Who holds the baby?
The attachment books and sites all say that no one but the parents should hold the baby, and they all give a variety of times for this.
With GlitterGirl no one held her but us for a long time. Maybe six months? I don’t remember exactly, but it was a long time. My parents probably did before then, but no one else did. And I think she absolutely needed that. She was pretty young when we brought her home, and anxiously attached. We let other family members play with her during that time, but she was on our lap or sitting on the floor leaning up against us.
TwinkleToes is older. She sees her big sister all over my parents and she wants to do that, too. In this case I think we’d cause problems by not letting her be as close to those family members as her sister is. Plus, she’s walking and doesn’t really want to be carried around, so she can go to whoever she wants.
She knows who gives her food and bottles, and who changes her diaper, and who puts her shoes on, though. There is no doubt at all that she knows who mommy and daddy are, and that we are the ones who meet her needs.
I always second guess myself when I go against the “recommendations” that are out there. I don’t do it lightly, and I try to educate myself on why those recommendations are there so I know for sure if it’s really okay for us to go against them. I think in this case we are okay with her going to other family members that her sister is really close to – she likes to do what her sister does and I think we’d cause other problems by doing otherwise.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:17 am
good for you! you have to do what is right for your family. I think all the experts provide valuable information but some adjustment to individaul situations has to happen. I am single and my parents and babysitter are vital members of the family. I felt it was important for both girls to learn these were people we loved and trusted. Mommy might be the center of the world but we have a safe nest around us and there are many sticks that support that nest!
June 18th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
That totally makes sense to me. Doing what feels right is important. I understand how you second guess yourself when going in a different direction than the “experts”. I do that all the time too. But, you know your child and I”m sure you can sense how attachment is going. There is a lot of instinct involved in that. It sounds like TT is getting to enjoy the same things and people as GG, which is really nice. I’m actually really close to my parents and wondered because they are so much a part of our lives how we will handle the attachment period. I will probably see how it goes… My parents are cool with anything and totally understand if we have a situation where they have to be hands off for awhile.
June 19th, 2007 at 6:26 am
I think this makes a lot of sense. I recently attended a holly van gulden seminar and she talked of the pyramid where by the child needs to have a comfort zone of just a couple of people. I think TT zone is probably whoever her big sis is comfortable with so I would stick with that and not worry.
June 19th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
I will admit that 7 years ago when we were surprised with the super-fast placement of our son that we had no clue about a lot of the recommended adoption advice. While it was not like he was constantly passed around, we just were not educated about having only mom and dad hold him.
At the “ripe old age” of 7.5, he is a well-adjusted, well-attached lovable boy. We plan to do a better job with our next kids of following the expert advice that we have learned about, but we’re also not going to freak out if others hold them. I think the important part is to pay attention to the child and play off of their cues.
clem
June 21st, 2007 at 3:00 pm
I read all the “expert advice” too, and then I read my daughter’s cues. She was pretty securely attached to our immediate family by the time we were home from China. And at 12 months, she was quite capable of letting us know who she wanted to go to, and who she didn’t, so we basically let her decide.
I think that “mom and dad only” thing is more important for kids who struggle with attachment, which is VERY COMMON for adopted kids, but not universal. For our daughter – and clem’s son, and TT from the sounds of things – it just wasn’t a problem. Good to be aware of the issues and what the “experts” say, but you need to parent YOUR child, not “an adopted kid in general”.