Boy vs. Girl Dilemma

[isismama]

Hi all,

Looking for feedback from single moms who pondered over the "If I can only adopt one child, adopt a boy or a girl?" decision.

Part of me is so pulled towards a girl, and that I'll have that much more understanding of what's she's going through as she matures. Plus my relationship with my mom--I feel this tug to keep a female line going in my family--even though it's not a biological female line (my family's highly blended, btw; many 2nd marriages, step & half siblings, and adoptions.). I've been thinking of adopting a girl for years now--even picked out names! And currently I have more female friends in my close social circle than male. And--strangely enough--have gotten "girly-er" with age! 

The other part of me is pulled towards a boy. I grew up with older brothers (no sisters) and was/is tomboy-ish,  and have always worked in very male-dominated fields. Was a nanny for awhile, and really bonded with this little boy. And there's more boys that need a home. But I worry about providing good male role models for a son. And dealing with boy-stuff, especially during the tween/teen years. My dad and brothers are a plane ride away, don't have that many guys in my social circle, and asking a guy friend to be a daddy figure is a huge responsibility, too. (Asking a guy friend to be a daddy figure is a big deal, whether I adopt a boy or girl.)

Ideally I'd adopt a boy and girl, but then I worry about finances. I can definitely handle one kid, but two kids might be a stretch. Two kids of the same gender is slightly financially easier--can share clothes, can sleep in same bedroom, etc. So, the dilemma.

Thanks!

[obnurrse]

This is an intensely personal decision!  I think you will find there are pro's and con's to both.

Saying that I will tell you that I have girls only and am waiting for DD#3.  I grew up with a single father and a brother I was the only girl in the household.  There were issues with being the only girl as I grew up.   When I started my family I didn't know if I would have more than one child and I knew I didn't want to put a boy thru the same issues I went thru.  I thought about it a lot; both serious things and simple things such as how would I take a boy to the bathroom with me while visiting places like Disneyland.  Times change and I do think some of the things I dealt with growing up are now a non-issue.  I also see mom's bring their boys into the bathroom with them quite a bit.   

Go with your gut; it should (and will) work out either direction you decide to go!

[B2B]

S owish I could help but it is such a personal decision. Pro's & cons on both sides. I have a girl & a boy. So different yet both are so great & frustrating at the same time!

[luckymama2two]

I read once that a child's most influential person is their same-sex parent. 

So, for me, if I were making this decision, I would adopt a girl. 

[4XBLEST]

When I started the adoption process as a single woman, I never thought about a boy. My plan was 2 girls. But after spending too much time on yahoo groups of single moms, a boy seemed like a good idea. So, number 3 is a boy. However, how could I have one boy in this all girl family? So, that is how I ended up with 4!

If I had only adopted one sex which would it have been? Probably a girl, but I love my boys and cannot imagine our family without them!

Nancy

[OTMOM]

When I dreamed of having children, I dreamt of having a girl.  My first child is a girl and all that I could hope for.  I adopted through the Waiting Children 7+ and almost 6 years ago.  Our agency got small lists and wouldn't get another until all the children were matched.  The kids who waited were the boys.  It was the same all over.  I ended up saying that although I wanted another baby girl, if a baby boy matched my parameters, I wouldn't turn down the referral.  There was a baby boy that perfectly matched my paramters in the list that came out just as I was ready to be DTC.  I accepted his referral.  I would have a boy and a girl...all was good.  On Sunday will 6 years from the time my little fellow died.  I got news of the TA and his death at the same time.  CC@@ offered me a nsn girl/boy....I chose another baby boy with a cleft.
We will celebrate 6 years together next months...What a ride.
I really like having one of each.  Just one? Probably a girl, but I sure do love my little guy.
Nancy

[Francine1227]

It is a very personal decision.  I started this process feeling like it was either 2 girls or I wasn't going to adopt at all!  I really wanted girls and I wanted 2.  I didn't like that my family is living out of state and that my Dad and 3 brothers couldn't play an influencial role in my son's life because they living so far away.  Because I didn't have a husband, I personally felt that boys need a male role model.  Again, that's just me because I find parenting a boy more intimidating than parenting a girl.

Good luck with your decision!

Francine

[isismama]

Thanks everyone for your responses!

And OTMOM, I'm so sorry for your loss six years ago.  Glad you have your beloved DD and DS now.
Think I'm going to follow your lead of "if the child fits my parameters, accept the referral" (and don't hesitate over the gender).  If I was building my family through pregnancy or marriage to a man with kids (or divorced with kids), I wouldn't have a choice of gender, anyway. Taking care of a child that I can adequately parent is honestly more important to me than whether he/she is a girl or a boy (now that I've thought about it some...).

To tell the truth, I did have a dream/vision of my child--couldn't tell whether he/she was a boy or girl as I saw a child with a bowl haircut and yellow and purple clothes! So, I guess the Universe will surprise me when the time is right. 

[china40]

This is a question that is close to my heart.  Everyone has their own opinion and reasoning behind it - I can only tell you mine.

Being a single and a bit of a feminist - I was all girl.  I knew even before I adopted my daughter I was going back for a second and it would be a girl too.  I've collected clothes and toys to pass down, I only had one bedroom, and I was a female so of course I thought girl and didn't question it.

While I was waiting for #2 and had submitted my sn check list to the agency it was an ex-boyfriend of all things that made me take a step back and question my decisions and assumptions.  For that I will be forever grateful (other things not so much but for that I will give him credit).  After much soul searching and some practical investigations (could I get a home study approved with the one bedroom - yes as I had plans for putting up a wall/ partition which I have since done, do I have appropriate role models and resources, yes, have I talked with other singles about raising the opposite gender , yes) I decided to change my request of my agency from girl only to either gender.  With the changes in SN process, the frenzy for little girls had grown and the boys just sat.  I knew most likely I would be adopting a boy if I said either gender.  As it turned out, I was given a choice - there was a boy and a girl both same age both with clefts both at the same orphanage that were on the list and my agaency could lock either.  I knew that the girl would be snapped up in an instant.  The boy, maybe not.  He matched my criteria re: sn.  He is now my son and such an amazing gift.  I can't say I love my son or my daughter more or less.  They are both amazing individuals.  Is it different parenting a boy vs. a girl - in some ways yes - he is ALL BOY, and in some ways no.   I know there were other singles in my circle of friends who doubted my decision and probably still do.  But I can say without a moment's hesitation it was the best decision I've ever made.  He is such a love!  I think your choice of opening up to either gender is a great choice and one you won't ever regret.  Parenting is soooo rewarding and you will love your little boy or little girl beyond measure!

Good luck!

China40

[OTMOM]

isismama,
I think that you are opening yourself up to wonderful possibilities by being open to either.  I also thought that a boy needed male role models.
My father, bil and nephew live closeby.  I actually thought that they would play a bigger role in my son's life, but that is not really the case.  They are supportive, but not really present as life is busy.  My son is rough and tumble and thanks to youtube, I learned to don hockey gear on my little guy without looking completely lost.  I am enjoying the hockey mom stuff more than I ever thought I would.  There are great role models in the coaches, camp counsellors....
Nancy

[china40]

Honestly -I was worried about the role model thing and how I would teach my son certain things - think a house full of girls and potty training....Well, we just recently potty trained and I had no idea how I was going to teach my son the standing to pee thing - didn't need to.  He apparently learned it from the other kids at preschool as they all make regular trips to the potty at certain times of the morning.  He was so proud of himself showing me what he can do and he has pretty good aim for a beginner!  Kids adapt as do parents.  It's a great adventure regardless of gender and each brings its own challenges and joys.   Enjoy!

China40

[waiting4alex]

I'd say be open to both and just know your child is out there waiting.  I spent 5 years hoping/waiting/planning for my DD.  For whatever reason (and totally unexpectedly) the Chinese government gave me the biggest surprise of my life-a beautiful little boy.  Took a deep  breath and another 2 seconds to say yes and then anther month to redo all of paperwork!   But there are plenty of role models for him in my life and he's the best thing that ever happened to me.  I can only hope that I am for him too!

Still working on the toilet training though . . .

Cindy

[redazalea]

I also agree that this is an intensly personal decison. But, for me, personally, if I could have only one it would be  a girl.

[cljohnson33919]

I read once that a child's most influential person is their same-sex parent. 

So, for me, if I were making this decision, I would adopt a girl. 

I believe that this is true.  I think kids need that same gender role model, especially when they hit adolescence.