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Sheena123
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Wondering what the future holds......
« on: November 26, 2011, 09:40:58 PM »

Like some of you here, I've been waiting to adopt from China for almost forever.  I was on a singles waiting list before I even entered the present line and there is still no end in sight to the wait.  I had a bio child (using a donor) while waiting, and he is now a toddler.  I've been thinking more and more about what the future holds, and about what is the right thing to do for my family (in terms of continuing to wait or not).  I am tired a lot of the time (as are all parents with toddlers I'm sure) and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to effectively parent two children and do what's best for both of them.  As much as these thoughts pass through my head, I have invested so much emotionally that I don't know how I would handle the loss of the adoption if it didn't go through.  I'm glad that I don't have to make the final decision now, but I have gone back and forth as to how I think things may turn out.

Having said that, I had a really vivid dream last night about my future child.  In the dream I had the child's photo, name, gender, birthdate (but not the year of birth).  I am not prone to foreseeing the future and have absolutely zero 'knowing' abilities, so I am sure the dream isn't accurate, but it shook me up.  It seemed so real.  I'm bringing it up here as I'm sure there are people out there who understand these feelings (and most people around me don't).  My friends and family remain supportive, but they are skeptical about the wait ever ending as every time they ask they get the same answer.


Thanks for listening.
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LadyBug4
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My Sweet Girls


Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2011, 11:55:01 PM »

The wait is hard. My best advice is not to put your life on hold while you're waiting. When you get closer to your referral you can decide. 
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Madeleine (12)   Jiangsu   2003
Ava (7.5)   Guangdong   2007
Lilah (5)   Guangdong   2012
ionethesandbox
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M from Uralsk - 3 years old


Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2011, 06:23:14 AM »

Sheena123 - I am right there with you. With an LID on 9/1/06, my endless wait us finally coming to an end and I have not decided how to proceed yet. I adopted from Kaz while waiting and do not think I can afford two kids, yet I desperately want to have another chlld and this is most likely my last chance. I am so afraid of proceeding and so afraid of regretting my decision not to proceed. I torture myself all day every day! I will need to decide soon.

Good luck!

Ionethesandbox
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Kaz adoption completed 04/09
LID 09/01/06 for DD #2
ipoppy
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2011, 10:47:43 AM »

I had serious doubts too, posted about them in the general thread (referral imminent), and received a great assortment of responses-all of which helped me to clarify things in my head. I too was unsure of the future, didn't want to end the process, and concerned about proceeding. Take a look at some of the responses to my thread, you might find some insight there. I am at peace now though, and hopw you will find peace too. 
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LadyBug4
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2011, 12:14:52 PM »

  This is a very difficult position to be in. I have two wonderful daughters and am in the process to bring home a third. This process, which started with such joy and promise, has had its very trying moments. So many financial obstacles in just a few short months that really go way beyond the unpredictible (from losing the source of income I was planning on to pay for the adoption to a very late payment that was due in Sept and still isn't here yet to my transmission going out in my car. . .and now I learned on a different thread about the difficulty Asian children have in getting accepted to college and am thinking I need to save even more...). I'm hanging on though. But not a day passes that I don't worry about the future and wonder if I should leave well enough alone. I can handle 3 children on my salary from my main job  and I am committed, but the worries are still present. 

Sheena123 - I am right there with you. With an LID on 9/1/06, my endless wait us finally coming to an end and I have not decided how to proceed yet. I adopted from Kaz while waiting and do not think I can afford two kids, yet I desperately want to have another chlld and this is most likely my last chance. I am so afraid of proceeding and so afraid of regretting my decision not to proceed. I torture myself all day every day! I will need to decide soon.

Good luck!

Ionethesandbox
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Madeleine (12)   Jiangsu   2003
Ava (7.5)   Guangdong   2007
Lilah (5)   Guangdong   2012
SoccerMom
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2011, 02:56:07 PM »

Maybe I'm not the one to ask about this - At the moment, I'm buying one scratch ticket every pay day hoping to get just one $20,000-$30,000 winner.     I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.  Quite honestly, unless fate takes pity on me and literally sends some money flying my way, the third adoption isn't going to happen.  I just don't have it.

However, I do want to add this - Before you pull your application due to financial worries, sit down and really work out how much more it will cost to raise another child.  Are there lifestyle changes that you're willing to make?  Ways that you can save money?  For me, the day to day living expenses are manageable, with certain changes in place.  i.e., the girls taking gymnastics at the YMCA instead of a more expensive gym, using public schools instead of private (we have an excellent public school system), only taking vacations every other year, etc.  Are there things you can do to make it financially easier to raise another child?


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SoccerGirl - China - 2002
SoccerBaby -  Ethiopia - 2009
SoccerBabyBaby - China - 2013
Sheena123
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2011, 07:44:02 PM »

Thanks for the responses.  It really is nice to know that there are other people who understand.  Although finances would be an issue if I am to go through with the adoption, I have some equity in my house that I could use to help pay for things.  Things would still be really tight though (especially with having another child in daycare!) 

Some of the things I'm concerned about aren't financial though.  My son started daycare a few months ago and has been chronically sick ever since.  My doctor now thinks he has asthma.  He has missed a lot of daycare, and I've been lucky that my parents have watched him most of the time that he wasn't able to go to daycare.  I've only had to miss a few days of work.  At this point though, it takes both of my parents to watch my son (due to their physical health issues).  I've been told that kids tend to get sick in daycare frequently for the first year or so, and then they become more physically resiliant.  Do you find this is also true of your children from China?  I'm not sure how much longer my parents will be able to physically help out (and they tend to go away for the winter), so I'm not sure how feasible it is for me to have another child.  How have you dealt with these issues if they have affected you?

I honestly have my moments when I think it would just be easier to stick to one child, but something still won't let me let go.  I have my heart set on having another child.  My family just doesn't feel complete.  I melt every time I look at photos of your beautiful children and I'm amazed at how strong and brave you all are.  I could use some of that!
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SoccerMom
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2011, 08:23:44 PM »

I do have to say that I have a very liberal absenteeism policy at work.  Each year, I get three weeks of sick time; and we're able to accumulate it.  In 2012, I'll be up to 5 weeks of vacation time; plus an additional 3 days of personal time.  My boss is also extremely family oriented, and he's let me change my shift, etc., to accommodate my children's needs.  i.e., when SoccerGirl started having more difficult separation issues, he let me change my shift so that I could put my girls on the bus myself.  He doesn't make me feel bad when I need to call in sick, get a call from the school nurse or take time off for school functions, etc.  I'm not sure I could make this all work if I had a different kind of job.

If it helps, Sheena123, your son may have fewer illnesses once he gets a bit older.  SoccerGirl was a terribly sick infant/toddler, but she is now one of the healthiest kids on the block.  SoccerBaby came home with the immune system of a truck driver  Laugh so has rarely been sick.  We work with the "You only stay home if you have a fever or have something coming out of you (blood, throw up, you get the picture  Laugh)" rule, and it seems to work well for us.  I'd see how things go once your son builds up his immune system a little.
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SoccerGirl - China - 2002
SoccerBaby -  Ethiopia - 2009
SoccerBabyBaby - China - 2013
catherinethegreat
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2011, 08:21:48 AM »

I want to chime in here even though I am not a single parent (raised by a single parent though ).  Both of my two youngest (DD#2 and DD#3) never got that sick in daycare because they were surrounded by other children in daycare. I think they each only had to stay at home 1-2 days at most occasionally; and its usually at the same time as they make each other sick (when they do).  It was DD#1 (bio) who missed the most from daycare and I think its because she stayed at home with my mom for the first two years of life and wasn't around a lot of other children so her immunity was not built up.  However after the first year she was good...no problems at all....

As for the rest...the thread about getting into college due to ethnicity has my head shaking...I really don't think this happens.  There are quotas for international students to some extent, but honestly other than that I really do think its more based on marks.  My eldest is biracial with a chinese last name (DH is chinese) and got into so many Canadian, US and UK schools...it was based on her marks...Of course finances do play a role in this for sure...believe me  I know as a parent who is having to pay those huge bills...save, save, save right from the start; invest in variety of monetary funds etc...and you will be fine....lots of these about your decision  

My mom says she was exhausted when she became a single parent to four girls ranging in age from an infant (me) to 18 years..but she coped and it was all fine...and now these many years later we are so close.(she lives with me)..it was wonderful being a child to a single parent...maybe not ideal..but great .
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MsMama
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2011, 10:00:56 PM »

Yes, my DD unfortunately was sick a lot the first year at daycare. It was ironic because 1 was off almost a whole year with her on mat leave and she rarely got sick. And I would purposely let her play with kids who had runny noses when we were out because I wanted to build up her immunity and it didn't work. Fortunately I'm able to work from home so I just do that when she's sick. She passed the one year mark in Sept and so far she's been much healtheir (KNOCK WOOD!).
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ionethesandbox
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M from Uralsk - 3 years old


Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2011, 07:06:12 PM »

Speaking of the future, one of my co-workers was cautioning me not to adopt a second child because of the state of the economy and that any of us could get laid off at any time and then how would I support two kids!!  Well, I must admit that it did scare me and still scares me. My referral is about 3 months away and I am scared silly!!  I guess I figure that if I lost my job, then I would get another, but maybe that is not the practical way to think. Maybe my salary would be much less and I wouldn't be able to support myself and my kids. I just don't know.  Does the economy scare any of your guys enough not to adopt? Maybe I need to fund a guy with a decent 401k balance (if there are any left) and marry him!!

Ionethesandbox
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Kaz adoption completed 04/09
LID 09/01/06 for DD #2
OTMOM
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2011, 08:21:26 PM »

Speaking of the future, one of my co-workers was cautioning me not to adopt a second child because of the state of the economy and that any of us could get laid off at any time and then how would I support two kids!!  Well, I must admit that it did scare me and still scares me. My referral is about 3 months away and I am scared silly!!  I guess I figure that if I lost my job, then I would get another, but maybe that is not the practical way to think. Maybe my salary would be much less and I wouldn't be able to support myself and my kids. I just don't know.  Does the economy scare any of your guys enough not to adopt? Maybe I need to fund a guy with a decent 401k balance (if there are any left) and marry him!!

Ionethesandbox
I have 2 and my youngest has been a part of my family for 6 years next week.  He turns 7 on Monday.  If I had waited until I could be in the best place financially, I wouldn't have him and that would be such a loss for us.  Things are tight right now, but I only have 1.5 years left of after care,....besides, I have never been so happy.
Good luck with your decision
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Sheena123
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2011, 08:56:15 PM »

It's interesting to be talking about supporting children after an adoption.....it seems like a lot of the conversations we have here involve affording an adoption (and having enough assets before the fact).  I think it's important to consider how you're going to support your children in the future, but you can't predict every little thing that could happen.  If I did that I'd probably still be childless and living in my parents' basement!  It can be amazing how things just work out sometimes.  Who knows, you could win a lottery, get married, lose your job and get a better one.....
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ionethesandbox
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M from Uralsk - 3 years old


Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2011, 01:59:07 PM »

Yes, it is very interesting that it doesn't get discussed as much. The ongoing cost of life is much more costly than the adoption itself. I worry about it all the time!

Ionethesandbox
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Kaz adoption completed 04/09
LID 09/01/06 for DD #2
catherinethegreat
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2011, 02:38:32 PM »

Yes, it is very interesting that it doesn't get discussed as much. The ongoing cost of life is much more costly than the adoption itself. I worry about it all the time!

Ionethesandbox

this is definitely true...for sure...but honestly if you are saving and have equity (which I am assuming you do) then it all 'should' work out...hard to ever know for sure...lots  of these
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neg58
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #15 on: December 05, 2011, 02:29:19 AM »

Yes, it is very interesting that it doesn't get discussed as much. The ongoing cost of life is much more costly than the adoption itself. I worry about it all the time!

Ionethesandbox

On many of the singles lists, there was an annual conversation about how expensive babies and toddlers were and how life was going to be so much better once the child was in full time K and out of daycare and diapers.  I usually posted about how my most expensive year, by far, was K. But oh, I was always corrected, most of those costs I was listing were optional, and you really didn't have to take dance lessons or buy the school sweatshirts, or pay for the field trips.  Really?  You mean there was suddenly $1600 extra in my bank account that I was somehow wasting by paying for fieldtrips?

Daycare was expensive, but it was a set fee and in my case included food.  When my kids started school, it would have actually been more expensive had they gone to the public school as I would have had to pay for before school, after school, and afternoon K (not free!). My kids actually went to a catholic school, and the tuition plus extended care was less than public school before/after/extra K.  But the biggest expense was for camps or care when school was off.  Two weeks at Christmas, fall break, spring break,  12 weeks in the summer, all the in-service days.  And the lessons, field trips, sweatshirts, shoes, Brownies, birthday parties...much more expensive.

I think most people expand or contract to spend the money they have.  If you were paying daycare $700/mo, somehow that money will get spent.  Sometimes you have more take home because of taxes, but you also have a higher electric bill and more doctor co-pays, and need an extra gallon of milk.

Last year I was paying tuition, but this year they are in public school.  I have no idea how I paid the tuition because I sure can't find that money now.  That money has just been absorbed into the budget.  Seamlessly.  Gone.

Nancy
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Pam
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Re: Wondering what the future holds......
« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2011, 07:42:44 AM »

I am definately the plan ahead make sure you are as prepared as possible kind of person, but I remember my mom once telling me that if people waited until they were "really" ready to have kids (and she meant both financially and emotionally) they would never have them.
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