My thoughts on the benefits of Parenting Books
To start with I’ll say that TA’s are still rolling in, but I don’t see any new rumors.
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Some people read parenting books and do everything they say, even the stuff that doesn’t feel right.
Others read parenting books and disagree with a few things in the book so they discount everything else, too.
I read parenting books and think about what the author (or authors) are saying, then make up my own mind as to whether that fits with my parenting style or not. Also, in some cases I have to think about whether that will work with an adopted child who spent time in an institution, vs a biological child who has always been with their family. The point is, I keep the bits that help, and thoughtfully discard the bits that don’t.
The perfect example of this is Siblings Without Rivalry
Sometimes I can learn as much from a book that I don’t agree with as I can from a book I agree with. If the authors take the time to explain themselves and the research (and logic) that backs up their thinking, then even if I don’t agree with them, they’ve helped me take a stand in whatever that particular subject matter is, and if I haven’t done that before, then that means I end up knowing more about the subject, and my views of the subject, than I did before reading the book. I would rather read a book I agree with, but my mom has given me things to read that I strongly disagreed with but still managed to get something out of them.
A lot of parenting books tell us that we should praise our kids, should encourage them even when they are doing bad. And I see a lot of parents, teachers, and coaches taking this advice and then saying “good job” even when the child isn’t doing a good job. I personally feel that this is a terrible thing to do, and I don’t tell my kids they are doing a good job unless they are actually doing a good job. I tell them that was a good try, I tell them I’m proud of them for trying so hard, I tell them it was much better than yesterday, etc. But I don’t tell them it is “good” until it is actually good. I try to never lie to them, and telling them they did good when they didn’t isn’t going to build trust, is it?
One of GG’s coaches says “good job” to just about everything. And as a result, GG doesn’t believe him when he says it. She sees him saying it to others when they obviously did not do a good job, and she’s smart enough to know that means she can’t necessarily believe him when he tells her good job. I see her looking at me for an opinion when he tells her good job. Since I’m usually at a distance and can’t talk to her verbally – if it was really good then I give her a thumbs up, if it was a good attempt then I give her the “so so” sign with my hand, and if it was terrible and I don’t think she tried very hard then I just smile at her (and sometimes do a small left to right headshake). For a really terrible attempt I’ve been known to grimace, but I try not to do that too often.
At home, when she’s trying really hard and it’s still terrible I tell her that I can see she’s trying really hard, and then we talk about specific things she might do to make it better. We break it down into small components and work on them piece by piece, and then put the pieces together. As long as she’s trying then I find ways to give positive reinforcement, but I don’t tell her it’s good until it is actually good.
TwinkleToes’ speech therapist seems to think like I do, because she only says “that was perfect” or “I understood exactly what you said” when TT actually does it right. When TT is trying and not getting it then the speech therapist praises her for trying so hard, or tells her she’s getting better and better and before long she’ll have it (but she only says that last one when TT does seem to be well on the way toward getting it).
Along the same lines, I believe an important life skill is how to take constructive criticism as constructive, and how to use it as advice in how to do better. I see teachers working around subjects so that they aren’t giving constructive criticism, they are subtly making suggestions in how to do it another way. I appreciate that they are worried about self esteem issues, I just wonder if this is truly the best way to prepare kids for the real world. I get that this is the ideal for four year olds, and I mostly use that technique with TwinkleToes… but I think GlitterGirl is old enough to hear, “it’s getting better but it’s still a bit awkward in the middle, why don’t you try….” But some of her friends hear that and immediately say “I am not awkward!”. How are these kids going to survive in the workplace if they get defensive over every piece of constructive criticism given to them?
Further complicating things when I read parenting books is the fact that GG’s chronological age doesn’t really work out all that well when buying and reading the books geared towards a particular age, or sometimes even a particular age group. She’s intellectually about four years older than her actual age, and she has several classes with kids three and four years older than her. But it’s more complicated than that, because emotionally she’s about a year behind her chronological age. I run into a similar problem with TT because her emotional age is a full two years less than her chronological age, since she spent two years in an institution. So I end up reading three or four ages for GG and two ages for TT if I want to read about their particular age.
I guess I got off on a few tangents, but my originally intended point was that I don’t think I’ve ever read a parenting book that I completely agreed with. And yet I believe I’m a much better parent for having read most of the parenting books that I’ve read.
Are there any books you read that were a huge light bulb moment for you? Are there any books you completely disagreed with, that you didn’t get anything out of at all?
I did some research yesterday and came up with the following books that I think I might be interested in reading. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the authors of Siblings without Rivalry have written a book about parenting teens. Of course, I’m not interested in reading all of these, so I probably need to spend an afternoon in a book store and look through some of them and try to narrow it down to two or three of these:
- How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
- Parenting Teens With Love And Logic
- The Everything Tween Book: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Turbulent Pre-Teen Years
- Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens
- Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers
- Mom, Jason’s Breathing on me!
- I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict
- Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind
- Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They’re Really Saying
- 7 Things Your Teenager Won’t Tell You: And How to Talk About Them Anyway
- Positive Discipline for Teenagers
November 18th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Trees Make the Best Mobiles: Simple Ways to Raise Your Child in a Complex World ~ Jessica Teich
I absolutely have loved this book, and have given it as gifts to new parents. It discusses simple, practical parenting ideas. It is written in short 1-2 page chapter format. You can read all the way through, or pick and choose. I agree with RQ. I like parenting books, but pick and choose from them what fits for our style.
November 18th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Once again – thank you for your time and caring to this world wide community we are a part of.
Excellent post (and timely as I’m recently home with “the sibling” and it’s a bit “rock ‘n roll” at times.
:)
http://www.atlastmilanascominhome.blogspot.com
November 18th, 2009 at 11:29 am
As a mother and a teacher I could not agree with you more with regard to being honest, and giving children consequences for their actions. I realize there is a movement for constant positive re-enforcement in order to build self esteem, but the reality is that is not the real world. I’ve seen what happens when kids come to Kindergarten who have never been given consequences at home. I assure you, it’s a nightmare. Furthermore, with regard to school work I also agree that it’s a dis-service telling kids “good job” when it’s not. In my opinion, it’s an insult to their intelligence and encourages them not to challenge themselves.
November 18th, 2009 at 11:37 am
i found this to be a good/interesting article (as a not-yet parent)
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
November 18th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Love to find out about some books on very active children (not hyper–just very active!!)
I am a picker and chooser too. I love to read parenting books because it gives me insight into what might be going on in other parents’ minds (which sometimes explains a lot) and it also gives me new ideas. But now that DD is 3 I seem to have hit a dead end…doesn’t seem to be a lot out there for this age group? Any thoughts?
I totally agree with the idea of being honest with our kids when giving praise. Let’s face it…our kids are pretty smart and constant praise rings false with them.
November 18th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
We tend to parent the same way. I am big on consequences. And not a big fan of the good job that was wonderful, when it isn’t.
Love books, love research. I mull, think about what I agree with and don’t and why. Think what will be good for my girl. And work from there. My husband calls me the what if girl, because I like to what if things all the way out……………….
Lots of good books on the list………………….
I like this one too, really speaks to not parenting to the lowest standard but keeping your bar high. Might not agree with all his exact actions but got a few ideas for my stepson, and even hubby is slowly coming on board.
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Discipline-Great-Teens-Guarendi/dp/0867168358
November 18th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I have never read a parenting book, however, the people that I felt could give me t he best advice was my dh’s family. They all have great kids, they are respectful, kind, compassionate and very successful in the things they do. The older ones have all graduated from University and are not in their chosen field. I found this quite astonishing since my family is completely opposite. I asked them what techniques they raised to have such successful children. These are the things they suggested and do.
1. Be a parent, not a friend.
2. Follow through with discipline.
3. They only gave positive re-inforcement when it was deserved.
4. If one of the children wanted to join something recreational then they had to finish it even if they didn’t like it. After the time period ended then they didn’t have to do it again.
5. They all had chores to do. If one of the girls wanted an expensive item of clothing, then they would put a certain amount of money towards it, the rest they had to save.
6. They had family vacations twice a year, and one they could each bring a friend, the other was just family.
7. They said to listen to your children very carefully, not matter the age. What they have to say is important too.
8. Nip any inappropriate behavior in the bud instantly, don’t wait until later.
9. Do not allow your child to control the environment or argue with them. You are the parent. Listen, but you ultimately decide. You can compromise with older children.
10. Encourage them in everything they do, do not compare with other children in the house,
if the best they can achieve is a B, then celebrate that. If you feel they can do better then positive guidance towards that goal is worked on.
11. Community and helping others.
12. They say as a family we laugh together, cry together and celebrate together. You get what you put into it.
So far it has worked great with our kids.
November 18th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
oops that should be they are in their chosen field.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
2qts4me-
I love what you wrote. I think I’ll print it and keep it on the wall in my office. Great advice.
RQ-
I couldn’t agree with you more regarding consequences to behavior. As a teacher, I often feel like I have to work harder teaching my freshmen the importance of their decisions (and the consequences that follow) than I do with my 3YO daughter.
Some of these teenagers seem astonished that I follow through with what I say I’ll do… as if no one has ever done that in their life before. It both saddens me (because they have reached 14 years of age without anyone holding them accountable) and frustrates me (that a teacher is doing what a parent should have done over a decade before).
M2I
http://www.MyChineseShamrock.blogspot.com
November 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Were you at my house last night? I would LOVE some great tips on parenting teens! Either that or skip those years! LOL Thanks for the book suggestions.
November 18th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
It’s not a parenting book, but one book I found extremely interesting was NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. The NY Magazine article about the inverse power of praise is included and elaborated on in the book. It’s not a manual, but a presentation of various studies done of children and with children that have been misinterpreted or overlooked. For example, how telling kids “good job” has the opposite effect, why kids in multi-ethnic schools are less likely to have cross-racial friendships, how making a child keep a “gratitude journal” does nothing for teaching them gratitude, and so on.
November 18th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
DD#1 is 6 and has been taking ballet since 2. This year she has a teacher who only says great job…and with so much enthusiasm. It makes me want to throw up! DD#1 is at the point where she really wants to get better. Constructive criticism…yes, kids can take it. Moving on next year to another dance studio and I know what to look for now.
The only parenting book that I’ve found to be helpful for understanding my kids and DH is Raising Your Spirited Child. A few techniques have been helpful but more than anything it has given me an understanding of both of my daughters AND DH.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:15 am
I agree, there is way too much high fiving for doing what they are suppose to do, and too much gushing praise for doing something not unusual. When my kids make their beds and tidy their rooms, I thank them for remembering to do it, but I don’t jump around the room with a camcorder filming it or gushing endless praise. They are suppose to do that, it is part of living with a family.
Most young children have very little concept of the word gratitude, so why would they keep a journal on it. My friend was absolutely blown away by all the pomp and ceremony that went with her dd graduating from kindergarten. She said this is going overboard. Her dd thought she had finished with school LOL.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I understand Faber’s attitude toward conferences a little differently — I believe she opposes parent-imposed consequences, which are different from natural consequences. e.g., the natural consequence of throwing your milk at your brother (real-life example from my morning…) is that it makes a mess somebody needs to clean up (preferably the thrower), and you’re out of milk. A parent-imposed consequence would be a time out, or perhaps the removal of some privilege.
I abhor the “Love and Logic” books. We took classes on that method & tried it for about a year, and my husband & I both feel we damaged our relationship with our son. We hope it’s not permanent damage.
My favorites include Raising Your Spirited Child, Unconditional Parenting, and Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. I think the common theme among these books is that parenting & discipline is not so much about changing a child’s behavior as it is about the strength of the relationship between parent and child.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
One parenting book that I loved was “Soft-Spoken Parenting” by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. It’s a fast and easy read, with some great advice for parents. I found it particularly useful when my daughter was in the terrible-three’s (she skipped the terrible two’s).
November 20th, 2009 at 11:03 am
I really liked Talking with Young Children about Adoption by Watkins and Fisher http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Young-Children-about-Adoption/dp/0300063172/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258729007&sr=8-1
The real life examples helped me to look at it the way children think, instead of the adult perspective. The research is a chapter on its own, so you can read or not read, depending on your interest in that aspect.
While not a parenting book, I’m finding Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman a very insightful read (but kind of heavy on the research side) It does have some chapters on helping your child to be optimistic and therefore happier.
http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258729130&sr=1-1
I agree with RQ’s thoughts on you don’t always need to agree with the author, you just need to learn alternatives to help form your own style for what fits your family. I have found that some things I couldn’t make fit my style when my kids were little, fit well as they got older.