You Don’t Understand!
Last week, as we were trying to get ready one morning, GlitterGirl (now in the throes of Tweenhood) screamed at me “You don’t understand!!!!” and then ran to her room in tears. This because she wanted to wear last year’s shorts that are now too short for the dress code, and I told her she could not. After counting to ten in my head, I went to her room and sat on the floor, leaned back against the bookcase, and quietly said, “Scream at me again and you’ll lose your computer for a week. Talk to me, explain to me what I don’t understand. Help me understand.”
She did, and I didn’t treat her feelings as inconsequential. We found another outfit for that day, and this weekend we went in search of another pair of shorts that match perfectly with the shirt she wanted to wear. It actually is a special shirt (long story) and she wants to be able to wear it as a special shirt, not just with some jeans or jean shorts. I didn’t get it, now I do. And now she has a skort that matches the shirt. Problem solved. And now I understand.
I hope that I never shut her down so that she thinks there is no way I can understand something important. I’m white, so of course I can’t understand what it’s like to not be white. If she yelled “You Don’t Understand!” at me about how it feels to be Chinese, she’d be right. I don’t understand. I’ve tried to learn as much as I can, and I hope I can help her with anything that comes up… I can learn a good deal about it, but I can never actually understand.
But I don’t think she would ever yell at me about race. It’s easier to lose it over shorts, over the not-quite-as-important-stuff, than it is about the really big stuff. From what I understand, if kids truly think their parents are so far away from being able to understand that they will never be able to, then their parents will never have a single clue that they have issues around being non-white in a world of white people. Makes perfect sense to me, there is one issue in my life that my mother never had a clue about, and still doesn’t. She wouldn’t be capable of understanding, so I never made the attempt. It’s easy for me to understand that if GG thinks I’m not capable of understanding something then I’ll never know there is an issue at all. We’re back to the “things you don’t know, that you don’t know you don’t know” thing again.
GG and I have talked about race, and I feel comfortable that I know how she feels. I’ve found ways to bring it up that seem natural – waiting for something in our regular conversation that is a good lead in to it, or talking about it after seeing a TV show or movie that helps us to talk about it. For instance, after watching Save the Last Dance 
But, here’s the thing. If she were going to our local school, the one she’s zoned for, then I think she’d be dealing with being Chinese and she’d be dealing with being short. Her identity would be tied up in both things. Right now she’s cool with being of Asian heritage, it’s not a huge issue – it’s just part of who she is. I’m glad she’s in an environment where she’s only dealing with being short as an issue. Eventually she’ll deal with the race stuff more. Based on the ages that kids are supposed to go through various things, I know that the majority of her thoughts about race are yet to come. I hope I can keep the lines of communication open with her about it.
We do not sit around talking about being adopted, or talking about being of Asian heritage, very often. Seriously, most of our days are taken up with what to eat, getting homework done, talking about who did what at school, and what went on between GG and her boyfriend. They’ve “liked” each other for a little over two years now, this is actually serious stuff. When your kid asks for advice about when it’s okay to kiss, and how you’ll know if he’s wanting to french kiss or not… then you know you’ve kept those doors of communication open. Right? I hope so, anyway. She’s thinking of this stuff two years earlier than I did. But my mom didn’t have a clue about any of it. No way I could have talked to her about it. (GG and I also talked about teen pregnancy when we watched Save the Last Dance, BTW.)
Some people asked for ideas about how to open up communication with their kids about race. I think that most of our really good conversations have branched out after we watched a movie or TV show together. Or as she’s reading a book (mostly the classics) that have racial content in them and I want to talk to her about what she’s reading, help her get a handle on the ideas she’s reading in those classics that she’s (thankfully) not yet encountered in her own life.
There are lots of subjects that can be uncomfortable to talk about, but we have to do it anyway – drugs, smoking, drinking, kissing, peer pressure, how babies are made, teen pregnancy, STD’s, race, adoption. One of GG’s friends has an eating disorder (to the point of needing professional intervention) and now we’ve had to start talking about that, as well. For those of you with two and three year old children, some of this seems so very far away. It may be that for now you should just work to keep an open mind, and work to not shut communication down about anything. If you’ve got a two or three year old then right now the most difficult thing to talk about is probably adoption, but there are books that help with that (I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
As GG gets older there are more and more times I am reminded that I don’t always have the answers. Sometimes I have no idea what advice to give. But I’ve learned that if I listen, really listen with my heart, then I can usually come up with the questions to ask that help GlitterGirl find her own answers.
August 25th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Excellent post RQ. I can totally relate. I have a soon to be 17 year old where I have had important conversations covering thse issues as well ; including identity related to race (DH is chinese), teen age pregnancy etc. We started these conversations at a veru early age. Actually DD started the conversations…but I was there to have them with her. She started initiating these conversations at about 3 or so. And I am glad that we did have these conversations early because adolescence the second time round (as the parent) is HARD. And I have an easy going child. But nevertheless, its been a bumpy ride for me because I have had conversations with my child about topics that sometimes really freak me out. However, I have always tried NOT to show my daughter this. Because she needs me to be there when she shares things (like kissing boy friends, giving advice on SATS…you name it). Its so important NOT to over react, but to listen. I find my daughter actually hears what I say when I listen to her. It seems like such a simple thing…but its not always.
And so I agree with your approach and I agree with why you are bringing up these topics. I learned a lot from my eldest and the conversations we have. And as a mom, I feel more prepared to help my children approach their challenges and their successes. Great topic and thanks for sharing.
CTG
P.S Its funny, but when you mentioned Save the Last Dance; this was the movie that DD#1 and I have had similiar conversations as you have had with GG.
August 25th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
It’s also important to do what you seem to do, and not clump all of the “you don’t understand”s into one group. Doing that would be comparable to the child doing something bad, and saying to the child, “You’re bad” instead of “You’re making bad choices right now” or even, “You’re BEING bad right now”. It’s a very slight change of sentence, but a huge difference for the child, and how they see the world.
It’s important to know that the race differences will come up, but not everything in the child’s life is going to revolve around that. Sometimes the frustration is just going to be the child being tired, or angry, or a tween.
August 25th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Dear RQ.
I don’t visit this site every day anymore, or every minute like I did in April while waiting for my CA so I could travel to get my new son. But I just had to tell you that I changed my mind about which school I enrolled my daughter in for kindergarten after reading your posts on race and school. She is now in a school where she is not the brownest child in class. (she is from Southern China and quite dark) Very few Asians in this small town, but at least she will be immersed in diversity, not surrounded by all white classmates. I hope I do well by her. Thank you, RQ.
August 25th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
I’ve discovered, from talking to my cousins’ kids (that most of you have figured out I’m pretty close to), and now with GG, that most teens don’t think their parents understand very much about what is going on in their lives. I am trying very hard to make GG understand that I’ll only understand certain things if she explains them to me, and that takes communication. She’s responsible for communicating things to me if she wants me to understand. I’m responsible for listening to her. And good communication skills do not usually involve screaming at someone.
Sometimes when she thinks I don’t understand, I very much do understand, and the answer is still no. But, the process of communication helps her understand why the answer is no, and what will have to happen before it can be yes. And helps her see that I sympathize with her, and that I’m not saying “no” just to be mean.
Other times, I don’t understand, and likely wouldn’t without her explaining what the issue is. Like with the shorts. I sometimes joke and say my ESP powers aren’t working so good right now, you’re going to have to talk to me if you want me to figure it out.
Rarely do the things I “don’t understand” involve race or adoption. In fact, I’m not sure they ever have. Most of the time it’s some peer issue, or a fashion “emergency”. Basic tween/teen drama stuff. Sometimes I have to work very hard to not roll my eyes.
I am very close to having the “will this matter next week.. next month.. next year” talk with her, to try to help her discern how important something actually is. I’m not going to have it with her right after a particular drama though, because I don’t want her to think I’m having the conversation with her over a certain issue.
August 25th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
debwise – you are very welcome. Thanks for the note, I got beat up a lot for trying to help people understand, and that’s okay because I’ve got pretty tough skin.. but it’s still nice to know that some people listened.
August 25th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
how interesting – i’ve been running into “you just don’t understand!” a good bit lately with my 6-year-old. sometimes it’s because she can’t find the words to express what she’s feeling – and i’ve been trying to counsel her that if i don’t understand, it’s because she’s not taking the time to explain things to me well enough. i am trying to listen. this has led to her trying harder to explain things better, and i’ve been pleased with the outcome.
sometimes, though, she says it when she gets into trouble (mostly, lately, for very teen-like mouthing off, such as saying “yeah, right,” very sarcastically after a parent tries to explain something to her).
i am memorizing “Scream at me again and you’ll lose your computer for a week. Talk to me, explain to me what I don’t understand. Help me understand.” i will steal it and use it often.
August 25th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I do read the blog still and I just want to say I adore you. You have no idea how much your insight has helped me and my family. Truly, from the bottom of my heart I thank you.
August 25th, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Sparky – thank you. Seriously.
tearoses1 – the counting to ten in your head thing first is pretty important. Or at least it is for me. Sometimes I have to do it more than once. And being casual, walking into the room and sitting down first, not standing and towering over them, also seems to help. GG has lost privileges before when I’ve sat down saying something like that. She has definitely tested me to make sure I meant it. Mostly now she knows I mean it, but she still occasionally has to test it. I try very hard to remain calm “That’s one week without your computer, scream again and it will be two weeks.”
August 25th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
I find this hard for lots of folks…………… I find that alot of things are because we are not mind readers……. Things with husbands, sisters, kids etc………………………..
We work real hard around here at communication and expressing ourselves. Hardest thing lately is stepson, doesn’t want to talk but will repeatedly say we don’t understand.
Our problem is having his mom and therapist support us in our goal of We are not mind readers, tell us what you need, want or what we are not getting…………………
Well sorry for that tangent, Thank you for your grace and dignity when sharing.
August 25th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Beautifully stated, and so true. Communication is so important. Listen, Listen, Listen. And never be afraid to admit to things that you CAN’T fully understand like race, but always keep trying. I like the “esp” comment. I will file that one away.
August 26th, 2010 at 1:45 am
RQ, you will probably never know how many people agree with and admire you because it’s always easier to speak up when you disagree. I’m going to use this opportunity to tell you that I generally agree with you, and even when I don’t I respect you. A lot.
I remember the first challenging conversation I had with my eldest about race. She goes to a Mandarin public school where 90% of the children are of Asian descent, and, in kindergarten, she was so proud of belonging to – and looking like – her teachers and classmates that I thought she had a good understanding of racial differences. We had talked about it quite a bit. Then I was preparing for a solo trip to Disney with her and her baby sister and started going through the drill about what to do if we became separated – who to ask for help, and what to tell the people at the lost child centre. I coached her on my full name, and then asked her how she would describe me. “Brown hair and brown eyes”, she said. “That’s good”, I replied, “but you should probably also mention that Mommy is Caucasian, because people might not guess that from your description”. It eventually became apparent that she could not remember the word Caucasian, so I said, “Well, if you said “white” I think people would know what you mean”. She looked at me in disgust and said, “That’s dumb! You’re not white! You’re kind of a peachy color.” “Well, yes”, I said, “but that’s not a term that people would understand to mean that my ancestors came from Europe. They would understand white”. This went on at some length, but ultimately she refused to tell what she perceived to be a lie, and I had to accept “peachy colored”.
I later found out, however, that some negative things had been said about “white” people at school and, in hindsight, I think that was the real issue – although I had no inkling of that at the time. Clearly, though, sometimes you think you’ve had the conversation when in fact you haven’t even begun – it’s a long-term project to keep talking and trying to understand.
August 26th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Excellent topic, RQ!! We aren’t mind-readers and it’s okay to not understand. The important part of this is to take a moment to think without “reacting”, accept the miscommunication, and taking the next step to work through it.
We are really blessed to have great communication at our home. When ds was little it was usually me being the more patient parent to work through situations and more discourse for dh (he’s not as patient with little ones). As ds has gotten older, we’ve pretty much flip-flopped roles. Ds and I go through our moments but we each take a time-out for a bit and then work through it. I just hope that we always have good communication. I see my bestie going through some problems with her ds and it hurts to see that. Both of our boys hang out with a certain group and some drinking at a party is the latest issue. Ds wasn’t there and didn’t know about it. You can bet I took advantage of this situation to plant the seed in his head. This is definitely NOT something we wanted to discuss but necessary. I just hope that if my ds is in the situation my bestie’s ds was in that he will respond differently. Not a rosy topic but we will all get through it…maybe with a little more gray hair, though!!!
Nancy
LID 1/30/07
August 26th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
RQ, I think this is my favorite blog post ever of yours.
My DD is almost 3 so we have a while before the tough topics set in, but we are trying very hard to teach her to use her words, tell us what she is feeling, etc. She will often “shut down” when upset or angry, turn her back and refuse to speak or look us in the eye. It takes a lot of patience and persistence to get her to open up…we’re trying to establish the pattern now that she can express herself – and that we will listen. I do it with my thoughts on a decade from now when it will be even more critical.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s an adoption thing…feeling alone and that she’s on her own with her emotions. She came to us at 23 months from foster care. To be ripped away from your world so quickly must have felt very lonely – and she couldn’t communicate to anyone how she felt (as much as we could see the pain in her eyes – we really couldn’t talk to her about it). So did that set a pattern of keeping her painful thoughts to herself? I don’t know…maybe reading too much into it, maybe not…
Anyway, thanks for a great post. I’ve learned so much from you.