She’s just my daughter
A few times on APC someone has made the comment that they don’t see their child as Chinese, or sometimes it is worded that they forget she is Chinese. I think that what they are trying to say is that they just see her as their daughter, not their Chinese daughter. But invariably a flame fest ensues where the original poster is pretty well put in their place.
I’ve felt the same way. I “forget” that she’s Chinese. Not in the sense that I can’t remember, just that I don’t see her as anything other than my daughter.
She’s my daughter and I see her, not her ethnicity.
But then sometimes the lens changes just enough to remind me that others are going to look at her and see her ethnicity.
Both girls slept good last night after yesterday’s fun. This morning GlitterGirl did not want to wake up. And as I pushed the hair out of her face to give her some wake-up kisses, I had one of those moments. Still asleep, tousled hair, completely relaxed – she looked just enough different from her normal awake self to give me that jolt. A reminder of what others see when they look at her.
Those moments just remind me that I need to make sure I am preparing her for a world where many people will see her as different.
Right now preparing her means I need to make her feel good about being Chinese and American. And I need to start laying the groundwork for her to figure out what that means. This year as we talked about the Constitution (and Bill of Rights) we had some discussion about China’s form of government as well. That was a difficult conversation. The details of which will need to go in another post.
July 5th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Good post. I think about this all time time, and it even catches me off-guard now when people ask where she is from. What do they mean? When AP friends told me that I would sometimes forget that she is adopted, I laughed. How could I forget? But I do. I need to keep reminding myself that it’s not about how I feel, it’s about how she feels. And she will know that she looks different. Plain and simple — she will. And I need to prepare her for that.
July 5th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
I am a split personality it seems, I never forget she is adopted, yet at the same time she is exactly the child I waited so long for. I look at her and think if I had given birth to her that is exactly what I would of expected her to look like, yet I know that is impossible. I live in an area where I actually do not get many questions. In fact when we are out and about, like at mommy and me, I tend to bring bits and pieces up and people comment it didn’t occur to us, we just thought your husband was Asian. I forget which book I read it in but someone said those who chose transracial adoption are in your face honest and that sums me up to a tee.
Missy is so accepted when I bring up that someday someone she is datings parents my be shocked when she shows up for dinner, they all look at me as if I’m crazy. We all love her to death but I hope I get it and will be able to give her the comfort to live in both worlds. To me it became apparent on the plane from NY to Beijing, when the stewardess spoke English to us and Chinese to Asian gentleman seated next to us. Someday someone will make assumptions based on her looks. I hope I never forget that lesson, yet I do not dwell on it. If we dwell, they dwell. If we fear, they fear. So I hope to give her the tools to sort of plow through.
July 7th, 2007 at 9:06 am
I *so* very much appreciate this site. We’ve had our dd home a couple of months now (and we have other children) and you’ve already hit on several topics that have been exactly what we’ve been experiencing. Thank you so much!
I shared the post with my husband last night. Ironically, he said this was just what he had been thinking about. We, too, see our daughter for who she is and not only her ethnicity. But, you’re right, I need to help her prepare for whatever others might think.
I look forward to GG and TT every day!