Objectification
There are a whole lot of things people say that objectify our kids, and they all make me a bit sick to my stomach. The biggest culprit is also a racial slur, the “China Doll” phrase. I keep hoping that it will just go away, but it keeps creeping up. I will never understand how people can justify using a racial slur as a term of endearment. But, that’s an old discussion, everyone knows how I (and most everyone else) feel about that phrase. I’m including it today because it also objectifies our kids, though perhaps not as much as some of the other phrases out there.
I’ve run across a lot of phrases out there that objectify and dehumanize our children. Some people go so far as to put some of them on t-shirts, I can only hope no one is buying them. Sayings like “Made in China”, or “Take Out” (and the alternative “Delivery” for those children from other countries who are escorted to the U.S.). Sure, someone must think it’s cute to have a baby’s head sticking out of a Chinese take-out box (which, by the way, is an American thing), but I certainly do not see any humor in it. And should GlitterGirl ever hear herself (or any other adoptee) referred to as “Take out”, I can’t imagine how that would make her feel, but I know the hurt look in her eyes that will be there as she realizes what is really being said.
Not everything gets put onto a t-shirt though, let’s not forget “how much did she cost”? Talk about dehumanizing someone.
We are talking about human beings here, not objects. Not things that are purchased. Using phrases like “made in China” or “take out” just reinforces the idea that they were purchased, not adopted. Can we agree that’s a bad thing?
January 31st, 2010 at 10:23 pm
I don’t own a “Made in China ” t shirt but I have to admit…I saw them in China and was not totally offended by them. But I didn’t buy one so I think part of me says Mmmmmmm. I know it came up in a thread in SN( Or home with Children) and some people thought they were cute and some didn’t. It’s one of those issues that not everyone agrees on. At least that’s what I got from reading that thread. I’m curious to see what others say!
January 31st, 2010 at 10:34 pm
There have only been two times that I’ve been offended by our choice to adopt from China. The first time was when we were actually IN China. A woman dressed like a security guard (or dressed like police) in the airport in China, asked several questions about the adoption. She asked if we chose the child, or if adoptive parents can give her back to the orphanage if she was not pretty enough. I answered her questions then said that we intended to return to China with her some day. To that, she replied, “Why? After she leaves China she will not be one of ours. She will be a banana baby….Yellow on the outside and white on the inside.” We were stunned! We wanted to reply to her, but we were afraid she was a government official, so we smiled and walked away.
The only other time was from a coworker who asked why we adopted from China, and gave the speech about all the kids in foster care here, in the USA. We didn’t adopt to “save” a child. We adopted because we decided to have a child, and we chose China.
My pet peeve is when it’s assumed that I wanted to save a child. IMO, that dehumanizes the child and degrades the experience of becoming a family.
January 31st, 2010 at 11:06 pm
I can’t stand the “Made in China” saying! My 13-year-old cousin thinks it’s just so hilarious and wants to buy a shirt for our adopted cousin. The first time I told him it wasn’t a nice thing to say, it was rather offensive actually, but didn’t lecture since I knew it really wasn’t going to do any good. Now I typically just roll my eyes and ignore him, our family’s typical response when he says something 13ish. He also thinks it’d be a grand idea to tattoo a barcode on our cousin. I know he says these things to get attention and is purposely antagonistic. He was also the youngest family member until our cousin was adopted so he might have negative feelings due to that as well. If I were to see a shirt with this I’d probably hide them behind other shirts or turn them around.
With “China Doll,” I don’t think many people outside the adoption community, or are Asian, know it’s a racial slur. I learned only when my aunt mentioned this site and I began following it. I think of a doll made of china that is delicate and pretty. I probably would have used ‘China Doll’ as an endearment if I hadn’t learned about it’s racial origins from here.
January 31st, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Adoption is not the only area where this occurs…though I would agree that the “how much did you pay for her” type questions make this a little more of a concern where adoption is concerned. I have seen a onesie in a very mainstream catalog with the slogan “locally produced”. Kinda the same mindset.
January 31st, 2010 at 11:55 pm
Like ellaem, I was not aware of the association with the term China Doll until I started reading this blog. I cringe inside now when I hear it but do give people some slack if they are outside of the adoption community… especially if they are older.
Now, the whole question of “How much did she cost?” just makes me want to puke. I got it a LOT when we were just home from China and she was tiny. Now, at four, not so much. I have no problem speaking my mind, especially with my daughter at an age where she understands more.
M2I
http://www.MyChineseShamrock.blogspot.com
February 1st, 2010 at 12:05 am
OK I will ask since this is how one learns. What does China Doll mean? I have not come across this info? Thank You!!!
February 1st, 2010 at 12:41 am
Terms get misused or get new definitions all the time. Even the one word where everyone should know better than to use, gets used. You know the really bad word that is just bad no matter who says it or why?
I call bio babies homemade. That is probably offensive to someone.
I’m not going to get in a huff because a grandparent labeled my soon to be matched child fortune cookie. He called his already grandchild jelly bean. We had no name and it was his way of making her family before he died. I don’t quite know how to tell DS all this? Not as cute for a boy. But with a 90% girl referral rate.. It was a treat reference like my neice and a Chinese one too, to him not knowing the history of the fortune cookie. I know he didn’t consider our adding to the family the same as getting take out. And our adopting transracially and from abroad I was a little concerned to how the family would take it. No adoptions on that side and no interracial marriages even. Actually my mom wasn’t 100% Irish and that was a big deal in the early 70′s. I had to think long and hard and have conversations with the ones that mattered before I went ahead. His telling me in that way how good he was we were going to China to adopt meant the world to me before he died.
I would see a made in China shirt worn by someone not made in China, and the made in China part referring to the shirt. I think the take out shirts are sold in a take out container? Are they available for purchase for bio kids of Chinese parents? There are many cute shirts to pick over all of these.
February 1st, 2010 at 12:59 am
I am not new to this site, however, this is the first time I’ve posted.
I have a “Made In China” t-shirt for my daughter because she was….made in China. I never once thought of her as a toy, or clothing or many of the millions of other things that are made in China, or that I own her. I consider her creation.
We have become a country of whiners to the point that no one can say anything to anyone for fear of offending them in some way, shape or form. If we and then our children are going to fall apart when out of ignorance someone says something that offends them, how in the world are they going to handle it when they are truly offended by mean and rotten people? It’s craziness to constantly be worried about what comes outta others’ mouths all the time. I just don’t have the energy for that.
And I have been asked all the classic questions like: How much did she cost? Which my response is: I dunno, how much did your adoption cost? No response. Or, another one: Why not adopt an American child? To which I say: Is that what you did?
And don’t we all really know when someone is deliberately trying to be offensive?
February 1st, 2010 at 1:55 am
I was surprised to see so many “Made in China” t-shirts on the souvenir shops on Shamian Island.
I really wish people would stop asking me questions in front of my daughter like she’s not there, though. When she was a baby, it wasn’t such a big deal, and I was happy to educate people who asked respectful questions. But she’s 5 now. She knows exactly what’s going on, and I feel uncomfortable for her! Now we have a new son. I have to admit, it’s kind of freeing to go out with him, because if people ask me inappropriate questions, I’m not so worried about what he’s thinking as I’m scrambling to decide how to deal with it! But, he’ll be 2 in a few months, and those days are numbered.
February 1st, 2010 at 2:13 am
“made in china” doesn’t bother me. I didn’t buy a shirt and probably wouldn’t put one on my dd but I don’t think it objectifies anyone any more than the “made in the usa” tshirts and “homemade” onesies do (which I wouldn’t have bought for my bio kids).
China Doll I don’t like because I’ve been educated to the meaning but I’m not offended when an ignorant person uses it. I’ll usually make a polite attempt at educating them. Each time it has come up people always respond by saying that they had no idea it was offensive and apologize.
Btw, I’ve asked several (7-10) asian women about the china doll thing and they’ve all said about the same thing “dumb, not offensive.” most of my asian friends are a lot more bothered by the stereotype of asian women as sexually submissive. That they find very offensive.
February 1st, 2010 at 4:28 am
I see two issues at hand here, the first being the ignorant person who says something offensive without being aware that it is offensive. This happens all the time in our society, not just with adopted children. As a new parent of a cross-cultural adopted child I have prepared myself for this inevitable scenario. The second issue is not about how do I perform damage control for my child who otherwise is also ignorant of the offense, it is more about what kind of reaction do I have.
Now I can choose to take offense and have my child observe that I was offended thereby re-enforcing the idea in my child that what was said was an offensive remake about her. This will not do. I could laugh it off letting the offender be none the wise but at the same time give my child the impression that what was said was acceptable. Also not good. The best approach is to be prepared for it and when it happens to quietly and politely correct the person who obviously didn’t mean to offend in the first place but just didn’t know how to properly phrase their curiosity. Knowing that its going to happen is the biggest part so that I don’t act surprised. Then my child learns from my example not to be overly sensitive, not to take things personally, and how to deal with misunderstandings with rational assertiveness.
As for the “Made in China” t-shirt, yes I’ve seen them and though they made me chuckle a bit like seeing one of those “I’m with Stupid” t-shirts, I didn’t even think once about buying one. I wouldn’t call the shirt an objectification or dehumanization of the child wearing it. I just think it’s juvenile and classless. I refuse to empower words or objects with the ability to change my self esteem and that is an important lesson I can teach my child. Just my opinion.
February 1st, 2010 at 8:17 am
The “China doll” phrase seems to not be a problem to women over about 35 or 40, but talk to a teen, or a young lady in college or just a few years out of college, and you’ll hear just how offensive it is to be called a name that “puts them in their place sexually”. And our girls are more likely to be in that group of people who say they would rather be called a Chink than a China Doll, because the former only speaks to their race, the latter also makes them feel icky sexually. Like the person sees them as a sex object with no say in what happens.
Some kids are more sensitive than others. I imagine that when TT gets older she’ll laugh most of this off. But GlitterGirl is at that age where she is extremely sensitive about anything that makes her feel different. My goal is that she’ll grow up to be proud of the things that make her different… but right now? Not so much. When she was about six we had a long talk after she saw a “Made in China” shirt at an FCC event, and her response was something about all of her toys being made in China, and she’s not a toy. She had anger about it then, now she’d probably just crawl up in a ball and cry. I’m not a terribly sensitive person, if I was I could never run this blog. But our kids come with their own personalities. We can help shape those personalities, but that’s about it. And all kids are going to go through phases where they are more or less sensitive.
Just remember, whatever you put your child in – if he or she someday sees a picture of it, you’ll have to answer to them why you thought it was appropriate.
I know there are a lot of parents who would deal with it by trying to invalidate the child’s feelings. I’ve heard from too many adult adoptees who got seriously warped by that, so I hope to never invalidate my daughters’ feelings just because they make me uncomfortable.
February 1st, 2010 at 9:26 am
I don’t take offense to what people say… I use all opportunities as opportunities to educate. And… I am empowering my children – biological and adopted – and teaching them to be strong in who they are. I know my children learn from the way I react – so I don’t react in a negative way at all when faced with any comments regarding my children. I do believe most comments are not made to be mean… and although adoption is front and center in our lives… most people have not a clue.
My children and how they feel are most important… I always talk to them … age appropriate. It is amazing how much one can learn from their children… at least I sure learn a lot from mine!
And… my mom… who is the sweetest most loving and caring woman on the face of the earth… calls my youngest “HER China Doll”. She traveled to China with me and will always have a very special place in her heart for her youngest grand daughter. She does it out of love and my daughter loves it.. she knows she is cherished. When she is older, she will learn the “accepted” meaning of the term… but I trust that she will always know that the “true” meaning for her is a term of love that is special between her and her grandmother.
As for the t-shirts… different quotes for different folks. Those Old Navy tees from a while back “Brown Eyed Girl”… they are about the cutest… there is a serious side and a light side of everything.
February 1st, 2010 at 11:17 am
Good for you, RQ. This can’t be stressed enough.
February 1st, 2010 at 12:17 pm
I am probably in the minority here, but I am not only not offended by the “Made in China” shirt, I bought one for my daughter. I also bought my husband a hat that says BaBa, my son a shirt that say Ge Ge and my father in law a hat that says YeYe. I guess I don’t understand why so many people find it offensive.
She will always know she came from China, just like she will always know how much we love her and want her.
February 1st, 2010 at 1:08 pm
For those who just want to see the humor in it, maybe you’ll find this funny – the Adoption Apparel Translator:
http://www.racialicious.com/2007/08/08/introducing-the-adoption-apparel-translator/
Seriously, if you think it’s funny, or cute… I really think you’re missing the point. Yes, there is some dark humor in there, sure. I won’t say there isn’t. The question is whether it is appropriate to label our kids this way. Is it more important to be funny, or to respect our kids’ feelings?
My children know they can tell me, honestly, how something makes them feel. One of GG’s friends cannot tell her mom that things make her feel bad, because her mom then puts her down for feeling that way. She tried to tell her mom that she didn’t want her to bring a slideshow to school of their trip to China for CNY one year, but her mother did it anyway. Sure, it was relevant since there were pictures of CNY celebrations in China, but the daughter didn’t want her mom to single her out that way, but her mother told her she was wrong to feel embarrassed about it, and she did it anyway. Her mother is all about being fashionable, and I’ve talked before about how some people adopt because they think it’s “fashionable”.
My children are human beings with feelings. It’s one thing to say your children are never going to feel bad about some of this, it’s another thing for your children to actually never have those feelings. They will change their minds about how they feel a dozen or more times until they settle on something in their adulthood. Don’t be so positive they are never going to feel objectified by these statements.
February 1st, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Someone just pointed me to what looks like an interesting book: Made in China: A Story of Adoption
February 1st, 2010 at 2:34 pm
The book mentioned sounds like a great tool for our children to have. And we do need to think about what they will need as they move through life…and filling that ‘toolbox’ is going to be an important job.
February 1st, 2010 at 2:40 pm
I have not read the book, so I can’t really recommend it. I just thought it interesting that a book’s message/plot was built around the pain that such a phrase can create in our kids.
February 1st, 2010 at 3:10 pm
I too bought my children these shirts. And I do not equate it with having “bought” my children and nor do I think that they are a commodity.
I also myself have worn made in America shirts.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Nor do I see it as juvenile or classless.
I see it as a matter of pride. My boys do not look “typically chinese”. They have albinism. I want them to be able to say “I am from China” w/ pride.
They have already had kids that are chinese saying to them, “you look chinese…sort of…what are you???”
at play areas we’ve been to. My boys were born in China, “made in China” and at this age they can’t speak for themselves. So sometimes we let the shirt do it for them.
You may think I am wrong to let my child wear this shirt, because of weight that you put to it. To me it means entirely something different.
We also have had adults in the asian community ask about them. Some stand back and give us questioning looks, while others come up and ask sometimes politely sometimes not what their story is.
We have on a few occasions worn the shirt to activities in the asian community and we heard a lot of positive feedback from people there. they thought it was great that we were letting it be known that our kids were from China – instead of as one person put it just letting them “pass as white”
So….we may have to agree to disagree on this subject.
Try looking at the issue from another perspective and see if maybe you can see another’s view point.
Pride…instead of objectification.
-jello
February 1st, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Wow! Thanks, RQ. I learn so much from your site, but this is a new one for me. I had no idea that “China Doll” had a sexual connotation. Perhaps because I’m 41. ;) When I grew up, a china doll was a doll with a porcelain face and hands. They were of no particular ethnicity. I just figured people unwittingly co-opted the term when they saw a cute baby of Chinese dissent. I had no idea it was a slur.
I have called someone’s child “a doll” before, but I use it for cute girl babies of any race. I just hope I didn’t offend anyone by using it toward a Chinese girl. Ugh… I like to think that more people are like me, and would be mortified to know they were saying or doing something offensive out of ignorance. I guess someone has to be the educators, so it’s good to speak up and say something.
And I had not heard of or seen the T-shirts before. If I did, I would NOT buy one. That’s just weird to me. Babies aren’t “made” like products off an assembly line.
Oh, and I did have someone recently ask me where we were “buying” our son from. It was a slip of the tounge, for which the speaker quickly apologized, but I was beyond offended thinking it revealed an inner prejudice.
February 1st, 2010 at 6:42 pm
I don’t think anyone’s opinions on this matter are right or wrong! I think they are all just different!
February 1st, 2010 at 6:44 pm
When we are adopted our daughter 3 years ago, our adoption agency actually sent us a “made in China” t-shirt. Would you believe it?
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:08 pm
I appreciate the sensitivity that many of you are showing relating to this topic. May I respectfully suggest that if you are not a person “of color”, it may not be your place to decide what is or isn’t racially offensive. You just don’t know personally what it’s like. Whether or not you are offended is one thing, but your child, when they are old enough to have an opinion of their own, will probably feel quite differently than you.
It’s better to err on the side of caution and be more sensitive than you think you should be. As an Asian-American, I can certainly attest to the fact that being proud of being (white)-American in America is vastly different than being proud of being of minority descent. It’s just a sad reality of our culture even still.
Don’t try to analyze it from your own point of view…try to put yourself in your child’s shoes, as much as is possible.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:31 am
I love blogs that insult me. Really.
Truthfully, though, I was having a conversation with a co-worker Sunday. She is 21 and was adopted. She decided a long time ago that she would more than likely not have any biological kids.
She said, “I have my family because of adoption and that’s how I’ll have a family.” I know that with China adoptions and caucasian families that race and culture issues are involved, but I truly believe from EVERYTHING I have read that we will see a difference from the the adult adoptees of today and the adult adoptees in 20 years.
That is, of course, if they ever recover from being dressed inappropriately – see RQ’s link….oh yeah, that and the ridiculously big bows some folks put on their kids.
I will continue to read about the perspective of adult adoptees because it will help me to parent my little girl. If anyone comes across some prominent blogs that focus on the good stories from adult adoptees, please let me know….I want to read those too.
February 10th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Late to the party, but had to comment. I really hate those Made in China t-shirts and some of the other China adoption themed merchandise like what you find on Cafepress. “Exploitative” is the word I would use to describe them. I especially can’t stand the “Baby” t-shirts with the arrow pointing down to the China map that looks like an ultrasound image. Why do some people feel compelled to thrust their personal information into the faces of others who probably won’t even understand or care? It’s almost as if they feel that they have to compensate for having taken an “alternative” path by playing it up and making it seem trendy and cute. Yes, we want our children to be proud of who and what they are, but we also have to respect their privacy until they’re old enough to make their own choices about how much of their personal stories to make public. Right now, my daughter, who is 4, loves wearing her panda t-shirt with the Chinese characters and taking China-themed storybooks to school to have read to her classmates. Maybe in another few years, she’ll be more concerned with fitting in and not shouting her difference from the rooftops. I may not approve of her choices, but I have to respect them. I always tell myself that I can’t know how she really feels, only she can know that, and I have to defer to it and validate it. The only important thing is that we help her maintain a connection to her cultural heritage which is shared by our whole family, and there are much better ways to do that than by making her wear stupid t-shirts that compromise her privacy.