Anxious Attachment
Most of the attachment literature out there is aimed at the child who has never formed a really healthy attachment to anyone before, and who has to be taught about healthy attachment. Those books have you pretty much forcing the issue – sleeping with a child who would prefer to sleep alone, holding or wearing the child for a large part of the day, feeding a child who may prefer to do it themselves, etc. A lot of it is counter-intuitive, especially for an older child, because social norms say it is good that an 18 month old is starting to be independent in some things. But, a previously institutionalized 18 month old who has just been adopted needs to be regressed a bit so they can understand what it means to have parents who will take care of your every need. Because so much of what needs to be done to foster attachment can be counter-intuitive, it is very (very, very, very) important that families read up on attachment.
With anxious attachment, the child attaches to his or her new parents, but is not very secure in the attachment. GlitterGirl was very attached to her caregiver. The caregiver lived at the orphanage, she was always there. She slept in the same room with the cribs, and she was very affectionate with all of the babies in her care. They rubbed noses, they kissed, they smiled at each other – that smile that you usually only see between babies and mothers (and fathers)? That smile was there between GG and her main caregiver. There was another caregiver that GG also rubbed noses with, and that she was also very comfortable with. She even had a huge smile and reached out for the orphanage director, who I believe got very involved with the day to day business of taking care of the babies, because all of the babies seemed very comfortable around him. To be clear, there are a lot of things this orphanage did wrong, I don’t want to paint it as the perfect orphanage, because the babies were not stimulated, had zero muscle tone, and had some trauma around one specific practice at this orphanage. But, the caregivers did genuinely care about the babies in their charge, and I believe that they did the best they could do for them.
So, in GG’s case, she had her first traumatic experience of losing her first family when she was abandoned. Then she lived in the orphanage and was part of that “family” for a while, and then she was ripped away from that to be in our family. And that is what I believe created GG’s anxious attachment. She attached to us, she knew we were mommy and daddy, she was okay with us taking care of her needs. But she was not securely attached. She’d been attached before and lost those people, so she couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t lose us, too.
A few weeks before Christmas (this year) the school sent out emails and phone calls that they were closing school early and for parents to come get their kids. I wasn’t at my computer so I didn’t see the emails, and the phone calls take a while to cycle through to all of the numbers, so it was 25 minutes after they made the announcement before I heard about it. My parents were the closest to her at that point so I called my dad and asked him to go get her as quickly as possible. Which he did. And when he got there GG was in tears because no one had come to get her yet. My dad said it looked like less than half of the students had been picked up at that point, and that there was still a long line of cars behind him. GG confirmed this, that she was still with most of her friends in the gym waiting for their parents to come get them, but she’s used to us being there quicker and she had a meltdown about it. I had her draw me a picture of how she felt, and then I had her draw some pictures of her family, with one of them showing how family is always there for each other. I drew a picture as well, and even TT got in on the project. In the end, I think she felt good about it, but whether that helps next time she’s not one of the first people to be picked up? We’ll have to wait and see.
Also, GlitterGirl still needs the physical reassurance that we’re there. When I visit her at school she still holds my hand. She still wanted me to hold/carry her at school way past when the other parents were picking their kids up to hold or carry them. And I’ve noted that she is very touchy feely with her friends – I see her holding hands with her friends, I see her hugging them a lot. And, I believe she is one of the “popular” kids because she works very hard to make sure everyone likes her. In pre-k I’d walk in and GG would be sitting in the teacher’s lap during story time while the other kids were sitting on the floor. When they had a school program and the teacher brought the kids in, she was carrying GG while the other kids walked. GG has always been the “teacher’s favorite”, which on the surface looks good, until you realize why she strives to be the favorite. Even the teachers in older grades, who have never had her in class, know who she is and come up to me to talk about her latest and greatest accomplishments. And I am very proud of her, but I also know that some of this is directly related to the fact that she has all of this anxiety around being liked. It was a survival skill learned as an infant, and she never completely unlearned it.
I don’t remember a whole lot of “tricks” for this when we were working through it. We just held her (or wore her) as much as possible, and we made sure that she was never (ever) in a room alone. Not even when she was sleeping, because if she had ever awakened to an empty room she may have never gone back to sleep again.
With a baby who is anxiously attached, you have no time away from the child. If I was home alone then she was with me every second. I made a lot of use of the high chair – the house we lived in at the time had the master suite on the main level, so I could drag her in that high chair wherever I went. I could give her some finger foods to eat and drag the high chair into the bathroom so I could take a shower (with a clear shower curtain) and she had something to occupy herself (food) while she watched me take a shower. If I had to actually use the restroom then I had to take her in there with me then as well – no leaving her in a pack-n-play in another room for three minutes while I dashed off to the bathroom. She had to come with me.
I could also give her something to play with while she was in her chair while I cooked, and I could play with it, too, in between mixing and stirring while I was cooking. When she got older I could put a gate up and let her play in the living room (right outside the kitchen) where she could see me, but she wouldn’t get underfoot while I was cooking (also, the dog food and three gallon water bowl (big doggie) was in the kitchen so she was rarely down on the floor in the kitchen, we kept it gated off).
But when I wasn’t taking a shower or cooking, we were usually touching or engaged in very serious play. Her daytime caregiver while I was at work was perfect for her, and she also made sure GG was never alone in a room. She also incorporated a lot of the fine motor skill exercises into their play, and she kept up-to-date with me on where we were with sensory issues so she could play with what GG was okay with (I didn’t want her pushing anything, but I wanted her to incorporate the things GG had learned to deal with).
GlitterGirl knows in her head and in her heart that we are a forever family, that we all love each other, that we’ll always come get her, etc. But there is that subconscious need that was hardwired into her head as an infant that she needed to make sure she was the favorite, because the favorite got more attention, more food, etc. I think we did a lot to push that farther into the background, but we did not completely get rid of it.
Bringing a sibling into the mixture has been hard, but I think it may have also helped a little. I refuse to play favorites, and yet she still gets everything she needs (and most of what she wants) from me (well, from RK and I, but you know what I mean). I have mentioned before that the book Siblings Without Rivalry
I may have had extra things we did back then, but I don’t remember anything except just giving her what she needed: Us. We met all of her needs as quickly as possible, and we held her whenever she wanted to be held. She was walking and was mostly potty trained well before her first birthday, she was sounding words out well before she started pre-k, and she was reading before she started kindergarten. All of that holding and coddling did not hold her back. Don’t let anyone convince you that “spoiling” a child will hold them back. Yes, we gave her everything she wanted/needed when it came to access to us, but we had rules that she had to follow. She still had to mind, even if we were “spoiling” her with all of that holding. People who don’t understand attachment issues will tell you that you are wrong to react to everything, don’t listen to them.
Oh, and we did the sign language thing with her, which was a huge help in meeting her needs. She didn’t start talking until around 18 months (my little perfectionist didn’t start talking until she was sure she could do it right – she never really baby talked, just started talking in perfect sentences almost right away). I can’t stress enough how much baby sign language helped with everything – attachment, language acquisition, and just the ability to have her be able to communicate with us for the year we had her that she couldn’t speak, it was priceless. I’m thinking she was maybe nine or ten months when we started it, and it didn’t take long for her to pick it up… two or three days, IIRC, and she was signing for drink and eat and more. We used this book and dvd
Once again, this has gotten very long. I’m sorry I don’t have any special tips or tricks here. I think we had a few, but the main thing I remember is just being there for her, holding her, and encouraging her to learn things. With “regular” attachment you have to pull the child back and encourage them to let you do things for them. With anxious attachment it seemed we were encouraging her it was okay to take a step, okay to walk away from us because we’d still be here when she turned back around.
Added later: I forgot to mention that she slept with us until she was, I don’t know.. four or maybe five. And it took a while to transition her to her bedroom when we finally did. She would still prefer to sleep with us, but she can see us from her bed and that’s good enough. She sleeps with us when she’s sick. And when RK is out of town I let the girls sleep with me. But that’s it now.
January 14th, 2010 at 11:50 am
Once again, thanks, RQ! Dd just turned 5 and has many of the same “anxious” attachment as well as sensory sensitivity issues as GG. We expect to travel before the summer to adopt a new brother, who will be 2.5 yrs and has been fostered. Your tips are always helpful.
January 14th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Have found this post (& sensory issues posts) very thought-provoking. When DH & I started researching international adoption, we attended a presentation by a university prof who was involved in a longitudinal study of Romanian adoptees. She described anxious attachment & DH & I both looked at each other and said simultaneously “We’re both anxiously attached!” (I think that’s why I have such a good reputation with my “Superiors” – I am working so hard to please authority figures, just as I did with my teachers & my parents.) For all our reading on attachment prior to adopting JieJie in 2004 we probably did a number of things wrong; now that we don’t expect to adopt MeiMei until some time next year (LID June 15 2006) we have lots of time to re-educate ourselves – and perhaps do some (more) attachment work of our own. Thanks again RQ!
January 14th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
All of these attachment posts have been great RQ–thank you!
Sign Language–so far one of the top two activities we did with DD to help with communication and attatchment. She was 11 months old the day we met her (June ’04) and we started baby signing right away. She knew the signs for hungry, thirsty and daddy (yes, daddy, not mommy) by the time we left China just seven days later. We used many recommended signs, but also came up with many of our own. As long as we could understand her and she us, it was all good! They key is consistency–always doing the sign and helping their little hands do it too! To this day one of our fondest memories was when she was “toddling” down the toy isle in Target–there were all these toy bins with covers on them–she was screaching with joy and signing as fast as she could “Please” and “open”–her whole little body was getting into it! It was just too cute!!
Holding Time–#2 on our list for helping with attatchment. The first few times were so rough as she didn’t want to keep/maintain eye contact and she was not a happy camper!! But now, she’s 6.5 and we still do holding time with her if she’s haviing a rough patch or struggling with communicating something with us.
With an LID of 05/11/06, we are hoping this is our year. This last weekend DD asked if we could start working on baby signs again for her new sister!
RRyahoos
January 14th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Oh yes, we did the holding thing, too.
January 14th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Thank you RQ! There are virtually no tips in any of the attachment books or websites for anxious attachment. Now, if you could tell us how to get the nay-sayer busy bodies to zip their lips and allow us to “spoil” our precious 2 yr old (home less than 10 months) we would be in business. If one more person asks if she’s in her own bed yet I am going to lose it. Seriously, that’s their #1 concern? My daughter sleeping with me. I would like to tell them to get a life but I’m too nice.
January 14th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Oh, see, my standby line of “Why do you ask?” is also a great response to people asking “is she in her own bed yet?” On one occasion I got snarky when the response was “just curious” and said, “Oh, well then, I’m kind of curious, too. Is your daughter reading yet?”
Which of course was a really $!&(#% thing to day since their daughter was a year older than my daughter, and my daughter was reading and theirs was not. Actually, my daughter had read a book to their daughter a few weeks earlier, and their daughter had not even known the names of some of the letters, so GG took it upon herself to play teacher. So, my response was a very “not nice” thing to say, and I really do try to avoid that most of the time, but in this case? Totally the perfect way to handle it. She was trying to put my daughter down simply because of that little episode, trying to make sure I knew her daughter wasn’t behind in everything. Snark at me with that kind of purpose and I’ll snark back. Sometimes. (and for the record, this was a distant cousin, one I could really do without)
For repeat questions I’ve also been known to skip the “why do you ask” and respond with something along the lines of “I’m not quite sure I understand your fixation on my family’s sleeping habits, but to be honest it’s starting to feel a bit creepy”. And then I change the subject to something neutral that no one can take offense at. I have to think of what I’m going to change the subject to before I give that line though, so I can do it casually, but pausing for five or so seconds before you begin your answer can also let them know that you aren’t quite sure why that question is so important.
But, mainly I use my “Why do you ask” line to do two things 1) to find out why they are asking, because if they have a legitimate reason then I’ll feel really bad if I snark at them about it and 2) to give myself some extra time to think about the best way to respond.
Even as old as GG is, we still get asked inappropriate questions at least once every month or two (where is she from, is she adopted, are they real sisters, etc). GG doesn’t even want me to find out why they are asking anymore though, she just wants me to make the subject go away, so my standard response now is that my oldest daughter is very uncomfortable with my sharing what she considers to be a private matter with strangers. If they continue on to explain they know someone who is adopting, or they are considering it, then I offer the name of a few adoption agencies they might want to contact, and then politely try to end the conversation. I’m not snarky, I’m polite, but I’ve got to do what GG has asked me to do. One of the mom’s in GG’s hip hop class waited until GG went to the bathroom to ask me questions, and I answered her questions and thanked her for not asking them in front of GG. Turns out she’s an OT, and we had some conversations about TT while we were at it.
January 14th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
Thanks for this great summary of anxious attachment. I learned a lot from it, and realized I’ve been doing a lot of this stuff just in my regular daily interactions with our girl. We’ve been back and forth with Li’l Empress’s anxiety over being apart from us, particularly me. I tend to look at it as a continuum, and not a goal. Takes us all off the hook with expectations and frustrations that could result.
Right now, we’re in a good season, but without fail we gear up for a tougher season when there’s been a lot of changes in our daily routine (sickness, holidays, traveling, etc.). I’m blessed in that I have many hands here at home when mine are weary of the physicality of her anxiety. I’m also grateful that we spent the first year or so of her being home by intentionally shrinking her world and focusing on really attaching here at home first and foremost. The pay-off of that has been seen over and over as we’ve gone through the ebb and flow of the last 16+ months.
I’ve also noticed lately that while she doesn’t need continual reassurance of my presence (again, in a good season now), she DOES need that physical touch to be firm and almost “enveloping” in nature. Tighter hugs, bundling up and cradling like a baby, etc. I’m good with it most of the time, but after the recent holidays, I have to admit, I’ve got a nice sized knot in my shoulder/neck region from the extra holding, carrying, and physicality of it all!
January 14th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Oh, just realized I had the ‘are they real sisters’ question in there. My answer to that is always “yes, why do you ask?”. Some of them will keep at it, “but are they real sisters?”. To which I say, “yes, why do you ask?”. Even, “do they have the same mother and father?”, I answer, “yes, why do you ask?”.
True, the answer to the question they mean to ask (are they biologically related) is “no”, but that’s not the question they are asking, and the answer that I want my girls to hear to the question they are actually asking is “yes”, so that’s what I answer.
January 14th, 2010 at 5:44 pm
RQ, We like your writing, especially your style of writing. Thanks for this interesting and valuable post. It refreshed our minds once more so that we remember how important secure attachement is. And we learned a lot from this post. Thanks and best regards, Smiling Lady and friend.
January 14th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
Wow RQ you are good! I tried practicing with responses when I was alone but in real life still get thrown for a loop. I am totally going to use your approach! Thanks so much!
January 14th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Can you please explain the “holding” thing a little more. From outside appearances my dd appears to be attached, she knows I am her mom and my dh is her dad. She will go to the child care at the Y and know that I am coming back but when it comes to comforting her when she is sick or hurt she will not let me hold her (as I mentioned in a previous post she does have sensory issues and rocking/holding is one of them.) I can hold her as in carry her around but during those intimate times she resists and becomes stiff and will not conform to you. At first I thought its was sensory but now I am wandering if it is attachment. Would “holding” be good for times like these? She was in 2 homes before us shortly after being removed from her bio home so I know that she has wounds from that. When she was brought to us, she didn’t cry, it was as if she didn’t miss a beat and now after reading the other posts wander if maybe we have an anxious attachment or if it is attachment still in progress on the 16th she will have been in our home for 6 months.
January 14th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
These are great topics to discuss, RQ. My oldest daughter is now 7 and has anxiety about being left alone too. Her orphanage was much the same as you described in your previous post but since it was our first adoption, I just kept wondering, why is it so dark in this orphanage? I only made the connection between her behavior today and that early experience from your SWI description for GG.
Rituals meet her very high need for control at separation. For example, when I used to leave her at Pre-K I would ask, “how many hugs and kisses do you want today for our good-bye?” It became a ritual. We have a good-bye ritual at home too and she becomes upset if she doesn’t get to say good-bye..distraught actually. She used to say the exact same thing every time we parted ways but I notice this has gone away starting in 2010. She said this for about two years…. “I love you, I like you and I’ll see you later.” Eventually, she’d say it really fast “Luv ya, like ya, see ya later!” The psychologist said it was healthy coping. Everyone thinks it’s so cute but I know she sees this as a social contract between us and almost a reminder to herself that we always return.
I think your comebacks to nosey people are clever and I will see if I can use them if I need to. People can be rather ignorant and often treat children as if they are not there or have no hearing. ugh
January 14th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
people can sure be strange..last fall my daughter Sophie and I were in the bank and a man asked if she was my daughter.. “yes” I said …he said ,”is she really your daughter?”..”yes “…where was she born…”China ” I said… “does she know her mother and father?”he said..”yes she knows us quite well”…. so he went on and on ..I looked at him and said..”ya know ,she isn’t deaf ,she is proud of who she is and if you like you can ask her he questions”.. “Well!”,He said .. “I didn’t say she was deaf!” ..As we walked out of the bank she (4 yrs old) looked up and said….”Mommy , did I hurt his feelings because I didn’t ask him where he was born?”
January 14th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
2chinagals, I can relate to stupid people!
We only had our daughter about a month when we were leaving, (and I’m embarrassed to say this) but leaving CHURCH, an old woman stared at me as I was holding my daughter, she walked up to me and said, “that’s disgusting!” I was so shocked that I couldn’t gather any words. I was able to finally say, “you mean old hypocrite!” Then I went home and cried. I’ve since learned one thing….. have a good comeback ready because there are very ignorant people out there!
January 14th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
Just a word re: the sign language… not every child takes to it. I too had every intention of teaching our child sign language, but she just was (and is) not interested at all, no matter how much I signed during the day. Her motor skills just weren’t there and she was communicating her needs and feelings so well in other ways. We pay a lot of attention to her, read her cues very well, and respond quickly. Now at 15 months she is can understand English and Chinese, is getting ready to speak, but not sign.
I guess I raise this because understanding each other is the overall goal, and this can be done in ways other than sign language. Of course if sign language works then by all means do it! But don’t put pressure on yourselves and feel it’s something every adoptive parent should do.
January 15th, 2010 at 8:25 am
I hope this doesn’t frustrate anyone. It isn’t meant to. I know I have a lot more research to do on the topic of attachment–and we have time (LID 9/1/06) to do more. We’ve done some, but obviously not enough. But, I have had 2 bio children. The first was very attached to me, but not. I would say he was perfectly fine to say good bye to me and go off to play knowing I’d be back. He did crawl into bed with us for a long time though at night. And we allowed it–all the time thinking we probably “shouldn’t”—He’s 14 now and bigger than me—he’s over that now…lol
He had amazing eye contact from the day he was born. And is extremely secure in who he is.
My second son on the other hand was very clingy. And he was huge! (24 lbs at 6 mo.) so I developed strong muscles. If I ever left him he would scream—for a LONG time. I felt bad for the babysitters. He never had very good eye contact right from the beginning. I worked and worked at that. It frustrated me. He had an extremely strong will. And also was the temper tantrum dude. Unfortunately he got cancer at age 4 and died 5 years ago at the age of 6, so I don’t know beyond that how he would have developed. But, when I hear all the talk about attachment, I wonder to what extent is some of it the way the kids are wired. This isn’t to minimize it, but to better understand it. I know they have been traumatized and there are pieces of their little lives that they are grieving. But, my son was with me from the start. I nursed him, I played with him, I was an at home mom, he was in the kitchen with me cooking, he even liked to clean/vacuum, etc. to be close to me. And for the most part I let him. So why the “fit” when I got out of his site? Is that attachment? At what point do you suddenly realize that you have to tell a child with attachment issues that they will be ok, and being apart is ok? We got to a point where we would just have to leave with our 2nd son (church nursery, etc.) and he “survived” but made it pretty miserable for the people taking care of him. I’m not trying to be cold about attachment, please explain the difference to me. There is a bit of a sanity issue that follows along with it too. Or does everyone just realize that is the way it’s going to be and not lose their minds with the need to be in site at all times? I will do what it takes, I’m just wondering.
January 15th, 2010 at 9:37 am
Katiebug-search “Holding Time Attachment” on the internet and you will find the book and lots of other great info about attachment. (I’m not affiliated with this book…)
We thought that our daughter was attaching very well over the first few months of bringing her home. One of the “cute” things she did was back up into our laps. She would grab a toy, or a book, and then turn around and back up into sitting into our laps, wanting us to play with her or read to her. But, she was having a hard time with giving us love on OUR terms–only wanting to hug and snuggle on her terms. If we went to her, she became stiff as a board. Through research and the recommendation of a friend, (who had both bio and adopted children) we found Holding Time, and saw that her not making eye contact with us an only giving love on her terms were both attachment issues. The first few sessions were HARD–and she cried and struggled, but we worked through it. (If you want to email me personally I can give you more detail.) It bacame a really amazing time for us–even when she couldn’t talk, she could still express so many other emotions–I’ll never forget the day she told us about the sad babies still in China (she was 14 months at the time…) Now, at 6.5, we still snuggle together on the couch and she looks right into my eyes while we have our discussions/bonding time. I must point out that the book recommends to have you do holding time with just one parent for quite awhile at first, and then incorporate the second parent. We did both equally. Every other session and it seemed to work out well for us.
The other thing emphasized in this book is that holding time is for ALL kids (bio babes, adopted, etc) because kids from all backgrounds can have a variety of issues–even through the pre-teen years.
RRyahoos
January 15th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Thank you so much for posting all this and letting me know that we aren’t alone in this…my daughter has a really hard time when I drop her off at school, she gets sooo upset she makes herself sick, especially when there has been a long break/vacation period. I keep looking for info in books, but it might mention anxious attachment, but doesn’t give any ideas on how to make it better or even what it really is. A few things that have helped, where last year we used one of those stuffed bears from Babies R Us where you put a giftcard in the front, I put a family picture and the teacher kept it in the classroom, this year we have a picture in her cubby of our family. When it is really bad I will go into the classroom and hang out for a while until she is more comforatble with me leaving, I know this isn’t the norm of the general thinking, but it seems to be the best for us, we have read the kissing hand and do that, sometimes, but that doesn’t seem to really her thing. I just reassure her that I will be back ASAP to get her after work and we work thru it. I just always feel like I’m not doing enough to help her work thru all this, I just want to take way the pain, but hopefully that will go away with age. We do LOTS of cuddles, which would be the case either way-I’m a huge cuddle person and she does sleep with us and we pretty much do everything together as a family, so we have lots of bonding time, some people think too much-but that is their opinion-that I will pretty much ignore! Thanks again for making me feel like I’m not alone in this!!!