Meant to Be
After writing today’s post I realized where the comments were likely to head, so I’m going back to the top of the post and adding this: Today’s post is not about discussing your beliefs, my beliefs, or any religious tenets. It’s about how an adopted child sees this phrase.
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I am going to caution, once again, about the hazards of this phrase when it comes to adoption.
Let me start by telling a story of a child who was not internationally adopted. This child’s parents were killed in a car accident a few days after she turned three, and a little over a year later she was placed with her third set of foster parents, and that couple eventually managed to adopt her. They are great parents, if a little overprotective (even by my standards). This young lady is an athlete for a fairly large college, she has a 3.8 GPA, and she has a wonderful future ahead of her.
This girl is now 21, and is the close friend of my cousin’s daughter. And there is really no other way to say this and get it across correctly: She is pissed at God. And she says that she has been since she first realized that if she was meant to be with these parents, if God had some plan that meant she was meant to be raised by these particular parents, then that means he had a personal hand in killing her biological parents.
Her parents did not discover she was pissed at God until about a year ago, even though she says that she has felt this way since she was in about the third or fourth grade. She knew her parents would not understand, and she never felt she could talk to them about it, about what God did to her, taking her original parents away from her.
She is now realizing that perhaps it was not, as her parents have always said, “Meant to be”. Perhaps there is no grand plan, perhaps this was not some Supreme Being deciding to kill a baby’s parents, or deciding to let this child be born to the wrong parents and then killing the parents because he screwed up. Perhaps her parents were wrong about God, perhaps they learned wrong from their parents, perhaps she should look at other religions, see what they have to say about this. She is currently studying with a Native American shaman, and she says that for the first time in her life she feels peace about her spirituality. She’s still working towards feeling peace about losing her original family.
I know this because my cousin’s daughter went to a sweat lodge with her friend, and my cousin isn’t at all comfortable with that (to put it mildly). I had a talk with the girls, and I think they’ve both got their heads on straight. They are figuring out what they are going to believe, as all kids must do at some point. I think they will both be fine, and I’ve privately cautioned my cousin against closing down all conversation with her now grown daughter. Sure, she can threaten to stop paying for her part of her daughter’s college expenses if she doesn’t “stop this nonsense”, but all that is likely to do is make her daughter stop being honest about what’s going on in her life.
So, now onto a discussion of kids who are internationally adopted: I’ve seen multiple adult adoptees go off on rants on their blogs about this very subject – how if it was “meant to be” for them to be with their a-parents, then that means it was “meant” for them to be ripped from their biological parents. For those kids who had a rough time in an orphanage, then it also follows that it was “meant” for them to go through that, as well. That whatever Supreme Deity is up there decided that these horrible things should happen to this little defenseless baby.
Adoption Survivor, on the “Sage Advice for Adoptive Parents” page, says:
I’m not going to go so far as to tell you what to believe, but I am strongly cautioning against saying it out loud to your children. In any form.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:06 am
Good post…and I will leave it at that:)
February 17th, 2010 at 10:15 am
Great post! I have never liked this phrase and have even seen “meant to be together” on adoption t-shirts. Your story is a great way to illustrate the dangers of looking at adoption this way. This is yet another situation where it is imperative to see adoption through the eyes of our children, rather than through our own. For most parents, adoption is a joyous event, yet for our children, it the result of profound, unimaginable losses.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:22 am
I never thought of it from that perspective before. Thank you for pointing that out.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Thank you so much for that, RQ! I completely agree. So often I find this idea about “God’s plan” being nothing more than self-gratification among adoptive parents. Based on what I see on a lot of blogs by AP’s, I must say I fear you’re spitting in the wind! Still, if you get through to one person, it’s something! Thanks again!
February 17th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Very well said, I am glad you have tackled this subject.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Great topic and I can see the dilema in posting this. Having said this, what I have always told my DD’s is that sometimes one door is shut in life and another opens. Does this mean it was the will of God that the ‘door was shut’ or that some higher being caused this to happen? I honestly don’t know. I think its life circumstances that opens and shuts the door and how we respond as individuals that shapes our experiences. And this is how I explain it to my daughter. I am sad that she could not be with her biological family (for her sake), but I am also extremely grateful that if she couldn’t, that she got to be part of my family. I think I will always feel conflicted about my feelings about this so I can only imagine how much of a conflict this might pose to an adoptee. And yes, I agree with RQ that being careful how you approach this topic with your child is important.
Thanks for a thought provoking post RQ!
February 17th, 2010 at 10:49 am
great post! (remind them to be careful in that sweat lodge! wasnt it a few months ago that some speaker dude took 60 people into one? too many in a small space)
Can people share what they ARE discussing with their children or what they have read from adoptees as to a ‘good’ way to approach this discussion?
February 17th, 2010 at 10:54 am
THANK YOU, RUMOR QUEEN!!!! Quite frankly, saying “we’re blessed” has the same connotations to me. There are always two sides to a coin, and it is disturbing to me to see parents tell their a-kids that “God brought them to their a-family.” Or, that “God had a plan.” There is a compunction to look on the bright side of adoption by APs to the extent that it is akin to placing one’s head in the sand. Adoption is always bittersweet. Sadly, we tell our six y/o a lot of “I don’t know.” We don’t tell her that her parents loved her when they abandoned her, or “left her to be found.” We don’t know what happened. Believe me when I say that it rips my heart out to tell her I don’t know the circumstances of her abandonment, her Chinese parents names, or whether or not she has siblings. It could have been the grandparents that made the decision without the parent/s even knowing. And, there are countless unscrupulous things that could have happened. There is no doubt in my mind, legitimately or not, that we gained from someone else’s loss. And, yes…it weighs on my heart heavily.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:55 am
and the link to the sage advice blog? GREAT!!!
February 17th, 2010 at 11:03 am
My friend has a domestically adopted little boy and is soon to adopt his biological sister. When she gets asked if God meant them to be a family she says yes, but that God only decided this after he saw they couldn’t stay with the birth parents. Personally I like this approach as it shows God’s hand at work but also shows he didn’t plan for things to not work out with the birth family.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:12 am
I agree with this and have seen it addressed in discussions among other groups. Because I do know a lot of parents who have adopted and take the “meant to be” stance, I’ve thought about it a lot. I have said that I understand now why I had to wait so long for a child to people close to me (never DD), but I’ve never thought it was a direct cause and effect plan from God. I think it is worthy to contemplate and thinking about how it all works can make us grow and be more loving. I’m about as conservative and study in regards to my faith probably more than an average person according to stats, but I do think RQ is correct on the consequences of this thinking. And it’s doesn’t just apply to adoption. The “meant to be” is a psuedo-comforting way to address tragedy and mayhem we cannot otherwise explain with some sort of sincere thought.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:14 am
I think how a child interprets this phrase is going to be heavily influenced by the religious beliefs and actions within their family, when they were adopted, the circumstances of their adoption, how their adoption story is told, and how well they feel they “fit” within their family.
Its hard to discuss this topic without getting into these aspects (and that could be someone’s dissertation topic as it is an extremely broad subject).
February 17th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Violet – I addressed that, and there was a discussion about what makes a sweat lodge safe and what makes one dangerous, they’d already done the research. Like I said, these girls have their heads on straight and while I have some concerns and want to keep communication open, I’m not really worried about them.
As for discussion – I’d like to keep direct religious based quotes and proselytizing out of the comments, but if you can speak in general terms then sure, that works.
If any of you missed it, I did a series a while back discussing adult adoptee blogs, you can read through the series by going to the Series Listings (http://chinaadopttalk.com/series-listings/) page.
As for some of the rest of you, all I can do is offer advice. You can throw it out the window without considering it if you wish, of course.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:21 am
I don’t use the term “meant to be,” for the very valid reasons RQ pointed out. However, I also think that the young lady would probably be angry or at least hurt whether her parents had used the phrase or something else or nothing at all. I’m not sure it really turned on whether that phrase was ever uttered.
That being said, I still don’t like the idea behind the phrase. It implies that God wanted my daughter to suffer abandonment, wanted her birthmother to be left wondering about her, etc. all so that I could have a child. My own way of expressing (largely to myself at this point) is that free will makes an imperfect world where people are left with sometimes terrible choices, but such is the price of free will. Her birthmother couldn’t keep her. Being all-knowing, God knew that she needed a family to love her, and I do believe He put it on my heart to go get her. I could have not followed that, but I’m so glad I did.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:22 am
I don’t use the phrase “meant to be,” but I think that some people who use it may mean something other this was God’s plan. Most of the time, they probably mean that they love their adopted child so much and that it feels so natural and right to love them. What is meant to be is their love, which springs forth without effort.
Also many people (Christian and non) throughout history have grappled with the question of why a supposedly loving God would let bad things happen. I would argue that while the young woman mentioned in this blog post may be pissed at God, her exploration of Native American worship traditions indicates that she too is searching for an answer to that question. Which is quite different than rejecting the existence of God.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Is this an adoption issue? I think it’s an issue for all of us. Why was a tragedy allowed in our life? Was God’s hand in it? I think that many religions deal with this, quite well. I had to deal with this after an infant loss and I was plenty pissed. I guess that bottom line is, I disagree. I think my adopted kiddos need to know that there is a plan. Sometimes it’s just a really hard one.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:25 am
I believe it’s all how you look at things! I’m a person that likes to be positive and looks at things from both sides and I believe that some causes are “meant to be!” But based on the book “When bad things happen to good people” for this situation it doesn’t mean God took someone away, it’s just what happened. In the meantime, the silver lining is that this child was placed in loving arms and a good home to live her life and get a second chance on being the so called “normal” ~ right?
February 17th, 2010 at 11:38 am
But this child has spent her whole life feeling this way, and not feeling she could dare go against her parents beliefs – and they were so positive that she was “meant to be their daughter”. She never felt she could question that out loud.
If the parents had not pushed this idea so hard, maybe they could have had a conversation about this when she was ten, maybe she’d have resolved this in her heart long before now.
Instead, this has festered in her heart for most of her life. She’s sat in church Sunday after Sunday, feeling bitterness every time someone talked about a loving God, and only recognizing the vengeful aspects of God in her mind. Even now, I don’t believe her parents have any idea of the pain this has caused their child. She’s tried to talk to them about it, but she says they are too defensive about their beliefs, they can’t hear what she’s saying. They just preach to her, they won’t listen.
That is the point here. How she felt about this her entire life. It isn’t about how you feel about whether things can be “meant to be” or not, it has to do with how a child with tragedy in their history internalizes this message.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:54 am
Love this post! I have never considered how the term “meant to be” could be interpreted by someone who has a strong faith in God (the Christian one). I think anyone who goes through a trauma, whether an accident or an abadonment would be well within their rights to question the motive’s behind such a “plan.”
As an non-believer, I often use the phrase “meant to be” to describe how it feels when things just sort of work out with an unusual ease. A synonym for destiny or fate. I am guilty of using it in connection with our adoption journey. Since we found our DS on a designated SWC list, things have fallen into place in a way they simply hadn’t until now. The phrase is certainly not meant to imply that everything that led to my son’s abandonment was pre-ordained by some powerful being. It just means that things feel right.
I will, however, be sensitive to using the phrase in front of my son. However, I see your cousin’s daughter’s friend’s situation very differently. I think questioning the tenents of one’s religion, even if it means rejecting it and exploring alternative beliefs is a very healthy part of early adulthood. But, that’s my perspective. Thanks again for another provocative post. :)
February 17th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
I can totally see where you are coming from and how the adoptee would feel in this situation. Never do I feel that it was “Gods plan” to leave children without biological parents, for whatever reason, however, I do fully believe that once a child is in the situation of needing a family, God can bring new families together to experience a life together. I guess it depends on how you look at things. I had a similar life experience (without getting into detail) growing up. When I was younger I did question God, and became very angry. I realized that anger was spreading into other areas of my life, and I was becoming someone I never wanted to be. After counseling and many years of sorting it all out, now as an adult I am able to look at things differently. We all have something that in a way defines us, a battle we have had to face, a big issue to overcome. For me, looking at where I could have been, how things could have been worse, and how thankfully I did have the love of a family, although the unit was not what I wished it could have been, was far better than focusing on the negatives. I hope your friend finds the peace that she needs to live her life to the fullest and experience joy. I am thinking that over time her opinions may change a bit. I would never shut the door to communication with my child even if we did disagree.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Oh…and it is not right for a parent to shut out feelings of their children…ever. I think they were well meaning, but the child should have felt comfortable enough to talk openly with the parents about how she felt early on. As parents we have to be open to hearing things sometimes we do not want to hear, we have to have lines of communications open at all times. The parents did fail this child, although I do not think it was intentional.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
I think this is a very important topic to discuss. The young woman of which RQ writes feels what she feels. It’s real. They’re her feelings, and you can’t argue with that.
For those of us who do have a very solid faith in a “higher being” controlling things, I think it’s important for us to be aware of how those beliefs may end up effecting our children.
Today is SoccerGirl’s birthday; and I’ll be very honest, I’ve used many words today that I have a feeling this young woman’s parents used with her. If SoccerGirl is going to end up suffering because of that, I need to know it. I need to be open to the idea that I’m not the end all know all, and that maybe there’s a better way to present things to my kids.
So I’m interested in hearing how other parents have broached the subject.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
Most of the people that I have heard say “meant to be” seem to be talking more about the matching process, and not the circumstances surrounding how the child came to be available for adoption. As in, it’s as if she was meant to be in our family because she is such a good fit. I understand how an adoptee could take it to mean something very different. In my mind, I don’t think it’s a problem with the phrase or religious belief behind it, but rather a communication problem between the parent and child. It’s too bad the parent and child couldn’t have explored together what the parent meant…much heartache could have been avoided.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I think this is a hot subject that has to do much more with their daughters anger towards God then saying meant to be. Many people that have bad things happen to them and do not have the beliefs and faith to help them through it would react this way. And I know people that have suffered horrific trajedies, find peace. I belief God had a hand in joining me with my daughter and although he did not cause my daughters birth mother to abandon her , he did allow it to happen. But see this becomes an issue of religious beliefs, so I think I will stop here. I respect everyones choice to believe or not. Thank you RQ for the advice..it does make me think.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
You are correct doc33, they failed her in this. But they had no way of knowing it at the time. They taught her what they believed, that it was meant to be, that it was part of God’s Grand Plan. But they never thought of the other side of that, how a child might internalize it. They had no idea they were closing off conversation – they thought they were assuring her that she was where she was supposed to be in life, assuring her how much they loved her.
But now? Shutting her down now? I’ve only heard her side of the story, but I’d like to think they don’t realize they are doing it. They hear where they think she’s heading, and since they have all of the answers (their own answers, obviously not her answers at this point) they just jump right in to give her the answers, to tell her what they believe, assuming she’ll believe it because they feel so strongly about it. My advice to her was to write them a letter or an email – something so she can say everything she wants to say without being interrupted.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
That is a great idea RQ, writing a letter would let her clearly express how she feels without being interrupted. Thanks for the reminder that regardless of personal belief that children can internalize things differently than we had intended, and there are many examples of this in the adoption world.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
“Meant to be” is a modern phrase for Predestination which is a religious concept from Calvinism. Most Protestant churches in America have evolved from Protestant Calvinism. A belief in God does not necessarily mean that one believes in Predestination…many religious people believe in free will. Free will implies that an omnipotent divinity does not assert its power over individual will and choices. In stead of shutting down her daughter maybe your cousin could explore the concept of free will in Christianity with her.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
bottom line: if these parents tell their daughter she was meant to be with them, they are telling her that her birthparents were meant to die a horrible tragic death when she was just a toddler. it’s that simple for me.
i also don’t buy into the whole magical meant-to-be matching process. you love your child. you love your children. and because of that they fit into your family. if you had been matched with a different child you would feel the same way about that child. you can’t imagine your child not being in your life…but if you had never met them and had a different child you would feel the same way about them. that’s love.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
SoccorMom,
How about this? There’s a difference between a higher being who controls and one who loves. I try to be thankful to the higher being or power without believing this being actually controlled the situation. If the God is love, then we can love an be thankful, and that’s the power working through us, rather than controlling and willing the situation.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
SoccerMom,
Sorry for the typos in my last comment! I was typing quickly. I forgot to add that my daughter and I talk about how lucky we are and thankful we are to be together, but this idea of it being because of a plan is not an element of the discussion. We do talk about her birth family and her feelings of sadness about how they felt they couldn’t raise her, whatever the reason. So, ultimately, we are thankful for the good things, but neither blame nor credit a higher being with plans. (My feeling has always been the higher plan idea backs us into a corner. If God plans everything, then why are some children not adopted, why are their earthquakes, etc. The list naturally goes on!)
February 17th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
What I think is happening here is a natural and normal case of a child separating from her family and thinking things out for herself. I am not sure the phrase “meant to be” is any more loaded than a lot of other phrases we parents say. It all depends on how the child interprets it, and we have no control over that.
I am sure there will also be situations where the child hears meant to be all the time, and never thinks twice about it. It isn’t so much what is said, but how the parents react if their child has negative feelings about what is said .
February 17th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
I myself don’t believe at all that it was meant to be and therefor will never say this to my children.
I don’t even believe in fate or anything. A lot of people say that it is just the right child that was matched to them. Of course I can’t imagine having any other children than mine, but now that we know how sn children are matched (in less than 30 seconds!!! and I have known this for a long time) I can only conclude that it is purely arbitrairy which child ends up with which parents.
And if you had a quicker home study, or something had gotten lost in the mail for a month, you simply would have gotten a different child entirely. The miraculous thing about adoption is that you get these kids by chance and they grow to be your unique and super special children! By now I even think that they look like me hihi ;o)
February 17th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Some of you are really thinking about this. That’s pretty cool.
For others, the ones convincing themselves this one child feels this way and other children won’t – understand that there are many, many, blogs out there with adult adoptees saying basically the same thing. Not to mention the private areas where adult adoptees talk to each other and sometimes allow parents of adopted children to listen in if we promise to behave ourselves and not invalidate their feelings.
This child (young lady at this point) is not an isolated incident, this appears to be pretty widespread amongst those children raised in a very religious household where this was a prevailing theme. It is not the first time I’ve heard a grown adoptee say this.
As I said before, all I can do is put the idea out there. It’s up to you whether you take it to heart or not. I’m not going to argue the whole destiny/free-will argument, that is not what today’s post is about. Today’s post is just pointing out how a whole lot of adoptees view the whole “meant to be” thing. What you do with that information is, of course, entirely up to you. I’m not trying to change anyone’s view of reality, I’m just trying to point out how a child may see that view.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I apologize up front…..I haven’t had time to read all the comments, so I hope I am adding to the conversation rather than repeating.
This is an interesting discussion because people tend to look at the words from a personal point of view. If we would take time to look at how the other person could/would view the statement, perhaps we would word it a different way.
I see the “meant to be” from a parent’s perspective really means that the the parent was meant to be in the position at a point in time to be able to have the privilege to become the parent of the child. In the case of a child who lost their birth parents described in the RQ post above, had the adoptive parents been ready to adopt two years prior, they wouldn’t have been in the position to adopt HER.
From my perspective, and this realization hit me hard after the adoption of my oldest daughter, there was another hand in the adoption, in fact there were many hands. I am a single parent who spent years looking for Mr. Right who never came along. Then there was the person who told me that singles could complete an adoption from China. Then there was the hands from my agency who submitted my dossier. Then there was the hand from the orphanage who submitted my daughter’s paperwork to the CCAA. Then there was the hand who matched me to my daughter and vice versa.
After some time had passed being her mother, I realized just how many things had to fall in place for me (ME!) to have the unbelivable privilege and awsome responsibility of being her mother. I thought about how she could have easily been matched with any of the other families in our travel group. That thought horrified me, because although I knew in my mind that all the girls were terrific girls, my wonderful daughter with whom I laughed and cried with would not be a part of me.
It is hard for anyone to think that God or some other higher entity would knowingly take away a baby’s parents, or a parent’s baby, or a long loved spouse or a parent who is elderly and lived a long life. Loss at its deepest and most primal is painful, whatever the perspective. Still, bad things happen to good people. The initial loss is not what an adoptive parent means when they say the words “meant to be”. It means that the parent was ‘meant to be’ there after the painful event happened so they can help their child grow into an adult and come to grips with the pain of the loss.
We as adoptive parents need to be very careful with our words. Children tend to think literally. We all find meaning in words based upon our personal perspective. The above RQ post is an excellent example of no matter how well intentioned the words may be…..they can take on a whole new meaning different from the original.
February 17th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
I see your point. It is difficult to feel as if things were not meant to be. If China, had not slowed down, we would not adopted our second child who we feel was truly meant to be with us. We unknowingly named him the same first AND middle name as his birth mother! It is hard to deny a grand plan in that situation. I almost fell over when I heard what name was on his birth certificate. And yes, he was also up for adoption out of a tragedy. So, we will tell him about this amazing fact. That his birth mother and I seemed to be connected mentally. I think HE will conclude that it was, indeed, meant to be. :-)
February 17th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
waitingforjoessister: ‘YOU think’ HE will conclude that it was, indeed, meant to be? ‘I’ think the point of RQ’s post is being missed.
February 17th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
It’s hard to have this discussion without bringing religion into it, because religion influences how we look at the “big questions” in life, and our personal answers to those questions.
I’m not a believer in predestination, and I do not think that my son’s loss of his original family was part of a higher plan. For me, life just doesn’t work like that. So he’ll never hear the phrase “meant to be” as it relates to how he came to join our family.
When we talk about adoption with our son, sooner or later the talk turns to a discussion of gain and loss.
We point out that for us as his parents, it was all gain. We have a terrific son who we love very much.
However, it wasn’t all gain for our son. In order to join our family, we know (and readily acknowledge to him) that he had to lose so much – his original family, his birth culture, even his first language.
We’ve always tried to make it clear that it’s okay, and perfectly normal, to be mad about losing so much.
Sometimes life isn’t fair, and that hurts.
As he moves toward adulthood, our son may find very different answers to the “Big Questions”. These answers may be framed in a religious context, or not – that’s up to him.
UUMom
February 17th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
I agree with RQ. I believe my children were guided to me, and I do not believe that they were meant to be with me.
They were meant to be with their biological parents, just like every child is. However, due to many different circumstances this was not possible. We do not use the words birthparents and such. I have never tried to detach my children from their first parents.
I am not religious and I believe that everyone has the right to choose their own path in life and determine for themselves what beliefs feels right for them. For our family we do not use ‘God’ as a determining factor in ones outcome on life as to us it doesn’t make sense. I have my own belief system and it is mine, I share it with my children but they do not have to follow it. My kids are very grateful for this and they have never felt that we had any entitlement to them just because our circumstances are so much more fortunate than their first parents. I don’t like the term ‘God’s plan’
either. “Was it his plan to have a little girl sexually molested most of her life, and before that be born to an abusive parent?” This question can be asked by thousands of children all over the world. There are many scenarios just like this. You can also question why do some people who have commited heinous acts towards other have longevity and live free and comfortably in other countries that protect them from extradiction. “Does that mean they are looked upon favorably?” If many can question such things, I can only imagine how a child feels.
February 17th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I am just saying that I won’t even have to suggest it. I will not have to even use the words “meant to be.” It is so obvious in his case,…the SAME exact FIRST AND MIDDLE name. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. I believe in the grand plan. Sometimes it smacks you in the face,…as it did us. :-)
February 17th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Personally, I find it difficult to believe that a Sovereign God would orchestrate a painful, and emotionally overwhelming pregnancy on a woman, knowing she would be unable or unwilling to raise her child by herself, thus causing her, in desperation, to create a plan to have another person or family raise her child… just so that potential adoptive parents could have the perfect “God chosen” child for their family.
But in this broken world, where all that is ‘right’ and ‘perfect’ and ‘fair’ doesn’t always happen, there is an opportunity to find beauty from the ashes. And that’s what I think adoption is all about.
When I was a teenager we lived on a small farm. Each spring, my Mother would pick a weekend and then set fires on the fenced-in fields to burn off the dead grasses that made it through a long Mid-Western winter. Sometimes these fires were spectacular (and yes, even dangerous!) but they were always supervised and kept under control. Although I understood why she was doing it, it was still scary to see, and sad to view the charred earth for weeks afterward. But then something amazing would happen. Little green shoots would start poking up through the blackened earth, and before long there was no evidence of the fire. The new grass would grow in faster and thicker than before, providing nourishment for the horses we owned, and beauty for those passing by our little farm in their cars. But my mother, knowing that after a bit of time, the ugliness would be replaced by beautiful green, nourishing grass for our horses, set these fires intentionally. I think that many adoptive parents might associate their own adoptive process with this type of scenario… now that the fire is extinguished, the darkened earth is regenerated and the grass is green again, therefore everything is right where it belongs and seems “normal.” And while this analogy may sound good to adoptive parents I believe this sentiment is still a bit off the target.
Still using the fire analogy, I think a more accurate picture of adoption, is picturing a raging wildfire or other inferno that was not set for a specific purpose (like burning off a field), or intentionally set fires that have gotten wildly out of control and cause huge devastation, destroying homes, neighborhoods and national parks; fires that have ravaged people’s hopes and dreams and belongings along with the destruction caused by the fire. It’s a totally different image of fire when you think of it this way.
Yes, there is eventually beauty and re-growth after the fire, thought sometimes it takes years for the beauty and re-growth to be visible. Some people would rightly say that fire (even unintentional fires) are good for the environment, might even say it is “a blessing in disguise,” allowing some species of trees to re-seed themselves which can only be done after the seeds are exposed to extreme heat. But to those who lost everything that they held dear, you cannot expect them to see the “blessing in disguise” after living through such an inferno.
Because a knowing person…a person who once lived in the charred and destroyed house that once stood, will always look at the site of a destructive fire and see what was once there, and be able to, with pinpoint accuracy, remember everything about the old place and mourn it, even after a new building is constructed and green grass and little jack pine trees have begun to grow.
I admit that I feel a sense of unease when I see or hear well-intentioned people writing about how “God chose this child for my family” or “God meant this child to be in our family” or a similar sentiment. I’m sure those adoptive parents, overjoyed with the child that they find themselves parenting or the referral pictures they are looking at, cannot imagine how devastating it must be for birth parents, and the adopted children themselves, to read or hear such statements. I would guess than none of the adoptive parents who may have uttered or written those types of sentiments ever thought how cruel those types of statements might come across to others, especially to someone who might have surrendered a child to adoption, or been adopted themselves.
I firmly believe that adoption is the business of making beauty from the ashes, allowing something beautiful from something tragic. I fully believe that every birth mother who finds herself unable to care for her child, for whatever reason, and subsequently places that child for adoption, has had a fervent prayer in her heart – that her child finds a family to love and care for him or her. I’m not naïve enough to believe that everyone prays to the same God I do, but I do believe that each of the millions of birth mothers who relinquish their child to another has prayed to the god of her choosing, or made a wish, dreamed a dream or wrote out a plan that her child would have a family who loves him or her, and offers opportunities for the child to have a full and rewarding life. Let’s face it, with abortion so easily available in our world, and since it has become so readily acceptable a solution to preventing an unplanned pregnancy, that those who choose to carry to term and deliver, and then relinquish that child, I have to believe that she wants that child to be cared for by a family that loves and cherishes her child.
I am a firm believer in God, and believe that He has His hand over everything, that He allows things to happen as a result of the choices people make, and that bad things happen to good people, just like good things happen to the not so deserving among us. But hearing sentiments like “this child was born to be my child” or “God chose the perfect child for our family” expressed by overjoyed new adoptive parents or adoptive parents-to-be still makes me wince a little every time.
TB
February 17th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
beenheredonethat:
I am just saying that I won’t even have to suggest it. I will not have to even use the words “meant to be.” It is so obvious in his case,…the SAME exact FIRST AND MIDDLE name. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. I believe in the grand plan. :-)
February 17th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
I am just saying that I won’t even have to suggest it. I will not have to even use the words “meant to be.” It is so obvious in his case,…the SAME exact FIRST AND MIDDLE name. It doesn’t get any clearer than that.
February 17th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Many adoptees do feel this way. So do many others. I have heard these same words spoken through women who have lost children, couples experiencing infertility, people who have lost spouses, ect. It is one of the most difficult aspects of faith to deal with. What did God cause? What did He allow? Was it meant to be? In our situation, if our son had not died we wouldn’t have our 2 adopted kids. I can’t imagine life without them. Certainly though I would never go through the pain of losing a child willingly. De he cause me to lose my son to parent the children we have? Hard to imagine. So I chose to hold fast to what I believe knowing I may never know the answers.
So what do we do with our kids? We do our best. It is in these very difficult times that our faith and theirs can be defined. I will support my children’s thoughts no matter how hard they are for me to hear. When it comes to faith issues we are all left to scratch and sceam and seek our own way.
We are in a very difficult situation. I have never posted on this site before. I came here searching for info for my brother and sil and never left because as a mom with young adopted kids I appreciated the adoption related info. (Thanks RQ!) we adopted both our children through the foster care system, our son was 2 days old and our daughter was 3 days old. My son is drug exposed. My daughter is a “safe haven baby”, she was abandoned at a hospital by her mother who delivered her at home. (It happens here too. She was the 5th safe haven baby in our county.) I know some things about their birth family (especially my sons) and it isn’t pretty. There will come a day when my son will realize his mom did cocaine and other drugs while she was pregnant (he is doing great btw!). There will come a day when my daughter will learn she was delivered in to a toliet and then dropped off at an ER, without even a name. So was this the plan? I believe as hard as it is for me to say it, yes it was. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. My children will have to stuggle with it for themselves. I will cry with them and listen to them. I will never force them to believe anything.
We seem to be left with 2 choices. (This I mean for those of us who believe in a higher power) We either have a God who allows good and bad or we have a god who isn’t really in control of anything.
Tough stuff. I recently met an adoptee that I was able to ask very candid questions of. I asked if he stuggles with being adopted. He said no. He knew it was all in God’s hands and that was where he wanted to be. The very thing that may be difficult for one person may bring comfort to another.
February 17th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
waitingforjoessister:
Again, the point of this whole discussion is it’s not for you to decide. What’s “clear” to you might just be an odd coincidence to him. What will you do if he disagrees? What if he rejects these religious beliefs? The discussion here is about how all this makes the children feel. We need to step outside ourselves and think about them. Let’s face it, we can go to any given classroom these days and find people with the same name (first and middle). My name (first and middle together) is highly unusual, yet I met someone in grad school with the same name.
February 17th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Wow RQ, interesting point of view. We’ve got the phrase ‘Meant to be’ on our blog. I guess we have do some rethinking and maybe some serious editing.
I’m not sure what to feel right now. Thanks for this wonderful website!! It helps us and stimulates us to reflect on our behaviour.
Smiling Lady
February 17th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
It is sad that this girl has to feel this way. I can say though, that these things don’t only apply to adopted children but also a lot of biological children too.
February 17th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
waitingforjoessister -
I think my only suggestion would be the same suggestion I’ve given myself. For as strong as our beliefs are, we need to keep our minds open to the possibility that our children may need something different or, at least, in addition, to what we believe. I think it’s important to listen to them, to give them the opportunity to question our teachings and to feel comfortable sharing their own beliefs with us. It’s hard, but I think it’s really important. I give SoccerGirl a notebook that she can write anything she wants in, and then she shares it with me when she’s ready. She’s allowed to use swear words in it. She’s allowed to write hateful, hurtful feelings in it, if that’s what she’s feeling. And she doesn’t get in trouble. It’s been a really good start for us, and I highly recommend it.
February 17th, 2010 at 3:34 pm
SoccerMom:
That’s fantastic! An open mind is so important! The most important thing we can give our children is the right to their OWN thoughts and feelings. It seems obvious, but there are always some who aren’t willing to budge. When feelings are suppressed or ignored by parents, it’s a recipe for a lifetime in therapy, I can tell you that!
February 17th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Really Really I am not trying to be mean or snotty waitingforjoessister I am just having an adult conversation in a totally accepting calm tone.
These things are obvious and clear to you, they may be coincidence or not so obvious and clear to your son as he tries to understand life.
The point of RQ’s post is obvious to me, but may be very different for you.
This name thing might be SO obvious to you, that your son might be afraid of hurting or betraying your feelings should he broach the subject of his painful beginnings. He lost his BMom, that is a big deal that the coincidence of name may not erase. A grand plan, a mental connection? They may make you feel better, but perhaps not him. During the coming years of finding out who he is, that may not be enough and allowing him that, is going to be important. An environment of “how can you question something so obvious?” Is exactly what the original post spoke to. You are taking your feelings and assuming that your son will obviously feel the same way. I hope I made my point without offense.
February 17th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Meant to be… Just another one to say x’s will. It seems that APs and adopted kids aren’t grasping the concept of permitting will. Will doesn’t mean desire.
The plan is we are all going to muck stuff up down here but in the end there can be peace. May be peace.
This day to have this thread is a bit emotional as it is Ash Wednesday.
Kristine
February 17th, 2010 at 4:23 pm
I am trying not to make this about religion or about my belief but it is hard to chime in without adding a bit of what I believe. Being a “believer” I can honestly say that I will not tell my daughter we were meant to be together in the way you describe, but will let her know that we all have free will and a choice and “the almighty” knew the choices that would be made and I was given the honor of being her mother. Obviously, if I wouldn’t have made the choice to adopt, I would not be her mother and if her bio-parents would have made the choice to keep her I would not be her mother. It is all about choices. I do not believe “the almighty” destroys families but restores them.
February 17th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
It is a really good reminder to always think about what we think and say from an adoptee’s perspective.
Any further commentary would require me to state what I believe :)
February 17th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
RQ; Don’t you think it’s at all possible that your numbers are off? Someone who is happy with their a-parents might start a blog, but they aren’t going to make adoption the major component of their blog. Whereas, someone who was adopted, and is bitter about the entire process of being adopted MIGHT start a blog, for the very purpose of ONLY down talking adoption. Therefore, you will find a lot more blogs intended by adoptees to criticize adoption, and possibly no blogs intended by adoptees to talk about the benefits of adoption. So, I find it difficult to use that as a basis to decide by.
Alternately, I see nothing wrong with saying “we were meant to be a family” with the addition of all this coming in to play AFTER the child was abandoned, not as a birthmother being the vessel of our family.
Without getting “religious” here, the VERY REASON DH and I adopted our daughter was because he claims to have heard God telling him that there’s a little girl in China, if we would like to accept her in to our lives. We are not super religious, and he had not before, nor has he since discussed with me any Divine intervention into our lives with something so important as family. We were not looking to have any children between us prior to this….and, I might add, our daughter was exactly 1 month old on the day we discussed adoption, and was placed with the SWI at 4 days old.
When we tell our daughter that we were meant to be a family, it starts from her being with her A-yi, not with her birth parents. However, you make a good point, that children can interpret negativity in to a discussion about families meant to be together if it is not presented with respect to the life she could have had if the situation did not arise for us to adopt her, and that I will take to heart.
February 17th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
Parenting five children – I don’t always have time to do anything but parent… I don’t study a million books before I make every decision or read blog posts before acting… I go with my head, my heart, my instinct, and with help from those that I trust and know have proven knowledge/expertise in different fields (and knowledge of my family in grand detail) – doctor, social worker, teacher, religious leader, friends that are adult adoptees, etc etc.
I do tell all of my children that we were meant to be a family. We all came to be part of this family in different ways and at different times… but here we are… and we are meant to be a strong supportive family – acknowledging that not all that we have experienced is that of fairytale stories.
One “gift” that I was given by a friend that is an adult adoptee is a simple statement to share with my girls to open conversation about adoption and give them the opportunity to share and feel comfortable sharing their feelings – ALL of them.
It is very simple – just a few words that my friend said meant the world to her. Even more important was the fact that her mother seemed to know just when the conversation was needed and would simply say…
“It must be hard sometimes to be adopted….”
But that said… it really just isn’t easy being a teenager… no matter what the circumstances.
February 17th, 2010 at 6:15 pm
RQ…really good thought-topic today. I have read lots of adoptees’ blogs and have been very intimidated by their anger. As a result, I’ve tried really hard not to push beliefs onto my daughters but to listen to what they think and what they need. There are no rights or wrongs in beliefs and feelings. I converted to Buddhism at age 30 because it all made more sense to my world view and my husband followed a similar but, at the time, independent path. If my girls want to be Christian or Hindu or Urban Shaman, I’m fine with it as long as they can explain why and do not harm themselves or others with their beliefs. During my conversion, there were lots of people worried about it and denigrated me over it but when you are an adult and it feels right for you at the core of your being…no one else will talk you out of it…it is not a place of rational debate.
I believe as mere mortals, we cannot say why certain things happen. It is a tendency of our ego and human ways to try to explain the unexplainable to ourselves and others. Hence, “it was all meant to be.” I tell my daughters I frankly don’t know why. Just like I don’t know why I was born of 2 parents who should never have been allowed to get married and have 4 kids. I don’t know why that happened either and it caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. That was hard for me. And, being adopted by people from another country will be hard too. It is everyone’s personal responsibility to overcome the damage that childhood can inflict. That’s why we eventually become adults! Adoption is just one among a variety of major psychic wounds that each must heal in their own way to have a productive life. I really like simply saying…I know it must be hard to be adopted. The LISTEN!
February 17th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
“Obviously, if I wouldn’t have made the choice to adopt, I would not be her mother and if her bio-parents would have made the choice to keep her I would not be her mother. It is all about choices. I do not believe “the almighty” destroys families but restores them.”
It bothers me to think that some adoptive parents say it was “your biological families choice to give you up”. How do you know? We know a family whose daughter from China was 5 when adopted and she remembers being taken by her Mother’s boyfriend and left in the forest to presumably die. She had just given birth to a baby boy. The problem I have is that unless you explain the unimaginable choices, the statement is very self serving to the adoptive parent. Do you also explain that perhaps the birth mom was young and poor, living away from all family, becasue she left the country side to find work? Do you explain that she may have been the 3rd, 4th, 5th daughter and that the family could not afford the fine and still feed their other children. I am so bothered when people say they could never give up their child when they have not lived in the shoes of the first families of our children.
February 17th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
Oops…I mean THEN LISTEN. Listening is hard to even type let alone do!
February 17th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
momto4hopefully….There are some families that receive birth notes where they know this is the case. Try not to jump to too many conclusions….it can become tiring.
February 17th, 2010 at 6:28 pm
I, as a parent, must understand that the explanations my children come up with to give meaning to their lives may not be the ones I share/am able accept easily. I understand that what I do and what I say impacts them in many unexpected way. In turn, it is my job as a parent to be honest and objective with them, initiate unbiased discussions, and be willing to hear their answers without judgement.
Feel free to replace “I” with “we” as you see fit.
Thanks, RQ, this is an important topic.
February 17th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
If I were to only follow the advice of adult adoptees, perhaps I wouldn’t have adopted in the first place–since many of them are not advocates for IA. I do read what they post, and much of it has been useful. But to think that there is some adult adoptee consensus or worse, to think my parenting must follow what they say is bit extreme. Or even worse is to fall into the trap of thinking that if I do what they say, my child will never be angry with me. It is the nature of children to disagree at least temporarily what their parents did and said–you can’t escape that fact by deleting a few phrases from use.
Also, as much as people want to insist that it was this particular phrase that set them off, I have a feeling that many of the adult adoptees are simply turned off by their parents’ religious practices.
February 17th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Being a Christian you would like that I would be upset or disagree with this post but you know, I don’t disagree in the least and furthermore I think this is a wonderful topic. No one knows what is meant to be. I think telling a child that their adoption “is meant to be” is a cowardly way of glossing over all the pain and suffering that our children have suffered and could possibly continue to suffer. I don’t have any magic words or tricks to make my daughters understand why they are now part of our family. But I can listen, support them and cry with them and try to help them heal in their own way not mine. And I can love them just as if I gave birth to them.
February 17th, 2010 at 6:45 pm
true – we can’t ONLY follow the advice of adult adoptees.
but unlike past generations, we have the benefit of learning from adult adoptees who were adopted from vietnam and korea. it would be foolish of us to disregard what they have to say. some of it may not influence us in our parenting, and some of it may.
but we owe it to them and more importanly our children to listen and be open.
February 17th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
I also thing it depends on your religious beliefs to some extent. The term “meant to be” has always made me uncomfortable. As an adoptive parent and as a person who was adopted as a child.
My husband and I as believers in Buddhism often look at each other and say “what did we ever do to deserve this child” I don’t know what I did in my previos lives or what our daughter did in hers but we ended up together. I guess I would never use that particular term to describe our relationship. We just are.
February 17th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
First of all, I want to say that while I do value the stories and opinions of adult adoptees, I believe that the world they lived in growing up is a very different world that my children are being raised in. Many of them were raised in situations where they were the only adopted child in the neighborhood/town or perhaps even the only [insert ethnicity] person they knew. Furthermore, the prevailing attitude for many years was to hide the fact that the child was adopted or to not discuss it openly. I believe that this denial of fact hurt these children deeply (denying the story of their birth = denying part of what makes them who they are) and this has adversely affected many areas of their life. I believe that my children are growing up in a more open society where differences are celebrated much more easily than in times past, especially with children. We live in a very diverse area and people who don’t know me have no idea my children are adopted… they just assume my husband is Asian. They are not identified by the fact that they are adopted and it is my hope that this assimilation might have a more positive effect on the way they view their past as adults.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way… on to the next topic..
I have absolutely no problem saying that our adoptions were meant to be. I believe we are all a product of our combined experiences and decisions and for both my husband and I as well as our newly adopted child it is the case that the circumstances in our lives intersected in such a way that we came together. I firmly believe that it was meant to be that at the moment my children became available for adoption we were ready to bring another child into our family. I believe it was meant to be that we saw our son because a friend of ours from college worked at a small agency in Oklahoma that without her we would have never even known about. I believe it was meant to be that while I was ready to adopt a year before, my husband was not ready until the next March right after CCAA gave an agency permission to have a very special little girl’s file. This little girl had been disrupted and I have to believe that it was because she was waiting for us, just like we had waited an entire year for her. I believe that it was meant to be that our life experiences along the way led us down the path to adoption just as our child’s experiences led them down the path to not having a family and being in search of one. We had bad things happen on both sides along the journey that no one wanted to happen. But, it was our collective journeys themselves that brought us together as a family. To me, it is about the journey… 6 people in our family who each carry their own baggage for the trip but who travel the road together. I believe that it was always meant to be that our lives would intersect and we would carry on as a family.
February 17th, 2010 at 7:41 pm
ndirish,…I completely agree. I think you are the only one who got my point of view.
February 17th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Thank You RQ for a well written personal experience that has made all future (myself included) and present parents think about the words that we choose to use when discussing why our child was adopted and became a part of our family. Both situations are horrible, not being able to have our own child and a baby being given up, abandoned. I am going to have to really think about this long and hard. My husband and I don’t practice any particular religion, if we did, it would be Buddism. Being born and raised in the south, I have seen and experienced so many painful things that children have to go thru over words and religious beliefs. I just don’t want my child to have to experience anything even close.
February 17th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
This has been a very interesting and thought provoking thread. My Dd is 7, and likes to think that we were meant to be a family… these are not the words I use, but she seeks reassurance in the knowledge that we wanted her so very badly and are soooo happy to have her in our lives.
However, I know that her perspective and understading of her journey to our family may change as she gets older…. My Ds(bio) is in his teens now, and has had several health issues to contend with, and medical scares, since he was a baby. This has always been part of his story,as he’s grown older he’s become more aware about, and angry because of, the challenges that he (and not his older brother or friends) has to contend with. He has heard too many people tell him things like “God never gives you more than you can handle” and “this was meant to be to teach you a lesson” perhaps someday he might think this, but right now he absolutely refuses to think that any of what he’s had to experience could be a part of some sort of master plan. He gets hurt and offened by the suggestion that this might be so. And he generalizes this feeling to thinking about his sister, it makes to sense to him to think that a higher power meant for her to be abandoned, or him to get sick. So, at the moment it is my bio son, not my adopted daughter, who is upset with the “meant to be concept” (which neither one of them hears from their parents, but often from others). I can certainly see that in the future, as she better understands how and why we came to be together, my dd might have trouble with the “meant to be” concept, BUT if she chooses to define it this way then I’ll go with that.
On another note, a relative of mine is currently pregnant and in a very bad situation. She suffers from mental illness, and the father to be is unemployed, does not see or support his other children, and has been in jail for abusing a former girlfriend. So, this relative is thinking about adoption and is struggling with this painful decision (extra hard because the dad won’t consent, but is unfit so a court battle may enuse). Anyhow, she’s heard that some adoptive parents feel that God has somehow guided the whole process, and the thought deepluy offends her. She’s religious, but is very upset by the idea that God would choose for her to go through what she’s currently experiencing in order to make other people parents.
February 17th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
Oops, I should have said it makes NO it makes to sense to him to think that a higher power meant for her to be abandoned, or him to get sick…
February 17th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
RQ..thanks for this post. It is wrong to tell children that their adoption was “meant to be” as if divine intervention was in place. If you try to explain an adoption as a plan that God had, you also have to consider “free will” which is part of His plan as well. I absolutely refuse to believe God has a plan to take a biological child away from their parents. That decision is made by humanity.
February 17th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
I wasn’t “meant” to have two babies die inside of me just so I could fly half way around the world and bring home two little girls that I would later be unable to imagine life without. But it did give meaning to those other losses — theirs and mine. Today, we’re a pretty happy bunch of people and we’re feeling quite blessed to be a family.
Maybe that’s what people mean when they said “meant to be”.
Donna
February 17th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
That is what I am saying Donna T: your life circumstances brought you to adopt at the same time their life brought them to be adopted. Your paths crossed because of a set of circumstances and it fundamentally changed your futures but also how you viewed your journeys up to that point. Everything that has happened in both of your lives brought you together on that day in China.
This, to me, is what “meant to be” is all about.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Our SW asked a neat pair of questions, and I’m paraphrasing them now:
1) How will you feel on the day you first see you’re daughter?
[Time to answer]
2) What do you think she will be feeling?
The joy of adoptive parenting rests on a foundation of pain and loss. Adoption is not “second best” for us, but it is second best for our kids. The SW’s questions gently reminded us to look at this through our potential daughter’s eyes.
I try to remember this as the wait gets longer and longer. I can’t sort through the conflicting rumors to know what the real causes are, but I like to think that the main reason is fewer abandonments. If our planned adoption is delayed for years (or stopped altogether) because more little girls get to be raised by the people who created them, I can live with that. My life won’t be made better, but the little girl who would have been my daughter has a home. I really hope that’s the case.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:56 pm
Hi again!! This post has had me thinking all day!! I love to come across things that make me think about what I do and say!!! I may not agree or disagree entirely but anything that gets me thinking this much is a good thing!! It will make me think about how I phrasethings although as one poster mentioned, in the hussle and bustle of our very busy daily lives we often don’t critique everything that we say to our children. I want my children to be open and express their feelings without ever feeling I didn’t hear them, I have introduced them all to my faith and respect their decision about what they believe now. I would never want to say anything to my child that leads her to think that her Mom had to abandon her so that she could be with me. But I can’t help believing that so many things had to happen at such tiiong to get us together. Why??? Perhaps because we were “mean to be” together. I can think that but maybe I won’t say it so much to her!! Thank you RQ for giving me something to think about and to ponder. Its what makes us think and become better people and parents!!!
February 17th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
good evening
i have not read all of the posts – but get the point
i was adopted by my mother’s 2nd husband – my bio father was out of my life after a few short months
i met my bio father when i was 33 – it was extremely difficult
as a child i always thought that there was something very wrong with me – it was the only way to explain why he would terminate is parental rights
these thoughts created a lot of “insecurities” – some that i carry with me today
i was only adopted by one parent – & my adopted dad was/is fantastic – but adoption has had a profound affect on my life – good and bad
i would never want to be told that this was meant to be
this is what happened – & this created my life & who I am today
i wish that i was not adopted – i would have had a lot less pain as a child – but i love my adopted dad & had a great childhood – this is my life & this is how it played out – not what was meant to be
February 18th, 2010 at 12:28 am
JustWait;
Good to see that your SW is doing her job the way that they all should. From our own experience, our daughter was in shock on Gotcha Day. It was to the point that we almost assumed she had autism. But, by the second day, she came around a bit, and by the third day she was identifying with us as her caregivers. However, when I look back at the videos of those days, I see how methodical we were with her, how gentle and slow we were with her, and how much we let her take the lead in our relationships with her. It’s also good to note that grieving is normal for our children. They are, after all, losing EVERYTHING and everyone they know, in the blink of an eye…not once, but twice.
February 18th, 2010 at 10:32 am
I don’t post here often and since getting my referral at the beginning of Feb I don’t really lurk here anymore but just happened to see a link about this on another blog… I am not religious (each to their own)… nor do I make out to knowing it all… but being adopted myself and adopting… I do think that it was ‘meant to be’ – things in life happen for a reason and reasons we may NEVER understand but you always have to make good out of a bad situation, then learn and grow from it. My mother didn’t want to adopt me because I was so tiny I could fit into a shoebox but my father wouldn’t listen to her and took me home… I have always been told I was adopted, that I was meant to be with the family. What am I going to tell my daughter – of course as she grows I will be more honest and frank about things but in the beginning I and as simple as I can I will just tell her that her mum and dad in China couldn’t look after her so they gave her to some people to look after until we got there to get her and that she was wanted for the longest time. This is life, it is what it is… whether it is a plan of a higher power be it Buddhist, Christian, Islam, Hindu – whatever… the main thing is that these kids that are adopted Domestically/Internationally are made to feel they are truly loved, wanted, feel safe and have parents that are willing to teach them the ‘guidelines’ for a safe life… maybe I have gone off track here but hey… life goes on… have a sparkling day everyone :)
February 18th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
I think conversations like these are an example of the pendulum swing from 40 years ago when adoption was secret and shameful to more recently when it became all sunshine and roses, to now when it is celebrated yet understood as a wonderful blessing resulting from tragic loss.
I just hope our kids feel comfortable asking outloud the questions in their heads, and that we have the grace to handle them sufficiently. It’s hard to imagine that this young woman’s parents didn’t think the same, so I’m trying not to judge them too harshly.
February 18th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Wow, some of you just really don’t get the reason for this post at all. I’ve denied seven postings. I’ve let as many through as I could, though some of them are over the line. But seven postings went too far over the line. Way too far over the line. I agreed with three of the posts I denied, disagreed with four of the posts I denied. All were denied because they were preaching and/or proselytizing.
The funny thing is that one person started preaching at me, personally, telling me why I’m wrong, accusing me of wanting everything to be easy for my kids and basically saying if I wanted it to be easy for my kids then why did I adopt? All I can say is… huh? There were lots of bible verses, too. Truly bizarre, I wonder what the person read to feel the need to spout some of that at me, because I can’t see how it could have been my post that triggered that particular rant.
I have not given my opinion of whether I think things are “meant to be” or not. I simply said it’s not a good thing to say to our kids, and explained why that is. No one knows my religious or spiritual philosophy. There is no reason for that to come up on this blog, you don’t need to know what I believe in order for us to form a community of adoptive parents.
So, let me say again – this post is not here for you to tell us what you believe. I don’t care what you believe, if you’ve taken the time to consider it and think about it, and you’ve come to your own conclusions, then good for you, even if I don’t agree with your conclusions. If you believe God takes a personal interest in every bit of minutiae in our lives, or if you believe it’s all just based on free will and a happenstance. For the purposes of this discussion, it makes no difference to me. I don’t care of you’re Christian, Buddhist, or a Love Child. All I care about is that you stop and think of how children with trauma and loss in their past seem to mostly internalize the concept of their new family being “meant to be”.
Seriously people – some of the venom I’m getting from supposed Christians is just a bit much. I really want to keep the comments open, because there is some good discussion, but if people don’t get off of the religious stuff and concentrate more on the adoption aspect of this, then I’ll completely close the comments.
February 18th, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Sorry that you’re getting such hateful comments, RQ. Its a difficult, but important, discussion to have. I’m sure its hard for people not to take it personally when it touches on religion.
I thought this comment of yours really hit the nail on the head:
“All I care about is that you stop and think of how children with trauma and loss in their past seem to mostly internalize the concept of their new family being “meant to be”.”
And that idea really doesn’t begin and end with children. For many people who have suffered tragedy, reconciling that with a loving God (or whatever your belief system happens to be) is a struggle. I watched my aunt and uncle go through it when my cousin was killed at 18. All the platitudes about “God’s will” and understanding “His plan” and “she’s in a better place” were probably meant kindly, but honestly, were wholly unhelpful to a family battered by grief. As other posters have discussed their own losses, it seems clear that this is something that a lot of people have dealt with. It is easy, from a position of happiness, to trust in these things. When you come from a position of grief and loss, it is a struggle. A little understanding that this struggle isn’t a rejection of you personally, goes a long way.
February 18th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
I’m really good friends with an adult woman who was adopted from Korea when she was a few months old. We are both women of faith. I have taken on her perspective and intend to explain adoption to our children this way: Adoption shows God’s ability to take tragedy/bad circumstances and work them for good. On the one hand, you have the tragedy of the birth parents making the gut-wrenching decision to place the child in the care of someone else. Second, the child is losing his/her birth parents and birth culture. Third, many adoptive families, prior to beginning adoption, grieved the loss of a biological child they could not conceive or lost through miscarriage. There is brokenness all around. But even in the midst of so much hurt and pain, something beautiful can come out of it. It’s my belief that that is God’s plan. So was it “meant to be?” No. In a perfect world, every parent could raise her biological children. Is it an outcome that can bring healing for all involved? Possibly…we hope that our child finds healing in our arms. We also stay in touch with our child’s birthmother, at her request. And we pray that she finds peace and healing as well.
February 19th, 2010 at 1:45 am
I agree with RQ. And if a child is raised in a Christian home, the term “meant to be” can definitely be misinterpreted by them as meaning God meant (or orchestrated) the loss of their biological families. We all know that that’s not true. It is society, circumstances, bad choices, politics, the list goes on and on that orchestrate these things. All adoption is is God filling a need, answering prayer, turning bad into good. A child needs a family and a family wants and needs a child.
And with any loss, I think anger is natural and at some point manageable if addressed properly (which obviously it hasn’t been in the case of this young woman), and for believers part of the anger if not all of it is the ultimate question of: If God knew it was going to happen, why didn’t he stop it? And for that, I don’t have an answer.
February 19th, 2010 at 1:51 am
Yup, this is a sticky topic. And as a practising christian, it upsets me to see my fellow brothers and sisters in faith responding with bitterness and no respect.
I speak from a position of personal experience of international adoption going back 30 years or more. I have two sisters from Korea and a brother from Brazil plus some bio sibs. All of them are now considered older adoptees. my youngest sister is 28.
When we approached our adoption process, I spent a lot of time talking to my sisters about how they felt about being adopted and we found that we had friends come out of the blue would seek us out to tell us they were adopted and go through their experiences. I was asked by my government to speak to something that was similar to your senate committee hearings on our experiences with international adoption. There was a group there who spoke after me that was headed up by a woman who was the same age as one of my sisters (the older one). She had originally been adopted by a family in a rural area and had come out in the baby air lifts during the VIetnam War. This girl was not a happy girl. She had had a bad time with her new family, had had a bad time growing up in a tiny rural area and had had a bad time full stop. It was sad, it wasn’t her fault and she had spent years in therapy. She started a support group for other adoptees in the same position as she had been. She tore my statement apart and even shot me filthy looks as she spoke. I had never met her in my life but she was unhappy because I had spoken of the positive response to out adoption that had come from my sisters and my adopted friends.
Adoption is considered a negative thing, that can be directly tracked back to adoption practices leading up to the 1970s. I can’t speak for the US, but there has not been one academic study done on the positive aspects of adoption in this country (Australia). Not a single one. Research is important. BUt as long as social workers and social worker academics refuse to acknowledge how important adoption can be, then those who scream loudest about their adoption experiences (and they tend to be the folks who have had bad experiences), are the ones who get papers written on them.
I think I have read comments made by the adoptee who objected to being told she was part of God’s plan before (it sounded very familiar). In fact one of the big parent adoption support groups here ran two articles written by the same girl. She had had a bad experience with her adoption and had had a bad experience with her parent’s church and beliefs.
Research is important but it can be skewed, and it’s not always right. It all depends on the adoption experience of the individual being studied. There was a documentary on here a while ago about three older adoptees who went back to Vietnam to try and find out where they had come from. A man and two women. One of the women was unhappy about being adopted, she had a lot to say about how she was raised and how she resented the whole adoption experience. The other two were the complete opposite. They were positive people, with parents who supported them and embraced their birth cultures, and had dealt with their adoption experiences like my parents had.
Yes, adoption is traumatic. In all, its a mine field. Fantastic info has come to light since my sisters arrived from Korea a million years ago, its been so useful and really, folks need to read more and watch more and be more mindful of the needs of their little kids. The reason some older adoptees are so bitter and screwed up is directly contributed to how their adoption families dealt with the adoption itself. My girls are balanced and normal because my mum and dad valued their birth cultures, told the truth about the girls adoption experience and made adoption seem like the most normal thing in the world. They harbour no bitterness, no resentment, haven’t been in therapy, hadn’t needed therapy and have wonderful happy marriages. One of them has three gorgeous little boys (my little nephews – they rock!)
I will add that one of my sisters is a practising christian, the other an atheist. My christian sister talked at length about the day she went to school at 8 and she was followed home by group of boys chanting “You have no mom, you have no mom”. She went into my mom, sat on her knee and cried and cried because it had all started when the boys in question had said that our mom wasn’t her real mom, so where was the real mom? And it went down hill from there. My mom then said that it as really sad that my sister couldn’t be with her birth family (no one knows who they are), and especially her birth mom but as far she was concerned it said in Isaiah that God knows about us before we were born. So bad things were going to happen but my sister was always going to have a family.
That may not fly in the face of those who think faith is a fairy story and yes it is “religious stuff”, but for my sister who is an older adoptee, it had a huge impact on her throughout her life. She told me so five years ago. She also told me she didn’t need to talk to any one about her adoption experience because as far ash was concerned, Mom was her mom and she loved her.
My atheist sister told me the same, without mentioning faith, she said she was glad that mom was her mom and she loved her to bits and was greatful for the way that mom had shared some really difficult things with her.
We then had a bit of a laugh about my dad, he’s a bit complicated … : )
So there you go, from both sides of the coin and without nasties or venom. But from the mouths of the very people who represent where our Kids will be in about thirty years time if we all listen, read and respond truthfully.
Its too easy to devalue faith in the face of a sad person who has had a bad experience and been studied. An its always easy to hit out at something you are angry with, for whatever reason you have. But … it doesn’t matter wether as parents we are people of faith or not in the face of our kid’s deep feelings of loss. What matters is how honest we are, how compassionate we are and how we value WHERE our kids come from.
And with any luck, they won’t feel the need to tell the world and an academic, how they feel … about anything.
February 19th, 2010 at 3:09 am
I have to say, as the daughter of a southern baptist minister and also adopted as an infant I have never thought twice about the “meant to be” phrase. Thank you for bringing it up; it is something to ponder for sure.
But I want to also point out, from the point of view of an adopted child, that “meant to be” can also be a very comforting phrase. I guess my religious home was/is very open to discussion. Maybe part of this young woman’s anger is due to the fact that she felt she could not discuss this with her adoptive family. I think that would piss me off, too. Lots of times our negative feelings can take root and grow into something comepletely different than they began as, simply because we don’t address them as they arrise. Of course I can not say if this is true for this young woman but it was/is for me. So consider for your family what certain phrases mean to you and how you communicate them to your children, always leaving the door open to discussion and even “disagreeance.” Usually, if given the opportunity and space to voice their opinions and ask the tough questions, adopted children embrace and even relish in the fact that they are “chosen children.”
February 19th, 2010 at 4:41 am
RQ,
I’m sorry for the venomous mails you get. It makes me want to repeat my thanks to you for your website. You make us think and reflect, so we can be better parents to our children. Keep up the good work.
I urge readers to be respectful in their replies. RQ always is. And if a post makes you to angry to leave a descent reply, then please don’t reply at all.
Looking forward to more interesting en meaningful topics.
Smiling Lady and friend
February 19th, 2010 at 10:54 am
I totally get what you are saying and I agree. Sorry I heard you were getting hateful comment. I don’t feel the need to read them as they obviously don’t get what you were trying to say…and most likely never will. Stephe
February 21st, 2010 at 5:25 pm
Great discussion. This is a very, very good point, making it clear that, as parents, we need to be more thorough when making these statements to or aboutour children. It sounds like these parents took for granted that their daughter understood all of the dynamics of who they believe their God to be and that there was significant information left out before and/or after the “meant to be” statement. I am so glad this was brought up before our daughter was here, as I would never want to make the same mistake.
Religion (any) is complicated, and we cannot assume that just because we are at peace with our beliefs it will automatically transfer to our children. Of course, I could go on to explain how it might or might not be possible for God to allow bad things to happen, and so on and so forth, but it still does not help a child to understand a very complicated belief system. And now, this particular young woman is no longer open to receiving that information.
Perhaps a simple “We love you more than you know and are so happy you are a part of our family now. You deserve a happy ever after” would be something a child could understand and accept. All that other theological detail can wait for a more developed mind. This young woman is now in a place where it is difficult to embrace what her parents attempted to instill in her. It sounds as if she also, after having felt this way for so long, does not feel like she can completely trust her parents’ judgment. It might be a one-time mishap, but it’s a terrible shame. Personally, I’m going to take this example and seriously consider what I say to my children.