Sometimes life is just not fair
GlitterGirl is dealing with adoption issues again. She is currently focused on the fact that in order for someone to have “found” her, someone must have “left” her. She’s known this for a long time, but it seems to have sunk in to a deeper level of understanding.
I get so upset at the people who try to insist that our girls are “lucky”. Lucky compared to what? Sure, there are people in worse situations than them, but there are people in better situations, too.
Peek in on a conversation when a child is dealing with the fact that they were left on their own somewhere as a little bitty baby and see their tears. Lucky? No, far from it at that moment in time.
First there was perhaps the worst luck of all - being born to a family that could not care for them.
Were my girls lucky to be adopted into our family? They get to decide that, not me.
I don’t know what has brought this latest round of conversations up. Perhaps she’s been thinking about it since we came home from China and has just worked it out enough to verbalize it? Or perhaps the stress of the promise of the new school year has her on edge? I don’t know. But we’ve had a whole lot of “adoption talk” in the past six or so months.
I know that talking about it is healthy. I know that this is about the age she’s supposed to be bringing this stuff up. But I still cry for her. Kids shouldn’t have to deal with this stuff.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. (7 paragraphs right?)
The first sentence reached deep into my heart and caused pain…thinking about that I will have this conversation one day too….and the reality it expressed.
I like reading books and do. But I find the info that’s the most helpful is “this is what happened today/yesterday/this week”; this is how I felt and feel; this is what was said; etc etc.
Thanks for sharing…
twOH
July 30th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
I cried when I read your post. It’s just so hard to watch them go through this. They don’t need to be dealing with stuff this heavy and so emotional at such a young age. But it’s the reality. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to come to the realization that someone abandonded you. It makes me cry everytime I think of someone leaving my soon-to-be daughter. I think talking about it is the best thing. And as she gets older, hopefully she will come to the conclusion that her birthmother did love her, and that abandoning her was the only way she could show it. She chose to leave her in a safe place where she would be found quickly and be taken to an orphanage where she would be taken care of and hopefully adopted. But in the end, it still doesn’t really change the most painful fact: she was abandoned.
Maybe by watching older adoptees discuss this would help? I just watched the Lost Daughters of China (made by National Geographic) and you may have already watched it with her, but they talk to some elementary-aged adoptees who talk about this issue and a few others. Maybe this would help? Let us know how it goes. , if you end up watching it….
Thank you so much for sharing.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:45 am
My oldest daughter (almost 5 yrs) is struggling with several issues, too. I answer them as honestly as I can, with all of the information I have, but it’s difficult for her right now. Mostly her questions are about why she is so small, compared to her classmates (she’s 30 lbs). In addition, we’re hosting a Chinese student from Nanning, and now my daughter’s questions include, ‘Why does Yutong still live in China? Why does she live with her birth parents? Why didn’t she live in an orphange? Why don’t I live in China?’
And here are my .02-cents to the “Lucky” comment. A couple days ago I held a new born baby. I LOVE babies, but I cannot hold them and look at them without feeling an intense sadness by my baby girls. You’re absolutely right, RQ, that our daughters get to decide if they’re lucky.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:16 pm
I couldn’t agree more. It makes me SO uncomfortable when people say “you are so good to do that. that litlle girl is so lucky”. Lucky to be abandoned at birth?
I usually repond: “I don’t know about that but we think we are the lucky ones”.
Right now its in the abstract as our baby sister is not here yet (LID Nov.22.05) but I am sure its more of a stark comment when your daughter is sitting right there.