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lkOH
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Jennah home with us since July 2011


BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« on: July 11, 2012, 11:54:57 AM »

Hello,
So we have been through this with 3 children adopted from china but none over the age of 23 months old at gotcha day.  Now I am taken with a little guy who would likely be just turning 4 by the time we were able to get him.  Just wondering the good and the bad of adopting a little bit older?  He would also not be the youngest in our family, he would be almost a virtual twin to our youngest daughter.  Thanks for the advice!  And also can't believe I am even considering doing all this paperwork a 4th time.  I must be nuts! 
lkOH
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DD: age 7, Fuzhou, Jiangxi
DS: age 5, Kunming, Yunnan
DD: age 3, Nanyang, Henan
DS: age 3, waiting in Luoyang, Henan
LOI 7/21/2012
I800A 11/19/201
shellyyrk
Lord / Lady
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Posts: 1,370


Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2012, 12:04:44 PM »

I PM d you.  We have had very positive experiences adopting 4, 5 and 6 yr old.  We virtual twinned two sets of kids.  The older age, 6 at adoption, was tough to get up to grade level...still working on that.  Consider your resources (people, fianances, educational, medical), as with each medical need adoption you are adding more doc appointments and the such.

For us, it has worked very well.  Adopting 2 at one time was alot of work in sharing attention and in home work/laundry/doc visits...but we have been blessed overall.

Although I do not know you, I would say....it is indeed a good thing!
Shelly
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Liz
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2012, 12:12:59 PM »

We just adopted a little guy from foster care that turned 4 a few days after being placed with us. He is 4 months older than our daughter who was adopted from China at 15 months. However our son was adopted through our state's foster system, not China.
He had a hard time figuring out why he was with us and had lots of really hard questions. He also grieved hard for his previous foster family (they were not able to adopt him).
He bonded with my husband right away and regressed a lot. He wanted my husband to carry him everywhere, he would sit on his lap at dinner and want to be fed like a baby. We indulged this and he stopped after a couple of weeks.
He and my daughter get along amazingly well!  They are like two peas in a pod. They do fight, but they get over it pretty quickly, then they are off playing again.
I know your situation will be a lot different than ours. You'll have the language and cultural aspects to deal with.  But it sounded so much like our experience I wanted to chime in.
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laurens21
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2012, 12:18:10 PM »

Our daughter was 3 1/2 and she did great!  I was a little nervous about it, but it was a really good experience for us.  I was worried about the language barrier, but it was never a problem.  She transitioned really well and so far has adjusted well too even with all of the medical care she needed when we arrived home.
    She is a year and a half younger than her sister and a year and half older than my son.
I went without my husband to China and she went right up to him at the airport and gave him a hug!  We looked at a photo album over and over while we were in China and she knew everyone's names by the time we came home.
   Good luck!
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5 DS
2 DD (Jiangxi )
1 DD ( Henan)
maarmst1
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2012, 02:40:21 PM »

Hi,
We adopted a little boy who had just turned four and it was HARD while we were in China but it got a lot easier once we got home.  He was not a happy camper to be with us.  I believe he was very scared and as a result he was very mad at us.  He was constantly trying to get out of our hotel room, would spit at me, throw my hat, hit, kick, etc.  Good times, good times.  But even if you do have a hard experience in China, it gets better!

We also adopted a 3 year old and our experiences while in China could not have been more different.  He was easy breezy and now that he is home he is our trouble maker Smiley  But a very cute trouble maker.

Good luck.  4 is a good, fun age!
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lkOH
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Posts: 286


Jennah home with us since July 2011


Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2012, 09:48:50 PM »

thank you all!  You have given me some scenarios to ponder!  I know in the end you just have to go with your gut and take that leap of faith.  I will keep you all posted.   
lkOH
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DD: age 7, Fuzhou, Jiangxi
DS: age 5, Kunming, Yunnan
DD: age 3, Nanyang, Henan
DS: age 3, waiting in Luoyang, Henan
LOI 7/21/2012
I800A 11/19/201
MelissaRE
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2012, 07:24:50 AM »

I'm always glad to read threads of this topic, because we are in the process of adopting a 4 year old boy.   Smiley
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Bio DDs (8,4)
DS, 6, adopted from China 10/2012
Kathay
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2012, 07:45:07 AM »

We did and it was the best experience ever! Would do it again in a heartbeat. I'm on my way out but will post more later. 
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One perfect son (sn)
One perfect daughter (sn)
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Kathay
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2012, 09:40:39 AM »

Back again and here we go:

DS was our first and four at adoption. He was very well prepared. He wanted parents, knew (had been told) it would be a good thing but was very scared and shy. Still, one of the first things he asked us (through the guide) was if he would be allowed to sleep in our bed. His nanny had told them that's what you do when you have parents and he wanted it so bad. He didn't cry on gotcha day but for a few nights at the hotel. It was heartbreaking but he made it very clear he wanted to be with us. He did not want to go back and visit the orphanage so DH went and DS and I stayed at the hotel.

DS was not delayed, very much a four year old but of course a four year old lacking experience of most things. He had never seen a shower (the only did sponge baths at the SWI) or used toilet paper. He was used to having lots of kids around and is a very kind and gentle boy but had no understanding of correct social interactions.
He attached to DH from the start, tolerated me but only for fun things like giving him a bath, food and treats. He was our first child so it was HARD for me (even though I knew it is common to reject on parent). It lasted a few months but he eventually grew into a real mommas boy. 
DS's special need is cl/cp so his Chinese was somewhat unclear but still, his vocabulary was excellent and he switched language so fast. He learned many words before we even left China and were putting sentences together within weeks.

I was able to stay home with him for almost a year and I feel that was a good thing. While he liked us, attached fine and had been taught parents is a good thing he still didn't know the difference between parents and other nice adults. I know lots of others has had their kids go off to school after being home a few weeks and they have been just fine but I say if you can do it, stay home a while even if your child is a bit older. They have missed out on so many things growing up at an orphanage. And it's so much fun spending time with them as they explore their new world!

We've held him back a year in school and it's been good for him. He is doing well in school (he is almost nine now) and has a few close friends. He is a quite shy and anxious boy. He has had lots of questions and thoughts about his birth family and dream about finding them. Not that he wants to be with them (he is terrified we will leave him), he just want to know who they are, what they look like.
 
He has been asking for a sibling since the day he had enough words to express it but when we brought home meimei (19 months at adoption) about 1,5 years ago he had a very, very hard time. He loved her so much from the very start but struggled a lot (and I do mean a lot) with the new family dynamics. It took him almost a year to feel confident that we still love him just as much as we did before meimei. We still have to make sure he gets tons of one on one time with us as well as reassurance about how much we love him.

All in all we had a wonderful experience and would adopt another child this age in a heartbeat.  In many ways it was easier to adopt a four year old than it was with our next (19 months old) because DS was old enough to talk to, to explain things to and to express his feelings.

Feel free to ask if there's anything else you want to know.
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nw030608
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2012, 08:09:34 PM »

We adopted a 3 year, two month old little boy from China and had a bio. son who was 3 years old, so VIRTUAL TWINS.
Our experience adopting him was incredible.
He held our hand and hugged us right away. Called us Mommy and Daddy. Loved sleeping between us in China in the hotel bed. Would stroke my hair and loved me to sing to him and rub his back.
When we went to the SWI, we wanted a photo of him on his bed. He began sobbing when we took the photo (thought we wanted him to take a nap there and thought we would leave him, even though our guide had assured him we were only going to visit and give gifts and take photos). He told the SWI workers, "I do not want to stay here. I want to go with my mommy and daddy." They were all very taken with how he so quickly understood that a family was so important and that we were HIS. Our guide said he knew already what comfort and love were.
We arrived home and I won't lie...the language barrier was TOUGH for 3 weeks, especially between him and his brother. Then it got easier.
Overall his adjustment was excellent.
He never went through any kind of grieving that we saw, with the exception of maybe 10-15 night terrors during the first couple months home.
Nicole
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Nicole
DS, adopted on 04/11/10
Bao'an SWI, China
DD......
shellyyrk
Lord / Lady
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Posts: 1,370


Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2012, 02:47:02 PM »

[
For us, it has worked very well.  Adopting 2 at one time was alot of work in sharing attention and in home work/laundry/doc visits...but we have been blessed overall.

Although I do not know you, I would say....it is indeed a good thing!
Shelly
[/quote]

Just an FYI that we did experience some bumps in the road with adjustments, homesickness for China, and the such.  But within six months, each of our children seemed to find their niche in family life. 
And, to clarify, with each child you add...that often means taking a carload to each dr appointment...unless you have relatives or babysitting for that.  That can make some long days at specialists, so do not be surprised by those busy days.

We love our boys, and girls, who were born in CHina and whom we are blessed to be family to.

Shelly
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chinamercy
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Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #11 on: July 13, 2012, 03:53:10 PM »

Our daughter was 3 1/2 when she came home.  She has done so well and found her place in the family very quickly!  She has been home for almost 6 months and is such a sweet, loving affectionate child!  We would do it again in a heartbeat!
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lkOH
Steward
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Posts: 286


Jennah home with us since July 2011


Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2012, 08:08:37 PM »

Good to hear all of your wonderful stories!  We have been so blessed by our prior 3 children, that we went ahead and sent LOI today!  I know I will just need to give it time for him to fit in with the rest of us.  I will let you know more after PA as i am able.  Thanks again!   
lkOH
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DD: age 7, Fuzhou, Jiangxi
DS: age 5, Kunming, Yunnan
DD: age 3, Nanyang, Henan
DS: age 3, waiting in Luoyang, Henan
LOI 7/21/2012
I800A 11/19/201
journey2bree
Steward
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Posts: 261



Re: BTDT adopt a 4 year old boy
« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2012, 09:50:19 PM »

We adopted a 3.5 year old little boy a few months ago.   So far, his transition has gone beautifully.  He was well prepared by his foster family, and came to us willingly.  Other than some instances of crying in his sleep, he is happy almost all the time.

He is now attending a kindergarten readiness program, and came home the other day to tell me that they were talking about families.  He was very proud that he'd said his family is Mommy, Daddy and "Dog's Name" 
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DS 3.5 from Thailand - met on April 5, 2012 Smiley

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