Counting to Ten
I’ve been doing a lot of that the past few days. I think it’s probably time for me to read Siblings Without Rivalry
Yesterday I heard the words, “Mommy! She smiled at me!”.
I didn’t count to ten first, I went into full on snark mode.
“Really? The nerve! We don’t smile at people in this house! Who dared crack a smile under this roof? There will be no more smiling. Understood?”
RK just raised an eyebrow at me, but wisely kept his mouth closed.
This is a case of having a physical book and wishing I had it in e-book form, it’s so much easier to read something on the fly when it’s loaded onto my netbook. I’ve gotten used to reading ebooks now and holding a physical book suddenly feels awkward. But, I’ll manage. I seem to need to re-read Siblings Without Rivalry at least once a year. It’s like taking a refresher course, but every time I read it I think I pick up on stuff that didn’t really sink in the other dozen or so times I’ve read it. But I also remember a lot that I should be doing that I’ve forgotten.
And I’ll say again that I do not agree with the parenting philosophy of the authors. I’m a bit of a disciplinarian, and the authors of Siblings Without Rivalry
August 28th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Eh, give yourself a break. It’s great that you’re taking a step back and thinking about resources to help cope with the mis-haps along the way. On the other hand, while I don’t know you personally, you’re probably a far cry from the jerk who called his daughter an “idiot” in our school yard. Sorry, but I laughed out loud when I read your snark remark. You’re okay, mama.
August 28th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
I liked the snarky response……………
But then thats me:)
Actually I have a 16yo and 4yo and the 16 yo is only with us part time. But all of sudden I getting the Hes looking at stuff.
I think I will be picking the book up. I thought with 12 yr difference I wouldn’t have to deal with that crud
August 28th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
Maybe on the re-read it is not so much that you didn’t get it the first time (or tenth), but that your focus has changed….your kids are in different developmental places.
I agree w/ldw4mlo; great snarky response!!!
-z
August 28th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
I am a disciplinarian, and I don’t read books to know what I need to do. I believe everyone, including children need to know that there are consequences for things they say and do that effect others around them. I am not perfect, don’t want to be, and don’t pretend to be. Being a parent doesn’t mean you have to always walk around with a smile on your face all the time, counting to ten and not yelling on the odd occasion. You are human.
I like your remark, it is not snarky in my books. That is how I handle things too. My kids are not the same sex, but they get along great.
I am kind of like my mother, she is funny and just doesn’t put up with crap. She always made us laugh about some of the stupid stuff we did.
August 29th, 2010 at 7:44 am
zeigsma – I think that’s exactly it, that as my kids get older there are things that catch my attention that just weren’t on my radar the last time I read it.
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2qts4me – back when I first read Siblings Without Rivalry I was 90% referee and 10% mom and seriously needed help with that. After I read the book I went to 90% mom and 10% referree. Consequences weren’t making them get along with each other, I needed help. Some of what is in the book is so simple – acknowledge their pain, “That must have hurt your feelings”. Sometimes saying that and giving a hug to the “injured” party is all that you need to do to, it makes the aggressor realize what they did wrong and either apologize or offer restitution (on their own) while giving the other some sympathy, and then that’s it, it’s behind everyone and the conflict stops. It was so simple, I honestly didn’t expect that to work when I first tried it, but it worked beautifully.
Trying to use discipline to make them be nice to each other did not work. It just made them resent each other. That’s not to say I never use consequences for things they do to each other, it’s just that it’s not usually the first thing I pull out of my toolbag.
Right now I think we’re dealing with some jealousy, there are some things that the kindergartners do at the beginning of the year to introduce them to the rest of the school, things that kind of make them the stars of the school for a little while. And I’ve discovered that GG has some jealousy about this, so she’s proud of her sister and jealous of the attention she’s getting at the same time. I’m pretty sure that’s the source of the current bit of conflict. And, again, no amount of discipline or consequences is going to solve the underlying issues creating the conflict. The tricks I’ve learned in the book help with the underlying issues, and that makes the conflict stop.
August 29th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I have never used discipline to make a child nice, that is not possible. However, if one of my children were not being nice then in our family we separate ourselves from them. We place them in their room, where they can be alone and think about things. We find out why they are not being nice first, sometimes it is just because they are are just plain and simple not being nice.
In my case, our children rarely fight, I am not sure if it is the fact that they are a boy and a girl. Maybe. We don’t have jealousy because they each have different things that are important to them that they other does not really care about.
I agree somewhat with what you are saying with regards to the book. If one of our children is being disrespectful towards us we have to work out whether it is because they are frustrated about something, angry, hurt etc. If it is because they didn’t get what they want then we use a different form of discipline. They are always sent to their rooms if they are cheeky. This is what they like the least and hate not being part of the family.
Our kids our homeschooled, so we really don’t have the school issues either, except not wanting to go to Chinese School on the odd occasion. We are a just go with the flow kind of family, I don’t worry about what the latest trend in childcare is all about. Regardless of what you do, your kids will turn out just fine. Thousands have over the years, and all were raised from one extreme to the other. My dh is the best, he just doesn’t sweat about anything and it shows in how happy our kids are.
August 29th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
I’m glad you mentioned you don’t agree with everything in the book because I felt the same way.
The biggest lesson I took away from the book was to let the children try to work out certain things. For example, when they both want to be blue for a certain game, they look to me to decide who should be blue and who should concede to be red. I encourage them to work it out and they are getting better at it.
It might be time for me to reread it also.