The not-so-rosy part
There are still no rumors, so I’d like to take this opportunity to talk a little about expectations.
I’ve read blogs of people who are home and who are miserable.
I’ve read about recent disruptions.
And I’ve read posts from people on various groups and blogs that talk about their new child as if they really think the child hates them, and some of them sound like they are starting to hate their child.
So I feel I need to talk a little bit about what happens when you finally get this screaming little baby placed in your arms.
This is not a newborn. It’s a child who already has a personality, one that you get to try to figure out. It’s a child who has been ripped from all she knows: the people who have cared for her and kept her alive, and the language she has been able to understand even if she couldn’t speak it. The food she is used to. The other kids. Her schedule. Her crib. Her cribmate.
It’s all gone, and she’s with these people she’s never seen before and she can’t understand what is being said and the food is different. Scared and grieving does not even begin to describe things. Some babies just completely shut down and appear to be autistic, but after three or four days they start coming around and you begin to see the real child. It can take weeks (or months) for the grieving to stop, but after several days you should begin to see little pieces of their personality. Some children have different survival mechanisms and you’ll immediately see a little bubbly personality, this does not mean there is no grief, it could just mean that their survival instincts are telling them to be cute and lovable.
We all know this transition to a family is for the best in the long run, but all the child knows is how they feel right now, and they are scared and mad and grieving. Some move through it faster than others. Some seem to move through it in China and then backtrack once they are home. Some show their bubbly personality in China and then show the grief in America (or whatever country they are going to).
When you are in China they still hear Chinese in the restaurants and out on the street. And they still get some Chinese food. And the unique smells of China are still there.
But once you are home everything familiar to them is gone. By then you’ve probably switched them to American formula, they likely aren’t getting congee every morning now that it’s not on a buffet anymore, you probably can’t make steamed eggs exactly like they were in China. The smells are different, and no one is speaking Chinese anymore.
They might be able to keep their minds off of that during the day, when they are active and there is much to keep them occupied. But when their mind starts quieting down to go to sleep it all comes back, and there is still grief. So some babies just don’t go to sleep. Combine this with jet lag and it’s really not fun.
There will also be control issues that come up. Even with a 9 or 10 month old baby, they will try to gain control of something, anything, so they don’t feel so out of control. Maybe you can let them have it in some instances, but in others you’ll need to make sure you remain in control. Follow your instincts on this one - they need boundaries in order to feel safe, but letting them have some little piece of control may also help them. How do you know when it’s best to give in and when it’s best to be the parent? You just fly by the seat of your pants and hope you get it right.
My point here is that you have been waiting for this child for a really long time. But she knows nothing about you. She is scared and will act in ways you cannot currently imagine that a little 15 or 20 pound baby could possibly act.
I can remember getting so upset with my big girl when she was a toddler and into everything. I’d just pick her up and take her outside and put her in her swing and push her in it for a really long time. Before long we were both laughing and having fun. It worked for us.
Sometimes, when she was into everything, I’d load her up and take her to the park with a few toys and put a blanket down on the ground and then let her play that way. She only had the handful of toys I brought, and all I had to do was make sure she didn’t put rocks or bugs or anything in her mouth (because of her sensory issues she wouldn’t touch such things with her hands, but she had no problems picking them up in her mouth). She never wanted to wander far from me when we were in public, so this worked out well since I didn’t have to worry about her running off.
So many times I just realized we were into a pattern of her doing something and me correcting her, and I just needed to do something to break the pattern.
I also put her in her highchair with fingerfoods and rolled the highchair into the bathroom and took a shower. We put a clear shower curtain up so she could see me and so I could keep an eye on her.
My big girl was terrified of being alone. Even today, unless she is asleep she is rarely in a room by herself. But when we were first home with her, before I went back to work, this meant she and I were together 24 hours a day, every single day (she slept in our room, too, back then). Once my husband was home she expected us to all stay in the same room together, and for those first months, she ran the show when it came to things like that.
I see people who are talking about how happy their child is going to be to finally get a family. And that just isn’t the way it works. I see a lot of people setting themselves up for problems by having expectations that just aren’t very likely to happen.
Please, take this time to read about attachment. Not just attachment issues, but attachment in general - how attachment happens, red flags that attachment may not be happening, and ideas for how to foster attachment.
Also read about sensory issues and other things that may pop up in post-institutionalized babies and children. Please understand that if you have the “What to expect the first year” book that your 10 month old baby may not be doing what your book says a four month old baby should be doing. This is completely normal, and most children catch up at an amazing speed. The rule of thumb I’ve always heard is that babies develop one month for every three months they are institutionalized - so a nine month old baby will have the developmental skills of a three month old, an 18 month old baby may only have the developmental skills of a 6 month old. If they are in foster care or a HTS orphanage then they will likely be farther along.
Understand that your child may have been strapped into a potty chair for hours a day, and laid in the crib for most of the rest of the day. Of course they are not going to have the developmental skills appropriate for their age.
Understand that your baby may have been gravity fed and may have never learned how to suck. She may not be capable of drinking from a normal bottle. You may spend months just getting her to the point that she can suck from a bottle - and those sucking muscles are important before she can learn to talk, it’s all related.
And please understand that this is why Half the Sky is my favorite charity. If your child is from a Half the Sky orphanage then the odds are that they will be very close to being on target developmentally, and that they will not have sensory issues. There are still a lot of other things that can pop up, but these two things should be on target.
I’m not saying the first couple of months are going to be all bad. There will be wonderful moments, too. But I am hoping to get the point across that you need to be prepared for some difficult times. No matter how frustrated you are, at least you know what is going on. It’s your job to comfort this child when she is scared and grieving and screaming her little head off from 11:00 at night until 4:00 in the morning almost non stop. It’s your job to make her (or him) feel safe and loved. And that is not always an easy thing to do.
November 14th, 2006 at 11:47 am
Thank you for posting on this subject. We had some wonderful times in our first months at home but it was also very difficult. All of a sudden I had a year old child that had her own mind. She did not want me to leave her sight and taking a shower was definitely a luxury I did not get to indulge in every day. With a newborn, they often sleep longer so that gives you more time than a toddler whose whole time schedule is turned upside down and may not be sleeping very much, especially at night.
I have talked to many families that did not think to read books on raising a toddler and attachment. They read all the books on China and adoption but then were not ready to jump into the reality of having a toddler and not all things are always rosy.
I think the best thing you can do is be prepared for any circumstance and then you can be the best parent you can be. It’s definitely a time when your child’s needs are going to be first and foremost in your mind (and maybe all that you can concentrate on) While you are waiting, do what you can to prepare yourself.
D
November 14th, 2006 at 11:55 am
RQ, your advice is straight-forward and right on. When I brought out daughter home at 15 months old, people kept asking me how she was adapting? The truth of the matter was that I had trouble adapting. It took me a few months to get used to having a toddler around, one who touched everything, has high energy levels, and never wanted to leave my side. You can’t go into adoption without being flexible. This is not the same thing as bringing home a sleeping newborn. Flexibility, humor and help from family and friends are much needed to help with the adjustment.
One more note for new parents: You will get through the adjustment period. Just keep thinking about all of us parents going back for baby #2.
November 14th, 2006 at 11:58 am
Thank you, RQ, for this post. I was just trying to explain all of this to my father when we were talking about visiting on the way home from China, but he didn’t really believe it had the possibility of being too bad. He said, “we’ll treat her like a regular baby!” It was VERY frustrating since we had even mentioned this to him before, so I’m going to copy this post and sent it to him becasue it states everything clearly and in one place. Even though you don’t really know exactly how it’s going to be, I feel we need to prepare him because he doesn’t really get it yet. But I did already tell him that we were staying in a hotel and not at his house, because it’s just too noisy and chaotic at his place, with the phones ringing all the time (turned up LOUD so they can hear it) and people knocking on the door to visit all the time, so maybe he will start to understand.
November 14th, 2006 at 11:59 am
I could not agree with you more, on this topic.
I have seen an alarming trend on many of the boards I read. There appears to be a somewhat large group of waiting parents that went with China because, for lack of a better phrase, it was a “get a baby quick scheme”. In other words, they wanted a child and “any” child (baby) would do.
I have to wonder if these families really thought about what it would mean to adopt a child from China, or any other orphanage situation. This is compounded by agencies that, during informational meetings, paint a very rosy picture (not all do this).
I know that sounds really ugly when it’s typed out, but it is what I’m seeing (certainly that doesn’t apply to ALL parents….I’d be saying it about myself, if that was true).
I’m not sure what the solution is, but I will say this: I believe that there is a difference between people that KNOW their child is in China, and those that yearn for a baby and China is the “easiest” way to get one. I am NOT saying that it’s wrong to adopt from China for the second reason. I am saying that reason may make it more likely that the new parents could be overwhelmed by “problems”…….things aren’t what they imagined.
The solution - take RQ’s advice and educate yourself in attachment issues. You will have them, to some degree. There will, most likely, not be a “happy ever after” moment in China: where your child is placed in your arms, you look into each other’s eyes and “know” you belong to each other, and ride off into the sunset. Could that happen? Maybe, but it probably won’t. Educate yourself now. Understand what sensory issues are about. Be clear on what to expect.
As the mother of a former preemie that had significant developmental delays and sensory problems, I know how unbelieveably frustrating it can be. I can also tell you that education is your best tool.
November 14th, 2006 at 11:59 am
Thanks very much.
I am reading a book on attachment, and it’s already helpful, even though I’m less than 100 pages into it.
I was trying to explain attachment to someone last week (a parent, but not an adoptive parent) - he said, “oh, it’ll be fine; children are so resilient”. He didn’t get it at all!
I’m a little concerned that my DH and in-laws have unrealistic expectations. My DH has promised that he’ll read the books I read and I’m hoping we also get to an adoptive parenting seminar or two.
Thanks again for your valuable insights.
Jackie
LID May 2006
November 14th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
Thank you so much RQ for posting this. I don’t have time to read it now, but I will later. This is something i am a little worried about lately.
Does anyone know of any really good books, etc. on this issue. I have read some, but really want a good reommendation.
Jackie - what book are you reading currently - you said it was good.
Thanks
November 14th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
RQ -
Thanks for bringing this up and for sharing your experiences with us. It’s not easy to think about the “Not so Rosy” part of this experience but it’s so important that we all educate ourselves about attachment & bonding. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
I say ‘Bring it on’! I can’t wait to have her in my arms and spend the following years teaching learn to trust, love and to have a high self image. Parenting is not an easy job, it is constantly changing and not always ‘fun’. But I can’t think of a more rewarding or desired place to be.
Even with a bio children we should be reading all we can about their development, health and social needs. At almost 11 my son continually surprises me. Some days I wonder how people with more children do it!
Your point about keeping busy during the wait is so important. With a March LID I have been saddened by the growing wait since we started paper chasing last October. I keep my spirits up by focusing on what I CAN DO during the wait.
Maybe when you have a sleep over again you could have the topic. “How to keep from going crazy during the wait, besides hitting refresh on RQ”
Mine- Clean closets
Focus on the holidays: bake extra cookies and
perfect your wrapping skills.
Throw a party
Focus on the family you have close at hand - do
something extra special for your hubby or other children
I’m going to scrap book my son’s 11 years starting the
new year! How far do you think I’ll get?
Lynn - Waiting for Hope - Literally LID 3/22/06
RQ - Rules!
November 14th, 2006 at 12:04 pm
As hard as this prolonged wait has been, I am somewhat grateful for it. I have had more time to prepare myself for what lies ahead…..reading books on attachement, ingesting ever morsel of information on the attachment website linked here and talking with other a-parents about their experiences have all been very helpful.
My expectations are no longer of the happily ever after kind. I feel better equipped for what lies ahead and for that I am grateful.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Ironically, when we took our cultural class for international adoption over 18 months ago, we were gung-ho and thinking about all the things you have mentioned. We were diligent about reading books and talking about all of these issues. I listened to Chinese language CDs in the car (where the heck are they now?) Unfortunately, as the time has lengthened, we have gotten lax. We wish we could take that two day class again. We have to dust off the books and read them once or twice more. Somehow, because there is that little one who is not dreaming about us, like we are dreaming about her, we have to get that momentum back and do our best to be prepared for her. I am sure many of us have made all sorts of declarations of love and intent for the child we will be receiving, but this makes me realize, now more than ever, it is not just about the intent of providing a family or becoming a family, or even love. It is about respecting your child and doing what is best for her to acclimate to a whole new world.
Thank you for this reminder.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
great issue to bring up. thanks!
part of our adoption/parenting classes was about attachment. part of the classes had moments with parents who had BTDT talking about their experiences. some not good, some okay, some wonderful.
we’re first time parents here so believe me we’ve been reading and talking to other parents who’ve adopted from China already. While this is a great thing to do…reading and talking with other APs, the main thing we’ve done was to Listen. Listen to what’s being said and understand.
my take on it kind of goes back to the discussion we all had here about the wait…and about our children’s ages, etc
do not expect anything. while it’s normal and good to have the ideas, visions, and dreams of how family life with this child is going to be…that’s all they are. playing scenes over and over in our minds until we feel that they will actually happen is only setting ourselves up for disappointment, frustration, and bad bad situations.
I appreciate and am glad to be able to read everyone’s posts on this subject…believe me. Flexibility, humour, and family support is going to get us through anything. And what was said about not so much the child adapting as much as the parents I thought was dead on. I feel the child will adapt easier and will be more receptive to changes as long as we’ve adapted and can provide the foundation, support, and love as a family first. :)
November 14th, 2006 at 12:12 pm
Thank you for this! I’ve also read blogs recently and been “disturbed” by the parents “wanting their life back” or want their home “back to normal”…it ain’t gonna be that “normal” again…you have a NEW normal and a NEW life with and all about this little one!
Thank you!
November 14th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
RQ,
Thanks for the reality check. I have read books about Chinese adoption and I have also reviewed attachment web sites. However, I don’t think I have educated myself as I should.
It there one book about attachment that you could recommend to me above all others. One that stands out in your mind?
I’d love your input.
Thank you, Loveherso
November 14th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
I found Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft very helpful. My child came home at 28 months, definitely a toddler.
The information in the book is geared toward families adopting toddlers, but I think it would be good reading for anyone during the long wait.
Another thing - during the HS process your social worker should be discussing all the things that RQ talked about - bonding, expectations and post adoption depression. Did yours? (RQ - that would be a great discussion thread - how our homestudies did or did not prepare us)
Information is power, and IMHO there are too many families who do not have the information that they need to cope with the reality of a child who may be very different from the child of your dreams. It’s *not* all sweetness and light.
Our SW told us to expect a full 12 months before everyone meshed as a family - that was great advice!
November 14th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
What a great post RQ, thanks! I am waiting on my first, and have been reading all that I can on attachment hoping to be prepared. I am a clinical social worker by profession, and believe that attachement plays a role in so much of who we are and how we function in life. I believe it is so important to really try to understand this stuff. It’s so easy to get caught up in OUR fantasy of finally meeting our chilidren. But, it is so important to really remeber to think about this all from our new children’s perspectives, and not just our own.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
violet-
thanks for mentioning that…
that’s always made me go “huh?!” in that people say they “want their life back” and things “back to normal”. do they think things would be different if they were having children biologically?! puhleaseeee.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
There are some excellent suggestions re books about attachment, sensory issues and such in the forum, here’s the link:
http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php?topic=782.0
November 14th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
As I have mentioned before, I am a mom to a bio child who has been through serious medical treatment. My kid was diagnosed just shy of turning 2, and spent close to 100 days in the hospital during a 6 month period. He did extensive, painful treatment for 2.5 years. The description that RQ wrote about adopted children is a good description of what we encountered with my child. During the worst phases of treatment, he retreated to that autistic, shutdown state that RQ mentioned. We have spent the past 3 years dealing with the fallout. Interestingly, I spent time back in those days reading some of the adoption community’s material on post-institutionalized children in order to learn about my child’s issues. We had it all - sensory issues, sleep issues, night terrors, developmental delays, speech delays, control issues, serious potty issues beyond what you might see with a “normal kid” - it went on and on.
We have muddled through it, and my kid is so much improved now. But we couldn’t just be typical parents. Many days just felt like a minefield. I’m sure people around us wondered what was wrong with our kid, and what was wrong with us as parents.
Now, with this adoption, sometimes i wonder if i am too blase. I sort of have this attitude : oh, post institutionalized syndrome? PTSD? sensory problems? yeah, I’ve been there, done that - bring it on. Am I going to be suprised by something totally unforeseen? Do you folks who have already adopted worry about that?
November 14th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Thanks for posting this although I have to say for the most part this group seems pretty “with it” I think its PATHETIC that people have the expectations, and it really really upsets me that they are talking about it as though it comes as a complete shock to them! I guess though, there are tons of people who aren’t fit to parent their biological children because they just don’t get it!
It is disturbing to me, however, attending seminars for us has been the best way for my husband to fully comprehend the issues. To hear a professional actually SAY it is so much better than reading it in a book. But, that said, there are some great books out there too!
IT worries me to think that there are a lot of people out there adopting, or having kids who think that kids are perfect angels, not so much work, and I just think so many times they have NO IDEA!
To send back a baby because she had bad hair or something stupid like that just drives me nuts! My second son was a very difficult baby and a tempermental child, he has prepared us well! But some on, what are these people thinking?!
November 14th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
One more thing - in reference to wishing things would go back to “normal” - those of us in the ped-onc world talk about how we are now in the “new normal”. And that’s what it is.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Thank you for your sage advice. Our agency has stressed the importance of attachment, and the possibility of its absence, from the beginning of our journey. We are ALL waiting for these children to join our families. They are NOT waiting for us. Their lives ,as they know them, are in China and we must be aware that, at least temporarily, we will be adding to their losses. We must repect their need to grieve, their need to adjust, THEIR needs period. These are children, they are not “china dolls” - this phrase makes me cringe every time I hear it. I am so sorry for the families who are experiencing pain and stress after they have returned home. Adjustment, and grief are normal for parents too. Post-adoption depression is very real, and there is help available for those who may be experiencing it. It is the children who deserve the most concern though. They deserve parents who have entered into this process with realistic expectations, and parents who have done everything they can to anticipate the needs of their new child, and of themselves. That being said, you may do everything you can to prepare for this journey, and life may send you a curveball. My husband and I are hoping for the best - but we are expecting months of sleep deprivation, possible sensory disorders and developmental delays. If these things and many others don’t happen, then it’s a bonus. Are we prepared? I hope so. Are we thrilled at the prospect of finally having a child? You bet.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
It’s great to be aware of all of the potential issues and be prepared. I read tons on attachment and the issues that post-institutionalized children often have and felt like I had a pretty good idea what to expect. I was expecting developmental delays and attachment issues. The flip side is, it may not happen. We’ve had our wonderful new daughter for five weeks and she’s doing fabulously. She’s ten months old and is developmentally right on target in every area. She’s very happy and is becoming very attached to us. She cries if anyone outside the family holds her, but is very social with others if we’re holding her. I know we may still encounter problems down the road, and I feel like I’m prepared to deal with them. I just wanted to throw it out there that some babies make the transition well. For the record, our daughter came from a very small orphanage. There are only five nannies total that work in the baby room and there were only 12 babies in the room when we visited. All the babies from my daughter’s orphanage seem to be doing very well. I’m glad I was aware of the potential issues and prepared - it’s been great to be so pleasantly surprised.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Wow. I came on line today to get info on how to donate to Half the Sky and there was RQ’s thorough and informative missive on the potential challenges we all face with international adoption (and how Half the Sky helps). During our home study we were required to thoroughly read up on all this and were questioned carefully about our expectations and what we had learned in our reading, but it is always good to be reminded. As parents who have always known our child is in China, and only in China, we feel ready to say, as SewHopeful said above, “Bring it on..!” Ellen LID 10.25.06
November 14th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Well, I tried to post this earlier and I got the dreaded “This page can not be displayed message,” so if it shows up twice, I apologize.
wait4hannah,
Here are some books that our social worker either recommended or required us to read:
Attaching in Adoption (Gray) - title pretty much says it all, and I often see this one recommended;
Toddler Adoption (Hopkins-Best) - the young toddler in the book is defined as 12 months so many of our children are at least age-wise close to being toddlers;
Real Parents, Real Children (van Gulden & Bartels-Rabb) - not specifically about attachment but a good reference for parents of children who were adopted;
Adopting the Hurt Child (Keck & Kupecky) - book is primarily about children adopted from the US foster system but it has been updated to include a chapter on intercountry adoption. The stories in this book were the most difficult and scariest for me to read, but it was one that was required by our social worker, and I am very glad she had me read it.
I guess these fit in my mantra for our adoptions, “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.”
November 14th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
RQ, this is a beautiful and very true post. I would not change a single word that you’ve so eloquently written!
We adopted an 11.5 month old from Russia in 2005, and we did “all the right things”. I am a nurse with a background in child development. I have worked with children with multiple issues. I am the oldest child in a VERY large family. I read everything I could get my hands on about child attachment, bonding, feeding and sleeping issues. I admit, I think I might have been a little smug ;)
Well, when that little fella came home and would not sleep, ate more than my husband (was always hungry), would not let me put him down for a second, and cried nonstop, I was pretty humbled. When my family did not understand why we were the only ones to hold, feed and change him at first, I was at a loss. This was exactly what I was told to expect, BUT reading about it and living it are 2 different things.
Thankfully, we got through it together, and every day the light at the end of the tunnel appeared a little closer. I was fortunate to experience deep “love at first sight” for my son, which is not always the case, but my love grew and grew. And so did his. I realized it wasn’t about me and my attachment, and my sleep deprivation. It was all about him. I had a gut feeling that as he felt safer and more secure, the frustrating behaviors would dissipate. And they did.
And so we’re adopting again, from China. And as a newcomer to the China forums, and APC, sometimes I cringe when I read posts by people who sound just like I did before adoption changed my world…. I think that for some of us, the difficult journeys through infertility, the grueling paperwork and wait all seem to coalesce into a fantasy of what it will be like when we’re finally mommies and daddies.
And I think that those of us who’ve been through so much to become parents feel guilty about admitting any “problems”, and aren’t as open about asking for help as those who’ve given birth to their kids are. We don’t want to seem ungrateful, which puts a tremendous amount of pressure on us when we first come home.
Jenny
November 14th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
Thank you for addressing this issue. In my opionion IA has become a “trendy” thing to do. From the blogs I have read it seems as though people forget that this child is not counting down the days to be “rescued” or that we are coming to get them. We are the parents, we need to be informed and educated on how to protect and make our child feel safe. I hope everyone remembers - these children need love and security. It is not just a cool thing to do , and dont do it just because a star does it. I have teenage girls in my youth group preparing how they can adopt a child, and requesting the agency paperwork. (sad)I have spoke on this issue at church, and I hope websites like this one will help others as well!THANK YOU AGAIN……
November 14th, 2006 at 1:25 pm
Thank you RQ for sharing this and to everyone else sharing your experiences and leading us to websites and books for further information. I initially went to this site for rumor information and it has become so much more! This site is a life saver…not just to help with the wait, but to find information and to have such support from others. I just want to say thank you RQ for all that you do. I don’t know if you realize how much you are doing for all of us.
November 14th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
JenT04 makes an excellent point about people not wanting to ask for help when they get home and there are problems. We’ve waiting so long, wanted this so badly, and now to ask for help just seems so wrong somehow.
But it isn’t wrong. If you feel like you are in over your head, or if your own frustration level is getting out of control then by all means get help from somewhere.
If you don’t think your friends and family can understand then call your agency or your social worker. If you went to waiting family meetings then call someone you met at one of those meetings.
You cannot help your child until you help yourself.
It *is* all about the child, that part is true. No matter what they need to be held and loved and made to feel safe. But your husband can do that while you get some time away if you find yourself desperately in need of some away time.
And if you ever get the urge to shake your baby to make them just be quiet then put them down somewhere safe and walk into another room and make a phone call to someone who can come to your house and take care of the baby while you regroup.
If you feel yourself sinking into a state of depression then speak with your social worker and your doctor about it. PAD (Post Adoption Depression) is very real and the sooner you treat it the less time you will spend not being emotionally there for your child.
November 14th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
The first adoption, I have to admit, was mostly about me getting a baby. Yeah, I read books about all the things I was suppose to read about, but I was so excited about getting a baby that really none of it sunk in. I think we were very lucky because I don’t think we were as sensitive to all the issues identified as we should have been and our daughter seems to be quite well-adjusted despite her parents. In fact, it took as a while to become sensitive to the many adoption issues, partly, I think, because our daughter immediately attached to me, then very quickly to her dad, so it felt like we were doing things okay, but in hindsight I can see how we should have done some things differently. She’d been in foster care and I think that was a real advantage. But the same things RQ mentioned also occurred and continue to occur…such as always wanting us around when we are home and being in control. But these are not horrible things by any means, and according to books I read and now absorb, can be quite normal under any circumstance. So I’m never sure how much of this to attribute to adoption and her past, or whether its just her personality. One thing’s for sure, parenting is a continuous learning experience and I think about 85% of it is correcting what you’ve screwed up!
November 14th, 2006 at 1:47 pm
I’m so glad you started this thread. I’ve seen way too much fantasizing about how wonderful life will be the instant you are handed your child.
We were really lucky the first time around (which is probably one of the factors pushing us to go ahead this second time around). Our daughter didn’t go through screaming fits. She let us hold her and feed her. She did screamed in the tub at bath time. She screamed when she woke up in her crib alone and when we tried to get her to go to sleep when her body was telling her it was daytime/play time.
To help ease this, we rocked her to sleep at night, played soft music in her room and hung up Christmas lights for some light. Eventually we didn’t need to rock her anymore.
However, she is still my “shadow” three years after she came into our lives. She follows me everywhere, has to do what I am doing. Even when she’s playing, she has to do it right where I might be working/cleaning/cooking/ etc.
When I put her to bed (vs. when DH does) she grasps at my hand not to leave even after two or three stories, a bunch of hugs and kisses and making sure she is surrounded by all of her babies. She still comes into our bed at night or in the morning. She wants to be sure we are there. And if I have to go on the road for a business trip? Watch out.
Don’t get me wronge - I love her immensely, but I DO understand that part of her attachment is having to be or see me all the time.
I know that this time around No. 2 might not want much to do with me or be frightened by us. I hope it doesn’t affect No. 1 as much. But you have to go into this with your eyes wide open and all your sensitive feelings tucked away and worry solely about that new child.
November 14th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
What agency are these parents working with?? I mean, don’t folks receive the kind of information needed about attachment, delays, grief and PAD????
Makes me so very glad we are working with our agency!
November 14th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
ratgirl~ I too have a bio child where the parenting experience was anything but normal. Yes, we too have a new normal. My son has a chromosomal deletion which manifests itself with OCD, sensory intergration, sleep issues ect ect ect.
I have been through soooo much with him that I feel that we too can take on anything. All we know is the unexpected and all we can do to adjust is do what is right for him and be flexible. As parents, you have to be flexible! And once there is a child in the house, things just never are the same. Afterall, thats why we want them, right???
I have done LOTS of reading, talking with other adoptive parents and know this will not be “perfect”. One friend adopted a daughter who has autism (not known when they adopted her) and my other friend did say it took her about one year to feel like the family had “meshed”. I am eager to learn more in this wait, so those BTDT parents, please keep sharing! Thanks!!!
I do not think our HS had any valuable information. My husband was shocked and disappointed out how we learned next to nothing.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Thanks so much for this RQ - we leave tomorrow morning and it was so good to be reminded that this is not at all about me but about a little baby who is going to be scared and confused.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
I love this thread.
In addition to reading, one of the things that we did for our first adoption that seemed to help was we lined up live-in help for the first week we were back home, a very close friend stayed for a few days and my father for a few days. It was a tough week for us with time changes and such. We didn’t end up using the help as much as I would have anticipated but it was nice having someone there.
We also tried to fill the freezer with ready to heat and eat meals for when we came back home. It was wonderful to just have something already cooked. When we were tired, it was so nice not to have to really cook.
As we prepare to adopt again, we are starting to line up the same resources. This time, if we are fortunate enough to have helpers stay with us, I’m sure that they will be put to more use! Our 3.5 year old will certainly be in need of some serious attention as well as the new baby. If my father will come again, I’m sure he will be great at rocking and/or reading!
Marie
LID Aug 23, 2005
DOR Nov 3, 2006
November 14th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
Thank you RQ for posting this. I wish every agency gave parets to be a letter like this, in order to prepare them for wha could be coming.
Our daughter was one of the babies who just cut of everything. Day two, we were discussing if she could be mentally retarded - she didn’t show any emotion, didn’t want eye or body contact. Even though we had read a lot about different reactions, I wasn’t prepared for such a quit child. Now, we never discussed trying to change baby, and after a few days she gave us the first smile. She caught up with development within a few months with us and is now a lively, laughing and dancing three year old.
Since we came home I have met three families who have been angry with their newly adopted children, because the child would climb, making a mess at mealtime, not listening etcetera. At first I tried not to interfer with other peoples way of parenting, but then I couldn’t keep quiet and told them what I thougt. You can’t expect the same things from babies who grow up in an istitution, as from “home made” babies you have met before. Everything needs to be taught patiently from the beinning.
Luckily, these parents appreciated my interference, listend and and are still my friends.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
Thanks RQ for posting this. I have been trying to do as much reading as possible to be prepared. Hope to do more reading on the plane, as we leave on thursday!!!
One other suggestion relayed to me through an adult adoptee, was to bring as much of the sensorys back home with you as you can. Video life in China, including getting Mandarin chinese on video, so your child can hear it when you get home. Also try to find out what kind of laundry detergent they used at the orphanage, and try to buy some to bring home with you. That way you can wash the babies clothes, and even your own, in a scent that is familiar to them. I really liked that idea. Not sure if it’s possible to do or not, but I definitely will try.
Thanks again RQ
Becki
http://www.2china4addison.com
November 14th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
I agree this is the greatest thread I have read on this site! I am new (first post) and have been reading for about 2 months now, and this is so compelling, I finally registered to be able to respond.
We are so close (LID of 10/17/06-only 3 groups ahead of us at our agency) to our second daughter from China.
To be completely honest-my DH and I joke around about our first trip to China “SUCKED”…but we were first timers, thought we were completely prepared and were not. Thank goodness Grandma was there with us. I too had the feeling that my child hated me, I did not want her, all of it that RQ mentioned.
When we got home after a long 16 hour plane ride with NO sleep, and the first 3 days we were home-we had no sleep, it was aweful. We did not know what to do. But slowly and surely, even when all I wanted to do was cry, I hugged and held my baby until she was content and I could put her down to shower. I think it took about 8 weeks, but in the interim, I had friends and family come over so I could at least shower once a day. I was diagnosed with PAD, and dropped 15 pounds in 6 weeks.
Pre-adoption, our agency hammered the facts about attachment and how extremely important it is. I stayed hoem for 15 weeks and plan to again. My life revolved around making sure that my baby bonded to us, and boy did she ever…even at 3, she is still a mama’s girl and there will be no changing that! But I would not change it for the world.
As we wait for our second daughter, and get closer, the anticipation and excitement grow.
A good friend of mine just said to me on Friday evening, “are you sure you want to go through this again?” He told me “you did not look good and you lost so much weight-you had dark circles under your eyes”. HECK YEA I’m ready for it. This time with a much more realistic expectation of what the trip to China will bring, as well as the return home.
I agree with 2girlsfromchina-look at all the people going back for baby #2, and even #3! I keep telling my DH that I want a total of 4 china dollies! He thinks I am crazy.
As we like to say-this is the most aggravating fun we have ever had. And we will keep on having it.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
What a great topic, RQ.
I can say that I am much better prepared this time than I was for the first. Our son came to us from a disrupted adoption. Instead of having months to prepare ourselves, we had days. I will be the first to admit that there were things we did wrong, but there was a lot we did very right. He is now 7 and simply the light and delight of our lives. I have read about the “unknown” anger that adoptees often deal with — anger that they have and they just don’t know why or how to direct it. We have dealt with this with our son at times. I have learned that adoption issues are often cyclical and need to be addressed over and over again. I think one of the best things we have done is to make sure that he always feels very safe and secure, and that he knows that he can talk to us about ANYTHING. Yes, sometimes he asks some very difficult questions, but he has to be able to do that.
If anyone finds themselves dealing with PAD, please get help. I think I went through this when my son came home, but I had no idea that you could have “baby blues” when you adopted. I’m not even sure when “PAD” came into official existence. I remember feeling like my life was no longer my own. When you spend your whole life setting goals for yourself and concentrating on you, it is really hard to switch gears and suddenly put all of your focus on this new person. I felt like my son, my husband, and even my cat all need so much of me that there was nothing left over. I remember feeling like no one else in the world would understand, so somehow I managed to get through it on my own. It didn’t last long and it seems like it was so long ago. At some point, I realized that I could set limits, say “no,” and still set goals for myself — and achieve them! Yes, my life is mainly about my son, but I have found a piece for me too.
Now while we are waiting for #2, I feel much better prepared, informed and ready. I feel like I not only have a better understanding of what she will be going through but also what I could go through and why.
I agree with those of you who mention that the child is not sitting over there waiting for us to come and get them. I often go into my daughter’s room and marvel at the fact that here is this bedroom ready and waiting for her, and she is on the other side of the world and has no idea. And this is true for thousands! Our kids go through a lot of trauma in their young lives, but we can help them through it. It is what being a parent is all about.
clem
LID 09feb06
November 14th, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Thanks for the great info! The SW who did our homestudy talked about the fact that she would be visiting us shortly after our return for these very reasons. She has seen many children through IA and is a great resource for us. Our discussion about attachment and sensory issues, plus the training videos our Agency provided on these issues has prompted our family to seek other resources in our community NOW so that just in case we need help during the transition period we aren’t posting on APC (what a time to get flamed) LOL or calling every person we know who adopted. Also remember that if things get a little out of hand, you can always get a professional’s advice!
November 14th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
RQ — great thread.
I have to chime in hear too. I have been blessed with a bio son. And it is blessing. Especially when it comes to adopting. Becuase I had a heck of time adjusting to him. I had nine months of reading “what to expect.” And basically after he came home, I freaked out. Lost it, hormonally I was a wreck. It’s was as if every issue I had never resolved in my own childhood, with my parents, illness during my pregnancy reared it’s ugly head. I feel into a depression. Then I could not bond with my son. How scary was that? Frightening. I went numb.
So I can imagine a little of what the child might be feeling. I got help. I went to therapy. I worked out my issues. But I can imagine, that for many new adoptive parents, they’ve struggled so hard, they’ve waiting for so long, they’ve loved this mysterious unknown child for so soo much longer then a pregnancy, that when the child comes and they are whiny, stinky, screachy and in the case of a 12 month old, beligerent! Then I can imagine that some of them are angry.
I am not saying that’s right. Maybe those blogs are to help them sort their feelings out. Really I recommend talking to a professional. Because as I can attest, the issues that may have led to the need for adoption run deep (infertility, loss) and the issues for the child are just downright scary (abandonment). But they require work. Lots of it. And downright honesty. Brutal honesty.
That’s what got me through. But alas, so did an SSRI! Oops does the CCAA read this? Ah well I was honest on my app.
For new moms and dads having a tough time, one easy step that RQ mentioned. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Go for a walk. Go to the park. Seek out other parents. Go to the FCC events in your area. It helps. It really does.
New parents — you also need to grieve your old life. As much as you wanted this baby, you have also had a major upheaval. So it’s ok to feel a little sad. It’s ok to be mad that you can’t wash your hair, or clean your house. But know in time, you will. Trust me — it will happen.
So any advice for me for this long wait? Just kiddin…
Kelly
DS who is 6
2 lost little angels
LID 9/13/06
November 14th, 2006 at 2:36 pm
This is a very good discussion. I have just a couple of things to add:
If you think your child has attachment issues, please, please, please, have their hearing tested. Many of the same behaviors seen with attachment disorders, are seen with hearing loss. This was the case with my youngest. She wouldn’t look at me unless it was on her terms, she was extraordinarily quiet, didn’t vocalize much……..this made me think about attachment issues. I was constantly worried about attachment during the first few months home, but first had to deal with the unending ear infections. It turned out that these behaviors came with her hearing loss from fluid in her ears. We had tubes put in a couple of months after we came home and a new, more vocal, happier, engaging and attached child appeared. We caught the hearing loss early and with the outfitting of hearing aids, her vocabulary developed at a normal level and with recent ear surgery, the hearing in one ear is now normal. She is doing quite well in elementary school. Still…..there will always be sensory issues with her….she hates loud sounds and screaming.
My second point is that I whole heartedly agree with getting help for yourself. If you find that you are unable to cope, need a break, can’t stand the crying, are getting angry too much or all the time…..get help. This goes for seasoned parents too. About a year ago, I decided it was time to get help, because my youngest is a very challenging child to parent. I thought the therapist would talk to my daughter, but instead she has exclusively talked with me. The therapist has helped me change the ways I react, which in turn has changed my daughter’s behavior. So if yout think you need help, get it. Don’t be embarrassed and don’t ignore behavior that you know in your gut is wrong (whether it is from your child or from you), do something about it.
A BTDT seasoned Mom who knows that she doesn’t have all the answers.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
This may be a commonly used workbook, but I thought I would mention it just in case -
With Eyes Wide Open (a workbook for parents adopting international children)
The workbook was required by our HS agency before our HS would be approved (even after site visits, meetings w/SW, etc. - we had to show that we had fully completed the workbook…”as a family unit”…(specifically meaning DH and me). I don’t recall the number of hours I/DH spent with the workbook…but I want to say probably 80 some hours.
I am going to go back and re-read all that was in the workbook. I remember back then (well over 1.5 years ago), that the entire process of working through the book was “eye opening”.
I was so fortunate to have been raised in a loving, demonstrative, affectionate family…that’s all I’ve ever known. We never end a phone call w/out - “I love you”…or depart w/out a hug or kiss. So, I fear that my family (who has also dreamed of our DD) will not understand the need for “attachment” to DH and me. How have you all handled preparing family for your child’s arrival? I would love some advice on this one. I/DH want to try to do all that we can for our DD and her adjustment…but I’m sure that we will hurt other family members feelings in the process. Certainly, I know it’s about DD…but I want to be sensitive to her new grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc….I’m sure preparation is the key.
I really loved RQs idea of sitting on a blanket with your baby and having other family members sit along side. (RQ, I’m rather sure that you said that in another post on attachment.) My Mom has recently broken her wrist, so she will not be able to hold DD anyway… So, I thought this would be a great way to have her interact w/DD without actually holding her. And, reaffirming DD’s attachment to me and her daddy.
Lastly, I think the entire process is truly about being educated and going with the flow - “With Eyes Wide Open” is very important.
LID 24Aug05
DOR 02Nov06
November 14th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
RQ, thanks for this! It is so important to know what to expect!
When my dh and I adopt our first one, she was 13 months old. She didn’t do anything, only drink her pap. Did not cry, screem, slept very well. After 3 days, we are getting a small smile and that was it. It was very heartbreaking!!! She did not take anything we reach her. You can see her pain….
At one point, she was turnig away from me. Only my dh could take care for her, but I could gave her her pap. Don’t touch her to mutch and it went well. Every time my dh dressed or changed her, I reach the things he need. This was the way to tell her, that I was importent too.
It did help very good. When we came to Holland, I could carry her to the arrival hall!! I was sooooo happy!
But…… I did not love her at first, when she was put into our arms….. I thought: oké, this is my daughter, that was that. But now I love her so, so much!!!
The change is so intense. It will bring your world up-side-down. I know it did mine! The first 6 months, I push myself to the limit. By example: I did not know how to go shopping so I waited for my dh and than drove to the shop to get our diner.
Our 2 year old dog did not want to accept her. Now he is oké with her and they are playing to getter (a little). It was a very stressfull situation. It turned out that he had a food allergy and his temper is oké now!
We are very happy that we have the opportunity to adopt a second child from China. It will take some time, but that ’s the way it is. We can do nothing about the waitingtime :-(
Debby
LID 05/12/06
November 14th, 2006 at 2:44 pm
RQ..
Thanks
Being first time parents at 45 and not having a whole lot of experience with children, my role usually is to wind them up and send them home :),I know I am in for a shock.
Being the research freak that I am, I have started reading and following along with all the journals that I can find.
My wife works with a guy who adopted twice from thailand. He tells a story of his son opening cupboards and dancing because of all the food. He also tells us that we will say “what the hell did we just do?” and we will likely say it to ourselves more than once during the first year. This is good to hear. He also says that it is worth every moment of agony because once you break through to the other side of that, it is more than you had ever dreamed it would be. Getting to the “new normal” is the hard part.
We met a couple who live 2 miles from us and have heard their stories and met their 2 chinese children. We are forming a relationship so we can learn from them and they are really good folk so we get along great. This is a big plus for us. Our new friends told us a story that broke my heart, but all of us heading to China should hear it.
There was a couple in their group who was receiving an older (28-36month) child that had been in foster care. This child spent the better part of 24 hours screaming uncontrollable and babbling through her tears in chinese. The parents were so distraught that they asked their guide to translate. The child was standing in the room waving her arms up and down and sobbing uncontrollably. Between her sobs she was screaming “please let me go home to my mommy, I am a good girl, I did not do anything wrong….Please…please…please. They were seen as monsters by their child and she did not warm up to them for quite some time. She went from screaming, to lethargic, to combative before she settled into a semblance of normal.
I am crying on my keyboard as I write this and I am a guy who does not show this kind of emotion often. I am turning into a mushhead through this whole process and it is very good for me.
Be prepared. This could be you. This will likely not feel like your child until nearly a week has passed if you are lucky. You are likely to be a new parent like me and I expect this to cut me to the core. I will suck it up for my child and try not to take it personally and if I do I will not show it. I am expecting a full year of hell before the sun comes out for us. I may get lucky but I am not expecting it. Plan for the worst hope for the best.
After all it has been all about me (or us) for 45 years. I finally got to the point that I realized there is only so much you can do for “me”. It all becomes quite hollow and pointless after a while. I am so totally ready to give my entire existence up to raising this child. It took me a long time to get there, but I said I would not do this until I knew it was right. We are capable of bio kids, but our child is in China and we have known this for quite some time. We could opt for the 9 month route, but will wait forever if we have to because we know this is right for us.
Still, I have no illusions about it being easy even though I only know through stories of how hard it can be. So right now I research and dream of nirvana. Deep down though I know it is going to take a while to get there.
Thanks RQ…. a lot of need to hear this stuff. Your site should be compulsary reading.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
shanggirls - thank you thank you for posting the advice about checking hearing. My son (the one with all the other issues) has serious hearing loss, requiring hearing aids and an fm system. It took a year to get the hearing loss diagnosed and the technology in place. Once he had his hearing aids, though, his language took off, and many of his emotional issues started to resolve.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
Thank you for a well written post on this subject. People need to talk about this stuff. It is not always rosy, and I wish more people would share the tough stuff. People need to share the lows as well as the highs. I also think agencies need to share more about the tough stuff up front and not a week before parents leave.
Our first days in China were terrifying. To an untrained eye, our daughter looked almost autistic when we first received her. She head banged, and starred at her hands perpetually. She had no muscle tone. She was limp. She screamed. To top it off, she had 2 seizures in the first 2 days. We knew she had special needs (a heart condition), but we were not expecting seizures. It was absolutely terrifying, but we were prepared. We talked about the possibilities well in advance of making the decision to adopt. We ran through the worst case scenarios in our mind. I think any person preparing to be a parent needs to prepare for the worst at some point in the process. Moreover, they need to be sure that they can pyschologically and financially handle the worse case scenario. Sadly most parents, regardless of whether they are creating their family through adoption or biologically, never think about this stuff.
My daughter is doing very well today. She has made tremendous progress, but that was not without hard work on the part of our entire family. It took 4 adults to make it through the first week. Since then, our family has worked together every step of the way. The only thing I wish is that there was some sort of mandatory support group or meeting following adoption. The agencies do all the up front stuff, and the waiting families meetings, but often parents need the most support when they return. It’s something we all should encourage our agencies to begin.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
RQ, I am so glad to see you bringing up this topic. After hearing parent’s stories at another site, I think it is so necessary that we talk about this more. Our agency had parenting classes that taught about it, and we were expected to do research & reading on our own and list what we had read. This topic has also been brought up extensively on one of my yahoo groups & it has been very informative to hear first hand from a-parents. Since your sight is read by so many parents - I think it is great you are bringing up this topic, so that more parents can be informed and better prepared. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:02 pm
I’m trying to share an essay that should be required reading for all potential adopters. Posts aren’t coming through, or have come through in the wrong topic. Here is the link:
http://www.emkpress.com/perspective.html
It illustrates how our children might feel by comparing how a new bride might feel, torn out of her new husband’s home and loving arms. Very poignant.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
postfarm,
So glad that you posted that link. I’ve been thinking about it the whole time that I’ve been reading the posts, but couldn’t locate it. I think it is so appropriate for this discussion.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
In theory I was totally prepared for anything with my first adoption. I’d read all the books and could certainly “talk the talk†about attachment. In reality, I didn’t know crap. I knew my child might have sleep issues. I was not prepared for “sleep issues†to mean 5 or 6 hours of screaming and crying every single night for weeks. I’d heard that some babies wanted to be held. Um, yes. That would be held 24/7 or else the screaming would start again. I had NO IDEA how physically draining it is to hold a (17 pound) baby all the time. I quite literally didn’t even get a potty break (you know you are a mom when you can “go†with a baby on your knee!). I was not prepared to be sick as a dog, exhausted, and frustrated by my lack of parenting skills. I was not prepared to feel like such a failure because my daughter wouldn’t sleep and wouldn’t let me put her down. No matter how much you think you know, you just don’t KNOW until it’s you in the trenches. That first month was just miserable at times. But obviously it gets better. I’m waiting on TA for #2!
November 14th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
I was thinking…. I don’t know how it works in other country’s, but here in Holland, we have to follow a gethering for 6 times. We (the parents-to-be) call it ‘discourage-course’ (don’t let them hear that!). They tell you what can happen and talk about it. Also the different background the children have from different country’s. This ‘course’ we have to follow is in the beginning of the adoption procedure so we are aware of the ‘problems’ we could be facing.
Do I understand it well, when I read that some people don’t get any information about this subject at all??? From whatever authority at all????
November 14th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
We had one of those kids who yelled for someone else while we were in China. Our daughter was nearly 4 when we got her. She was MAD. At one time, she was yelling in Chinese for mama. I knew she didn’t mean me but now its nearly 3 years later and when she yells for mama, thats ME! But it took a lot of time and its still taking time and patience and hard work.
That particular travel group also had a family who disrupted. They came completely unprepared for what grief and fear might do to a child. So, they unwound their adoption claiming the child was autistic. While I know that they had special fears because their family already contained an autistic member, I can never forgive them for coming to the table unprepared and unwilling to take advice and for sending a very darling little girl through a hellish trauma.
I disagree with NOTHING that the RQ has posted. My heartbreaks to think of any child with parents who react as she has described. I know those people exist but I can’t bear to think of it.
One thing that many of us should consider: if there are lots of basically groundless disruptions going on in China—those where APs are rejecting a child because they think there is something wrong and what is wrong is simply grief–those children may end up back in the system, being adopted by another family. If you get one of those children, you will have a child with a second wound from abandonment and trauma. Only you may not know about that one.
All of the books mentioned thus far should be required reading for any prospective adoptive parent. I am especially fond of “toddler adoption, the weaver’s craft” by Mary Best Hopkins. I think it is a great book regardless of the age of your prospective adoptive child. When we adopted our son nearly five years ago, someone told me about that book. Concurrently, other people said it was “too scary” because it described worst case scenarios. Frankly I’d always rather be prepared for the worst and surprised by the best.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:12 pm
On another thread a few weeks ago, I suggested Mary Hopkins-Best’s book, Toddler Adoption, The Weaver’s Craft (as at least a couple others have here today) and someone respnded that they didn’t think the book was so great because the author wrote so much about worse-case possibilites. My thought at the time was “well, worse cases happen!”. I believe if we hadn’t been as prepared as we were to bring a three year old home, after spending her entire life in a Russian orphanage, that we could have found ourselves trying to deal with a worse case senario. There were issues, which we recognized as (non)attachment and rejection (her way of protecting herself), that not only would have been extrelely painful for us, but very detrimental for her if we had handled them with knee-jerk reactions. Fortunately, our little girl moved through the stages quite quickly, for the most part. But even now, almost 9 years later, there are sometimes little “issues” that make me wonder if there are still attachment questions, or just personality quirks that make her who she is. She is very loved by our entire family. I just hope that her big sister and BIL will soon have their own little one to love. I’m sure that little one will be very special to her young “auntie”.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:18 pm
Swedish adopters also need to attend a class, but I know the quality is not always very good. Often, real stories like shared here, makes a better inpact then theoretic scenarios presented by a professional person with no experience on her own.
I think follow up meetings with the SW or someone from the baby health clinic should be compulsary.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:20 pm
This is a really important discussion. And I totally agree with RQs post, we have to be prepared (even when we are not first time parents, I have almost forgotten what it could be like during the first year with my daughter). But I also think that it is important to remember that most of these orphanages really do care deeply about their children. In my experience, most of these children have been well taken care of at a human level, even though they may come from rather average material circumstances, that may appear awful to us. Even though my daughter came from a rather ordinary orphanage she was on target in most areas, except at an emotional level of course. Three years later, she still has some of the “toughness” left that some of these children develop for survival, but in comparison with, for instance, some kids I know that have been going through rough divorces she is a lot more harmonious.
I, as a single, spent more than a year with her at home 24/7 and during that period I did not have a proper meal, or do anything for myself. There were times when I thought I would not survive another child so I gave up the thought of ever paperchasing again. And now look where I am…waiting!
As for grieving, yes. My daughter interacted as soon as we were back at the hotel, and I pretty much fell in love with her the moment she was in my arms. But she did not laugh properly until a month after we returned home. And that was an amazing moment. She had crawled out of sight and into a drawer (yes it was attached to the wall thank god) and called me, with clothes all over her. When I came to look at her she laughed her heart out. That was just great. And she has been that mischievous and humorous child ever since.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:20 pm
GREAT post, RQ, on the reality of it all!! Thank you very much!!
His,
Mrs. U
LID 9-12-05
http://www.makingahouseahome.blogspot.com
November 14th, 2006 at 3:22 pm
When I adopted my daughter from China in 2003 she transitioned very well. She is a beautiful child and my joy, but that’s not to say there weren’t issues and I guess, as I’ve been a teacher for students with special needs for 17 years, it’s natural for me to accomodate my child. I think it’s very important for parents to go into this knowing they will have to make adjustments. For example, my daughter could not sleep unless I was beside her. Literally, she kept her tiny foot on some part of my body all night and continues to still do this (though she’s sleeping more and more often in her own bed these days). If I got up to use the bathroom, she would wake up crying for me. Fearful crying. The kind that just rips your heart in two. So I got used to climbing into bed at 7:30 with a book, or my laptop, or with the TV on. As RQ said, there are some areas where our children will need to have control. My daughter needed to know I’m not going to disappear. She is so well-adjusted now. She attends preschool 4 days a week and recently announced that I don’t need to pick her up so early. She’d like to stay and play with her friends. Her first year in preschool she didn’t talk very much and at a parent conference the teacher told me my daughter was selectively mute (of course, I educated the teacher on culture, Chinese and orphanage culture) and this year she’s a social butterfly. I guess my point is that our children, those coming from the NSN program, too, will have special needs. I believe they will respond to our love, and part of that is meeting their needs, making our own secondary. From this they will learn to trust and love will blossom.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
RQ, great topic.
On the issue of attachment, please note that a child may or likely will attach to one parent more than the other. When we adopted our 1st child, she was 18 mos old and fully mobile. Since I’m Chinese and my wife is caucasian, our daugther attached to me first. Anytime my wife tried to carry her she would cry to no end. It was bit hard on me since I couldn’t do anything without our daughter being around, even using the toilet.
Also at first my DW liked our daughter, but didn’t really love her, now she love her to death. Also our daughter’s attachment has switched over to DW as well. So as they say, these things take time. Ours took about 6 months.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:24 pm
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I have been reminded of how hard it can be to have a new child. I have also learned so much.
Going back to china for our third is so exciting!!! It is also a little scary. I have learned never to expect anything!!!!
The first time we adopted 2002 and our little girl was only 8.5 month old. She was in an orphanage that was run by half the sky. She was a large baby and her head in the back was very flat. I don’t believe that she was held very much. When we recieved her she was very quiet and withdrawn.
-never cried
-never fussed
-did not care if we held her
-would sleep for hours
-very little eye contact
-drank her bottle and would never ask for more
It was sad to see a baby so withdrawn but it was also easy because I could hold her and love her and she never complained. I knew she was smart from the first day. Because when I would lay her down she would make shadows with her hands onto the wall next to her. I just knew this was one of the ways she entertained herself in the orphanage. Then when we came home the real adjusting started to begin. We had to stay by her at all times or she would cry. Terrible night terrors at night every night and sometimes two a night and they would last for about 15 - 30 mins. These lasted for a year. She is a beautiful 4 year old now and is just a joy. She is still adjusting and sometimes still has night terrors.
When we went back our second time 2004 we also recieved a beautiful 8.5 month old. This child was the opposite of our first. She cried from the moment she was placed in my DH arms. She screamed for the whole two weeks we were in china AND i mean screamed!! The other parents would tell us they could hear her all night. She hardly ever sleep. The worst part was she would only let DH hold her and If I even looked at her she would start to throw her body around and kick and scratch herself. It was so hard to see someone so little suffer like that but it was even worse when she would try to hurt herself.
After we came home the adjustment was much easier. Within a few weeks the crying stopped and the tantrum started. She continue to bang her head into things and scratch her chest and arms when angry. It took a whole year but I believe now she is fully adjusted. She has been home almost exactly two years and she is wonderful. She is the happiest little girl. I can not believe that sad baby in china turned out to be this happy little 2.5 year old.
Now I don’t know what to expect with the third. I just know that I have learned so much from my girls. I am a much better parent now. I hope that I will be able to handle anything that my new little one is going through. I also know that there is a lot of hard work ahead of me. The happiness that these wonderful little girls have brought to our lives is a miracle. They are worth all the hard days ahead and all the sleepless night will soon be forgotten.
November 14th, 2006 at 3:26 pm
Just want to say thank you RQ for providing us such a great forum to discuss and “learn”. I too will be a first time mom at the age of 45 and this is a little scary, but very necessary information. I have already read information about some of the things discussed but it is good to read the feedback from so many others that already have little ones and have been through this. I agree - these children will be scared and frightened and we need to be prepared for that in whatever way we have to.
LID 10/26/05
November 14th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
Dh (38) and I (41) will be first time parents and as our referral time inches closer we talk more and more about the possible realities of bringing our daughter home. We have had lots of experience with children and are very involved in the lives of our 9 nieces and nephews. Of course, we know being parents will be a completely different experience. However, I am glad that we’ve done the poopy diaper, tubby time, trying to dress a contortionist type things before. As much as we would love it to be all sunshine and roses when we get home we live in the real world and are trying to be ready for anything.
When we first started the adoption process we did a lot of research, attended educational classes, read tons of books, and tried to learn as much as we could. As the wait has extended we’ve spent more time getting excited about new baby purchases (crib, stroller, clothes, etc.). This post is a good reminder of the big picture….time to re-read the books I read last year!
RQ, thank for all your efforts.
TJ
10.18.05
November 14th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
EJsMom2B mentioned With Eyes Wide Open. You can also take the With Eyes Wide Open online course at http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org . It is $30. In addition, Adoption Learning Partners has several other courses that you can take for free if you don’t need the certificate at the end. I took several of them, in addition to reading several books on adoption, before adopting my first daughter. I was pretty much obsessed at that point, after experiencing IF and several failed IVFs, that I just spent all of my wait time preparing for this adoption, and taking and re-taking ALP courses for fun. Let me tell you, overpreparing was DEFINITELY the way to go.
We did have to break some of the rules outlined by some of the attachment courses because my husband went in the hospital for an infection he contracted in China, and I really needed help from family so I could care for the baby and be with him whenever I could–babies weren’t allowed in the hospital. But, understanding the reasons for those suggestions helped me deal much better with a less-than-ideal homecoming, and helped me give my daughter what she needed while checking on my husband.
We are with a new agency that requires different ALP courses from what we took last time (including With Eyes Wide Open), and I am looking forward to learning even more. If you’ve got extra time, I’d check it out!
November 14th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
I want to second “shanggirls” on the hearing thing……….I was VERY concerned about my daughter in China…….she obviously had some physical delays (not too bad) which I expected, but the cyring!!!!! and the UP EVERY 20 MINUTES ALL NIGHT!!! ugh!!! NOT prepared for that! However, not being a first time mom, I could tell she was CLEARLY sick……….the antibiotics and other meds I brought and gave just wouldn’t cut it though. So, for 3 weeks in China I was extremely nervous and tired and then when I got home, frustrated, more tired and sometimes angry. Well, 2 weeks after we got home we had the tubes put in her ears. She is a DIFFERENT KID!!!!!!!! The very first night she slept thru the nite with no wakings and has ever since with very few exceptions. She has started saying words, and is sooooooooo sweet. Can she still pitch a good fit? She sure can!!! But when we saw the ENT he said that he sees TONS of adopted Chinese girls and most need tubes or have perforations that need to be repaired (but that must wait to age 3 or 4 and by then they have lost valuable language development time due to diminished hearing), so make sure to get with your Dr. ASAP if you think ears are a prob. I am SURE my daughter lived most of her first 10 mo. w/ ear infections as EVERY photo I have of her at the SWI she has purple tincture of violet all over both ears.
November 14th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
RQ- Great message! While I have been researching and trying to prepare ourselves for the “worst” in settling in- I am also trying to teach my kids during the wait what life may be like. My oldest 2 sons- will remember what it was like to have a new sibling- but it is different than bringing home a newborn. That newborn needs your attention and love- but does not want to share toys, food and cuddles with their siblings. My youngest son will most certainly have the hardest adjustment-as he has been the baby for 2 years and the older two usually give into him. So I am trying to prepare them now for what it will be like. We read books and talk about how life would be different with another, younger “baby” in the house. I know all the talking may not do much to quell the frustration they may feel when their new sister is home and occupying mom’s time, lap and sharing their other favorite things- but they will be better prepared than if I did not speak to them now. My dh and I have been saying- maybe the long wait will be good for our family- as it will give the kids just a little more time to grow up so they can understand a little more when their sister does come home. It will be a happy event no doubt- but I am sure there will be many a trying moment as well.
November 14th, 2006 at 4:26 pm
Our 5 yr old has been asking for a baby sister since she was 2! I was so proud of her as she lovingly patted her new sister who screamed so loud and so long on the HOUR ride home from the airport that she threw up!!!! That has been the hardest part for big sister………baby sister screaming her brains out in the car seat right next to her. Still,she showers her with kindness the whole time. Sometimes when I am at my wits end I am amazed at how understanding sis can be. She will say to her “it’s ok, sissy” and tell me “she’s just a baby”. She has just been so very accepting of even the hard parts of a new sister. She’s even had to give up on owning the MOST coveted Polly Pockets that EVERY kid her age has. She says “I really want Polly Pockets, but I know I’ll have to wait until sissy grows up because she can choke on them” :)
November 14th, 2006 at 4:40 pm
I am so hoping that having the experience with 2 very active twin boys will help me in some way. Although they are my biological children, they were both very colicky newborns, and that was THE most difficult time in my life. It ranks way way above the rigors of medical school and residency! :) We also have a daughter adopted at birth. I have tried to educate myself on the unique circumstances of an internationally adopted and orphanage-raised child. Will I be prepared? I would like to think so, but I know when I’m in the midst of a difficult time, it is sometimes impossible to see that things will get better. It makes it even more difficult when that parent-child relationship is just developing.
Thanks, RQ, for bringing this subject to the forefront. Adoptive families need to know where to get the help and support they need and not be afraid to ask for it.
November 14th, 2006 at 4:44 pm
Sometimes WE might need the therapist more than our child. I agree to get educated about the child’s attachment, but I think a lot of us end up being surprised that we need just as much work as the child.
I have bio kids and I love my adopted daughter just as much as them, but I think the road to bonding and attachment is different because they come to us as older babies or toddlers with distinct personalities, needs, etc. I have been surprised at how much work I need to do, although I was very ready for the work I thought she might need.
I’d spend the waiting time making sure that you have a therapist or someone with some training to talk to just in case.
November 14th, 2006 at 4:51 pm
Great thread RQ! Unfortunately babies are not born with an instruction manual, and books can only give you ideas to try - each child is an individual. Being a first time mum is daunting at the best of times, but with an adopted child it brings it’s own set of issues, which never seem to be addressed properly. Luckily, with IA becoming a more common way of forming a family, it is starting to be addressed. My 2 boys are Korean, and although they come out a little younger than those from China my experience with the 2 was very different. Sleep deprivation was a major problem 1st time round - and when you are trying to cope without family to help and then have a SW turn up on your step the week you return home tut tutting when you tell them your 16 week old child is already on solids you confidence is shattered. In Australia there are still alot of health care professionals that don’t understand IA, and put extra pressure on you. You feel like you need to be the perfect mother to show that you have the right to parent a child. While the SW was there, Samuel woke up, and was his energetic bouncing self, and the SW quickly changed her tune, that yes he probably did need solids to keep up with his pace of activity. I was also put through the very stressful situation where when we visited our local Baby Health Service, I was made to feed my child and they watched to ensure I was doing it ‘right’. Within 4 weeks I was starting to show the signs of PND - and was worried if I said anything that they would take my child away. Luckily with the support of my husband, and a very lovely lady who lived across the street from us, We got through. She would phone every morning to see how I was going, and if I had had a particularly bad night, would come over to play with Samuel so I could have an hours sleep or a shower. This was particularly helpful when DH was away with work. For the first year I averaged about 4 hours sleep a night.
No. 2 was the complete reversal! Having been through tough times with Samuel, was ready for this 2nd time round and Benjamin was completely settled, relaxed and the whole process went smoothly (sleeping at night definitely helped my sanity!). Saying that, he had to have one of us around at all times. It is only now that he is 2, that everything has finally clicked - and he will happily go to pre-school, a friends house to be babysat and not cry hysterically.
Interestingly, this also happens with women who have bio children - having been through it once makes 2nd time round a little easier.
We have to try not to be perfect, and realise that each child is different. For children adopted from another country, we have to understand that we smell & look very different, and even for a young child they can sense these changes.
Don’t expect perfection, be kind on yourself - be prepared for tough times, and if they don’t occur it is a bonus! It must work, and we do survive, because there are so many of us going back a 2nd, 3rd & 4th time!
It is amazing what cuddles, kisses and love can do - and when they say for the first time - ‘love you mummy’ and give you a wet sloppy kiss you know it was all worth it!
Roxbygirl
Australia
November 14th, 2006 at 4:54 pm
Being an realistic optimist, took every opportunity to read, read and read some more about attachment, bonding, health and emotional issues, what types of delays to expect, etc. My approach for the first adoption was expect and be prepared for the very worst.
However, we were very fortunate that our daughter (adopted 2004) was happy, easy-going, and took to us very quickly. We got very, very lucky. And we know it. I don’t expect our second adoption to be the same… and once again, I am expecting the worst case scenario. And re-reading all the stuff I had before so I don’t forget.
Our story is much like LadyBug4’s. Our daughter had gross motor skill issues that needed PT, and we were able to get her that through our states early intervention program. Forget about her sleeping in a crib or bed by herself. She was petrified of being alone, screaming holy terror when put in the crib. She has slept with us since we brought her home, and has only recently taken to napping during the day in her toddler bed. (Daytime is okay - night time is still out of the question.) And yes, she has to be able to cuddle up to me at night, and must be able to touch me throughout the night. If she realizes that I’m gone (even if it is to the master bathroom) she cries out for me. But I wouldn’t trade her or the things we’ve gone through for anything. She’s worth it all. She is our joy and delight every day… and reminds us that loving her and being her parents is why we adopted.
I agree that a lot of adoption agencies paint rosy pictures to get those families to sign up. If there was one thing I would want to see, it would be agencies that would require a certain amount of interactive education before any set of parents could adopt. That the education would have to be completed prior to the submittal of a dossier, so that when they do submit that paperwork, they are clear about what the issues are and how to deal with them.
I wish more adoptive parents (or parents in general) realized that having a child is not about you… it is not an extension of yourself or your belongings. It is about them - they are separate human beings with their own personalities and quirks. And they desparately need us to love them and help them.
I’m not saying that we don’t have to take care of our mental, emotional and physical well-being as parents. But it is no longer about what makes you happy or feel good. One needs to be child-focused, not self-focused. And focusing on what the child needs from us in order for her to feel secure and loved will help the child get through whatever issues she may have.
God help me when we get our second daughter. I hope I have it in me to be a good enough mother to help her, even if she doesn’t seem to want it at first, or second, or whenever.
November 14th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
One more thing to add is that each child is different. If you’ve already adopted once be prepared that your second will react differently. Our first cried a lot and refused to walk the first 2.5 days. She wanted us and only us. Now our second did not like me at all and tolerated DH. She much prefered other people in China. Our second cried a lot more than our first. It was very heart breaking that she didn’t want me especially experiencing our first only wanting DH and me. It took about 6 months before we really saw our true children’s personalities consistantly. Now what will #3 be like???
November 14th, 2006 at 5:05 pm
I am so blessed to be a part of a great FCC group here in Palm Beach county. At our monthly meetings we have attachment experts come in a talk to us and answer questions. The information that I have received so far is invaluable, and they given us tons of reading material to take home as homework. If you haven’t joined a local group, I would strongly suggest it. I met a few people in my city who are also adopting, but they don’t want to go to any meetings, they just want to do it on their own. I often wonder if they even heard the terms’attachment” and “bonding”, I know my agency only focuses on the positive!
November 14th, 2006 at 5:11 pm
We’ve been home with our daughter since October 22 and were united with her in China on October 9th. We are one of those families who educated ourselves (I’m trained as a therapist as well although no longer practicing) on every topic possible throughout the nearly 2 year waiting time. As we planned for our trip to China, we braced ourselves for the absolute worst possible attachment issues.
Fortunately, we were very pleasantly surprised. Of course Mei-Ling has some little quirks here and there. She wasn’t given much floor time, so she has just (this week) learned to crawl at 9 months and 3 weeks old. There are many things we must keep in mind - that she really didn’t get the cuddling and tenderness than most infants received, that she might not have been fed on demand. The list goes on and on of what she was probably deprived of.
Despite any of the little issues she might have, we have nothing but respect and admiration for what our daughter has gone through in the past month and 5 days. She’s lived in 5 places in a little over a month (orphanage, 3 hotels, and our home). She flew for almost 25 hours straight. That’s enough to make any rational adult act out. Every single food she knew of is no longer given to her including her Chinese formula. She’s sleeping in a crib without her cribmate. Everything looks, sounds and smells different.
With all of that, most of the time, she has a ready smile and a great attitude. But even if she didn’t, we have to keep in mind the trauma that she has endured, whether people want to call it that or not. Her first trauma was the abandonment. Her second was the separation from the orphanage. All within 8 months time. How many adults would survive that unscathed?
So what I’m really trying to say is that if you are not prepared for parenting a child who has undergone severe trauma, then you are really setting yourself up for a tough time. Having a new baby is tough in many ways anyhow.
I’m so sorry that many parents are not well-prepared for adoption. I think it’s a failure on the part of the process. Some people enter both pregnancy and adoption wearing rose-colored glasses. Our society basically sets people up for that. It’s up to the agencies, social workers and other professionals to really help families understand. I’m thankful that we did. And I would still be just as thankful for Mei-Ling even if she were having severe issues, because I would know WHY they exist in the first place.
November 14th, 2006 at 5:14 pm
I just want to say it’s so great that everyone is sharing experiences (those that have BTDT).
I want to add…for others of us that haven’t had the time to read all the posts…what’s being said is very consistant. and it’s about talking with family, friends, and mostly other’s who’ve been or going through what we’re going through.
it’s great to be a part of this group of people here. :)
November 14th, 2006 at 5:15 pm
I thanked RQ at the beginning of this discussion but I also want to thank everyone else for sharing your experiences and perspectives. I have a renewed sense of urgency to read and understand everything I can about attachment - thank you all for your honesty.
What has been most impressive to me is that during this discussion everyone has been honest about their struggles but has also concluded telling about their experiences on a positive note… that even though it may be challenging and you may be exhausted for a while, it’s worth it and things will get better…. that kind of encouragement is priceless.
12/14/05 (11 months since our LID)
November 14th, 2006 at 5:18 pm
Oh, and let me add: I happened to encounter a parent in China who obviously was NOT prepared to parent her toddler. The child was grieving for her foster mom who she had been with for nearly 4 years. When the child would cry for “mommy”, the new mommy would scream at her “NO.” We overheard this several times. It was sickening. Then on another day, there was a little boy who was on the floor sort of pitching a tantrum, and I heard her say, “oh good - someone else got ONE like we got.”
It made us very sad to think of what that poor 4-year-old was going thr