Resolution
Of the three of us mom’s (the dad’s had input, too, but it was us mom’s on the phone with each other discussing it), we had three extremes of not liking the choice. One mom would prefer her child not do it, but was hesitant to make waves, though she said she would back us up in whatever we did to get it stopped. I had no problems asking for it to be stopped now, but would not have done so once the kids started practicing it. And the third mom was prepared to go as high as necessary in order to keep her child from performing this song.
I volunteered to talk to the music teacher, saying that I wouldn’t go higher than that, so I may as well do the part I was willing to do. I realized that if I wasn’t successful then the other mom would have been going to the principal next, and higher if necessary.
GG likes to get to school early so she can talk to her friends, and I generally get her there about 25 minutes before the first bell rings. They have to stay in the auditorium until the first bell rings, which means I could drop in and talk to the teacher without being seen by the students. So, I dropped GG off and then parked in the front lot and went inside, hoping the music teacher would already be in her classroom. And she was. I introduced myself and asked her if she had a few minutes for me, and she said of course.
I told her that I’d been told that GG’s class had been assigned It’s a Hard Knock Life, and told her that I wasn’t there to make demands, but that if I had caught her early enough in the process I’d like for her to take a few things into consideration.
I explained some of the conditions at GG’s orphanage and showed her a few pictures. She looked puzzled and said, “Yes, but she’s a baby here, it is impossible she remembers any of this.”
I showed her my next picture, with GG visiting again a few years ago, and suddenly I saw that she got it. She looked horrified and said, “I had no idea. I thought she was a baby, I didn’t know she would know where she came from.”
We talked a bit about why it is important to talk about these things when children are young, that they should never remember being told they were adopted, it should be something they’ve always known… and that means you have to answer a lot of questions that are tough, at a pretty young age. We also talked about TT’s orphanage, and how GG still has anger about the fact that they didn’t give her little sister enough food to eat.
I told the music teacher that under normal circumstances I don’t shy away from adoption related things, but that this particular song, and these particular lyrics, were just too much to deal with on an ongoing basis. She completely understood, and will be choosing another song. I thanked her, and told her that I hoped I had caught her early enough in the process that it wouldn’t be too much trouble. She said that I had, and told me even if I hadn’t she would still want to change it, now that she understood.
I told her I had no problems with using another song from Annie, and even made a few suggestions. I tried to be as clear as possible in letting her know that I didn’t want her to feel that she had to steer completely away from anything relating to adoption, and that my issue here was the fact that these particular lyrics would be done over and over and over. She was very understanding, and I think felt a bit embarrassed that she hadn’t considered it.
I then stopped by the language arts teacher’s class and told her what I’d done. She said she had a feeling I might want to do that, and I thanked her again for giving me the heads up.
Thanks to everyone who commented yesterday. It did help me to know that I wasn’t completely overreacting. And I feel pretty good about my conversation with the music teacher.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
You handled it beautifully!!!! Our elementary school is used to having parents express their “concern” over issues like that. But you do have to be careful how you approach it because some will get defensive. I am sure you have earned the respect of many at that school!!!
October 30th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
***standing up from chair and clapping****
Thank you RQ, you did the right thing and I’m so happy that the teacher was so understanding.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Congratulations on the result and also for educating the teacher. It sounds like you handled the ignorant “I thought she was a baby then” view particularly well.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Good job! Great news!
October 30th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Glad it ended well, but am surprised that whether she remembered being in an orphanage would make any difference to the teacher.
Honestly, it wouldn’t matter to me if my child themselves even cared.
To make a former orphan dress up and sing about being a neglected & abused orphan is pure HUMILIATION.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
p12, I agree with you. You are absolutely correct–my sentiments exactly!
RQ, I’m so glad this is over! Good for you!
October 30th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
You handled it superbly, and the teacher responded equally superbly. As much as we adoptive parents may despise the role of “adoption educator”, we are, in fact, that very thing, simply by virtue of having adopted children. We must be ever mindful that unless a person is intimately linked to adoption, we cannot blame them for being ignorant. We once were too.
Again, kudos RQ. Well Done!
China4
October 30th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Honestly, I think she didn’t consider that they (GG and the others) had once been orphans. They aren’t an orphan now, they have a family who cares about them a great deal. And of the four IA children in the class, only two are obviously adopted. The main teachers know their backgrounds, but I’m not sure the other teachers do, and like I said, the music teacher is new.
And then once I pointed it out, she apparently still didn’t think the kids were identifying as being an orphan. They aren’t an orphan anymore, after all.
As soon as she saw the picture of GG as an older child on a visit to the orphanage, she got it. They may not be orphans, but they once were, they know that they once were, and these words have the ability to cause pain.
It’s just a matter of perspective, I think. Until we give them our perspective, most people don’t get it.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
woo-hoo! Great work and approach RQ.
And three cheers for the music teacher. I would not have expected her to have understood all of this in advance. But awesome response once she understood. Most people are great people if you give them the chance!
October 30th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
As both a teacher and an AP, I really like the way that you handled the situation. More often than not, it is the manner with which a parent makes a request of me (rather than the actual request itself) that plays a heavier role in determining my response.
I think that respect was demonstrated by and for all involved.
Kudos to all of you!
M2I
http://www.MyChineseShamrock.blogspot.com
October 30th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
RQ – I just love how you handled this. As a teacher, if someone approached me the way you did – calmly, with the intent to educate, I probably would have hugged you. So often parents come in yelling and screaming, and, sadly, it’s usually about far less then this (ie, “how on earth could you assign my daughter an entire novel to read in a month when you know she plays on 3 soccer teams???”). You did a service not just for your girls, but for every other child that this teacher teaches. I love parents like you – I wish there were more of them.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
A happy ending! So refreshing to hear such a positive reaction and outcome–and of course I agree it as said before that it is due in part to how you approached the situation. I find most people don’t mean to be hurtful–and it is usually best to take the calm approach first. At least that is what I tell myself and sometimes have to take a few steps back before I can respond or address these things that come up.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Very. Well. Done.
Kudos for both being and setting an example.
Thank you!
October 30th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Oh, what a relief. So glad it worked out for you.
I’m thankful you posted this issue. My first daughter is in grade 1 and this Monday must give a 2 minute oral presentation on her birth story. This whole post has given me some ideas on how to best handle it. Wish me luck!
October 31st, 2009 at 12:03 am
I’m so glad this all worked out. It sounds like everyone involved handled it so well. Kudos to you and to the music teacher. As a teacher myself, I agree that when a parent talks to us in a clear and rational matter it’s easier to understand where they are coming from. What a great resolution. Happy Halloween! :)
October 31st, 2009 at 8:59 am
Glad it worked out. Some people just don’t get it without some help………………………
It’s nice to know the light bulb does go on………………..
October 31st, 2009 at 10:19 am
I’m really glad that the school was willing to work with you and it went so well.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:21 am
I’m so glad this went so well and it sounds like GG has a very caring teacher.