.
August 8th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I find it amazing that people can judge this family without knowing their situation and walking in their shoes.
Instead of criticizing them for leaving, how about giving them some support.
Thoughts while people may take FMLA – some do not get paid for it. So they may have budgeted for no pay at home with FMLA they may not have the dollars to live in China. That is an extra expense – maybe they have no credit cards – many people live this way. Just because they live in DC doesn’t mean they are wealthy.
You do not know their situation. Stop the judgements.
My heart goes out to the family and Harper. The video was heartbreaking. Harper’s father was clearly upset he had to do this.
August 8th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Everyone is assuming both paretns have family leave. Not all companies are required to do this. I believe you need to have 50+ employees. If she is not with a comany that has it, she will lose her job. If she loses her job the family may no longer qualify under USCIS requirements. So they couldn’t bring her home anyway. Not all emplyers are sympathetic. We know how biased people can be against adoption and especially international adoption. I just wish we could give this family the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone has resources to stop their life for 6 months, especially in this economy.
August 8th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
I can’t believe people are judging what another family had to do under these circumstances. I’d probably pull out of an adoption program if these were the rules because I could not manage to relocate to China indefinitely with no notice. I have a job and financial responsibilities like the majority of the country and can’t just opt not to return. Yes it’s their child in the eyes of China but the child’s birth country should take the position to provide in the least, the new TB testing at the time they are matched so that in the event they test positive, they can be treated to safely return home. There was just a significant raise in the donation fee (which I supported) and now I’d like to see something worthwhile come of it in the form of better quality of care for these children. While I wouldn’t want to share a plane with someone with active TB but if the child is not considered contagious/active she should have been allowed to continue to the US with her new family. My heart goes out to this family and hope they never have to see the harsh words of strangers.
August 8th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I’d like to start off by saying its not my intention to pass judgment on the family or paint them as bad people. I don’t know what options they looked at or anything about their decisions other than what they’ve blogged about. I don’t, however, feel that they understand properly what its like to be the adoptee. It’s probably pretty hard to fathom the magnitude of this, unless you have walked in the little girl’s shoes. I have.
When I was 4 years old, the same age as Harper, my mom left me. She left me with my father’s parents (thankfully I was still with family and not dumped with strangers or at a fire or police station). I don’t have any very vivid memories of being abandoned, as I think I’ve blocked it out, but the repercussions have lasted a lifetime.
I’m 34 years old and I have dehabilitating abandonment issues. I am constantly afraid of being left. I’ve been married for 15 years (yes, I married young) and any time my husband is late, I automatically feel he has left. If I’m in a store and turn around and he’s not there, I immediately feel sick and panicked as if I’ve been abandoned. I find it extremely difficult to go places alone, for fear no one will be there when I come back. I also find it extremely hard to trust new people. People tell you they won’t ever leave you, but I never trust them. If your parents can leave, anyone can leave. It’s not worth the heartache to get close to people and then risk them leaving you.
I believe the Scruggs family is doing what they believe to be in the best interest of their family. I cannot imagine that they know the damage this could do to Harper and still feel finances are the priority. When I watched the video of them leaving her, and her screaming in China please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, and let me tell you it was the hardest thing I’ve ever witnessed, I saw a little girl who will have a very difficult time ever trusting anyone again. She was abandoned once before, whether or not her parents had a choice or if it was difficult for them, and she managed to trust a new set of parents and let her guard down, and she got hurt again. A four year old cannot understand this is temporary and her parents will come back in 6 months. All she can understand is that her worst fears have come true, and she has gotten burned again. I was that little girl. How can her heart heal again? How can she trust again? What will she feel when they come back in 6 months to get her? Watching that video was like watching a snuff film. I felt as though I was watching something so traumatic and personal to this little one. Oh if my grandparents had videotaped my mother leaving me and my reaction…I can’t even imagine.
As someone who has lived this, not the exact same scenario, but being 4 years old and having a parent leave you for whatever reason (I have reunited with my mother and she insists she had a very good reason for leaving me, and that she left me in the best place she could) I absolutely positively cannot support the idea that finances or even a completely bonded and attached other child would be more important than not reabandoning this little one who doesn’t understand. And again, just to clarify, I do NOT believe the Scruggs’ are bad people. I don’t believe they are purposely putting finances ahead of Harper. I don’t believe they are purposely exploiting her in the video. I don’t believe they are aware of the damage this will cause to Harper. I do not mean to judge or villify them. However, from personal experience, I do believe this decision to leave her will have very dire consequences and will effect this child for the rest of her life, and I do not believe this traumatic event should’ve been taped and shown to the world.
These are my personal feelings, and others are free to disagree. However, if you ask people walk a mile in their shoes before they comment, I have. Every single day of my life i walk in that girls shoes. I hope someday she can heal where I have not been able to.
Marsha – mom to Miaoxin (5) – adopted at age 2 from Huazhou, Guangdong and Qi (10)- adopted at age 8 from Lianyungang, Jiangsu and bio kids Jacob, Gage and Skyelar. Adoptee-lite raised by grandparents from age 4-18. Reunited with mother and siblings at age 18.
August 8th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
KMS, please use appropriate language. Swearing icons???
For your info, Mr. Scruggs is an architect. Ms. Litchford is a grad of Virginia Polytech. They also used to have a comic strip read by a half a million people. I highly doubt either of them are working at McDonald’s in Alexandria to make ends meet. (And the people who do work at McD’s in Alex. probably have to drive a long ways to work.)(By the way- I worked at McD’s for six years so I’m not slamming fast food employees.)
My whole point with the bio vs. adopted child (I have both, by the way) is that the amount of love you have with a bio child is so great that you would never consider abandoning them. Also, the amount of love you have for an adopted child who has been living with you for a while is also so great you would never consider abandoning them, either. I know that because a child is bio, this govt. red tape thing probably wouldn’t happen. I’m just using this to illustrate the fact that these parents apparently, even though they probably don’t realize it – are not fully considering her their daughter if they have made the decision to leave her. Subconsciously they haven’t made that full attachment. Attachment takes a lot of time and effort. My daughter screamed nonstop for the first three days I had her. I told my husband I didn’t know if I could go through with this. Fortunately, he slapped some sense into me and told me she was our daughter and that leaving or exchanging her was not an option.
Also, I’m not suggesting they stay in China and abandon the son they have at home. I’m suggesting that one parent stay with each child.
My apologies to any birth parents out there for saying it is heartless to abandon a child. A sixteen year old birth parent is in a very different position than two married middle aged college graduates with professional careers.
Finally, to those of you who say you are working to make ends meet: Do you own a laptop? (Every last person typing on this forum must have a computer.) A cell phone? Does each of your children have a cell phone, too? Do you do text-messaging? Do you have Ti-vo? Does your kitchen have granite countertops? Stainless steel appliances? Do you listen to music on an i-pod? Does your home have crown moulding? Hardwood floors? Is there a plasma or flat screen TV hanging on your wall? Do you have hollow doors or solid six panel doors? Do you kids play with a Wii? How about an X-box? Do you shop at Gap? Abercrombie and Fitch? Do you drive a Suburban or a vehicle of similar size? All of these things cost a fortune. This is why our economy is in the hole. People bought things they couldn’t afford and now it’s coming back to haunt everyone. They are busting their butts at work to pay for these things. Those of you who think you’re struggling are the richest people in the world in the eyes of someone living in a mud hut in Africa. Good grief.
As for me criticizing this family- I see a social injustice and I’m crying out for the sake of the child. I don’t care what the parents think. I also believe what the family is enduring with the CDC is a social injustice and I signed their petition. Sooo, I’m speaking out against this policy, too. You guys have never spoken out against something you didn’t agree with? How many of you have criticized a govt. official without knowing the whole story of why he/she did a certain act? Do you really think that the news media always gives you all the facts and always provides an accurate account of both sides of the story? You can’t tell me every time you’ve spoken against someone you’ve had 100 percent of the facts.
This is part of being an American. We get to voice our opinions when we don’t agree with something. And I don’t agree with what these parents are doing. Enough said.
August 9th, 2009 at 12:22 am
One parent staying with each child means that the other parent would be separate from the other child. As far as they are concerned an abandonment of sorts. And the parents from each other. These parents haven’t abandoned either child. Just had to find others to care for under ridiculous circumstances. This is a sick child, this isn’t war or some significant reason why separation should have to happen.
I’m not taking away the person living on a dollar a day. Many of us are seeing beyond this family’s particular circumstances. Though I still see no blame. Coming up with tens of thousands to complete an adoption and be united with an ill child then to have the stress of immigration fiasco which exponentially compounds things leading to more financial and emotional strain isn’t fair to anyone, not even an architect.
Social justice. It’s not that some people are poor and some aren’t and the rich should take of those who are poor. Well it’s a part but the main solution is to prevent them from having to live in the hut/cardboard box in the first place.
Is it okay they loose their jobs cause they have had too much education and can get another one? Is it okay to loose their house because they didn’t have a year’s emergency in the bank and they lived in a too expensive area to begin with?
A $300 laptop is hardly enough to sell to live in China for 6-9 months and extra back and forth airfare to China after paying 20K in adoption expenses in the last year while keeping your current bills up to date with a 50-100% loss of income. US standard of poverty is different than another place in the world. So is the cost of living. They are trying not to spend money they don’t have exactly why you said; because people bought things they couldn’t afford. And we have seen the results finally!
And why all this fuss? Cause she isn’t likely contagious and for some reason that isn’t enough.
August 9th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I quote,
“These parents haven’t abandoned either child. Just had to find others to care for under ridiculous circumstances.”
So according to this logic, these parents finding babysitters for their daughter in China does not qualify as abandonment. If it was so practical for them to leave their daughter with another family, why then is not in OK for them to “find others to care for their SON under ridiculous circumstances.” ? He has bonded to them. Why is leaving their son with a sitter in the U.S abandonment, but leaving their daughter with a sitter in China is not abandonment? Huh?
Also, this child is four. A four-year-old does not understand that being left for months with another family is not abandonment. Children that age have no concept of time.
Even the family feels they have abandoned her. Their blog states that she has been abandoned for the fourth time in four years.
Another thing that irks me is that this family didn’t seem to try very hard to work something out so that they could stay longer. I quote from their blog, “An extended stay for either of us would probably mean the loss of a job.” Probably? Did they actually talk to their bosses and explain the situation to see if something could be worked out so that they could stay longer?
And here’s one final comment on the accusations that I’ve been judging without knowing the whole story. What about the CDC? It seems like everyone has been judging them without hearing THEIR side of the story. I have yet to read an official press release from someone high up at the CDC stating why this child has not been allowed to leave. (Probably because of medical confidentiality.). Therefore, we have no way of knowing their rationale.
Even though I really disagree with the parents’ decision to leave this little girl and I really hate govt. red tape- we have to admit we’ve only heard one side of the story.
And yes, it is OK for them to lose their jobs (which we don’t even know is what would happen). A child ALWAYS comes before a job. A job is a thing. A house is a thing. A child is a living being and cannot be replaced.
August 9th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
I feel I need to comment on the suggestion that this child is somehow doomed to years and years of attachment issues. No matter what someone’s own story may be, it is not possible or even appropriate to attempt to diagnose aht another individual may experience. Circumstances do not guarantee anything. My child, based on her history was a prime candidates for very significant abandonment issues, based on her when she was found time and experience in the SWI, and other factors. She has been home for less than a year. and while the future will unfold as it may, she is thriving. She does not even require any services. She has persevered and is doing great. An abandoned child does not usually have a parent explian that they are coming back, leave them in a caring home, talk to them every night, etc. The reality is that this child is loved and cared for,and will be for the rest of her life- god willing. This is not a good situation It does not help to have a lynch mob. Leave this family alone. Freedm of speech does not mean you get to condemn the choices of people you do not know – just fr the heck of it. Good Lord.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I wasn’t diagnosing her. I was saying what my personal experience was and that I fear the same *could* happen to her. I’ve never met her. I also wasn’t condemning others “just for the heck of it”. I said repeatedly I didn’t think the family were doing this purposely, but wanted to share what happened to me. And it was certainly NOT just for the heck of it. This is something I feel very strongly about. Why is it not okay I shared my story? I don’t get it.
August 10th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I would like to apologize if my words came across as badmouthing or judging the Scruggs family. I tried to choose my words very carefully so as to show I did not, and do not feel they are bad people or that they are knowingly doing anything wrong. I also wanted to express that I was speaking about my own personal experience and not trying to diagnose anyone. I thought my personal story could be of value to people here, and that was all. What is done with Harper is done. I just wanted for others to think about what attachment means for adopted children and how breaks in attachment *could* be detrimental for them for a long time. This was my only intention, not to hurt or slander the Scruggs family. Thank you.
August 10th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
MsG-
Your child may have been bounced from person to person- but did you personally leave her for a long period of time and return again? Yes, you are correct that this young lady in question may not have attachment issues- but we don’t know this. There’s a strong possibility that she may.
And, if this little girl was not traumatized by this, why does she get so upset in the video? I cannot get myself to watch it, but everyone who has watched has said things like “gut wrenching”, “broke my heart”, etc.
If this family wanted to be left alone, they shouldn’t have publicized such personal details of their lives for all the world to see.
And, once again, we judge the choices of people we don’t know all the time – whether we know it or not. Don’t you ever read a newspaper article and form an opinion in your mind one way or another? Have you ever condemned Hitler? Stalin? Saddam? If you don’t have a highly favorable opinion of these guys, then you are condemning them even though you didn’t know them.
It seems as if the Scruggs can do no wrong. Apparently, leaving your child behind in a foreign country is perfectly OK with 90% of the people who have commented on this thread. Careers come first. Houses come second. Kids come third.
August 10th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Now I am completely done feeling sorry for this family. They are paying the mortgage on a $550,000 house. She is giving up her daughter so she can live in a half a million dollar home. I guess simplifying their lifestyles is completely out of the question???
August 10th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Although I also agree that one of the parents should have stayed in China, I do need to point out that in many areas, especially where I live, 550K just gets you a small middle of the road house, not a mansion! We live outside of NYC. Our house is 1700 sq feet, on a 50×100 lot, and is 89 years old, but it would probably sell for that much even in this depressed market. The house next to us, a similar size and age, went for 880K at the height of the market. We were very lucky that we bought our house back when houses were cheaper. So I wouldn’t assume that the Scruggs family is rich just because of their house price.
I do really really think everyone needs to have a contingency plan in place in case they need to stay in China longer than planned. It isn’t fair to the child being adopted to not have that level of planning in place.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Yes, I don’t think their house is by any means a mansion. That is a good point. I hope they are living there because that’s where their families are and they want to be near their families. Otherwise, there are a lot of cheaper places to live. That’s why I made the comment earlier in this thread about our friends who saw what living near DC was doing to their finances and left for AZ. We live in a place we can afford, in “the sticks.” We don’t have professional sports or symphony orchestra concerts nearby- and people probably think we’re dull and backwards, but this is what our budget allows and we manage very well here. We had $250,000 more to work with for our adoption than this family because that is the cost difference in our homes. $250,000 will buy you a lot of extra nights in China. I’d love to live in someplace more exciting- but not at the cost of going deep into debt.
You mentioned the contingency plan. I was thinking that everyone really does need to be prepared for a delay. What if a typhoon hit and you couldn’t get out of China when you wanted? Or an earthquake? Or your child ended up in the hospital from a run-of-the-mill virus? Our friends in town got a NSN girl a few years ago. She was handed to them on Gotcha Day with a 105 degree fever and they ended up spending some time in the hospital. You just never know what life is going to throw at you. What if Harper had been in the hospital?
August 10th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I think it would be great of RQ would put a halt to the bashing of this family, specifically by sticks dweller. There is a lot of ASSumption going on about this family because of their locale and education? I live in NYC and have a master’s degree but that doesn’t mean I have the means to just not work. I am not a homeowner and have actually earned everything I have from hard work and nothing else. I have no dishwasher, nor fancy SUV, no granite countertops nor jaunts to Europe. What I have among many things is compassion for someone else who likely had to make a very difficult decision to choose between their child at home and their newly adopted child in China. I’ve known families who disrupted in China because they didn’t like the way the child looked or had developmental delays which are common and find that disgraceful. My grandmother lives in a 3/4 million dollar apartment in NY but purchased it 28 years ago when it was purchased for $115k. Does that means we assume because she lives in this upscale area that she doesn’t need to clip coupons and shop at the dollar store because she does? I find the behavior of “sticks” to be deplorable and if they have nothing better to do than”google” the professions and education of others…how sad for them.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
I would have stayed. I’m single, I have more than one child, and if faced with the situation, as horrific as it was, I would have figured out a way to stay. If that meant begging and borrowing from my family and friends, if it meant selling my house and moving in with others when I got home, if it meant pulling my other child out of school and homeschooling in China, whatever it meant, I would have done it. Because I don’t leave my kids behind. I don’t. I committed to my child when I adopted her. Completely. As completely as my birth child. I would have stayed and taken the financial hit, the career hit, the personal hit, and the HUGE jolt of anxiety because that’s what I do as a parent. All the time. And no, I don’t have a clue about this family’s situation, and perhaps if I were them, I would have chosen to come back. I only know what I would have done. What I would do. What I will do, if I’m lucky enough to ever get a referral. I will stay.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
First how do you know they have a 550,000 mortgage? you must be doing a lot “research” on a family you have no connections to.
Do you think they can just go “home” and sell a house in this economy? Get real. Just because they live in this house doesn’t mean they are wealthy. There are families today that are sitting on homes with mortgages that are double than what their house is currently worth.
I get that some people would not have done what the Scruggs did. Only THEY can JUDGE what they did is right for their family as a whole not just its pieces.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
OK. You guys win.
I get it. House first. Career second. Child last.
It’s obvious I’m about to be booted off this forum, so this is goodbye.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:28 am
ANY change in lifestyle will necessitate an updated home study or addendum that MUST be approved by the local CIS offices before travel to China.
The Scruggs have enough to deal with without their lives becoming even more complicated.
August 11th, 2009 at 7:36 am
The scary thing is I thought sticks was a man and now I believe I am wrong. THAT is even more disturbing. This isn’t about what comes first in the priority line but let’s face facts here. If one or both of the parents lose their job it may be a huge issue, So now you have two children experiencing loss; the one at home and the one in China. How do you decide which one is more important? Both children are adopted I believe so both have the same risk factors. My daughter comes first but I couldn’t safely or adequately parent here without an income or roof over my head.
August 11th, 2009 at 9:30 am
LadyBuggin,
I live in NYC and completely back up everything you say. Look, when I first read of this story, I thought, Oh my God, how perfectly horrible! How can they be asked to leave their child behind.”? Then as I read some of these responses, I realized- Oh, of course! you DON’T! You stay with your child, period. I am sure they considered this. But, they have to do what is right for their family. Period. I am a singe parent. If I had stayed, I would have come home with a child to no home and no job to support her. Sure- I can live with friend or family, beg off of them. Etc. But- as someone said, that A) changes my status with USCIS, and B) just may not work for me and my child in the long run. I have NO IDEA what I would have done. I do know, I hope to God, that my decision would not be food for fodder but hose who do not know me, if I found the courage to reach out to he community for help. The very community that would then attack me!
August 11th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Wow. A whole lot of people seem to feel entitled to pass judgment on this family. I don’t get that *at all.* Until you’ve walked in their shoes, you have no business commenting on whether their choice was right or wrong. Your own experiences are irrelevant in the lives of this family. And sticks, you are so far out of line in making judgments about where they live, how much money they might earn given their professions, how much their mortgage probably is (can anyone say “cyberstalker?” creepy.), that I feel physically ill reading your comments here.
I like to think that if my husband and I were put in this position, we would move heaven and earth to make it possible for one of us to stay. But I am lucky. My employer is incredibly family-friendly and flexible. Or if absolutely necessary, we could live temporarily without my husband’s income. My family is infinitely supportive and would do all they could to help us. Still, given all that, I don’t know if we could pull it off. Until you’re actually faced with all the complexity–financial, logistical, emotional–of splitting your family between two continents for an indefinite period of time, YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO JUDGE.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Ms G, like you I am a single parent and a damn good one. The reality is the majority of us are middle class, middle income families who have invested much time and money into creating our families. If I had no job and no place to sleep my daughter would NOT in fact be better off with me because in China she did have a roof over her head. If we’re to adopt children, it’s to give them a stable family environment. In the least they deserve that. I sure hope I never have to live this family’s nightmare but if I did I sure wouldn’t look to people like those passing judgement for help. This is exactly why some people bare what they perceive is shame for tough adjustments, post adoption depression, divorce, emotional distress and all those other challenges that come with parenting a new child.