Who’s in charge?
Sadly, in many cases I discover that it’s the two year old who is in charge, not the parents.
Before I had kids I was told that I shouldn’t remark about how badly behaved a child was, that I wasn’t a parent and had no idea how hard it was to get a child to behave.
Well, okay. But I still noted that some small children behaved and others did not. And I vowed that if I couldn’t take my child somewhere without her sweeping everything off of a coffee table or screaming bloody murder in a store that I just wouldn’t take her anywhere.
And I have (mostly) succeeded at that. She has attempted a screaming fit in a store a few times, but quickly learned that we just immediately leave the store and she gets to stare at a wall until she stops her temper tantrum. Which defeats the purpose of the temper tantrum, so she only tried it four or five times.
When my daughter was two and a half I went shopping with a friend who had a three and a half year old daughter. I put my daughter in the stroller and we headed into the store.
My friend tried to hold her daughter’s hand in the parking lot and her daughter refused. So my friend didn’t push the issue. Once in the store my friend’s daughter ran wild, and my friend spent the whole time chasing her around, putting clothes back on racks, putting shoes back on shelves, begging her child to stop screaming, and apologizing to almost everyone in the store for her child’s behavior.
And my daughter and I shopped together, sang a few quiet songs together, played our “color game” (pick a color and point to it every time you see it – a fun diversion when mommy is looking at clothes to buy), and just generally had a great time together.
My friend remarked once that she wished her child would sit in a stroller. Silly me pointed out that she’s the mommy and gets to make the rules and all she has to do is put her in the stroller. She said “oh no, she absolutely refuses to stay in it”.
So, still trying to be helpful, I said “yeah, mine tried that once, it didn’t get her very far”.
She said “oh, she just screams and cries when I put her in it”
Again, still trying to be helpful (silly me), I shared that when my daughter did that we immediately went outside where I pointed her to a blank brick wall and then I filed my nails until she was through with her fit, and then we went back inside. I don’t negotiate with temper tantrums. Ever.
My friend took great offense at this.
But you know what? Years later they have an elementary school aged child who is constantly in trouble at school, has some major learning problems (due to the fact that she refuses to follow instructions), and doesn’t have a whole lot of friends. Why no friends? Because she is a horrible brat and other kids don’t like being around her, either.
And my friend? We’ve drifted apart. I felt like I had to hide my child’s accomplishments from her because she always got so defensive when she discovered my child (a year younger than hers) could do things her child isn’t anywhere near doing. I didn’t feel comfortable with that.
And then there was her constant speaking out about how I should let my child do things that I don’t allow (eat candy instead of meals, watch movies that aren’t appropriate, watch more than an hour of TV a day, stay up until midnight if she wants, etc).
Plus, we stopped inviting them over because every time they came over multiple things were broken. Accidents I can deal with, but breaking things on purpose is another thing entirely.
The moral of the story here is not to brag about my well behaved genius child (LOL). But to point out that parents have to be in charge of their children.
It is our job to teach them to live in this society, and to do that we must teach them what is, and what is not, appropriate. Screaming in stores is not appropriate. Picking nick-knacks up in people’s homes and throwing them against a wall is not appropriate. Hitting other kids is not appropriate. Yanking things out of other children’s hands is not appropriate.
And it goes farther than that. Many times it is a safety issue. My daughter is too big for a stroller now, and she always holds my hands in a parking lot. Always. It’s not open for discussion. She has balked at it a few times, and we’ve talked about it. There may have even been consequences once or twice. She will probably balk about it more times before I deem that she is old enough to not have to hold hands in the parking lot – but I will decide when she is old enough. Not her. And I only hear that she doesn’t want to maybe once every three or four months – it’s not a constant thing. I’m okay with her testing boundaries occasionally. As a kid, that’s her job. But there is no bickering over it, if the answer was no yesterday then don’t ask me again today.
It is my belief that well-behaved children are happier than ill-behaved children. Well behaved children know their boundaries, they know that if they stay within those boundaries they will not be fussed at. They know that people like them, and I think they have more self esteem.
Ill behaved children get fussed at a lot. Ill-behaved children are an annoyance, and I believe that they do not have good self esteem because they know that people are annoyed by them.
Sometimes it’s hard to be the parent. But if you ever ask yourself “who’s in charge here?”, and you realize that it is your child who is in charge, then you need to regroup and figure out how to put yourself back in charge.
How do you do that?
I think that’s the subject of another blog post.
First, I want to make a statement about ignoring temper tantrums. Until you know your child’s different screams, you should treat them all as if she is screaming in fear. Only once you know all of the different screams and cries, and you are 100% sure that she is screaming because she is ticked off about something, do you ignore the screaming. I didn’t ignore a scream until we’d been home for around 8 months.
July 11th, 2006 at 11:27 pm
Parents who think they are being loving by not doing the hard things need to realize that they’re being selfish and irresponsible. If you give your kids structure and teach them self control and respect they will (I have proof in my step-son) thank you for it when they grow up.
I think you’re doing the right thing, and I like your strategies – don’t ever take this blog down because I want to come back for your tips when I need them!
July 22nd, 2006 at 12:27 am
I have never posted before, but felt compelled to comment today. Dont give yourself to huge a pat on the back for your “wonderful” parenting techniques until you have walked in the shoes of a mother of a child with learning disabilities. Its great you give your child boundaries. I do too. But my son has learning disabilities, and a host of other problems that my friends are not aware of. I chose to protect his privacy, and not publish them to the community at large, including my alleged “close” friends. You seem to have been a “close friend” to this woman. Instead of judging her, and giving her pointless advice, maybe you should have offered her a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen to her problems instead of preaching to her. Raising a child with learning disabilities is NOT easy. Simply following through on simple disciplie is sometimes not enough. CHildren with ADHD, speech issues, learning problems, sleep disorders, and other intellectual issues cannot just be “put in the corner”. I dont know what problems the son of your alledged friend has, but I know that whatever she is dealing with, she is probably better off without a “friend” like you. I have two children. I try to treat them equally. I definately love them both equally. But finding the balance and structure for children with special needs is not easy. I hope you never have to learn that the hard way. Your post is judgemental and intolerant. You have obviousy never had to deal with a child with special needs. You really missed the mark on this one.
July 22nd, 2006 at 7:49 am
Well Shelby, if being annoyed at a parent who never tells their child that a behavior is unnacceptable is intolerant, then call me intolerant.
For the record, my child has sensory issues that we deal with on a daily basis. I’ve spoken about them a few times here, but no one except her daytime caregiver in real life has been told much about them. I do know what it’s like to raise a child who must be raised with different parenting techniques than the norm.
And yet I still tell her when she is being rude. Even if the rudeness is part of her sensory issues. The world is not going to change for her, she must figure out how to adapt to the world. And it’s my job to help her do that.
Surely you don’t allow your child to run through parking lots without holding an adult’s hand? Do you allow your child to run loose in stores? Does your child run up to strangers in the store and grab things from their hand and run off and then demand that you buy the item for him/her and you do?
August 6th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
In response to Shelby’s post:
I am a teacher of children with autism. Some, because of their distinct mannerism’s and gait, are easily identified as a child with a disability. However, most of them appear perfectly typical. At church last month I shadowed a young girl with autism and adhd. She has very distinct sensory issues and a lack of impulse control. Several adults looked at me warily, sympathetically, or irritably. One woman rolled her eyes when I told her that my young friend would not be wearing the garbage bag as a painting frock. I didn’t feel that it was appropriate to tell her that my friend is sensitive to crackling noise as well as the feel of plastic and that it would be intolerant to her touch. My consequence was that she rolled her eyes at me.
This year I started teaching at a new school. My style of teaching is based very strongly on the inclusion model. Therefore there were many oppurtunities for my students, still learning how to acceptably navigate the social world, to cause disruptions, spills, even the occasional assault on others (thankfully mostly teachers;) During my year I was accosted by the lunch lady, my pricipal, the head custodian, and a fellow teacher regarding the behavior of my students.
I agree with you that the “face the wall” scenario will not work for all children. however, I do not disagree with the practice. for many children this would work highly effectively. I have not walked in the shoes as a parent of a child with a disability. I have walked as a professional whom has worked with children with special needs for over fourteen years.
Our reactions to the post are very different. I read it and was literally planning to forward it to my husband (a lovely man who is a nervous disciplinarian).
The children with whom I work with are not allowed to be so disruptive that it negatively impacts the learning of other students. The little girl who I worked with at Sunday school did not have to wear the garbage bag but she did have to sit quietly when others were speaking. I allowed her to look at books (a favorite activity of hers) during lengthy times that she would have to be quiet. But she had to be quiet just as the others were expected to remain quiet. Three times that week I had to physically remove her from activities while she was kicking and screaming. She understands and detests time outs but they are effective. So are the incentives that I provide for her. (Three stars recieved on her behavior chart equals “pink gum”) In addition, the activities that she cannot and should not be expected to handle, we skipped out on.
I wholly agree with RQ when she said, “The world is not going to change for her, she must figure out how to adapt to the world. And it’s my job to help her do that.”
This is exactly how I feel. My job is to help the children that I work with to successfully navigate the world in which they live. The children that I teach must have extreme behavioral and communicational issues to be placed in my classroom. I require a great deal of them. I am the strictest teacher they may ever encounter (or so I am told) but all of them leave my classroom healthier, happier, and better equiped to face the world. They may not have been happy when required to suffer the consequences of their actions, but they were thrilled when they were able to achieve more successes and recieve more positive feedback as a result.
RQ may be witty, honest, insightful, blunt, and even a little tetchy at times but from what I have read she is far from intolerant.
side note – I hate the way that word is thrown around so readily when someone has a different view from someone else. In addition, I think it is perfectly not to tolerate many many things . . . I am tempted to make a list but this blog is already too long.
Shelby, I commend your love and commitment to your son. I also commend you for your passion. But, I respectfully disagree.
September 1st, 2006 at 10:10 pm
AMEN!!!!
September 13th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
I second that “AMEN”!!
November 20th, 2006 at 5:08 pm
Did you read any particular books that helped you learn discipline methods, and staying in control? I will need all the help I can get!
I’ve purchased Magic 1-2-3, and another called something like “How to Listen to your child”, but haven’t read them yet. (I still have about a year wait.)
June 1st, 2007 at 9:52 am
nc_girl,
good comment about “intolerant.” One of our priests gave a sermon once about tolerance vs patience. We are not called to be tolerant, we are called to be patient. There is a HUGE difference.
If you are at once both patient and intolerant, you are helping to improve the world in which you live.
Or, more to the point, if you are both patient and intolerant with your child, you are on the right track!
June 12th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
My second daughter was 22 months at ‘gotcha day’ and she could throw a temper tantrum with the best of them. I had no question from day one that these were tantrums- not fear. if she wasn’t given what she wanted (like when the bag of cherrios ran out when we were out walking) she would immediatly thrown herself backward onto the group and start kicking and sceaming. I had to be quick to protect her head from hitting the ground. I initally tried to comfort her by other means and, of course, being brand new to her, was trying to give her everything she wanted at all times anyway! I quickly learned that she was a classic 2 year old and, despite my best intentions ended up ignoring the tantrums. I tried to ignore the tantrums without ignoring her.I would sit next to her on the ground while she kicked and screamed and talk quietly and calmly to her. It was brutal- i was trying so hard to let her know that i was there for her, she could trust me, I would meet all her needs- but sometimes those needs just couldn’t be met. i had to carry her kicking and screaming onto the flight from province to guanzhou- ignoring the looks of sympathy and hostility i was getting.It was past naptime, she was tried and cranky and there just wasn’t anyway i could make her happy- she needed to sleep and that was it. In the end, I think that treating her like the 2 year old she was was the best thing I could have done. By time we got home the tantrums were gone and she is wonderfully attached. she now crosses her arms and gives me an angry “humph” when she is angry with something! I’m sure this sounds harsh to alot of you but it was what worked for us. there is a fine line between ignoring the tantrum and ignoring the child.
June 12th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Yeah, with an older child you don’t have the luxury of waiting 8 months to ignore a scream.
Twinkletoes is also older, and I’ve done similar to what you’ve done with tantrums. What ended up working for us was a “time-in” for tantrums. I’ve already had to carry her outside a few times when shopping and dining out, and she’s mostly pretty well behaved now. She is capable of throwing some whopper tantrums if she wants, but she has learned (and is still learning) that they don’t get her anywhere.
It also didn’t take as long for me to be able to recognize the various cries and screams this time. I can clearly tell the difference in mad, hurt, scared, and tired. It took a lot longer for me to figure that out with GlitterGirl – not sure if that was my lack of parenting experience or the difference in their ages.
June 12th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
It is times like these that I wish I were as eloquent as some of the posters I’ve seen on this and other websites, but in spite of that, I felt compelled to chime in on this discussion knowing that I run of risk of being blasted to smithereens for my opinion.
I, too, am the mother of a child with autism (PDD-NOS to be exact). My child has extreme sensory issues, is obsessive-compulsive, has excessive anxiety levels, has pragmatic language delays, has oppositional-defiant disorder, and is hyperactive (to name just a few of his issues). We spend tens of thousands of dollars each year on therapies for my child including behavioral therapy to deal with his behaviors. It is a never-ending job and progress is extremely slow, if at all. I try my best using every resource available to me to get him to do those things that other children seem to do so easily (i.e., hold my hand, don’t touch things, be quiet, don’t call people names, don’t snatch things from people). One comment in RQ’s post really stuck with me:
“I’m okay with her testing boundaries occasionally. As a kid, that’s her job. But there is no bickering over it, if the answer was no yesterday then don’t ask me again today.”
My child will ask incessantly for things. Over and over and over and over…..and no matter how many times you say no, he will continue to ask. It is part of his obsessive-compulsive disorder. My DH and I try so hard to be consistent and not give in to these requests (I have a Psychology degree. I know all about reinforcement and punishment theory), but after 200 times, we sometimes just throw up our hands. We are, after all, simply human.
I cannot tell you how many well-intentioned people have told me that I need to “just discipline my child better or more”. My spirit is crushed each time I hear that phrase when I know that I have done 10 times, maybe 100 times more than they ever had to do to get their child to behave.
I am not asking for your sympathy, simply your patience and understanding. It is TOUGH raising a special needs child. I have been told that for most kids a parent can get by with Parenting 101, but with a special needs child, you need Advanced Parenting.
It is quite possible that RQ’s friend simply had a brat on her hands, but maybe, just maybe, it’s more than that.
Angie
mom to Connor, 6 and Allison, 5 mos.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
connorsmom – my post is not so much about the children as it is about the parenting. But, please note that the examples I used are of children who are wired to pick up on positive and negative reinforcement. I did not use an example of children who are not.
My friend is afraid to parent, afraid to put her foot down. She lets her child run the house and she likes to pretend she is not capable of stopping her child’s behavior. I haven’t seen this friend in a very long time, but I’m told the child has now been kicked out of two private schools and is now in public school.
There is a sibling who sometimes comes to our playgroups who has downs syndrome who does not know how to play appropriately. His mother knows this and keeps an eagle eye on him and makes the attempt to teach him the proper way to behave. I have the greatest respect for this mom because she tries, and she is going about it in a way that will eventually sink in.
My friend was not interested in trying to make her daughter behave.
In your household it sounds as if you are still in charge. Your child may not always do as expected, but he is learning. You are using the parenting skills needed to head him in that direction, that’s the difference.
June 12th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
I think I am a less structured parent than you RQ but I take kindness and consideration for others extremely serious. As a Mom to boys I am used to chaos however that doesn’t have to include destruction or rude behaviors. It’s a top priority to make sure my children are respectful to those around them.
June 12th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
I originally posted this in the wrong place, sorry.
This is a very sensitive issue for many. I was fortunate in a way to have a friend of mine walk the road before me so that I saw the mistakes I did not want to make.
Her child had multiple medical problems requiring surgery, therapy and so forth over several years. She felt so guilty that rules were not enforced and the child was allowed to lash out physically as well as verbally at her parents. Her younger brother followed her example. At one point knives were involved in the lashing out.
My child also had multiple medical problems that required many hospitalizations, and a few surgeries but I maintained as much of a routine as possible and enforced rules. My son was non-verbal for part of this due to hearing issues, but hurting me was not allowed. People thought I was awful for enforcing all of these rules since he had been through so much.
Well meaning friends and families wanted to let him break rules becuse they felt bad for him. This caused much difficulty in family relationships. The end result is that my child is well mannered except for the quirks that come from being a 10 year old boy. Her children have had years of counseling to get back to a normal family life.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
I second that “Amen” a second time!
I have lots of acquaintances with poorly behaved kids. IMHO it’s, usually, not a matter of spoiling the kiddo in question, it’s lack of gumption on the part of the parent to step up and set limits.
(Yes, exceptions for behavior-disordered kids, etc. are appropriate, of course, y’all.)
Flame me all you want, folks, but I think RQ is right.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
RQ, I think most of knew you were not talking about SN children when referring to your discipline techniques. I’m tired of everyone making excuses for their ill behaved children. Yes, there are sometimes extra circumstances, but for ALOT of people, they are just plain lazy. We are in a culture that is so desperate for parents to be friends with their children, and not their parents. I have seen even my own nieces and nephews tell their parents they hate them, etc., only for their parents to say, ‘your going to get it when we get home’. And do they every, ‘get it’? No. No discipline whatsoever. Thank you for your post. It is long overdue that our society realizes truly who’s in charge!! Oh, and BTW and OTS, I’m assuming your from the south as you’ve made several posts with y’all in it. Love it!! Be careful, we might just figure out who you are one day!! LOL!!
June 16th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
I know that when I”m in a supermaket, I think it’s crazy when young kids are running around pulling things off the shelf. However, there was one day when I was shopping and I noticed my dh was with my daughter as she was trying to pull things off a shelf. We talked about it and decided that she would ride in the cart at the market through her toddler years. Now that she’s used to it, it’s pretty easy, because she has come to expect it. I’ll also add that she’s a very high energy child. I think that if you make a comittment to work with your child on something like behaving in a cart or in a restaurant, you may not see change overnight, but at some point you will see change. I think that there is a difference with special needs kids depending on the special need. I know one of my friends who is structured with his child had enormous difficulty because his child has a form of autism. I think that is a different situation.
As for the tantrum thing… I probably have a little bit of a different take than most. If there is a minor issue where my daughter starts to get upset, many times it’s easiest and best to ignore and just move on. However, during times when she gets very upset, the first thing I do is validate where she is coming from.. I basically let her know that I understand why she is upset in the best way I can and then attempt to move on. I really try to make a point of not ignoring what she is going through. The reason I do this — I really want to teach her that when someone is upset, she may be able to lend a hug or just listen. When she moves on to elementary school someday and there is a kid crying in the corner, maybe she’ll go over and hold their hand and not ignore. I don’t know if this works for every kid… my daughter can get upset easily, but she also moves past it pretty quick. I think everyone needs to handle these things with what feels right to them and how their child best responds.
The one thing I will say is that I do think it’s our responsibility as parents to help our children learn to behave and adapt to the environment they are in. Some kids are harder to teach than others in this area. However, I give credit to the parents who at least make a big effort to teach their children how to behave.