Attachment Activities
We are in that “no rumors to speak of” time of the month.
Let’s talk about something positive. How about things we can do to foster attachment in those first weeks and months.
We all know the mantra of “only the parents feed and clothe and diaper the baby, make eye contact when giving the bottle, lots of skin to skin contact, always be there to meet their needs”. Or at least I hope we all know about those.
How about other things we can do?
Playing games in the mirror is a good one – sit with the child on your lap and make faces in the mirror, or do your arms like a bird, and see if you can get the child to mimic you.
And lets not forget finger foods and the bonding that happens around food of all kinds.
Some babies like to have lotion put on them, but be careful that you don’t use something that will break them out.
There is also the trick of picking a song to sing when things are going good. Only sing that song when everyone is happy, it should be a soothing song. After a few weeks of this you can use this song to calm the child when they are upset.
All of this depends on the age and temperament of the child, of course, but I’d be interested in hearing your ideas as well.
January 15th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Great topic RQ! I never cease to be amazed at how little people know abt. this subject! One thing we plan to do in addition to what you’ve mentioned above is to generally keep things low key around our house for the first few weeks. I know lots of people will want to see her, but we’ll hold off on any big events. I printed out an attachment assessment form the attachment link that you have listed. We plan to use that while in China to assess where’s she’s at.
January 15th, 2007 at 9:47 am
This will be baby #3 for us. Baby #1 bonded well. Baby #2 avoided eyecontact. When I fed her, we both looked in the mirror and made eyecontact that way.
Also, a cheerio on your nose will encourage the baby to look at your face.
Be careful of lotions!!!!!!!! Both times around, someone in our group put gobs of smelly lotion on their new baby and the babies broke out in horrible rashes! So you may have to forego that lovely johnson& johnson baby smell and just live with …well, how your baby really smells!
January 15th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Sigh….
I can’t wait!
January 15th, 2007 at 10:03 am
My daughter loved to move around all the time, so eye contact was done crawling on the floor with her all the time looking straight into her eyes, rocking her back and force and singing on my abdomen looking straight into her eyes and encouraging skin to skin and eye contact while she was sleeping and eating. An instant success for a rock and roll type of baby!!! She still loves to run and jump, but she always comes back for hugs!! And I love to run with her.
PS Great way to get into shape. My arms were so swore the first two weeks that I could not unbend them from all the activity. However, I would not have changed anything.
January 15th, 2007 at 10:05 am
i bought LOTS of bandaids and let dd1 put them all over me! it helped with her fine motor skills and encouraged her to touch me.
January 15th, 2007 at 10:08 am
I love this topic…. it has made me to decide to buy the mirrored closet doors I have wanted for a long time instead of just painting our existing bi-fold doors (as I was going to do)… I think it will be well worth the money.
Curious… have lots of you picked one song to sing to your daughter as a calming song? If so, which one did you pick?
January 15th, 2007 at 10:15 am
I carried my daughter EVERYWHERE! Around the house, in the yard, at the store. And if she wasn’t in my arms, she was in the snugli. I also talked to her too – look at those onions! We need to get some onions today. We need two. See the brown skin? – On and on. In fact, she still (at 4 years old) wants to be carried.
We also played on the floor together a lot and would dance to music when we played.
January 15th, 2007 at 10:16 am
The song idea is a good one! I had a few in my arsenal to use. Our son bonded easily, so I often used this more for soothing. When my son was a baby and I was home alone with him, the only way I could get a shower was to strap him into his seat/carrier thing, set him on the bathroom floor, and sing to him while I took the fastest shower of my life. When he got a little older and became a fan of Sesame Street, he loved a song that Grover sings with Madeline Kahn — we just call it the “Echo” song. He’s 7 and I still use it occasionally to help him fall asleep if he needs it. When he was a baby, it was needing to hear my voice for reassurance; now as an older kid I think it just brings back that comforting feeling. I think singing and using music can be very powerful.
I also took a lot of naps with him right on top of me. People (ok, one of my sisters-in-law) kept encouraging me to lay him down for his naps, but I didn’t want to. I loved holding him while he slept — even when it made my arms ache and fall asleep. I think it did wonders for him — hearing my heart beat, learning my mama scent, feeling warm and protected. I have to say, he is now an incredibly snuggly boy. He absolutely loves having mama and daddy “snuggies.”
It’s weird because I was very ignorant of attachment/bonding strategies when we brought him home 6.5 years ago, but somehow I think I managed to do some things right. I am now aware of things I did that are considered big no-no’s, but we seemed to have survived that ok.
Great topic, RQ. Feel free to throw in any rumors that come your way! :)
clem
January 15th, 2007 at 10:19 am
We’ve been home since late Oct – one of the things our daughter LOVED was playing “bonk heads” – the day after we got her, while we were waiting in the civil affairs office to finalize the adoption, I lowered my forehead to hers, gently touched my forehead to hers and said, “Bonk!” She laughed out loud for the first time and still loves the game. She has attached beautifully and I think part of the reason is all the time I’ve spent on the floor playing with her – all the stuff you instinctively do with a baby – blow on their tummies, nibble on their toes, pat their hands on your cheeks…etc. Granted, we’ve been incredibly blessed with a baby who was sooooo ready to attach. You always hear that, “the baby is not over in China waiting for you,” but our daughter acted like she HAD been waiting for us! She was so happy to have two people to dote on her, play with her, and meet all of her needs. Yes, we know how lucky we are!
January 15th, 2007 at 10:24 am
I have a question specific to co-sleeping.
We plan to try it to foster attachment, but as first time parents we feel unsure about certain aspects. These may be silly but here we go:
1. We have a queen-size bed. Do we buy a king size comforter to make sure that everyone stays covered?
2. She will get her own pillow, placed between our pillows. But with three pillows, is she in danger of ending up with one of them over her face?
3. We have a Japanese-style bed. There is no place to attach the side bed guards. The bed is not very high, but we still wonder if she’s in danger of falling off before we go to bed.
4.Do we need to buy some mattress cover in case she has an accident so big that the diaper doesn’t catch it all? Do they sell ones for queen sized beds?
We will test co-sleeping in China. At home, we’ll be set up for both situations; she in our bed, or me sleeping in her room.
Thanks for any input.
Nazar
9/29/05
January 15th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Hi everyone! Great topic! I have been home for a week now (jet lag was horrible — be prepared!) and feel the same way as lovemygirls — I didn’t think my daughter was waiting for me but she certainly acted like she was! Bonding is going great but I am not taking anything for granted — I am typing with her in the hip carrier asleep on my lap as we speak. the house looks like it blew up — no housework is getting done, just bonding! If I could give one suggestion it would be to invest in a good hip carrier (hip panda, ergo, walking rock farm are some) for China and home — I think not putting her in a stroller really helped her bond. Since we have been home she will crawl and get the hip carrier, bring it to me, and clap when I put it on and lift her into it.
As for songs — I make mine up! I sing words like “I love my baby. We are a family. We went to China. Now we are home.” etc over and over. She loves it as do her older brothers, 9 and 6.
I know there will be bumps in the road ahead as far as bonding, but this whole experience has been the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I hope referrals come quickly for all waiting — it truly is a miracle to hold your baby for the first time.
WFP
dor 11-2
home 1-7-07
January 15th, 2007 at 10:36 am
The songs that I would sing to Kylie are “You are my sunshine” and “Twinkle twinkle little star.” I would also caress her cheek while feeding her the bottle. My husband would rub her tummy at bedtime which worked wonders at getting her to fall asleep.
In the hotels in China we spent a lot of time in front of the mirror. Our daughter loved to “dance” and we’d dance in front of the mirror. It cracked her up. BTW, she was 8 months old at the time.
January 15th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Great topic! Our daughter was 14 months, wasn’t walking but was very well cared for. She bonded with Daddy but could have cared less if I existed, beyond preparing her bottles ;-) One of the things I did has proven invaluable to us. I pointed to myself and said, “I” then pointed to my heart and said, “love” then pointed to her and said “you.” I know this seems pretty elementary, but a year after we were home, out of the blue she repeated this to me!
The entire time we were in China I carried her in a Snugli, facing me. It calmed her and was the only way she’d have anything to do with me.
I also lotioned her and gently massaged her (Aveeno Creamy moisturing oil rocks!).
Once home, I had a little trouble rocking her to sleep with the chaos of the other kiddos and TV, so I moved a rocking chair into my room and rocked her, bottle fed her and gently talked her to sleep.
We also called her by her given nickname for a few days, gradually switching to her new name.
Our daughter also suffered from night terrors, eventually increasing to every 15 minutes. We *finally* recognized what they were based on books we’d read pre-adoption and were able to take steps to decrease them.
That was 2 years and 3 months ago, and she’s completely bonded now! How blessed we are.
I’m anxious to read others’ tips on this subject as well. We just can’t know too much.
CJ
LID 10/10/05
January 15th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Nazar,
Sorry I don’t have any info on co-sleeping. We put our daughter in a crib from day one and never had any problems.
Just wanted to warn you that it may be very difficult to try co-sleeping while in China. We had twin beds (separated by a nightstand) at every hotel. And the beds were tiny (and did I mention rock-hard and uncomfortable? lol)
Just thought I’d mention it…
January 15th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I can not wait to bond with our daughter, so I have been learning a few simple Chinese lullabies to sing to her as well as a few phrases in Mandarin as I know that is what she is use to hearing. With my son we did a lot of dancing to bond, or swaying I should say. I did this skin to skin holding him in a cradle position so that we could have eye contact and I plan on doing this with Miah as well. As I have researched her orphanage, others before me have given great information on the fact that the nannies use Cd’s and I plan on getting as many as I can in China to play for her. They also play Chinese cartoons in the nursery and I have a plan to buy those that I can find as well. I will use them to fill the house with familiar sounds while we play. My all time favorite bonding with James (also adopted) was bath time together. There was a real need for him to trust me there and it seemed to work the best for us. Happy bonding!
January 15th, 2007 at 10:45 am
I have two bio children. My little girl was a colicky infant and needed alot of close contact. Something that worked great for us was bathing together. I would sit in the bath with her when she was able to sit and we would splash and play…even younger I would sit in with her in a small bathtub sling and be in the water while she was in the bath sling. On particulary colicky days a warm bath and while nursing was all that would calm her down. I am not a parent that will do the co-sleeping so I find other ways such as bathing, infant massage etc. plus being a stay at home mom I am constantly with my kids, talking to them , teaching them and loving on them. Oh, and slow dancing to my favorite Van Morrison song was a nightly ritual before bedtime when she was an infant and it really soothed her.
January 15th, 2007 at 10:48 am
sophie_mom – good information. That may really affect future sleeping arrangements. Let me change add to the previous questions then:
When not co-sleeping, was your baby in your room, did you move into her room (for how long), or did she sleep alone?
January 15th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Any recommendations on books related to this topic? I know there are other posts elsewhere, but it is easier to ask here cause ya’ll are on the subject :)
January 15th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Cheerios were a huge hit for us, and I love the Cheerios on the nose idea! I hadn’t thought about the mirror – great idea! And singing and dancing are wonderful. Our song was/is Hush Little Baby, and a Chinese lullaby, Shway-ba (sp???).
CJ
January 15th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Hi Nazar,
In China she slept in a crib and pack ‘n play (the hotel in her province only had pack ‘n play). She did great with both.
Once we got home, from day one, we put her in her crib in her room. She was not in her room. We have a Sharper Image baby monitor that had a video camera so we were able to watch her. The monitor was wonderful and we plan on using it for #2. We never had any problems with her sleeping in her own room.
We never tried co-sleeping for a few reasons. Mostly because my husband tosses and turns and I worried that he would crush her. My daughter to this day (now 3 years old) is a light sleeper, so the co-sleeping wasn’t an option. But I would have loved to sleep with her.
January 15th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Great topic RQ,
My daughter loved the song by Elmo: C is for cookie; its good enough for me…..
We changed it to C is for Catherine and changed the other words to say we loved her so much, but kept the tune…. she loved it ; learned her english name and started calling herself by it within a week of leaving China (at 12.5 months) and could identify the actual letter ‘C’ by the age of 16-17 months and it is the first letter she learned to print later at 3. Who knew it would have such a lasting impression when I packed an Elmo DVD at the last minute before we left for China!
I don’t think it matters what the song is; so long as you are relaxed when you sing it.
As for sleeping arrangements; we put the beds together in China and put the baby between us, but with her own special baby blanket.
January 15th, 2007 at 11:00 am
I’d highly recommend wearing your baby around the house – we use Maya slings and their old style pouch sling. My baby would scream as if her heart was breaking if I so much as left her sight – and to leave the room, you’d think she was being abandoned all over again. So that I could do “something” aside from sit/stand and hold her all day (ie, make myself tea, fix lunch, fold laundry, let the dogs in/out, etc) I wore her nonstop – if we weren’t in bed, we were “slinging” together. :)
We also co-slept, using a bed my husband made out of wood – like a toddler bed (fits a crib mattress), only with 3 sides, and the open side fits right against our (queen) bed. We tried having her in the middle between us, but that didn’t work – honestly I think she got too hot! So, her dad made the little co-sleeper bed – we put a sheet on the mattress, and then a lamb’s wool, and she had a small quilt or baby fleece blanket. That worked SO well! Anytime she fussed in the night, I just reached over and patted her back, so she rarely even got into full-blown crying or screaming at night.
And it was absolutely wonderful to feel her tiny hand patting my face to wake me up – waking into her smiling face was such a joy! (I had 3 teens at the time, too, so believe me, a smiling face in the morning was amazing!)
I’d to sing You are my sunshine to her, only I’d get silly with the lyrics – you are my bunshine (we call her bunny, born year of), etc. LOTS of silly singing, all the time. (Heh – she’s the only one who will still tolerate my singing. Let’s just say, Simon Cowell would curl up and DIE to hear my singing!)
I also read read read and talk talk talked to her ALL the time. Oh look at that, see the bird? Look at the pretty blue bird? See it? Oh look, it’s flying! (etc, etc) about every thing we saw or heard.
Now she’s 7, and can’t wait til her baby sister is her (me either!) and she can sing silly songs – as we assume new baby will be born year of the dog, Thea’s practicing with Boynton’s “Snuggle Puppy” song. :) I highly recommend Boynton books – they are SO cute and silly! Barnyard Dance was Thea’s favorite and we still act it out all around the house (yes, if you drove by, you’d think we were all insane!).
January 15th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Nazar,
We slept with our son. Babies don’t need, or even want pillows most of the time, so I wouldn’t use one. WHen he decided to use one, mommy’s pillow was the best. He likes to have his face right next to mine. We have a queen bed, and we fit well until he was 4. By then, he was in his bed most of the time anyway. We never had a cover issue either. With all of the warm bodies in the bed, the temperature stays quite comfy. I would get a plastic cover for your matress. DIapers get pretty full at night when they are sleeping through. If you put your matress pad over top of it, you won’t even notice it. I’m sure there are web sites all over the place with information on co-sleeping. YOu will find a lot of great information about how to handle particulars like preventing babies from falling from beds.
January 15th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Nazar, just to add to the above, there’s an online site (can’t find it now, of course!) that sold what looked like a really useful co-sleeping thing: a thick square sleeping pad with a long tube-bolster-cushion along one edge (would go at bed edge to prevent falling off). Can pack and travel and create instant co-sleeping-safe beds anywhere; cover zips off and washed. maybe if you googled ‘co-sleeping’ & ‘products’ you’d find it.
having said that, humans have been co-sleeping for thousands and thousands of years without need for special products; it’s probably pretty damn simple!
January 15th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Oh how I wished I knew all of this when we adopted our son! Although, he is a well adjusted and bonded child to us, I cringe at some of the mistakes I made. Here is a question about hip carriers. What is the maximum weight of most and is there any specific one that someone would highly recommend? During my “first-time parent ignorant stage”, I didn’t use one because I thought they were for only infants. Thank you!
January 15th, 2007 at 11:30 am
When DD arrived my son that was 5 made up this song and it stuck “Baylee, Baylee little Baylee Boo. I love Baylee! Do you love Baylee too?” It helped with her learning her new name and was easy enough for all to sing.
This is a great topic. We had people that did not understand bonding time, but I would be a little mean and kick them out. :)
January 15th, 2007 at 11:44 am
As a grandma-to-be that has been lurking here for several months now I understand the attachment thing ONLY because I’ve been reading all I can about adopting. Even when my son and daughter-in-law had told me about attachment I sort of poo-pooed it. Please get your family to read and understand why it’s so important that the parents be the only one caring for the baby. I would have felt so left out if I wasn’t aware of the bonding that needed to take place.
I don’t think I’ve been as excited with any grandchild as this upcoming one because of my involvement with the Rumor Queen site even though it’s just been as a lurker.
January 15th, 2007 at 11:48 am
This is a great thread! When we returned 3.5 years ago with our first daughter, resources like this were hard to find. Now, it seems that everyone is up to speed on how to promote attachment. It’s wonderful.
If we could do it all over again with our first daughter, we would have co-slept! Our pediatrician told us NOT to do it, that it would be a bad habit to break!!! Silly us, we figured that she knew what she was talking about. We are LID 9/29/05 for DD#2 and will co-sleep from the start. After reading these posts, we are thinking about ditching the stroller and just using our hip hammock for the baby while we are in China, too.
One other note on attachment. We did try ‘baby massage’ and rub lotion on the baby to relax her and to promote attachment. It didn’t work. Our daughter had some sensory issues that masked themselves as attachment issues. With some OT (brushing therapy for tactile defensiveness and listening therapy for filtering noise) we were able to finally massage her with lotions. Baby massage is a wonderful attachment activity. Love the idea of a song during the happy times. We’ll do that this time!!!
RQ, thank you for addressing attachment. What a great service to all of us.
Joan
http://www.chinamomsonline.com
January 15th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Such great advice and a fun topic!
We co-slept with our son and you do not need a pillow for a baby, in fact, I think it’s dangerous. You’ll be amazed at how aware you are of them in the bed with you but those co-sleeper cribs are a great idea if you are a *really* sound sleeper (I’m not) or really heavy.
Let me also second the advice to get a waterproof mattress cover! They have some really nice ones and it’s WELL worth the money and extra effort.
January 15th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Our daughter was almost 2 when we got her, and she did fine sleeping in her own room in her bed. HOWEVER, I would say a BIG question to ask is 1) Were the lights on when she slept? and 2) Was there any noise when you put her down? (i.e. did you have a radio on). When she wouldn’t go to sleep, it took forever to figure out if she was use to a light room, or a dark room; was it totally quiet or did they have a radio on; did people move around the room when she was trying to go to sleep or were the folks sitting quietly in a corner just watching the kids? With our next daughter these will be some of the first questions we ask!
We had no attachment problems from day 1, and we DID have a stroller. I’m not saying she bonded automatically with us, but she wasn’t scared of us, she looked us in the eye, she played with us, she ate, and she generally wanted to stay with us, instead of being held by someone else.
We did sing some songs, and one of our favorites was “Sing, Sing a Song”. A Sesame Street Favorite.
We also talked to her constantly, in China as well as home. (Time for supper! We’re walking to the refrigerator. Here is some milk! etc etc.)
A little off subject, but another thing to prepare yourself for is we had small blocks for her to play with. We all sat down on the floor to play, and the first thing our DD did was pick them all up! We realized she didn’t really know how to play. She learned quickly, but it wasn’t something I realized that would happen. (And I did a LOT of reading before i left for China).
January 15th, 2007 at 11:58 am
I’ve been doing a modified co-sleeping arrangement with my daughter. She goes to bed at about 8, which is waaaayy too early for me, since I need to get some things done at night. Plus, she tosses and turns like an acrobat in her sleep, at least until she reaches deep sleep. So, when she wakes up at night, around 3 or 4, I bring her to my bed, so we can wake up together, which she loves. When she wakes up, we spend about 15 minutes playing, cuddling, etc.
Someone mentioned the “bonking” game…I have found that anything involving me looking incredibly ridiculous is hilarious and intriguing to my daughter. We play “tug of war” a lot, where she wins and I fall backwards in a huge dramatic fashion with lots of noise, which she absolutely loves. We make faces at each other and I often repeat her sounds back to her, both of which she just finds hysterical. She will mimic me quite a bit, but just finds it too funny when Momma mimics her!
Nazar, my daughter (at one year Wednesday!) doesn’t use a pillow and throws all covers off of her anyway. The bedrails were a must though.
January 15th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
WaitingforNoel…yes! I had picked out “Tis a gift to be simple”. How lovely that this topic should come up. I had made a list of sweet songs to sing to her, but had decided on the one above to be our happy, calming song. Some I chose are old spirituals; one was Emmylou Harris’ “If I needed you, would you come to me?” My husband is the one who makes up adorable lyrics. Not me. Thanks for this topic, RQ.
WaitingforPink, you brought tears to my eyes. Hisgirlre, great idea on the Chinese lullabies. I’m copying all these good ideas to read to dh on our way out today.
Blossombaby
January 15th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Hi – I’m a first time poster, long time lurker. I love this site RQ – Thank you for your time!
We co-slept with our boys (now 5 & 10) until they were around 4 and had no problems.
I think it helped make them the loving kids they are now.
Our 5 yr. old still comes and gets in the bed with us around 4:00 a.m. and my big 10 year old will still come plop in my lap even though he about knocks me off the chair! So be prepared for the long haul but it is worth it. We plan to do this with our new little one but we were not sure about what she would be used to in her particular SWI. We my use a co-sleeper type bed to attach to our queen bed. That way she has her own space but I would still be right there to comfort her.
January 15th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I have a question for those that have travelled to China……how long did it take to get your child use to the new time zone and how did you do it? I am concerned as to how long this process takes once we return.
Thanks
Dave
January 15th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Sherry–
Sandra Boynton books are the best!! We would read Barnyard Dance, The Going to Bed Book , and Moo Baa La La La every night when our son was a little guy. Now I often give them as shower/birthday gifts. Reading to kids is so important, and it is great to have fun books like hers.
January 15th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I came across this interesting article:
http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=418 (copy and paste it on your address line.)
It really puts you in the baby’s perspective and it quite powerful.
Just to warn, you probably should have a tissue handy!
January 15th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Dave~
Just our experience and may not be typical, but our daughter adapted to the new time within 4 days (much quicker than we did!!!)
We fought the urge to crash at 3 p.m. and tried to get up at our normal time, despite the NT. We kept her SWI nap schedule, and if she slept longer than normal we’d wake her. It can be really tough but worth the effort in the long run!
CJ
LID 10/10/05
January 15th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
… as an addendum to my previous post regarding time adjustment, I’ve also heard we should allow one day for every day of travel. That’s probably very reasonable. Slightly off topic, to have extra meals frozen and easy to prepare is priceless! If anyone asks how they can help, meals are great!
CJ
January 15th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Our 8 y/o bio son contracted E.coli meningitis at ten days old – 22 days in a sterile hospital environment can wreak havoc on the bonding experience. One thing, that I still to this day believe, helped him survive the first night was skin to skin contact. This is obviously for the younger child but massage and touching for a child who will allow it can prove very beneficial. The other thing I did was dance with him – he loved when I hummed the Alley Cat and did the dance. I did it everyday around the same time and it would put him to sleep. He gets a big laugh any time we talk about it.
Jo-Anne
January 15th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
We’ve been working on attachment since bringing our daughter home. We found that even though she was very secure at first, different ages bring different stages and different levels of awareness so attaching is really a long term process that ebbs and flows and different times bring different levels of security and anxiety over attachment.
Here are some ideas (many already mentioned):
wearing the baby a lot (in a sling or whatever works)
lots of positive talking to baby
lots of physical contact, cuddling, back rubs
television while sitting together touching/holding
holding hands and games where you hold hands (ring around the rosy)
clapping games (pat-a-cake)
bathing together (and any other skin to skin contact)
games (like peek a boo or anything that engages them and makes them laugh)
co-sleeping or staying in same room
bottle feeding (extended bottle feeding is okay, too)
breast feeding (with a supplementor)
point out things that are the same (color of your hair, your smile, your sense of humor, your love for art, etc.)
rocking
singing (I often replace her name or nickname for another word in song like “You are my Hannah, my only Hannah”, etc.)
fingerplays
wearing matching clothing – fosters sense of belonging
love letters in backpack/lunch bag/daycare bag to read when they are away from you (an adult can read it to them if they are pre-reading age)
Photos around the house at child’s eye level that include all family members…next to her bed especially helpful for bedtime
Photos of family to take to daycare, school, etc.
I think the most important thing realize that whether you see issues or not, attachment is happening and is a long process with ups and downs. Patience, humor and emotional availability is important. Raising an adopted child is much like raising a bio. child, but also different in many ways, too (for instance, a tantrum for an adopted child may be about anxious attachment or trauma, so to ignore or walk away from a tantruming child, as is sometimes recommended for bio. children, may not be appropriate at all. Also, some suggest “time ins” instead of “time outs, etc.). Approaching some behavioral issues, etc. may require a different approach to be healing.
January 15th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
I was blessed with a baby SO ready to bond the first time around. She really made it easy but I made sure I did what I could to nuture this bond. I didn’t use a stroller and carried her, facing me, with lots of skin-to-skin contact. I co-slept with my DD in China and ever since (she’s 4 now and will sometimes sleep in her own bed). The beds in China are small, but it’s doable. Really, she would have it no other way. I placed her in the crib the first night, after rocking and singing her to sleep, and 30 minutes later she began lifting and banging her body against the mattress. It was scary. I picked her up and brought her into bed with me (w/o her even waking up) and she snuggled into my side and slept peacefully the rest of the night. Even now, in the middle of the night, in her sleep, she reaches out for me with her foot or her hand. When she was an infant, she didn’t use a pillow and she had her own blanket (I was afraid I’d shift in the night and cover her head with any shared blankets). Now, if I put blankets on her she fights her way out of them within minutes. I, too, limited visitors the first 2 months after we came home.Close family only and only a few times a week. We played lots of games that required looking into each others eyes (peek-a-boo was a favorite–she was 9 months old) and I danced with her in my arms–she loved this so much she’d cup my face in her hands and laugh, bringing her head to rest against mine. As far as jet-lag, it took a good 3 days before she was used to the time change. Now, my daughter is very well adjusted and loving. She still likes to be picked up, often will plop down on my lap when I’m sitting and will then rub our hands or arms when she’s being held.
January 15th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
rmcel; our daughter adjusted within the first 24 hours to the time change, but I think she did this because she was so exhausted (she stayed up for the whole trip back on the plane; and yup she screamed most of it; mind you this was because she had a bad reaction to Benadryl; 5% of children get hyper and 95% get sleepy). Mine got hyper; poor sweetie.
And before you ask; I gave her Benadryl because she had an allergic reaction to some food she ate on the day of departure in Beijing; so hard to say if it was the allergic reaction, or the Benadryl. We all survived and thank goodness she decided to adapt really quickly to the time change (just in time for the both of us to sleep for the next 14 hours).
When we both woke up the next day; we felt more like ourselves; although it still took a good week to really feel normal. Thank goodness, because the next morning she taught herself to walk; compliments of her big sister!!
CJ is right; if your friends want to help; ask them to give you food that you can freeze; my friends and family did and it really helped.
January 15th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
During our 1st adoption, our SW suggested swimming as a means of bonding. It was a great way to promote attachment and bonding. Swimming creates close proximity (holding your child) and trust.
January 15th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
we were also lucky to have a daughter who was full of love that she wanted to give and wants nothing more than to be loved. but it did take a little while (we have been home 2 months) to understand what that meant to her. so for example she does not really care for me to kiss her cheeks, but she loves (endlessly!) for me to kiss her forehead or to eskimo kiss. she also does not really like me to hug her tightly (although she could be carried all day!) but rather prefers to put her head under my chin and nuzzle in.
our daughter loved direct eye contact from the very start. if you were not looking in her direction she would move (sometimes leaning completely over) in order to capture your eyes and then smile.
we were NOT quick to adapt to the time change. i joke it is because there is not much difference between day and night here right now in the northwest. but basically it took about a couple of weeks for us to shift to “day” and then another couple of weeks to shift to the time we wanted to be up in the morning (and asleep at night). now she sleeps great (although not big on the nap). this was probably the hardest part for me because it is hard to bring all that you should to the interaction when all you are really doing is praying for some sleep.
January 15th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Nazar- I was able to get a large bed to co-sleeo- well okay, not large, let’s face it, probably full-sized – but me, my toddler daughter and my older daughter at 11 all fit. I was very pushy about insisting that my agency’s coordinator, when making reservations, get me a room with one big bed. I stressed it over and over. It was really important for us, as my daughter was 2 years 9 months and was really resistant to attaching to me for the first couple of weeks in China. Sleeping together really did help – and even though she was capable of feeding herself and drinking from a cup I made sure every morsel of food went from my hand to her mouth, and I held the cup – later the bottle – when she drank. These two things I think really made it clear to her that I was going to be the one that she got all food from, and that I would be a source of warmth and comfort at night. So I would be a pain about it – argue with the hotel for the biggest bed you can get. I had no problem at the 3 hotels we were at, though the arrangements were… “cozier” than here in the states!
January 15th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Our local chapter of FCC brings food for the first week – they just drop dinner off each evening. While I haven’t brought my daughter home yet, I have volunteered to make dinner. I can only imagine that it makes life so much easier to not worry about that meal each day.
January 15th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Sandra Boynton books are the best!! We would read Barnyard Dance, The Going to Bed Book , and Moo Baa La La La every night when our son was a little guy. Now I often give them as shower/birthday gifts. Reading to kids is so important, and it is great to have fun books like hers.
Clementine, I do the same thing! Now my brother-in-law is into them too. Do you have any of the music CDs? Oh MY are they GREAT!
In fact, I’m humming “cows… we are remarkable cows, hmmm hmm” Going to search ‘em out and play now! – I think one is Philidelphia Chickens and the other is Dog Train. :)
January 15th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Our daughter has been home over a year now. Bonding was going very well until the sixth month home where she started having some sleep issues wich we solved by some “supper bonding” sessions and an extensive bed time ritual. One of the things we did to slowly ease her into bed after her bedtime books was to say “good night” to everyting in her room, “good night lamp”, bed, rug and so on. Once in her bed we would then say good night toes, kiss the toes, good night knees, kiss the knees, good night belly button, elbow, hand, wrist and so on. She gets lots and lots of kisses before bed! My daughter just loved it. We would then play peeK a boo (just saying “peek”) which would then change into the game of naming all the parts of my face. My daughter will be two at the end of January and she still loves peek a boo and poiting out my nose every night. Of course now that she more than knows where my nose is she will point to it and say “elbow” just to be funny. We still have a pretty long bed time ritual. Lately I have been saying goodnight to her and then running back for one last kiss. This may be too confusing for those establishing good bed time practices but my daughter is ok with it at this point. I think she sees it as mommy doesnt want to leave her baby either!
Jennifer
Home since 12/07/05
DTC for # 2 January of 2007
We are prepared for the three year wait!
January 15th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
One last thought that if forgoe in my last post….our daughter had horrible excma so lotion and ointment became a bed time ritual as well. As it turned out our daugher is allergic to Eucerin. We now use Aquaphor from head to toe with no problems….a bit messy but she loves it and is always asking for “lotion”.
Jennifer
January 15th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
We sing Hush Little Baby (made up my own words) and my husband made up a song for our son Binky Boy Joe, Binky Boy Joe, got one in his mouth you know. My son at 4 will immediately stop what he is doing and go to my husband and hug him when he sings this song.
Thanks everyone this is a great topic. Just hope I can remember all the great info about attachment when my turn comes.
LID late March
January 15th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
One thing I’ve read and would like comments on – you should wear the same lotion/perfume/body spray all the time in China and at home for a while so your child gets used to your “unique” smell. If your child is not allergic, he/she should also wear the lotion/perfume/body spray so you both smell the same.
For those BTDT parents, what do you think of this idea? Thanks!!
Kathy
LID 11/1/05
January 15th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
This is such an important topic!
I skimmed through the replies and there is a lot of good advice. What I recommend is to “wear” your baby as much as possible. I used a hip hammock and it was very comfortable. Wearing not only provides lots of contact between parent and baby, but the parent’s movement helps regulate the baby – something most institutionalized babies really need.
We did not co-sleep with our daughter for various reasons. Our daughter did great sleeping alone right from the start (she slept alone in her foster home). When we adopt again we will let our baby guide our decision regarding co-sleeping. Our preference is to try to get the baby to sleep on her own as quickly as possible. However, we’ll do whatever she needs to feel secure. Co-sleeping is a good option to keep in mind should your baby really need it.
January 15th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
i love this subject.. thank you so much for prompting us to think – and thanks to everyone who is contributing their BTDT wisdom!!! the reality is sinking in to us finally with our referral pending – we’ve moved beyond the “is it really going to happen?” to “are we as prepared as we need to be?” —
LID 9/29/05
January 15th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
I just finished reading the book “Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft” and it had so many good ideas on attachement types, levels and activites. Has anyone read this and tried any of these ideas?
January 15th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Thank you lovemygirls for you post that brought sunshine to my heart! I can’t wait to meet my new daughter and play bonk heads with her!
January 15th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
I REALLY appreciate all of these posts!! I’ve read the attachment site that RQ has listed (several times!!!) but I’m sure I will read it again once we have Elizabeth.
As always, THANK YOU, RQ, for all that you do!
His,
Mrs. U
LID 9-12-05
referral 1-04-07
Leaving for China_________?
http://www.makingahouseahome.blogspot.com
and now
http://www.youbelong.net/upchurchfamily
January 15th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Attention : seeyouindepo (CJ): Would you mind emailing me personally. ecook@accesswave.ca. Our Isabelle still has terrible night terrors. I would love to chat about this. She also completely stuck to Daddy in China. I couldn’t as much as hold her unless he was sitting next to me . She would scream hysterically. Some blonde, blue-eyed Moms have mentioned that they have found the same thing with their daughter. My husband is fairly dark.
Elizabeth in Canada
January 15th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
nice topic…and kind of timely as lots of you are preparing to travel, and some of you have just returned (we’ve gone into week four now of being back)
I think all infants are going to be different…what works for some won’t work for others, etc. I think all we can do is share info/experiences and if some of you out there try it and it works…great, if not..then try another tactic. :)
Autumn attached strongly to G (mom) while in China and didn’t care for me too much until we got to GuangZhou. All I did was try to show her I was there to love and take care of her. I ended up just being silly (not too hard for me to do) around her and she ended up realising that I was fun to play with…as long as she was in mom’s arms or on her lap. When we got home, G was really sick so I had to do everything for Autumn….that helped alot. In about a day or two she wouldn’t fuss with me but when she saw mom she would have a melt down. It finally took alittle over a week before she’d be fine with me holding her or being with her when mom was in the same room. It takes time, but it works itself out.
As far as sleeping, since she was used to sleeping in a crib while in China, but yet was so attached to mom…we debated on what to do about sleeping arrangements. Since G was so sick and at that point really couldn’t handle being around Autumn we went right with putting her right in her crib in her own room for naps and bedtime. Autumn and us had a rough time of it at first…mostly because of Autumn having to adjust to our time and not China time. But, like alot of things so far with her, it didn’t take too long and with the help of a nighttime/bedtime routine (bath, reading to her, saying goodnight to me and the dogs and then some quiet time in her room without the lights)…she’s doing well and typically sleeps during the night. She might wake up in the middle of the night due to really wet or poopy diaper…or since she’s got teeth coming in, she might wake up because of that. All in all though it’s been real good the last couple of weeks.
As far as a song goes, we don’t really have a particular song…we listen to music alot and I might sing along with a song to Autumn. Usually though we find we kind of make up a song or “sing-song” things when we’re describing something to Autumn or telling/asking her things.
As mentioned, all children are different, but overall, we’ve been combining things when it comes to sleeping/eating/playing, etc. We’ve let Autumn guide us to some extent, but we’ve thrown in things we’ve learned or have been told about and of course parenting instincts to some decent success. :)
January 15th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Elizabeth~
I emailed you.
CJ
January 15th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
We just got Kylee in December and we asked our guide on the bus bringing her back about songs she might know and she sang a song to the tune of “Are you sleeping?” (cause I can’t spell Fere Jacques) It is a chinese song about two tigers – one with no ear and one with no eye or something like that…anyway we sang every version of any song with that tune and made up our own words whenever she cried and she defnitely knew the tune. Right away she was putting up her fingers when we taught her “Where is thumbkin?” So that tune was a lifesaver.
We also co-sleep–started in China on an airmattress that we brought from home. I totally recommend it! We left it in Guangzhou and got a King bed in Beijing and that worked well also. She is a rough sleeper, but it is worth it. It actually works best when hubby is away and we can share the bed. I love being able to let her know I am there and she goes right back to sleep and waking up to her is so awesome! Grandma is having a fit to “get her in her own bed” but she will eventually get over it! I am going to enjoy my baby for as long as I can!
January 15th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Our hip hammock is for up to 35 lbs…someone asked earlier.
We did the following….massage, bath time together and we were there in summer so we swam for daddy/baby skin to skin time that I was able to achieve in the bath. We also had tummy/tummy time for naps and bedtime. Whenever either of us held her in our room we made sure that we bared our chests. Once home, we did lots of floor time. Also, outdoors blanket time. Had no trouble at all.
Worried this time as our referral is a baby who will be 13+ months at “gotcha”. Our first was 9 months. Can’t wait and am ready for whatever comes our way.
Thanks for the great hints and suggestions.
January 15th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
We found a few things that helped us with our first daughter. Since she bonded to my husband right away, but had little use for me, (and that had been my greatest fear) it was a little rough at first. But I had read alot and been told by many experienced adopters not to allow that to go on for too long. So I would put her in the sling and take her out in the hall to walk where she couldn’t see him. That was the only time I got to hold her much the first few days we had her. It was really tough, but I believe it was best in our situation that we did it that way. I know some parents opt to wait them out, even waiting weeks or months for the babies to “accept” them. And it works for some. But we had been cautioned by one couple who felt it caused prolonged problems for them, and they wished they had handled it differently when their daughter bonded to the father and not the mom.
The other thing that has already been mentioned here is lotion, and massage. I can’t say enough good things about that. My daughter has been home about 16 months now, and every night she asks for her “osh” (lotion). We also sang You Are My Sunshine, ABC’s, Wheels on the Bus, etc. She would never let us hold her anyway to feed her her bottle except with her back to us. And she gave up the bottle at about 11 months on her own. Recently she saw one in the cabinet, and asked for it. I gave it to her, and she now loves to sit with me and her bottle and will look into my eyes and nurse. She doesn’t do it everyday, but when she feels the need, she lets me know, and I am allowing her to do it for now. She’s only 2, and as long as she doesn’t go to kindergarten with it, I figure we’re ok.
January 15th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
22china+; Don’t worry too much about the age difference. If you daughter was well cared for, she will likely attach well to you. My daughter was 10 months at referral and turned 12 months in China when we were there; she bonded quickly to both my husband and myself equally well. I spoke to her as much as possible using Mandarin words, but she looked at me like I was out of my mind (not really surprised given the way my pronounciation is…). When I switched to English and used some simple signing to go with it; she appeared to understand a lot better and was able to nod her head up and down and point at what she wanted. I really feel this helped with our bonding. Her first word though was BaBa ; we are never completely sure if she meant my husband or her bottle because once we gave her the bottle; she seemed to use this word for the bottle from then on.
I really like this thread. Thanks RQ for starting it.
January 15th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
My bio son co-slept with me as a baby and toddler. As he grew older, he occaisionally needed that close bonding time. I think the last time he needed to sleep with me was when he was 13 or 14 and miserable with the flu…..but by that age he wasn’t about to crawl under the covers with mom. Fortunately we had a LazyBoy nearby and he curled up there with a comforter.
January 15th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
This has been a great thread! While I am not a mom yet (lid 4.4.06) I can’t read enough about adoption and China. I’m not sure what we’ll do as far as sleeping arrangements–I never dreamed I would consider co-sleeping for reasons I can’t even remember now, but I am completely open to that idea now as it may be just what my child needs. As a matter of fact, before drifting off to sleep just the other night, I was wondering how it would work in our queen-size bed.
I really liked the idea of bringing an air mattress to China!
Thanks for all the food for thought! I do wish there were things out there for grandparents to read, so that they would better understand what attachment is and maybe better explain what we’re doing and why, so that they don’t feel excluded. Any ideas in that direction?
January 15th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
bloominchina – you should just start printing off info off the internet and either mailing it to them or ‘conveniently’ leave it out when they visit (bathroom reading?) I got so sick of my MIL criticizing our decision to co-sleep with our son that I bought Dr. Sear’s book, highlighted all of the info that supports the reasons to co-sleep and sent it to her with a letter stating that she had the opportunity to make the decisions on how to raise her children, now it was my turn to make the decisions for MY children. I told her that I knew I would make mistakes but everything that I did was for the love and best interest of my child….She has never criticized my decisions (at least openly) again.
January 15th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
bloominchina – one other thought. If the grandparents really want to help, suggestions of: cooking, dishes, laundry (they love folding baby clothes washed in Dreft!), grocery shopping, cleaning are invaluable. It will keep them busy and make them feel like they are helping while you get to bond with your child.
January 15th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
BloomInChina, check out the ‘Great Attchment Site’ link in the right-hand menu on this page. Along with many, many pages of important info is a letter to give to family and friends before you bring your baby home.
January 15th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
TG-
Thank you for the recent wealth of information. Glad you are all doing so well! it is good to see your posts again.
Kimber 10-08-05
January 15th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
pookie2shoes~ I really like that suggestion! In fact, I was so enthusiastic about it, I just bought a carrier that can go in the water! We live in Florida, so swimming would be a very accesible and easy way to promote trust and bonding! Thanks for the great tip!
January 15th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
If you and your spouse co-sleep with your baby, when do you get to have sex?
Anxious,
CRTM
January 15th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
CRTM,
You don’t get to have sex – once you become a parent, your sex life goes right into the toilet, whether you co-sleep or not :) – just kidding (sort of). We co-slept with our bio daughters and usually just sneaked off to the guest room. Our third daughter (first adoption) sleeps in a portable crib in our room – she had no interest in co-sleeping. She attaching very well, but is kind of annoyed if I try to co-sleep with her.
January 15th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Consider adoptive breastfeeding. It has amazing bonding power. There is a lot of info on Yahoo about it. Not easy, but VERY beneficial.
January 15th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
I remember looking into my daughters eyes when she was drinking her bottle. Her little fingers playing with my hand, our eyes connecting. There was no better feeling on earth. I was nourishing her and she was doing the same for me.
January 15th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
My mother and mother-in-law are both going with my husband and I to China. I’m really worried that they don’t totally understand the importance of Karsynn bonding with us first, so I’m not certain how else to approach the topic. I truly want them to go with us. It will be such a good experience for both of them, and they will be helpful to us. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone BTDT?
January 15th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
I am all for the co-sleeping. I know, you either are for it, or totally against. We did it with our daughter, from age 2 and one and off. Unfortunately, she is now almost 11 and still sleeping in our room, on a mattress, on the floor. She does have some issues with night after losing her grandfather and having bad dreams. I am hoping she will someday, soon, say enough is enough and be brave to sleep in her own room, on the other side of the house?!
January 15th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
dunedin~
I’d love to chat with you and get some info on this. I attempted this last time but without success. Can you email me privatley at cjohnson@pldi.net
Thanks!!
CJ
LID 10/10/05
January 15th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
seeyouindepo… I did read about this topic (if you google “adoption breastfeeding” or something to that like, you will get some links) and found it to be soooo completely interesting – so much to the point it made it sound like if you just start it without meds or anything, you might actually produce milk – if there is BTDT info out there, please share here! i already plan on feeding our daughter skin to skin – i think we’ll know what they need thru this bonding experience… i hope! :-) but i am open to this… and actually hoping someway it works…
January 15th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Wow!
I’ve logged in today after staying away for several days…I’m a 9/29er. What impressed me the most was how heartfelt and individual everyone’s answers were…it’s no surprise that everyone has wonderful stories of bonding with their children, whether bio or adopted. I think that the most impressive reason that we all gather here on RQ’s (fabulous) site is because we all share the traits of loving and exceptional parents! The experience of reading your posts has brought back vivid memories of my first China adoption…they’re never far away, but I truly am in tears as I write! (LOL! – What a mush!)
As to the topic…when I met DD#1, I knew her instantly. It was weird because she was bawling and no-one would let me go to her. We locked eyes and it was both devastating and wonderful at the same time. Everyone that’s been there surely knows what I mean, and everyone who is soon to experience it cannot possibly be prepared. Honest to goodness…she knew that I was the one waiting for her. This is not to say it was all good…quite the contrary…she had been in an unbelievable foster home, and I was the one who would tear her from it.
The first few nights were like the world had come to an end…the wailing coming from her was nothing short of the grief we feel as adults at the loss of a loved one, and only prompted my wailing. Essentially, we cried ourselves to sleep. The lesson here…we cried together and slept together. When she woke up each morning for those first few days, she knew two things…1) Mine was not the face she wanted or expected, and 2) Mine was the face that led her to the understanding that no other changes were eminent. After three days of this horrific routine, she began to trust me. (She cried for at least two hours per night) She hasn’t cried since (even seeing her foster family in pictures – she’s 4 now), but it took a good year for her to truly be herself. (I never realized this until I had to write the updates for China…it seemed to me initially that she took to us after those first few days)
I’ve never been so sad in my life as I was during those first few days.
For me (and I would gues everyone), meeting your child in China is wonderful, because a family is joined…sad, because a bond (whether familial or that of caregivers in an orphanage) is severed, and stressful, because people come together not knowing what to expect of each other. The only thing I have to add toward the conversation of bonding is that the time you are in China is critical…remember that your child is grieving, and it is no less devastating than what you would feel today if a parent or sibling died…it is everything familiar to your sweet girl or boy that is gone from their very short life…everything that they know. My best advice is to do what you would want others to do in the same situation…hugs, love, understanding, devotion, diversion and acceptance, overall.
For all the parents that have been there…have you met the foster parents after meeting your child?
January 15th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
dunedin,
Could you direct me to some information?
Not sure how I feel about it, but I honestly never knew it was an option.
Thanks
January 15th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
One thing we thought we would do is to spray R’s cologne on a small stuffed lamb we plan to place in her care package. Then on the day we receive her we plan to both wear that same scent. Hopefully at some point before we meet she will be given the stuffed lamb and hopefully the scent will still be on it. It is possible that she will remember the scent and it could be a plus on the day we first hold her. We thought we would use his cologne since sometimes bonding goes a little easier with mom. Just a thought.
January 15th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Hello all-
Best hip hammock or sling? What’s your opinion? I read a few posts earlier that mentioned these and cannot seem to fin them again.
Thanks
January 16th, 2007 at 12:01 am
A question for the co-sleepers: I am a little sceptical about co-sleeping because I know families with 5 year olds still in their beds. When and how do you get them to their own rooms?
January 16th, 2007 at 12:05 am
I am a big fan of co sleeping. We have a 9 year old bio son that started out in the crib as a newborn with a twin bed in his nursery for one of us to sleep in if needed. Well we ended up many nights sleeping with him in the twin bed with one of us or in our bed with all 3 of us. He is well adjusted and now sleeps upstairs by himself in his own bed with no problems. It did not affect our sex life at all. If any thing it added a little creativity. Sorry if a little Too much info. However, tonight he was a little out of sorts after a long weekend road trip and asked if i would lie down with him which I happily did until he was asleep. It only took about 5 minutes but I loved it and so did he. Any chance for a little bit of cuddle time pleases me.
January 16th, 2007 at 12:30 am
I can completely relate with bloominchina–my husband and I have begun discussing co-sleeping after reading about it in the attachment literature–something we would have never otherwise considered. We’re just comfortable in a queen given my husband’s height, so if we move towards co-sleeping, we’re thinking we need to bite the bullet and purchase a king. When I’ve looked for more information about co-sleeping on the web, generally I’m finding recommendations to place the mattress straight on the floor with no box springs. Has this been what those of you with experience co-sleeping have done? I’ve found some low platform beds on the web (nine inches in height or less), and I’m wondering if anyone has gone that route? We live in an older home that can be drafty, and I’m not sure from a respiratory health perspective that having the mattress directly on the floor is the best idea for us long term.
January 16th, 2007 at 1:47 am
“You don’t get to have sex – once you become a parent, your sex life goes right into the toilet, whether you co-sleep or not :) – just kidding (sort of). ”
I thought that happened after the honeymoon was over…
LOL.
January 16th, 2007 at 1:53 am
TGred, glad to see your post and hope you see this. A quick question. Did you find while in China that only one certain type of credit card was accepted? Or was was there more variety? We heard some info on this & wanted to check it out.
Thanks..Blossombaby
January 16th, 2007 at 2:13 am
My friend has the Hip Panda http://www.hippanda.com/ and she loves it. The Hip Panda goes up to 40 pounds and it is really comfy. I wore it at Disneyland with a 25 pound 10 month in it and it was no problem. It did not hurt at all and I plan to buy one for CHina and then to wear her around here.
I like the idea of the modified co-sleeping. I want Mia to go to bed in her room but I like the idea of waking up with her. With my bio boys, we pushed them sleeping in their rooms and we plan to do the same with Mia but I cant do the “let them cry it out” thing. I started out with just a crib and have recently added a full bed (her crib turns into a full) to help her go to sleep. Not sure how we will use it but the beds there if needed. I know babies like to wake up at HORRIBLE hours so that would be a great time to bring her into our bed so she can wake up with us. I love the early morning cuddling and my boys sometimes still come in early in the morning to cuddle (6 and 8 yrs).
I am so scared of her not bonding with us or specifically me. I appreciate your ideas as I know it will be different with Mia than with my bio boys.
Christy
10-17-05
http://www.bock.redthreadkids.org
January 16th, 2007 at 10:16 am
I had an umbrella stroller in China. Didn’t use it much, except at the airport, but it was great for holding stuff while I carried my son! He also got a big kick out of pushing it around the room. He had extremely dry skin when we met. He loved lotion. As a matter of fact, that was his first English word!
January 16th, 2007 at 11:23 pm
Blossombaby.
Thanks! and hope you see this…. :) I found the places were we could use CCs took the pretty much Visa and MC.
we were in HongKong, ChongQing (city), and GuangZhou.
Definitely can use the CC in HongKong. Couldn’t use it at all in CQ (except for the hotel) and we had been told to expect that. I think I only used the CC once in GuangZhou and that was when we went to a shopping centre that had some very nice stores with porcelin, silk, etc. I can’t remember the name of the place, but I DO remember there was a Lamborghini and Rolls Royce place “next door” to the shops. :) Obviously I couldn’t afford the how many million Yuan it was for either car they had on display (I loved the Gallardo though). LOL
January 16th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
okay I sacked my typist again for that first line…
that should say ‘I found the places where we could use CCs pretty much took Visa and MC.’
Ai!
January 17th, 2007 at 8:18 am
This is a great topic. I hope it eventually gets put in the side bar under Important Posts.
I love hearing others’ ideas!!! I’ve been reading what I could, and one thing I come across now and again is “Holding Therapy.” I’m not talking about carrying your baby as you go about your daily business. I’m talking about holding your child until the child undergoes some kind of traumatic catharsis thing that is supposed to be healing in the long run. It kind of scares me a bit. (I’m not saying it can’t work, but it seems really extreme and does not teach the child anything about her right to set her own boundaries. Any thoughts, anyone?
January 17th, 2007 at 10:37 am
Thankfully, our daughter attached easily which really was a relief, not that we didn’t have some bumpy nights early on. One life saver while we were in China, and I know this sounds simple, but Gerber Fruit Puffs, especially the banana ones.