Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy
Specialists say that it is important that the child always be able to trust us. It is imperative we don’t do anything to make them doubt us when we tell them something. You don’t want them wondering if you are telling the truth when you talk about the tough stuff like abandonment and the one child policy. Consider that some of the big adoption discussions happen around the same time most children realize the characters in the title aren’t real and were all made up and you’ll realize why, for some parents, these characters create yet another decision. You don’t want to have to deal with the fact that Santa isn’t real just a couple of days before you start getting serious questions about why she was abandoned in the middle of the night.
The dilemma:
Are we honest with our kids and thus “cheat” them out of a part of childhood.Or do we lie to them and let them have that part of their childhood.
Neither sounds very good. Does it?
Maybe you can do something in between. Talk about the story and then pretend that Santa is real. Tell the story from the very beginning as a “fun play pretend story”. Pretend that he comes to your house, with reminders every once in a while that Santa is just play pretend and doesn’t really come to the house. And this can be reinforced occasionally while you are having fun with the story – maybe a quick point that the Santa at the mall is just a man dressed up like Santa, because Santa is all play pretend. Or maybe when the child insists you clean the fireplace, you could point out to your child that you don’t have to clean the fireplace to keep Santa from getting dirty because Santa is really play pretend and we are just having fun with the story right now.
How do you keep your child from spilling the beans to other kids?
You can point out that some kids think they are real, and that it’s not nice to tell them they aren’t. You can tell her that those kids’ parents will decide when to tell them the truth and it isn’t up to her (the child) to do it.
It’s not just parents of kids who are adopted who have to be extra sensitive to this. Parents of kids with major health issues also have to be very aware of always being honest with their kids. They also have to have some very serious discussions at a young age. If you are going to have to tell your child at 6 or 7 or 8 that the disease they have means they may end up in a wheelchair as an adult, then you don’t want them to have just discovered that you lied about Santa Clause when you have that talk.
And I point that out because I see some parents who feel a bit sorry for themselves that they are “always having to think about adoption issues”. Yes, it’s true that we have to make some decisions based on adoption issues, but it could be a lot worse. And, we aren’t the only kind of parent who has to have some kind of issue always in the back of their mind.
So, as with everything else, think this through and then do whatever feels right.
April 17th, 2006 at 7:24 am
RQ,
My daughters were afraid of the tooth fairy. Santa was not so frightening as they saw his images EVERYWHERE! The idea of something, ie the tooth fairy, entering their room at night, who they NEVER encountered was truly frightening for them. For a short time, we put the “tooth pillows” in our room. Then, one night when tears ensued we told them the truth. I have never heard of children being scared before, but it makes sense. In any event we told them that we were the tooth fairy and they have been happy to take our money ever since. I will say that we asked them not to reveal this information to other children. It would spoil the fun for anyone who was NOT afraid. As for Santa, I believe that they summized their own conclusions after the tooth fairy tale. They have choosen not to tell us, I believe, as not to spoil our Santa fun.
April 17th, 2006 at 10:25 am
I’m 35 and this will be my first child. This stuff is a wake up call. I guess I have been away from day to day (or even year to year) contact with children for so long, it never occurred to me to think about what we’d do for Santa, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. I’m a practical person, and not inclined to teach my children to believe in something that is not real. Like you said, tell the story, maybe celebrate the idea, but not really believe it. But I forget that other people would be teaching their children to really believe these things. Hmmmm. I feel really out of touch.
April 17th, 2006 at 11:38 am
RQ,
I was raised with the belief that these things are wonderful games that we play. I never believed any of it was REAL, but I always relished in it and put out cookies for Santa and tucked my teeth under my pillow for the tooth fairy. My parents always said some children choose to believe, and we shouldn’t spoil the game for them by saying it wasn’t true. It worked for us, and I am doing the same with my little one.
April 18th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
It’s a personal thing.
Frankly, I think we bend truth a little bit all of the time. When our kids grow up, we hope they have enough experiences to help them see that the world isn’t always “true” or “false”. Sometimes we use fantasy in a harmless way to make life better. Sometimes, the hard cold truth is the only right answer. Sometimes the right answer is somewhere between fantasy and fact.
Good thing we have advanced brains to process all of this stuff!
:)
Donna
Our blog: Double Happiness!
April 18th, 2006 at 9:17 pm
I am with Rumor Queen on this one. Our children are 6 and 7. They’ve always known that these characters are not real. We do, however, have fun with Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. We tell them that this is a “game” that other parents play with their children and we don’t want to ruin the good time that the kids are having with it. Our children have never told their friends that they know the truth. In first grade though they did start telling us things like, “Mom, did you know that Kelsey STILL believes in Santa?” I’ll always smile and say, “Ah, that’s fun that she’s still playing the game with her parents. Don’t spoil their fun.” They always agree not to and to my knowledge they haven’t.
Rumor Queen states that there are times when we should always tell the truth to our children; if their adopted, special needs, etc. I disagree. I think that we should all ALWAYS tell the truth to our kids. No matter what.
Our daughter cut her hair just a little bit two days ago. She lied when I asked her about it. When it came down to discussing this with her (she’s 7) I could look her in the eye and tell her that we have NEVER lied to her. PERIOD! NEVER.
A parent who chooses to play the Santa, Bunny, etc. game can’t do this. Do I think those parents are bad parents? No! Absolutely not. I just need to keep it honest 100% of the time because that’s the standard I set for them.
Thanks for listening to my 1 1/2 cents.
Good night!
Traci
April 24th, 2006 at 3:01 am
For me, the story of Santa is more than a fable. There was a real Saint Nicholas that gave toys to kids, and that story can be incorporated. However, also DH and I have discussed this, for the same reasons that you mention on your blog, and the concept of Santa goes into depths of believing in things you cannot see. I was not crushed when I found out that Santa was not real. In fact, I kept the “secret” because I thought somehow that my parents still believed. Contrarily, I believe in karma, and God and goodness partly BECAUSE I believed in Santa as a child, and im my heart I still do believe that Santa exists in spirit. I have a post about this very same thing in my November archives of my blog.
April 25th, 2006 at 6:04 am
This is a great compromise to confess up front that it’s all a game of pretend, because it lets the parents continue pretending if we so desire! My daughter loves role playing so much that I think that she will have no problem continuing with the pretense even after she knows the truth. I remember being VERY disappointed at age 5 after casually asking my father about Santa Claus when he flat out said Santa wasn’t real. I thought to myself “Couldn’t he have lied to me for a little big longer?!”
July 18th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
I don’t think this dilemma is limited to adoptive parents — ALL parents need to have the trust of their kids…
I have always felt uncomfortable lying to my kids about Santa et al, so we just never made a big deal about that stuff. My (bio) son’s preschool teacher took me aside to tell me, very seriously, that he didn’t believe in Santa, as if it were some kind of abnormality. My (bio) daughter “chose” to believe in Santa for a couple of years (she was about 4-5 at the time).
Our adopted daughter was terrified of Santa last Christmas (even in pictures) so I don’t think our approach will be any different with her.
BTW, we have the “hairy fairy” aka “Dad” at our house, which the kids found hilarious…
December 27th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
marwan said…
If there was anything to fear about telling a child about characters that are not real, it would be losing the childs trust in the process. I would hate to tell my children a figure is real to satisfy his childhood, i would explain what that character meant, but i would tell the truth. i would also mention why it would be inappropriate to tell other children something they believe in isnt true. i rather my family, which of course includes my kids, trust everything i say so they can depend on me for anything. If u lose that u lose ur kids.