Adult Adoptee Blogs – Harlow’s Monkey
Today we are discussing the writings on the Harlow’s Monkey blog. Harlow’s Monkey is written by an adult Korean adoptee who is also a respected social worker. Her words (and her advice) should be listened to. If you disagree with something you read in any of these posts, use the comments section here and let’s talk about it. Disagree nicely, of course. But if you don’t agree with something I’d like to hear about it so we can have a discussion about it.
In the Shadow of My Family Tree
Please read this blog post. It’s not angry, though it is sad and not the easiest thing out there for an adoptive parent (or prospective adoptive parent) to read. But it’s important. It is honest without being angry, and it’s a perspective I believe we all need to read.
My response to “color blind” theory
A poem. A powerful one. Yes, there is anger, but it’s not directed at you, so listen to the anger, listen to what is being said, and remember the posts from yesterday, keep what you learned yesterday in mind as you read the poem. And if you don’t know who Vincent Chin was, follow the link. You’ll be angry, too.
Race Matters: What does it mean in your transracial family?
While the poem was not aimed at you (or me), these questions are aimed at us, the parents of transracially adopted children. Take your time, read through them, think about them. If you disagree with something she said, talk to us about it in the comments.
Survivor’s Guilt
I’ve heard other adult adoptees talk about this in other ways. They talk about the pressure of being “good enough” to deserve the chance they got. They talk of the pressure to be perfect, to live up to the chance they were given. I’ve read one heart breaking story of someone whose church held a big fundraiser to raise funds for her adoption, and she felt that she let down the whole church if she made less than a 100 on something in school. She felt like a charity case, like she had to be perfect to deserve what the church had done for her. This author doesn’t seem to feel she owes anyone except her a-family, and luck. But we can still see she’s battled similar feelings. As a social worker she has the knowledge to be able to rationally label her feelings, survivor’s guilt. She likely understands it all on a rational level, even if her feelings are not being entirely rational about it. As I said, she’s not the only adult adoptee out there with these feelings, so we need to be aware of them.
Drive-by Culture
A very honest and (for me) easy to read blog post giving us advice about keeping our kids familiar with “their” culture, and also about not making it “their” culture. As a multicultural family, “their” culture is now “our” culture, isn’t it? So don’t drop them off at Chinese school, go with them to Chinese school. Learn together as a family. I picked this concept up years ago from adult adoptees, and I took it to heart. GG still may have times she shies away from all things Chinese, but RK and I don’t drop it just because she’s not interested. We’re interested, so we continue as usual, and she usually comes right back to it within weeks, not months or years.
Windows and Mirrors
Another reminder of why it is a bad thing to not surround our children with other people who look like them.
I would also like to point to an explanation of the title of the blog I’ve pointed to today: Harlow’s Monkey. You can read about the experiments of Harry Harlow here. At first glance, you might think that naming a blog after these experiments is anti-adoption. But read the last sentence of the last paragraph: “Both [experiments] suggested that the permanence associated with adoption was far superior to other arrangements when it came to safeguarding the future mental and emotional well-being of children in need of parents”. That sounds pretty pro-adoption to me. You can read the author’s explanation of why she chose her blog name here.
Finally, in Adoptive Parents – Be our Ally, the author gives advice you should probably read before engaging in a dialogue with other adult adoptees. There is more than just that advice, though. There is advice for other things we can do that makes us an ally to adult adoptees. And, since our children will one day be adult adoptees, it makes us their ally, too.
Writings of Adult Adoptees Series
1. The Writings of Adult Adoptees – Tai Dong Huai
2. Adult Adoptee Book Recommendations
3. Adult Adoptee Articles from InformedAdoption.com
4. Adult Adoptee Writings from Anti Racist Parent
5. Adult Adoptee Blogs – Harlow’s Monkey
January 28th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
The links related to culture and getting involved in your child’s culture are particularly timely as I think about whether we should continue with DD’s Chinese school or switch to a different method of learning (private tutor, etc.) I am not sure what the answer is but those articles are now part of the thought process.
Thanks again for all you do.
January 28th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
klem – we’ve had the same conversations – a class on the weekend is a huge pain when you’re a family that likes to do last minute “hey, let’s go somewhere this weekend” travel plans. I’ve been known to mention something on Friday morning as we get ready for school and work, and then find ourselves in a town two hours away that night at 9:00. But with weekend classes, that’s not possible in the winter. We can still do it in the summer, just not during the school year.
Someone told me about another option recently available, where classes are given in the evenings during the week. We will look at that possibility next year before we enroll, but we’re sticking it out at the current school for the rest of this year. Besides, an evening class might clash with GG’s extracurricular school stuff.
At this point I’m thinking we may end up with a tutor next year. I don’t think TT will be ready for a class (remember her speech issues), but I think she’ll be old enough by then to absorb quite a bit with a tutor teaching all of us at once.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I wonder how it will go for us – my husband, potential child, and I represent 3 different races… Certainly my child will see diversity first hand – but we may be involved in aspects of all 3 races – not just hers. Thoughts?
January 28th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Perhaps I should use the word “culture” rather than (or in addition to “race”.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
mdwaiting: We tell our DD that no one in our family is the same–we are different. (I am irish-japanese, DH is a russian jew and DD is chinese.) She seems to like that concept and has repeated it to others.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
RQ: The drive by culture article has me re-thinking my plan to eventually pull DD from Chinese school because it might be robbing us (the parents) from an opportunity to interact with other Chinese families. In our second year of Chinese school, some of these interactions have been a bit strained.
We don’t just drop her off there, but perhaps we need to engage more and use this as opportunity to show that multi-culturalism is more than eating a bunch of different foods.
I am not sure we won’t end up pulling her and doing something else, but it is something to think about.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Klem – RK and I take classes, too. Well, I’m not this year, since I’m staying home with TT, but in years past, before we came home with TT, we have all taken classes.
So, next year it’s either RK or I stay home with TT again, or we do the tutor thing. Also, financially, a tutor once a week will be cheaper than tuition for all four of us, I’ve got to think about that, too. Unfortunately, TT and GG are going to be at different levels, so I’m not sure a single tutor will even work.
TT’s probably knows (understands) 75 or so Chinese words just from what we use around the house, so it’s not like she’d be starting from scratch… but still, oh, I don’t know. It’s still up in the air, as you can tell.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
This post brings up all kinds of issues for me…but I’ll just address one! In our family of five, I have black hair, brown eyes and medium skin tone. Our two bio daughters have very blond hair, blue eyes, and pale skin – ditto for DH. Our youngest is adopted from China. I hear all the time that our youngest “looks like me” and “isn’t it nice to finally have one that shares your coloring.” I know people mean well, but I don’t like the message it’s sending to any of my children. Our youngest does comment often about how she and I have the same hair color (she just turned three) and lately she’s been a bit distressed because she says her eyes are black and mine are brown. I would like to politely let people know that it’s not important to me that ANY of my children look like me – they are their own people and not extensions of me! I do mention to our adopted daughter sometimes that she has beautiful, shiny, hair and I wonder if she got that from her birth mommy, or that I love her sweet smile and I wonder if her birth daddy smiles like her. Sorry this is so rambling….we have lots of other issues because we live in a community that is very predominantly caucasian.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
A good tutor should be able to juggle a couple different skill levels at once. You may need to schedule a double session with him/her, but it’s not uncommon for a tutor to give one person something to practice (a worksheet, a spoken passage, pronunciation, etc.) and work one-on-one with another person, then switch. It might also be good for TT to see GG accomplish some of the more advanced lessons and give her a preview of what’s to come. Additionally, it’s probably a good idea to let both girls see you and RK learning, both to demonstrate the value of hard work, and to show them that Chinese isn’t an easy language and it’s okay to make mistakes and go slowly–that Mom and Dad also struggle with it, but with study and practice, you can be successful. (as you can probably tell, I’m a big fan of multi-level learning environments ;)).
January 28th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
RQ: Neither us take lessons right now. One of us (DH mostly) usually sits in the classroom–on the days we bring the snacks, both of us are there. The adult lessons are at a different time, and there is no way we can spend five hours at the school at Saturday.
DH does not pay attention when he is there. He goes in the hallway to make phone calls on his cell. We aren’t reviewing her lessons with her, etc. This is another aspect we need to be engage with it.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
klem – If they let you sit in on the classes then that solves your problem, just pretend you’re students, too. Three people get to learn for the price of one. I mean, you can’t ask questions or take tests, but I’m betting they’ll let you buy extra workbooks so you can do the work, too.
LouiseMe – thanks for the input. GG already sees RK and I with homework, and we all practice together. But I can see that if the same tutor was working with all of us that it could be an even better situation.
January 28th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
In terms of language, some US schools are offering Chinese.
You can find a directory here:
http://www.askasia.org/chinese/schooldirectory.htm
January 28th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
We are struggling with how we will balance incorporating our childrens’ cultures as they will be from different countries. Since in college DH studdied Russian and I studdied Chinese, we are considering continuing that trend rather than the whole family learning three languages (not really possible). So DH will focus on our son’s language heritage and I will on our daughter’s, with the whole family learning a little Russian and Mandarin. But then that seems strange too. Of course we will all as a family enjoy the food and celebrate the major holidays from both countries – luckily spring festival in Kazakhstan and China rarely fall on exactly the same day. I would love to be able to incorporate a culture to the point that RQ has so that a toddler can pick up 75 Chinese words! That is wonderful! But it is hard the more cultures you add to a family.
Thank you RQ for this series from adult adoptees. It is a lot to think about and I admit I had not really explored the issues as much as I should. I find myself wanting someone to just tell me what exactly to do and say – but of course that is not appropriate as each child and each situation is different.
January 28th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
The best info from these blogs (very well written) seems to be that our girls really need adult and contemporary role models in the Asian American Community.
We can and should try to be a part of the culture though traditions, camps, freindships and trips to chinatown etc. But in reality- they need some independance on this.
A freind who is Korean and adopteed referes to himself as a Oreo – Korean on the outside but white on the inside. We can’t change that, but we do owe it to them to be prepared once they leave the nest.
January 28th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
My local school offers Chinese in grades 1-12. I was very excited about it at first, and so was my 9 yr old dd, because the teacher was our Chinese teacher from before she started teaching at the school.
We homeschool, but dd takes Chinese at the school. She’s in the 3/4 class, but quite bored. The school class covers so much less than the class we used to have with this teacher. I used to attend class with her, but can’t in this setting.
I have been wondering if we can get the teacher to provide private lessons… dd is tired of being the only one in class who already knows the answers. I am disappointed that the class is moving so very slowly – the kids can count to 10 and learned a handful of words since September. Dd learned much more than that when we had our old private class with this teacher – and that class had several other Asian kids. Plus I’d be able to sit in and learn again… and Marta too when she’s a little older.
Yeah, I think I’ve talked myself into it. :)
January 29th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I am an adult transracial (Korea) adoptee…and a happy one. I have the most wonderful parents in the world and wouldn’t trade my life experience for anything. I can understand these blogs and the points they are making, I simply chose not to go that route with my life. I agree with another commenter about the fact that you never read about contented adult transracial adoptees because they are probably “living their lives”. That is true and that is me. I do not have pain, I do not have issues, I do not have resentment and I do not feel like I was abducted. I can see how, even with a perfect childhood, one could take the direction in life that some of these people have, but that is not me. I simply do not dwell in the past or the ‘what if’s’ of my beginnings. If I had not been adopted I would not have my wonderful parents and sister, I would not have met my amazing husband, I would not have my fabulous son and I would not be in the process of adopting our darling daughter from China. I love my life and I’m very contented. I thought you might like to know that we do exist!
Hopefully in the next batch!
Chloe
January 30th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Quick note and a link for all. I found a group, via facebook, which led me to this link:
http://www.rockyou.com/show_my_gallery2.php?instanceid=129220434
Its a great video, done by tween and teen age china adoptees, as far as I can tell. I found it uplifting, and it does show some writings from the girls about some of their experiences in their multi cultural families.
THis may not be as eloquent as RQ’s writing, as my 3 year old is wiggling on my lap as we type.
Anyway, if anyone wants the facebook link for CAL, I can send it to you.
my typing time is , apparently, oover!
June & the irrepressible Mary