More from Adult Adoptees – Adoption Survivor
I’m pointing to some posts today from the Adoption Survivor blog. The blog author in this case says she was abused by her adoptive parents. She also says that she doesn’t want people negating her opinions of adoption because of the abuse. I’m just pointing it out because when she says “my abuser” I want you to understand she’s not just using the term metaphorically.
I’ve been gradually getting a bit more intense as we’ve gone along. I realize that most adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents refuse to read the writings of what they term “angry adoptees”. I hope that I’ve presented information in a way that has gotten around that, and that some people have read what I’ve pointed to when they may not have done so otherwise.
The Adoption Survivor blog speaks with more anger than the other blogs I’ve pointed to. Things aren’t said quite as kindly, but they still aren’t super-duper antagonistic. Maybe just mildly antagonistic, comparatively speaking. At any rate, they are this person’s truth. Try to read without getting defensive, read it so you are hearing what she is saying.
Pushing Culture
This is written as advice to AP’s. Advice from someone who grew up feeling a certain way, obviously. Personally, I find the idea of doing stuff every day a bit over the top, though I can easily say we do things twice a week most weeks (class one day, and on another day a home cooked meal that includes chopsticks). But I can also understand what she is saying about authenticity, and then later about tension. She’s also saying (amongst other things) the same thing we read on the Harlow’s Monkey blog yesterday – don’t just ship your kids off to learn about their culture, you’ve got to get involved, too.
What is this need to KNOW WHERE YOU CAME FROM?
This one speaks for itself. An adoptee trying to explain why it is important to her to know where she came from.
Loving my Captor
This one is tough to read. But if you start it, stick with it to the end. Agree with it or don’t agree with it, but it’s the way she feels and that makes it real to her. Try not to just get mad at her for feeling that way and then put walls of anger up, instead try to read her words and see if you can understand where she is coming from. It is too easy to just dismiss it as over-the-top so you don’t have to think about it, but don’t take the easy way out here. My goal is to raise children who do not feel they were abducted instead of adopted, but if I never take the time to try to understand why someone feels they were abducted… how can I go about doing that? I’m willing to agree that for an older child, especially one who may not have had input about whether they wanted to be adopted or not, Stockholm Syndrome may very well be part of what happens. But for an infant…. no, I don’t buy it. And, of course, if you wait until a child is of legal consent to ask them if they want to be adopted then it’s kind of too late for them to be adopted. So adults are assigned who are supposed to make decisions in the best interests of the child. In the case of China adoption it would be the orphanage director who decides a child should be placed for adoption, and it is our social worker who decides we are fit to be parents, and then all of the government people on both sides of the ocean in between who look over everyone’s paperwork. It’s not abduction, the legal guardians of the children turn them over to us in what they feel is the best interests of the child. If we took them without permission from their legal guardians (the SWI, in this case) then sure. But we don’t, that’s what makes it adoption instead of abduction. However, that doesn’t mean I should just ignore someone’s pain because they see it as abduction. In this person’s mind, she didn’t have any say-so in what happened to her, it was done without asking her, and she resents that. Can I help my children grow up in such a way that they don’t resent it? I hope so.
The Value of the Abused Voice
Again, this one speaks for itself. I’m putting this one here because I understand that so many adoptees feel that their words are trivialized when people label them an “angry adoptee”. And I think that reading this might help understand that we shouldn’t just label people angry (or abused, or whatever) and then dismiss their words. Dismiss their words for other reasons if you can find legitimate reasons and believe them valid, but don’t just slap on a label and decide their words don’t apply to your or your family because of the label.
Would you have preferred to have remained in an orphanage?
I hope my daughters have a different answer. I thank the author for giving us hers though, for letting us have this little window into how she feels.
Sage Advice for Adoptive Parents
I agree with the vast majority of these things.
Adoptees, were you completely truthful with your adoptive parents?
Again, this one speaks for itself.
I’m pretty emotionally wrung out after writing this post. When I worked on it yesterday and last night I was seriously considering that this might be the last piece in the series. But as I proof it this morning I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to end it on this note, so it won’t be the last piece. I want to end things on a more constructive note, so this isn’t the end of the series.
Writings of Adult Adoptees Series
1. The Writings of Adult Adoptees – Tai Dong Huai
2. Adult Adoptee Book Recommendations
3. Adult Adoptee Articles from InformedAdoption.com
4. Adult Adoptee Writings from Anti Racist Parent
5. Adult Adoptee Blogs – Harlow’s Monkey
6. More from Adult Adoptees – Adoption Survivor
January 29th, 2009 at 10:18 am
RQ,
When ending on a more “constructive” note, are there any adult adoptee writings out there that have had positive experiences growing up? Any that managed to create loving relationships with their adoptive families (while, of course, dealing with the irreplaceable lost of their birth family)? I’ve actually read quite a bit of the “adoption survivor” type literature and wondering if there is anything on the other side. Because what I’ve been left with is that adoption is an almost criminal act and that all adoptive parents, from the abusive (blog above) to those that place on their children the “burden of being cherished” (first author in series), will eventually be despised. While I would expect that in the teen years and 20′s, non-adoptive children usually eventually come to appreciate the time, effort, sleepless nights, etc. that parents put into raising them as they grow older. Are there any adoptive kids that do the same or are negative feelings about adoptive families inevitable, pervasive and permanent?
January 29th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Thank you RQ. This series has been very interesting and these are resources I may not have found on my own.
The article about telling your adoptive parents the truth was of special interest to me. I often hid my feelings about my adoption from my parents. I still do. They are not aware that I have found my birthparents (now deceased) and a half brother. The fear is of hurting their feelings. It is also a very private matter for me to have contact with this side of my history.
My parents were open about the fact that I had been adopted but the feelings associated with it were not really discussed. So it was not a secret but something certainly not talked about. For them my llife began the day I joined their family.
I realize that this was the general theory about adoption almost 40 years ago, and that my parents were working within the norms of the time. I think it is good that the attitude towards talking about adoption with children has changed. The life of the adopted child starts with their birth and that needs to be part of their story. It is also important to be open to talking about feelings associated with the adoption.
Again, thank you for highlighting these articles they have been interesting for me as an adoptee and and adoptove parent.
January 29th, 2009 at 10:38 am
kdel – Those adults who just live their lives without thinking about the fact that they were adopted, don’t write blogs about it. They just live their lives. So we mostly don’t hear from those who aren’t still dealing with their adoption issues.
January 29th, 2009 at 10:54 am
RQ,
Do you think that much of this person’s anger stems from the abuse instead of the adoption issues? After reading a link in one of the passages where she describes her family and what happened to her, I got the sense that she was more angy about the family that adopted her than adoption itself. She makes it clear how she feals about adoption, but I wonder if she would feel differently if someone else had adopted her. I also don’t understand why she is turning her back on her degree, etc? It almost seems to me that she wants to hurt. Do you think that her going back to Korea to find her birth family is going to fix it? She has so much pain.
I don’t have the answers, but I am reading these posts that you are writing and I am trying to understand. I wanted to know if you would share your opinion on this.
chinapromise
January 29th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I have been reading as much as I can when I can. I feel this is so important. Because I realize this is not about what I feel but what my child feels or could feel. And I can get past angry on a lot of levels.
It is however impossible for me to discount how the abuse of father and the denial of the mother impacts her feelings. With abused children this so often happens, once the secret is “out” they are still not protected by the person who should most protect them.
I would imagine there are many abused bio children who asked if they would rather have their childhood or grow up in an orphanage would vote orphanage.
I just have to wonder, had she had a more loving safe home what her answer would be. Perhaps the impact of the other issues of race and culture would have been easier to deal with. Of course loving parents would of helped with that I would hope.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:17 am
chinapromise – that’s a difficult question.
She says she doesn’t want us to trivialize her views on adoption because of her abuse. That being said, I have to think that if she’d been raised differently that her view of things would be different. I don’t think that trivializes her feelings, it just acknowledges that her views have been formed by her own life experiences.
She’s not the first adult adoptee that I’ve seen want to turn their back on their education. Remember the Survivor’s Guilt article from the other day? I could be wrong, but I really think it’s all tied together. Turning their backs on all of the privileges given to them by the adoption somehow puts them closer to who they would have been if they had not been adopted.
The author of the Adoption Survivor blog has been around the site some in the past, so she may come answer some of these questions herself.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:29 am
RQ, you mentioned that most of the readings out there are from adoptees working through issues so we don’t hear from those who are “just live their lives.” As a parent waiting for a referral in a small town that is not incredibly diverse, these writings have left me feeling that transracial adoption is a no win situation. That no matter what I do, culture schools, seeking out involvement with the Asian community, language classes, etc. that it won’t help in the long run. I am so thankful to be exposed to these writings. I needed to read them, but it leaves me feeling very inadequate as a parent. Not that I think it is a parent’s job to “Fix” their children’s every problem and make everything o.k. but can we assume that there are an equal number of adult adoptees out there who are well adjusted and fairly happy?
Moonpie
3/21/06
January 29th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Good question moonpie.
My question is – if I can’t embrace my child’s culture “authentically” – then what should I do? I don’t want our involvement with her culture to be fake or infrequent – but I’m not sure I can totally immerse myself in it either (due to time contraints, availablility of her culture in our area, etc). I guess its something I will need to figure out over time. These readings make me question if there even is best or right way to do things.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Moonpie,
I get how you feel.
I take a bit of comfort in no child chooses where they are born and what family they are born to. Most of us probably feel we could of had it better and know we could of had it worse. Doesn’t make anyones personal experience better,,,,,,,,,,, but.
That and I keep my mind and eyes open.
And repeat to myself often. I am doing the best I can. I when I know better I do better. That and it is no longer about me, but her.
January 29th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Based on stats given on a number of other websites out there, from 1960 to 1990 there were around 200,000 children adopted from Korea to other countries (not all to the US). There are not 200,000 adults out there writing these kinds of blogs. I would say maybe a couple hundred have active or semi-active blogs. The number participating in public forums is greater, and from what I understand the number participating in private forums is even larger.
Of the 50 or 60 adult adoptees I came across so long ago, less than a dozen of them seem to still be around publicly. Does that mean the majority of them worked through it all and now they’ve gotten on with the rest of their lives? I don’t know, but I’d really like to hope so.
I have to say that for one of the young ladies that I learned a great deal from so many years ago, I’ve enjoyed catching up on what has happened to her since the last time I checked in. She still has a good bit of anger, but it doesn’t seem to be as close to the surface as it once was. And it sounds like she’s living the rest of her life pretty well adjusted, even if she does still have anger around the circumstances of her adoption.
I don’t want to try to guess at percentages here. I think it could be that anywhere from 20% to 80% have negative feelings towards adoption at some point in their life, and I don’t think we have the data to narrow it down any more than that.
I think we’ve got a better chance with our kids, though. Our country has better diversity now, less racism. Or at least less in-your-face racism, anyway. And we know more about things like attachment and sensory issues. And, if we learn from the adults out there talking to us through their blogs, then we can hopefully avoid some of the mistakes their parents made.
January 29th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I’ve tried to read a variety of perspectives and give each equal weight and consideration as I struggle with whether we should continue on our journey to adopt. My husband was the one in the beginning who had serious doubts about whether we were up to the task of providing an adopted child with the experiences and emotional support needed to develop into a well-adjusted, self-sufficient, happy adult. And let me say, that by most standards, we are considered “good parents.” We are loving and emotionally stable and healthy and well-educated and have stable finances and all those other things that qualify us to be not just “good” but “great” parents. I always thought that because we have so much love to offer, in addition to the true desire to “do right” by our children, that we would be able to step up to the task, whatever that may be. I thought we would be able to rise to the needs of our children, making whatever sacrifices are needed and doing our very best to provide them with the emotional tools to develop a sense of self that is satisfying to them.
However, I’m realizing as I read these writings that I am unlikely to be “up to the task.” This is not for a lack of want but because I’m afraid I will never be able to anticipate all the feelings that may surface, and I may be too uninformed to provide all the cultural experiences necessary. I have developed serious doubts about my ability to parent a transracially adopted child. When I mention this to confidants, they say, “yeah, but consider the alternative for this child.” But I don’t want to be just better than the alternative. Especially when it seems some adults would have preferred the alternative. Or more than likely, my child would have ended up with a different set of adoptive parents. Perhaps that is the way it should be. I may not be cut out for this.
January 29th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Thanks RQ. I will keep reading and gather as much information as I can along the way so I will just be more informed when these issues and questions are raised by my child. I have a bio son about to hit the teen years and each day there seems to be a new challenge that crops up in how best to help him navigate through this time in his life. Nothing huge but huge to him. We are just struggling through it with him as best we can, I think that’s the most you can do as a parent. We will do the same with our daughter although we will anticipate another layer of issues along with the regular teen problems she will have to deal with. I think the “mind and eyes wide open” quote says it all – Idw4mlo.
January 29th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
RQ,
Thank you for listing all the related Adult Adoptee blog pages at the end of each of your blogs in this series. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to read them all but would like to go back and read them later on. When you’re done with this series, could you list all of these links in an “important posts” page or something similar, for easy reference later on?
January 29th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I haven’t read everything yet. But, I can relate to this woman in her relationship with her mother. My mom too was emotionally not there and used me as a dress up doll. In college I learned there was a term used to describer her, narcissistic. I was not abused in any other way. Interesting enough, I used to dream that I was adopted because I just couldn’t possibly have my mom’s genetics. My guess is that her issues are more from her upbringing rather than her adoption, at least I’d hope.
January 29th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
luvbugsmom – you can always get to them by using the Adult Adoptee link in the categories. I will try to come up with a way to more easily link to them, though.
January 29th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I think reading these types of things are crucial and we can learn so much from them.
We have to remember that all this information that we have at our disposal was not available when these adoptees were children. Not only was IA of this scale new to this country, but things like the internet didn’t exist and people didn’t have access to things like blogs. Korean adult adoptees have the burden of being the first large group of foreign adoptees.
A co-worker raised two children from Korea. One has few issues, the other is angry. The daughter who is angry is angry that she was the only Asian person in her school and didn’t know other Asian children. She didn’t voice this until she left for college at 18. My co-worker and other parents during this time just didn’t know that was important. The thinking was “you’re American now.” If he had known, he and his wife surely would have done things differently, they just didn’t know.
A lot of well-meaning people made mistakes that we have the benefit of learning from. A lot of adoptees write about things that angered them that their families did that those of us who educate ourselves won’t do (or will try not to do).
(Which is by no means suggesting we won’t make mistakes, as all parents do, but we definitely have an advantage with all the information at our disposal).
There will also be things we think we are doing right we’ll do wrong. Where’s the line between embracing a child’s culture and going too far to make their entire lives about being Chinese? I remember reading an article once a woman wrote about her five year old from China. Her parents came to visit and her daughter was in every possible culture class – dance, language, etc. He mother asked her “well, when is she going to start Hebrew school?” and it hit her, my daughter isn’t just Chinese, she’s Jewish…she’s a lot of other things as well.
My SW worked for DSS in the 70’s. She told me the thinking at the time when children were removed from their homes was to cut-off all contact with their birthparents for a period of 60 days. She said she cringes now to think of all the children she did that to. They just didn’t know at the time how traumatic that would be. We know now.
There is/will be so much to learn, but we have come so far.
January 29th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Good point donandtamara – I wonder if there are any females here who do NOT have some sort of mother-issue. I know I’ve got plenty of them. I thought I’d worked through them all in my 20′s, but now watching her with my daughters has brought some of them back to the surface.
I, too, was a fun dress up doll to my mom. When I got old enough to have opinions of my own I did not fare well with them.
When I let GG decide how to fix her hair, my mother still can’t fathom that. I tell my mom “it’s her hair, if she doesn’t want dog ears then why should I insist?” My mom says, “Because you’re paying for the pictures so you get to decide these things.”
In reality, it’s my mom who wants them both in matching dog ears, but I’m fine with TT in dog ears and GG with her hair hanging straight, as she wants it. And it’s me my mom is upset with, not GG. It’s me who is refusing to “insist” upon the dog ears, when I should by rights be able to force my will on her. (Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. I said that long before Acheron came along – LOL)
And I think my mom also understands that I’m subtly slamming her parenting by pointing out it would be wrong for me to insist upon dog ears when the child is old enough to decide for her own self how she wants to wear her hair.
That hasn’t changed her any, though. A few weeks ago I had to drop both girls off at my parent’s house so they could take them to school (I had to be at work early and RK couldn’t go in late that day). My mother changed both of them into outfits she had bought, and she redid both of their hair.
But I can’t blame an adoption agency for sticking me with her. If I could.. would I? Good question. I don’t think that any of her personality flaws would have shown up to a social worker.
January 29th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Not sure if people have heard of this movie. You can watch a trailer on the site as well. I haven’t seen it yet, but a friend who adopted from China saw it at an FCC showing and found it very powerful and a bit tough to swallow. It’s expensive, but worth considering buying…
“This film is appropriate for teens and older. There are issues related to families, adoption and ethnicity that might be challenging for some. This film will likely lead to some important and powerful discussions within families, so parents should expect to talk about it afterward.
ADOPTED reveals the grit rather than the glamour of transracial adoption. First-time director Barb Lee goes deep into the intimate lives of two well-meaning families and shows us the subtle challenges they face. One family is just beginning the process of adopting a baby from China and is filled with hope and possibility. The other family’s adopted Korean daughter is now 32 years old. Prompted by her adoptive mother’s terminal illness, she tries to create the bond they never had. The results are riveting, unpredictable and telling. While the two families are at opposite ends of the journey, their stories converge to show us that love isn’t always enough.”
http://www.adoptedthemovie.com/
January 29th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
It’s funny how we sometimes do the opposite of what our parents did.
I have a friend from grade school whose mother always made her keep her hair short. She dreamed of long hair. Her daughter, now 10, has always been allowed to have her hair however she wants it (provided she gets occasional trims). It drives my friends mother INSANE – absolutely totally out of her mind insane.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Err – what’s dog ears as a hair style? I tried googling it but all I got was a lot of links for cleaning dog’s ears.
Is it some kind of pony tail? Braids tied in a loop, Scandinavian style?
I am so confused!
January 29th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
donandtamara & RQ,
You just hit the nail on the head of some of the same thoughts I was having.
I saw elements of fears I had in Tai Dong Huai’s story about her and her mom swimming by the rock. Tai Dong Huai wonders what her relatives would do if her mom drowned because they are so different. I had the same fears when my parents decided to make my VERY yuppie Uncle and Aunt guardians of us if my parents should die.
About a year ago I was going through a box of my belongings from when I was a teenager. I found a journal I kept at about 15-16 years old. I read back through it and found several entries where my mom and I had a disagreement and I speculated that I was adopted because my “real” mom would understand me. These were disagreements about what colors to paint my room, or how I wanted to wear my hair short and she thought it looked terrible, or how I wanted to drop out of band and concentrate on choir. Nothing earth shattering, but at the time I was “devastated” in all sorts of dramatic teen emotions.
I’m beginning to see how some of these emotions that adopted have people come about. These writing are really helping me.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Hmmm, like Boo, from Monsters Inc – only down below the ears so the hair rests on the shoulders. They look kind of like basset hound ears, I guess.
GG is way too old to wear it like Boo’s hair (looks adorable that way on TT still, though), but it’s kind of the style for her and her friends to sometimes wear it like that but down low, and they call it dog ears. TT also looks cute with her hair that way, and that’s the way she wanted it that morning, so I did. And on that day GG wanted her hair more grown up, she wanted it straight with nothing in it, so that’s what she did.
As long as her hair is clean and free of tangles and at least mostly socially acceptable so school won’t say anything, she can wear it however she wants it. Or she can tell me how she wants it and I’ll fix it that way. It’s her hair, not mine.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
RQ,
Wow, I’ve been out of the loop and have only had the opportunity to start reading some of the adult adoptee blogs…
I did not have a perfect childhood, parents divorced when I was 11, my Mom was devastated which obviously had a HUGE impact on the 3 children, my Dad paraded around his NEW wife all over our small town….in reflection I was so angry at the enormity of the CHANGES…so out of my control.
On the flip side, I have been blessed with a Mother who struggled (I’m sure mostly in private) with the pressures of living in the South, being divorced in the late 70′s, my Dad leaving w/all things financial….after the initial impact, she got it together and forged ahead…raising 3 kids on her own.
So, I feel in many ways I grew up w/out a Father, knew who he was by birth, knew who he was because of court ordered “required” visits, knew who he was because of the checks that came for b-days, Christmas, etc. (gee, I would’ve loved a $10 gift that he picked out for me vs. the $100+ check written in haste)…
So, I share that bit of very private info, to say, that I know that LOVE does not alleviate our hurt, the broken trust that I had to feel at 11 and beyond…..but I always felt and knew I was LOVED and cherished. I have loving siblings, I had amazing Grandparents on both sides…..not perfect, but loving and kind. And a Mom who never disparaged my Father (she had every right), once her anger and embarrassment abated…..she would simply say, “I chose my 3 kids”……enough said.
I was never abused, except for being abandoned by my Father…..a form of abuse for sure. And my DD, was abandoned by her birth family at one day old… So, I can only hope that together we can work through “things” as they come….just like my Mom/Grandmother helped me.
I will continue to educate myself and thank you for providing these links….valuable though heartbreaking to read.
Mom to the Love of my life – DD home since Dec. 06
January 29th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
And so it goes we all have our baggage. I could devote much typing to losing my mom as a teen, talk about unresolved stuff.
I went from a teen wishing to have a different mom like teens do from time to time, to one who give anything to have that one back.
I will do my due diligence (sp) and love my girl to pieces. I hope I will be able to help her neatly pack the baggage she has.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Speaking for myself, RQ is right, the adoptees who don’t feel this strongly just don’t have blogs. When I read blogs like these it always makes me want to start my own, to show the “other side”. But then I think – how much would I have write about? lol. My other side is that adoption is part of my life, it is part of who I am but in the same way that my stepson is a child of divorce at 7 and my Mom had to deal with the fact that her Mother died when she was 2 and she was raised by her Grandparents. Bad things happen to people and some people let it become the cause of all bad things in their life and others shake it off (and all levels in between). I’ve been there and done that – the focus of my angst has just never been adoption. I read these types of things but I do so only to be aware of possibilities because I know my way isn’t the only way and I want to be able to support DD whatever path she takes.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
In the past several years I’ve done my fair share of reading blogs of adult adoptees — many of whom are so incredibly angry (calling themselves adult “abductees” etc.) and I do not want to, for one second, trivialize how they feel about their personal situations. Never having experienced the great losses they have, I cannot begin to understand their feelings.
However, when I read excerpts and posts written, like many RQ has linked above and in the preceeding days, I personally feel, as an AP, that “I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t” by some of these authors.
I’ll try to explain myself.
In a “perfect” world, EVERY child would be wanted, planned for, and loved. In a “perfect” world, every parent would always be loving, gracious, compassionate, have a good sense of humor, as well as being patient and every other good quality people strive for.
But we don’t live in a “perfect” world.
Babies are born to people who cannot/will not/do not want to care for them. Sometimes those people raise those children anyway, and the children are neglected/abused/victimized. Sometimes those people decide that they cannot or don’t want to raise that child, so they find another resource whereupon the child can be raised away from them. Sometimes those people are extended family members, but sometimes they are ‘strangers’. Sometimes those children get to stay in the culture into which they were born, and sometimes that is just not possible (due to many factors including, but not limited to: economic reasons, political rulings and or social stigma against adoption).
At times, when reading Adult Adoptee writings, I get the feeling that those AA writers are blaming the adoption “industry” on the APs. I do not believe, nor will I be convinced, that the people wishing to adopt drive this industry. No one will ever convince me that a woman gets pregnant simply to put the child up for adoption.
And yet, some of these essays seem to me to force the blame of the writer’s circumstances upon the people who adopt. Those people, who, for whatever reason, chose to go though the emotional roller coaster of opening their hearts and lives to a child who wasn’t born to them.
Life isn’t fair. No one ever promised (me, anyway) that it would be. There is no implied “fairness” in a child being placed in an institution and having strangers decide whom will get to raise that child. The situation itself is sad, but the implication (again, by some of the AA writers I’ve read) is that it is the APs fault.
As an toddler, my father left my mother with four small children to raise. I was just two years old, my younger sister 6 weeks old. We didn’t see or hear from him again until I was 15 years old. My mother never remarried, and I was not raised around any adult males, except those teachers at , my friends’ fathers and men from our church. And guess what? I overcame it. Did I like it? No. Did I blame my parents for not staying together? No, not really (I’m sure I imagined them getting back together, as most kids will do). Do I hate men today? No.
Those are just the facts of my life.
What I CHOOSE to do with my experiences have made me who I am today, and made me the parent I am to my five children. Lamenting my fatherless childhood and being raised in a single parent household, at lower than the poverty level, simply shaped the person (and parent) I am today.
And that, is why I get frustrated when I read some of these entries.
Life isn’t fair. Sometimes, it just plain sucks. But, as adults, we are all responsible for what we DO with the circumstances of our upbringing. Whining, crying or railing out against “the system” or the people who raised you just doesn’t accomplish anything.
And so, as a mother to two beautiful daughters who were born in China and adopted into our family, I am frustrated at reading some of these posts. I admit it.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
These postings–RQs and all the comments provide great food for thought–necessary food for thought and lots of help in raising well adjusted kids. A lot of the information applies to all kids not just adopted kids. But I see people doubting themselves and that makes me concerned. All we can do is try to be as aware as we can but not beat ourselves up for missing something. And while I know that many of the issues of growing up in a bio relationship are different than some of the issues an adopted child faces, let’s be very honest–Who’s parents didn’t screw up possibly a lot? Mine did. But I love them all the same and forgive. I know they tried their best. Sometimes they dismissed my feelings and that hurt but most of the time they didn’t. They listened. And also–we have learned a lot from their mistakes too. Nothing is black and white. It’s all so very complicated.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
How reliable is advice from very unhappy people?
I’m sure they *believe* what they are saying, but in the end create damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations. Personally, I find little value in “failure stories”. No way to know if adoption was the actual problem, or a scapegoat. Other than a few obvious points, the rest seems pretty worthless. I would hate for my not adopted sister to share her insights on mother-daughter relationships with biological mothers to be!
While I want to get as much information I can, in the end it feels like looking up medical conditions on the internet….even a sore toe will lead you to information on cancer.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I am an adult transracial (Korea) adoptee…and a happy one. I have the most wonderful parents in the world and wouldn’t trade my life experience for anything. I can understand these blogs and the points they are making, I simply chose not to go that route with my life. I agree with another commenter about the fact that you never read about contented adult transracial adoptees because they are probably “living their lives”. That is true and that is me. I do not have pain, I do not have issues, I do not have resentment and I do not feel like I was abducted. I can see how, even with a perfect childhood, one could take the direction in life that some of these people have, but that is not me. I simply do not dwell in the past or the ‘what if’s’ of my beginnings. If I had not been adopted I would not have my wonderful parents and sister, I would not have met my amazing husband, I would not have my fabulous son and I would not be in the process of adopting our darling daughter from China. I love my life and I’m very contented. I thought you might like to know that we do exist!
Hopefully in the next batch!
Chloe
January 29th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Chloe, thank you for posting!
January 29th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
To add to what Truly Blessed wrote:
“In a “perfect” world, EVERY child would be wanted, planned for, and loved. In a “perfect” world, every parent would always be loving, gracious, compassionate, have a good sense of humor, as well as being patient and every other good quality people strive for.”
Not only would the parents have to be loving, gracious, etc but it would have to be the perfect level, type and balance between all those factors for that PARTICULAR child and a different level for their others –if they had them. Children don’t come with instruction manuals as we well know.
Some people will become victims of their own lives. We all know these people, heck, we’re each probably related to a few– I am. I’m not saying “suck it up” but I am saying that in order to be happy person you have to process your own baggage and then come to terms with it. I think that’s part of maturity, some people never do mature.
I think its probably important for these writers to work through their own baggage this way. I appreciate reading their essays because it gives me some insight into how these particular adoptees are processing their circumstances as well as a window into how my daughter may unfortunately feel someday.
But, I really hope that I am able to impart in my daughter (and my bio children as well) that it is unhealthy to allow a single aspect of their lives to become the defining element of their identities.
Time will tell…
susan
January 29th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Thank you Chloe!
I really should make your post the last thing I read on this subject and stay positive. If/when you have a chance, please share some things you parents did Right.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
elj – I think that the very fact that you have doubts means that you care enough to be able to figure this out. It would seem to be me be a bad sign if you just wanted to brush it off… but to think it through enough to have doubts, that means you’re paying attention. Right?
Remember when I said that I spent time researching this a long time ago, and then walked away from it? I learned what I thought I needed to learn, I gained perspective I would otherwise have never had, and then I got on with my own life.
Gain perspective, listen to the voices, but don’t get bogged down.
I don’t read these writings in order to debate in my head whether adoption is a good thing or a bad thing. I read them to gain perspective. To learn what has hurt, and to try to avoid doing it to my girls.
Too many times I hear AP’s out there who assume their child is going to be grateful to them for “saving” them. Or, worse yet, I hear AP’s talk about how they are teaching that it was some higher power’s plan to put parent and child together. I don’t know how many adult adoptees I’ve heard say that they want no part of a god who allows babies to be born just to purposely rip them from their families and countries and place them where they never felt they belonged. That’s got to be one of the top five reasons for anger I’ve seen. And yet so many AP’s have no idea what they are really saying when they spout off their whole “meant to be” stuff.
Too many times AP’s have only the perspective from their side of the Triad, and I think it’s very important we see things from the child’s side.
Let’s please not criticize these young ladies for expressing their feelings. Without their voices, I, for one, would not be as good of a parent as I think I am with their voices.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
I hate seeing families adopting as if it were charity. Children are not charity and they don’t want to be charity. Could you imagine!?
And there are enough of us out here who don’t feel that way I’d be happy to see you leave the line – charity not needed ;-)
January 29th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I actually don’t know any APs who feel that they are offering “charity”. I suppose those folks are out there – but not any of the APs I have met along the way.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Hey, why do adopted kids get a fee pass?!
Many Bio Parents made housing, feeding, and educating their Bio Children out like charity … at least mine did! LOL
Possibly things are not as different as they seem?
January 29th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I’ve met more than my fair share. There were several in our travel group when we got TT, in fact.
And when I go out and search for rumors I see it quite a bit on some of the forums I search through.
Around here we have enough people who speak up when someone says something about a child being grateful, or about how they are saving them. But I think that having someone in the forum try to explain to you why that thinking is wrong is way different than reading the words of someone who was adopted.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Chloe, thanks so much for your posting. After reading the Adoption survivor blog I was beginning to get really depressed and wonder how I was going to ruin my child’s life and when he would start to hate me. I do know that of course our happy two year old boy is going to have sorrow, anger and other feelings as he gets older, but I am so hoping we can deal with them together and although our love isn’t going to erase the pain he feels, he should know that he doesn’t have to go through it alone.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Thanks Chloe!
January 29th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
ELJ- Don’t feel discouraged. Just the fact that you are asking questions will make you a better mother. It’s something I struggle with as well, and for us, a China adoption isn’t even really interracial (my hubby is Chinese and much of his family still lives there).
I see parenting as building a home. Unconditional love is the foundation, and understanding, patience, tolerance, etc. make up the bricks and mortar. No, love isn’t enough, but without love you have nothing.
My hubby had a TERRIBLE childhood with his biological parents. The people he loves the most are his step-family and in-laws. Proof, at least in our story, that biology is not always best.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
From a rational standpoint, I do understand that we all have issues with our parents. And I acknowledge that those who’ve gone before us have paved the way for us to learn from their mistakes. I think I find these issues so overwhelming because this lengthening wait has given me lots of reasons to seriously reconsider our decision rather that reaffirm our decision. I have acquaintances who’ve adopted and I see them blowing off these issues and marginalizing their significance, and I’m trying to prepare myself so that I won’t fall into that pattern. I think it often comes down to laziness in some ways. Some people can plead ignorance, but once informed, they just choose to ignore their child’s birth culture and choose to think it’s the child’s problem if they aren’t “well-adjusted.”
I’ll end my ramblings here with one more thought…I can wholeheartedly appreciate why some adult adoptees would be angry at the implication that their adoption was the result of divine intervention. I also can see why some parents use that thought to somehow explain how good things can come from bad situations. The problem I see is that as an adoptive parent, I don’t know which perspective my child will have. I guess that means I should present both sides and let her (him) choose. But I wouldn’t have given it much thought if I hadn’t done a lot of reading here and elsewhere. And my concern is for all the issues that I haven’t read about because I don’t know they exist.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
IMO it’s important to let go of there being “Right” things to do. Within my family, myself and my 2 brothers (all adopted) each would tell a positive view of adoption yet we all have a very different experience of adoption In fact, what my parents actually did sounds very similar to what most of the parents of these blogging adoptees did. And at one time I was angry with my Mom for things she did/didn’t do, very similar to these adoptees – it just wasn’t ever about adoption for me. I educate myself on this just as I do on other parenting issues because there’s so much more information available for me than my parents had – but in the end it’s still me, as parent, making the best choice I can for my child, just as my parents did.
January 29th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
For what it is worth:
I recall reading an article quite some time ago about a Korean adoptee who has a bio child and then adopts from Korea. I found it quite interesting:
http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=149
I also stumbled upon this video on youtube about another Korean adoptee who adopted from Korea herself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAFhLvaeUz0
I believe my thoughts on these writings (though I haven’t read them all) is that there is definitely quite a bit of thoughts/information/etc. for me as an adoptive mom to take in, consider and learn from. However, I do believe that there are in fact International Adoptees who aren’t hurt, resentful or angry; who have been able to grow up recognizing that they are International Adoptees, they love their birth countries and culture, they love their adoptive families, etc. (the etc. being individual to each IA). I know I know of one such Korean adoptee. She loves Korea. She remembers her birth parents (although she has not returned to find them, and is not sure she wants to), and she understands and remembers that it was extreme poverty that led her birth family to relinquish her and her sister. She loves her adoptive parents. This particular person doesn’t blog not because “she just [lives her life] without thinking about the fact that [she was] adopted, [and doesn't] write blogs about it.” She does in fact think about being adopted, but her experience and feelings are positive.
Perhaps it is like most things in life. We, as humans, typically only voice our concerns/disappointments/complaints and the like if our experience has been negative?
Just my 2 cents. Others’ mileage may vary. :-)
January 29th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Hi, I just wanted to thank you for your series on adult adoptee voices, and for including my blog as one of them. I’m honored that you took so much time to thoughtfully address some of the posts I’ve written and that you encourage adoptive parents to read them. I know that lots of things I write about are hard to read.
I just wanted to address one comment as it is one that I’ve come across a lot.
One of your readers wrote “are there any adult adoptee writings out there that have had positive experiences growing up? Any that managed to create loving relationships with their adoptive families (while, of course, dealing with the irreplaceable lost of their birth family)?”
You probably already know where I’m going with this, but I just wanted to say that for many of us, myself included, we DID have positive experiences. I would not at all consider my adoption negative or bad, nor would I characterize it as a traumatic experience. Part of what I hope this series you’ve been presenting and your influence can promote is to promote a more grounded, holistic view of adoption.
Parts of my childhood were traumatic; parts were negative, parts were bad. But in sum total, my childhood was in many ways idyllic and wonderful. I continue to have a good relationship with my parents. It could be better if they were able to talk to me about adoption – and race – but they’re not. However, our relationship and that with my siblings could never be characterized as distant, negative or unloving. And my parents never dealt with my adoption losses! So, I would like people to think in terms of not worrying about good/bad but more in terms of degrees.
Also, I receive on my blog many many comments from adoptees who like me did not have negative experiences growing up and have good relationships with their families, but they all have one thing in common – whether 15 or 45, they don’t feel their parents were open and honest when talking about adoption. And there are definitely some issues they struggle with, even though they are not pathological-worthy or filled with trauma.
As a researcher and graduate student, I try to remember that both qualitative and quantitative is equally important. Not everyone has the same experiences, and for those who don’t it is important to ask why. So while the vast majority of IA’s and TRA’s do pretty well, there is definitely a population that struggles. Instead of dismissing those views, it is important to validate their experiences even if it doesn’t necessarily mirror our own.
Thanks again, for providing the forum and space for this discussion
Jae Ran
January 29th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
This is my first time posting. I have been reading this blog for the last several months. I wonder what the right reason to adopt would be. It seems like something is wrong with any reason when people try to explain why they want to adopt. It is going to be found wrong no matter what. To be honest, it makes me think that no matter what I say what my reason is I am going to be blamed for being selfish because I want to satisfy my own desire. But without desire to adopt there would be no adoptions at all.
Also, what is wrong with being thankful to your parents for raising you? I am thankful because being a parent myself I know how much my parents had to work to raise me and my siblings. We did not grow like weeds.
I have gone through all stages of raising children: my oldest is 24, middle child is 20, and youngest 5 months old. All of them bio children.
Tanya
January 29th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Jae Ran – Thank you for your posts. At times they were hard to read, but I feel I’ll be a better parent for it when I go to get my new daughter in about a month. I’m glad you put that information out there for adoptive parents to learn from.
I’m still afraid in some ways that I’ll hurt my daughter by not exposing her to her culture enough, but I plan to do whatever I can and to always be open with her about her adoption. Thanks again.
January 29th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Jae Ran,
Thank you for clarifying (sp). It helps us parents out here to know it wasn’t all bad. Well at least it helps me anyway.
I bristle when my white (read as don’t get it). Think they are being helpful and loving (they think) with statements, like “We don’t even notice she is Chinese. She is American now”. Sorry I never meant to give the impression I give a hoot what you all feel. I only care about what she feels. I can not make her “too Chinese”. She just is. To not acknowledge all that diminishes her existence and she is too awesome for that.
I love my girl, beyond anything I thought was possible to feel. She is my daughter, my life. And she is adopted, she has a birthfamily, and she is Chinese. I can see all of that, and love her because she is my daughter and I am her mother.
I take comfort that maybe I am on the right track that it is OK to live with all of that.
Thank you so much for sharing……………………..
January 29th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
I think all we can do is listen to the needs of our children. My husband and I want to encourage an interest in the Chinese culture, but we have thought that we also don’t want her/him to feel different from our family. I guess we need to listen w/ big ears. I have a girlfriend whose best friend was adopted from Korea whose parents were of Scandanavian discent. She was never interested in her culture of orgin. When she was approaced in college by an Asian group to join she looked at them and said she was not interested as she was ‘American’.
I am in therapy and so is my husband. He comes from a divorced family and chose to live w/ his dad. His dad is a louse and so he is like an adoptive child w/ parents. No involvement…his dad lives 50 miles away and he never calls and never comes by….I have depression and come from a hyper-critical mom that certainly fed into my need to be perfect. Some of these stories I can relate too and so can my husband. We are all so concerned as adoptive parents to raise well rounded children who feel loved and valued and so just all of us worried about this that we are already miles a head of some of our parents. I am often afraid and we have so much time to think about it…am I going to be able to do this? can I be the best adoptive parent? why am I adopting…to save a child to fulfill my need to be a parent and to nurture? all of the above? It is so daunting.
The ethical issues were huge for so many of us…not to minimize bio-parents, but my mom got pregnant at 23 (married)…you are young, naive, don’t have a clue and at this age you don’t know who you are and you fumble. My DH and can’t get pregnant we do AI..we worry if we do in-vitro I don’t want to be the freaks (my thoughts) on TV w/ the 6 children…do we keep them all of them? The ethical issues are intense…maybe it is the 2 Long Islands or the fact I just got back from therapy, but I think most of us are miles ahead of our parents…better educated and just by this discussion better prepared….WE CAN DO IT!!!! I have faith.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Tanyar-
Thank you for your bold and honest comments. I sometimes wonder if Im the only one that thinks Im walking on egg shells when it comes to some adult adoptees.
Culture is a big thing, but people came to the US in droves when the US was new, all from different countries.
While some adult IA adoptees seem to be angry about being taken out of their country of origin, I sometimes wonder if their preference would have been to stay in an orphanage, in order to keep that culture in tact.
I don’t see a need to be thankful for adopting a child, but I am personally thankful to my parents for raising me. Why is that so wrong? Or is it only wrong to some if the child is adopted?
I honestly do not understand the mentality of someone that can accept all the good that adoption has to offer, but at the same time be angry and bitter for the same. Why is the anger for adoption placed on the AP? In most of these blogs, there is no anger directed at the birth parents for abandoning the child, or the country that secludes the child. If my daughter would have stayed in China, she would have been raised in the orphanage. I have a very difficult time believing that what she gave up would be better for her than what she gained.
As APs we struggle to find that balance too, for ourselves as well as our children. I’m grateful that I have my daughter. I hope she will be grateful that she has me too.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:11 am
KarenInCa – have you read the blog posts I’ve pointed to this week? Or are you just responding to the comments.
January 30th, 2009 at 1:27 am
In all fairness, I have not read most of the posts you’ve pointed to, but when I do read them, I feel as if I’m expected to apologize or should feel ashamed somehow for being an AP. I choose not to feel that way. Do you never get that feeling from what you read, RQ?
January 30th, 2009 at 8:46 am
KarenInCa,
No life is all good. I am not adopted and overall have had a good life. But there are things that happened to me that make me, angry and sad.
Did my parents get it all right? No, but they loved me and did the best they could. I imagine it will be the same for me.
So it is only OK to feel good and happy? Feelings are just that feelings. Now whether you let them manage you or you them thats different.
But to imply it is wrong to have them because overall things were “good” is what helps feed the fire for a lot of folks. A lot of years not feeling free enough to have them causes a big burst when they have them. Sometimes just knowing you can have them is enough.
It’s like saying my daughters life is better. That would depend on what she considers better. I can only say it is different.
And FYI, there was a post where the adoptee, said yes, she would of rather stayed in an orphanage. There were many issues but those are her feelings.
January 30th, 2009 at 11:40 am
KarenInCa – no, I do not feel ashamed for being an AP when I read these blogs. I’ve tried to say, over and over, try not to take it personal, do not get defensive and just decide it’s not relevant. This is their story, as they wish to share it. Learn from it, gain perspective that you otherwise would not have. Just listen, without getting defensive.
It’s obvious from your post that you have not listened.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I didn’t mean to ask if you’re ashamed of being a parent. I certainly don’t feel that way. I meant the overall tenor of a lot of posts is that we SHOULD feel ashamed or apologetic. I don’t think I’m being completely understood, so I’ll just bow out gracefully on this issue.
January 30th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
KarenlnCa,
Thank you for support. I think I understand what you are trying to say. I have the same feelings about the overall tone of the posts.
RQ, thank you for all that you do to help us to be informed and learn as much as we can about interracial adoptions and adoptions in general.
I am doing my best to educate myself and prepare for this adoption (if it will ever be our turn), and not to take it personal, but many of the blogs, essays, and articles have very negative general statements about adoption. I think this makes it personal for a lot of people, because adoption is a very personal thing to them. People become defensive because they try to protect something that is very close to their hearts. It’s just my opinion. I found that I disagree with some of the statements that are posted and discussed here. I hope I did not offend anybody expressing my opinion.
January 31st, 2009 at 10:49 am
Thanks for visiting my site. I’m close to having shared/said all I have to say, and like many before me will soon disappear into obscurity.
I just wanted to drop in and leave a comment re: Adoption Survivor
The poster here said, “I want to end things on a more constructive note… ”
I see my blog as VERY constructive. There is the personal portion, which is constructive for me and other adoptees, and the Q&A tagged portions which I provide as a public service for adoptive parents. It is ALL meant to be constructive.
Contrary to what seems to be popular opinion here, I do NOT take the time to write out of anger. That would be easy and irresponsible. My goal has been to throw out the over-simplification of adoption and point out subtleties and distinctions; so that ALL of us can better discern the meaning of our actions and the way our actions affect others. That’s the opposite of easy. But for some reason, I have always felt I am an interpreter/a bridge to understanding, because I have always had one foot in two worlds. If I can enlighten anyone to the perspective of another, then that is work which I can feel good about. If I have some hard lessons to share, then that is my responsibility. And adoption is not the only realm in which I do this.
Despite how you all characterize me, I view myself as extremely well adjusted AND happy. Now. In fact, working through all these layers has put me in a healthier place than many who have chosen not to face what bothers them. A lesser person who has experienced all I have experienced would have mental health issues or any other number of various social issues. I just want to point out yet again that this portion of my life is just that – a portion of my life. There are elements, however small or large, of some of the many layers of my adoption experience in many adoptions. Of course I do not claim to represent them all, and It is not meant for you to apply my entire story to your story. But neither should you be too quick to discount that any of it applies to your situation.
The tendency is for people to place adoption in one of two baskets. I am here to tell you this is not an either/or proposition, and that it is a multi-faceted, multi-layered experience subject to many iterations.
I don’t blame parents who adopt because they want to let a child experience love. I do blame self-absorbed people who adopt because they need love from children. Two different species. Bad parenting has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with the individual parents. Just as there are a few of you who I wouldn’t want to suffer living under, there are many of you who I would have LOVED to have as parents. LOVED. Especially those who question themselves.
I am not against adoption. I am not against adoptive parents. I am not against “happy” adoptees. I am against the structure of adoption as practiced today.
I am FOR child placement reform. I am FOR dissecting the subtleties of this experience to facilitate reform. I am FOR improving this experience for all those children who follow me.
If I’m “angry” at anyone, it is the adoption industry. I also see adoption as a political issue, a civil rights issue, a feminist issue, and a social justice issue. Adoption doesn’t have to have this many issues. But it will continue to be this way unless we make noise about the harmful ways it is practiced. We can and must do better. WE who care about children CAN DO BETTER. This is why I do what I do. This is why I bother.
This is what I call being constructive.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:20 am
girl4708 – thanks for your response.
Of course your site is constructive, if it weren’t then I wouldn’t have pointed to it as I did.
My words were “more constructive”, and those words came from my perspective, that of someone trying to bring the words of adult adoptees to AP’s and PAP’s in such a way that they will listen and take them to heart and not just get defensive and shut the words out as a defense mechanism. I had someone who helped me do that many years ago, I’m trying to return the favor. I don’t know how well I’m doing, though. There are some who appear to be listening, but I also see some who don’t seem to be able to let go of their own perspective long enough to see yours.
I understand why you took my words as you did though, and I apologize for not finding a better way to try to get my point across. I want to end the series in a way that gives us, all of us AP’s, hope that we can raise children who don’t wish they’d been allowed to grow up in an orphanage without a family. That is what I meant by “more constructive”. As I said, I was emotionally wrung out after writing it, I didn’t want to end things with a posting that left my readers feeling that way, it seemed more constructive for me to end things with a bit more, I don’t know… hope? I hope I’m not just making things worse by trying to explain. This is an emotional issue and being emotionally wrung out can be a positive thing, I just didn’t want to end it on that note.
Your site is of value, and can be constructive to those AP’s who are willing to really hear what you are saying. I didn’t mean to insinuate it wasn’t constructive, and I apologize for it coming out that way.
January 31st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
girl4708,
“Despite how you all characterize me, I view myself as extremely well adjusted AND happy. Now. In fact, working through all these layers has put me in a healthier place than many who have chosen not to face what bothers them.”
I very glad that have come through the fire so to speak. No one should ever have to go through that fire and it really speaks to what a strong person you are to work on getting through it.
“I don’t blame parents who adopt because they want to let a child experience love. I do blame self-absorbed people who adopt because they need love from children. Two different species. Bad parenting has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with the individual parents. Just as there are a few of you who I wouldn’t want to suffer living under, there are many of you who I would have LOVED to have as parents. LOVED. Especially those who question themselves.”
Thank you for that light bulb moment for me. I gives me hope that I am on the right track. At least I am hoping so, because I too shudder at the “self absorbed”.
I appreciate how hard it is to put yourself out there like that. And that includes all those who put themselves out there. Because the mine field can be made safer by knowing were the mines are.
At the end of the day, I hope my girl will someday be able to say, while I have my “stuff”, I am glad you were there for me. And while I have many unanswered questions, you did you best to help me find the answers and I never questioned how much you loved me.
Thank RQ, Jae Ran, Girl4708 and all……………….
February 1st, 2009 at 3:21 pm
One of the sites listed in this series is mine, Informed Adoption Advocates. I want to say that the reason I collected and posted these articles (and some I personally asked my adoptee friends to write) was not to make anyone feel guilty for adopting. I do not mean this to sound at all rude, but my purpose in creating the site wasn’t to make you feel one way or the other about yourselves. It was to give you understanding about how your children -may- feel. No, not all kids will feel this way, but some will. No matter how great of a parent you are, or how you raise your kids, your children -may- have negative feelings regarding adoption, or they may not. There isn’t much you can do to assure they don’t have bad feelings, but there is a lot you can do to make them feel worse. I just want to help adoptive parents understand these issues so you can better handle it -if- your children do have these issues (whether they actually tell you they do or not is a different story). I felt who better than an adoptive parent of chinese kids who is also an adult adoptee that has this pain and anger regarding adoption to explain it. It’s not about how you feel, its about how your kids feel. Please don’t take what I just said to mean that I don’t care about your feelings, or as a slam against aparents (remember, I’m an aparent too!)
When people say “well, would you rather have stayed in the orphanage?!” I feel its sort of like asking someone who lost a limb in a car accident and struggles because of it “well, would you rather have died in the accident? Be grateful you aren’t dead, or that you didn’t lose your other limbs too and stop dwelling on it!”. Most of us will agree that losing an arm in an accident is better than losing our lives or our legs too. Most of us would be happy we survived. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still struggle over the loss of our arm. Can we not mourn for the losses we incurred and still be happy that we came out alive? Can I be happy that i was raised by the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met in my life and still be sad and grieve for losing my mother?
Also, I want to interject that when you expect someone to be happy they were adopted, not only are you asking them to be grateful that they had loving parents that wanted them, food in their bellies, a warm bed and all the rights and freedom their country has to offer, you are also expecting them to be grateful for being abandoned, for losing their entire families, losing their identities, losing their culture and language, losing every person they’ve ever known and everything else that goes along with it.
And yes, I know a lot of adoptees who feel negative things towards the parents that left them. However, many feel that their parents may have been forced or coerced into not keeping them. They feel the only people who have a real choice in the whole process is the adoptive parent, which is why sometimes it seems the aparents get more directed at them.
February 1st, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Some here have said it seems like “damned if you do, and damned if you do.”
I can certainly understand APs scratching their heads and wondering about those things. Especially because these children are all individuals and there’s no surefire way to tell what will be an issue and what will not.
But I think that being prepared in CASE something happens is better than not being prepared.
If your adoptee grows up and says they are so happy to be adopted and they couldn’t imagine life being any other way, awesome. That’s a wonderful thing to hear.
If they grow up and occasionally mentioned they wish the circumstances that led to their adoption hadn’t happened… well, the thing to remember is that it isn’t personal. But you need to remember it MIGHT be voiced. It probably wouldn’t be voiced *like that*, but it may be voiced like “I wish I had grown up in my own culture” or “I wish my other parents could have raised me.”
And the best thing to do is be open to hearing it – even when it hurts. Because for some adoptees, this is utter honesty and being validated about it is incredibly important.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 am
Iggy said, “being prepared in CASE something happens is better than not being prepared.” Boy am I agreeing with you tonight! My daughter just turned three and I had been reading these conversations and these blogs and thinking that it was hard to reconcile some of the feelings expressed by the adult adoptees with my happy, bubbly, little girl who (for now) seems to have such a complete sense of belonging in our family. Then, tonight, my daughter asked to look at her life book. We read the page about her birth mother and she asked “where is the picture of her?” I explained to her that we don’t have a picture of her birth mother and her little face crumbled and she said, near tears, “I don’t even have a picture of her!” Had I not been reading these blogs this week, I may have tried to minimize her sorrow or “make it better.” Instead, I tried to empathize as best I could, and acknowledged her feelings and her loss. It brought home to me the DEPTH of her loss, which she is apparently already starting to process, at three.