A New Thought – Birthparents finding kids
When I’ve thought of the possibility of one or both of my daughters someday meeting their birthparents, it has always been under the context of my girls doing the searching. I’ve never considered that someday their birth parents may come looking for them.
But yesterday I realized that someday it could be a possibility. Imagine a different China, 20 plus years from now, where there might not be governmental or societal consequences for admitting you once abandoned a child. If a family wanted to find the child they could not raise, it is possible they could convince someone at the SWI to look for the records of a child who was found on a certain date at a certain location and find out who adopted that child, and what that child’s name was changed to, and what country (and city) that child was adopted to, and the names of the parents who adopted that child.
I’ve talked to my mom about how it isn’t that GG and TT’s records are sealed, it is that there are no records to seal. There is nothing on any document (official or otherwise) that says who her birthmother is.
But going the other direction, for a birthfamily looking for the child, that’s not true. There are records that can be found. Whether they can get the information in those records will probably vary greatly by whoever is in charge in that province, as well as how much guanxi the family has, or if there is no guanxi then possibly how much money the family is able to pay for the information. For some families it may take nothing more than a phone call, for other families it might mean a good bit of maneuvering. But the point is, if a family wanted the information, it’s possible they could get it. And 20 years from now, who is to say what the climate in China may be about this sort of thing.
Do I think I need to prepare my kids for this? No, I don’t. Not yet, anyway. I mean, if they ask then I’ll be honest in a way designed to not raise hopes, but if they don’t ask then I’m not going to bring it up just yet. I’ll wait and see how things are working out, and if I see this happening with other families. But I guess my point here is that the possibility had never occurred to me.
GlitterGirl and I had a talk about the the new TV show, Find my Family. Just enough so she has the general idea of what the show is about… but that was enough to start some questions that haven’t popped up before. Twinkletoes also had some questions, which were basically some of GG’s questions phrased to see if the same answer applied to both of their stories.
And, at some point this weekend the girls want to go back and look at the pictures and video taken of their finding places, and of the people who found them.
I don’t really know whether to thank or curse the makers of Find my Family… I mean, on the one hand I know these conversations need to happen… but on the other hand sometimes it just feels like opening a scab up and letting it bleed for no reason. I’ve made the decision to try to just deal with whatever gets thrown our way though, because avoiding it can make things worse. So, we are dealing with it.
On another note, but still a “parenting kids from China” kind of thing: GlitterGirl brought instructions home for how her hair is to be fixed for the Christmas show she’ll be in (a bun situated so it’s not on top of the head and not at the back of the head, but kind of in between) and we played around with doing that a bit last night. I put it up and she said “Ew, I look like a Chinese person, I’m not wearing my hair that way.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, and finally landed on “But, you are a Chinese person.”
“Well, yeahhhh”, (said like Duhhhhh), “but I don’t want to look like one.”
Again, I didn’t really know what to say, so I decided on, “Okay, then what do we do, this is how you’re supposed to wear your hair, tell me what we can do to make you feel good about it.”
After a bit of experimenting we discovered that if we have her ears showing (as opposed to being held down by her hair) and if we put the bun just far enough back that so it doesn’t show quite so much from the front, she said that was fine. It’s not quite what the instructions want, but it’s close enough.
And I think what she was trying to say was that it made her look like a stereotype of a Chinese person. Though I didn’t get that right away, once we started experimenting around with what she liked and didn’t like, I finally realized what she was trying to avoid and then we found something she liked. Which basically looks a lot like what she’s used to seeing when she puts her hair in a high ponytail, which is why it looked okay to her, I think.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I’m glad that you made this point about birth parents wanting to find our children. I had not thought about this point either, but we had a speaker from this great organization Also Known As this weekend. He is an adult Korean adoptee who often helps other adult Korean adoptees conduct birth parent searches in Korea.
In his words, “99% of the birth parent searches are successful but only 5% of the birth parent reunions are successful.” He predicted that about the same percentages would one day hold true for China — that our children would find out information about their birth parents and perhaps meet them or extended family members but b/c of cultural differences have difficulties forming relationships with them.
He travels often to Korea and has some connections in mainland China, apparently. Again, in his words, “If the one child policy is ever lifted, those Chinese families will come looking for those girls. China keeps the best records in the world.”
Through Korean adult adoptees we can perhaps glimpse our own children’s futures. Certainly something we must think about and prepare our children for.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I’d guess private enterprise will probably beat political reform.
…some company will accept DNA samples from “subscribers” in China and the adoptive countries, and when they find a familial match, you will get a link to your mom’s, brother’s, sister’s, cousin’s FaceBook page.
You will then be able to see who in the family has the better job, bigger house, and smaller waist-line, like everyone does on these pages :)
November 25th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
moonwater – I’m doing everything I can to help my kids understand cultural norms in China. Whether this could help with a possible relationship with their biological family one day.. who knows. But I’m doing the best I can.
p12 – I’ve heard plenty about this proposed DNA database. I think we may be making things more complicated than they have to be. A DNA database only works if both parent and child submit their DNA… and if the parent wants to know who the child is they will likely be able to find that information out by contacting the local SWI, they don’t have to submit their DNA. If the government locks those records up then, yeah, a DNA database would be the next solution. And in 20 years I’m sure that will be a possibility.
One thing DNA can’t help with (at this point in time) is biological siblings. The markers that we use for that in the US too often trigger in China for distant cousins. This is because the gene pool in some of the villages isn’t quite as deep as the gene pool in most American cities. There was research done in a village in China a while back, and many of the kids in the village showed the markers we use for siblings. The children were not siblings, but most were distant cousins.
I see people having “DNA proof” that their child is a sibling to another adopted child and I cringe – haven’t these people done their homework? It probably just means they are from the same village, it doesn’t mean they are sisters.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
RQ, I have been thinking about this a lot myself. Since DD is only 3, I am just preparing myself to and haven’t mentioned it to her yet. But I think it’s highly likely that birth siblings in China will look for their siblings on behalf of the birth parents. I think there will be a technological /generation gap and some cultural / behavioral gaps that will keep most birth parents from searching. But their children will be very different and I think they will come looking for their siblings.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Great point feelingthejoy – it’s possible the whole “shame” thing will keep the parents from searching, but that isn’t necessarily going to apply to the siblings.
Not all siblings are going to know that they had a sister or brother who was abandoned, though. If a single woman got pregnant and abandoned the baby and then later married, it’s doubtful she will tell her children about that. Or, if a family has a SN child first and abandons him or her then it isn’t likely they will tell their child (or children) born a year or more later.
But, for children who remember a pregnancy and then no child… yeah, I can definitely see those kids some day going in search of that sibling.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I wonder if part of the reason the Korean adoption reunions fail is because adoptive parents did such a good job teaching their children that genetics doesn’t make a family.
After a lifetime of being told by your adoptive parents that the fact you “don’t share the same blood” doesn’t matter…
… why would it, when you are contacted by a bio parent later?
BTW, did I mention we are leaving for China tomorrow?!!! :)
November 25th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
While the subject is up, here is the question I harbor deep in the dark corners of my fear. What if the families not only want to look but have the full force of the Chinese government behind them? What if the Chinese are in a position globally to demand some or all of them back? What if our government isn’t in a position to refuse?
November 25th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Ya know I started to drive myself nut thinking about what if they come looking ….But I had to stop myself and live for toady .
November 25th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
babydreamer:
Your fears are true to you, so I’m not trying to trivialize them. But, perhaps I can ease them a bit.
Your hypothetical situation is highly unlikely to pan out. Although, it might make for a good novel along the lines of “1984″ or “Brave New World.” All international adoption agreements fully agree that the adoption is final once the child is in his/her new home country. The entire world would be turned upside down if a country started demanded its adopted children back. The U.S. went to war to defend the citizens of Europe from government tyranny in WWII, as well as other places in other wars since then. I have a very hard time imagining our country ever in a position where it can’t defend its own citizens from the tyranny of another country the likes of which you describe. Possible, well, anything is possible. But probable, I don’t think so.
November 25th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
No one is going to come demanding them back, we adopted them under Chinese law and then under American law, they are our children to raise.
For the few dozen (it appears) children illegally taken from their parents and put into the SWI system – that might be a bit touchy. I don’t see anyone legally requiring you to return a child, but I also don’t know what would be the morally correct thing to do, and I’m not going to try to argue either side of that one. There would be heartbreak on all sides and no good answer, I’m afraid.
As for biological family wanting to make contact, I don’t see that happening on a widespread basis for at least ten years but more likely at least 15 to 20 years. Ten years would have GG in college and TT would be almost 15. At fifteen, depending on where TT is emotionally, I may allow contact then, or I may provide pictures and info and then ask the family to wait a few more years before making contact. I’m not thinking it all the way through yet, or making plans for it yet, because I don’t think it will happen in ten years’ time.
In fifteen (or more) years they will both be adults and I’ll just be there as a support system if they need me to be. All decisions will be theirs to make, and I’ll support whatever decisions they make.
November 25th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
babydreamer and 2chinagirls — don’t feel badly! That was my first (irrational) reaction as well.
But more realistically, listening to these adult adoptees, you could see the enormous painful complexity of trying to come to terms with being an adult member of a culture whose language you don’t speak and whose customs you don’t understand. (I think it’s more difficult in Korea b/c of its tight-knit family structure where adoption is simply not accepted, but it may be just as difficult in China later for our children.) This is not FB.
Many adult Korean adoptees marry Koreans or other Korean adoptees b/c of a certain “comfort” level or a desire to stay closer to birth country identity. When I asked about who will Chinese adoptees marry, given the gender imbalance among adoptees, the speaker said, “Oh, don’t worry. Many many Chinese would love to marry your girls.”
Somehow this also made me feel a little strange. I don’t know if I can see my strong-willed first DD living in a Confuscian society.
So for now, I just try to “drop pebbles” about my DD’s birth parents, keep up conversations about them on a regular basis: what would they be doing? how they would be so proud of them, etc. My DDs need to know that they are real people.
I haven’t yet introduced the concept of real siblings but I know I need to. Not all relationships with “found” siblings are going to be simple, either.
Most of all, these adult adoptees stressed how birth parent searches had to be done by the adoptees alone. They have to be free to make all the decisions. This makes me a little sad. I want to support my children, but I can see that this is going to take a great deal of strength on their parts.
November 25th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
The only way a child would be given to their biological parents is if they can prove that the child was not relinqished by their parents but kidnapped. The only case I know of this happening was a lady in South America tracked down her biological son that according to her was stolen by baby brokers.
The courts ordered that the adoptive family return the boy to his rightful parents. The US government is very specific as to what they classify as a ‘true’ orphan.
Our adoptions are legal, full and valid. I already checked this out in my state. They said that our adoptions are binding legally with China, the state you live, and the federal government. We spoke with a lawyer who deals with adoption corruptions and represents biological families. He said, compared to many other countries, China has an adoption system that is very well regulated, and when there has been corruption, the government has acted on it.
November 25th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
It’s my understanding that most domestic birthparent reunions don’t result in any kind of long term ongoing relationship either – that the curiosity factor gets met, and most of the time ongoing correspondence doesn’t last a really long time beyond that.
And that is for people from the same society, the same culture, who may live in the same city, or only a few hours from each other.
Add the language barrier, cultural differences, and the fact that it takes days to travel to visit the other… and a long term relationship becomes just that much more difficult.
Any relationship takes a lot of work on both sides, and in a “reunion” type relationship like this, you also have to deal with possible unreasonable expectations that one or both sides may have – even within the same culture. But add cultural differences and it gets that much worse.
I’ve read some really painful stories of birthparent reunions gone really really bad.
Oh, and moonwater, I’ve seen some say that the a-parent can’t be involved any at all, but I’ve also seen some situations where the a-parent is there in the background and they were a big help to their child emotionally. I think it depends on the relationship between child and parent – if the parent has created a situation where there are no loyalty concerns, so the grown child doesn’t feel they are breaching loyalty to the a-parent by searching for their b-parents, then I think it can be helpful for the child to have the a-parents there as a support system when needed.
November 25th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
My neighbor works in this field. She said that the longest lasting relationships are with biological siblings. For example, she had a young guy who wanted to trace his biological
family in Korea. He was about 15. His parents came to Korea with him. The only connection he made was with his brother.
They email frequently. She said what is surprising to her, was that the relationships with adoptive daughters and their biological fathers has been much stronger than with their biological mothers. This is in her experince in dealing with domestic adoption reunions. She also said that boys were less likely wanting to seek out their birthparents.
She said there is a honeymoon period, everyone is on a high, their can be some abandonment of adoptive parents at first.
Questions are answered, everyone is in a total love fest. However, reality settles in, and expectations and sometimes demands are much greater than reality. In most cases, people go back to the ‘usual’ lives, and contacts are either sporadic or cease. However, there are success stories where familes make it work.
November 25th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
“It’s my understanding that most domestic birthparent reunions don’t result in any kind of long term ongoing relationship either – that the curiosity factor gets met, and most of the time ongoing correspondence doesn’t last a really long time beyond that.
And that is for people from the same society, the same culture, who may live in the same city, or only a few hours from each other.”
From Rq commet above.. I couldn’t agree with this more and from someone who met her birthmom 20 years ago and has limited contact with…there was no “connection” or “filled a need”. I’m sure there are way more unsuccessful reunions then those that the medial loves to portray, but the “realistic reunions” don’t get ratings.
November 25th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I really hope it happens someday that Chinese birthparents are able to reach out to search for children adopted overseas, or that there is a way for kids here to search for birthparents there. If it were me I would really really want to know the circumstances of my birth/meet my birth family, and I hope my kids have that opportunity if they have the urge!
November 25th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Interesting to think that I am unusual in my relationship with my BMom – we’ve been in contact for 15 years now and see each other once every few years :) I admit we don’t keep in close contact – but it is a strong relationship in that it’s one I wouldn’t be willing to let die or fade away. I’ve been to 2 weddings (sibling/uncle) and 1 ordination (Catholic Priest) (sibling) and they all came to my wedding as well.
She contacted me first – through the orphanage where she had relinquished me – in relation to RQ’s post I wanted to say that the orphanage told me after that it would have been near impossible for me to search for her given the small amount of information they had. It took them about a week to find me for her. And the state I was adopted in had just changed the law to allow that type of thing two years before that.
LL
November 25th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
For us, it’s not a new thought. We actively anticipated on this situation by leaving a letter in Chinese in the dossier of our daughter, stating that we have adopted so-and-so child, found then and there, with all particulars. It gives the address of our agency and expresses our wish that we will be contacted, should anyone come forward in the years to come. I always answer this to people who ask “Can you find her birthparents?” – No. But the other way around, they CAN. They can find us if they follow the logical bread crumbs. Albeit a difficult track, it’s one that can be followed. I sure hope someone will come along that path, someday.
November 25th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
pucca1972, we left a few “breadcrumbs” as well. I just didn’t anticipate them possibly being enthusiastically followed! It is a paradigm shift, but a good one.
Also, on my DD’s SWI yahoo group last month, a family did find a birth family totally by accident. They visited their DD’s finding location in a small village not far from the SWI. A neighbor recognized their DD and soon located the family. With no preparation on anyone’s part, there was an awkward reunion. They are keeping in touch occasionally by mail. Their DD is only 11 and not at all sure what to make of all this.
I am very glad to think that my girls might well have some of the blanks in their personal history filled in. They deserve it.
And thanks, RQ, for your observation that some a-parents can be supportive. I don’t want them to go through this process totally alone. They’ve already been abandoned once. Twice seems inhumanly cruel.
As the Chinese adoption community matures, I think that it will increasingly expand to recognize the formerly silent part of the adoption triad — the Chinese birth parents. How amazing and interesting that inclusion will be.
November 25th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
it was either adoptive families or adoption today – but there was a blurb about a year ago that the statute of limitations on abandoning a child in china is five years. (it might have been three, but i’m pretty sure it’s five).
so any birthparents who want to search for a child once they are over five (assuming they were abandoned at birth) can do so without consequence.
also, i’ve heard many times (not sure if it’s true) that there are never arrests for abandoning a child. while people do it secretively and are therefore seldom caught, another motivator for the secrecy is often a feeling of shame and therefore a desire to keep secret from families/friends/neighbors.