Wo Ai Ni Mommy – my thoughts
What an emotional documentary. On a personal note, those black and white cushions, the doctor at the medical exam, the White Swan, the views of the Pearl River…. they all brought back some memories of my own.
The initial meeting between Faith and her new mom, that was hard. Adoption can be a beautiful thing, but it’s hard, at first. Even with an infant, it was hard. With a two year old it was excruciatingly difficult. With an eight year old? Wow. And remember, we (the viewers) had the benefit of knowing what was being said to Faith during that initial meeting, but Donna did not know what was being said in Cantonese.
The mom changing her hair color from the pictures to the meeting, that appears to have been a pretty big mistake. Faith had an idea of what her new mom would look like, based on the pictures, and then she showed up looking different. It would have been difficult no matter what, but showing up with a different look certainly didn’t help that initial meeting any.
But, it’s easy to watch and say you’d have done something different. I’d have brought food with me to the initial meeting – M&M’s for an eight year old, perhaps, since they travel pretty well. It was Cheerios for my babies, but I don’t think they’d work quite the same for an older child. Some kind of ice breaker, a token of goodwill of some sort, I think that would have helped. It was painful to watch, I can’t imagine how Faith felt.
I died laughing at the foster mom thinking Faith would be cold without all of those layers on. I was very glad that the two families got to spend time together, and that Faith was allowed to get some closure with them before leaving China. Did you note that the foster mom commented at how much weight Faith had lost since leaving the family and going back to the orphanage? And that the orphanage took the photos of her foster family away? I know that the authorities think it’s good to remove the child from the foster family for a while before they join their new family, but I really wish they would learn a little bit about attachment, and try to understand how damaging that practice is in the long run. Not to mention the fact that the kids don’t get the nutrition they need in the cash strapped orphanages.
I loved the flashcards with the phonetics on the back, and I saw Faith looking at the phonetics for help. I can relate, as I need to see Chinese words written before I can pronounce them right, just hearing them isn’t enough for me. And I thought it was great that they started with food words – eight year olds are big on food. I wanted there to be some positive reinforcement with them though – a promise for a walk in the park if she tried hard, and perhaps a special treat if she got a certain number of them right. Some kind of incentive. I totally understood the need to help her learn to communicate so fast, she wasn’t going to feel like she was a part of her new family until she could communicate with them, and for attachment purposes she needed to feel she was a part of them as quickly as possible. I got that. Didn’t make it any easier to watch her trying to learn, but I understood the need to get her to learn as quickly as she was capable of learning.
In our case, RK and I learned a whole lot of Chinese on our own. I would love to see families adopting older children have a vocabulary of at least 150 or so words – hungry, thirsty, scared, sleepy, safe, hurt, blanket, shoes, shirt, pants, water, milk, like, cold, hot, wash, brush, hair, teeth, want, need, understand, allowed, etc. I’m not talking fluency here, no need for grammar and measure words… once the child learned that her new parents couldn’t understand sentences but could understand a few words at a time, broken apart and spoken slowly, they would do it if it meant they could be understood. And then the family could repeat the Chinese word back and give the English equivalent, a nice way to help the child begin learning their new language. Most families do not have a translator following them around with a camera. And, it just seems to me that the child might be more willing to learn English if they see you making an attempt to meet them in the middle, with you learning some of their language.
I also understand that the filmmaker’s goal was in showing how an internationally adopted older child would integrate the language and culture, and not in showing the attachment stuff, so I believe we are only shown the language and culture parts of what happened. I have to believe there were attachment activities going on as well, and that we just weren’t shown those things. I doubt they did flash cards all day, that’s just the part we were shown since language acquisition was one of the main points of the documentary. I’m sure there was playing and cuddles and fun with food as well.
And then, once they were home. Wow. Having a child in the house who can’t communicate with the rest of the family… trying to referee when everyone can’t understand each other… I wouldn’t know where to start with some of it. It’s hard enough when everyone speaks the same language and knows each other really well.
Faith definitely tested boundaries and tried to see what she could get away with. Finding the balance between pushing her and supporting her, no one could be perfect with that. The books in the parking lot, that was hard to watch. I don’t know whether Faith could hold the books or not. I saw her holding other things with no apparent problems – was that her testing to see what she could get away with? I don’t know. I also do not know exactly how I would deal with an eight year old child who stood in the parking lot and refused to move, and then tried to blackmail me into carrying her books if I wanted her to move. Some of the things Faith was doing were the things we deal with when our kids are two or three years old – having to go through all of that with an 8 year old is probably normal when adopting an older child, they don’t know where their boundaries are until they bounce up against them to test them out… but it would still be frustrating. How do you foster attachment and enforce rules for a child who is actively testing those rules and probably taking advantage of the fact that her new family is trying to be nice to help her feel welcome?
Yes, I know, we’re the parents and we’re supposed to hold it together. Our children didn’t ask to be taken to another country with people who look different and speak another language. We brought them here and it’s our job to help them learn to live here… but there were times I had to step back and let RK handle things while I regrouped and found my own sanity again – and that was with an infant the first time and with a two year old the second time. Sometimes counting to ten isn’t enough to give you the perspective you need to handle something calmly.
On a lighter note, how many times have TT and I had the markers vs crayons discussion? Some things are universal, I guess.
At three to six months plus being home, I would have probably doled out more consequences for some of the attitude that was expressed. The consequence would not have been being sent to her room, though. And, again, we are seeing such a small window of time – who is to say whether she acted worse or better when the camera was there?
I was very glad to see that the parents were dealing with the race issues that came up, and that when they realized they needed help, they reached out to get it. I was also pleased that the filmmaker included the part where the counselor tried to explain the difference in race and culture — I see so many people who don’t get that. Even when I tried to bring up race a few weeks ago so many of the commenters veered off to talking about culture. Both are important, but don’t make the mistake of confusing the two. Faith’s parents realize they need role models for their daughters. They also realized that watching movies about China and going to FCC events isn’t going to give their girls what they need in order to deal with being Chinese in America. Realizing there is a problem is the first step to fixing it. There aren’t easy fixes, at least none that I’ve found. But they live in a community where there are resources, and they are reaching out to try to help their girls. Kudos.
Based on the filmmaker’s interview that I showed the other day (third video down), I got the feeling that she’s still working through her own feelings about being of Chinese heritage and living in America. Or, perhaps it just took her a while to do that, and creating this documentary was one of the ways she has of expressing her own journey towards being comfortable in her skin. She wasn’t adopted, but she didn’t grow up in a diverse area, and that appears to have caused some issues for her.
I believe that Faith will go through periods in her life where she feels more American, and periods in her life where she feels more Chinese. I hope she one day finds a balance, and that she can own all of who she is. I have the same hope for my girls.
Does anyone know if Faith’s foster sister was adopted?
GlitterGirl and I will watch Wo Ai Ni Mommy together this weekend, and then we’ll talk about it. I’m not sure it’s something TT is ready for yet.
September 1st, 2010 at 9:47 pm
I laughed out loud when Faith asked the translator if she could keep a secret. She was really trying to work out how to have a private conversation with her foster sister. She is obviously a bright little girl.
September 1st, 2010 at 10:36 pm
Somebody posted on the forum earlier today that the foster sister’s family is from America and they are in China RIGHT NOW getting her! The families are planning on getting them together once she is home. Isn’t that exciting?!?!
September 1st, 2010 at 11:41 pm
I just finished watching the film. I found watching much of it was very painful. Faith’s adoptive mother lacked warmth and empathy through much of the film. If she was that disrespectful and annoyed with Faith while the camera was running, I can’t imagine what things were like when it wasn’t. The scene in the driveway with the books was unconscionable even if Faith could have held them. She’d only been home about a week, had a hand deformity and was looking for some assistance from the person who signed up to be her attachment figure and her safe base. It was cruel and almost abusive of her mother to walk away while making sarcastic comments (it was the mother’s needs over Faith’s) Faith didn’t ask to be adopted by this family; it seems her mother could have showed a lot more empathy and thoughtfulness. Also the scene were Faith is affectionately leaning up against her mother’s shoulder while they are practicing with the vocabulary cards and her mother pushes her away with her shoulder and continues to press hard for her to continue when Faith is tired and just wants to play (could have been a great time to take a break and cuddle)..that was dreadful. I can’t imagine wanting to build a bond with a mom who treated me like that.
I found the film very disappointing. It was limited in scope with a rather abrupt, random ending. It was sad to watch and often made me cringe. Faith’s new mother, like many, describe adoption as a win-win situation and I’m not certain that this was true for Faith. It was a good reminder about how not to treat an adopted child and how important kindness, empathy, understanding, patience, unconditional love, encouragement, and attachment activities are. If this was the only thing I had ever seen about international adoption, I would be horrified by the idea. It’s making me rethink some things as it is.
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:06 am
I posted this earlier today in RQ’s original announcement that this documentary was airing since she’d not made this post yet, but it’s better here so I’ll copy and paste.
First, though, I’d like to add that during the Q&A after the premierre, Donna said that the reason her family decided to allow their lives to be filmed was that she hoped that if it helped other families and children, it was worth it. She had a deal that if, at any time, the filming was detrimental to Faith at all, it would stop.
Here’s my original comment:
I was fortunate enough to have attended the premier of this program at the Asian Film Festival several months ago here in San Francisco. Afterward, there was a Q&A session with the mom and Stephanie, which was wonderful.
As I watched the film, I, too, tought the mom was being too forceful about teaching Faith English, but when this came up during the Q&A session, the mom said that she felt like she had to help Faith with English as much as possible so she would have something, anything, at all, that would be a little familiar in the U.S. Until I heard this, I kept thinking to myself, “How can the child memorize the word bagel when she doesn’t have a clue what it is?” and, “Come on already, play with the child!”
The other big deal that came up had to do with the book scene in the parking lot. Faith said that she couldn’t carry her books because of her hand disability, but this wasn’t true. Faith was perfectly capable of carrying her books, but was very put out about having to face homework, so she made a stink about it.
The scene in the hotel where Faith can’t understand why a white woman would want a Chinese daughter really struck me because I don’t think anything could have been said to help Faith understand it. As with most orphaned kids, I think they build a fantasy up of what having a mom would be like and having this American woman show up and suddenly claim to be Faith’s mom must have been a shock on several levels.
My heart was really wrenched when Faith was crying at home for China and really sobbing and grieving. It’s easy for me to imagine what I would have done, how I would have handled it, but I truly have to remember that I’m not Faith’s mom and I really don’t know her and Faith’s mom does love her and did what she thought best based on what she knows of Faith’s personality and her own.
September 2nd, 2010 at 4:25 am
I write from Spain. I follow this blog since I adopted in 2006. There is no possibility to wacht this documentary from Spain since it seems to be blocked. Does anybody know another way/link to watch it. Thanks
September 2nd, 2010 at 9:04 am
Faith’s adoptive family obviously loves her very much. The film showed many expressions of their love for her. I would be very hesitant to be critical of her mother given the situation that they were in. It looked like a wonderful family to me.
September 2nd, 2010 at 9:13 am
My husband I watched the documentary last. Cried, cried, cried. Afterwards, he was so exhausted that he went immediately to sleep. What am emotional experience, and a good reminder for us who have been home for 7 months with an 18 mnth old who is still having trouble sleeping at night. These precious little girls have been through so much and still have a journey ahead of them (as do their parents and siblings). I loved the film, seeing all the sites of Guangzhou, reliving it again.
September 2nd, 2010 at 9:27 am
GuanYin – try this
http://www.pbs.org/pov/woainimommy/full.php
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Thank you for a thoughtful post. Actually, I brought lots of snacks. Her favorite was the mini chocolate chip cookies. This is why it pains me that people didn’t see more of the story. I did think of all of these things and we did go out to the park. I addressed many of the issues that seem to bother people the most in the general discussion group of this site. I did feel empathy and showed it often, again I DID NOT HAVE EDITING RIGHTS. On a brighter note, Guangzhou Mei Mei will be back in the US next week and I hope to get the girls together as quickly as possible! Thank you for noticing about her ABILITY to hold her books. She was in the midst of a tantrum when that scene was filmed. I freely admit though, I did not take into account that her fingers were cold which made it more difficult, but she was still able to hold them. Additionally, she knew that if she asked me to help her, I would have. She demanded it, and melted down when I didn’t respond to her demands. And for those who will say “how could she ask? Believe me, we were able to communicate our needs to each other 85% of the time.
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:58 pm
I can only imagine how hard it was to communicate when Stephanie wasn’t there to translate. I also found it terribly sad when Faith could no longer communicate with her foster family without an interpretor. It was hysterical when the translator told Faith that maybe shecould communicate more with Guangzhou Mei Mei when she was on holiday (meaning summer vacation) and she wanted her to explain to Guangzhou Mei Mei that she was Jewish and didn’t celebrate Christmas.
September 2nd, 2010 at 1:13 pm
I appreciate this post RQ and also I appreciate the willingness of all involve to share this story. I am following Donna’s comment and I had wanted to say how unfair it is to go by what is edited together for a 70 film; thank you Donna for putting yourself continually out there and addressing questions. What isn’t discussed (isn’t part of the intention of the film) is how attachment is a two way street. As parents, we rightfully put our needs after our child’s, keeping our fear and uncertainty at bay and I know I was less than graceful in those early days/weeks/months of transition and adjustment. Not that what I experienced was anything like my child’s, but everyone is strained and reactive at times.
What I hope doesn’t get lost in all the discussion of parenting styles is the power of presenting this story from Faith’s point of view. We are seeing her experience and I admire her family for the strength it must have taken to support this project. Most of all, I am grateful to Faith for her willingness to trust the world with her story; as a mother I cannot imagine a greater gift than supporting my child to find her voice, speak her truth and raise questions in the hopes of finding answers or solutions.
I do wish the segment with the counselor regarding race versus culture could have included a bit more … but then as you point out RQ, there aren’t any quick fixes. Still, I know my family and friends don’t fully “get” it and here was an opportunity to explain the difference in greater depth.
Most of all, this film has solidified my intention to support my daughter in exploring and describing her experience when she feels ready. What a beautiful thought that one day Faith may pick up a camera and add another chapter. What a great role model that would be!
September 2nd, 2010 at 1:15 pm
I felt many of the same ways as you did about the movie. I enjoyed watching it but it was hard at times. It brings a bit of light on adopting a little older child. We will probably be in China in January or February to adopt our little girl who will be 3 when we get her.
RQ, what did you use to learn Mandrine? We ordered the Rosetta Stone levels 1-3 and I am on lesson 3 of the first level. I am surprised with how fast I am picking the language up but I really want to be able to communicate with our daughter. She will be 3 and will be fluent in Mandrine, therefore we owe it to her to have some language under our belt to communicate with her. Also, I think it will make her transition a lot easier.
Christy
September 2nd, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I applaud everyone involved in the making of Wo Ai Ni Mommy – I think we all need to remember that it was what an hour or two edited down and not focusing on all aspects of older child adoption. Donna Sadowsky and her family were very brave in letting cameras follow them during this intense and emotional journey. Stephanie Wang-Breal, the producer captured it all brilliantly. I for one took some amazing insights away from this film. They and the producer have my thanks.
We are in process to adopt a 7 yr old too, also IA, also currently with a foster family. So I wept a lot. My focus was on Faith, her pain, loss, struggles, challenges met and overcome and the process itself of language loss and acquisition…I came away struck by what we ask of these children making such a huge transition.
I know in spite of all my preparation, there is much more I can do now that I’ve seen this documentary. How much harder I will work on learning Chinese, working through language communication issues, anticipating needed reassurances/issues, alleviating to the extent I can the pain of the transition, welcoming contact with the foster family, building the bridge of family, dealing with race and culture issues, all in addition to the importance of bonding and attachment.
Again, I want to thank the producer Stephanie Wang-Breal for bringing me these insights and the Sadowsky family for letting us in. Thank you most of all to Faith for sharing your story with us. Because of you, there is a little girl waiting overseas whose journey made be made a bit easier thanks to you.
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Wow willowflower – harsh. I’m not sure you and I even saw the same film.
GuanYin – not sure what to do about not being able to see it from where you are. It’s a copywrite thing probably, where PBS is only licensed to show it in the U.S.
Donna – Like I said, it’s easy to Monday morning quarterback, not so easy to figure it out as you go along. I remember how hard it was to find the balance between fostering attachment in a two year old, and in figuring out when I had to put my foot down about things. It wasn’t an easy line to balance on, and I’m sure it was that much harder with an eight year old. Kids need stable boundaries and you don’t do them any favors by not enforcing those boundaries.. you also don’t do them any favors by allowing them to pitch a fit or be manipulative to get their way. I get that too, and I remember holding TT for the fit while standing firm that she still couldn’t have what she wanted, which of course made the fit that much worse. It’s so hard to be both nurturer and disciplinarian sometimes, but we owe it to our kids to figure out how to be both. I saw you trying to be both, but then perhaps that’s because I’ve dealt with a child who tried to be manipulative to get her way, so I recognized what was going on? I tend to be really big on positive reinforcements for positive behavior, I think that’s probably the biggest difference in the way I’d have handled some things and the way you handled them. And that’s just different parenting styles, not a right way and a wrong way. I am happy that Guangzhou MeiMei is being adopted. Is it too personal to ask if she’ll be close enough to ya’ll that you’ll be able to set up visits so the girls can see each other? If it is then don’t answer. Totally understand. My girls have their privacy because I’m only known as RQ, so I understand if you want to keep some stuff private.
kcbock – we took night classes at the local college, then later found a weekend class that offered classes for adults. I can speak fairly fluently in certain circumstances (ordering food, shopping, etc), and can usually even be understood, but I have a really hard time understanding. I have to ask people to talk very s l o w l y for me in order to understand. My vocabulary isn’t enough to handle casual conversations on the streets very well, it’s really just big enough for the very basics of getting around in China – asking directions, ordering food, bargaining with vendors, asking if there is a bigger size or another color, that sort of thing. Oh, and I learned a whole lot of comforting words, and things I’d need with a baby and a toddler, so I’m pretty good with kids, too. My biggest problem is that because one of my teachers was so nitpicky about tones, what I can say, I can say very good, so most people in China that I try to talk to get the idea I can understand a whole lot better than I actually can.
Thanks again to Donna for stopping by. I’ll try to peek in on the forum tonight from home.
September 2nd, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Adopting older is a very difficult decision to make. For us, it was like working our way to that big decision. We first adopted NSN at 12 months, then SN a year later with a 15 month old. Then we knew we did not want to adopt younger and older children always pulled at my heart. After much thought and soul searching, we took that leap of faith. We’ve been home with a 7 year old for 7 months and absolutely love this wonderful experience. There are so many good things about adopting older that I never expected. Maybe we are the exception and we got that exceptional child, but I’d do it all again if we ever decided to add to our family. You can read about my (I traveled alone this time) travels to adopt older on our blog. The button for 2010 travel is at the bottom of the blog.
http://www.somewhereinvirginia.blogspot.com
September 2nd, 2010 at 3:11 pm
I applaud Donna and family for having the guts to put her life out there. We recently adopted an 8month old baby and thought maybe we should start the process again since the wait time is so long. We also have a bio son 3yrs old so we thought maybe the 2nd adopted child should be closer to his age. The social worker that I spoke to was very much againist adopting out of birth order. Her reasons were pretty rational-if the new and older child were to act out the younger child is certain to be on the receiving end whether physical or emotional. What do you guys think about adopting out of birth order?
September 2nd, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Sorry so harsh….but my husband and I took it the same way and those were our feelings fresh after watching it. I understand that it was an emotional film and it sort of “hit” us in a certain way. I also understand we got one small glimpse of things with the way things were edited…and scenes didn’t include the full context of what was might really have been going on. I’m sure there is so much more we didn’t see that would have put things in a different light…but I’m commenting on what I saw (because that is what we were discussing)…and I think we will all see it differently. It takes a lot of different personalities, temperaments and opinions to make the world go round and that’s okay, but the “harder parts” of this film are what really struck me. I’m sure we all get frustrated with our kids and I know full well that I am far from the perfect parent, but I think that this film brings up a lot of really important issues (at least for me) and good reminders about what the child is going through…the enormity of the losses, changes, and expectations placed on them and the crucial importance of supporting adopted children through this with patience and empathy because WE are the ones who chose this path, not them (in most cases). We have to meet them more than half way and be the ones to come out of our own comfort zone to do so. I’m didn’t say what I said to hurt Donna’s feelings (and I had no idea she’d be reading this here and am not trying to attack her in any way); I was expressing my honest feelings about my reaction to what I saw on this film. Others saw it more positively but I think there is room for all opinions and, when you do a film like this, you have to expect that people will review and make comments about what they saw that you don’t agree with. We all learn and grow through discussion so I appreciate seeing all the different reactions as it deepens my appreciation of the topic and the related issues.
September 2nd, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Willowflower:
Based on what the documentary showed, I am in full agreement with you.
Sorry, Donna, but the filmmakers did not portray you in a very good light. I especially found hard the scene at the pool. There you comment about how Faith had a fight with Guangzhou sister and declares, “I don’t like Guangzhou sister. Dara is my sister!” and you respond, “My, how far we’ve come.” (And I have to add that I viewed your expression as smug.) Sure, it’s great that Faith has accepted your other daughter as her sister, but at the expense of her foster sister? Did you really want her to maintain ties with her foster family, or were you hoping she would forget about them? These are the questions that entered my mind. Also, all the demanding, “Tell me what’s wrong! I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” We never saw you ever ask Faith what’s wrong, only demanding after she’s had the tantrum that she tell you. As the mother of a daughter adopted from China and as a professional behavior therapist, it was very hard for me to watch.
I’ll have to check the forum to see if and how you’ve responded to these scenes. I know we can’t see all in a documentary, but I can only comment on what I did get to see and how I interpret it. I do wish the filmmakers had included scenes of you complimenting Faith, showing encouragement, and the like. It would have made it a whole lot easier to watch.
September 2nd, 2010 at 8:51 pm
I haven’t watched it, and probably won’t now. My ds didn’t speak much English, and we had absolutely no communication problems at all. I mean it isn’t that difficult to work out what a child needs. Gradually, he picked up on English, there was not rush, and we did not push him.
If our ds was sad, we would just work with him until we found out what the problem was, even that wasn’t difficult.
Admittedly, we had a wealth of information on him, and his personality was pretty much outlayed by his caregivers.
So I guess I am prejudging the show before seeing it, but I think too many adoptive parents expect far too much from their children in just a short space of time. I often see comments like, we have been home two weeks and we are not getting any sleep. Gosh, it I had been plucked from what I know, and the people who care for me, then placed with a stranger and then into a new country and home, I don’t think I would sleep much either.
We did the opposite in our family. We let our ds adopt us.
He was a delight when he first came home, he was always happy and smiling. Years later, he is even more of a delight.
I expected nothing from him, and he surprised us every day
with his wonderful personality. We did the same for his sister.
September 2nd, 2010 at 9:58 pm
I just watched this movie. It was definitely very insightful and worth seeing for an international adoptive family. I was surprised how impatient the mother appeared. But suspect it was a reflection of her own insecurity and concern with the situation. Feeling perhaps that she had to exert authority instead of compassion and empathy to make her daughter feel safe. To each his own. In my opinon, the film ADOPTED and accompanying footage with professionals and adoptees was much more informative and helpful. This is just my opinion, I believe it dealt more with coping strategies.
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:37 pm
I was fortunate to be at a viewing of this movie in July with the film maker. Many of your insights are correct except concerning the the counseling they got about race. The film maker had access to the highly accredited PHD and brought her in to talk with the parents. The film maker continues a close relationship with the family. She speaks mandarin but not cantonese so she was not always aware of what was being said in country. As for the foster sister I believe a family in New Jersey near Faith’s was working on adopting her.
September 3rd, 2010 at 12:26 am
I felt like crying so many times during this movie. I so wanted to find this little girl and hold her tight. The mother was a drill sargent and very impatient.
September 3rd, 2010 at 8:16 am
Adopting an older child is very different then adopting a baby or toddler. We have done both and I can tell you that in many ways adopting an older child is much harder. With an older child they have a history and memories that you have no part of, they have friends they will never see again and scars that you don’t know how they got. They also have a will of their own, and have their own idea of what they want to do or not do. We have gone through much of what some people here are critisizing Donna about. I made the mistake of cutting my hair before we went to China. I really didn’t think about how it would change how I looked to our new DD. We have also dealt with the “I want to go back to China” many times when she would get into trouble or when things didn’t go her way. I will also admit that I don’t know any Chinese, but we really didn’t have a whole lot of communication issues anyway. We did try to help her keep her Chinese by putting her in Chinese school, but within a few months she didn’t want to have anything to do with that and we didn’t force her to stay. Now, two years later she is interesting in learning again and we are encouraging that. It is easy to talk about what someone should or shouldn’t do when you are outside of the situation, but unless you have adopted an older child yourself you really don’t know what you are talking about or what it is like to live it. MG
September 3rd, 2010 at 3:46 pm
mygirl,
The point of my comments was that I DID get all of that; older child adoption can be harder in ways and seemingly more complex. That is EXACTLY why I was shocked that the mother did not show the child more empathy, compassion, and understanding because this was all very hard stuff for the little girl to be dealing with. The mother, in this film, as she was portrayed, made it harder on everyone with her rigid expectations of the child, her annoyance, and sarcasm. For the mother, yes it may have been harder than the adoption of their younger daughter but she must have (or should have) expected that. Regardless of how hard it was for the mother, the child’s whole world was turned upside-down and her losses were almost beyond comprehension. I would have liked to have seen her, in this film, reach out and support the child unconditionally and with lots of compassion. She should have realized that when the child expressed how hard it was she wasn’t simply talking about learning English. The whole thing was hard and I’m not sure the woman came close to understanding the depths of those losses and, if she did, it certainly didn’t show in the behavior exhibited in this piece.
September 3rd, 2010 at 11:41 pm
As a Chinese American adoptive parent who speaks Chinese fluently, I can tell you that much was lost in translation in the translated portions of the film. My husband and i didn’t even need to know the context of the “I can’t carry the books” or the “I want markers” scenes, to know that Faith was being manipulative and testing boundaries—this was apparent through her tone and how she was speaking. If I had been in the mother’s shoes, I would’ve also been very firm regarding boundaries–Faith was definitely trying to milk the situation for all that it was worth. I could definitely see how if you were only seeing the translated English words on the screen, it would be very easy to interpret things otherwise and mistakenly construe the mother as harsh for not carrying her books. While Faith’s words were written on the screen as “this is too hard.” A parallel situation for an English speaking child would be to say in the most whiny voice, “I caaann’t, I don’t waannnt to.” Don’t be snookered, Faith was more than fine and her mother was doing the right thing. Excellent documentary.
September 4th, 2010 at 7:38 am
First off as someone said armchair quarterbacking is easy, who knows what kind of not so flattering footage they would have gotten from ANY ONE OF US wile we were in China and home that first few months.
The kids are on edge, finding there place, testing you, some times instead of losing it your self (if the kid is in a safe place) the best thing you can do is take a little bit and regroup your thoughts, compassion, and passions an comeback level headed.
Adopting an older Child is wonderful, rewording, and trying and frustrating at times. Your adopting a little person with set opinions, likes and dislikes that may already have a foster mama or baba they have atched too and is scared haft to death of what people are now being calling there new mama and baba. It takes work and time for trust, love and understanding to form. Looking at that process from the comfort of your DVR will inevitably some times come across as harsh on film especially if you have not adopted and older child.
I found the film fascinating to see what it may be like to have adopted a older child with language, because our daughter was deaf she could not voice her opinions throw a translator, or be told we were her new parents. Our care package got taken in the mail so she never got it. We simply had to walk out of the office with her kicking, scream, and crying trying to get away, that was hart renching and would be horrid to watch in a documentary even thought we lived it. So I have strong empathy for what faith had to go throw.
I am glad of one thing the film helped Norah put some of the pieces of her adoption together for the first time I think. We watched it with her and it clicked she started signing and say mama-daddy-Norah, when Faith was meeting her new family and when they showed the medical checkup building. It was “Norah there”, “daddy-mama-Norah”,
“mama-daddy-mama-daddy-love-Norah”. That was wonderful to say the least!
So it did help Norah to see the film and I am glad it was made. It also helps to bring up issues that need to be thought about like our how our kids will self identity, my daughter just happens to have deaf/hearing thrown in there too.
Thanks Glen
September 4th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
I love that the film is getting alot of us to think and talk about some things that we might not have otherwise. Even though it isn’t lost on me for a minute, I appreciated the reminder of the huge transition that our children have to cope with to join our families, no matter what their age at placement. Our Meili will always be one of the bravest people I have ever met.
From the language acquisition perspective-After watching, I hit the computer looking for Chinese language classes for my daughter AND THE REST OF THE FAMILY. We have been studying casually for years but feel like it’s time to get serious. I may not learn Mandarin as quickly as Faith learned English but I would LOVE for my daughter to see me try. I couldn’t help but think about how I would cope if the situation were reversed. In our case, it very well might be if my husband’s company transfers him (all 7 of us!) to China for a couple of years in the future. I bet THAT would make quite a follow-up documentary!
September 5th, 2010 at 12:00 pm
“Adoption can be a beautiful thing, but it’s hard, at first.”
Adoption is always hard. It doesn’t end when the paperwork is done.
September 7th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
I think there was a lot of this story that we didn’t see… Donna just reminded me of someone from the East Coast-( a little more abrubt than those of usfrom those of us on the West Coast LOL) her actions were that of trying to do the best that she could in the situation she was in. How many of us make the wrong decision with our kids once in a while? I know I have! People are negative about the flash cards… I actually thought they were brilliant! Faith was about to face a very different world and knowing some basic words would help her communicate!
If Donna reads this, please don’t take all of the negativity to heart. People are quick to judge and post whatever they think because they don’t really know you and don’t have to see you face to face.
I could sense warmth and closeness just by seeing glimpses of your home– the pictures on the wall… and obviously the tender boys you have raised. What wonderful men they will make.
Please update us about China Mei Mei, we are all dying to see her story unfold too– and how precious that she and Faith will always have each other!
Im also dying to know if you will add to your family?
God be with you
September 8th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I’ve adopted three older children from China, and I agree completely with comments from Willowflower. The difficulties are immense and unpredictable, but one of the most important issues is empathy from the parents. The pressure on the child and unrealistic expectations from the mother was unbearable to watch. I watched and felt my genuine interest morph into one of disgust and anger. And that emotion was built on and accentuated as I watched the child struggle in the new culture and be purposely isolated by her new parents.
There are two things you must have for a newly adopted child, regardless of nationality or age – LOVE and EMPATHY. One without the other is a tragic shortfall.
September 13th, 2010 at 8:28 am
I want to thank everyone here for participating in this well deserved discussion about adoption, weather international or in the States in my opinion are very similar. I watched this on PBS Sep 9th, and have lost sleep just thinking about this Doc-Drama. I know it seems different, but I was thrown into the foster care system at age 10 and when I saw Faith crying at her new home because she wanted to go home my heart almost burst out of my chest. I’m not deflecting, just very empathetic for her feelings. I’ll never forget the first night the social worker drove me several hundred miles away from the town I was in to live with a new family, when I was dropped off at the new home (it was winter) I sat outside in a giant steel building and cried/screamed all night and refused to go in. I had no idea at the time what kind of a ride I was in for. Now, I know you must be thinking, ‘But I’m already American, and can at least speak English’, but speaking to anyone was the farthest thing from my mind, so it didn’t matter at that time. All I wanted was to be comforted, loved, held and told everything was ok. The unfortunate piece to this is that foster families are often in the game for money from the State, something I would hear out of the horse’s mouth many years later on a flight back from Florida, sitting next to a social worker that just happened to work for that state. No, I don’t think all parents who adopt/foster are bad; I do however think a better prescreening system needs to put in place. There are far to many well-meaning parents who want children, but neither possesses the tools or the rigorous mental aptitude to foster special need kids. I was a ‘hard cookie’ as well. In fact, I was so difficult no one wanted me; I was placed (and I’m not exaggerating) close to 60, yes sixty times in the span of about 7 years, and I still possess all the files etc. from each placement as I called the State of MN to acquire all the files on record. That of course only happened after all the ‘parents’ were finished making their money off me at age 18 and I was dumped by the State of MN. I tried in vein to adjust to each new placement only to be rudely told it was time for me to leave for some reason or another, usually behavioral issues, which in my opinion weren’t my issues, but issues with the parents not being prepared enough or actually taking the time to care about me as a person. It was my job to adjust to their needs, their expectations, their dreams, the dreams of their real sons and daughters; I was just there to fill a need, whatever that may have been. The key issue I take to heart with this family is their lack of care for a young girl, (and if you think my perceptions are shaped solely by my own experiences then consider this): I’ve had over 25 years of therapy, and that must count for something. In short when I was 10, the state may as well put me on a flight to China, because that exactly what it felt like. I to also noted the piece in which Donna says she wanted a daughter to fill a void in her life. Really? The motive here for me is what’s so concerning, shouldn’t the motive be first for the child and then your own? After all, it’s the adults who are making all the decisions and placing any need above your children’s needs (especially a child from abroad) is wrong. There’s much to be said about the care you give to another human being and the choices we make with these little ones. The impact it has will last a lifetime, and positive reinforcement over negative behavior wins every time. I have two children of my own, a 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son, and let me tell you its been nothing short of a miracle that I’ve held my marriage and children together this long. I want to tell Faith something; Hang on to your dreams and never forget where you came from, it will be the bridge that answers questions for you as you get older and have questions about your identity & what you believe. I won’t wish you luck, but rather I’ll pray for you, and that God reaches you as you walk threw this life. To Donna, I know you have a wonderful loving and giving heart, please make the effort to see things threw Faith’s eyes as she gets older. God Bless you and your entire family -