Review: Find My Family
I was pretty worried about how this show was going to portray adoption. I was pleasantly surprised that they hired hosts who were adopted and who were sensitive to what was going on.
Like it or not, we get to be “adoption educators” to our friends and families, so they’ll understand the things our kids feel (and don’t feel). We have to educate our families about attachment issues as well as other post-institutionalized issues that may crop up (like sensory issues, for example). Most of us probably have to educate our friends and families and coworkers about all-things-China, as well. And, we have to teach our families that it is okay to talk about birth parents without it being a traumatic subject. Or at least, I did. My mom wanted to vilify them, and it took a lot of discussions on my part for her to get to the point she is now, where if a conversation comes up with her around she can mostly keep her mouth shut about it and let me handle it…. but if she needs to say something it’s not totally inappropriate.
I have to say that I think this show is going to open up more conversations at work, and could very well open up some conversations within our extended family. And with Thanksgiving coming up, that could mean a conversation that the girls can hear. I have not talked with GlitterGirl about this show yet, but I realize now that we probably need to have a talk about it…. mainly because ABC is advertising it so heavily and I don’t want her seeing a commercial about it without us having a conversation about it. But also because there is a good chance she’ll overhear adults talking about it.
I will not be letting her stay up to watch the program. Honestly, I don’t think most adopted kids need to be watching this one until they are well into their teen years. I’m sure there are exceptions to that, but I’m just talking in general, here. My gut instinct last night was that this is for the 15 plus age group, at least.
I think everyone who’s read my blog very much knows that I don’t really like reality shows. And that hasn’t changed. However, since reality shows seem to be here whether I like them or not, and since this is the kind of thing to pull at people’s heartstrings, and thus get a lot of eyeballs watching… I have to say that they did about as good a job of it as possible.
Both hosts were adoptees, and it sounds like they have both gone through the process of finding their birth families. Most importantly, I felt that all three sides of the triad were shown respect.
Let’s face it, there are a lot of grown adoptees who feel there is a hole in their lives that won’t fill in unless they someday meet their birthfamily. Sure, there are a lot of adoptees who don’t feel that way, who have no desire to meet their birthfamily. But for the ones who feel this is important, it’s often a Very Big Thing.
Last night it was the birth family who was searching, for whom it was a Very Big Thing… but looking forward it looks like the show will come at it from the other direction as well, where it is the adoptee who is searching.
If someone from work asks me about the program from a personal perspective then I’ll point out that it will be very difficult for my daughters to find their birthfamilies. However, if someday, once they are grown, they wish to do so, then I will help in whatever way they want me to help.
Because I’ve already talked to the people who found them and I’ve already done some research so I know as much as possible about how they were found… I actually have a bit of a starting point if one of them wants to look, but I fear that if the other one wanted to look that it would be a very difficult task. I’m not sure I’ll share that part, though. That’s a bit too personal to share casually. I can talk about it here only because no one knows who I am, or who my girls are.
In the end, my preference would be that all reality shows go away. But since they are apparently not going to go away… I believe that this show was handled well. And, I can see that the show was a good thing for the people involved in last night’s episode – the resources that the show was able to put into the search was more than the family had been able to afford, and they were able to find the daughter that they had not been able to raise.
I also felt that the daughter, in this case, seemed to be in a good place with the terms of her adoption. She had been raised to think good thoughts about the woman who gave birth to her, and she’d always known she was adopted. She didn’t seem to be bitter about it, though of course she was a bit overwhelmed.
All in all, I think this first program did a good job. I doubt that all programs are going to go as well, or have such well adjusted people involved. Part of me wants to ignore the program and never watch it again, part of me knows I need to watch it so I can talk to friends, family, and coworkers about it… because they are going to want to talk to me about it.
But first, I’ve got to think for a bit about how to talk to GlitterGirl about this, so she’ll be prepared to see advertisements on TV, or to hear adults talking about watching the show.
November 24th, 2009 at 9:22 am
I think the show was well done. And I was so glad they included the APs as well.
I do think this people and story they picked was well screened and was pick with lots of discretion. As well as how it was handled. Oh the power of editing.
I am also very glad that my girl is too little at the moment to watch it or even be curious about it.
This appeared to be the best possible scenario and most of life is not like that. Neatly tied up, good closure……………
And my girl has virtually no chance of this type of “happy ending”. Yep very glad I don’t have to deal with this show and her on an immediate timeframe.
November 24th, 2009 at 11:57 am
I’m curious to know what the viewership of this episode was. I didn’t even hear about it until today. How many people REALLY watch ABC anymore?? We have basic cable, and I couldn’t tell you what channel ABC is on…. And – are people not involved in the adoption triad really interested in a series like this? My kids are too young to watch it (we just went seven weeks with no TV (Comcast switched to all digital, and I didn’t get around to ordering boxes until 6 weeks after the fact), and they never even noticed, altho they were happy to see Rachel Ray and Phineas&Ferb over the weekend). I just don’t see this as being a big deal, frankly – at least not at this point. Six episodes in the can – what’re the odds it’ll actually take off?
November 24th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Hi
I thought the program was handled fairly well. However, I think this scenario probably doesn’t happen very often. I can’t imagine that there are a lot of birth parents that end up getting married and never divorcing. I thought the biggest mistake was the use of “giving up” instead of “making an adoption plan”. I was really surprised when the hosts, adoptees themselves, referred to it that way.
4QinMomma
LID 4-12-2006 for #4
November 24th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I also heard “I am adopted” instead of “I was adopted”, or “you are adopted” instead of “you were adopted” a few times.
But, I realize I can be hyper sensitive about some of that, so I tried not to over-analyze. For someone who is almost 30 now, the adoption terminology would have been different for them than the terminology we use now.
Also, I’ve heard adult adoptees refuse to use the term “made an adoption plan” because they say it’s sugarcoating what actually happened… that they were “given up” and to call it anything else is to try to pretend it didn’t happen.
So, while I may correct the terminology of someone who isn’t familiar with adoption, I would never correct an adult adoptee’s terminology. They use whatever best fits their own truth, I think.
November 24th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I have not had a chance to watch the show for verious reasons. One I was not looking for it and 2 it just didn’t pop while channel surfing and caught my interest. I am also a bit hesitant about it. I can only say that I wish thay will keep it in the positive light and not turn it into one of those episodes people want to talk about. You know the more bad/unusual stories the better it gets… sort of thing. Like the show a while ago Wife swap at the beginning was good to see the difference and stuff and how many respected the one another and than it just went south and they tried to match people from very different end of spectrum and the worst it was the better it got. I am just not a big fun of these. And I think we are dealing with very difficult subject for many and it is very sensitive for all. I just have a hard tome beliving people would sign up for this sort of publicity and invasion into their lifes.
November 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
hulu has the episode online if someone didn’t catch it last night and wants to watch it:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/110711/find-my-family-steinpas-family#s-p1-so-i0
————
mom2girls – I can actually see why people would agree to this show, where I have a hard time understanding why a family would do something like wife swap (which I’ve never watched, so maybe I just don’t understand).
In this show, Find my Family, the families are getting something of great value – they are getting the resources of ABC investigators to find someone that they haven’t been able to find. In this case the family had spent a lot of money in the past nine years on investigators who had not been able to find their daughter, but ABC’s investigators came in and found her. So, the people agreeing to be on the show are getting something of value in exchange for being on the show.
As for the person being found – I would think that part would get a bit sticky. What if the person who is found wants to meet the people searching for them, but won’t agree to do it on camera? Would ABC refuse to give names unless all parties agreed to meet on camera? Probably, and that seems a bit like emotional blackmail.
November 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
The problem I have is with the people complaining about it. These are adults, not children. They are individuals with feelings and they differ greatly. They are entitled to find their biological children/parents if this is what they want. Just because you adopt a child doesn’t mean that you have ownership.
Your child will grow up to have his/her own opinions on things. For some, they may feel a complete disconnect with their adoptive family, others will have no such feelings. Some need and want to find their birth family and connect to those that share their genes, others do not have any desire to do so. You are not adopted, and if you were, I am sure you will have some of these feelings.
Having said that, not all stories end happily.
My brother’s best friend is adopted, and his meeting with his biological family was not a happy one. I do hope they keep it on the same track like the episode I saw last night.
I rarely watch TV, but this show I just wanted to have a look at because I watch the Locator on WE tv.
November 24th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
What is wife swap? Now I am intrigued.
November 24th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
It’s my understanding that Wife Swap has two women going to each others homes for a set amount of time, and taking care of each others families. I only know that much because at first I thought that other things might be involved and I was a bit shocked that reality TV would go that far.
November 26th, 2009 at 12:21 am
I appreciate you making the distinction that adult adoptees should be able to use whatever terminology they feel best suits them. My mother actually sold me, so if someone corrected me and told me she made an adoption plan, I’d have to fight the urge to hit them. Also, I grew up calling my biological mother my “real mom” and my grandparents (my dad’s parents who adopted me) were fine with it and never told me anything else (I called them my grandparents, not my parents). Its what I’m used to and what we’re all comfortable with. When I get corrected and am told by strangers I have to call my grandma my real mom and my mom my birth mom, it makes me angry. Why should others get to define what I call my mother or grandmother? It doesn’t mean I’m saying she’s better than my grandma, because she’s not. But she is my mom.
I hope they show all sides of adoption reunion. Not just the gooey happy rainbow ones, not just the horror stories, but a good mix of both, because as an adult adoptee who has had a really rough reunion and as someone who has a ton of adult adoptee friends, I know there is a lot of good and bad reunion stories. To focus more on one or the other would just be false in my opinion.