Are adoptive parents held to a higher standard?
Do you feel that the general public, whether consciously or subconsciously, holds adoptive parents to a higher standard?
I’ve never had anyone just come out and say it, but I’ve felt the undertones of it. I’ve also heard people on the forum here mention how, as a conspicuous family, when they have a misbehaving child in the store, or when they have to fuss at a child in the store, they feel that they are being judged differently by any spectators than they would if their children were not obviously adopted.
I don’t always feel that way, but I have felt the undertones on occasion.
So, two questions:
- Have you felt this at times? Is it an occasional feeling, or a frequent feeling?
- Why do you think that is?
February 19th, 2010 at 9:10 am
While I have not gotten to the point of receiving a referral yet- but I can tell you that the process leading up to it- has been quite different than having a bio child. No one said boo to me about our finances, where the baby would sleep, if I had insurance, would I send the child to college, examine our house for child proofing ( ridiculous since we have been child proofed for four years now with no baby!) Even my mother said to me- that she was worried that I could not take a year off after the adoption. No one said that to me when I had my three boys. I said my husband is at home during the days and he has always been Mr Mom. My mom said she did not know if that was really fair to go back after 6-12 weeks. Ummm- hello? The father is at home and I did the same thing for all three boys- went back to work! I think because you have chosen to give a child a family- rather than to procreate yourself- you are definitely held to higher standards. I think the case has been even harder with the competition for domestic and IA. Do I think it is fair, in some ways yes and some ways no. I think it would be better if they put bio parents through a similar process- needing to attend classes to care for a baby, a financial planning class, etc. It is amazing how some people do not have the slightest clue about parenting. As a teacher- I have seen this for over 17 years! I think the standards should be rigorous for adoption though. A child has already suffered a loss in their life and need a stable, safe and good family to belong to now. But… I would expect that from bio parents as well!
LID 5/06
February 19th, 2010 at 9:14 am
Interesting question……
No, I never have. Not even once.
February 19th, 2010 at 9:24 am
I’ve never noticed this from other people, but I definitely think I hold myself to a higher standard. I waited for my first child almost 3 years, I had to pass several interviews with a trained social worker, I was required to attend parent-training courses and read books about bonding… How is it that I can still get frustrated with my child, lose my patience, be a bad mom? Aren’t I supposed to be better than that… BECAUSE I’m an adoptive mom?
February 19th, 2010 at 9:33 am
My answer is YES! And I don’t even have my daughter home yet. lol But if all parents had to go thru all the hoops, paperwork, scrutiny we have to go thru in order to adopt well I believe there would be a lot less children running around! And in my opinion rightfully so!! :)
February 19th, 2010 at 9:44 am
As a bio and adoptive mom, I feel like I hold myself to a higher standard with my adopted daughter (which is why I read bolgs like this – thanks RQ- to keep informed on adotion issues even though our family is now complete) because I do feel so privileged to be raising her.
However, I feel like the rest of the people I meet and know hold me to a lower standard with my adopted dd versus my bio sons. It seems like everything my sons do well is seen as a reflection of their talent and effort, and their missteps etc reflect bad parenting. On the other hand, with dd, when she does well I get a lot of credit for being a kind and wonderful parent (“what a lucky girl!”) and any difficulties are seen an inherent to her, not a reflection on me (again, I hear “lucky girl” that she has wonderful parents to help her through life’s challenges).
February 19th, 2010 at 9:48 am
I’ll put a check in the “no” column. I honestly have not felt that way nor has anyone ever made me feel that way. Different story when it came to foster parenting though.
February 19th, 2010 at 9:58 am
I am not sure if I put the higher standard stuff on myself or if I feel it by the way people look at us. My daughter (2.5) cries loud and hard when when is unhappy and draws a lot of attention. We were in Trader Joes and she kept licking the cart. Every time I tried to get her to stop she cried LOUD. I felt like the whole store was looking at me. I ended up taking her out of the cart, taking her outside and having a firm discussion on her behavior. When we went back in the store, I still felt like everyone was staring at us. Sometimes I cannot decide if we draw so much attention because my child is adorable, not shy and will sing on the top of her lungs in the store or because we are a muliti cultural family. I think I feel judged because you cannot help but wonder what people are thinking when they are staring at you.
February 19th, 2010 at 10:01 am
I definitely am ‘harder on myself’ because my daughter is adopted in terms of my own parenting standards — as terrible as it sounds I occassionally think of how she could just as easily have ended up with another mom and dad and that they could have been better somehow….I even feel a bit guilty that Mia spends days at her “school” while I work fulltime b/c I know that other adoptive moms she might have been placed with would have been stay at home. On the other hand, I know in my heart she is loved beyond measure by us and her grandparents, cousins, friends etc. As far as other peoples expectations, yes, I do think even among other adoptive parents we (APs) are kind of expected to be uber-parents because we chose this situation so we’d “better be good at it and give it our all”.
February 19th, 2010 at 10:21 am
My answer to this is ABSOLUTELY!
Not necessarily the being judged by others, although I am sure that that scenerio will also come about at some time, but the idea that we will hold ourselves to a higher standard. (no kids yet…still waiting)
I agree with MaryAnn…..the hoops, the probing, the interviews, doing it all again when the first ones expire, then doing them a third damn time :)…with everything we have done, discussions we have had ourselves, with other PAPS, with the BTDT folks, the books we have read, the seminars we have attended…Damn right I am going to be a better mother than quite a few of my cousins who just found themselves “knocked up” and didn’t (and still don’t) know their arse from a hole in the ground. I cringe most times when I hear them speaking to their kids. If everybody who births a child had to go through just half of what we PAPS do, absolutely there would be many fewer children in the world. I am certainly not complaining about the hoops of the IA process. I fully agree with the whole thing. it weeds out the no-goodniks.
But, because I am a more educated, enlightened and more informed parent, that is what will make me hold myself to a higher standard.
Cindy
LID 5/30/06
February 19th, 2010 at 10:26 am
I am a bio mom and adoptive mom. I have seen no difference in the way people treat or react in terms of holding me to a higher standard with my bio children or adopted child. However, I think we are more obvious/visible as a family, so people are watching. But I believe any “higher standard” is self-imposed.
February 19th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Definitely. Because I worked so hard to have my children, and many people didn’t understand my adopting out of race, one with emotional issues, etc., I find myself having to almost “prove” that I made the right choice. The additional expectations aren’t placed on my children, but placed on me to be able to handle everything better. I find people to be much harder on me in terms of understanding when something goes wrong. When I’m having a bad day, the kids are being beasts, I haven’t gotten to shower, and I’m just stressed, I’ll get the response from people “Well, you wanted them.” Not from everyone, but from certain people.
February 19th, 2010 at 11:00 am
I don’t know. I think the general public holds parents of young kids to too high a standard in general. Sometimes they are going to cry!
I know I feel really self concious when I have to remove DS from a situation and he is mad (you know – crying, yelling “no”). I worry people will see he does not look like me and think I am not his parent. Never actually had anyone question though.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Interesting topic. I don’t know that I feel I’m held to a higher standard but that nonadoptive people (whether or not parents) feel there must be something “special” about us because we have adopted, whether that’s because we have more patience (HA, HA), are particularly noble people, support some cause, or are “do gooders”. I remember an older cousin who is a minister saying to me when he found out about our adoption plans how wonderful it was for us to “open our home” to a child from another country as though we were extraordinary people. We aren’t extraodinary; we just wanted kids and our hearts just led us to China.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
I have not really noticed this. When we first adopted I was very conscious of going out in public with a 1-year old, while I had only been a parent for a short time. I kept thinking, “They don’t know that I have no idea what I’m doing!”
But that faded and I’m fairly insensitive to what could be the judgment of others. I still fail to notice that there’s anything unusual about someone asking, “Is that your son?” and assume they want to know whether he’s mine or if I’m an uncle or something. It never occurs to me until later that that they might be asking whether I’m a bio or adoptive parent. So if people are judging my parenting skills, I haven’t noticed (see exception below).
I tend to make a conscious effort not to let the public setting affect my parenting. I remember one time when my toddler got a time out at the zoo. He was sitting on a low wall crying about it and my wife and I were less than ten feet away on a bench. We had to tell a few passers-by that he was with us and everything was fine. Only one such person–a man wearing a pot leaf t-shirt who was there with his own tween/teenage children–said anything that seemed judgmental, which my wife and I ignored.
I didn’t relate the judgment at the time to the fact that we’re adoptive parents, though I did recognize that the other passers-by’s concern was somewhat legitimate since we were not engaging our son during the time out and because he is of a different race. I think if I have sensed judgment in others at other times (and I don’t remember having done so) I would have just ignored it because the matter at hand is frankly more important than what some random stranger thinks.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I don’t feel other people hold me to a higher standard on my child’s behavior now, but during the process and after coming home for a while, even loving people asked questions about motives, decisions and actions that I doubt they would ever ask someone expecting a biological child. Certainly I felt judged by the home study process and held to standard above other parents. I understood the need, but I also know how the home study can become a game. For instance, while I was worried about all my outlet covers, an adoptive father I know and that used the same agency was hiding the fact he was going to leave his wife and children as soon as they got back from China with their second DD.
But I also learned and grew from the experience. I learned that “Why do you want a child?” could be answered simply and honestly. I used to be so angry and come up with lectures to people in my head about why did I have to answer that question when others could just have sex and make babies at will. Then I realized it was a good valid question. And a wise counselor pointed out that a baby should not have a long job description of emotional needs he or she would fulfill. So I learned to say “to build a family and to share love” that’s all.
So yes, I think I was held to a higher standard in the process, but maybe I am a better mother in the end for it.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
I think it’s self imposed. The only thing I seem to be doing is absolutely not complaining (not exactly “complaining”, but perhaps “sharing” would be a better word) about tantrums or nighttime crying or anything that may perceived in the tiniest bit negative about my child. And of course, it’s the same stuff I hear daily from bio parents.
I’ll discuss bad or challenging days with family and very close friends but never with acquaintances, co-workers, inquisitive strangers, etc. To most of the outside world, everything is going great… I mean REALLY great. And of course, it is going great… really great. I just don’t want to share the details of any parenting trials and tribulations because I think I’d get the “you wanted this” kind of response and I don’t want to provide any (and I mean any) fodder for that response.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
No I have never felt that way, and to be honest nobody has ever made me feel that way at all.
February 19th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Yes but I think its my fault. I mean I think I have show it not that I am really being required to.
February 19th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Although I am just an aunt, would like to comment: I think I hold some relatives to a higher standard but due to their experiences and education – not whether they have adopted or not. Also with so many interracial couples and divorce rates so high – blended families its very hard to know what families have adopted versus bio children. In fact I have a friend – blonde and blue eyed that her three bio children look asian – because there bio father is from china – and the children speak chinese because there paternal grandparents have provided childcare while both parents work. I have a neice who looks african american – because the father is the mother is not – nor am I, but the mom is the bio mom…..I think that there is always ignorance out there…. and some I am guilty of as well but for the most part i think when I am “judging” i tend to do so equally regardless if bio or adopted children.
February 19th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
I have felt that that I am under scrutiny because we are a conspicuous family, but it may be self imposed. Most of the time people give me compliments on my children and my interactions with them. I have noticed that African American men will tell my younger son who is African American, that he better behave for me which is interesting. My older son is Mexican, and if we run into someone who is Mexican they will not even make eye contact with us. I think there is a cultural aspect as well.
I have noticed one disturbing thing. Most all Mothers have their days when it is not all sunshine and rainbows. I noticed if I complain about being tired or having a hard day with my kids, my own family will say “Well, you wanted this. Are you sure you want to adopt again from China?” That is really painful for me and I feel it is unfair. My sister’s complain all of the time about their kids and when I do it they say that. That one really hurts.
February 19th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
I don’t think I am by others. Most people don’t even realize my kids are adopted (it has only come up twice- both times when I was with them without my husband, who is half Chinese).
But I do know that in the Special Ed world, they seem to have a different attitude when they discover your child is adopted. They are more understanding, more accommodating, more forgiving– as if to say that because you CHOSE to parent a child with special needs, you should be given some leeway. I certainly don’t think that’s fair to bio parents. And in our case, the child we have with special needs wasn’t the one from China, but the one we adopted domestically at birth– we had no inkling there would be learning disabilities and sensory issues. But it wouldn’t have mattered if we’d known in advance.
February 19th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
I don’t feel scrutinized by other people, but I often pull my hair out over the whole adoption process. I realize it’s necessary, but also find it unfair. When we got our fingerprints done at the local jail, I happened to go during visiting hours and had to wait for awhile. As I’m sitting there, I’m watching parents and their children visiting through the glass, sometimes the parents were visiting, but a few of the times, it was the children visiting. And I’m thinking to myself, “why am I the one getting fingerprinted just to have a child?”
As for holding myself to a higher standard…I guess I do that because I’m a perfectionist and often get frustrated. I keep myself involved with other moms so that I can keep it all in perspective (it helps to know that other kids do the same things, and other moms react the same way).
Lesson learned throughout this whole process…NO ONE is completely ready to be a parent, even if you think you are.
First daughter home 4/05
LID for second daughter 6/06
February 19th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
While the paperwork hoops seem overkill when you have to endure them, they are for the safety of the child, so that part may annoy me inwardly, but I don’t take it as being held to a higher standard, I take it as appropriate screening, just like you would do for a teacher or childcare provider.
I have felt both sides of the higher standard issue. I have had a policeman question me regarding my children’s adoptive status, where this would not have even come up if they looked like me. I have also had people give me more credit than due because of the happy nature of my children. Yes, we do provide a good home life for them, but who they are is part nature and part nuture. The miserable whinny child by nature will be that way regardless of home life, just as my particularly cheerful second daughter would likely be just as cheerful in any environment.
February 19th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
No.
I feel guilty for bringing my bio kids to this mad undeserving of children world, so I do my very best at parenting them.
With our adopted child (not yet home), I really do not have any guilt connected to her/his arrival to this world, which is a big weight off my shoulders.
I have done tons of reading I’m in every group I could think of and I’m very ready to do my best Because it was MY choice to become a parent by adoption, not hers/his to be an adopted child.
I owe my children doing my possible best for them.
February 19th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
I have not felt any unusual stares when I am parenting my 5 year old daughter. I feel as though I have a bit of experience raising kids since I have an 18 and 19 year old as well. I can honestly say I felt much more scrutinized when I was a young (20) mom with my first. It took a lot of experiences to help me feel confident raising her, and my 5 year old has benefited from all of those lessons.
I do feel that being a 40 year old mom is so different than being a 20 year old mom. I know more about life and care less about what other people have to say.
February 19th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
“How is it that I can still get frustrated with my child, lose my patience, be a bad mom? Aren’t I supposed to be better than that… BECAUSE I’m an adoptive mom?”
Exactly how I feel. I do also think others look at me and think the same thing if I dare to mention any difficulty I may be having.
February 19th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
I do feel like I have to use my sweetest kindest kindergarten voice with our daughter when she is acting up in public. She is typically very well behaved and I know how to divert her to get her through a tough spot. I do feel like I need to have, what my husband calls, my sugar sweet, ultra patient kindergarten teacher voice and demeanor when we are out in public. I don’t feel like that is because she is adopted but because I try hard to appropriately handle any poor behavior and especially want to do it well in public. I hate when I see parents not able to handle or don’t bother trying to handle their kids in public.
I would agree that everyone – pregnant or adopted should have to go through the background checks, medical records, finance records, homestudy visit, etc. The bottom line is that there would a whole lot less kids in the US because of it. And my guess, a few less problems when it comes to children who have hopeless parents. My husband is a teacher in a “challenging” school demographically. The stories he comes home with and the challenges that these children face are terribly sad. Some of these kids just don’t have a chance with the crap they have to live with at home.
February 19th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
Absolutely, yes! I have had my own Dad say that some people “were never meant to have children” and they circumvented the fates by adopting and messed up their adopted kids’ lives by doing it. He wasn’t talking about me so I had to remind him that he WAS indirectly talking about me and it hurt my feelings. So, we are not really SUPPOSED to have children because we could not birth them biologically. (I have no bio kids.) ICK.
Also, I lost a very good friendship because of the SNOTTY comment she gave me when I said I was so tired from my little girl waking up at night. She said, “WELLLL, Isn’t this what you WANTED?” Her voice was so mean spirited in tone. I was expecting support and that sure wasn’t what I got. She has no children so could not understand. That was the end for me….she can be really sharp tongued and judgmental. It made me wonder what she really thought about my adoption process as a choice for my life versus her life and her choices. No support, no friend.
February 19th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
As the parent to both a biological son and daughter adopted from China, I guess I’ve never felt any differently. Yes, we do get the “sweet smiles” that come with obviously parenting a child from another country, but as she’s growing up, I sometimes forget why they’re smiling. She’s mine just as her brother is. I’m the mom when she’s good and when she’s tired and “grumpy” for the world to see. What DID shock me a little yesterday was going to the dentist, discussing future orthodontics, and him asking me her ethnicity. That matters in measuring for fixing a crossbite. When I stated Chinese, he told me he would have guessed one Caucasion parent and one Asian due to her looks. Actually, we have been asked that several times in the past six years. Of course, as we all know, I have no clue, but my guess is 100% Chinese. She does have the double-lidded eyes and her hair is dark brown with a slight wave. I guess he made me step back and realize that not everyone even thinks adoption immediately when they see us. Sometimes, they just think “family” which makes me smile since that’s exactly what we are.
February 19th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Nah. I think that ALL parents feel this way when sense they are being judged for a kid being – well – like a kid. I have 2 bio kids and waiting for our daughter and I want to do a good job with each of them so I put a self imposed high standard on myself.
Also, doesn’t most mothers want to be just a little better than her own parents- improve on something from what they remember growing up to make life a little easier?
Plus I have read more parenting books and more gone to seminars to help prepare for our eventual adoption. So technically I should “know” better.
February 19th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
I think I feel similar to superxiaosmom and to bsinchina–people give me a lot of leeway because they know my kids don’t have my genes. However several people that I didn’t know well never knew that they were adopted, like some of the mamas in the gymnastics free play playgroup. They assumed that my husband was Chinese, and they’d never met him. Therefore, I don’t often encounter people treating me differently because my children are adopted.
The only thing that really gets to me is, once they learn that they are adopted, they will ask if I also have children of my own. hmmm…..
February 20th, 2010 at 12:13 am
I’m with GoldenGirl and Sarah123 on this one. I often beat myself up for not being a better mom when my girl deserves only the best and had so little choice in the matter. Maybe I’d feel that way with bio kid too, though I won’t ever know..but I do think some of it is tied to worrying about attachment issues, too, and being anxious about that. There seems to be so much we could do wrong!
Haven’t felt it from others *except* when we were first home. DD came home at 23 months and we were coping with a 2 year old who we didn’t understand (and vice versa). I think people assume your child has been with you since an infant and wonder why you can’t communicate at all with her, or seem to have no idea what you’re doing. That was awkward but we’re past it now as I think we look more “natural” as a family these days.
But in general, do I think people hold us to a higher standard? No. I think they think a lot of other stuff about us but not that.
February 20th, 2010 at 6:19 am
No, never, though as the first poster said, it was much easier and less invasive to become a biological parent than to become an adoptive parent.
February 20th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Nope, we have 3 adopted kids (6,4 and 1) and have never felt put up to a higher standard.
February 20th, 2010 at 8:56 am
There are some people out there who feel that we are raising “someone else’s kids”, and that we have a greater responsibility, since we chose to do this, since we took on this responsibility of raising another person’s child. I don’t remember which story it was, some story that CNN or Fox or MSNBC did in the time between us bringing GG and TT home, where the comments from the general public were a real eye opener for me because so many of the comments had that exact stance: That AP’s owed it to the bio parents to make sure the kids we were entrusted with were taken care of properly. I don’t completely agree with them, but I don’t completely disagree, either. It’s an oversimplification and there is more to it than that, a lot more to it than that. But, back to the discussion of whether we are held to a higher standard: Take the issue of spanking here in the U.S., for instance. The government doesn’t tell bio parents they can’t spank their kids, but most of our states tell adoptive parents and foster parents we can’t spank them. Right?
Several of you have mentioned not being able to complain when things are tough, I’ve heard similar statements from my own mom when I complained of a sleepless night back when GG was having her sleep issues. “You wanted this, you can’t complain now.” Uh, yeah, almost two years without sleeping more than an hour and a half or maybe two hours straight at a time? Yes, I can and will complain all I want. Doesn’t mean I don’t adore my daughter with every cell of my body, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it all again. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever tell you how I feel again, either. But I do have a right to be tired, and to explain why I’m tired.
But, like sshreed, I think one of the benefits of not being a 20 something mom is that I don’t really care all that much what other people think. My kids behave well in public 99 percent of the time, and on the 1 percent day when we are having issues, I spend my time worrying about how best to deal with the issues, not in what other people are thinking.
But, I do notice there are some people who look at the kids and at me, deciding about the relationship, and then their look changes. Sometimes it is more sympathetic, sometimes it is more judgmental.
There are some people out there who see a kid who doesn’t exactly match the parent they are with and assume adopted. One of the Asian mom’s at GG’s school who has a Caucasian husband says when her husband is out with the kids he gets lots of people assuming he adopted the kids, and how annoyed he gets about that since these are his bio kids and it’s none of anyone’s business anyway. But there are people who don’t jump to that conclusion as well, they see one parent and they realize the kids could be bio if the dad is Asian, or it’s possible they are adopted.
Anyway, back to my original question: Does the general public hold us to a higher standard. I think that at least part of the general public does hold us to a higher standard. I also think there are some who see us as “rescuers” and hold us to a lower standard.
I don’t hold myself to a higher or lower standard. These are my kids, and I’m doing the best I can. Period.
February 20th, 2010 at 9:37 am
I do think we are more conspicuous. Of course there is more scrutiny with the home study and post placement reports, etc. Aside from that I don’t feel held to a higher standard. Actually, I find the opposite. When I am trying to decide if there are any issues with behavior that is related to attachment or adoption, people (family, close friends, teachers) brush it off. They say that that is just common behavior for a child his age. Well I have nothing to compare to and have spent a lot of time learning about what my child may deal with because of his situation, and I don’t like my concern being dismissed. Yes, we try to balance it and understand the range of behaviors that are common at his age, but we will always have our eye out for things that are adoption related and may require some special treatment and attention. However, I am quite satisfied that our doctor tends to look for developmental issues and do the screening to eliminate concern rather than have a wait and see attitude which I like. I is other parents who dismiss the fact that there are real adoption related issues to be concerned about.
February 20th, 2010 at 12:59 pm
My daughter is deaf and we sign language, using sign language in public to talk, you naturally drawl attention to your self. We have been home 11 months and I have never to felt like I am being held to a hire standard. Have yet to have one rude comment, some times kids will stop and stare wile we make our way throw the store but I think that has more to do with the signing then adoption. Because it happen most often when we are talking.
Like other have said before we left for China with all the prep work with USCIS home studies and such yes.
We even have our last home study next month.
Maybe after we have been home longer and my daughter enters the school system then maybe I will feel like that a little of the time.
http://www.2china4norah.blogspot.com
February 20th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
I feel like I have to live up to the fact that DH and I made a choice to adopt/give birth within a very close period of time and made a “pitch” to our agency to allow this to happen. I’ve spoken a lot – on this site and IRL – against agencies and governments having one-size-fits-all rules about child spacing, adopting out of birth order, adopting two children at once, etc. I think that families should have a chance to be evaluated for what they CAN do, not have it assumed what they CAN’T do.
But – when I am having a bad day with the kids, I feel like someone is going to walk up to me at the mall and call me out: “Oh, yeah, right, you can handle three kids under three – NOT”. If I’m gonna talk the talk, I need to be able to walk the walk.
February 20th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
In terms of higher standards… if this translates to loss of privacy, intrusive comments and questions, and having to justify or explain my actions… then, yes, they are higher. I am still not sure why people feel like they can stare, interrupt, judge, comment and question my family-by-adoption, when they would never do it to a bio-family.
My business is NOT their business and I resent the fact that I have to be on my guard everytime I go out of the house, because my children do not look like me and my youngest has a visible special need, to what people will say or how they will act in front of my kids.
K.
February 20th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Of course adoptive parents are held to a higher standard. Anyone who has had a baby in the hospital can attest that they just let you walk out with the child. Maybe they make you watch a video in shaken baby syndrome, but a social worker will only be called if you set off serious alarm bells.
Some of this is legal. You have a legal right to take care of children you create yourself. The government can only take the kids away in exceptional circumstances. Adoption, by contrast, is a privilege that has to be earned. Of course, once the adoption is complete, you are legally treated the same, but society never quite forgets that it granted you the privilege of parenting.
This doesn’t excuse rudeness and inappropriate questions from people who should mind their own business. But I think it’s a reality.
February 20th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Are we held to a higher standard?
Oh, ABSOLUTELY!
Regardless of legalities, as stated above, we are absolutely held to higher standards by the general public, especially if the adoption is of a different race. Culture of origin comes in to play. Also, language of origin, even food of origin. Some of it is ok, but some of it becomes a bit much. Sometimes you just want to be a family, without regard to culture or language or food questions from others.
I think also, that, many people who have not adopted, look at aparents as “saints”, and as saints, they also expect us to be perfect parents, with much higher standards for OURSELVES than they would even expect of their own parenting skills.
I’ve raised step kids, a bio, and adopted. With step….it tends to be substandard expectations. Anything you do above and beyond just being a third parent, seems to be shocking to many people. And with bio, you get “standard expectations”, people don’t really care as long as you don’t abuse the child. And with adopted, it tends to be above standard expectations. Perhaps, in my experience, it’s notable because we live in a community that has a lot of Chinese Americans and a lot of African Americans, so perhaps they look at it from their own perspective of embracing their own cultures, and want to know what we will do to preserve that for our child, adopted to Caucasian parents.
February 20th, 2010 at 5:30 pm
RQ,
Just for clarification, I don’t hold myself to a higher standard because I’m raising “someone else’s child.” I don’t think of it as owing something to her first mother, but rather to HER. She lost so much in coming to us – her first mother, her culture, her country, her language, her foster mother, her best friend – everything she knew as a 23 month old child. After giving all that up, I’d better make sure she has the best possible parents. That’s where I come from on it – that I want it to be worth all the loss (and the pain she experienced from leaving it behind).
On a side note relating to an earlier post, thanks for the recommendation for “Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven”. I’m loving it!
February 20th, 2010 at 6:14 pm
Honestly, I’ve never noticed or really paid attention. I’ve certainly never felt that by anyone close to me or from family members. Never once from other parents at DD’s school. We’re a really tight bunch.
I’m really surprised about the “you signed up for this” comments. That’s just so mean. I remember a few “Well, this is what WE signed up for” from other moms from both bio and adoptive moms. Those comments were always followed by a group laughter of “mom bonding”, though. They were never meant to be implied that DD being adopted had anything to do with it.
We live in an extremely diverse area, though. Come to think of it, there is only one family on our block that is considered “traditional.” (Bio Mom, Bio Dad, and bio kids.) The rest of us created our families in different ways. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.
February 21st, 2010 at 11:59 pm
I’ve never really been made to feel in any particular circumstance that I was being held to a higher parenting standard because my daughter is obviously adopted. But I think that the possibility for this to happen is worth keeping in mind. Last year I was having a serious dispute with my parents because their dog bit my daughter. One of the points I brought up to try and make them realize the seriousness of this issue was the fact that my daughter, their granddaughter, is adopted, and if I had to bring her to the ER to be treated for a dog bite, it was entirely possible that child welfare authorities would take her away from us because her (adoptive) mother had knowingly taken her into an environment with a dangerous dog… is this really true? I don’t know, and hopefully we’ll never have to find out. But it did occur to me that it could happen, and I guess it occurred to me because I feel that I’m held to a higher standard as an adoptive parent. There have been a number of prominent news stories over the last few years of adoptive parents abusing their children. If the news media covered every incidence of child abuse involving bio parents and children, they’d have no space or air time left for other news… sad to say.
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:31 am
It really irks me to hear the line “Well, you WANTED this”
If the people making that remark are also parents, then didn’t they WANT their children?
We make a CHOICE to adopt, and it doesn’t make it that much different from their CHOICE to birth.
Most people who are parents choose to be. However we get to that point, but we have all chosen it.
Cindy
LID 5/30/06
February 24th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Hmm….no. I’ve never felt, while my kids were acting out, that I was held to a higher standard because of their adoption. I do feel a bit like people think, “Oh, that poor little orphan! His mama shouldn’t yell at him because of all he’s been through.” So…not held to a higher standard, but held to a different standard.
Mary
February 27th, 2010 at 1:03 am
I often feel like that……particularly because I am a single woman that adopted. Although I have mostly gotten the “how are you going to do this as a single woman” from my family – I have a whole dialogue in my head if a stranger/acquaintance questions my decision to do this alone.
In my heart, I know my daughter (adopted domestically as I wait for China) is in a better situation than if she were with her birth mother/family. But- I really donj’t feel like justifying this to everyone that comes along.