Tantrums & fits & meltdowns, Oh MY!
How many times have I heard parents say “you can’t stop a tantrum once it starts”. Usually given as a reason that they aren’t trying to intervene.
While I do occasionally have luck stopping a tantrum once it has started, it’s not something that you can always do. It’s true that once it starts it can take on a life all it’s own. But I don’t believe that means RK and I are helpless, either. As I’ve said before, if you ask yourself “who’s in charge here” and you realize you are not, it’s time to do something.
The first time I pointed out during a GG fit that if this continued X would happen the fit just got worse. But after about the fifth time this happened the fit sometimes stopped. She had to see the consequence a few times in order for the warning to mean anything. And I have to give the warning in about the first ten seconds of the fit, beyond that and there isn’t much hope. (More on the types of consequences I use later, they are logical consequences though, which I think is important in this case.)
I agree that the best plan of action is to keep it from starting. I have to give them a reason to not pitch it in the first place. TwinkleToes is going to pitch them until she learns not to. I have to help her learn not to, just as I had to teach (and am still teaching) GlitterGirl not to. It is while they are pitching them and immediately after it is over that I have the perfect opportunity to make my point that this is not a good idea.
I may walk away from a fit at home, but I’d never do that in public where others are being subjected to it. And if I’m going to react to it, I need to make sure they don’t like my reaction.
If someone pitches a fit in a public place, we leave until they have regained control. I’ve talked before about taking GlitterGirl outside while shopping and facing the stroller towards the wall and calmly filing my nails until she was done. That wasn’t much fun for her, so she didn’t repeat it too many times.
Recently, TwinkleToes got mad in a restaurant and started screaming to get her way. She and I went outside where I stood her facing towards a wall until she was done. She stood there about ten very long minutes while she screamed and I sat on the concrete behind her holding her around her rib cage with my hands. When she was done we went back inside. Five minutes later she started again and back out we went. This time she only faced the wall about two minutes before calming down and we then went back inside. Much later, while we were waiting for the check, she started again. Not full blast, she had just taken the big breath and screwed her face up but the volume wasn’t there yet, I reached for her as I moved to get up and she remembered and immediately straightened up. We’ve eaten out once since then and I requested a table as close to the door as possible (faster escape with less people staring as you take a screaming baby outside), but it turns out that she did fine with no fits. (For clarification, I’m not talking about a meltdown here, I’m talking about an “I’m mad and you are going to give me my way and if you don’t I’ll scream” fit – I’d react differently for a meltdown fit, we’d still go outside but she would sit on my lap or lay in my arms until she calmed down).
As GlitterGirl has gotten older I’ve added things. Whatever caused the fit just doesn’t happen again for a long time. So, if she pitches a fit because we have to leave the playground then it may be a couple of months before we go back to the playground again. And every time I decide not to go, I say in a sad voice “we could go to the playground if it didn’t upset you so much, but I don’t want to see you get so upset that we have to leave, so we can’t go”. This worked great as early as about 2.5, though back then it was only for a week or so. As she’s gotten older the time frame has had to grow in order for her to care that it won’t happen for a while.
Once she pitched a fit because it was time to turn the TV off. So she went a month without TV because I didn’t want her to get upset when it was time to turn it off. (Not sure how I’ll do that with two kids, it won’t be fair that one can’t watch it because of the other’s fit, will have to work on that.)
Most recently she pitched a huge Drama Fit because I put her ponytail in higher than she wanted it on that particular day. I haven’t put her hair in a ponytail since. Not that this has stopped the drama, now there is drama because she can’t make it look right. But it’s not a Drama Fit. And she hasn’t used that tone of voice with me since, either. Though I’m sure that’s not the last I’ve heard of that tone of voice, I have made my point that I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way. She knows that she could have just asked me to put it in lower and I would have, the meltdown and rude talk about it was pretty counterproductive.
When she gets to do something again after a long time of not being able to we have a conversation about it. Do you think you have enough control of yourself to watch one show and not be upset that we have to turn the TV off after it is over? Do you think you are old enough now to not get upset when it’s time to leave the playground? I guess we can give it a try and see how it goes.
The other thing I try to do is not set them up for failure. As a parent, it is our job to know what our kids can and cannot handle. At four GlitterGirl could sit in my lap and talk for 20 or so minutes, but anything that required her to sit quietly longer than that without entertainment or food wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t expect her to do it because I knew she could not. When she was four we were invited to a birthday party for someone who had turned 90. This was a grown up function and it was planned to last for about four hours. We wanted to be there for the beginning and end, but I had concerns about requiring GlitterGirl to sit quietly for that long. There was a playground not far from where it was held, so the plan from the beginning was for the family to go and then GlitterGirl and I would leave during part of it to go play on the playground while DH stayed. As it turned out we made two trips of about 40 minutes or so to the playground, and this combined with the time spent eating worked out well. We got lots of compliments on how well behaved she was.
There are going to be tantrums. Kids have to learn how to regulate their emotions, plus they will experiment with how they might best be able to get their way. So, I try to give them the tools to help regulate emotion, and I make sure that pitching a tantrum not only does not get them their way but also makes something undesirable happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my kids never pitch fits. GlitterGirl is a really big Drama Queen. It’s not so much a tantrum anymore as it is just lots and lots of Drama. And she can turn the tears on and off at will, you can’t judge if it is fake or not based on the absence or presence of tears. In spite of the fact that this never gets her anywhere, we still see it way more than I think we should. I can’t imagine how often we’d see it if we ever actually buckled and let her have her way.
TwinkleToes acts like tantrums must have gotten a positive response in the orphanage. And maybe they did. She has a pretty violent and scary temper for such a little thing, but we’re working our way through it. She’s learning that we don’t consider that behavior appropriate, and even more so, she’s learning it doesn’t get her anywhere. She has learned a sweet smile and the sign for please will get her just about anything. Now if she can just remember that before she launches into a tantrum, we’ll have it made.
June 30th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I completely agree with the sentiment, I have an 18 month old just beginning to exhibit that “I must have my way thing”. I just wonder if 18 months is to young for them to “get it” although, if they are old enough to pitch a fit with intent (and it is intent and not a meltdown) then logic follows they are old enough to be corrected. Perhaps a time in……………
July 1st, 2007 at 1:33 am
Hey, RQ, it sounds like both your girls are exceptionally bright. I have a toddler with a very strong personality. For the most part I try not to set her up for failure. I try to be organized and structured in what I do. However, if it’s a time when she wants to throw a tantrum, she will. I’ve had the leaving the playground tantrum. At her stage I think what she is really upset about it is not having time to process closure. So, I try to give her advance warning and talk about leaving. For other types of tantrums, I actually do verbally validate what she is upset about, but don’t give in. The hardest thing right now is the please sign. She knows how to do the please sign and gives it at times. However, there are plenty of times where I won’t give her what she is looking for until I get the sign. But, sometimes this can turn negative and become a battle of strong wills — hers and mine. If she has a tantrum in a public place, we immediately leave.
Going crazy to get your way in society isn’t always too productive and definitely not polite. However, I definitely do not want to totally shut her down. I was a female manager in a male dominated newsroom and I needed my voice and sometimes it needed to be strong. There was an interesting article I read about how when girls are loud it is much more disturbing simply because girls are sterotypically supposed to be nice and quiet.
Tantrums are definitely not fun. As I sit here while my little one is fast asleep and think about tantrums, I think they can have a lot to do with the feeling (from a child’s perspective) of not having control.
RQ — I like your perspective on the matter. Sounds like you have really interesting girls that keep you busy.
July 1st, 2007 at 7:44 am
Has anyone tried Love and Logic? It’s about sharing control and giving choices. We love it and use it with our kids. I started it when my youngest was 18 months old. When she would throw a fit in the house I would say, “Do you want to go to your room or be fun?” I would say it a few more times and if she didn’t stop…off to her room I took her. And at her young age I would sit in there with her until she was ready to be “fun.” Now, at three, if she throws a fit I give her the same choice, but she sits in her room by herself and comes out when she is smiling again. And of course we talk and she has to apologize to anyone her fit affected. I love talking about kids and the different ways of parenting it helps me get new ideas. Thanks RQ.:)
July 1st, 2007 at 7:49 am
When we talk about it later I also validate what she was upset about, but make it clear that her reaction was not acceptable “I understand you were upset because that is not how you wanted your hair to look, but pitching a fit about it it not acceptable. You could have either let me know ahead of time you wanted it lower than I’ve been putting it in, or after it was in you could have asked if I could please put it in a little bit lower.”
And yes, letting GG know ahead of time how long something will last is a must. But even then, there can be problems when it is over.
In a male dominated workplace I have learned that when I get upset I need to lower my voice and speak very slow in order to successfully get across the idea that I’m upset and still be taken seriously. At home I generally raise my voice and talk fast, but that does not work at work.
And yes, I think that most tantrums are about control. Some are a way to try to get their way, others are just what they do when they lose control of their own feelings and emotions.
Ironically, after saying GG hadn’t pitched a tantrum type fit in a long time, we got a doozy of one last night. So bad I had to hold her in a time in for about ten minutes to keep her from hurting herself. And all because she could not make her hearts look as good as mine. I think she is starting to stress a bit about a new school year already, it hadn’t been that long since RK and I mentioned tomorrow is July and school starts back in August and where is the summer going. I can’t very well tell her no more writing and drawing, the logical consequence this time will be that she’ll need to lay down and take a nap with her sister today since she pitched the fit last night.
July 1st, 2007 at 7:55 am
wnderwfe – Excellent game plan!!
What do you do when a fit starts in a store?
July 1st, 2007 at 9:23 am
wnderwfe-That’s similar to my at home policy. You can whine or throw a fit in your room and your room only and you can rejoin the family when you have calmed down and can be pleasant. Of course, there are times I wouldn’t leave her in there alone (and wouldn’t have at all when younger), but for the usual whining or 5 yr old fit it works well.
July 1st, 2007 at 9:55 am
It would have never worked for GlitterGirl, her tantrums were too out of control, with her thrashing around banging her head on things and pulling her hair out and scratching herself. She had to be restrained in some way (hasn’t had to be for a while, but did last night, otherwise I’d think maybe she’s ready for that).
But, I’m thinking that may work for TT’s fits when she’s a bit older.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:53 am
One thing that has really worked well for me (as stepmother to an 11 year old, and elementary school teacher) is to practice AT A CALM TIME what to do when you are upset. Practice several times on different occasions so that kids have a plan of action for when they would regularly exhibit the negative behavior. Then when the behavior starts, you can quickly remind them of their action plan…it might be to hit a pillow, dance to music that they love until they calm down, take a break and get a drink of water, etc. I have found that it really helps to teach a replacement behavior for the negative behavior. Otherwise, kids have lots of trouble changing patterns (and so do adults). For example, when my stepdaughter was 5, she had a huge problem with going to the store and begging and whining to get something that would catch her eye. Before we would go to the store, we would practice at home, and I’d tell her that we weren’t going to buy anything; we were just going to be “lookie-loos.” We would say, “oh well” everytime we saw something great, or “maybe for Christmas.” It worked wonders, and all I had to say from then on was “we’re only lookie-loos today.” Anyway, that’s my two cents worth! You are really on top of things with your girls, RQ. I love reading about your adventures!
July 2nd, 2007 at 3:28 pm
For tantrums out in public it’s a touchy situation. I absolutely hate in public fits. I’ve tried just ignoring. But I think the most sucsess I’ve had is by from the start giving choices. Like “Do you want to sit in the front of the buggy or the back?” “Do you want to hold my hand or hold onto the stroller?” If a tantrum is already in progress….I really like your approach to having them face a wall and cry it out. I guess then my choice would be.. “Do you want to be fun or do we need to go outside for a while.”
If it’s a chronic,everytime we go out, fit then I would call in recruits. Call a friend and have them on stand by while your at the store. If a fit starts up then give the choice of “DO you want to be fun or go to your room?” If her choice is to not be fun, call the friend to come pick up your child and take them to her room. I think this would only work with an older child though.