Sibling Stuff
GlitterGirl seems to have hit some sort of wall with the whole sharing her parents thing.
She picks at her sister. She makes her cry (taunts her, takes things from her, but no hitting thank goodness). She makes up these imaginary (silly) rules about what her sister is allowed to touch and is not, and tries to get her in trouble for not following them. She tattles on her for everything, even stuff it’s okay for her to be doing. When I tell TT to do something (come here) GG tells her to do something else (go get your shoes). I find myself having to fuss and reprimand way too much.
She complains that her sister gets stuff she doesn’t get (little baby floaty thing for the pool, bottle with formula in it, special time with me when I’m changing her diaper). It doesn’t matter that GG has flippers and balls and floats and TT only has her floaty thing. It doesn’t matter that GG gets an apple after lunch and TT does not. It doesn’t matter that I spent 30 minutes putting lotion on GG the other night and only ten minutes putting it on TT.
I’ve pointed out to her all of the things she gets to do that her sister does not. Things her sister is not old enough to do. And there is a lot of it. She refuses to take that into consideration, either.
I have spent time alone with GlitterGirl. I’ve had RK spend time alone with GlitterGirl. We’ve taken turns with TT so the other parent can give GG their undivided attention. I’ve done cool projects with GG when TT is napping.
I need to be understanding about her feelings without allowing her to dictate things. I need to find a way to validate them without agreeing with all of them. It is becoming obvious to me that she is trying to use the situation to dictate things. It is beginning to reach into some kind of control issue with her. And I’m not dealing well with that. Two weeks ago it was the beginnings of a problem, this week it’s a full blown problem.
I’m not going to write down every minute I spend with both girls and make sure it is exactly even. I’m not going to allow anyone to make me feel like I have to do that, either. I will be there for GG when she needs me, and I’ll be there for TT when she needs me. And I will love them both. And I will do age appropriate things with both of them that may or may not be exactly the same. And that’s going to have to be enough.
Only right now it doesn’t seem to be. And since it’s not, I have to figure something out.
I’m ready to do something drastic, like wake up one weekend morning and treat both of them exactly alike all day long. Bottle for both of them. Food exactly the same. Toys exactly the same. Playtime, snacks, nap. Everything, all day, exactly the same. GG follows TT’s “baby” schedule to a tee. Probably not a good idea, but it’s pretty tempting at this point.
Somehow, I need to get GlitterGirl out of the frame of mind where she is questioning her status in the family. My trying to prove/convince that she is getting as much or more time/things/resources is not doing it. In fact, it is somehow validating that there should be some kind of scorecard. Which seems to be counterproductive.
Spending more alone time with her just gives her a reason to complain even more that she isn’t getting enough time (because she complained and got more time without TT around, so maybe she can complain some more and get even more time).
I’m sure there is a better solution. I just have to think of it.
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:20 pm
when we first came home the big sister (5) had a very hard time with the idea that she went to daycare everyday and the baby was only going 3 days a week. She didn’t care that when she was first home (a baby) she also only went to daycare 3x week. I started letting the big sister pick a day a month where she could stay home while the baby was at daycare and we could do big girl stuff, like painting pottery and going out to lunch. We would ciclr the day on the calender and then, all month, when she was upset about me giving the baby any “extra” time I would refer her to the calender “remember- we are going to have our big girl day on….- do you want to give that up for the extra 5 minutes at bedtime 9 or whatever the silly issue) that you sister is getting now?” the answer was always no. I knew we had made it over the hump when, after a about 5 months home, she had trouble picking a day because she didn’t want to miss some an acitvity at daycare (monday is art, weds is show and tell, etc) I knew we were OK when getting extra time with mommy lost out to show and tell! Now, after 8 months home there is still the occasional whine but things are much better. Being a big sister myself I tend to not pay too much attention to the whole thing now. I consider it normal sister stuff they will deal with, up and down forever.
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:31 pm
oh- something else that really worked for me- when the big sister was feeling ‘unloved’ I told her that no matter what she would always be special that, after all, SHE made me a Mommy. Before she came along I was just a lady, I needed her to be a Mommy. For some reason this was very powerful to her and she has repeated it several times, almost as if to reassure herself of her special place in my life.
July 2nd, 2007 at 11:29 pm
Thanks so much for sharing this issue. I know when my little one gets a sibling someday that I’ll be going through the same thing. My little one is very strong minded. It’s interesting to hear what is probably coming down the road for us.
Oh my gosh… it sounds like you are handling this incredibly well. Even though I don’t have two kids yet, it sounds like something that will get better over time. Of course I always laugh when people say that to me because when you’re in it, it feels like it will last forever. :)
You obviously work really hard to give each of them special time with you. I do wonder if by pointing the instances out a lot to GG if she just runs with it all and keeps “score” as if it were a game. Keep us posted on what happens.
Also, if you have a day where everything is the same for both, you’ll have to let us know. I think the main message, for many kids, would go right over their heads. I think GG is a different story.. I bet she would get the point.
Hope you have a good day tomorrow.
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:54 am
I can only speak from the experience of myself, and then my nephew and neice cause I only have 1 little one. I distinctly remember when my sister was born (2.5 yrs after me) being told I was no longer the baby, and I was the big sister and how this was a great thing, except it didn’t feel so great to little ole me. So when my brother was expecting his second, I said make sure nephew knows he is still the “baby”. Let him decide and give him his time for as long as he needs it. When they knw they can have it they need it less. And that special time really makes a difference. Those 2 are as close as 2 peas in a pod, 11 years later. GG needs to know she still counts just as much. I also know that us humans like control, we can’t always have it but we sure do like it. So GG needs to feel she has some control. I don’t know her age, but I do like the special time thing. Perhaps a discussion about one on one time, and a “secret” word to let you know she is in need of some extra TLC and an agreement as long as TTs immediate needs are dealt with she is absolutely next, a time in for both you and GG. Just some ramblins…………..
July 3rd, 2007 at 10:02 am
I believe you are correct in thinking that GG feels like she is being somehow “bumped” by TT. I aslo think you need to validate her feelings, BUT… One of the most important things I have read about raising kids ( I have an 11 and 5 yo) is that they need to learn that life is not always fare. It just isn’t. Sometimes GG will get to do special things and sometimes TT will get to do special stuff. You seem to have a nack for nipping things in the bud. I have no doubt you will figure out this one as well!
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:20 am
I HIGHLY recommend the book “Siblings Without Rivalry” – I have three girls and read it last summer while awaiting referral for the third. I wish I had read it when our second was an infant. I’m a school psychologist and I guess I though with all my training MY kids wouldn’t have any significant sibling issues (LOL)! The same authors also wrote “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk,” which is also awesome. These books really changed the way my kids and I interact – for the better.
July 3rd, 2007 at 3:47 pm
My oldest daughter really loved reading “Julius, Baby of the World” – because she felt a lot like the big sister. It does get better. We are at 6 months home and big sis (now 5) “usually” doesn’t complain. But she has moments and you are right – you just can’t make things equal. We spend 1-on-1 time after little sis goes to bed (usually 45 min to an hour) where I’ll play games with her (with little pieces that we can’t play when mei mei is awake) and we’ll read books. We still have times where I’ll ask jie jie to give a toy to mei mei and she’ll get all upset about it not being fair and they she doesn’t like mei mei. I’ve had to remember to give more hugs and cuddles to jie jie these days.